Ramblings as usual

Very personal question coming up... Ever since I started ovulating on my own, the "girls" (the ones that men often talk at when they try to converse with you) get super sore and swollen from my ovulation date until AF. What the heck is that about?

OK, so I meant to only ask about that, but while writing this post, I'm also stuffing big chunks of the most salivary gland pleasing, juicy, sweet pineapple I've had the pleasure of eating in a long time. I simply have to share the joy. I hated pineapple when I was little because all I had eaten was canned. Then my Grandmother gave me my first bite of the straight-off-the-plant* stuff. Now it's one of my all-time favorites. Mangoes, especially the honey ones which are in season now, are right up there with it. Good thing I moved to Florida!

We bought the pineapple yesterday at a Farmer's Market that's going more green, organic and locally grown. As many of you probably know, many farmer's markets are just like the produce section of your grocery store in that they still order produce from Chile and the like to sell to you. Gone are the days when all markets were great places for local people to sell their wares. However, this market in particular is trying to change that, and I LOVE it. The people are so friendly, the food is mostly organic or hydroponic with no high fructose corn syrup or trans fats, and you're supporting the local economy.

It was a feast for the senses. The day was warm with a refreshing breeze, and there were samples galore. We tried amazing organic grapefruit and pineapple, delicious hydroponic and organic tomatoes (our other purchase), Asiago cheese sauce that was out of this world, and an actual real fruit sorbet that tasted like fruit and wasn't loaded with too sweet corn syrup! The last time I had that was about 7 years ago in Montreal. We will definitely be seeking out that store. There was so much more, but those were the highlights for me.

What a wonderful day with the Hub. Speaking of the Hub, I have a post brewing in my head about him, but I have to write it when the feeling hits me just right.

'Til then!
FCiF

*Yes it's a plant for all you tourists I hear pointing and shouting, "LOOK! Is that a pineapple tree?" If that were the case, I'd be in trouble all the time for stealing pineapples. ;-)

It's Dream Time Again

I dream vividly and often, and I usually remember them. Last night I dreamed that we attended one of the state system's adoption picnics where you can meet the children. We met 3 siblings that took to us immediately. There was a boy of about 5, a girl of about 3, and a baby boy under 1 year old. They were fair haired and blue eyed (very unlike either of us), and very sweet. I could even feel the baby's body in my arms and smell his baby powder.

I remember that we wanted to adopt these children but that we were very afraid of taking on three at once. We don't have a large house by any stretch of the imagination, nor a large budget. We also were just afraid that we wouldn't be able to do it. But in the end, we decided to foster them even though in reality in our State you either foster or adopt.

Then the time came to adopt them, but their mother would not sign away her rights to them. Then the little boy kept running away. It was awful, and I'm sure very indicative of all the angst I have surrounding adoption. A psychoanalyst would have a great time with my dreams.

Then again, I also dreamed later that we were on a plane that could cut through the fabric separating worlds and travel to different times and spaces. And I'm only giving you the TAME dream stories.

ETA: Just to give you an example of how these are TAME dreams... last night I dreamed that I started growing eyelids and eyelashes on my arm and chest. I had 3 in all. It was very eerie, gross and realistic. I could even mess with them. There were no eyes in them yet, but I could sense that was coming, and made immediate plans to see a doctor. How's THAT for too much imagination? I have a lot of nightmares too, which is why I avoid bad movies and sometimes books. And no, I did not watch the Langoliers, but I had just read a book about different worlds and moving through the fabric between them. ;)

Healthy Body, Healthy Outlook

I just wanted to point out that while we have not lost hope for a pregnancy for us, my happiness over ovulating isn't just for the "TTC" aspect. I am just so friggin' happy to be somewhat in the club, to be somewhat normal, and to feel like my body does what it's supposed to! I know it sounds crazy, but initially, it made me feel much less a woman to be deemed, "infertile." After all, infertile is really not so far from "barren" and all its negative implications right?

However, not ovulating at all made it much much worse. Not only could I not produce a successful pregnancy, but I couldn't even produce an egg without drugs that brought about a psychotic version of the Barb I knew. I felt like such a complete and utter biological failure as a woman. It kicked my ass. And before you poo poo that thought, note that it's completely normal to have these feelings. I'm aware they are not reasonable, but reason does not seem to enter into it.

Furthermore, not only did I fail at my biological imperative; I also felt like crap. I was anxious and jittery much of the time, absent minded (felt like I was getting dumber!) couldn't stop gaining weight, my hair and skin were in bad condition, and my periods were Hell...On....Earth every 3 months. Now, my eyebrows are full at the edges again, my hair is actually SILKY and GLOSSY, my skin is nicer, and I feel more at ease and can think more clearly.

