How that sleep thing worked out for us...

Dear People Who Would Say I Was "Ruining" My Baby for Sleep:

We did what worked for our family. We followed our baby's lead and listened to his cues. We have never let him "cry it out." We let him "complain" once he was old enough to know the difference, but if he cries in distress, even if it's because he needs a hug, we go to him. We put him in the crib fast asleep if we needed to. It didn't seem to make a difference to how he awoke. I nursed him to sleep frequently until he was about 6 months old. I rocked him when he seemed to need it. We bed shared almost exclusively at night and often during the day for the first 4 months and then off and on for the next 2 or 3.

And guess what? That very same baby is now very well adjusted, happy and good natured. He falls asleep on his own almost every single nap and bed time. He let me know when rocking didn't work for him anymore in a pretty expressive way. We gave him opportunities to sleep in his crib and gave him lots of play time in there, and he also let us know pretty decidedly when he was ready to sleep there first for part of the night and then for all of it. He also naps 1-3 hours at a time without crying and usually sleeps 8 hours at a time, with another 3 to follow. He doesn't wake up crying. He wakes up talking and happy. We let him play for a little while before greeting him with smiles all around.

The main reason it was difficult with him in the beginning was because we felt like we were doing something "wrong" by bed sharing. We felt like we had to "train" him better. All the books said so! All our neighbors said so! Hell even our first doctor "said so." But it just didn't work. All those things we were "supposed" to do? They failed painfully. All those things we "shouldn't have done?" They worked beautifully. As long as we bed shared, nursed to sleep and comforted him, all was peaceful. Of course we tried to give him opportunities and help to transition to less dependent patterns, but we tried not to push too hard. And you know what? I liked it. Take that internet. I admit it. I LIKED sleeping with my baby. I liked easing his cries immediately. I liked rocking him with his warm body pressed to my chest. It made us both feel complete.

And now all is well. He has NONE of the lingering "bad habits" most of the books, people, internet sites, medical "experts" etc have said he would have. We must have done something right. And even if he did have lingering habits, is that because we did something horribly wrong? Probably not. Every baby is different, and we do what's right for our family. I'm not saying the way we did it is THE right way - far from it. I'm saying it was the right way for us. And a giant raspberry to anyone who thinks they have the tailor made answer for every child. We are living proof that it doesn't work that way.

Sincerely,
One happy and loving mother to a beautiful, perfect baby boy

Trying to be Better Prepared

Look at this! Two people who saved my sanity in the infant months teaming up to save my sanity later? I am all for it!

People Watching on a Sunday Morning

Okay, so it's Monday now, but at least it's only a day late! When I went out to the grocery store Monday morning, through a combination of luck and better observation skills due to my bright eyed state, I had the most interesting interactions and people watching I've had in a long time. I only spent a total of maybe 10 minutes in the store, but my time there went like this.

The water from our tap is disgusting. It tastes like chlorine and sulfur. Our house is also old. Therefore, we've decided that it's much safer and more tasty to just buy our water and be done with it. As luck would have it, our grocery store has a purified water dispenser where you can refill your jugs for just a fraction of the cost of buying regular bottled water. We have some of our most interesting conversations at this water cooler, and this Sunday was no exception.

As I stood there, waiting for the bottles to fill, I saw a man who had to be approaching 90 at the coffee machine. His trucker hat and vest were covered in pins, and he wore a large decorative necklace that looked to be some sort of gold bird. He noticed my glance and said , "Don't drink that stuff, you're gonna get drunk!"

I laughed politely and murmured something about that being a pretty cheap drink these days. After looking askance at me he said, "Are you under 40?"

I eyed him with confusion and said, "Yeeesss."

"Did I ask you that already?"

"Nope."

"I haven't asked you? Oh, ok. Well good then, you've had your small pox vaccination."

I was a bit confused but said, "Yes, that's a good thing."

He went on. "You know, I was responsible for eradicating small pox. I was the first scientist on the team. I spent time in Africa. I was in Nigeria... Lagos and in Ghana. (He muttered other places here I didn't catch.) My children were raised in Ghana and Nigeria. Then I went to Vietnam. I volunteered at 51. But I was so afraid that I took my wife along to protect me (chuckle). While we were there, she worked for the CIA."

