I Should Be a Grandma With All This Talk

I found a new general practitioner recommended to me by a coworker. She is nothing short of amazing. She completely trusts my word! She's actually a Nurse Practitioner and goes to bat for me like no one else ever has as a GP. I finally kicked Dr. HolierThanThou (who knew next to nothing about most of my issues) to the curb and went to see the NP about my worsening joint pain and suddenly rising triglycerides along with my ever crappy cholesterol issues. My triglycerides had come down from that 500 reading after going on Metformin, but they've still hovered in the 200's most of the time.

The run-down:
She ran a lot of tests. The basic finding is that my lipid bloodwork heavily suggests metabolic syndrome, aka insulin resistance. Big surprise there. We all know that having PCOS is a very strong indicator that IR might be going on. The suggestion there is that my HDL should be higher than usually suggested and that my LDL lower. Of course this is never even close to being the case no matter what I do. They also found that my LDL size pattern itself is even crappy and indicative of a genetically passed on heart disease. The best pattern to have is A; the large buoyant, "fluffy" kind that doesn't gunk up your arteries as much. Next most desirable is a combo of A/B. Least desirable is mostly B; the small, dense kind that clogs you up. Can you guess where I fall? Yeah. Firmly in the B category. Even my HDL breakdown isn't where they'd like to see it. Sigh.

And on the joint pain - no indicators of rheumatoid arthritis, but she strongly suspects some sort of arthritic changes going on in my body and would like to do x-rays at some point to possibly even start me on therapy to strengthen muscles around the joints so I can stay pain free (ish) longer. 

She thinks the crashes I've been having after running have to do with insulin issues. She gave me ideas for making that easier. 

She heavily suggested fenofibrate. My cholesterol has been wacky since I've had it monitored from age 23. Triglycerides have been going on 2 years. Nothing I've done has put me firmly in the "good" category. She and I are afraid I'm heading down my familial path: heart attack for Dad at 48. Marathon running uncle with triglycerides in the 1000's. Grandfather with a heart attack. Grandma with 10 brothers and sisters and of the 11, only 2 lived past 65. Almost all died of massive heart attacks.. most of them after having multiple ones before and/or bypass surgery. Grandma herself started having them in her late 40's, and I think had 6 total? She died of one in our living room at age 60. 

People have mocked me for worrying about this. "You're only 25! You're only 30! You're only 35!" "You're so active! You're thin! You eat so well!" Well you know what? Heart disease doesn't give a shit just like cancer and infertility don't give a shit. I've seen a deadly massive heart attack. It's not pretty. It's not a going gently into that good night. I don't want to experience a heart attack ever let alone a massive one. I want to be around for possible grandchildren. I want to get gray to match Hub (dig.. he's gray, I'm not. ;-) 

I'm going on the fenofibrate and continuing to eat things like quinoa, bean sprouts, salmon and avocado regularly. I will redouble my efforts to exercise and build lean muscle. I haven't been the best about muscle building since my job has done a lot of it for me, but now I need to. I suspect my blog will continue to chronicle these efforts. It's been slowly changing since I've had E, but I think I need to make a more official change from infertility blog to lifestyle blog about someone dealing with the fallout of PCOS, thyroid disease, insulin resistance and heart issues. Please wish me lots of luck. And any of you taking fenofibrate or dealing with this same stuff, pipe up and let me know how it's going. We all know how much better not being the only one feels. I can't be the only 35 year old in this spot right?

Tired. What else is new?

I have started posts/photos about my new batch of hard candy, trying a new card service and various other adventures, but it hasn't gotten done. I've been just so tired. I haven't even been commenting much on Jen's posts. You KNOW something's wrong now right?

Ever since we got back from our home trip, I have been completely wiped. I chalked it up to travel fatigue, and then not eating right, and then not sleeping well, but nothing I do is making it any better. So today, only 2 mos after my last Endo visit, I called them and asked them to check my thyroid. We were going for a year between checks this time. Sigh. The change in seasons generally does screw with it though. I really hate this. Can't it just be stable?

