Happy New Year!

Doctor says this baby isn't ready to come out any time soon he thinks. We will discuss Options (yes with a capital O) if it comes to that. All of my pre-labor signs have abandoned me. Thanks body. Ah, I guess I forgive you. You have done a good job of creating him and keeping him safe so far even if you end up needing help bringing him out to live with us.

We are such huge party animals, we are doing the usual (for me at least, Hub would often like more raucous entertainment.) We went out for dinner and now we are waiting for midnight to do sparklers and some whirly things. A nearby property also sets off fireworks that we can see from our driveway. Yes, this is the life.

A Warning: We went to Red Lobster for dinner. I've always found it sufficiently good - especially the biscuits. However, be warned to check your local menu before you go out. They drastically reduced ours. There is still plenty of seafood, but almost nothing for people who prefer non-seafood. Why do we go there you ask? Why because Hub likes it of course, and I like him to be happy. I also like the aforementioned biscuits. But there were literally three chicken choices on the menu: chicken finger appetizers, chicken ceasar salad and a chicken linguine alfredo. Throw in the fact that I suffer from some lactose intolerance, and that does not a happy selection make. They also took out ALL of their dinner salads except the chicken ceasar and drastically reduced their dressing selection. There was no Italian, so they gave me raspberry vinaigrette as a replacement without asking me. YUCK I say. I do NOT like fruit flavored dressing. My salad also had quite a few leaves that had obviously been frozen as they were transparent and floppy/crispy.

And finally, the portions were much smaller than was warranted by the price, and remember how the mashed potatoes used to be yummy? They were garlic if I remember correctly. Now they are QUITE obviously instant. It pretty much tasted the same as if I bought a box of instant and whipped them up myself. I'm sorry, but the potato snob in me (remember my awesome ones from Thanksgiving) will not allow me to let that slide for the price paid.

I know they have to try to make ends meet in lean times, but I just can't imagine paying for that food and selection again.

Otherwise - HAPPY NEW YEAR! haha. We do have LOTS AND LOTS to be thankful for in this year, and I couldn't be more pleased. Be safe and enjoy.

Jumble of Thoughts from Yesterday

The hormones they must be a-changin again. I seem to be in the midst of some no-crazy, which is perfect timing because I was worried about the woe is me I'm home alone crap that happens when I feel like that. (Because I'm off work now!! WOOT! Just in time to save my horribly aching body!) And last night, I did not have night sweats! It's the little things don't ya know. Unfortunately, the random grumpy remains. I just hope this doesn't mean that things continue to NOT happen in there. I have an appointment today. We shall see.

It was very bittersweet to leave my work people last night knowing that I won't be there again for months. I do love my job, and they have been so very good to me. At the same time though, I had definitely reached the limit of my ability to do that job with any sort of efficacy. And the fatigue was awful and caused me emotional stress all day long. Had they not been so kind, things could have been bad.

Note, however, that every place has its annoying person/people, and I'm about to tell you of one of them. She just started on the team and appeared to me by behavior to be about 15, experience perhaps 22 and looks - maybe 24. I can handle her when working only in a professional capacity. When she turns personal, I have to watch my reactions. The interactions I'm about to describe have taken place plenty of times with me reacting to them in different ways in the hopes of diminishing their frequency. Obviously my methods have not yet worked. Here's how much of yesterday went:

Nice co-worker #1: So what does it FEEL like when he kicks? Does it hurt? Can you feel actual body parts from the outside? Is it weird?

Me: As dumb as it sounds, it feels exactly like you would think. It's like there's a little person inside you, bones and all pushing and poking. And no it doesn't hurt anymore unless he gets a tender spot... etc etc.

Annoying co-worker: (just walking in) EEEEEEEEEWWWW! SO GROSS! Ugh.

Me: Silence and completely ignoring (had been my latest tactic)

Later....

Nice co-worker #2: How have you been feeling? Is the pressure getting worse? Have you noticed any contractions increasing?

Annoying co-worker: (again - walking into our conversation) That is just TOO CREEPY. Yuck.

Me: silence

In the company vehicle at the end of the day when I am just DONE....

Nice co-worker #3: So why DO you burn so many calories breast feeding?

Me: Well, you're making sustenance for another human being from your own stores. That takes a lot of energy! And as they need more, you need to make more etc..

Annoying co-worker: Oh my GOD, SO SO GROOOOOOOOOOSSSSS! (and on and on.. not exaggerating I promise you)

Me: REALLY? Really? It isn't GROSS, it's what we DO. We're MAMMALS. We make MILK for our young. How are you from a science background and don't understand this?

Her: But it IS gross. It's just disgusting!

Me: It's what cows do. It's what horses do.

Her: EEEEEEEEWWWW

Me: It's a natural process. It's just ridiculous to be so grossed out by it and so vocal about that to someone you barely know who's doing it. (In my head: If you don't like to talk about it, leave or politely ask if we can change the subject)

Nice co-worker #3: Well, I know I am freaked out a bit by it and right now feel like I couldn't do it (in a slightly hurt tone)

Me: I completely understand that. It's totally normal to feel all those things. What I DON'T understand is thinking it's so incredibly abhorrent and unnatural that you can't even think or talk about it and that you'd express that to my face so obviously. It would be like me saying you hate your future babies for being scared of breast feeding... which I do NOT do.


By the way... annoying co-worker's actual age? 28.

Developments

Tonight Hub and I watched my belly move gently and rhythmically up and down as the babybutt practiced his breathing. Excuse my wonderful English here when I say that it was WAY cool.

You know what else is WAY cool? Tomorrow is my last day at work! Although now I just get to sit at home and be physically more comfortable, but all snarled up in my head. Come on baby! Come be with us soon!

Aggravated

I feel like a restless animal about to give birth that just can't get comfortable and has sudden fits of aggression and/or insecurity. I suppose that's accurate considering I AM an animal very close to giving birth. I'm just so agitated in mind and body. I can't get comfortable. Any wrinkle in my day equates to crazy anxiety for me. I stayed home from work today because I overdid it big time yesterday with some projects. I felt like my pelvis was going to fall apart along with other things. And when I'm at work, I'm paranoid, insecure and uncomfortable. However, now at home I'm lonely, frustrated and feeling guilty - all clear signs that the problem lies with me.

I can only assume hormone craziness is the culprit as usual. Last night it was cold in our home, yet I woke up in night sweats more than once. And the outward remnant Christmas mess and other unfinished projects in our home make it all the worse. When I'm in orderly surroundings, it feels easier to keep myself tied together on the inside. Please tell me it's not just me and that it will get easier as time goes on with the baby. I'm afraid of my wonkiness and afraid that post partum is going to be very difficult. At least my Mom will be here to help me.

The Present that Made Me Cry

From Hub. I had admired it for a long time.

38 Weeks 2 Days

And no sign at all that he wants to meet us anytime soon. (I guess my lovely painful Braxton-Hicks contractions that keep me up every night don't count.) Oh, and I officially feel huge and ungainly now.

Letters and Remembering

So excited about Christmas Eve. I've always loved this holiday, even with the crap, but this year is obviously so much better. My heart is with those of you struggling right now. We still did not put up that dreaded Baby's First Christmas ornament from years ago though. He will have his own next year.

There were a few more things I want to remember about pregnancy before my little goat makes his appearance. But many of these are also things I want him to know. Therefore, I am combining a memory list with a letter to my Babybutt.

I always want to remember:

1. Playing "where's the baby?" with Daddy. You probably think you're well hidden in your dark little cocoon, but that giant lump in my belly? It gives you away every time sweets. Lately though, the baby is pretty much everywhere.

2. How you like to wake up at 3:30 or 4 every morning and go crazy for a half hour or so. I think we can count on that continuing eh? Rocking often gets you back to sleep though.

3. The funny shapes you make out of my belly when I'm in the bath. Do you not like the warm water? This does not bode well...

4. How after a long day/week of work, my body is so sore at night that Daddy has to help me take off my shoes, get ready for my shower, put on my pants etc. He is very patient and kind. You'll like him.

5. How I got all misty about a onesie that said, "Proof that Miracles Happen," and Daddy really took to one that said, "Who Needs a Superhero When You Have Daddy?"

6. There is just SO MUCH of you in there! I feel stuffed full of arms and legs. It's incredible how many bones you have my love.