At this point, he started walking by me slowly, but continued with me fitting in the correct wows, assertions and head nods.

"She left me 3 and a half years ago." By his body language and tone, I correctly interpreted "left" as "passed away."

He sighed and continued, "She was a good woman. She never complained. Even when she beat me, she never complained." He chuckled heartily at his joke. "We were married 67 years. I miss her."

I expressed my condolences and he shook himself to begin with a heartier tone, "I come here to walk the aisles! I walk every aisle! After my knee surgery and my second heart attack, I needed to walk. So I come here to walk the aisles."

I told him that was an excellent idea just as his attention was caught by a man probably in his 50's who was walking toward us. The older man called out merrily, "Hello young man! How are you?"
The younger man replied and struck up a conversation about the older man's necklace (apparently from Africa, just like the ones all his kids have) and engaged him even more. As I was turning to leave, I heard the older man say, "So how old are you?"

I don't know how much of his stories were true or exaggeration. I imagine some of it was exaggerated since one of the things I heard him tell the second man was that he was once the strongest man in Hawaii and benched pressed 1000 pounds. But that didn't matter. It was a wonderful conversation. He was a fascinating person, and it felt good to talk with a lonely, friendly old man about his life. I found myself wishing I had engaged him even more and asked more questions as I walked away, but I was in a hurry to get back to my baby. I thought to myself, "I want to know his whole story. I would love to write down his whole story." The writer in me was turned on in a way it hasn't been for months. I wish I had at least gotten his name...

____________________________________________

The people watching aspect of this story followed shortly after. As I was leaving, I saw a woman rush up to the cashier to buy a last minute thing. Her upper arms were so thin they were smaller than her elbows. Her thighs were so skinny they were smaller than her knees. She appeared fragile, shaky, delicate. She was pretty in a very sharp way. Her cheek bones were prominent, especially with her tight pony tail. I remember wondering about her appearance.

On her dash to the door, I saw her meet up with a man who appeared to be her significant other. She skidded to a stop as she noticed the large, grocer scale standing just inside the doorway and started to step up on it. The look in the man's eyes immediately turned desperate, and he tried to turn. She grabbed his arm and said, "Come on! I want to go home!" I thought it was an odd thing to say, but then wondered if she meant she couldn't go home until she weighed herself?

She got her way and stepped on the scale, and the man looked utterly defeated. I left before I heard anymore, but saw them making their way down the sidewalk as I pulled out. She was walking briskly, and he was trying to grab her grocery bag to carry it for her. She wouldn't let him take it entirely, so he held half of it, and they carried it together.

Again, I wondered about their story. Is she battling an eating disorder? Is he feeling like it will never end? His actions toward her, though desperate, seemed tender. Is she getting better or worse? Is it something else entirely? Will they get through it? It was sad but fascinating and a beautiful piece of human story in a way. Yup, the writer in me was out full force that day.

Bullets... again

• I apologize to Danifred. If I was capable of organization, this would be Friday Night Leftovers.
• After some pretty heavy stuff, I'm going to attempt to change my attitude and be upbeat more often. Stay tuned.
• In the same vein as the aforementioned, Hub and I are going to try to move toward Hub working from home with his own business, while I continue to work full time. ANY ADVICE WELCOME. So far we just have "saving lots of money in the savings account," as an agenda.
• Something that HELPS the aforementioned: I PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOAN THE OTHER DAY! WAHOO! That sucker has been an albatross around my neck for quite a while.
• I like the word "aforementioned." I don't even know if I'm using it correctly.
  
• E is really rather eh about solids. Is this normal?
• Fun interactions post coming later.
  
• The Amazing Race starts tonight!!
  

Oh What a Beautiful Morning.

I woke up feeling like myself this morning! It was damn good. We took a walk in the morning cool (ish) air. That was damn good until the sauna* washed in. We picked flowers, admired (and tried to eat) pretty red leaves and patted and loved on each other. That was the best.

I also had the most fascinating interactions and people watching experiences at the grocery store first thing this morning. Apparently Sunday mornings are a gold mine for interesting. And since I felt so much like myself, I came home and immediately wrote down all I could remember so I can write about it later. It's nap time now. Woot! Don't get all beside yourself with suspense. I know all 3 of you are shivering with excitement.