Big Day

Today I'm like one of those people on a Dateline special. Today I head downtown for a meeting sponsored by (one of my) mortgage companies to learn about possibilities of adjusting our mortgage. We received an invitation in the mail along with instructions on what to bring. I'm hoping that, like the special said, meeting in person with them will be far more effective than my hours on the phone being transferred from person to person. I know people often think we're idiots for being fooled into a balloon loan at 9.5% for our down payment part of the mortgage. But I'm here to tell you that it was pretty darn easy for a broker to pull a bait and switch that was supremely difficult to pull out of... especially for new home buyers with no lawyer (upon recommendation from trusted individuals). 


In any case, let's hope something good comes of it! In addition, I head to Endo today to see where we are. After 3 months of normal cycles, my body has fallen back off the wagon. I will also see how my blood lipid levels are going. I'm a tad afeared because I was horrible with my eating right before the draw. And when I say I'm ashamed of that, it's only because I know my body can't handle it, yet I do it anyway. My body can't handle much more than a smidgen of cheating, but I so love food. 


Lots of luck needed today! Send some my way!

Good News Bad News

Good news: I am already seeing a difference in my skin and energy level from a week of Synthroid increase. Thank God that works so well for me. So many other Hashi's sufferers aren't so lucky.

Bad news: E has croup, and it sucks. He's watching entirely too much tv and snuggling a lot because it's the only thing he feels good doing. My increase in energy has come at just the right time.

Endocrine Excitement

In the past two weeks, I've had blood work and my annual thyroid ultrasound. Today I visited my Endo for the results. It looks like I was right and all that fatigue, dry skin, cold and achy joints really do mean I need an increase in my levothyroxine (aka Synthroid). Much as we are equal parts happy and devastated when we receive an IF diagnosis, I'm relieved (and actually not devastated at all) that my blood work came back the way it did. It means that I have an answer this time, as I increase my dose I can look forward to feeling better, and it's nothing more scary than that.

The ultrasound is always a tiny bit of a nail biter because there's always the chance I'll develop more nodules, the nodules I have will grow, or that I can live up to the stats that I have a bigger chance of developing thyroid cancer. Luckily at this time my one previous nodule has not grown any appreciable amount, and the one new one I have is still teensy.

On the PCOS front, all of my blood work looks really good, and I got my period yet again this cycle! Thank you E for giving me a respite from that crap. My cycles are pretty consistently falling in the 45 to 50 day long range, and that's the best they've been without any medication in at least 10 years! And even MORE awesome is the fact that I can't even tell I used to have a severe widow's peak anymore. The hair has grown in so much there that I have to figure new ways to work it. Methinks it's time for another visit to the hair salon. Oh happy day! I take these little health challenges one victory at a time.

Funny Strange

It's funny. I had my regular thyroid ultrasound today, and the machines, techs and facility only brought back warm, happy memories of seeing my sweetest. Only when I consciously thought about it did I realize that there were no negative associations from my many many acquaintances with the wand for follicle screenings, womb lining checks and no baby verifications.

My life has changed so much since the bitter IF days. That's one of our reasons for not having another biological child. I like the change. And now I at least get it a little why people think you should, "Just get over it." It's easier to think that way when you are in a happy place in life. I will never forget where I've been though.

All About Moi

I have to say that I've been feeling damn good. My hormones seem fairly stable. I've been getting decent sleep. My work situation has improved drastically after getting away from the person we've discussed before. Hub is not overly busy, and we've been connecting well, and I've finally been able to put my acquaintances and friends in their properly labeled little categories in my brain. This reduces MUCH stress for me. I'm also finding the physical me again! I have energy, and I'm learning that I'm really not a lazy slug. It was just pregnancy and new motherhood that did that to me. I really did and do like being active. I just tire more quickly than the average bear per the usual.

What's more, I'm even finding my interests and hobbies again. Tomorrow I go to talk with a woman who will be my new riding instructor! I am over the moon about this. Riding is therapy for me. It's the only thing I've ever done (other than birth, and that's not something I want to do regularly) where I could focus completely on the task at hand. It clears my mind, it strengthens my body, and it feeds my soul. I rode regularly when we lived up north, but it's expensive and hard to find a good instructor down here. Oh I so can't wait.