We reached 38 full weeks on Tuesday. We should have a baby no later than the 12th according to my doctor. How crazy is that? Photos soon. Warning: there has been much dropping and enlarging.

Hub's keepin' it up

All kinds of emotional today. Didn't have a good sleep and had a lot of things go wrong. Hub bolstered me with a phone call, sweet e-mail, and a pumpkin muffin when I got home. What a wonderful support. And he'll have to help me shave my legs again this week. BIG gold star today for you buddy. Love ya.

Vulnerable

Now that things are so close, I'm back to feeling that vulnerability again. I don't know if it's hormones, big changes coming, or the fact that I can't do more than waddle from place to place, but the world feels a little more intimidating.

On the bright side of that, people are getting nicer and nicer in response. Perhaps they sense my nervousness? A coworker confessed her 4 year infertility with me the other day. She didn't know about mine, but it was that, "I think we have something in common" feeling you often get with others of the fertility challenged persuasion. She's just now at the beginning of treatments after not seeing anyone about it. She's still full of questions and naivete about what this all entails. It always feels good to use this crap experience to bolster up another human.

Blabber

Yahoo has been eating my blog comments again and putting them in spam. And now I can't find the "not spam" button. Strange. So what I'm getting to is if you expected a response to your comment and didn't get one, I apologize. I've gone back through. It was a kind of nice surprise to have comments I didn't know I had!

For some reason I feel like this baby isn't going to be too late. I have no idea why, it's just a feeling. I'm having a lot of pre-labor signs, but I know that can go on for weeks. Today, with Hub's help, I finished the projects I found most pressing. So now most of the carpet area has been vacuumed and shampooed throughout the house, the bathrooms are as clean as I'm going to get them right now, the laundry is at an acceptable level (still not finished of course), the dishes are done, most of my bag is packed and Christmas stuff is pretty settled. Now I just have to hope something I ordered for Hub comes in time. I want him to be happy. We aren't buying much this year since we're already getting a much anticipated and very expensive little bundle.

Though I don't want the babybutt to have a Christmas birthday for his sake, I feel like this holiday will forever have even more meaning for me. I fear I may cry every year that we decorate the tree from here on out.

Signing out with a hiccuping fetus.

FCiF

500

Yup. Totally missed my 500th post 10 posts ago. I'm so bad with details.

My Updates and Your Advice

If this is too long, please skip to the last paragraph to help me with advice on delivery!

I saw my beloved doctor yesterday. He said things are still closed up tight in there but that with the pre-labor signs starting and all that, that he could be born in either December or January. (Remember he's due the 5th). He thinks this baby is going to be fine in either case now. He also said he would like for me to not go more than a week late since the baby is already measuring as best they can estimate larger than average and more each week, and he's concerned about that for me. But he also said he would not like to induce without me dilating first. He thinks that's too risky unless you have no other option.

I've also learned that I am so lucky in my doctor and hospital. I've been talking about the things I've learned about what my delivery options are and what both support with other mothers. Through that, I've found that many other moms aren't even told they have these options or are not given the support they need to make their own decisions. It doesn't surprise me that so many women are moving toward midwives and doulas for this very reason. I just got really lucky. One example is that most moms I spoke to thought there was only one way to have an epidural - with your body completely useless from the waist down. However, my hospital and doctor have made sure I know that I can go in stages and different drug cocktails if I'd like. They can give you an epidural mix that allows you to still walk around, get up to go to the bathroom etc, and everything in between. That makes me feel fabulous because if I go for that, I think that's what I'd choose first.

In other news, I called and left an anonymous tip about the parking garage attendant. After all your advice and thinking about how he was actually hurting his coworkers by lowering the money intake into the hospital, I felt it was the right thing to do. The greater good ya know?

Finally, I have a call for advice. Tell me what were the things you could not have lived without during delivery and recovery. OR tell me what you most wished you'd brought or done. It's all a big wide open unknown for me, but I'm trying to make sure I do my best to be ready.

Not So Progressive

I have been congratulating myself on my new found openness about my pregnancy. I answer questions easily and fluently. I let people (the ones I know and trust) touch my belly when they ask. I even offer it up to them. And what's more, I actually open up to people and offer updates about my little boy. I learned the other night though that I shouldn't have been so self-congratulatory. It must have just been that I have been surrounded lately by people with whom I've grown comfortable and trusting. Hub and I attended his annual work Christmas party recently, and it did not go that way at all. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed myself very much. But I was very uncomfortable and sometimes even prickly when people came to chat lightly about the baby. I still don't know exactly why this happens, but it seems to be similar reasons to what it was before. There were a very few people who offered up help or genuine reactions with whom I didn't mind chatting about it as much. Then most of the others talked to me about him as if we were discussing the weather. And sometimes I felt this maternal urge that closely approximated the "MINE!" toddler response. What the heck? I'm sure part of it is also my continuing discomfort at being in the center of anyone's attention unless I know them very very well. In THAT case, turn on the spotlight! Yup. That's me - bundle of contradictions and exceptions.

Parking Garage Moral Dilemma

So I've been a smidgen distracted, and there are lots of blog posts swirling in my noggin. They've all been composed in there, but I bet only a fraction get written down!

First of all, I promised the story of the parking garage attendant. Remember last time? How he skimmed something like $2.50 from the hospital and thought I wouldn't realize? This time, as I pulled in he said, "Are you here for the breastfeeding class?" Thinking it was hardly any of his business, but lacking a spine I said, "Yup." He said, "Well here is a comp ticket for you to park for free next time. They're supposed to give you at least one when you sign up for classes at the front desk, but they often don't. Just don't tell them that I'm the one who gave it to you. It's a Christmas present." Thinking now that he was being very festive I said, "Thanks a lot! We've been here often, and it's getting expensive!" Then I handed over my $4.00, and he handed me my ticket stub/receipt. It said, yet again, "Comp parking $0.00." Yup. This time he got $4.00 out of the deal. Either he thinks I'm too dumb to realize what he's doing, or he figures that by bribing me with lower parking fees and comp passes that I'll keep silent, or both. I'm a bit insulted about the intelligence bit. Hub is HIGHLY annoyed and thinks I should march right up and tell someone about him. I'm a big softy and worry this is the only way he's feeding his family or something. What do you all think?

Dubious Offerings

Today the creepy neighbor next door told me he was available if I needed an emergency ride to the hospital. I told him, "Thanks, but I think Hub would prefer to do that."

I also got a summons for jury duty the second week in January. I'm all into citizenship, but great timing eh? I will also decline this offer by checking the "expectant mother" box.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear Baby,

This weekend I learned a lot about how amazing the system is that will hopefully feed you when you're here. I also had a whole day class about how to welcome you to the world. There were many points in the class where I had to choke back emotional tears. Daddy felt the same way. (He'll try to tell you later it was dust in his eye, but don't believe him. He's just tough for you.)

Then... oh then, something that I had thought was probably nothing continued, and I got a little worried. I called my nurse, and she said I should probably go to the hospital just in case. I became very worried that you were going to come home with us a lot sooner than we thought! You would have been fine, but as I felt for your little feet and legs poking out of my side, I realized that I wasn't quite ready. I want these last few weeks with you snuggled up in there. I want to feel your heel press against my hand one more time at least. I want to watch you swish your little butt from side to side while you try to get comfy. And I even want to feel you get annoyed and push hard when I lie on the side you dislike in bed. We are both just SO excited to meet you. But we also waited a long time to have this, and we want to make sure to enjoy every single minute. I love the babybutt in my tummy as much as I will love the one out. At the same time, we're ready and can't wait to kiss your belly (Mama) and little feets (Daddy).

XO
M

P.S. It was all a false alarm little man. No worries. You and I passed all our tests with flying colors per the usual thank goodness, but we were both EXHAUSTED after all that.

Nursery

Oh my gosh to the craziness of this weekend! I had blood work, a doctor's appointment (all is fabulous), a breast feeding class (in which I met the garage money skimmer again - back to his old tricks - more later), a Christmas party tonight and an all day lamaze class tomorrow! It's all good. I just wish I had a personal assistant to take care of all the icky stuff in between.

Right now though, I have nursery photos to show you. There are a bunch of little touches to add at some point, and the futon won't stay forever, but this is what we have at the moment.