Loves,
FCiF

*Remind me sometime to tell you about the man who wanted to have an outdoor sauna put in the home he was building so that he could move to Florida. Yeeeaaah.

More on Co-Sleeping

This is some fascinating bed sharing and co-sleeping information from Dr. Sears. I was nodding my head as I recognized so many of the issues and thoughts he presents. I particularly liked how he mentions that they found out so many other couples had used bed sharing as well because I've found the same in my life. I wish "current" medical professionals could get past their generally intense bias against this practice and work together to find out how beneficial it could be, how it can be done safely and how to support parents who choose it. My current doctor does a wonderful job with this. I believe having 6 children has given him an insight not a lot of other people have.

Such a Better Day

I had a pretty bad couple of days this week. Then, in the middle of the day today it's like something just went "click!" in my brain, and it was better. I swear, hormones have to be playing a messy part in all this. It was literally that quick. In the span of a half an hour, I felt like laughing and joking, and I was confident to be myself again. No wallowing or sadness. One thing I did do differently today was that I tried to be very cautious about what I ate. I tried to act more like I would if I was on Metformin again. I remembered that my moods evened out a LOT on the Met, so I thought it was worth a try. Oh the confusion.

Can sugar highs and lows really do that to your body?

Love is...

...a warm comfy home where loved ones wait.

Sleepy, Sad, Snippy

Why do I react so very harshly to interrupted sleep? Why, oh why? I'm almost ready for my cycles to start up again. I need some progesterone in my system. Sigh.

Things That Make Me Go Hmmm...

It's funny to me that many of the books I've read and people I've talked to caution that you really should put the baby monitor away after a certain point, yet those same books and people remind you incessantly that SIDS is a constant danger and while it diminishes greatly after 6 months, it's still a possibility up to 2 years of age!*


*Wow. That's a long sentence.

Good Day and a Mini-Rant

We had a fabulous day today. My theory that more sleep would help me cope was borne out as I was much happier after a full stretch of 6 hours last night! Granted, much of the problem lies with me as I've started trying to do things on my own after he's gone to bed and sometimes take it too far. I really need to be in bed by 8:30 or 9pm to get enough sleep during the work week, but man, it's nice to get stuff done too!

Wow, do I digress. Anyway, we both had good sleep, plus we had a play date. We went to the library for E's very first story time with some other Mommies. He had a blast watching the other kids and flirting with an elderly library volunteer. It was adorable.

Next we met up at Chik Fil A where E grinned at everyone, I had a chicken sandwich, and we shared the fruit cup. Apples are just the bestest if you didn't know. E was so beside himself with excitement, he could hardly bring himself to drink his milk.

We stopped by our local Catholic Church (side rant at the end), before coming home for Mommy and Baby nap time. Then we played together until he let me know he was ready for bed at 7, and he actually nursed! I also had a good talk with a friend about some things that had been bothering me. It was a good day all around.


Rant: Can I just say that as a non-Catholic married to a Catholic that sometimes it's very hard not to be just a little frustrated with the way the Church works? I have done everything I can to not stand in the way of Hub's faith, to agree to attend Mass more than I've attended Protestant services, to have our marriage blessed and all that entails. It sometimes makes me feel unappreciated when it's just assumed everything we do has to be Catholic, as if my background doesn't matter. Having E baptised in the Church is proving to be more difficult than I ever imagined it should or could be. Shouldn't gaining a member (especially a baby) be a good thing? And inside, a part of me yearns to have him baptised in the manner I was, but that's not the agreement. Hub would be ok with it, but his family would not. My family is open thank goodness.

Disclaimer: I am not putting down the Catholic faith - merely expressing my frustrations.

