Pessimism in the New Year

First I have to wish everyone a safe, happy and healthy New Year. I know the healthy part is always questionable for a lot of us, but here's to hoping anyway. :)

I'm almost in the middle of my two week wait. I have a killer lower backache, cramps, mood swings and major chocolate and salt cravings. In short, it feels like my period is just around the corner, but it's way too early. I seem to feel like this more on Femara than I did on anything else. And it was much worse the cycle of my chemical pregnancy (or early miscarriage). Of course that freaks me out, but what are ya gonna do? These signs never really mean anything in particular except in hindsight. So that doesn't really help me.

Something that is really bothering me though is that I know our chances, and I know they aren't high. Therefore, I've been preparing myself for the coming of AF. The thing that's jerking me around so much right now though is that this is it. This is our last cycle... at least for a really long time. If this doesn't pan out, we start saving a dollar here and a dollar there (literally) toward adoption and start investigating the process. Between the lap and the latest round of failed cycles, we are very very broke. We wouldn't have made the bills this month except for some very thoughtful gifts of cash from some relatives.

Adoption scares the crap out of me. And if this cycle doesn't work, barring a miracle, that's what we're looking at. I'm afraid of the cost, the process and the adjustment. But I know I have a lot of love to give the child that's waiting for us. I just don't know yet how to grieve the loss of the pregnancy experience.

So I'm in the midst of depression and pessimism. Even if I am pregnant, how do I make sure I won't lose it? PCOS is not famous for its kindness to pregnancy. I know these are the same things that plague many of your minds. I'm just deeper into it than I usually am. I think I've decided that I need some time to myself until we know for sure, and some time to process the results. I will be around, but if I post, it probably won't be ttc related at all. I will definitely let you all know when I feel I can though. I just need to step back for DH and me. I hate this black pit of a wait. And I hate even more the negative results afterwards. I'll be thinking of you all though.

B

Stuff

Wow everyone! Thanks so much! Disclaimer: this is not going to be a well written post. It's just a jumble of my thoughts and reactions to your comments. Sometimes you just have to have those. :)

Our Christmas was very nice. It was spent with family and lots of good food. My dear husband made me cry by remembering how much I loved watching White Christmas and buying it for me. He even bought it well in advance! That was very touching coming from hubby.

The large package my Mom lugged down actually contained 2 little beach chairs! We love them! Every time she went to the beach with us, she mentioned how we should have some. Now we do! It only took 3 years of living here, but we finally have a beach umbrella and some chairs.

And as for your comments; you all are very sweet to offer me such encouragement. I can say that it is definitely appreciated right now. This is our last shot in many ways, so there has been a lot of anxiety in this house about the outcome. I don't feel very optimistic about our chances, but I still have that hope. So I don't know what I will do when/if we get that negative. I'm finally coming out of the depression/craziness that the drugs cause, but that will surely plunge me right back in.

Allison & Farah - I'm glad (and sad) someone else has experienced that feeling! I felt a little like a freak. :) Thanks for the well wishes.

Browneyedgirl - I did my first 2 IUIs alone. I didn't like it, but it was ok. You'll be just fine. (and hopefully won't need it!)

Thanks Heather, Jennifer, Bea, Y, Hilary and Chips for all your support! It really means a lot.

CLAIRE! Please email me so I can catch up with you. I don't have any way of contacting any of you (old Buddy Group) and would love to know more! I hope things are all well with you.

See.. pretty jumbled. But it feels good to return the love. ;-)

Santa Brought me an IUI!

The IUI went very well. It was the first time Hub has ever come into the room with me, so that was way cool. It had to be at the main office since mine wasn't open, but the minute I was called back to the room, DearNurse, NewNurse (she seems nice) and Phlebotomist were all there to greet me! They were, in fact, waiting for me to walk through the door! It made me feel wonderful. There were hugs and Merry Christmases all around before we proceeded to the business at hand.

