Lists - Potential Places (Advice Welcomed!)

Here are our list of potential places to move. So far Virginia beats out other areas of the country for location, schools, weather and nearness to family. Pittsburgh has all of that going for it too except weather. I don't know that I can take real winter anymore! I could hardly take it in my early 20's!

If you have knowledge of any of these places, please feel free to advise on the school system, cost of living, jobs, crime, sense of community and just overall quality of life. Note that larger cities include the surrounding area. We'd most likely be looking for semi-rural suburbs.

1. Richmond, VA
2. Charlottesville, VA
3. Pittsburgh, PA
4. Annapolis, MD
5. Charlotte, NC
6. Raleigh, NC

North Carolina is going to have to pull a lot out of the hat for it to become a serious contender. We love the looks of it but have had warnings in other areas and it's not much nearer to family. I'm not keen on starting over completely from scratch with no support. Thanks in advance! Ease my mind!

Lists - Bad and Good

Dumping my worries and to-dos in black and white always seems to allow my mind to rest easier. It's as if I don't have to feel that all that needs to circulate in my head to mull over or so I don't forget. So here are my list of worries so I can sleep easier:

1. Our house is now valued at $113,000 less than what we bought it for (and it's not an upper end price in the first place) and is still falling.

2. I would just ignore it except for the fact that we'd like to move sooner rather than later and the down payment part of the loan was a balloon loan. (unscrupulous mortgage broker and naive new home buyers. Not getting into it here.)

3. It worries me that we have so few people near us that we can trust. (Why don't you yahoos on the gulf coast move this way huh? I kid, I kid. But seriously...)

4. As much as we want to move, we also don't. There's so much we've made here and so much we like. It's terrifying. What if we don't like where we move as much as we like it here?

5. The insurance company (the other guy's) covering my car is starting to worry me. After what seemed to be a strong, great start, we haven't been hearing back from them much, and a fax number we're supposed to use for our car seat reimbursement isn't working. It's the number listed on every official document/phone line they have.

6. I worry that they won't give me any compensation for loss in resale value on the car. And no matter how great the repairs, you know there is loss of resale value. People don't pay as much for a wrecked car. Period.

7. We are not in a position to afford losses that happened through no conceivable fault of our own. (He hit me as I sat at a red light. He wasn't paying attention.)

8. Speaking of cars, Hub's is on its last leg for reals and another payment now? YIKES

The Good:
1. On my good days, I revel in the thought of once again experiencing solid community and good schools even if it is years away.

2. Though E is definitely starting into defiant toddler zone and bedtime has become an issue again, going back to routine (the same one he shunned in favor of an easy straight to bed for a few weeks) has eased it somewhat.

3. Hub and I have been a great team. (Thanks Babe!)

4. We have some family visits coming up that are giving me a lot to look forward to.

I'm in a particularly pessimistic state of mind lately. The flashes of optimism are brilliant, but the other? Move over Debbie Downer! I think there's just too much shit jostling for space in my worry filled and yearning for change brain. Perhaps I should unload at least some of the moving stuff here in list form. Lists are miraculous and soothing.

Friends

Look what we got in the mail today! It was the perfect antidote for an otherwise insane, stressful crazy bunch of days at work and at home. We have such good friends (waves to you. You know who you all are.)

Hashing it Out - Should We Stay or Should We Go?

I remember reading John Grogan's Marley and Me a while back and enjoying his vivid descriptions of life in Florida. Something he discussed later in the book struck me however. He talked of how though he loved so much about living in Florida as a young couple, he just couldn't handle the thought of keeping his family there once they had all their children. I remember feeling a little shocked that he would think that way and wondering why he'd leave this gorgeous state to go back to the heinous shoveling and shivering that is northeastern country life.

Now though, I am starting to understand from whence he came. When I got pregnant, both of us knew we would miss family. Both of us knew we weren't pleased with certain non-family friendly aspects of our community and this state in general. But what we didn't know was that the way we raised and educated E would become the most important factor in our lives. I know, I know. It should have been a Duuuh thing. But though I worried most about education in this state, I genuinely thought there were enough pluses that we could make it work without too much strife. Then the only family we had here left, and that blew an even bigger hole in my comfort here.

