Does this mean I'm famous?

An Interview from Jen at Here We Go Again. I'll have my people contact your people. ;-)

1. You and your husband just picked up and moved to Florida. Explain yourself, missy. :) I mean, why did you choose to make this move? (Besides the fact that everyone up north is freezing and I was outside in bare feet today.)

Good thing you took out the bare feet part because I was about to gloat.... No really. Hub and I were going nowhere fast in our little part of the northeastern rust belt. Though we loved a lot of things about the city near us, jobs were dwindling, and our opportunities were pretty poor. We both made a list of places we'd like to live. From that list, we chose the places that both of us could handle. Then we researched things like cost of living, proximity to friends or loved ones and job and schooling availabilities for BOTH of us. The only places that offered work AND school opportunities for both were Florida, California and Chicago. Florida was the infinitely cheaper of the group, and a place where I could still be near some of my family, which was way more important to me than it was to him. So Florida it was! Oh.. and I also already had some school and job leads in Florida.Good thing Jen, because it means I got to meet you - a great friend if I ever saw one. :)

2. I've had the pleasure of meeting your husband and the main factor that stands out is that he really loves you. You two have a better than average relationship, or so it appears to me as an outsider. How has the fact that you have struggled with infertility changed your relationship?

Why thank you Jen. We are quite proud of our relationship, and I'm pleased that it appears to others the way it feels to us.

In dealing with infertility, we have had some of the biggest fights and toughest times we've had as a couple. Most of it has had to do with not seeing eye to eye as a man and a woman about the issue, and with my artificial hormone induced crazies. But on the other hand, we've also connected on a deeper level and become each others' strength like never before. Despite the tough times, for the most part, infertility has made us realize the we and the pets really are each others' family. If you had asked us before all this whether we felt like family, we would have answered yes without hesitation. Now however, that feeling seems pale in comparison to this. Both of us feel like it's us against the world. Our little family is the most important thing in our lives, and we'd do anything to protect it. We've also reached a sweetness and honesty that I never knew existed. I feel like we know each other even more deeply into our souls than we already did, and support each others' needs with sincerity. It's sickening I know, but as I told a friend who thinks we're just too unbearably sappy, "That's just because it's something you don't know, and I can never explain it to you adequately. Thus it seems unreal and over the top."

3. Since I know you in real life, I know there are a lot of details about your actual daily life that you keep off your blog for identification purposes. Why did you chose to be this anonymous? Is it difficult to censor yourself this much? (Being that you have the coolest job in the world and two of the cutest pets I have ever seen?)

The coolest job in the world I don't know about, but I like it. As for the pets - yes.. they are the cutest. No doubts. To answer your question: Yes sometimes it is difficult, but not too often. The main difficulty is with the pets. I love them so much, and they provide so much material that it's difficult to refrain. I also bemoan the loss of character driven story telling that would come with a little less anonymity. Characters are my favorite part of a story, and I always feel closest to bloggers who let us in to their lives more with family "characters."

HOWEVER as for why I chose to censor myself- I'm choosy about telling too much about others on my blog. I'm so private in many ways that I hate to lessen the privacy of any others - including Hub (who is even more private than I am).

But the main reason is because if I didn't censor myself to remain somewhat anonymous, then just because of who I am, I'd have to censor myself in the feelings I express on my blog. And that's the main reason for this blog. I NEED it as an outlet for this experience. I need the ideas bounced back and forth with blogging. I need the ALI community. If I wasn't anonymous, I'd have to go password protected for my own sanity, and then I'd feel stifled, just as I'd feel stifled by my own sense of propriety and decorum if I wasn't anonymous. A non-anonymous blog has an even higher chance of reaching people you hadn't intended to tell about it. I'm way too sensitive and anxiety ridden about some of this stuff and about myself to allow many of those in my daily life to see these thoughts. Even with those I know IRL who DO read this blog (JEN ;-), you'll note that I don't often address the things I've said in it when I'm speaking with you in person. It's just awkward for me. Obviously good question. Sorry for the verbosity. ;)

4. Why did you decide to go back to school? And why did you choose the major that you did?

As I've said before (and recently), I can't deal with myself if I'm not achieving or making life or the world better in some way for someone or something. I don't know how it happened, but it fulfills me. I felt in a rut, and going back to school helped that. I also LOVE learning and know that eventually I'll have to make a bit of a career change anyway.