I had the doctor on call, but I've had her before, and she was very good. I had the least discomfort of all 3 of my IUIs. DearNurse chatted with us as usual (she had asked to attend), and everyone appreciated my festive reindeer socks. DH's boys were in a good mood, and we had 28.5 million post wash with 87% rapid progressive motility! Those supplements have sure helped! I believe I will have an egg release from each side as Lefty should be over 20 right now and Righty should be over 18. I'm certainly feeling it in each ovary. My lining is definitely thick enough. Now it's just a waiting game. The one we all know and love.

The only bummer is I always get so emotional and feel so vulnerable right after an IUI. It's like the ultimate proof that I am broken and need this help to have a chance. I'm also always sad that this can't just be between DH and me. But overall, I'm reservedly happy.

Since I won't be posting on Christmas, I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! Love to all.

Gonal-f pen, how I love thee

Last night I injected my last dose of Gonal-f. However, it was not my beloved (as I've now come to realize) pen. It was the 75IU dose syringe that you have to mix. I do not know why DearNurse hates the pen so much now that I've experienced the syringe. It's a royal pain in the ARSE to mix. It's very hard to pull everything out of that vial; making a control freak like me feel like I screwed everything up. And lastly, it burns like Hell going in! Then there's the fact that shortly afterwards, I became even more dizzy than I have been the past few days, and developed a searing pain in my left temple that responded to every stimulus imaginable. But then again, I am the side effect Queen of the Universe. (overly dramatic much?)

I still have this pain, over 24 hrs later, but the doctor thinks it's unrelated. I have no idea what else it could be since I've never had a feeling like this in my life, and it happened shortly after the shot when I stood and tried to walk. Despite what she told me, headache is listed in the drug info as a common side effect. So who knows. Hopefully it goes away by tomorrow.

And as for the trifle moody comment, it was most definitely euphemistic. Somewhere around my 3rd dose I began having those crazy spiraling episodes of despair followed by intense anger and irritation that I remember so well from my clomid days. It's still not quite as bad, but damn is it close.

On the bright side, I had a great time with my Grandmother, the Ovidrel injection was fine, Christmas Eve is tomorrow and so is our IUI! I'm trying very hard not to be so realistic about our chances. ;-)

A Very Quick Update

I must be very fast here as I wait for my ride for a fun night with the Grandmother.

Largest follie is on the left side at 16.5mm. Miss Righty is PO'd that Miss Lefty tried to steal her thunder and came out of nowhere with a 13.5mm. I will do Gonal-F for 2 more days, then trigger on the 3rd day and insemination on Christmas Eve! I was worried it would fall on Christmas Day, and then I'd be up you know what creek without a paddle since my clinic is closed then. (speaking of which, see the poll on the sidebar. Just curious.)

My lining is a psycho 13mm, and I wish it would calm down!

A Sweet Sister Story

I am so lucky in that my Mom, sister and most of my family are extremely supportive and don't even seem capable of assvice. Keep that in mind as I relay an interchange between my Mom and Sister.

My Mom called to talk to me about Christmas shopping and the like. She started telling me about what my Sister liked and for whom she bought presents. One of the things my Sister wanted to buy was a pretty little infant dress.

Mom: Are you planning on having another one already?

Sis: No, (wistful sigh) I want to buy it for Barb.

Mom: But honey, you know they're having problems. And besides, how do you know she'd have a girl?

Sis: Oh. She'd have a girl. And it would look so beautiful in this little dress! The colors are just perfect for the lovely dark skin their baby will have. I just want to buy it for her because I can't wait. And it's so beautiful that I want it for my sister's baby.

That's relayed as best I can recall. Mom did manage to talk her out of buying the dress. Isn't that the most bittersweet, heartbreaking thing? My Sister is younger than I am, so I'm accustomed to being the one to worry about her, and be wistful over her. It made me realize how much this affects not just me, but everyone around me. I wish I could give my nephew a cousin. I hope I can someday.

A Thought...