Today I had an added bonus surprise. I was reading My Life After Loss and noticed that she had been mentioned on a nursing blog as an excellent blog for infertility support. Now, I like knowing famous people. It gives me a thrill to see their names or blogs on lists, so I clicked over to see hers and to see if I knew anyone else there. Well if I didn't get the shock of all shocks. My blog was listed there as well! The only thing is that I'm listed under IVF, and we have never done IVF. E was also not conceived with any ARTs at all. In my case, my body seems to have difficulty with the delicate balance that is our endocrine system and doesn't respond in very positive way to all those drugs. I ended up (with a large dose of luck) conceiving him after balancing my body. My thyroid was in check with Synthroid, and my PCOS was in check with Metformin. Though don't get me wrong. We did our fair share of Clomid and Femara rounds, procedures, alternative therapies and IUIs.

On a side note; what does it say about me that after the first thrill, my second feeling was guilt that I haven't been writing as well or as often as I used to? Oh those therapy sessions only go so far my friend. I do believe I'll always be battling some of that self esteem crap. My third thought though was, "Whoa. Someone else listed me as having a son. Awesome."

Go check it out! You may even be on the list!

Collection of Thoughts - Want to Weigh In?

I had a lot of random things I wanted to blog about and share today.

• Had my endo appointment. TSH is actually almost in HYPER range. Might be why I've been feeling so all over the place. We're changing the dosage just a tad and will check again in 2 months. My sugars are climbing, but still under what they used to be. No Met until finished with breast feeding.
  
• This baby has become a calm, confident, patient boy. We love it! At least he's like that with us. Others don't get that so much.
• Have you ever talked to someone who is just too ignorant to have a conversation with? I don't mean to be unkind. And I don't mean ignorant in the rude sense. I just mean that you try to converse and they misunderstand everything you say on top of feeding you lines of bull that you recognize as such. There was a seemingly unhappy young woman in the waiting room today just like that. She was completely undereducated about her condition and about babies. Apparently though, since she has the same disease I do and a baby about mine's age, that gives her the right to give me all sorts of unsolicited advice. Note that she struck up the conversation with me.
• On the other hand, there was an amazing older woman in the same room who mentioned how quiet E is. When I told her it wasn't always that way, she gently inquired and we shared how both of our sons were quite unhappy and screamy in the beginning. She was so understanding and wonderful. We bonded over how people judge you on that instantly.
• What's the point of having a hands free set for your cell phone if you talk with your hands while driving anyway?
• SHAME on you lady who ambled by me while I was juggling the baby, the car seat and the diaper bag and then proceeded to wait for me to push the handicap button on the door so that YOU could trundle through it after me without pushing your own door. Ridiculous.
• THANK YOU 4 kind people who helped me out with doors, juggling etc today. The imbalance here is heartening.
  
• E has been eating much less often and much less amount wise at a time. I noticed that my milk seems a lot more fatty and thick smelling than it used to be. It used to be stickier, sweeter and thinner. I'm wondering if it's changed so that he needs less and it's better for him at this age. It's so friggin amazing. Daycare lady still wants him to chug a lug though. It's kinda annoying, but we like her so we'll deal.
• This lead to wondering if that's why formula babies often go to rice in their formula around this age. Since formula doesn't change like breast milk, maybe you need the extra calories for their changing bodies. Anyone have any insight? Intriguing thought no?
• I've been feeling inexplicably lonely sometimes. I think it's because I'm still figuring out the new me and figuring out where I fit in with friends. There's also the little point of finding out who my real friends really are. Aren't we always doing that?
• And finally, THANK YOU blogging world. There are so many of you who have been so kind to me even when I'm not commenting much. I heart you.
• Wait... one more. I LOVE THIS BABY WITH MY WHOLE HEART.
  

