Last Night

I cried.

I cried because I got my period, and it just feels like the symbol telling me this will pass. I thought I was totally cool with my baby getting bigger. Turns out I'm not. My period reminding me he's close to 6 months when breastfeeding may end. Holding his little warm infant body will someday soon be different. Everything changes. Am I ready?

I cried because one of the best friends I've ever had is going far away. I'll see her again sure, but now there's a big comfort, happiness shaped empty spot here in Florida.

Love you Matt, Jen, Elizabeth, Trin and Little Dog.

Your friends,
Barb, Hub, E and boys.

Wonder

I was talking to someone at work the other day and mentioned "my son." My son. Oh my God. What a beautiful, wondrous, amazing thing.

Baby update

Baby may have asthma like Daddy. New month long nebulizer treatment to see how he responds.

post script

Re-reading my post and thinking about all my symptoms, thyroid jumps out at me. I do believe it's time to call Endo.

The Self Doubt

I've been having a lot of self doubt, depression and guilt lately. My baby is still not better, and I worry about that intensely. The poor thing has lost so much weight and still has trouble eating because of his congestion. He still vomits at least once/day from all the coughing and has trouble sleeping most times. It's been over a week. It seems that last night his fever started returning. We go to the doctor tomorrow. This is torture for us and mostly for him.

In other areas of life, I'm doubting my ability to be a good friend, wife and mother. I haven't been physically or emotionally able to give as much of myself since the end of my pregnancy. I realize now this depression and anxiety thing is not new and has been going on for months. It's getting better now, but I still backslide a LOT. People who I thought were my good friends have never come to see E, while they've gone to see another friend's baby multiple times, and I wonder if that's my fault.

I feel guilty that E and I have stood on the way of Hub's big career move for the thing he wants to do most. It absolutely breaks my heart even though at the time, I wanted more of his presence. And I hear peoples' criticisms of my mothering and it bothers me so much because I worry about a kernel of truth in it.

I feel so alone in this so often. I've read Dooce for years, and now I know of which she speaks in that vein.

Happier Times

E is slowly getting better with steroids and nebulizer treatments. The steroids make him HYPER, so he's been talking up a storm. Lots of M, N and L sounds. He's also been holding on to Mommy a lot, and that is the sweetest, most heartbreaking thing ever.

Mommy is the only one not sick, so is so so so tired. We've been dealing with this since Friday night. Exhausted. So here is a photo of happier times. I figure it's non identifying enough. Or maybe I'm just having a weak moment from all the tired. And if you want even cuter, go over to Jen's blog to see their love for each other.

sick

Illness and fatigue pervade.

A Poll

Every time I open up about it, it seems like someone in the vicinity (or even most in the vicinity) have slept with their baby at one point or another. That got me to thinking about a poll and how interesting that could be. So have at it on the sidebar.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

Thank you baby. Thank you for that spit up on my head (courtesy of Daddy's positioning of you). I'm sure my hair is glossier and more healthy for it. Thank you also for the poop on my leg and the spittle spray on my roll. I know you're just trying to build my immune system. Also thank you for shoving both thumbs in your mouth this morning. It gave Daddy and me a really good laugh. Apparently that makes for much better falling asleep.

But most of all, thank you for your trusting warm body up against me when you're relaxed. Feeling your little heart beat right over mine warms me to my toes and makes me sigh.

Love you,
M

Love/Hate

I hate yeast.
I hate sleep regressions.
I love/hate work.
I love my baby.
I love our new pediatrician so far.
I love my daycare lady - who just gave me a pep talk over the phone last night and confirmed that yes indeed, E is a hard one to work but that it will get better. Her first was the same.

p.s. I love/hate that my baby is 15 pounds already! (Not quite 14 weeks)

Doctor visit

E doesn't have thrush thank goodness. But now I dislike his ped even more. On to meet a new one tonight.

According to the ped, the shrieking at night (that hasn't happened since month one), the constant wakings, and the biting etc could be from a number of things and are definitely not teething. It could be (according to her):
1. What I'm eating (suddenly just this week).
2. My daycare provider is being BAD and rocking or patting him too much when trying to help him sleep. (and of course it's not her doing more of that in reaction to this sudden change in behavior)
3. Developmental (I lean toward this or the teething)

The first 2 I think are complete bunk. According to her, I should have just been letting him cry it out since he was born. DONE with her. She was very negative and gave me the impression she didn't like his cloth diaper. So stupid.

E Here

Mommy and I actually HEARD the space shuttle going up this morning! It was the coolest thing ever! Mommy thought something awful was happening at first and then remembered. Too bad we didn't go outside.

Why were we up that early you ask? Well, I may have some pretty bad thrush in my mouth. Either that, or I'm teething, or both. It's not fun. But I still like to smile at Mommy and Daddy all the time.

Love

Baby boy woke up at 5am to nurse, then thought it would be fun to stay up. I laid my hand alongside his face and asked him why he wanted to get up so early. He curled his hand around my arm and gave me a big grin.

Judging

There's a girl at work who I thought I really liked. She's a bit harshly criticized me a few times throughout my pregnancy and now that I've come back. She does not want to have biological children, which is fine. But walking a mile in someone else's shoes is about the only thing that makes it ok to even THINK about hurting them with certain criticisms.

The other day I jokingly said, "You think I'M crazy but what about so and so?!" She said, "Yeah, she's crazier than you are for sure, but there's a long list below you that aren't as crazy as well." She did not seem to be joking, just as she hasn't been joking when she's given me "talking tos" before. Might I add that she is much younger than I am, and much less experienced?

It hurt my feelings a lot. It's one of those things that messed with my fragile confidence that is starting to slowly build. I want to not care, but it's so hard. Every part of me wants to make her understand. I know she wouldn't though.

Every part of our battle with infertility, depression, thyroid disease, anxiety and post partum issues has made me so much more empathetic and less judgmental to the larger world. It's hard to say though whether I appreciate the difficulties because of that or not. It seems pretty cushy to sit in an ivory tower like that and feel so smug about your own life. I just might prefer that to the awareness I have now if it brought the peace of mind this woman seems to have compared to me.

Posts I'll never write in bullet form

• Baby was very sick last night. It was scary. He seems better now.
• Jen's note on thrush has led me to question if I have it. How many times have people told me not to just deal with bfing pain, that there's probably something behind it? Especially since it just started about 2 weeks ago. I'm dumb. More later.
• We may have found 2 Dr's offices to interview. We're done with ours. We don't feel like partners in this endeavor at ALL. I'm also DONE with my insurance. We now have to appeal a $600 charge due to their screw ups.
• I've discovered that adoptive parents can be very high and mighty just like biological ones. It's annoying. I don't like it.
• People are almost worse with their asshatness about parenting than they were about IF. Or perhaps that's just because it's a lot harder to hide that you have a child than that you have IF.
• My confidence is slooowly coming back. I get knocked down pretty easily though.
• Sometimes I feel like a pariah pumping at work. People are so weird about breast milk.
• My baby will be THREE MONTHS OLD tomorrow! ACK!
  

Not Dead Yet

For me, having a baby and working full time is like having two full time jobs with mandatory overtime. Single parents deserve the biggest prize in the whole world.

The hormones don't help. But God is he cute.