The Disconcerting

It was definitely teeth. It came to a head last night. There was lots of crying. There was little sleeping. There was a sharp little premolar poking out from his upper gums. I think I see the swollen starts of several other teeth as well. Poor baby. We had been waiting on ibuprofen until we saw more teething proof. Now I feel badly that we did. He was doing the sign for "teeth hurt" for over a week.

He also is in this stage where, EVERYTHING MUST REMAIN THE SAME. ROUTINE MUST EXIST. Stage? Who am I kidding? He's always been like this, it's just more intense right now. So intense in fact that since we recently went through about a month-long stretch of no cloth diapers (we've always done a combo) for many reasons unimportant to this post, he has now decided that cloth diapers are a toddler torture device and "Oh my God, get them off me NOW Mama!!!!!!!!!" What to do about this? I really don't want to give them up. Any thoughts on how to make them more comfortable, tolerable, whatever?

And finally, thanks so much for all your input on my other posts. It's so very helpful. If anyone wants to chime in more, I'm all ears all the time. OK... maybe all eyes... some of the time. Oh well.

Cute E Stories - Making Connections

I have been reading E a Thomas book entitled "Go Train Go!" recently. A lot of times he points to the cover and says, "Go Go!" and I always assumed it was because of the title of the book. However, I noticed tonight that on the upper right corner is a tiny illustration of the Cat in the Hat, and that he's pointing specifically at it.

There's a Cat in the Hat cartoon on PBS kids, and the song they sing goes, "Here we go go go go, on an adventure!" E sings "Go go go go!" with them every time. He was simply noticing that tiny cat in the hat and making the connection.

******************************************************

E's daycare lady gave him a plush "Very Hungry Caterpillar" for his one year birthday. He looked at it from time to time, but didn't seem to give it much thought even though that book is one of his all time favorites. A week or two ago, he grabbed it out of his toy box, started to throw it to the side and then seemed to do a double take. He pulled it back close to him and stared at the face. Then his eyes lit up, and he exclaimed "Booka booka booka!" while pointing toward his bedroom (where his books reside.) He didn't stop until I took him to get the Very Hungry Caterpillar and read it to him as he clutched his new found friend to his chest. My smart baby, growing up.

Something to add

Forgot this one... Has anyone ever used Thredup.com? Thoughts?

Updates and Questions

• E has been irritable, clingy and not sleeping well. At first I thought, "growth spurt" but now all signs seem to point to teething. The only thing is, he isn't drooling. Do they stop drooling so much as toddlers?
• Speaking of toddling, he's been taking a lot more daring steps all over the house. It's pretty awesome. Oh.. and the positive aspect in all this is that he no longer seems to need to sleep with me while teething. He sleeps semi ok by himself as long as he has had some Tylenol. We'll see if that changes as it gets worse.
  
• Any thoughts on which service I should use for my larger videos? Vimeo or YouTube? I'm thinking You Tube partly because most of my videos are on my iPod, and it's compatible, but I want to hear what you have to say. All of it needs to be anonymous and protected of course.
• Yesterday I took E to the canals near our house, and for the first time he really noticed and got excited by the water there. He saw the dragonflies and the flowers and wanted to get down to play in the mud. If Florida wasn't so rife with nasty bacteria, alligators and bugs in fresh water, I might have allowed him.
• Last night the baby whined, the pets cried and Hub snored. Guess who lost out (and usually does) in the sleep game?
• I have to admit that Hub's snoring last night wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. But I would still like advice on less snoring or ways for me to sleep through it. E's white noise seems to help me some.
• Why is it that most men are allergic to the doctor's office? Why do they wait until there's a crisis to get healthy? It's much cheaper, safer and less stressful to go as a preventative and stay on top of things. I will never understand it.
  