Our changing table and the dreaded shelf. Don't even ask me about it. I can't bear to speak of it. It's done now, that's all that matters. The plate on the shelf is from my sister and bears messages for the babybutt from lots of family members. Note the ADORABLE little LED nightlights. I can't get enough of them. The ghost is from Ikea, the bluebird a present from Target. They're squishy and cute.
The alligator has a baby in her mouth and is also from Ikea. The prints are from a Charley Harper calendar. We also used the one with all the little songbirds eating seeds. I just didn't get a photo of it.
Note the sweet little animal throw rug from Ikea. Babybutt's name will be in plush letters above his crib when he gets one. :)
And this is our crib. We love it. It was easy to assemble, is attractive and very sturdy. I realize that Pooh has a pink blanket. I just don't care. They didn't have any non-pink, and it's Babybutt's first present from Mommy.

Blogger Award

Chelle took the time to make this beautiful award, and then a lovely lady at Cherish This Baby took the time to write some kind words about me through it! She hadn't even said boo to me before that, so it was a really fun, really touching surprise. I have to say though that even though she gives me a lot of credit, and I did work hard to find a healthy path for my particular body (which I believe opened the door to pregnancy), much of why we are here is luck. I do know that and give thanks every single day.

As for the award, there are a few rules of course, so without further ado:

Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.
Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.
Let the winners know they have been awarded.

I haven't done this in a while because it's a difficult thing for me. But I'm going to pick people I haven't chosen before and whom you may not be reading. These people do inspire me. Oh, as for how I began blogging? I've written lots about that throughout my years of trying, so I won't bore you with the long details. The down and dirty of it is that I am a writer at heart. I journal. I scribble on pieces of paper and stow them in my nightstand. I compose stories in my head during boring times. I resisted blogging because I kept thinking that it would happen for me soon anyway (yes naivete), and I am not big on putting myself out there to the internet. So that's why I'm as anonymous as I am and why I haven't been blogging as long as I've been trying. However, blogging has been great therapy for me. I tried a real therapist, and the benefits did not even come close. One of the greatest things has been the people from whom I learned and took comfort.

In no particular order:

Down (But Not Out) - Yes I'm a little biased since she's an old friend, but she writes very well and is such an inspiration not only in attitude but in follow through. She doesn't get to update much because of the challenges of chasing after the little stinker that has graced all of our lives, but what she writes is so open and loving and full of a beautiful grace and calm. I often wish I could achieve that. She's like that in person too by the way. ;-)

What I Really Meant to Say - Her viewpoints on religion, family and day to day life are always so open and fascinating to me. She's very real about the issues she faces and in being so, helps others learn about themselves.

Stuff to Say - Like the above, mo*reezy has a great, open outlook on faith, love and family. She also often posts things that make me go "hmmm" in a good way. I love when people work my brain without using vitriol or spite. Good job chickie.

Crying Over the Fish Sticks - Beautiful thoughts on dealing with IVF failure, the depression that comes after and the struggle to make a wonderful life. I find her very honest and kind despite her own issues.

Quest for a Lifetime - Just like with when I read One Good Egg, my heart just about explodes with happiness to see how her story ended (or began in a way!) with such a beautiful adoption. As a woman who has always had adoption in her heart as well as the desire to have a biological child, I really gravitate toward this kind of story for inspiration. She's also just a really good chick.

So did I give you ideas for blogs you haven't yet read? I hope so. Best wishes to all. The rest of you all know I like ya too. ;-)

NINE months!

Oh my God. What a mind blow! I woke up this morning very excited that we were at 36 weeks or 9 months. In fact, I woke at 4:30am and was so excited I couldn't sleep. My book assures me that were he to be born this week, he would be considered full term. Goooooo Babybutt! He's also very very excited today. He's been busting a move all day. Perhaps he knows too eh? It cracks me up to do these kick count sheets the doctor gave me because they're supposed to kick at least 10 times in a 3 hour period. It doesn't matter what time I choose to start monitoring, the longest the kid has ever taken to reach 10 movements is 40 minutes. It's usually somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes. Believe me, I notice immediately when he's quieter than usual. I've also gotten my first faint stretch marks under my belly. I noticed them after viewing a belly photo Hub took. He apparently noticed them long ago, but didn't mention them. He's learning. :) My other boy has dropped quite a bit too, and I can now breathe easier. I love you both boys.

Bringing Peace

The anxiety and weepiness (along with the leaky boobs that always seem to accompany them) have been creeping back in lately. I've had some shattering nightmares that I don't wish to share. However, the night before last, after a bad dream, I dreamed of my Grandfather. He came, wrapped his arms around me, and soothed it all away. He said, "I'm so very proud of you, and I love you." I'm thankful.

Hub

I just realized that I have not "gold-starred" Hub in a long time. Oops! Sorry hubby. It's only because he's been so damn awesome lately that I just can't pick out individual things. I have to say though that he's been great this weekend. He heeded my warnings that things were emotionally rocky and managed to keep it all cool. He massaged my achy back not once but probably 4 times, and he hung up that stupid shelf even though he didn't want to when I finally figured out a way to get it secure.

There's my OCD (take note Jen) - things being in their place once they have a place. I can't hack it. Our calendar had fallen down, and I couldn't find the tack that held it up. It was our last tack. It was a niggling annoyance until I bought more yesterday and fixed the problem. I can seriously now rest easier. Sick huh?

Letters to Babybutt

Dear Baby,

Your elbows and knees are very bony. And you're very squirmy.

Love,
M

Randomness - Because you haven't had much lately

Hub was super cute at our hospital tour tonight. He was so excited. It makes me so very happy to see him that happy about all this. Being in the delivery room made it all seem exciting and frighteningly real. I think we're ready though. I want him to bake a few more weeks, but then we're on! Oh, and I'm so happy to be giving birth in the hospital while it's so beautifully decorated for Christmas. It makes it so special. They say the decorations will be up until mid-January.

Also, I am currently obsessed with oranges and peanut butter and chocolate sandwiches. Oh yes, you heard correctly. You take bakery bread (other bread doesn't work as well), slather some Smucker's non sugar peanut butter on it, then sprinkle a few semi-sweet chocolate chips on top of that and fold it in half. Then you put it in the microwave for 10 seconds. It comes out in delicious peanut butter, chocolaty goodness. Why do these things work for my gut and others don't? I haven't the faintest clue. This one is fairly new.

36 Week Ultrasound and Check-Up

OK, so we're not quite to 36 weeks, but this was the best compromise. We saw the little munchkin face today!!! They are estimating that right now he weighs between 5.5 and 6.5 pounds, which puts him in the 68th percentile. He's head down and will most likely stay that way until delivery. He also lived up to his reputation for being squirmy and discontent during ultrasound and doppler reads. We saw him move his arms, fold his hand over his rib cage, make suckling movements, practice "breathing," and turn his mouth down in what looked like a pout. It broke my heart, but was so cute at the same time! How appropriate considering I was just talking about how I found out that they cry in utero.

The amniotic fluid looks good. He's making all kinds of signs that he's healthy neurologically. The placenta is in an optimum position, and his heart looks excellent. We had a really good ultrasound tech who cooed over him and gave us all sorts of information about how good everything looked. It made me so happy. Most of them won't tell you if everything is ok. From what we can tell, it looks like he still has Hub's nose and possibly my chin. The cheeks are nice and round too. We love a cute, dimply baby. I cannot WAIT to meet him. In fact, wonderfulOB says he thinks that even if he went next week everything would be fine and that he's ready. NEXT WEEK?!?!? Holy crap time flies.

So without further ado, I present you with the money shot:

I know it can be hard to see, but basically you can just see his nose, lips and cheeks in the center of the shot squished between the tissue. His eyes are in shadow.

Moving Up in the World

First of all, I have a very important announcement. HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY ELIZABETH THE GREAT!