You know how so many exclaim in hushed tones, "oooh. How will you explain to junior about how he/she was conceived?" Well, as I stared at the ultrasound screen, flat on my back (amongst other things), I thought, "That little follicle could be my baby waiting for conception." And it hit me. In one way, I feel lucky. I feel lucky that I may get to view my child's very beginnings. I feel a strange warmth toward the grainy image of that little follicle that could. I find myself cheering it on wordlessly throughout the day. And I love watching it grow and develop for ovulation. It makes me feel like I can at least get something right in this mess - even if it's only occasionally.

I realized that I feel privileged to be in on this very basic form of human life. Even if I never carry to term, I got to see what might have been my baby. And if I do carry successfully, I will see my child at stages that most women never get the chance to see.

So when (if) my child asks about his or her conception years down the road, I don't know what all I will explain, but I know how I will start. I will say with heartfelt honesty, "You were loved from the very very beginning."

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*I was feeling unusually sappy and optimistic. Chalk it up to hormones.
Lovely Christmas date planned with the Grandmother tomorrow night AND follicle scan in AM. I don't know if I can update, but will try.

2 Injections Down!

And 2 to go! At least that's what it looks like right now. I just did my second injection of 75 IU of Gonal-F tonight. It's such a small amount to plunge in that I think it's easier than the Ovidrel. I also find it much easier in my tummy than in my thigh. Of course that may be because there is much less muscle definition in my tummy than in my thigh, but that's for another discussion.

It's been a breeze, but my first time injecting after a while is always a little nerve wracking. I'm pretty steady when I do the injection, but afterwards I'm a little quivery. I don't know if it's nerves from fear of pain or from worry that I'll do it wrong. Miss perfectionist has to get it just right!! If I don't, that's just one more way I can blame myself for a failed cycle or pregnancy. Anyone else have these thoughts/experiences?

I had my CD10 follicle scan today. They got new machines at my clinic. I can't see much on them and don't like them. To my great surprise, DearNurse validated my feelings by announcing her hatred of them as well. They're supposed to be the "latest and greatest," but the images are all shadowy and the follicles more grainy and harder to see than usual. The discussion of the machine's shortcomings prompted a hilarious mime routine by DearNurse of how awkward it is to learn how to use them by practicing on one's self or coworkers; in turn, making the patient feel less like a dildo cam guinea pig. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at an RE appointment. It was, dare I say it, almost pleasant? I don't know what I did to deserve a nurse that suits my personality so perfectly.

But I digress. The short of it is that we are cautiously optimistic about this cycle. I obviously don't respond to Femara much at all anymore. Even on the doubled dose (and with one FSH shot in me), we only have 2 that may be contenders. Miss Lefty has decided to show Miss Righty how it's done (which worries me greatly) and has produced a slightly under target 13.5mm and 11.5mm so far. I have one more Gonal-F injection tomorrow, then another ultrasound on Friday, and hopefully news of when to trigger with Ovidrel then. We need all the luck we can get, so please heap it on us!

Halfway There

Whew! I'm finished with the first part of my new cycle! I took my last two Femara pills last night. I have to say that Femara is still nothing like clomid. However, I had a few of those infamous Femara headaches, and was exhausted from it. I would become exhausted about an hour after taking it and then it would ease up right around the time the next dose was due again. So I'm glad that's over!

I now have to gear up for my first Gonal-F injection tomorrow night. DearNurse has informed me that it may make me feel a trifle moody and unbalanced. Great news for the hubster and my co-workers. I also have my first follie scan (at my urging) on Wednesday, which will be cycle day 10.

I have to admit that I am not overly optimistic about our chances of conceiving or keeping a healthy pregnancy. But we have to try. If this doesn't work, we probably have a few more years ahead of us as we'd have to save money for more treatments, adoption, or hope that I spontaneously ovulate and by some miracle we hit the mark.

To combat some of the worry, I've taken up knitting again with a vengeance. Knitting, horseback riding and hiking are the only activities that soothe me during my most tense moments. I'll take some photos of the finished products and post them here. Note that it's been a while since I've picked up the needles, so I'm not totally happy with my efforts, but then again, I am the very definition of perfectionist.