Food Meme

I stole this from Oro at Birch and Maple who got it from the Very Good Taste Blog. I can never resist food fun. I didn't want to strike out ones I'd never consider though. I'm a rule breaker I am!
Disclaimer: Some of these things I don't eat anymore and some I HATE even though I've tasted them.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear (yum!)
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle (oh my PA Dutch heritage.. mmmmmmmm)
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine (Yum again. With a Canadian Hub, how could I have NOT had it?)
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky (the Filipino relatives would disown me otherwise. :)
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare (as in rabbit?? then rabbit yes, hare no. If it's something else, then no. :)
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Bits

• My baby has learned to choose which book he wants to read. Friggin adorable.
• Hub finally went to an allergy specialist! HURRAY! Turns out he's really allergic to lots of stuff. Who knew. :p
• Dear Starbucks - Please put more pumpkin and less coffee in your lattes. Thank you.
• I do believe being tired is a large part of my problem. Another large factor is that there was so much change in my life right when the huge change that was becoming a mother occurred. Now I feel a bit lost and without much of a nearby support system.
• Speaking of tired - E has decided to start waking up a lot at night again. bleh.
• E has started patting us a lot when he's happy. The other day he was patting around my head and face - patting quite excitedly. His finger when up my nostril. There was blood.
• Thank you for all the advice! Goodwill near rich people sounds perfect. All I've seen near me are ghetto ones... hmmm....
  

Thank You Hub

Thank you for...

• Refilling the hand soap all the time.
• Trying to replace and fix things around the house with a positive spirit.
• Lending a hand every time you see me embroiled in a hard task.
• Putting the food away after dinner so many times when I'm just beat and ignore it.
• Making sure the boys are taken care of.
• Loving that baby and me so well and making sure we know it.
• Doing most of your laundry.
• Straightening up sometimes.
• Keeping an eye on me and helping me keep track of important things like my keys and checkbook. (I notice that you put my keys in the right spot when I've forgotten. :)
• Basically just helping to keep my spirits up and my head screwed on right.
• Telling me what a good Mommy I am all the time and reinforcing E for loving on me.
  
• Writing me the sweetest note I've ever gotten from anyone.
  

I'm sure there are some I missed, but see, I do notice.

Love you,
B

When I was Normal

In an attempt to remember who I am and what is possible, I read through my "happy times" tag. It made me misty eyed for that confident girl who wrote well thought out posts. I want her back. Wouldn't it be wonderful to couple that attitude with this amazing new joy? That's why I'm in therapy.

This is a good representation of what I want to have again.

Birth

Mel had a post up recently talking about how John Le Carre compared writing a book to having a baby. I agree that it was a stupid statement.

However, what I want to share and have in my blog forever are her poignant words on how she actually felt birthing her children.

I had my heart literally explode to the outside of my body, as if she was pulling out my internal organs with her -- both figuratively and literally. I cried and screamed and the incessant worrying began -- never pausing even though she is now 6-years-old -- twisting my body to see her, to hear her Apgar scores, to fret about where she was in relation to my throbbing body, still prone on the table, waiting for her twin brother to join her.

YES Mel. Thank you for putting it into the words I could not.

Mothering and Daily Life Suggestions Please

1. For those of you who have a baby and work, but have very little in the way of non-work related friends and family around you, what do you do when the baby can't go to daycare for whatever reason? I'm currently stuck on the having to call in train.

2. When you can smell that your kiddo took a little poo during the night, do you wake them up to change them or just wait until they awaken?

3. Thrift store shopping pointers please? Not a lot of money can be spared for the new wardrobe I need. Though the poundage is back to normal, the shapage is not.

4. In the same vein - suggestions on good post baby jeans? I did buy a decent pair of Mossimo ones on clearance at Target for $8 (woot!), but they are more of a bought-them-because-of-the-price-and-they-actually-fit pair than a really good investment. Incidentally, I also bought a shirt for $2. Due to the aforementioned rearrangement of my fatty bits, I look like a middle aged woman trying to play sexy teenager in most of my old shirts.

5. For those of you who became stay at home or part-time working Moms... could you please tell me how you did it and managed? Our hugely looming problem by far is health care, so I'm particularly interested in those of you who bought your own policies etc.

First Words!

OK, so aside from the debatable Mum, Mama and Dada, E just said his first word! Remember that he loves the Elephant Song, and that the rooster is one of his favorite animals in it. Now picture us reading The Very Busy Spider. I'll have you know he chose that one specifically of the two I held up. (Thank you Auntie Jen!). He is helping to turn the pages as always and keeps going back to certain pages he loves. One of those pages has a rooster on it. It reads, "Cock a doodle doo! says the rooster. Want to catch a pesty fly?" I always say Cock a doodle doo in the same sing song, high pitched tone. Ewan started whispering, "Doooo, dooo!" in the same tone. I kept repeating myself. Soon he was saying, "Kuh doo dooooo, Kuh doo doooo!" The "kuh" was more of a breath with a k sound at the beginning, but the doooos were unmistakable.