No wonder I do not want to start treatments again. I feel so damn GOOD. Who would want to give that up for the poking, the emotional upheaval and the feeling that once again you have spent lots of money and time on something that seems as if it will never ever work.

So for now, thank God I am healthier. That doesn't mean I don't have my completely down days about infertility. But all the other decisions will come when I have completely reveled in the peace this brings.

p.s. Thank you all SO much for your support on the post about my Grandmother and my ovulation. It means very much to me.

Three Cheers

The fertility charting software I use is saying I ovulated on cycle day 20. Today is cycle day 24. As usual, my signs don't correspond, and I don't quite agree. I think it may be more like yesterday or the day before. I guess we'll find out when the luteal phase is over eh?

How great is it though that I finally get to speculate on the day on which I ovulated?? I can actually use the word CYCLE now when I discuss what my body does! Yes, it's still late, but it happens every time! WOO HOO!

Can I also say that the ole libido is much better when you are actually cycling? I'm enjoying that aspect to the hilt. I'm sure the Hub would agree.

Unsung Lullabies: The End

OK, somehow I got all mixed up and didn't post about Chapter 11, and now we're on Chapter 12 (the last one). So I'll just put in a blurb about the first and finish the second.

Chapter 11 discusses strategies on making the right decisions about what's next for you as a couple, and on coping with those decisions and any complications that may arise. I actually found it helpful as it goes through each possible outcome and talks about what each entails. I like that about this book. It's not just touchy-feely. It's also practical. One of my favorite quotes in Chapter 11 was this one, "Do keep in mind that everyone and their uncle will opine about what you should do next.... The classic line is: Just adopt, then you'll get pregnant. But the truth is that most who do adopt don't get pregnant, right away or ever." So IN YOUR FACE people who say that. ;-)

Chapter 12 is entitled: Parenting After Infertility: Singing your Lullabies at Last. It's hard for me to really get into the meat of this chapter since parenthood still seems like a fuzzy, unattainable dream for me. But it was helpful to think about what may happen someday. I will certainly re-read this for when we do become parents.

For this chapter, I want to just pinpoint a few highlights that I found helpful or interesting.

• Having a baby after infertility can help heal you. However, it's perfectly normal to experience anxiety, depression and many mixed emotions after the baby is born. You should NOT feel guilty about that.
• During a high-risk pregnancy, people often go into coping mode, just as they do with infertility. But remember that you will often experience your shock or grief after the danger has passed. So you may have even more to work through after the birth of your child.
• Try to lower those really high expectations you have for being the perfect parent, or having a fantasy life with your baby. I imagine we will all feel a little guilty for the emotional upheaval we would probably experience after becoming a parent since we feel we should "appreciate" our children more due to our struggles. We also may try to be more "perfect" at parenting since we feel we've "failed" so badly at the conception part. Try not to fall into that trap.
• Many men and women resist getting help for postpartum depression; especially after infertility. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Please look for the warning signs in books or on the internet so you are aware of when it's time to get help. This book itself has a list.
• The book also notes that we often store up our grief until the crisis has passed and that, "Only after you have a child can you comprehend and grieve the ordeal you've been through." It notes that you should refer back to Chapter 8 for help with dealing with these emotions.
• Your roles in life will change dramatically after a child. Be aware that the partner who did not experience the IF first hand may be playing the "supporting role," and be waiting to "get you back" after the IF is over. They may be waiting for things to return to "normal." But after a baby, your focus will change again to be more on the child. Thus, your partner may feel frustrated and think that he or she doesn't matter anymore.
• On the good side, you may finally feel like you are a "member of the club," and that people take you seriously again. Your relationship with relatives who are parents may finally flourish in that way.
• "What if you want another baby?" Oh boy, that's a doozy because you know it's just going to start all.over.again.
• This chapter also discusses unused embryos and what you might want to tell your child. Personally, I'm afraid I would make my child completely paranoid about being infertile. Hubs will have to watch me with that one, especially since as your child grows, you will continue to work through the trauma you experienced.
• And finally, I love the last note. The authors say, "Infertility is something never chosen, but it makes us take stock of our lives in profound and unexpected ways." A-MEN

Loss

Warning: The following is a deeply personal (my own fears) and depressing post.

We just visited my Grandmother this weekend. It's hard to see her so sad and tired. She's in her eighties but generally has the energy and charisma of someone much younger. Being without Grandfather though.... that seems to sap her strength. What's especially hard is it seems like I can't do much to lift her spirits anymore. I know we're important to her, and that she loves us, but that's not enough to help lift the cloud she's in.