As for the major - Conservation Biology - it falls right in line with all that other stuff I just said. I feel like of all our problems, managing the Earth and its resources is right on top, because without the Earth, really... does any of the rest of it matter? On top of that, wildlife is an absolute lifelong passion. And science is a GREAT cerebral draw to me as well as a big challenge. And I can never seem to back down from a challenge.

5. Am I as crazy in real life as I appear online? Wait, don't answer that. Something about books instead… Okay, I've got one. I've just absorbed you into Madeleine L'Engle. Do you think there are other galaxies out there with intelligent life? If you could visit another galaxy, what would you like it to be like? You are as delightfully silly, thought provokingly complex and charmingly talkative in person as you are in writing.

Secondly - I have to think about this stuff as a scientist, but I'm not well read on the space aspect. So if I sound ignorant about it, that's because I am to an extent. That being said, if the universe really is infinite... something so mind bendingly incomprehensible it actually terrifies me.... then yes, by a sheer numbers game, there HAS to be other intelligent life in the universe. It doesn't make any sense other wise. But again, by a sheer numbers game, the likelihood of us ever MEETING anyone else we could even begin to communicate with is astronomically small.

Another galaxy... hmm. I would like it to challenge my mind's ability to even conceive of it, which I imagine it would. I love things that bend my mind to a place I couldn't have gone on my own. Of course, I would also like it to be a PEACEFULLY mind bending place. ;)

Thanks Jen! That was lots of fun! Am I supposed to offer to interview others now? I can, but my track record at being able to interact reliably due to time constraints is not the best. So if anyone wants to I can, but I'm placing my caveats on it! ;)

It just keeps comin' round....

I'm staring down the barrel of another (just one more of so many I can't remember) round of Provera. I'll probably give it another week, just to give my body the chance, but my gyn doesn't like to let it go for more than 2 months without me bleeding, and I happen to agree with him. I'm definitely not feeling so great about this.

It's a crushing blow for me to go from ovulating on my own 2 cycles in a row on Metformin and even doing better each time, to going a cycle with no ovulation at all. I had hoped it would get even a little better before we'd have to go back to ARTs. I'm an achiever. It's just what I do. When I want something to happen in my life, I make it happen. Sadly, conceiving and giving birth to a baby just doesn't work that way no matter how many Hannah happy faces tell you it does. So no matter how deeply I know the truth that I have very little control in this situation, I still feel the dull thud of failure. I feel like I have failed - failed so many times I can't even count them anymore.

Part of the reason I'm more down about this than usual is that there has been another string of pregnancy announcements and births lately. Sometimes I'm prepared, and it's ok. Then sometimes someone I never suspected surprises me. It's always the surprise that kills ya. I always tell people I rarely cry in front of others except in cases where cruelty or great disappointment come as a shock. It's similar with the depression about this. I have lots of checks and balances in place, but they still need to be methodically implented. If I don't have time to throw up the defenses, things slip through the armor with much more sharpness.

I'm also so tired from being sick and run ragged the last week. How did Grandma say it? "Run hard and put up wet." Yup. That's it. I don't often have that pleased, satisfied tiredness anymore. Tiredness is often just another way for the sadness to slip in.