Canadians

You know how sometimes you read someone's blog, and you think about how wonderfully they write, and how awesome they seem to be as people and then you get afraid that maybe you just won't be good enough to meet them? I don't mean in the sense that they would be awful. I mean that you would just feel in awe or not be the person you'd want to be for them. I am going to state here and now that Mrs. Spit is an intimidatingly beautiful writer, possesses more than her share of kindness and intelligence and is completely and awesomely easy to relate to in person. Why did I even worry? Of course with all that goodness she also possesses the ability to make one feel at ease! And can I say that Mr. Spit is really adorable? Maybe he wouldn't like that. Men seem to react badly to being called anything close to cute. Perhaps I should say he was funny and gentlemanly and gracious. Is that better? In any case, we chatted and relaxed and E didn't even cry upon meeting the "strangers." Hub even liked them, and that's saying something.

But then again, we're quite partial to Canadians.

Stylish Blogger

Wow. It's been a long time since I've gotten a blogger award. Perhaps it's because I suck so at follow through. haha. It never ceases to completely surprise me when it happens though... especially because I suffer from the whole, "I'm not cool enough" mentality. I'm ok with not being part of a "cool crowd," it's just that it surprises me when someone I would designate as such notices me. Yeah. I'm a weirdo.

Anywho, the quite interesting and talented Ms. Jjiraffe at Too Many Fish to Fry passed on the Stylish Blogger award for me. I am supposed to list 7 things about myself and then pass it on to 15 more. And here is where I get really lame and prove that I'm not worthy of awards. I will list the 7 things, but then I'm gonna say that if you are reading this, I consider you awarded. I just have such trouble narrowing it down. Besides, a lot of the people I read have already done this award, and I don't want to make them feel like they have to do it again. See? A neurotic nut. But it is a fun way to learn about each other, so if you decide to do it, please leave me a comment so I can go read!

Here goes:

1. I can say, "I eat shoes" and "beautiful butt" in Tagalog.
2. I can actually say quite a few other things, but those are the funniest (and the most fun).
3. The movie, "Toy Story" is one of my favorites. I could watch it a million times. It speaks to me on a deeper level.
4. I have a thumb that for as long as I can remember has easily popped out of joint backwards and lock that way. I used to do it as a sort of parlor trick, but as I've gotten older, it sticks more firmly and hurts more to pop it back, so now it's slightly less usable than my other thumb.
5. One of my elbows also regularly popped out of its socket when I was very young. Mom learned how to push it back in because it happened so often. It happened so badly once that she couldn't, and the doctor figured I would do it on my own by accident. I did. I fell going down the slide in the snow. I'm apparently a joint freak.
6. I have a fairly famous (infamous?)... not ancestor so much as indirect relative from the 16th century. I would tell you who it is, but then I'd have to kill you.
7. If I were rich, I would have horses and ride regularly. Horses weren't only my girlish love, they are also my adult love. There's nothing like a good bond between horse and rider, and oh my GOD what beautiful animals.

The end.

Be Jealous

Both Mr. and Mrs. Spit are quite lovely and personable.

Crib Tent Opinion Soliciting

Anybody have opinions on the little tents that cover the tops of cribs so babies can't climb out? I don't think E has figured it out yet, but he's starting to think about climbing stuff, and that is a HUGE fear of mine...

Validation

Today I visited a lovely lady who is always very together fashion-wise and who happened to have just had her second child. She apologized for the state of her house, though I thought it looked fine. It was nice, however, to see that even really "together," beautiful women deal with the craziness a newborn (and children in general) bring into our lives and that they aren't any more perfect than I am. (Ok, maybe a little bit more perfect.)

Let's Talk Positive Reinforcement and How it Works: Part I

I have mentioned writing on this topic before, but I am finally getting around to it. I had originally intended to write one long post about positive reinforcement and how the results obtained are so much more reliable and desirable than positive punishment (discussion on terms later). However, I found that I am just too passionate about and interested in this vast topic to confine myself to one post. If I did, I have a feeling you'd be reading a book in post form.