Don't get me wrong. There are so many wonderful things about living here, and we've built some wonderful relationships that I'm loathe to leave. But we've decided that in the next 3-5 years, we are going to be working toward the possibility that we will leave this place for somewhere in the mid-atlantic to Northernmost Southern states. (I still can't abide the thought of too much snow and cold. Ugh)

Just as I did with my thoughts on where to go with our infertility struggle, I plan to hash out the issues, thoughts and tribulations we are having with this decision. You know me. I need to get it out. Verbal.. er.. written diarrhea allows my brain to unclench so that I make better decisions. I'll be looking to you as well dear friends for thoughts, suggestions and geographical expertise as we move through this process.

'Til next time.
FCiF (possibly future FFCiF)

A Few Bullets

• E seems better. I guess it just took a lot to recover from that fever/illness.
  
• Thanks so much for your advice and support!
• Despite my questions and uncertainties regarding some aspects of religion, when I tear up as the pastor blesses E, I know we are doing the right thing for us with the right church for now.
• There is more wrong with the car than initially suspected. Its future life hangs in the balance. I love that car!
  

E Sick Concerns

So ever since E's 104-105 fever broke, he hasn't been quite right. He was diagnosed with an ear infection, throat infection and some sort of viral tummy trouble. He's on an antibiotic (NOT the one that is so horrible for his belly thank God) and is about halfway done with it. He's been so very tired. He naps about 5 hours a day and still sleeps 11-12 at night. He seems tired, woozy and clumsy when he is awake. He also seems desperate. Much of the time he says, "GOOOOOOO? YEEEEEEEEESSS?" over and over and over. Picking him up and walking around or taking him for a car ride eases it. If the car stops for even a minute though, the chorus starts again. And if we can't do those things just that minute, he starts crying. It's not an, "I didn't get my way cry," but a desperate one. He's not eating well but seems very hungry. The hour or so before bed is the exception. Then he seems to get a tiny burst of energy and seems almost himself for a time. He eats very well and will run around playing a bit, though he's still clumsier than usual.

I have my thoughts on what could be going on but thought I'd turn to the wise internets for theirs as well. Help? We're very worried about him.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

Of course I would have loved any child I had madly and passionately. I would have loved him or her without reservation. However, I can say with an honesty from the depths of my soul that you are every single thing I ever wanted most in a child.

Love you always,
M

Accident, Sickness, Book and Thoughts Jumble

• Thank you so much for your wonderful responses to my cousin's post. It was so well written and hit such a chord that I couldn't imagine others not getting to read it.
• We are home today as E's fever spiked to a crazy 104.4 last night with medicine, and that was an ear reading. Doctor today said to stay the course.
• I envisioned writing a post about the accident, but I think it's just taken up so much of my time and energy the past few days that I don't want to devote that much thought to it. So you'll get some bullets instead.
• I'm upset that it had to be the "good" car. If Hub's car had been totaled (no a/c, 170,000 miles, lots of rattles) it wouldn't have been such a bad thing. My car is the first "nice" one I've ever had, it's so dependable and lovely, and I got it on such a good deal that I don't think I could find that again. (There's a chance it will be totaled due to the extensive damage to the wheel system in the back.)
• As much as the accident sucked, I felt so horribly for the old man who caused it. (Is that weird?) He seemed wracked with guilt, and his wife wanted to make up to the baby so badly she ran around picking flowers from the roadside for him. She didn't understand that it was the presence of strangers he was upset about and not the accident itself.
• The state trooper joked with E, handed him my driver's license (E loved that as he loves cards), and even gave him a stuffed Nemo.
• That's twice now I've had a great experience with this area's police force whether it be state or county.
• E called Nemo, "GOLGISH! (goldfish)" before promptly throwing him down and asking for his lovey back. He hasn't touched him since.
• I also just got a red light ticket by mail (camera intersection) because I was being a stupid mommy brain. It is another BAD month for finances. They seem to unfairly outweigh the good months.
  
• I just finished reading, Number the Stars by Lois Lowry (recommended by Jen). It's about the Danish resistance to their Nazi occupation and dedication to their Jewish countrymen during World War II as seen through the eyes of a child. It's one of the most wonderful books I've ever read. I will always read Jen's recommendations without hesitation.
  
• We are working on a new five year plan for our lives about which I will definitely need to write when I have the time to formulate the proper thoughts. Stay tuned.
  