Me

I'm starting to get my confidence back and have more good days than bad. My longing for more time with the baby and to take care of my house has not abated in the slightest. However, part time seems a distant chance due to the fact that I have to provide the medical coverage for the two of us.

The bummer is that I feel the problems starting again - highs and lows, weariness, sugar causing issues.. I see Endo next week, so we'll see what's up. I see Met in my future again. But that's ok if it means I'll be physically more capable for E. I suspect it's mainly that and not so much the thyroid.

I'm also a very changed woman. I want to be kinder, better. My priorities have shifted a good deal, and not all my friends understand, so I'm a bit lonely. I miss Jen.

Hub and I are connected in a better, stronger way somehow. We're a good team. I'm eager to get a little more alone time with him when my Mom visits though. It's hard to nurture your relationship when this one needs so much. But it's worth it.

post script

Re-reading my post and thinking about all my symptoms, thyroid jumps out at me. I do believe it's time to call Endo.

But Everyone Else is Doing it!

So yeah.. I usually won't follow trends just to be a butthead, but I really like summing up this whole decade of my life in little blurbs thing like I've seen a bunch of other bloggers do. Thanks for letting me steal your ideas!

2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)

End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.

October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.

November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)

2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)

Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.

Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.

2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)

2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.

2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.

Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.

October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.

2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.

I grow even more professionally.

2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.

March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.

May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.

Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.

I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.

At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.

The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.

Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.

2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.

August - We close on our first house!

I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.

October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.

November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.

December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.

2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?

I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.

I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .

Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.

August - Our five year wedding anniversary!

December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.

2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!

January - I begin class and love it!

March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.

May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.

I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.

And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.

Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!

Yet Another Doctor Visit

I got to see my favorite Endo today! My obgyn had hinted that he would take care of my tsh monitoring from now on, but nope. I'm not giving up my endo. I trust her endlessly, and she has never let me down on my health. She knows my endocrinology history and needs way better than any other doctor I currently have. Plus, this is what she does. It's her specialty. I do not want her left out of the loop on my Hashi's or PCOS. No way.

Neutral news: tsh is climbing slightly again, so 100mcg of Synthroid here we come! Thank God for you, you wonderful little pill. Knowing that I've bought quite a few bottles of Synthroid now that I haven't been able to finish due to increases, the nurse gave me several sample packets. I was so pleased because it was getting old buying new bottles all the time.

Good news: my glucose was down to 78! If you recall, last time it was measured was right before I got pregnant, and it was 88. Before that, it never dropped below 97. (over 99 is considered high) Thank God for Metformin again!

Now I shall prepare for my regularly scheduled after lunch nap.

Time to lose the security blanket

The time is swiftly approaching when I will no longer be able to take the Metformin (glucophage) or the progesterone suppositories. To be quite honest, I won't miss the suppositories at all. I don't think I really needed them all that much in the first place, and they just add to the side effects. The Metformin however, it is my savior. That little... scratch that... horse pill balanced my crazy body. It made everything work more smoothly from my cholesterol stabilizing abilities to my insulin regulation to my ovulation. It helped balance my moods, my fatigue and my life. It helped us achieve the greatest goal we ever set out to achieve.

On top of that - taking Metformin makes a PCOSer like me feel almost normal when pregnant. Statistics show that it reduces your risk of miscarriage to almost that of a regular person! I am so not used to being a regular person! I know, I know - it would probably do more harm than good to keep taking it past the 12 week mark, and that's why they stop it. But I've attached such a superstitious feeling with this drug that it makes everything all better and won't let anything bad happen. It's the equivalent to my little blue blanky with the satin trim that I still have stuffed in my closet - just in case.

But I can deal. I can trust the critter's ability to survive. I can trust my body to do its job with enough panache to deliver me a healthy baby. Sure I can. However, there's also the anxiety about going off this drug that has made me healthy. Of course I'm going to need to go back on it when it's safe to do so. I just never want to live that other unhealthy life again. It seems like a nightmare. So hopefully it won't feel like a nightmare until I can restart it. But you know what else is a nightmare? ADJUSTING TO METFORMIN. And now I'm going to have to do that process all over again - and just when I got salads back! It's enough to make any sane girl swoon. It's definitely all incredibly worth it. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to have nail chewing anxiety over the process. At least the Synthroid will stay. God bless Synthroid.