I don't want you to think I'm not a happy person. Overall, I am happy and so very grateful for the incredible blessings I've been given. I feel more human and fulfilled lately than I've felt since just before we started this horrible babymaking adventure. I can even see where I've learned some wonderful and valuable things through all of it. But I feel my "free time" coming to a close. We're going to have to make a decision about treatments again soon. I need to try very hard to conceive and carry a child. We can adopt, but there are many things blocking that for this moment. Treatment scares me though, because while I like my RE, the way they run the clinic there leaves me with a lack of confidence. What kind of RE only sees his patient for surgery, an insemination, retrieval or transfer? What's with the calling an automated hotline to get your protocol information?

And it's not just that. Will I go through the roller coaster I did before? Will it even work at all? Can we afford to do even one more cycle with IUI? Are we coming to the end?

Sorry for the downer. Have you ever felt you just needed to call a girlfriend and cry on her shoulder about this stuff? But then when you think about who to call, you come up empty? Sure, there may be plenty of amazing, kind hearted people who would be happy to lend their shoulder, but after so many years it's just so difficult to even convey. Not only that, but do you really want to be a downer to yet another friend yet another time? That's my thought stream. So I don't call. I blog. This blog is my girlfriend's shoulder. Jen sent me an interview... a wonderful, fun, light hearted interview that I can't wait to do. One of the questions asks a bit about my anonymity and this blog, and part of that answer is within this post. Without some anonymity, for me, this blog would take a space right next to all the regular friends I'd rather not bother, and it would never see these conflicted swirlings.

Medicine Head

This sickness is just the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you're feeling better and think the worst is over, the next set of symptoms comes up. I took my mid-term despite it since I was no longer alternately shivering my teeth out and sweating my skin off. The tiny mallets banging away behind my eyes and the big one on top of my head had eased quite a bit as well.

I did not do well.

Ah well. These things happen. Sometimes it makes me wonder though why I do choose things that are harder for me? Why don't I go for a journalism degree, a history degree... something in which I feel I was born to revel. Why do I have to make it hard on myself?

As for the sickness, I am now onto a coughing/congestion phase. I remember reading on various boards that you should take decongestants to thin your cervical mucous to make it easier to conceive. I always found that interesting, but never tried it. Let me tell you - it sure works. If abundant CM were all that was required for successful conception, I'd be having the octuplets.

Sick

Very sick. Very compromised in studying and may not be able to take this mid-term. Yes I finished A Wrinkle in Time like a day after I started it and loved it.

Blame

I am in love, and it's all Jen's fault.

When I am studying, I need some sort of mind candy for the little breaks from the intensity. Jen lent me her copy of A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle, and I've been using that. What a weaver of words that author is! It's somewhat shocking that I have never read her before, but somehow I just never got around to it. The author that I think is the best word crafter of the writers I adore is Robin McKinley. I think Ms. L'Engle just stood right up in line next to her.

Now back to my regularly scheduled studying.

More Excuses

I finished my first Irish Hiking Scarf in a beautiful maroon color but forgot to take a photo of it! Since the yarn was pretty chunky, I used size 7 needles instead of 8's. It turned out beautifully, but it took me MONTHS to finish.*

And speaking of months to finish, in one week I will be taking my first mid-term in NINE YEARS. Folks, I don't know if my brain even works that way anymore! So although I have a bunch of posts in my back pocket that I'm super excited about, blogging is going to be quite spotty for a while. It's killing me to have to just write down the ideas instead of digging in.


*To let you know just how behind I am on just about everything, this scarf was originally intended as a birthday gift way back in May of last year. I didn't even get to start it for that, so it was moved to an intended Christmas gift and started in August. I just finished and sent it last night. Shameful.