A Little Christmas Fun

First off, let me tell you that Christmas is my very favorite holiday. So, I hope you don't get too tired of hearing about it.

Because of my complete joy in the season, when I saw this post on One Day Two Day, I decided I just had to do it too. It's also a nice distraction. So here go my favorite holiday things:

Favorite "classic" Christmas movie: "White Christmas", hands down. It reminds me sooooo much of my Grandfather.

I'd like to add Favorite non-classic Christmas movie: Elf and Love Actually

Favorite Christmas song: "Good King Wenceslas" for words, "Holly Jolly Christmas" (with Burl Ives!) for sound, and "My Favorite Things" as a whole package. "Oh Come Emmanuel" would be in there, but I don't think it's technically a Christmas song. But I looove it.

Gift I'm most looking forward to giving: Taking my Grandmother to see the Candlelight Processional at EPCOT.

Gift I'm excited to receive: Any! I love gifts and love surprises! I have to say though that I'm mighty curious about a huge oddly shaped box that my Mom brought down as a Christmas gift last visit.

Gift I bought for others that I wish I could keep for myself: wonderful, fuzzy, pink sleep socks from Bath and Body Works.

New movie coming that I'm most excited to see: Harry Potter. Too far away? Ok, I guess The Golden Compass

Favorite snack food I get at Christmas: Cheeseballs and Hickory Farms brown sugar Turkey stick!!!!!

Favorite Christmas cookie that I don't make: Those anise flavored super thin wafery cookies with the designs on them. What are those called again?? Help!

Favorite Christmas cookie that I make: Peanut Blossoms (nod to Seussgirl ;-)

New Favorite holiday coffee drink: no coffee. I do love Twinings loose leaf Christmas Tea though!

Favorite Holiday Dishes: Ones heaped with good food. :D

If you do this, let me know so I can go see your answers too!

It Starts

Well, it starts for what seems like the 5th time after all those false starts. (ok, really only 2) I took my first doubled dose of Femara tonight - CD3. And DearNurse gave me a cd to watch about using gonal-F at my cyst scan yesterday. She also is letting me come in for a follie scan on CD10 to see if I'll need the other 2 doses of gonal-F. I have to say that I was a bit shocked that he still wasn't going to see me until CD12, when all meds were completed. I mean, we're going a bit gung ho here with the increased dose and injects I've never done on top of it. Shouldn't he want to make sure I'm not over producing before continuing with the shots? I don't know.

I'm really nervous about this whole cycle. I'm nervous about what this new dose will do to me. I'm nervous about what the injects will do to me. I'm nervous that our chemical pregnancy is the only bfp we're ever going to see.

By the way, where the heck is everyone? Is it the holidays that's keeping people away?

Aunt Flo must have sharpened her sticks...

...and she's poking them into various reproductive organs with a vengeance. It's this very pain (along with a few other factors) that convinced my doctor I needed a laparoscopy. So I'm sitting here before 6 AM, on my day off, waiting for drugs to kick in so I can get back to sleep.

During my Christmas shopping yesterday (almost done!), I started to develop my hella-lower back ache, cramps, and the sparkling disposition that usually accompanies The Witch. So I knew it was coming later that day. It was odd though because my last dose of Provera was supposed to be last night. I've been getting my period earlier and earlier from my Provera treatments. I can only assume that my body's responding better due to the thyroid meds and metformin. It used to be that I would go a good 3 months without my period, and then only get it a week after finishing Provera. Oh well. I guess I'll never truly understand this crazy system I've got. The good news is that this means my shiny new cycle with my hopeful new protocol starts a week earlier than I thought! We should be able to sneak it in under the wire juuuust before Christmas. Maybe that will bring me luck. (mm hmm.. just like everything else has :eye roll:) I will call to get in for my cyst scan today and get my scripts for the new Femara dose. I already have the gonal-F.