I walked around her house touching photos of Grandfather alone, or of them together. It's so hard for me. I can't begin to imagine how wrenching it is for her. It makes my thoughts go to horrible places. I'm too empathetic by far for my own good. I think of all their happy times, and their young love for each other and how they probably pushed the thought of what's happened now to the backs of their minds and enjoyed their lives as we do, as we all have to do to be happy. And then I think of how she probably longs for that feeling again; the feeling that it's all ahead of you, and your partner is right there to help you through it. It's difficult not to let those thoughts take you to dark, depressing places about your own life or life in general. It's enough to make my heart thud against my ribs and my breath come a little faster. When that happens, I grab the Hub like a lifeline.

I hope she knows that I get it. I may not understand the depth or complexity of her feelings, but I do get it. I want her to know that I love her so much, and that I'm there for her if ever she needs anything. I just don't quite know how to convey the depth of that dedication.

_________________________________________

*I wanted you to know that we did enjoy each other's company. It wasn't all gloom and doom. We attended church with Grandmother. We then had a scrum-dilly-umptious lunch at Carraba's, followed by a nice chat. On the way home, we stopped at a park on the water and saw lots of cool birds. Even on the drive, we saw all kinds of hawks, a caracara, shrikes and meadowlarks. I loved that.

Knitting SOS!

Knitters out there... please help me. Forgive me for using my blog as a plea for assistance, but my mitten was pretty much a disaster. I messed up the decreases in the top and left holes. Some questions I have about that:

1. Does anyone else have problems with decreasing by knitting 2 together in that it gets too tight to knit well? It is SO unpleasant.

2. When it gives you a number to knit and k2t (say, k4 and then k2 together for 3 rows), if you get to the end of one of the dpns, and there is one stitch, but you are supposed to k2t, do you try to knit the one left on that needle AND the one on the next dpn together? Is that possible? Or did I just mess up the decreases that badly and that shouldn't have happened?

And on knitting in the round:

1. I understand how NOT to knit the main part of the mitten inside out (DUH me), but how do I keep from knitting the THUMB inside out? I thought I had it figured out, turned the mitten rightside out to try the thumb just for practice, and made it inside out again! (regular stockinette in the round). Was that just b/c I had already messed up the body of the mitten and shouldn't have turned it rightside out to do the thumb? AAAAAAAARrrrrrrrgh.

2. Any good tips on keeping the dpns close together so they don't leave a pulled apart look i the final mitten where they met?

One last request. Does anyone have any good very beginner recommendations for free mitten patterns (in the round) with good instructions? I picked one, but it seems to make HUGE mittens, requiring me to modify, and for now I think I just need to focus on getting it RIGHT.

Thanks so much in advance. We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging:
So much for the hope that ovulation would jump up 10 days again. CD19 - no sign. I missed it by a long shot. Any bit earlier than last month (CD24ish) would be welcome now.

Announcement

A dear friend who often chided me for being down about trying for "only 2 years," and who was married 4 years after we were, just had a baby girl. What a horrible/wonderful swarm of love, envy, good will and bitterness these things are.

Left is the New Right

I have found yet another political writer that I can read without snoring into my chest. Nor do I read it in wonder at the ability of people in the political realm to use shorthand and jargon that I will never understand. Hallelujah!

Those of you who know me well have long known my desire to understand the world around me and to help our country be better... always better. That desire has only intensified with my interest in becoming a mother; so much so that I am constantly scanning book shelves and blogs for reading that helps me understand how things went so wrong, and what I can do to help. When Hubs got books by Robert Reich from the library, my interest was piqued. I picked up one of them and can't seem to put it down. He is one of those rare (lately anyway) voices who seems open to listening to all sides, is against radical thinking to the right OR the left, and genuinely seems to have good ideas on how we can get a toe hold in this windstorm of recession, political dissent, and a foreign policy in shambles. He also explains very well the history of how things have come to pass and what exactly liberal is supposed to mean and what exactly conservative is supposed to mean. The radical conservatives of today in no way resemble the courteous, cautious conservatives of the past no more than the extremely left leaning liberals of the 60's typify the liberals who helped to accomplish better rights for blue collar workers or who founded this country on the idea that we shouldn't have a wealthy ruling class.

Then I found that he has a blog! You can bet I'll be reading faithfully. If you're interested, check it out here: Robert Reich's Blog
(NOTE: His books are much easier reading than his blog)

If you don't agree with my points, maybe this will sway you. Look what I can do*: इ कैन नो राइट इन हिन्दी.

*In the spirit of a scene from the Emperor's New Groove

Fess up!

I would like to officially join "fess up" week. Check out the Stirrup Queen's idea, and then leave your comments! I welcome the comments on any post. Would love to see you all.