Why I <3 Science

One of the reasons I chose to study science is precisely because I am so very right-brained. Science and analytical thinking are a fun (and sometimes frustrating) challenge for me. And as someone who has grown up using a lot of intuition and creative thinking, I appreciate the answers we can gather with science and math. Also, as someone who used ARTS (assisted reproductive technologies), I know that without some of our best doctors and scientists, I would not have had these chances. Now having said that, I also think that intuition, holistic thinking and creativity sometimes play a major role when science doesn't have the answers. To me, arts and sciences go hand in hand. I just happen to think that most of America leans heavily away from the analytical aspect. That's why I really like this update from President Obama. With the economic craziness, who knows if it even has a chance to happen. But boy would it be nice if it did. Now we can only hope that we dedicate more to our school arts programs as well. Although honestly, our arts program at my tiny, poor, rural school was alive and well because it was much more affordable. It was our science program that suffered so badly.


Speaking of the economics - spot on video by Jon Stewart about the "great bailout announcement" by the treasury secretary, and Wall Street's arrogant response.

And I don't even do drugs...

You know those dreams that cause you to sweat if you're running, pant if you're scared and swoon if you're in love? I had a plethora of them last night. I'm thankful to the gods of sleeping that I didn't have any nightmares because they would have had me thrashing in that mode.

One of the things I did dream about was having children. Big surprise huh? I dreamed that I had a little girl. She had the big chunky legs, grabbing fingers and silly babbling of a baby at about 8 months. The soft smell and weight of her in my arms was so sweetly and intensely satisfying. Hub was trying to find shoes for her so we could go outside. He was fumbling with the tiny things as Hub is wont to do in that situation. My chest burned with how gentle and Daddy he was.

As I hugged the sweetness, I reflected on how she had come to be. Apparently, she was a high risk pregnancy, and I had to have an early emergency c-section of which I remembered nothing. In my sleep, I thought how bittersweet it was to have had my one pregnancy ever cut short but yet to have this perfect child to show for it.

Sweet, sentimental and possibly cloying? Sure. But I also dreamed that I had a white Ferrari that you could drive traditionally OR drive via a brakeless remote control. (Small oversight on the manufacturer's part. I crashed it.) And I had some of those fun, titillating dreams about Hub. Doesn't he wish he didn't have to go to work this morning?

Blog Lovin'

I apparently have a lot of gab in me today. I have quite the list of posts I'd like to write. Therefore, you may see more than usual in the next two days. And obviously, I'm feeling much better, though my reproductive system continues to boggle the mind.

When I logged onto the computer today, I saw a list for Time's Top 25 Blogs. I plan to go check a bunch of them out, but 3 of my favorites were already listed! Bad Astronomy, The Pioneer Woman and Dooce are all great, very different, but great blogs.

Wonky

So here I sit - 5 hours after I went to bed - unable to sleep, crampy, anxious and with my heart racing. What the hell is going on? Let me give the background. I've been having crazy mood swings, been weepy one minute, elated the next, sleepy the next minute, hyper another. I lost a couple more pounds. That's not something I should be doing. I thought I had finally stabilized with the weight thing. My temperatures have been nice and even, though a little higher than normal.

Last night, I hit a mood swing/depression high reminiscent of the Clomid days. Then I started to get crampy and had a little bleeding. Was I getting my period? Who knows! This morning, my pulse is at 100 beats per minute, and I feel like I should run six times around the house. I'm hot, but not sweaty. I'm still crampy, but I have a nervous, crazy energy and my eyes feel peeled open.

Is this what it feels like when your thyroid decides to sputter to life unexpectedly? Many of these things also happen right before I get my period.... which would also be weird considering my temp is UP, and it's way early with no ovulation. Perhaps I should call my doctor eh?

New Food and Old Whines

Time off with the Hub - it's sweet.

We had dinner last night at our favoritest Mexican place. YUM! I tried something I'd never had before - horchata! It was gritty, yet tasty. The intense spice of the cinnamon was a delicious foil for the sweet, milky looking drink. What a fun new find!

In other news - so much for having better and better ovulation. It's cycle day 25, with no ovulation in sight. Last time was cycle day 26. And of course now I'm berating myself about eating that sugar here, or not getting enough sleep there. I logically know it's impossible to live the nun-like existence it would take to be perfect for my reproductive system, but that doesn't stop me from mulling over my mistakes.