Thus, this will be the first in a series of posts dedicated to this whole topic. I'll try to break it down into manageable chunks so I don't bore you too much. You'll just have to trust me that I have been trained in this arena and use these techniques daily both in work and personal life.

As an introduction, let's start with the most basic point (partly because I've already rambled on, and partly because it's late, and I'm tired.)

What is the definition of positive reinforcement?

If you are speaking of reinforcement in the clinical sense, it is something that occurs after a behavior which increases the likelihood of that behavior occurring again. I have learned of two ways to view the word "positive." According to psychology experts, the word positive simply denotes the addition of something to the environment that will increase the likelihood of the behavior occurring in the future. According to other ways of thinking, "positive" relates to the fact that the addition is something the person or animal actual enjoys or wants. That definition can become confusing when we talk about terms such as "positive punishment," so I will try to be clear on the ways in which I am using the terms "positive and negative" in the future. However, don't get too caught up in definitions. As long as the principles are understood, it's all semantics.

When you view "positive" as something added, the term positive punishment makes a lot more sense as something added to the environment after a behavior has occurred that attempts to decrease the likelihood of that behavior occurring in the future. Spanking a child for running into the street after they have done it is a classic example.

If you'd like to learn more about the terms I will be using (and it may be a good idea if you want to follow), check out this page for an exhaustive list.

I learned much of this information in various classes, but I also learned a great deal from the book, Don't Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryor. I will probably reference it from time to time, and it's a very readable, fabulous resource.

For Filipinos or those Living with Filipinos

Enjoy!

Mojo

I feel like I'm getting my mojo back. (Note that I had never heard of that word before Austin Powers.) I believe I'm still carrying the extra sensitivity, caring and humility I learned from my pregnancy and post partum era. I'm certainly more motherly and aware of how my actions can deeply affect others, though I'm not sure I needed a lot more of that. However, I'm adjusting to our new normal - to my new normal. My whole world is no longer this vast, raw, intimidating place. I've done what humans do so well - adapted to my new environment. I've rationalized my changed personality, and I've re-adhered some of my lost armor.

One of my favorite reclamations is what I affectionately call my "Fuck You." Yes, my "Fuck You" has returned. Granted, it's not as strong or as hasty as it once was, but I think that's an improvement. In any case, it's such a relief to have that inner defense when one of my less than charming acquaintances has a strong minded opinion about me or my actions. I can smile and say, "Thank you for making me aware of your concern. I apologize that this decision has affected you negatively. If you would like to discuss how we can make things work better, I'm all ears." And of course, couched within that speech is the tiny little "Eff You" in my head. (I have to be really pissed to whole heartedly embrace the full word.) Sure, it's not the most mature response. But it is mature to use some restraint and maintain it only in my head. Besides, I'm often not using it as a result of the most mature attack on me either. I have the fortune/misfortune of working in a career where people often retain a youthful attitude. I need this.

Furthermore, my confidence in general is returning. I believe in my decisions. I believe that I am doing what I feel is right, and if someone else disagrees, that's their prerogative and not necessarily my load to carry. I like me, and I like my ideals and morals. And you know what? I am a damn good mother. I am a damn good wife. I'm a pretty good friend. And even though work has suffered some, I'm still damn good at it. Just think how good I was before half my brain was used up for E.

I am back my friends, and it feels damn good all around.

Love is...

...when I look at his snot smeared face after 3 sleepless nights, and his smile still dazzles.

E Update

E has a sinus infection that has moved to his throat. His glands are all swollen, and his throat is probably very painful. He got some antibiotics, and we're still working on the sleep. Thanks for holding my hand!

It's 3am I Must Be Lonely

Up all night with distraught baby. Perfect storm of teething, belly issues, sore throat and respiratory crap?? Of course I'm thinking of all the things I could have done that would have hurt him.... too much medicine? The tasting of almond milk? Arrgh. He reacts so strongly to distress that it's hard to know how bad it really is.