Freebies

TSH is up, so Synthroid got bumped up too. It's expected.

While I sit here trying not to yack, I thought I'd let you all know that I have some pre-natal vitamin samples that I'd like to see go to good use. My beloved Doctor practically gave me a bucket of them on my first visit, and I don't really like the two brands that are left. It's a total of 4 packets, 2 different brands - PreferaB and Gesticare. First person who leaves a comment saying they want them can have them... or one of them, or whatever you want.

Ta Da!

I have returned from my endo appointment. My cholesterol is down BELOW WHAT IT SHOULD BE for the first time in years! My HDL is still just one point shy of preferred, but that's the closest it has been to good as well! My TSH was an amazing 1.09. My glucose is still a little high, but down about 2 points. Endo was surprised it hadn't gone down more. Iron is a smidgen low, but nothing to be alarmed about. In short, I'm the healthiest I've been (blood draw wise) for years!

This just all serves to support our decision to start treatments again. Today I made an appointment to head to the RE in may. My old RE is no longer there, so I will be seeing someone new. Wish me luck with that! DearNurse is still there though. That makes me very happy.

What also makes me happy is ovulation. It was on cycle day 31, but that's still 6 days earlier than last cycle. My fertility signs were also the best they've been in a very long time for ovulating on my own. It was all exactly as it should be, which made me happy. Yay body! (It doesn't get to hear that very often.)

And last but definitely not least, Jen gave me a camera cable, so I can post all those photos I've been hanging on to! Get ready. ;-)

Wonky

So here I sit - 5 hours after I went to bed - unable to sleep, crampy, anxious and with my heart racing. What the hell is going on? Let me give the background. I've been having crazy mood swings, been weepy one minute, elated the next, sleepy the next minute, hyper another. I lost a couple more pounds. That's not something I should be doing. I thought I had finally stabilized with the weight thing. My temperatures have been nice and even, though a little higher than normal.

Last night, I hit a mood swing/depression high reminiscent of the Clomid days. Then I started to get crampy and had a little bleeding. Was I getting my period? Who knows! This morning, my pulse is at 100 beats per minute, and I feel like I should run six times around the house. I'm hot, but not sweaty. I'm still crampy, but I have a nervous, crazy energy and my eyes feel peeled open.

Is this what it feels like when your thyroid decides to sputter to life unexpectedly? Many of these things also happen right before I get my period.... which would also be weird considering my temp is UP, and it's way early with no ovulation. Perhaps I should call my doctor eh?

Brain... in... over..load... - Better now

I finished my homework that was assigned from last week! WOO HOO! My brain hurts a bit, but it's ok. I think I'll be fine. I also got to hang with some of my girl posse this weekend. That's a welcome break. Now I need to do some extra work stuff, work on two presentations that are due on Thursday, prepare for some interviews and clean the house before visitors arrive Friday! Piece of cake right?

For your educational edification: This month is National Thyroid Awareness Month. Far too few women are treated the correct way for their thyroid problems. I was one of those women for 6 years, and my Mom was one of them for 10. There is way too much occurrence and information on this disease for that to be the case. If you think you may have a thyroid problem, educate yourself. It's not just looking for a throat lump like some doctors would have you think. Then be your best health proponent. The doctors had me thinking I was crazy for 6 years, and after a while I gave up. FINALLY, I got the right info and managed to find a doctor willing to listen. I can't even tell you how much better my life became after that. It not only affects your health, but your fertility as well.

And in huge news, it's inauguration day! I'm very excited to hear the speech. I'm slightly jealous of relatives near DC, though I don't think I would ever brave the throngs to head there. Best wishes all.