Many Good Things

Well - one thing is good and not good at the same time. Not only is my uterus exploding, but so is my brain. I just finished a bunch of mind bending problems and am still in the process of reading a 12 page scientific paper. It feels good to exercise my mind, but it's tiring too.

So for the ALL good...

I finally saw a painted bunting! I've been trying to catch a glimpse of them ever since we moved here. There were quite a few, and they were so beautiful. They almost seemed unreal.

AND, I just had my first massage experience. It wasn't full body, but I LOVED it. I feel so much more relaxed, and my muscles are screaming, THANK YOU! Hub got me a gift certificate. I am forever indebted. (He'll like that.)

I have to say that the therapist was lovely, and it's a fabulous "green" spa. However, you have to put some of your medications etc on the sheet when you come in. That led to her knowing I have PCOS, Hashi's and am "fertility challenged" as I like to say. Turns out her sister also has PCOS and issues. She told me how she told her sister that she, "wouldn't need any of that IVF stuff. Just take care of yourself, take your vitamins and relax and you will have a baby the regular way." Since she was so nice, and I was supremely relaxed, I handled it the way I always wish I could. I calmly and quietly said, "You know - infertile people often don't really want to hear that. What they often want and need to hear is that maybe it WON'T happen for them. Recognize that fact and validate their feelings. And then help them when they try to struggle with making that realization ok for them." I know you can't change peoples' ideas with one statement, but I hope I gave her something to think about. Her sister probably silently wanted to slug her.

The Animal Obsession Continues

There's a new movie coming out by Disney called The Crimson Wing about lesser flamingos in Africa. I adore lesser flamingos. It isn't being released here yet, but the movie looks beautiful. And the scene with the mass of fluffy gray babies? Just stab me in the heart now.

The Crimson Wing - You Tube preview

The Mommy-Need

I always wanted children. My friends and I used to dream up how many we'd have and what their names would be, and I'd declare I'd be the best Mommy ever. As the oldest cousin on both sides (and the older sister), I mommied everything and everybody. I'm sure part of my love of animals comes from that deep urge to nurture. It's almost physical for me. However, as much as I liked babies, it was still hard to deal with a lot of crying when I was babysitting. And in reality, I was a little afraid to be "put out" by having to take care of a child.

Then I turned 24. I remember that year as the year my hormones took over. It must have been gradual, but the realization whooshed in with one sweep. I was at work and heard a newborn cry. You know the one. I had this sudden and debilitating need to find the source of that cry and nurture it away. It was an emotional and physical pull. I had always found that sound plaintive, but never before had I needed to restrain the physical urge to search out and reach for a baby. And it's only gotten worse from there.

For example, have you ever had your uterus twinge with want? I swear I have. It's like that flutter you get in your belly when you're flirting except it's in my uterus. All this reflection was sparked by the fact that I was around possibly the cutest baby animal I've ever experienced in my life today. He was so sweet I wanted to smoosh him. In fact, he was so interactive, trusting and cute and so darn BABY that my uterus nearly exploded.

Per the Previous Post

Thanks to those of you kind enough to share Jon with me. It is a big sacrifice. ;-)

I also wanted to note that the original price of that duvet cover was 54.99. Hub was quite proud and would want me to share that.

Random is Fun

It's CCCCCCOLD! It should be getting warmer tomorrow though. yay!

Another yay that I forgot - we got a beautiful $20 duvet cover from an Ikea sale! We have been searching in vain for years for a nice duvet cover that was something we could swallow financially. When I saw the ad for the one day sale Ikea was running - we were off! So tickled.