And this my friends, is a glimpse into the sick baby, tortured mommy mind.

Good News Bad News

Good news: I am already seeing a difference in my skin and energy level from a week of Synthroid increase. Thank God that works so well for me. So many other Hashi's sufferers aren't so lucky.

Bad news: E has croup, and it sucks. He's watching entirely too much tv and snuggling a lot because it's the only thing he feels good doing. My increase in energy has come at just the right time.

Thank you

Thank you for your advice on the work thing all. I like my team situation now, but I'm big on changing things that don't suit. However, I didn't want to think about changing my situation without ruminating on the cause first. If it really is mostly home induced, moving to a new team or position wouldn't help.

And I hope you all got a chance to visit a Fifth Season. She recently wrapped up her blog, but the words and raw emotions there are well worth some time.

"God's Will" and "Everything Happens for a Reason"

When I was a youngster and later a teenager and young adult, I uttered these phrases with impunity. It was easy for me because I hadn't really faced any of the tough stuff yet. Oh sure, I dealt with the passing of my beloved Grandma in front of me, the loss of a dear cousin and a few other family tragedies, but those things all happened when adults did some of the grieving for me if you know what I mean. Somehow, I found that as a child, the grieving of the adults lifted some of the burden from me. I didn't truly suffer that sort of grief completely on my own shoulders until the passing of my Grandfather and my early miscarriage. And now, as an adult, I more fully understand the complexities of grief and the grieving - that there are no easy words or fixes - that it may never be ok, but it will be better.

And since I grew up, I've become very bitter about those easy words, yet I've never been able to express eloquently why they bother me so. I know part of it is the implication that you, the bereaved, are supposed to be ok with the situation because it's all part of your plan in life. And you know what? I don't feel like I have to be OK. Nor do I really believe in "fate" as a concrete concept in life. In my mind that makes fate and predestination go hand and hand, and isn't that a worrying thought?

In any case, I came across this post ages ago as I was reading the beautiful blog, A Fifth Season. I asked Caitsmom if I could link to this article, and she gave me her blessing. As I was reading it, I said, "YES!" She really nailed the heart of my discomfort here. Her more in depth post to which she linked in the newer one goes into even further detail. I've been thinking about these words a lot lately and felt like I needed to finally get them out in black and white. I don't expect people to all share my thinking, but it feels good to share mine anyway. Thank you Caitsmom for your eloquence.

Work Blahs

I still seem to have a lot of ennui about work. Work used to be my passion. Don't get me wrong. I like my job. I'm just not all that into it anymore. (Work, I'm just not that INTO you.) There are a few aspects that get me going but for the most part... meh.

I'm not sure what it is. I'm on a team now that presents fewer challenges in the day to day job than I used to face. So perhaps that's boring me? At the same time though, this team provides more opportunities for growth in some of my favorite aspects of the job. So that part should excite me.

Or is it that I'm getting older, and that's just what happens? Or is it that my home life is so much more important and dynamic to me right now?

Does anyone have insight on this? It's important to me. It's hard for me sometimes to just not care. I don't feel like I'm doing the best job I can, and I remember when it was awesome.

Endocrine Excitement

In the past two weeks, I've had blood work and my annual thyroid ultrasound. Today I visited my Endo for the results. It looks like I was right and all that fatigue, dry skin, cold and achy joints really do mean I need an increase in my levothyroxine (aka Synthroid). Much as we are equal parts happy and devastated when we receive an IF diagnosis, I'm relieved (and actually not devastated at all) that my blood work came back the way it did. It means that I have an answer this time, as I increase my dose I can look forward to feeling better, and it's nothing more scary than that.

The ultrasound is always a tiny bit of a nail biter because there's always the chance I'll develop more nodules, the nodules I have will grow, or that I can live up to the stats that I have a bigger chance of developing thyroid cancer. Luckily at this time my one previous nodule has not grown any appreciable amount, and the one new one I have is still teensy.