A Conundrum - Your two cents

When I first began fertility treatments, I was intrigued by Chinese medicine - mostly because I hated the emotional and physical pain and the frustration surrounding Western treatments. Through RE#1, I was introduced to my TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) practitioner. She was kind, helpful and thorough. She cared about my whole body health. I counted myself lucky when any of my Western doctors managed to get even one of those right. However, I didn't have the money to continue with the program, and I was also getting very impatient. Lots of things happened between changing RE's and the mixing of Eastern and Western medicine that caused me to give up TCM at the time.

When she sensed she was losing me, Dr. L. started to get very worried. She felt I was very out of balance and that Western medicine alone would not do the trick. She stated the belief that it was unlikely I would conceive, but that if I did, it probably would not be viable for long. Here I am, a year later, lots of dollars more broke, emotionally exhausted, and that's exactly what happened. Last cycle, it's doubtful that I ovulated, but at least AF came at a normal time. I am currently on cycle day 41 with no ovulation or AF in sight, my anxiety is getting worse again, and I feel "out of balance" like I did before. My Western medicine doctors (including my wonderful endo) are all at a loss. Every one of them had previously stated that I should be pregnant (successfully) in no time and that I was in prime health other than my few "small" problems. My Hashimoto's wasn't terrible they said, and my PCOS was mild if even a full syndrome. At some point though, when nothing works, almost every doctor seems to lose faith in their ability to "fix" my problems and gives up on me. The next logical move to them is IVF. But why would that be any different when they are all continually confounded by this seemingly "mostly healthy" specimen's inability to even ovulate correctly? I'm glad I went to Western medicine long enough to get my diagnoses and treatment for hypothyroid. But why is there suddenly another brick wall in my way? The answer seems simple to me. They're missing something. Is this a something that TCM could help?

So now we come to my conundrum and your part in it. I have lost that dreamy, happy, "free of treatments" dreamworld. I relaxed. I found myself again. Now I'm ready to give it another go. Hubs and I had some serious talks about what we want. I think he's ready for adoption only if I'm ready for it. And we both concluded that I am not ready yet. I need to see this through. I desperately want to grow a child in my womb, and I'm pretty sure DH really wants to be a part of that process as well. Therefore, we must make a decision. Do we go back to Western medicine or Eastern?

DH's parents may help us with costs, but even with help, we probably only have one shot at a Western medicine assisted IUI at a time with long breaks in between to build up our financial stores. Furthermore , my last (supremely unsuccessful) IUI was done with Femara, gonal-f and ovidrel. I'm pretty sure RE is going to just want to jump right in where he left off with pushing much more injectibles without finding out why I stopped ovulating on meds and probably strongly arguing the case for IVF. IVF is just not an option for us. It's not. I don't know if I could handle it anyway, but the point is moot since it's so financially out of reach, he may as well try to get us to force flying primates out of our nether regions (to nicely quote a favorite SNL skit).

But - there is the fact that with Western medicine, you know exactly where you stand without the guesswork. And if there is a problem with me killing off all of DH's sperm, as I suspect there is due to the fact that I have such a short period of good, fertile CM, then an IUI takes care of that.

On the flip side, with TCM, I will feel comfortable again. No more miserable side effects. No more needles - not even acupuncture because we could only afford herbs. Maybe Dr. L could figure out why I'm still all "unbalanced" and work to fix it. Maybe I would see some results and a healthier me. Maybe I could get this crap under control and actually get pregnant. Also, the herbs are affordable enough that if she does get me ovulating again, we have multiple cracks at conceiving rather than just one every 5 or 6 months.

The drawback to the TCM is that I have to be patient, and I am really miserable at that. Can I wait it out long enough to even see if it makes a difference to me? I'm also on the fence as to how effective I really believe it is. Sometimes I'm very optimistic about it. Sometimes I believe it's just wishful thinking. And if I spend months and months trying to make it work, that's months more than I've lost. But on the flip side, we're kinda stuck right now anyway due to hitting our insurance limit (oooh 3 IUI's. Thank you ever so much generous corporate entity), and having no cash.