Guest Post - The Need to do it "Right"

Intro by Barb:

I've often thought about having guest posts and about doing guest posts myself on other blogs. However, I am famously not that organized, and my blog tends to be more of a fly by the seat of my pants sort of thing. It's how I stay interested and motivated by it.

In any case, this week has been a little crazy. I was rear ended with E in the car yesterday. We are both fine, but the car may not be. It was completely the other guy's fault, so coverage (including rental car) is completely covered thank God. E also developed an ear infection and sore throat that evening, so we're having a few challenges.

Luckily for me, I've been wanting to post something my cousin wrote on her personal (protected) blog for quite a while. Warning: It's a Mommy struggles post, so if you're feeling sensitive, you may want to steer clear. But it struck quite a chord with me even though our circumstances are different. I love doing the house stuff and taking care of E, but I feel like I don't have the time to do it as well as I'd like, and I hate work for getting in the way even though I like what I do. Cousin is a fairly new stay at home mother of 2 - one (almost not!) toddler and one baby. Please enjoy and leave supportive comments. She'll be reading and can't get those comments on her private family blog!

So this might be a long post...

Hubby and I were talking the other day about how I'm usually "on top of things." Meaning that there isn't a whole lot that slips through the cracks around here - things are usually put away and organized in a reasonable time frame. Projects and to-do lists are completed in short order, and I'm usually thinking ahead on just about everything. Multitasking is second nature. There is rarely a moment when I'm not doing two things at once, or doing one thing and thinking about / planning for the next one.

Being on top of things was kind of "my thing." It was one of the things I really liked about myself; something that I felt set me apart from the crowd. Always dependable. Always prepared. Never a question about whether I took care of something I said I would. The question, "Oh, but did you think of X?" was almost always met with "Yes, I did think of X, and I already planned for it."

I'm not saying all this to be bragadocious, but just to lead up to my point...stay with me...

It was sort of like fun little challenges I could set for myself:

• I'm going upstairs - how many things can I grab from the living room that belong up there?
• Can I pack the car so well that there's room left over we didn't anticipate?
• How can I run these errands in an order that minimizes the time and gas I'm spending?
• How much money can I save at the grocery store through coupons and sales?
• Can I have the mail sorted by the time I get back up to the house?
• Can I fold littlest's laundry and put it away even though she's napping in there?
• Since we're going on vacation in 3 weeks, I'll start piling things up on the dining table now so I don't have to do it all at once and miss something.

Yes, it's very Type-A, and probably sounds like a ridiculous hassle, but I liked those little games I could play, and it felt good when I "won." The extra benefit was that things stayed nice and neat and organized and I never felt too overwhelmed.

However...these days I feel like I'm barely able to keep on top of things. Having both girls takes up a lot more time and energy that I was expecting. Physical and mental energy. Just to be clear - I would never give up staying home with the girls and certainly don't pin this on them, but the brain drain is just a change to my life that I was only sort of prepared for.

The bigger emotional bummer that comes with no longer being consistently on top of things is that even when I do manage to get stuff done promptly and in an organized fashion, it no longer feels fun. I said before that taking care of this stuff was like playing (and winning) little games all day, but now it's just necessary to stay afloat. I'm not winning anymore, I'm just breaking even. Barely.

I know I'm mixing metaphors here, but case in point - it's naptime and the littlest will likely be waking up in the next few minutes, so I'm trying to get it all out as quickly as possible.

I realize that this is only a short period in my life, and I tell myself every day that it's okay if the house is a little messy, or if I forget to return phone calls, or if I forget it's my turn to host playgroup until the day before, or if I don't wear the cute shoes and instead wear the same old ones because they're already downstairs and it's faster.

I know the girls will only be little for a short time, and I'm really trying to let this go so I can enjoy this season of life. But...it's still tough to "let go" of something that I feel is a huge part of who I am. Or I guess it's more accurate to say that I may not let go of it completely, but I have to make peace with "the games" just not being very fun anymore. Or to borrow from Charlie Sheen, to give up on "winning" for a while.

I know it's more important to be present in the small moments with my family, and I'm going to try and focus more on that instead of the ever-rising tide of STUFF that has to get done. Because it's only going to get crazier as they get older, right? :-)

Anyway. If you made it this far, congratulations...I'm going to head upstairs to get the littlest now, but not without taking some dirty bibs up with me to put in the laundry.