On the PCOS front, all of my blood work looks really good, and I got my period yet again this cycle! Thank you E for giving me a respite from that crap. My cycles are pretty consistently falling in the 45 to 50 day long range, and that's the best they've been without any medication in at least 10 years! And even MORE awesome is the fact that I can't even tell I used to have a severe widow's peak anymore. The hair has grown in so much there that I have to figure new ways to work it. Methinks it's time for another visit to the hair salon. Oh happy day! I take these little health challenges one victory at a time.

Perfect Moment Monday

See? You all reeled me in with your kindness on my last Perfect Moment Monday that wasn't even a real one! Miss Luz was so sweet to be so inclusive. So now I'm gettin' all official and stuff, but I warn you that I am not the most organized human on the planet and often lose track of such things.

Maybe I should just get on with it eh?

If you follow this blog with any regularity, you know that I and we as a family struggle with religion and how we wish to practice it in different ways. We struggle with finding a comfortable church home, with opinions that differ from those certain churches declare as "law," and with opinions that any of us are the "only" right ones.

Just recently, it seems we may have found a church at which both of us feel comfortable. The pastor is lovely. The congregation is small. The music is traditional and complex, and the welcome is warm and inclusive.

Today, I took communion there for the first time. In fact, I took it for the first time in years period. I never do such a thing lightly or because it's expected. I was nervous, but it was a surprisingly peaceful moment.

When I sat back down however, I watched as the pastor walked back down the aisle toward us. He stopped just short of us in front of an elderly woman with a cane. The back of her neck was papery smooth. Her head was bowed. He slowly repeated the words he'd just uttered for clusters of people at the altar. He placed the wafer in the woman's hands and so gently offered her the wine. His eyes never left hers. He knelt to her level. He touched her shoulder. And as he said, "Go in peace," his expression softened while his eyes seemed to deepen with care. Tears pricked my eyes, and I was at peace as well.

So Much to Say

No more cameras Mama! I told you that I wish to remain anonymous!

• I haven't been able to blog/read/do anything much lately because the past couple of days, E has slept with me.
• "Why?" you ask? Well E is teething again, and even when he has ibuprofen on board, he often wakes up in the early AM and is up for a few hours before he is able to fall back asleep. This seems to disturb him so much that for the rest of the time he is teething, he is very anxious about sleeping alone. Since our child does well with only co-sleeping when he really needs it and then going back to his crib just fine, we roll with it. I feel so horribly for him when he has these issues.
• One of the teeth broke through today. He has the 2 bottom middle incisors. This one appears to be a pre-molar. Weird? Why the gap? No wonder it hurt.
• E has developed his own signing. He uses the normal ASL for "eat," a fisted hand in the same movement for "milk," and a fisted hand on the bottom lip for "gums hurt." Or in this case, we say, "teeth hurt" because he doesn't know what gums are. He's a clever baby.
• I have had LOTS of perfect moments today. Perhaps I will tell one for tomorrow!
• E will not scribble on a perfectly blank piece of paper. It must be written on by someone else first. Perhaps it goes with his need for everything to be put back where it belongs.
• We had British "mushy peas" for the first time today. They were....... amazingly delicious. They were like a mix of mashed potatoes, green beans with vinegar and pea texture. I had no idea. We all loved them. Recipe hunting here I go.
• I'm astonished at the lack of understanding about breast feeding in my work place. Many of them are at best ignorant, and at worst immature. It makes me want to knock their silly heads together.
• We took the baby to the beach for the first time today! It was perfection.
• E is now commonly putting 2 words together to convey ideas and using at least 40 words in their correct manners. Holy crap. On the walking front, he will finally let us lead him around by the hands more often.
• Have I mentioned that on my SATs, my verbal was in the 700's and my math in the 500's? Yeah... this is my kid all right.
• OK. I'm really done. I promise. More details on the beach tomorrow.