Now on to the lesser things...
Thanks to Jen, we have a new bed frame! Our mattress was on the floor before because we upgraded in size, and paying for a bed frame just wasn't up there on the priority list. Wouldn't you know that mattresses are WAY more comfortable in a frame? Perhaps it's because that's where they're meant to be? I used to always complain about rolling toward Hub when there was supposed to be a divider. But now that the divider can actually be effective, I don't roll toward him anymore! I have my own little pocket of sleepy heaven. Ever since we put up that frame, I've been sleeping longer and more deeply. There have been much fewer 4am wake-ups and much less difficulty falling asleep. I still have times when I have to get up and move around, but the sciatica isn't nearly as intense at night now. I even noticed that I'm back to somewhat sleep walking to the bathroom. When I got up before, I was always wide awake for my hourly potty trips. I just wasn't sleeping deeply enough.

Don't get me wrong, sleep is still a challenge a lot of the time, but oh it's so much nicer with a lovely bed. On top of THAT, Hub found a fabulous black Friday deal on a dishwasher! HURRAY! We had one. It was harvest gold circa 1982. We did a lot of rewashing and tasting soap. Our new black one is being delivered today, and I'm SO excited. Now we'll just have the stove left. It's ok so far but has been showing its age a bit lately. Hopefully it holds on there for just a little longer until we can afford that last big kitchen expenditure. We mean to redo the kitchen completely, but that's not in the cards for quite a bit.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear Babybutt,

The other night I was reading about the different stages of labor. I read that emotionally, near the end of it I may have a sudden surge of excitement that I'm about to meet you. That hit home for me very suddenly. My heart beat sped up, and I got all breathless with the idea of seeing you for the first time. It was one of the first times I've felt that intensely and gave me a taste of what it will be like having you in my life. I also read that you probably cry in the womb, and that made me cry. It's already hard that sometimes things upset you, and I can't do anything to help! I'm sorry. Just know that I love you very much no matter what. I'll always do my best with you. I know that there will be times I fail, but know that I'm always trying my best to give you the love, support and comfort you deserve.

Love you lots and lots forever and ever.
M

Disbelief

I am now almost 9 months pregnant. Work is getting increasingly difficult, my belly is growing by leaps and bounds and ripples around of its own accord, and our house is turning into a family home. Yet I still sometimes find it completely incredible that I'm going to be giving birth imminently. How is that? I have flashes where I fully comprehend it. Then the emotions almost sweep me away. But they are usually just that - flashes. A lot of the rest of the time I spend in a sort of dazed disbelief that this is actually happening to me. We are going to have a baby. He will be our son. I feel unbelievably lucky, blessed, excited, grateful and awestruck. Will I ever fully comprehend and believe it? When I'm holding him, will I feel like someone's going to smack me awake? We see him again on our (final!) ultrasound this week. Will it sink in for real then?

Is this a similar feeling for everyone? Or is it a sub-fertile's weirdness?

Funny Stuff

I posted this last year, but here's a new installment. Do you remember it? I find it hilarious.
Beware the Doghouse boys.

34 Weeks 3 Days

A little bit late, but better than never. :)

Things I Don't Want to Forget About My Pregnancy

1. The babybutt doesn't seem to like the shower spray hitting my belly. He always scoots backward and/or squirms when it hits the top of where his feet rest.

2. The hiccups started very faintly. They were so faint I could barely tell what they were. Now I can actually see them. They happen at least once a day.

3. Amidst all the awesomeness, pregnancy is very hard, tiring and sometimes painful work. I will always remember that for other women.

4. It's so cute when I can tell the body part that's sticking out.

5. He reacts now when I touch different body parts sticking out of my belly.

6. Hub asks several times a day, "How's the baby?" and really cares about the answer.

7. Hub tells me I'm precious, beautiful and awesome at least once a day.

8. The changes in my body are absolutely fascinating.

9. I was in love with the idea of my baby before the 20 week ultrasound. After that ultrasound, I fell irrevocably in love WITH my baby. The intensity of it scares me a little bit.

A Question and Tooting My Own Horn

Anyone have good recommendations for video cameras? We want decent video quality, ease of transfer to a DVD and decent quality in low light.

By the way, my roasted garlic mashed potatoes rocked this year. The chocolate pecan pie turned out good, but pumpkin is still my favorite, and everything else was quite edible. I'm happy.

Feeling All Smooshy

Happy Thanksgiving to all the American bloggers out there. Hub and I are enjoying a really lovely, relaxing holiday together. My pumpkin and pecan chocolate pies are cooling, and now it's time to work on the main course.

I am all emotional and weepy about just about everything - in a good way. Christmas music, my pets, the thought of Babybutt's imminent arrival, a friendly gesture; they're all making me weepy. I think today I'm just really cognizant of for how much we have to be thankful. One of those things is that Hub and I have now been together for 12 years. As he said this morning, "We really are very lucky huh?" And that's exactly how I feel. A lot of luck has come our way bringing lots of beauty and joy.

Where You Weigh In

If you think you can help, please weigh in! Here is the shelf in discussion. We already have molly bolts installed, but the screw won't catch because of the thickness of the shelf. We were told by a friend that mollies would be the best way to go. Can we get a longer screw for a molly and have that work? Mollies are also supposed to be very difficult to remove without ruining your wall. We've also been told that using some sort of bracket to hang the shelf wouldn't be a good solution for this particular type of shelving. No other solution we've tried has worked either. Now you begin to see why we're frustrated with the design of this shelf. There probably are some other ways we could hang it that may or may not hold up in the long term, but they wouldn't be safe. And you know what? I'm willing to bet that's what most people settle for. This is why I'm disgusted with their response. They should probably know their own products well enough to offer some suggestions. And yes, we only have one stud on which it would work, and it's too far away from the drywall. Don't even get me started on how sloppily/quickly houses are thrown up these days. If we had known this was going to be such trouble, we would have bought a much cheaper and lighter shelf that would be easier to install.

Help if you can! Thanks.

Ikea's Response

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We do apologize for any
inconvenience that you may have experienced.

We would recommend taking the item to your local Home Improvement
Center to speak a hardware specialist. They will be able to recommend
the appropriate hardware to use for the shelf.

Thank you for your interest in IKEA. We do appreciate your inquiry.

In my opinion, this is not good customer service. Just because I've already bought the item does not mean their service to me ends there. Nor does it mean I'm no longer a customer worthy of service. I spent and spend a lot of money in their store. This feels very much like a "You bought it, and now we're done so deal with it yourself" brush off. It frustrates me to no end that it's difficult to get good, caring customer service from such large entities. Because really, that's mostly what we have anymore - especially if you live in an urban area. And if I take this "item" to my "local Home Improvement Center," you know what's likely to happen? If I find someone to help me at all, I'll be lucky if it's someone with any expertise in this area. I have not had much luck with this in the past. Their customer service is not much better than what I'm experiencing here.

This is one time when I wish my blog was more popular so someone from Ikea could see it that would understand brushing off your customers is not a good plan. I'm just bummed about the holes in my wall and all the money spent trying to figure out a hardware option that will work. blah.

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling very overwhelmed due to how slow I am and all that has to be done and all that is coming. Granted, I'm more inclined to feel that way than the average bear, but someone please tell me it's normal?

And yes, I am still very grateful and happy overall, but that doesn't change the day to day.

Frustrated and a Warning

Remember how we got that Ikea Leksvik changing table/dresser? We also bought the shelf that matches it to hang above it. Let me warn you about it. That damn shelf is HEAVY. It also comes equipped with nothing to hang it other than two little holes and instructions to buy some screws to put through them. That is not enough. It is especially not enough if you have dry wall. The screw doesn't reach far enough through the shelf unless you get it ridiculously long to get to the stud. And we only have one stud in that area anyway. The shelf is also too thick for drywall anchors to really work. I am quite unhappy that there is not more in the instructions or in the set up to help with such a ridiculously heavy shelf that often hangs above a baby's changing table. Can you tell that I'm frustrated? I just wanted to warn anyone who might be thinking about buying it. We've bought multiple kinds of hardware now, put two big holes in our wall that may not even work and now have to go buy MORE hardware to see if we can fix it somehow. We spent $40 on that damn thing. Argh. I really just want that room to be done and pretty so it feels ready. Is that too much to ask?

Realization

Yesterday it really occurred to me that the Babybutt is going to come out of there soon. It made me a little sad. I'm going to miss his little rib kicking feet and bladder butting head.

I also just realized that I forgot to mention Jen's shop where she makes those cute onesies, babylegs and other things in my other post.