Soap Nuts Review

You'll remember that I bought some Eco Nuts and promised to let you know how they worked out. I think I've finally used them enough to feel like I have something useful to say.

Four to five dried berry husks are put into a small cloth bag and tied tightly. Then you simply throw them in with the laundry! I tried them first on some of E's light soil clothes and they still smelled after washing. Upon further research I found that even though they don't tell you, it's not advisable to wash in cold with these. It's ok to leave them in during the rinse cycle for that exact reason. The cold water doesn't work up enough lather to worry about. I had to re-wash these clothes. I think the makers assume you are washing in warm or hot, which is not always the most eco or pocket friendly, so I use cold in normal conditions.

Next I used their advice for heavily soiled laundry and soaked the nuts (in their bag) in hot water for a few minutes before adding it to the laundry. Then I washed in cold. The clothes came out smelling not-dirty, and in some cases pretty clean. Any sort of extra stains or soil didn't come out, so I recommend pre-treating with something in those instances. I feel that it worked well enough to use again though.

Finally, I threw them in the laundry after pre-soaking in hot and using warm for the wash. These clothes came out the cleanest.

So in summary, I wouldn't use econuts on your most heavily soiled clothes or in cases where you don't have the time to soak them in hot water first and want to use a cold wash. Don't throw away your regular detergent. Use eco nuts for most cases, but save the regular detergent for moderate to heavy soil.

Picture It

In the middle of Church service today there is singing and beautiful organ music. The music stops so that the sermon can begin. E, who has been "singing" along, opens his eyes wide, holds his hands out, palms up and says, "Wee HAP?" (translation: What happened?) Then, when he gets an unsatisfactory murmured answer with no immediate fix says again, "WEE HAP??? DADDY, Wee HAP?"

Funny Quote

"Elizabeth loves E. She just loves him in an Of Mice and Men sorta way."
-Jen of Here We Go Again

Positive Reinforcement Pt 3 - Setting Yourself up for Success

See Parts 1 and 2 for a refresher.

Before I get to implementing basic training techniques, I'd like to talk about ways to set yourself up for success. This is a pretty big phrase in the training world, and it makes a lot of sense. If you don't set up a situation that is conducive to learning and succeeding (just like in the classroom), your success rates are going to drop dramatically. There is no sense in trying to force learning when it's not happening. Also, get this in your head now, IT IS THE TRAINER'S FAULT WHEN SOMETHING DOESN'T WORK... ESPECIALLY with animals who haven't chosen their situation and don't understand emotional or behavioral control or morals. They do what they do and that's that. If you go into this endeavor realizing that when something goes wrong, you approached it in a way that needs to change, I promise you it will work better. You cannot control someone or something else's behavior, but you can control your own. Even if your plan or implementation is genuinely a good one, it doesn't mean it works for that individual. And if that's the case, you chose incorrectly and need to reevaluate. Some cases are too challenging for some people or have extenuating circumstances, and that is completely ok. That's when you ask for outside help.

OK, now that I've gone into my little speech, here are a few tips for success:

1. Try to think of this endeavor as a partnership rather than you being "the boss." As we discussed before, animals/people who feel invested in the training rather than dominated by it are more likely to respond with positive results.
2. Make sure the environment is not hindering your results. If your subject is distressed by noise and activity, try to keep most of their life more calm and introduce these things step by step.
3. Trust is IMPERATIVE. Again, as we discussed before, you are making deposits in a trust account so that you have something to draw against when you have to do something negative. (Example: a medical treatment that you have to hold your subject for) If you have enough deposits into that account, a few withdrawals won't set you back too far. In that vein...
4. If you are new with your subject, have a trusted individual participate in negative interactions until you've built up some rapport with positive ones. And one more...
5. Don't "lie" to your subject unless you have no other recourse. For example, if you bribe an animal by showing it a fistful of treats, they are going to know there was more than one. They may not know a number, but they know there are many. Don't show them the many and then reward them with one. It ruins trust. Would you like someone who told you you'd be paid $500 for a job and then gave you $100 when it was completed? Furthermore, don't show something better and then switch it with a smaller treat when the task is completed. Basically, "Bait and switch" is bad to them too.
   