This explains my uber-sensitivity this past week. I've become acutely aware that the pain of infertility and the loss of hope has solidified into a deeply rooted, aching knot in the pit of my stomach. It's become so deep that I can talk about it on the surface perfectly calmly, and have become quite the educator. But I carry it around with me always, and things that used to give me wistful hope now only set off a storm of emotions. I guess now I understand even better what everyone means when they talk about the difference in experience when you've tried almost everything and have ttc longer than a certain period. All painful experiences, but very different.

That being said, if you are in this same place, do not watch Waitress... especially before AF.... right before Christmas... right after a couple of spectacularly failed cycles. Dumb, dumb decision. It's a good movie. However, that did not outweigh my negative reaction (though I guess it was cathartic), and no it did not give me hope.

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P.S. A shout-out to the hubs for being such a doll and listening sweetly to the blubbering mess that was me. And also for apparently taking this fabulously funny post to heart and doing exactly as it suggests.

Help Choosing my "Creme"

Mel at Stirrup Queens has asked that we all search our blogs for the best of our 2007 entries. She takes the submissions and compiles them in a wonderful list that we can all enjoy later.

I haven't submitted my "Creme de la Creme" yet, so I'm not really on the list. I just wanted to spread the word for more submissions and ask that if you've read my blog, do you have a favorite entry? I'm terrible at judging my own work, so appreciate any suggestions. It will just help me know where to look for a possible entry. Don't worry Mel, I'm not letting them choose my submission, nor will I tell anyone what it is. I just need a little push. :)

If you have any favorites, please leave a note in my comments! Thanks!

Kindness Abounds

It's amazing how kindness can come out of the woodwork when we least expect it. Despite my current wallow in depression, I've been uplifted by many people this past week. First of all, DearNurse left a message on my cell saying how she's been thinking about me and my situation. She went on to talk about various ways I could save money on the meds, and told me that she sent out the adoption info that I had been asking about. I really couldn't do this without such wonderful office and nursing staff, and I told them so last visit.

Next, I got a very uplifting note in the mail from a co-worker who I look up to a great deal. It addressed some of my work concerns and assured me that I am doing the good job that I had thought (and hoped) despite the fact that management doesn't notice.

And to top it off, I recently left a message board that I had been on for almost 2 years. As I was leaving, someone really came out of the woodwork to tell me that I had had a big impact on her and that she thought highly of my character. That one came out of left field for me and left me glowing all day. I always see myself as a quiet supporter; not very noticeable, not very popular, and not too interesting. She, on the other hand, seems vivacious, funny and sharp; always popular, lots of fun and full of confidence. These are traits to which I aspire. However, she helped me see the good in my own character and for that I am very grateful.

There have been so many more instances of great kindness lately that my faith in human good has been strengthened. Thank you all for that. I definitely needed a dose of faith. I also want to pay it forward. So I'm choosing one person to honor for the good in their own nature. There are so many I would like to recognize, but I don't want to lessen the impact. I'll leave it up to you good people. Pick someone who needs a lift; someone who may feel unnoticed, or someone who just inspires you (especially if you've never told them before) and dedicate a blurb or two to them on your blog. I just want others to get that wonderful rush of warmth.

So without further ado, I would like to tell Yodasmistress how much I admire her sassy self. You're fun, confident and bold on the surface, but beneath that seems to lurk a sensitive soul. Your depth of empathy for others is inspiring. And Yoda (I don't know if I'm allowed to use her real name. ;-) ), you are strong and good and kind. I know lately you haven't always felt that way and have questioned a lot, but these are strengths in your character that you need to know. You have the courage to stand up for the underdog and fight the good fight when I'm way too chicken. Keep on keepin on chick! And we'll support you. I thought you could use the lift with your lap coming up.

For others from whom I learn, just check out my blog roll. And for some of the women I've met outside of the blog world (Stephanie, L and K) thanks a ton!

To Brighten Your Day

Check out this You Tube video. It will definitely give you a lift... especially if you like animals (cats in particular.) It makes me happy every time I view it.

Cat Man Do (Known on You Tube as "wake up cat.")