Good Baby Day

I had my regular 2 week check-up today. The baby is definitely head down! I have really felt the difference in how he's situated the past few days. I even saw some really big migrating movement the night before last. It's so cool to see. I have gained no weight since the last visit, and everything looks good! It's really funny to see things through an OB's eyes, because today he declared, "You've finally popped!" He explained that to him I finally looked pregnant. Maybe I should carry him around with me for the next time a customer insists that I am "...carrying far too large for the stage of pregnancy you're in!"

At the next visit we get to see the little goat again on ultrasound. Yay! After that, we go to weekly visits and the big dilation checks! Craziness!

I also finished ALL my Christmas shopping today except for one little thing. BIG load off my shoulders. I really do not have the stamina or patience for it right now. Now I just have to get everything wrapped and sent. sigh.

And lastly, I had my work baby shower tonight. It was at Mimi's Cafe, and I enjoyed myself immensely both for the food and the company. I have been so incredibly blessed to be on this new team for my pregnancy. My managers and coworkers have just been so amazing. Two of my managers were even there and brought really nice gifts! It feels really good for people to care like that. Wow.

p.s. I had fried pickle slices, and they were AMAZING! I want more right now!

Handmade Lovelies and Hints on Baby Furniture

The adorable wipes Jen made for the Babybutt:

The super cute combo of a blue Bumgenius diaper with adorable baby legs that Jen also made for the Babybutt (She's so talented. :):


AND my attempt at putting together Ikea furniture.

I did a pretty good job though it almost made me cry tears of weariness because many pieces were heavy, and it took 2 days worth of a few hours each to complete. Notice my oops though. That piece is backward. Should you get the Leksvik changing table, please note the position of that piece. It's the only one you can put on backward without realizing. The other hint for this piece of furniture is to leave the drawers OUT until you fasten the changing table top. It's much easier that way. And do not try to follow the additional changing table instructions in the dresser box (they come in different boxes). They are not correct. Just use the changing table box ones. Now I feel better about all my mistakes. ;-)

Bulleted Updates

• Hub got to the doctor after a lot of discomfort and is referred to a specialist thank goodness. Thanks for all your advice. I was very worried.
• 33 weeks. Holy shit.
  
• The babybutt seems to have moved! The past few days I've felt a very different stress on my legs and back. In many ways, there has been some relief from the sciatica and pressure I've been experiencing. Tonight I felt a big flurry of movement and suddenly his butt was no longer poking to the left of my belly button. Now I feel along my belly, and it seems as if his back curves down to the right with his head almost down! My little one is getting ready! ACK! :)
• So You Think You Can Dance is much better this week. I'm in love with Russell. I really like a lot of the dancers. There are 2 I'm really not into. Can you guess?
• Hub said, "Those judges are cute." He said that because he likes how they act like coaches. That's the man I married. That's why I love him.
  
• Looking back on last year at this time, I can't believe where I am. It's so trite to say, but this really does feel like one very long, amazing dream that I can't quite understand. I had grown a lot into my fertility issues by that time and can say I was in a pretty happy place. But thinking about going back there fills me with sadness now. I wish I could change that for lots of others still dealing.
  

Allergy Help

Hub's allergies are generally bad, and sometimes they're horrible. It's awful that I can do nothing to help. We're going to try to get help from the doctor, but speak to me about YOUR experiences. He seems to be allergic mainly to dust, certain animals and plant life. Yeah, so just about everything that's around you all the time. Can they do the blood test for those allergies? Are there shots that help? Anything else that eases things? And when I say they're bad, I mean severe. Thanks. We both pray the babybutt avoids this crap. I have NOTHING, so hopefully he'll get my genes.

Christmas Yearnings

I desperately want to get things like this for about every person in my family yet lack the cash. Is this not one of the most beautiful things you ever did see?

From The Vintage Pearl

Boring, Rambly Day Update Because I Want To***

So the night before last, I had the worst cramping I've ever had in my life. Nope, it wasn't in my uterus, it was in my calf. I never knew about the whole leg cramping thing in pregnancy until it happened to me, and holy SHIT does it hurt. Wow. It made me think an epidural is going to be a really good thing, because if I can't handle that, I don't know that I can handle labor. My leg is still sore.

The point of telling you that is that I spent much of last night waking up suddenly, nervous, trying not to create any conditions under which that kind of cramp could happen again.* Thank goodness Jen and the lovely Elizabeth were coming to show me a good time. When they got here, I got to open my present first. And what gorgeous things they were! When I am feeling less tired, I will probably take photos and post them. But she got me a light blue bumgenius diaper and made some adorable stripey baby legs to go with them! I LOVE IT! I also got the cutest cloth wipes in the whole world (animals of course.) I certainly plan to take photos of the babybutt wearing the diaper combo as soon as it's possible. His face won't be gracing the blog much either, but baby legs and butts are pretty darn cute too.

Then we went for Thai food at one of my favorite places where I was sorely disappointed. The chef today must have thought ignorant Americans expected mild/medium Thai food to be completely devoid of any zest. Seriously. The food there is usually so tasty, but today was so bland I think a 5 year old would have been fine with it. Less SPICY does not mean less FLAVOR people! My pad thai didn't even have much peanut flavor. I felt badly because Jen was so excited to get some Thai food again (You'll remember her roach incident). I ordered some thom ka gai to go and asked for medium instead of mild, and it was MUCH better. It actually had a good flavor. It was still extremely mild though. Hub, who can't stand any sort of spice, gobbled it up just fine. Ah well, it was still fun though E felt that the floor needed much more decoration.

We then decided to stop at Whole Foods and the yummy samples there (along with cupcakes Jen made that we ate later) made up for it. Hub and I just finished one of the sweetest, most juicy, most satisfying oranges we've had in a looong time from there. I should have bought more.

Jen and E stayed a little longer, but then went home and I napped per the usual. Tonight I finally finished putting together our changing table. More on that later. I have some warnings.**

*(Kristin - I am sooo sorry Marty's had to deal with that. If it's anything like what I felt, no wonder the poor kid had so much trouble. :( )

**I still like it, but it was a little bit of an adventure, and if someone else is getting the same model, I have some tips that would have helped me had I known.

***Which is pretty much how I approach the way I write in this blog every time. Even without a blog, I'd still be scribbling on random pieces of paper and in my journals just to please myself. :)

I just realized...

that 32 weeks is 8 months! Holy Crap!!

Killin' time until Jen gets here so we can go stuff our faces full of Thai food. Report later.

32 Weeks 2 Days (8 Months!!)

And lots of interesting things happened today too, but another post maybe. I give you part of my face so you can see that I was actually smiling in this one.

Breaking the Law

I am exhausted but feel the need to post anyway. Compulsive much?

I got my very first speeding ticket in 16 years of driving today. I definitely deserved it. I was trying to get back to work after running lunch time errands. Sigh. I felt like such a shit though.

The police officer was so professional and kind. He actually didn't seem to take it personally at all like others seem to when you dare to break the law. That was the good part about it. I told him how much I appreciated his demeanor. (I firmly believe in positive reinforcement.) He was completely taken aback and apologized for giving me the ticket. It was amusing aside from the having to pay a ticket bit. At least I didn't burst into tears upon seeing him. That's definitely what I felt like doing. Maybe I'm growing up after all.

ETA: Note that I didn't compliment him until after he gave me the ticket. I didn't want you to think I was some kind of sap trying to get off easy. :) And I did cry some later when I told Hub. I'm not that awesome. ;-)

Someone must have a lot of pull...

...because the Universe answered!!!! I got a FULL SLEEP last night! (Well, at least what passes for a full sleep these days with the peeing and whatnot, but I'll take it!)

I have to say though that a lot of credit goes to Hub who has been taking care of me like it's nobody's business lately. It's almost like when we were first together! The past few weeks he has been pitching in on everything and just making me feel well cared for in general. I'm so glad we're getting along so well now. It makes me act more kindly toward him too of course.

But last night he had the idea to add a doubled up comforter to the mattress pad already in place under our sheets. My body just can't handle the firm mattress anymore. That's what I used to love. That, along with the massage he gave me and my heating pad, must have worked because I'm not even as stiff as usual this morning. This is a miracle because after how I felt when I got home yesterday, I imagined not even being physically able to climb out of bed in the morning. Oh I'm so glad. I guess we'll just have to continue the ingenuity.