It's obvious that I'm leaning toward the TCM. But every other hour, I second guess my decision and fret about it all over again. Can you weigh in with what you think about my situation? Feel free to deal out the assvice in spades here. Just don't tell me to fix something that I can't, or suggest that maybe God "has a plan for me" ok? Tell me your experiences. Relate that article that you read. Tell me how you think I'll feel. I just need some help here. And believe me, you won't even offend me if you've never even experienced infertility. I'm looking for advice from all corners. (H - I'm thinkin' of you here! Would love input from that big brain of yours!)

Signing off and looking forward to your responses and our ttc journey starting up again.

Debbie Downer

Thanks for all your fun happy thoughts!

Either the daylight saving time really screwed me up (time and sleep changes tend to do that easily to me), or I got a bad bottle of Synthroid. A lot of my hypothyroid symptoms are creeping back in. My body temperatures are ridiculously low, and by low I mean I'm thinking, "That can't be right! Am I dead?" My skin is also much drier, hair more coarse, and I'm losing more of it, and I'm so fatigued but am not sleeping well. There are lots of other symptoms too (anxiety anyone?) It has been slowly getting worse. If I feel like this tomorrow, I'm calling the doctor. Is it possible to get a dud bunch of pills?

On the bright side of things, this was my fortune cookie tonight:

You will be singled out for promotion.

Man I hope so. I can't do this overtime and shoestring budget thing forever.

A Smattering of Happy Thoughts

NOTE: Many of you have wondered how to get your hands on Unsung Lullabies. I got mine at Amazon.com. Run a search there for the title, and it should pop right up. Then you can order a used or new edition. Happy reading!

First of all - Valentine's Day was lovely. I know many people think it's a silly day and that you should support your loved one all year, but we like to celebrate it quietly. We do nice things for each other the whole year long, and profess our undying love often. However, since we don't have much money, we like to take an excuse such as V-day to go out to eat and buy each other a nice card. It's just a good reminder to pamper ourselves as a couple once in a while. We ended up eating at a Mexican place we've been meaning to try. It had FABULOUS food and even better service and value. We could eat lunch there for a few bucks each! That's our kind of place! I have to say we also both managed to snag some awesome cards this year. I think we made each other a little verklempt.

Secondly, I just finished participating in the annual Great Backyard Bird Count. I didn't see as many species as I would have liked, but I had fun anyway. AND - when I went on a wildlife census, I got to see a short-tailed hawk (dark morph)! They are not common at all in Florida. In fact, they aren't all that common anywhere. This was a nesting pair - too cool!

Thirdly - I'm almost finished with My So Called Scarf and plan to wear it out tonight! I'm sure this will be one of our last cold nights.

Finally, I've saved the biggest news for last. I went to the CE today to get the results of all that bloodwork. Get this: Everything looked completely normal. Can you believe that? And the coolest thing was, by pure chance I had my draw done right around ovulation, which shows quite clearly in my FSH:LH levels! YAY BODY!

The levels I had done were: Complete Metabolic Panel (CMP - including glucose), Free T-4, TSH, Lipid Panel (not too bad, but still some work to do here), C-peptide, DHEA-S, FSH, LH, Insulin, Prolactin, Testosterone (free and total). Not one of these levels indicates PCOS. When you put that together with the fact that I have minimal PCOS symptoms (which can also be somewhat attributed to the hypothyroid) and that only my left ovary has the minimum amount of cysts to be considered PCOS, CE suspects that I don't have the full syndrome, or at the least, it's a mild form of it.

What we both think may have happened is that the hypothyroid stopped me from ovulating. When that happened, I developed more of the cysts, which in turn, released more androgens. So for now, she's going with the thought that I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis with a polycystic ovary, but maybe not the syndrome. She says we'll know more as we see if I start to even out and ovulate earlier as time goes on with this new protocol. She also gives a lot of credit to the flax seed oil and B-complex that I've been taking. She think that B-complex is one of the most important vitamin groups to have for ovulatory and cycle disorders.

Furthermore, if I ever do get pregnant, she wants me to call her immediately so she can run a TSH and bump up my Synthroid dosage. I like me a prepared doctor. :)

I'm just so glad to have a shot at being healthy. For now, pregnancy worries are on the back burner, and happy, healthy Barb is the focus.