Even more random - sometimes I really hate certain politicians. Ignorant ones who fear monger based on crap are pretty high up there. Oh and do I ever love when they use disdain. It is so rich. When will they figure out that often half the people who are listening are very insulted by that dripping, hateful disdain? "Spend money on disconnected youth, job creation in the environmental sector, or STD prevention?? AAARGH, what a horrible idea! Why would we EVER spend money on something that would stimulate growth AND help us prosper in the long run! Craziness! TAX CUTS I say!" To be fair, there's also, "WE are the SMART party! THEY are the DUMB party! You suck!"*

Jon Stewart however, I think I would marry if he weren't married, and I weren't married.... and he weren't famous... and if I were to ever meet him......

Randomness over. Sleepy and lonely.


*Names withheld to protect the guilty. ;-) But if you can guess a few of the people I am mocking, I will glow with pride as your prize.
**Perhaps it is hypocritical of me to mock people when I don't like it when they disdain me. Perhaps I won't worry about it.
***I'm really liking asterisks lately huh?

FCiF Episode 1015 - A New Hope

Yeah I'm a geek. Deal. And no the 1015 is not a random number.

So my sister saw a snippet about in-vitro maturation* on the Early Show the other day. And being the good girl that she is, she called to talk to me about it. I hadn't realized it was being used much at all in the U.S. To be honest, I've stopped paying much attention to treatment options as I wait for my body to stabilize. It's the easiest on everyone - trust me. But this piqued** my interest.

You know that IVF has always been a pretty non-option for us. I react way too strongly in many ways to ovulation inducing drugs, and we do not have the money or the credit to pay for IVF. Despite that, I think in his realization that he would really like a baby please, Hub brought up the fact that IVF would be the only sure way we'd know if my eggs were any good or not and if that was the real problem. I think it has come into his consciousness as something that might be our only hope so to speak. But, seeing as the cons were far too compelling to ignore, we were thinking of trying one more IUI when my body seemed best fit for it and preparing for adoption concurrently.

Then I started researching IVM. Now, I don't know how much it costs - only that it's supposed to be cheaper than IVF.*** What I DO know is that you don't do all the traditional stimming that IVF involves. In fact, it's something like 3 days of one drug, and then you're done. THAT, I could handle. The problems are that it's not been long studied, the success rates aren't all that high (but it would be good to know my eggs were maturing for sure), and this article sites a study that found higher miscarriage rates with IVM than with IVF. There's also the question of who is even doing it in the U.S. And if someone is, and needs volunteers for a study - ME PLEASE! I'm a good subject! I'm under 35! I have PCOS and a slightly reduced sperm count issue. Helloooo!

Obviously more research is needed on my part. If anyone has such research, please point me in the right direction. Much thanks.

_______________________________________________________

*I originally found a more interesting, lay person sort of article, but when I spotted the phrase, "embryos are then implanted in the womb" it was thrown out immediately. ugh.

**Yes, this is the correct spelling of "pique," pronounced, "peek."

***VERY very relative to be sure.

****My I'm saucy today.

Happy Things Post - Kinda

1. Dee at I'm Not Ashamed of My Infertility gave birth to her twins, and Daniella is hanging in there. She also got to say goodbye to Angelo which she didn't think she'd get to do. I'm happy for her and worried for her all at the same time. Go on over and give her some support as she battles an infection.

2. The gorgeous leaf color we've been getting because of all the 30 degree weather. (Fahrenheit for you non US-ians)

3. WOOO HOOOOOOOO PITTSBURGH! Sorry Cards. :( Pennsylvania is still the home of my heart.

4. Alternative music

5. The amazing variety and number of winter birds I've seen this year without even trying. (black & white warblers, ovenbirds, cedar waxwings, robins, blue-gray gnatcatchers, northern parulas, Baltimore orioles, hooded mergansers and more)

6. Less fatigue lately

7. Learning how to navigate school stuff (Getting smarter?)

8. Kashi original 7 grain crackers - forever indebted to you

9. French fries!!

ETA 10. Cute doggies who are fun to play with - especially ones who miss me. :)