Desperate

So very tired. Rest please? And maybe a side of lots o' money so I can actually just pick a date before my due date to stop working? And then stay home with the kid for 3 months instead of 2?
Thanks Universe.

And the one where I'm happy...

Be forewarned... lots of gushing including about the baby included.

So contrary to the previous post, I'm actually quite happy today. Sometimes people just make me angry. Why am I happy might you ask? The first thing is, I PASSED MY 3 HOUR GLUCOSE TOLERANCE TEST! I didn't realize how much that was bothering me until it was no longer a load on my shoulders. I know, I know. It's a small thing in the grand scheme of "bad things that happen" but it still bothered me. Dearest obgyn had also just gotten a shipment of H1N1 vaccine in this morning, so I got that as well - yet another load off. Everything with baby looks good still. I love that little shit so much.

On the non-medical front, I asked the doctor to tell me how the baby is positioned to see if we had guessed correctly. We had. I don't know why that excites me so much. His rump is on my left side and is the larger lump just to the left of my belly button. His back is to us and his head is slightly lower down on my right side. So that thing that I thought was his arm? It probably was. When I've rubbed his little bum? It's actually his bum. And that thing that poked out of my side last week probably was a teeny baby foot. I just want to eat him up.

It's also gorgeous outside. My broken washer was promptly fixed this morning, and I just paid someone to do a wonderful job cleaning up my back lawn. It's really nice to not have to work so hard to make things fall in order sometimes. Tomorrow I look forward to a very dear woman coming over with her little one to help me clean up some of this mess. The sciatica just makes it really hard to get a lot done at a time, leaving me way behind without help. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Open Letter to an Asshat

To the man in the beautiful Mazda Miata convertible with the bumper sticker that read, "Honk if I'm paying your Mortgage" with a mocking Obama symbol for the O":

You suck. What a lovely way to rub your relative wealth in others' (who are less fortunate) faces. I hate asshat bumper stickers. They so cowardly ridicule or scorn others with the comfort of relative anonymity. I equally hate the stupid little pieces of paper that mock anyone for their beliefs or status whether I agree with them or not. No buttface, you are not paying my mortgage; partly because of our hard nosed dedication to fiscal responsibility, hard work and minimizing, but also partly because I lucked out and didn't have a major health problem crop up and lose my job, or have no one to turn to for help during desperate times, or get sucked into a really bad housing situation unknowingly. We actually DID get sucked into a mortgage that is not the best situation in the world due to a very unscrupulous mortgage broker who changed our loan at the last minute without our knowledge. We are making it work, but worry about what happens if the market doesn't improve before that balloon loan is due, or if something happens to one of our jobs while we are paying the higher interest rate than we were quoted.* Yes we were stupid first time home buyers and didn't have a lawyer, or we would have nailed his ass. But we did as much homework as we possibly could to prepare for this. Guess what? Sometimes you still get stuck with the shit end of the stick. It's nice that hasn't happened to you. Yippee hooray, here's your cookie. The problem is so widespread you can't tell me everyone in the U.S. who has had mortgage problems is an ass, and there is no blame to go anywhere else.

And guess what else? I don't pretend to know what exactly should have been done to help the mortgage crisis or if what was done was the best route. However, the idea of stemming the tide of foreclosures etc is to hopefully shore up the whole economy. As much as those of you judgmental jerks** who have everything you could possibly need think you are immune to what the rest of the country suffers, eventually you are not. The bubble of ignorant prosperity shrinks more and more and eventually, most of you would be feeling the burn too.

Tirade over.

*Yes we WANTED a 30 yr fixed rate. We are somewhat on a 30 yr fixed rate, with a few caveats. Bait and switch baby.
**I know the minority. OK.. I believe the minority. Thank God. But it still pisses me off.

Hub

Sometimes Hub gives me the warm fuzzies and the happy shivers all at once. Good thing I keep him around even when I'm upset.

Nephew Update

We haven't had one of these in a while.

Messages we've received from nephews lately:
(in descending age order)

Nephew #1: I miss Uncle and Aunt. I miss them lots. Uncle is so funny. Aunt B, my doggy misses you. Her behave much better when you're here. I think you should come pway with her. She wants you to.

Nephew #2: I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG boy!! (yes he's now in that stage)

Nephew #3: Raaaaaaaoooooooorrrreeeeeeeeeeegggrrrrrrrrr. (No, I'm not kidding. I got this message on my phone recently. The kid sounds like a wild animal being torn apart!!! I've never heard anything like it! And he's only talking! Imagine what this crazy 5 mo old sounds like when he's angry!) He has also said Uh-Oh enough times that no one now thinks they're crazy anymore. We don't know, however, if he knows what it means.

Gold Star

Hub has done lots of noteworthy things the past few weeks, but I have been remiss in posting them. Sorry hon! But this weekend he gets a big, fat gold star for all his efforts! It started out with the fact that he watched a movie that I've been bugging about with me this weekend. THEN he passed out a few random massages where he actually tried to do a good job and DID! Next we had all sorts of Halloween fun that didn't involve work. And the most important of all, we finished painting the baby's room! He did most of the painting, I did the set-up and ran errands. It's a lovely, inviting soft yellow now. I am so pleased. I can't wait to move things into it.

Happy Halloween

Just a small piece of a beautiful Halloween Town village set at a friend's house.

Advice

Breast cancer has found one in our family, (Funny how you think it won't) and big surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. I would love it if anyone who has had experience with this disease would let me know what helped them the most as far as gifts, support, well wishes etc go. I want to provide support with the sensitivity and caring that she deserves.

Not Immune

I am back from the 3 hour glucose tolerance test. Well, I've been back for a while, but food and sleeping had to come before blogging. It really wasn't so bad. I mean, it wasn't as bad as you would think for guzzling the orange crap and having 4 blood draws in 3 hours with an empty tummy. I was really lucky to have the very gentle guy who has a soothing voice and rarely hurts me at all and never leaves a bruise. He was so careful to not do the same draw twice. As for how I felt, the first hour and a half were bleeeeeh, but then I felt better. I'm hoping this is a sign my body dealt ok with the sugar? I know, I know. Don't get ahead of myself.

In any case, I had all these plans that I was going to write down blog ideas I had, make shopping lists and in short, just be all productive. Yeah right. I'm really glad I had my easy read book, Betrayed with me. I finished the whole thing. I liked it. I think I liked it enough to read the next few.

I did at least think about blogging while I sat there. I thought about the fact that while I'm pretty comfortable with this pregnancy now most of the time, I am most definitely not immune to the terror of something happening to my baby. As long as everything is going exactly according to plan, I feel great. But if one of my blood tests comes back a little off, or I don't feel him kicking quite so much one day, I worry.... a lot. People were so wonderful to me when I had my chemical pregnancy.* I was obviously devastated that one of our expensive, crappy procedures ended that way and that my possible little life was gone. However, I did know that it wasn't the same for me as losing it later on would have been. And people were so kind in saying that it was the same, that I was still a Mom and all that. But now I know for sure that for me, the loss of this pregnancy would be a devastation nowhere near what I felt then. I would mourn the loss of my child with all my heart. The stakes are so much higher now that when anything goes even a little off, that panicky voice tries to pipe up.

That's partly why I got the flu shot, and why I kick myself that I delayed on getting the H1N1 and now it's not here anymore. It was available for one day. I can handle getting sick and feeling miserable. What I can't handle is the guilt if I got sick and something happened to my baby when I had the possible power to prevent it. I dodged a bullet this week. We just found out that a friend we just visited was coming down with the swine flu while we were there. Luckily both Hub and I are past the point where we would be showing signs if we were to get it. However, Hub has been working his tail off and seems to catch everything, and I work around lots of people every day. I hope we continue with this luck.


*fyi just in case - meaning that you had a pregnancy.. implanted and all but you only had blood test results to prove it because it was lost so early. It always bugs me when people say it was a pregnancy that didn't implant. Because if it didn't implant, you wouldn't get a positive pregnancy or blood test. And you usually lose the pregnancy much after it should have implanted with a chemical.

30 Weeks 2 Days

Wearing my $6 Target clearance capris that almost don't fit anymore* and Jen's shirt for later pregnancy because many of my shirts also do not fit anymore.