It's completely friggin adorable. Who woulda thunk that Cock a doodle doo would be the first "word" going in his baby book.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

When you sprawl across my chest, your hot little cheek pressed to my collarbone, I feel whole. I am home. Your light is the brightest thing in my existence.

M

First Session

My first session went really well. Like everyone else, she is also in love with FavoriteOB. She is also a therapist who seems very competent. (Unlike non-Dr. B) I felt very comfortable with her, and I think this just might help. Just knowing that I have these sessions in my back pocket takes a big weight off my shoulders. We'll call her L from now on.

L started by getting to know me like I feel most anyone would. She asked lots of questions and inserted a few pearls of wisdom. She told me that this is very common and very treatable. She also asked if I had any family here (no), very many non-work friends nearby as support (no), or if it was possible for me to work part-time (no). These are all things I have imagined would help me greatly as well, so she gets points for getting the obvious. It's astounding sometimes how many people don't.

She also got points with me for pulling out a lot of the psychology stuff I remember from school and have used in my job. I know it's obvious she should know that stuff better than I do, but again, remember Non-Dr. B.

She has said we will do this in little steps. So far she's brought up what I've felt I had difficulty dealing with. She's concerned about my self-esteem and thinks I'm probably suffering from separation anxiety from E as part of the issues. She also figures I have an anxiety disorder partly genetic as my Mom suffers from great anxiety and partly situational. She says they pretty much usually just snowball, so it's good to get help younger like I am.

My homework right now is to stop asking "what if," and live in the now. It's also to ask myself if there is real evidence of the bad things I think of my situation and me. For example, "So and so might not respect me." Have they said they don't respect me? If not, then don't worry about it. However, I have had people tell me they respect that I juggle full time work and mothering. I have evidence of that respect, so I should focus on that as a truth.

She has counseled patience, with which I often struggle. It will take time, but I already feel like things are heading in the right direction.

No Nap!

An angry baby is currently yelling/fake crying at me that he would like to NOT NAP please. This is a new development. I blame Elizabeth for putting ideas into his little head.

PCOS - the syndrome full of surprises

See that? At first glance, you may think that's a photo of a man's male pattern baldness. But nope, that's my head. Notice the new little wispy hair growth though? That growth wasn't always there. I noticed it not long after I gave birth to E because I thought how funny it was that it resembled how his hair started to come back in after his first hair loss. At the time I just assumed it was regrowth of hair I lost post partum. But now upon further reflection I realize I never had hair there. I used to have such a bad widow's peak that I was embarrassed to pull my hair back and had to arrange my side bangs just so to cover the bald spot. I thought it was a genetic thing that I developed as an adult. Now I think that it's good old PCOS rearing her stupid bitch head again. I had read that women diagnosed with it sometimes had hair loss issues usually reserved for men due to wacky hormone levels, but never thought about it applying to me. I speculate that 9.5 months of pregnancy and 8 months of breast feeding have allowed my cysty, crusty ovaries to catch a break, thus reducing the level of androgens in my body, THUS allowing me to get a more decent hair line back!

Now I cry to think it's probably only short lived. Ah well. I'll just glory in it for now. Stupid effing syndrome.

The Way in Which I am NOT Alternative

I've been more nervous lately about the whole non-vaccination movement. The reason I've become more bothered is because I now know someone who has currently chosen the non-vaccination route with a 6 month old baby and may continue to travel that path. This someone wants our babies to be playmates. I used to think that could be fun, but now I'm not completely comfortable with E being around this child. Even though E is vaccinated, the schedule is not yet complete, so he is vulnerable to some diseases. Furthermore, as you probably know, vaccinations do not provide 100% immunity 100% of the time, but the system works brilliantly when everyone is vaccinated. I would just rather not chance E being exposed to any of the awful diseases one can contract even if his schedule was complete. I might reconsider somewhat if we were really close, but we have really different personalities and interests, and this is not the only matter in which we differ. I think even if I did decide to maintain play dates with her, this would bother me to the point that it would show in our interactions. How the Hell do I tell her all this though? Or do I just bite the bullet and avoid most of the time so that we are only around them once in a while?