Comes on sweet with a bitter finish

I think this weekend is going to turn out to be a really good one. (by the way, when I say "weekend," I mean my weekend, which constitutes days other than sat/sun) Yesterday dawned gloomy and cold for Florida, but we headed to Starbucks later in the afternoon to meet with K&K from the Wielecki Twins. You may remember them as the "normal couple" with whom we enjoyed conversing at the peer support group quite a while back. It was just as delightful to meet with them this time. They are both so well versed on such a variety of subjects and have done lots of interesting things. They are also both friendly and fabulous at drawing people into conversation. How do you DO that? I need to work on that a little instead of my normal rambling. And I must say that the expectant mother is looking quite radiant. It's very cliche, I know, but it's just the truth. :)

So I guess instead of having the regular support group that Mel suggested a while back, I'll just be meeting the infertiles (or should I say subfertiles?) in Florida one by one. That's cool.

On top of all that, I'm getting much better at this knitting with 4 needles thing. I think the pattern I'm using is going to make a rather huge mitten, but that's ok. It's my first time right? I still can't show you the other two projects at which I've been toiling away. I can't wait though!!

Tonight I head out for a girls' get together. I can't even tell you how nice that's going to be again. I can't believe it has taken me this long to start living life to the fullest again. Scratch that. I guess I can believe it since infertility has hit me so hard. Ah well. We're making it.

So I'm pretty happy despite the backsliding I've been so mysteriously referring to lately. Mysterious is sexy remember? I have to make me interesting somehow. I'm still not going to go into detail in this post, but basically, I've had an incredible resurgence in the desire to give birth to a child. I just can't seem to shake it. I guess if someone told me it was completely hopeless, I could then move on to adoption without these nagging feelings pulling me back. However, I started ovulating, and despite the fact that I know it's probably a slim chance it gave me hope. So now I've been struggling with that whole cycle again. I guess it never really will end. But damn it, we just want to have a baby!! Why is that so EFFING hard?

I have returned

Hey all! We're back from our trip! There were a few tense moments involving discussion of babies/have we seen a doctor/why don't we have any/why don't we try this or that. However, I am proud to say that thanks to some growth from working through this stuff, I was able to handle the questions with minimal angst and convey that there was no need to offer information on all the things we may try since we are much more well versed than you are thankyouverymuch. So after a bit of probing and my quite well thought out responses (if I do say so myself), they pretty much left me alone about it. My favorite moment came when someone asked about babies at the dinner table. Hub's more sensitive Aunt must have noticed the look on my face and deduced that there were problems immediately because she jumped right in there with a quip about how Hub must not have the goods. ;-} It's well known that Hub can handle this stuff better than I can... or at least he hides it better. She gave me a look, and I told her how refreshing it was for someone to assume it was HIS fault since all of his family has constantly acted like I just must not be giving it up enough or something. And that was the end of that!

It was very nice to see our nephew too. He is freakin' ADORABLE. It does sting a bit though that he was an "accident," and here he is, almost 2 and we're still waiting on our "planned" pregnancy. Lots and lots of thoughts to come on the whole pregnancy bit. I don't know if I've taken steps backward like Unsung Lullabies suggests will happen, or if I've just realized my own truth. More on that later.

For now, 2 things that made me very happy were seeing an Anna's Hummingbird (we only have ruby throateds in the east) and getting a shot of the Grand Canyon from the plane. I've only seen it twice, both times from the air, but I didn't get a photo last time.

TTFN

I haven't even left yet, and I already have blog withdrawal. ;-)

I'm moody, and hot, and anxious. Lots of things are bubbling in my brain since I seem to have had an "I'm dealing with it" set-back.

On the good side, some awesome things seem to be happening to some of my bloggy friends for once. What a relief! (see Plump & Baby Steps to Baby Shoes)

In knitting news, I've started mittens on double pointed needles (my first time)... MITTENS! Can you believe it? More when I get back. "Til then, be good!

New idea

If you saw my other post. I'm a dip. Just check this out for now...

U.T.E.R.U.S

Obligatory Update

The cramps are finally easing, but I'm just kinda here. I'm trying to get up the oomph to run errands and clean. Let's see how that goes shall we?

I just wanted to update even though I don't have lots to say. Hub and I are heading out for a family trip this weekend, so posts and comments will be quite spotty for about a week. Wish me luck with all the tummy patting and baby wondering. Some of them know, so hopefully they passed it around on the down-low, and I won't have to hear it. (wishful thinking huh?) I am quite happy to get some time off work though.

Something I am quite excited about is that we just booked our first trip ever to Europe! We have family and friends we've been meaning to visit there forever. We really wanted to go this year for personal reasons, and I found the lowest price flight I've seen in years! I could hardly believe it. So that overtime? Not over yet baby.

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Please feel free to share your happy times in Europe (or your dreams of where you'd like to go) with me in the comments.