*Hence why I only buy clearance stuff.

Last Night...

I rode a boat upriver and up a waterfall on my way to Niagara Falls - which happened to be moved to Ottawa. So what did you accomplish?

Book Challenge

Wow. My pitiful list of books is pretty sad compared to Kristin's. Way to go Kristin! There was a time when I read more, I swear.

Here is my original list.

1. The Sight - David Clement-Davies
2. Chalice - Robin McKinley
3. Number the Stars - Lois Lowry (thanks to Jen)
4. A Swiftly Tilting Planet - Madeleine L'Engle
5. Valiant - Holly Black
6. Marked - Kristin & PC Cast
7. Shadow Mountain - Renee Askins
8. Auralia's Colors - Jeffrey Overstreet

My synopsis of what I've actually read:

1. I tried valiantly to like this. All the descriptions and reviews pointed to the fact that I should like this, but I just couldn't. I rarely give up so quickly on a book, but I never got past the first few chapters. It was tedious. The descriptions and language were very overblown and flowery for me. The wolves in it had way too much human bent. Oh well. That's one more series to which I will not become addicted. (Which could maybe mean a cleaner house? Ah who am I kidding?)

2. I finished Chalice. I didn't fall in love with it like I have many of McKinley's other books, but I did enjoy it. Her writing is always masterful whether or not I like the direction it takes. She seems to try to change her style just to challenge herself, so her stories can be as different from one another as if it were a different author. The reason this book wasn't one of my favorites was that I felt the set-up was very drawn out and the secondary characters not as fleshed as they usually are. The ending, however, tied everything together so well that I ended up liking the whole story much more than I thought I would. And I really enjoyed the main character.

3. Haven't read it yet. :(

4. FINISHED! I enjoyed it very much, but for me, it still doesn't come close to A Wrinkle in Time.

5. I really didn't enjoy this book. The ideas and setting were intriguing, but it was too dark for me with too little to redeem the main characters. (Can you tell I'm a big character girl?) I also was very drawn into the characters from the first book, Tithe, and they are largely missing from this story. I was disappointed.
ADDITION: I also finished Ironside, the 3rd in the series. This one brought back my favorite characters and a lot of the humanity (as much as possible considering many of the characters are not) that the second book lacked.

6. This was a decent non-thinking sort of read. The writing wasn't stellar, but the story was good. Sometimes I feel like the authors try too hard to fit into the teenage mindset and language though. It's distracting to me. I don't know how teens feel when they read it. I'm on the second book, Betrayed, now and feel that it does some of that even more so far.

7. Haven't yet read.

8. I've read the first few chapters. The premise and world seem very interesting, but I haven't yet been drawn enough into the characters for me to feel like I can't put it down. There also isn't much action and plot development at the moment. I don't know how much of my disinterest is the book and how much is my mood. I'll pick it up again later and see. I don't dislike it at least.

I'm also still working on Silent Spring. It's a book I pick up and read in little bits. The writing is lovely, but it's hard to connect sometimes to it being so long ago. It's also not something you read for fun.

Thanks Kristin!

Relief?

After weeks of problems I slept (mostly) through the night last night! I was actually able to wake up to the alarm! The only thing I did differently was buy and wear a maternity belt that supports your belly the past 2 days. Let's hope it's that and not that Venus was in the 7th house. Ah life is so much better when you're rested.

I wish it wouldn't come to this...

I got up over an hour before I had to for work. I went to bed an hour after I usually would for work. I got far less done in the house this weekend than needed to be done. I am becoming desperate for relief. Work and doctor talks must commence I guess.

What's that SMELL?

You all know I've been leaking regularly. It's not a secret. Anyway, quite a while ago, I noticed that I smell different from my normal smell. No I'm not talking about the slaving away in the Florida sun smell. It's just your normal aroma - the one that when you bury your nose in your spouse's shoulder makes it feel like home. But a while back, I noticed that I didn't smell like me anymore. I smelled like baby. This perplexed me. How could I smell like baby? He's not even HERE. Then I realized it... yes the colostrum is partly to blame, but what if, just what if, babies actually smelled like their mommies? Revolutionary idea eh? Being an animal person, you'd think I'd already realize that was bound to happen. You don't want the mommy animals going all wild animal instinct on their babies. But you know, you don't really think about it in a human, my-nose-doesn't-work-that-way sense. Oh but mine is working that way. It's always been a bit more sensitive, and now I'm a bloodhound. So here I was, thinking that babies smell like babies, and the mommies pick that up from holding them all the time, when the correct answer was basically slapping me in the face. It was a pretty cool revelation, but I'm still getting used to it. Luckily Hub likes it. The massage therapist and I also talked about it the other day and completely agreed which is what gave me the push to post this. The funny thing is, one of my pets has finally started to relax around me. He has been acting strangely since early in the pregnancy and hates change of any kind. I'm sure the house changes are bothering him, but it can't help that I smell like a whole different human. Poor little booger.

Did You Get Your Flu Shot?

I have never gotten a flu shot before. And the last time I had the flu was when I was about 12. That being said, circumstances are a little different this time around. I caught a cold once already, and it was completely miserable. I'll be knocking on my neighborhood clinic's door tomorrow morning when it receives its supply. My doctor can then be very happy and stop recommending it at regular intervals.

As for the H1N1 shot, I've already decided to get that one too as soon as it is offered. There is one offered about 20 miles from here, but I just really don't want to schlep up there to get it. I'm hoping one will be offered closer soon and that waiting is not the wrong decision considering some of my co-workers have contracted the virus already. I don't know when they're contagious but they often come to work sick, because who has the time off or money to stay out as long as that damn flu seems to last? The vaccine is completely killed pieces of the virus, so according to what I learned in college microbiology - pretty darn safe. You can however, have various reactions to it. I found lots of information that may be helpful to others in making a decision on the CDC website.

More Letters to Babybutt

Dear Babybutt,

I'm glad you have a few things that make you happy and chill. It's nice to know that classical lullabies help keep you from kicking Mommy's guts out in the car. It's much easier to drive that way. It's also very handy to know that if Mommy sings and rocks herself while trying to sleep that you will ease up on the nightly cartwheels and somersaults that always accompany Mommy's quiet repose. (Don't worry. You'll learn these words later.)

It's also really interesting to learn that sometimes when you poke an appendage out, that Mommy touching it will startle you and you'll yank it back in. But on the other hand, a professional massage means sleepy time for baby.

Thanks for letting me know what you like. Hopefully these things hold true when you're a squirmy crazy man on the Outside.

xo
M

p.s. I love your hiccups. Sorry if they suck for you.

My Day Part Two

Oooooooooh I feel good. The weather today was beautiful, and my massage was so wonderful. The therapist was a doll. She said she loves giving pre-natal massages because "they're so sweet." She liked to hear how the baby was moving during it and she and I talked about mommying everything from babies to animals to cousins. I liked her very much, and she made me feel absolutely and completely at ease. That is such a gift in a massage therapist.

She worked the horrid knots out of my neck so that my head doesn't feel so weird anymore. She also worked on the muscles around the sciatic nerve. It's amazing to me how they can feel a little bit and then go right to the problem area. I couldn't have even really told her where to massage, but she got it perfectly. When I flipped to the side for her to get it, it hurt as usual. By the time she was done and I flipped back, it wasn't hurting at all! I do believe some angels sang. The babybutt seemed to like the massage too as he was the quietest he's been in weeks throughout the whole thing. Normally, me lying down like that would cause a whole lot of stretching and punching protest. But there was not a peep from the little bugger for at least 40 minutes.

After my massage I went to DSW and bought brand new sneakers with divine gel insoles. The sciatica doesn't stand a chance now! Then I picked up a peanut butter cup smoothie (banana, chocolate and peanut butter) and drove home with the windows down and a blissful smile on my face.

When Will I Learn?

Overconfidence is completely foolish where my body is concerned. I was actually just thinking that last night as I prepared to get the results for my 1 hour glucose tolerance test and reflected on my assertion that I thought it would be fine. "Silly Barb," I thought to myself. It's still not horrible, but not ideal.