The nice thing to know is that according to the CDC, approximately 99% of U.S. parents currently choose to vaccinate their children - delayed schedule or not. Please, please do your research if you are trying to make the decision about vaccinations. And if you don't trust Doctors and scientists, learn how scientific studies work and how to read them. I sometimes take having a science background for granted. It makes for a lot of piece of mind to be able to do my research and make decisions based on solid evidence. Or just ask grandparents who may have witnessed the devastation some of these diseases caused. It's a lot easier to make the decision not to vaccinate when you really don't think there's a chance your family could experience such a thing or you've never seen how awful it can be.

I Know my Baby Loves Me

Last night I was upset over yet again forgetting to do something very important at work. A coworker caught it thank goodness, but I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I was also just exhausted and feeling anxious and down in general. E obviously picked up on it. He was hanging on to his lovey (one of those little blanket pals) while Hub held him. As I talked to E, he pushed the lovey to my face and smiled. He did this not once, but three times. I thanked him and kissed him after each time.

I don't know if he was offering me his lovey in aid, if he was making the lovey kiss me like we do for him, or if he even knew what he was doing, but it was incredibly sweet. It was my happy thought throughout today.

I will probably see a therapist sometime next week. It feels very surreal to be saying that. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud and don't really need one. That's why I have to make the appointment quickly before I convince myself it's not important.

Getting Help

Today seemed so good, but then my faulty brain kicked in yet again, and it came crashing down around my ears. Tonight I called to be sure my insurance covered a therapist FavoriteOB recommended. They do. Tomorrow I'm calling to make an appointment with her. I've been trying to do it on my own for too long. I need help.

PPA Revisited

I've still been dealing with a lot of insecurity, anxiety and maybe even a touch of paranoia at work. I kept thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me, and perhaps I needed a counselor. Today though, I thought about how I feel pretty good at home. Then I realized that it's not really at home, it's when I'm with E. When I'm with E, I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I feel happy, confident and focused. I don't give a damn what other people think in the slightest.

When I'm away from him I feel lost. I feel scattered. I can't remember the dumbest things. I can't focus as well. I feel insecure and inept. My emotions swing from one end to the other. It's as if someone has stolen part of me.

Maybe this is the a-ha that should have slapped me in the face long ago, but I think I'm still suffering from separation anxiety with him. It's just that I tamped it down so well, I thought I was getting over it. Then when I didn't have a label for it, the anxiety bled all through the other aspects of life apart from my son. I didn't understand why I felt that way, so the situation snowballed. Co-workers who prey on the weak saw that and targeted me. I, in turn, became even more anxiety ridden. It was a vicious cycle.

Like I've experienced before with fertility treatment side effects, once I have a why for feeling this way, sometimes I can cope much more effectively. So I'm going to try this. Per my discussion with a certain helpful someone, I'm going to go a week or two trying to manage my emotions now that I know the probable cause. I'm going to remind myself that what matters is who I know I am, the love of my family and that I and my loved ones are happy. If I can manage pretty well without the horrible gut wrenching anxiety getting the best of me, then I will continue on that path. If not, I will call to see about a therapist. I've been this close to asking for anxiety medication so many times on this post partum journey, but I've dealt with it so far (and it IS much better than before), so let's see if I can work it out again. Hang in there with me won't you?

Cloth Diapers are Cute

A look at E's cloth dipeys hanging on that wonderful octopus I bought at Ikea. I can highly recommend it for this use.

Robin McKinley I Love You

Remember one of my favorite authors? She has a new book coming out. I need to read it.

ooooooh. Preeeetty.