So the bad first: my level was one point above normal. Isn't that annoying? When I asked what that meant for me, the doctor said that though he's not too concerned, he'd like me to do the 3 hour test just to be sure. ACK gag me. That's going to suck big hairy ones. He says that while he thinks there's only a 5 to 10% chance that it's actually gestational diabetes, with my PCOS history and the fact that my level jumped from 86 last time to 131 this time, he'd like to err on the side of caution. He seemed genuinely regretful about it though. He also said that even if it is GD, that we could manage such a mild case with diet alone. So I know there are a lot worse things. In fact, I've been through a lot worse things. It's just that I so hate that test, so I'm bummed about it. I keep thinking that if I just hadn't eaten as late as I did the night before, or eaten better or something like that, that I would have passed it and wouldn't have to do this bullshit. Oh well. There is a LOT to be thankful for without dwelling on that.

So the GOOD news is that the doctor thought my weight gain "fabulous." Who can figure these guys out? He said I'm on track to gain a total of about 30 pounds, and he's completely comfortable with that. OK. That was a nice surprise. Thank goodness, because he might have made me cry otherwise. That's not too difficult to accomplish these days. He said that I look fabulous and that again, this pregnancy is progressing beautifully. He's generally quite the cheerleader.

My sciatica has been getting much much worse. It's now on both sides, but the right side is horrible. I overdid it with the in-laws for 2 weekends and then overdid it at work the day before yesterday. That night I had some of the worst pain I've had. It was horrible trying to sleep. Tylenol barely touches it, and sleeping on my sides makes it hurt more. Lovely. When I brought this up with him, his attitude was pretty much that he knew it was going to happen because I'm small, and that there's not much I can do about it. He suggested sleeping in a recliner - which for us means buying a recliner. I know it's a really good idea, it's just that with all the expenses we have coming in lately, I don't want to have to do that. But I guess my continuing to work is a bigger issue than spending a few hundred dollars. Because if this problem gets much worse, I may have to ask for light duty. And if they can't accommodate that, they'll put me on maternity leave early. bleh. So perhaps we'll be on the lookout. If you've heard any good deals with a decent, but not expensive, fancy chair, please pass it along.

And lastly - the very best news of all - I have my prenatal massage today that the Hub so kindly gave me as a birthday gift! Maybe she can work on those stubborn nerves and muscles!

Weighing In

Well, I'm now up to the 25 pound total weight gain my doctor wanted to see by the time I delivered... except that I'm only at the 29 week mark. That means I gained four pounds in 2 weeks. I am not excited to be weighed at this week's appointment. I'm sure he's going to have a few things to say. I wouldn't have anxiety about it at all if it weren't for the big weigh in and lecture crap. That's the only thing that bothers me about my otherwise perfection of an obgyn.

Send me happy thoughts please.

Breast Pump Help (Again)

I called my hospital about this, and they gave me an answer, but I'm not sure I remember it all correctly. So rather than call them again, I thought I'd ask all of you bright people. I think my hospital says they carry Ameda and Medela breast pumps to show their new moms. Now since they carry both of those, would you get the attachment stuff for free to take home with you from one of them? You know, like the suction thingies and tubes. Yes I am very technical. I was mistaken in some of my info on my first call, so I didn't remember what I needed to know correctly.

Thanks peeps!

Bribery Already

Dear Babybutt,

I love you lots and lots. Do you think maybe you could not bounce so much on my bladder and kick where it hurts when I'm trying to sleep? If you could do that, I'll try to be more generous in my cookie portioning later when you're on the "outside."

Love,
Mama

Last night Hub loaded the dishwasher just to be nice. I was going to do it, but I was so tired after my sojourn of the day that I kept dragging my feet. He just got up and did it. Then he eagerly dragged my clothes out to the washroom for me to do, because he was afraid he'd forget otherwise. Those of you who know him know that that's a HUGE deal because he usually waits until the last minute and forgets stuff like that.

And finally, when he crawled into bed he hugged me and said, "You know I just don't love you right? I also LIKE you a lot. You're my favorite person." It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment, and we had a very productive, brief conversation.

Lots to be thankful for today.

Big Day

Today I felt like a character in one of those children's books. You know the ones. They have titles like, "Suzy's Big Day Out!" or "Sammy's Zoo Adventure!" But mine would have been titled, "Barb's Big Day Out that Would Have Been Bigger Had She Not Been Stymied at Every Turn!" Too long? I'll have to work on it.

In any case, here's how today went. First I woke up at 7am to head out for the wonderful glucose tolerance test. I had imagined it was the two hour, but nope! It was the one hour! Huzzah! That was a wonderful gift to a tired, hungry, pregnant lady. I guess this gift came with caveats though, seeing as it's still the dreaded sugar-sludge-chugged-in-under-5-minutes-prisoner-for-an-hour-before-bloodletting crappy test that it always is. I have very high hopes of passing it. It feels weird to trust my body at this late stage, but I believe I'm starting to do just that.

After that I wolfed down the first breakfast I could find and then collapsed for a nap before getting ready to head to our hospital for pre-registration! I am quite excited about our beautiful hospital and had only seen it from afar and on the website before today. It's exclusively for women and babies and has pretty much everything you could want for delivery and infant care. And all rooms are private! My excitement waned some this afternoon though when I came upon rain and 2 accidents on the interstate - never a good thing. It took me almost 2 hours to drive the 13 miles necessary.

When I got to the hospital parking garage, what I had thought was a $5 bill in my wallet turned out to be two ones. I told the attendant I'd just turn around, but then he asked how much I had. I told him $2.50. He told me it would be silly to turn around and to just give him the money. I thought this was a very gracious gesture on his part before he handed me the stub that said "$1 Parking Pass." Upon reflection I came to the conclusion that the arrangement was perhaps more beneficial to him than I had thought. If he gave me a $1 parking pass, and I gave him $2.50.... Well, I imagine you can put 2 and 2 together. Oh well. He could probably use the money, and I still saved $1.50 on parking, so all benefit.*

The hospital itself is beautiful. There is a waterfall people - and lots of glass. The lobby is gleaming, and the staff are almost frighteningly pretty. I was directed to admissions for my paperwork. It was sobering to fill out information about my son. My son. I was feeling very sentimental of course. Then the mobile NICU went by with lights flashing, and the thought of someone's precious baby in there almost made me cry. Of course the crying is pretty frequent these days.

When I took the forms back to the desk, they handed me a buzzer like you get at restaurants. Weird. Has anyone else had these? I was glad of its portability though because by this time, I had not used a restroom in over 2 hours.** Even the restroom was fancy. Something that tickled my funny bone was the sink set up. There were no real sinks. There was a slab of frosted glass a few feet across that angled to a trough. The faucets were positioned above the trough at the back of the slab. I thought to myself, "How fancy!" before leaning over to wash my hands. I often forget that my belly doesn't clear things like it used to. I had to chuckle as I huffed and oomphed leaning into that damn glass to reach the faucets. The cleaning lady chuckled with me too when I said, "This sure is pretty, but they weren't thinking much about the patients here when they designed it!"

When my buzzer rang... "Please return to the admissions desk at this time. Thank you!" I was directed to a little office where a woman sat to sign a bunch of consent forms. I can't imagine doing all this while in labor. If you can pre-register, do it!

I signed a bunch pertaining to my health and care, and then she handed me a set of what looked to be identical forms. "These are for the baby," she said at my quizzical look. I initialed and signed and then came to the part that says, "relationship." At this she said, "Now instead of self, you write Mother," and gave me a warm look. Wow. That almost did me in. I'm signing for my baby. I'm signing for another human being's welfare. I am responsible for another human's life. My face got warm and my eyes burned. My chest felt light and full at the same time. Our baby. It doesn't get better than that.***

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*Well, except perhaps the hospital coffers, but I think they're getting enough from me and my insurance company. What they don't know won't hurt them.

**Not an acceptable amount of time even when I wasn't pregnant.

***And indeed it didn't as my next adventure involved trying to find some maternity shirts that fit as I'm rapidly running out again. It's hard to do regular large shirts anymore due to the damn bazoombas. I wanted some dresses. Yeah right. Out of 10 try on items, I found 2 that were ok. (Mainly because they were so cheap). Then I drove home through yet MORE awful traffic, and this trip took me 50 minutes. I guess it was an improvement over 2 hours.

P.S. The hospital cafe is AWESOME