Letters to Babybutt (8 mos)

Dear E,

Someday I'm going to have to stop calling you babybutt. You're getting big so fast! Or maybe you'll just let me call you that as a joke when no one else is around. hehe. Speaking of jokes, you make and see lots of funnies right now. Sneezes and farts (Will we be calling them "toots?" I have no idea.) are worth at least a smile if not a chuckle. Some of these body noises are so funny in fact that you fake them. You not only cough now, but you've heard Daddy sneeze so often that you've started pretending to sneeze. You've been doing it for quite a while, but I didn't make the connection until Daddy mentioned it, and I saw you copy him immediately following a real one of his own. It's flippin' adorable if I do say so myself.

Burping isn't so funny for you because you still tend to spit up a little when it happens. Something you've added to it though is a shiver. I call them burp shivers. It's cute to see the shiver wind its way from your head to your toes.

We've discovered that you seem to be not so much a physical baby as a vocal and fine motor skills one. You're not too interested in walking and crawling, though you are making "strides" (yes, Mommy's funny) in that direction. It amuses me greatly to see either your head or diapered butt pop up above the crib bumper and bobble all around before disappearing again. But your talking? Oh man is that taking off. You practice lots of different consonant sounds and appear to know what "Mama" means. A babysitter swears you said "hello." You've been shaking your head back and forth in what seems to be a "no," or "I don't want this" gesture. Books continue tol fascinate, and you manipulate them with ease now.

One of my favorite new things though is how you deliberately remove your socks. You've always been able to kick them off the minute we put them on you, but now you'll sit there jabbering away until you notice them on your feet. "Oh!! What is this??" your eyes say. Then you reach down, grab the toe, whip the sock off and hold it aloft with a wide, proud grin. I remember your surprised look the first time you managed it.

We often find your socks after a sleep placed just so.
Now if you could only realize that footed pjs can't be removed in the same fashion, much frustration could be avoided.

You really aren't often frustrated though. You are an easygoing, good natured baby. Well, you are that way with Mommy and Daddy at least. You still take a while to warm up to new people and new situations, but still exude love and sweetness like always. You are a sweet, lovey cuddle bug. Mornings are still our favorite cuddle time. You snuggle, kiss, coo and stroke. You spend more time gently running your fingers through my hair rather than pulling it. We can't believe what a lovey boy we have. And you still never seem to "lie" to us. You're very easy that way. If you're ready for sleep, you usually let us know and won't fight it if we put you in the crib. You very rarely want to be rocked anymore. You just fall asleep on your own! It's really amazing. You only cry when you really need us. Sometimes you complain a little, but there's a big difference between when we need to pick you up, and when you're just talking. It's really nice to have that! If you're comfortable, you sleep the whole night through. Even when you wake up hungry in the morning, you try to put yourself back to sleep for a while before Mommy realizes and feeds you. After eating, it's sleepy land pretty quickly again for baby.

And how do we feel about you right now? Well, we feel like time is speeding along. You're growing so quickly. But watching you develop is one of the most amazing things we've ever experienced. Every day there's something new in those big chocolate/golden eyes. And parenting you continues to be the most rewarding and important thing we've ever done or will do.
Love,
Mama

Here Goes Nothin

Here I go. I'm posting a photo... of me... of the baby. ACK!
I am well worn and not at all made up in this photo, and it wasn't the most well thought out moment, but it's still one of my favorites. Hub snapped it in our kitchen before running off to work closer to the end of my 9 week maternity leave. Baby and I had woken up not long before and were having a sleepy, lovey morning. I love how soft the light and our faces are. He's wearing pink because that's Elizabeth's sleep sack. He's a modern baby. Speaking of Elizabeth, we received the play silks that I won in Jen's contest in the mail today. They're beautiful! Photos coming probably in the next few days or so.

No One Likes Blogging About Blogging, But It's What I Got

I think I have writer's block. Work has been quite stressful. The lovey has been only sleeping well off and on, and I'm just tired. I have this burning need to write. I want to write, but every time I start in on one of my ideas, it fizzles here on the screen. bleh. I want to write about how I was taken aback at the fact that it's not only your life, but your reality that changes with becoming a parent. I want to write a bit about understanding cries and why don't they talk about that when discussing "cry it out." I hope to get to them. What I know is that I will get my act together in time to write my baby's 8th month letter. Eight months. Holy shit man.

No Rest for the Weary

My baby has a really awful digestive system. No poop again yesterday and lots of crying/belly trouble last night. No more stage 2 food combos for him. :( Poor baby.