6. Bribery is tricky. Bribing is a wonderful too, but needs to be used wisely. First off, try not to "lure" your subject too much. For example, if you show your dog a treat and then walk with the treat to get them to go where you want, it's likely you will lose them at some point when they think it's not worth it. You're "lying" to them by saying they'll get the treat if they come this far and then moving instead. Did you like it when your siblings told you to jump for something and then yanked it higher every time you tried? Instead, try cutting the treats up into smaller bits. Have the animal come to a certain point and always give them the treat when they get there immediately. Then move farther back and ask again until you get to where you want. You can always phase out those steps slowly later.
   
7. Furthermore, phase out bribing as soon as possible with new behaviors. As I said, it's a great tool for new behaviors, but over time, the subject starts to have the ability to think, "hmmm.. is this behavior worth that treat? What if I ask for more?" Then you find yourself upping the ante. Try as best you can to move to rewarding after the fact so that this can't happen.
8. Don't ask for a difficult behavior all in one big jump. TAKE SMALL STEPS. It's called "approximations." You want to approximate toward your end goal. If I told you it was possible to have an animal willingly put its rump to a station to have an injection, you'd probably think I was crazy, but it's completely possible. If I told you that it took 2 weeks and fifteen different steps to get there, it makes a lot more sense.
9. Also, relax criteria when working toward new steps or changing the environment. For example, when E and I were visiting Jen, she relaxed her strict criteria for Elizabeth as far as watching movies, eating certain foods and behaving calmly at the table. She was less strict and allowed the behaviors to flex more than usual because she is a smart trainer. Elizabeth's routine was thrown off completely and expecting completely routine behavior in that instance would have spelled disaster for her discipline this weekend. Now that things are more "normal," Jen has reestablished her stricter criteria.
10. When looking at reward, try reward that your subject will work for. Spend time understanding that. If it's an animal, make sure they are not overweight if you're using food (usually the smart choice.) Overweight animals often have no need to work. If they are trickier about what they'll work for, try to find a special desired item that they ONLY get when training. NO EXCEPTIONS. This works for children well as children (and spouses. ;-) can often get whatever food whenever they want. Try to keep a special treat as a reward only for special behaviors. For example, keep M&Ms on a shelf only for potty training or sharing behaviors. Give them immediately after a success. There are also those rare subjects that work best for attention only. Give them extra special praise, hugs etc if success is attained.
11. For newer behaviors, REWARD EVERY TIME. Rewarding every time is a good habit to fall into in any case because even when we mean to, we often forget, so it ends up being a "variable reinforcement schedule" anyway. If we try to set up a "variable reinforcement schedule," we often screw it up. And for new behaviors, consistent reward is very important.
12. And finally (for now) consistency is more important than anything else. How many of you have had a bad boss but learned how to deal with him or her? Now, how many of you have had a group of managers who are all bad and have a horrible time trying to adjust to what each one wants? Which is worse? Usually the group of bad bosses because you can't get into any sort of pattern of behavior that consistently works which sets up the whole team for some icky failure.
13. Training is fluid. Nothing is ever fully trained forever in every circumstance. There will always be fall backs. When there are, take a few steps back in your plan and recover the behavior. Don't keep asking for the finished result with no response. You'll lose the behavior.
    
14. Don't invest in training your subject when you know you are feeling cranky or unfocused or when they are showing no interest. Either you will have a lovely breakdown in communication or you will just train your subject that it's ok to ignore your efforts. Come back later when you are ready. Let whatever it is go for the moment.
15. Please, please, please establish a "bridge." The communication will be so much clearer. We will get to that in the next installment.
    

There is SO much more, but that's what we'll go with for now. Questions?

Catching Up

• Do you ever just want a do-over morning?
• On the plus side, it has been simply amazing to spend this much uninterrupted time with my son. I really really love it.
• Sleeping on Jen's new firm mattress has proven to me that ours has seen its last days. I work up with minimal aches and pains at her house despite sleeping with my barnacle. Here, I have back pain after one night and slept much less deeply.
• Speaking of that, does anyone have any mattress recommendations? I like firm ones. We want it to last a while, and we don't want one you can't flip. We'd also like to stay under $500 total. I know, I know, sleep numbers are wonderful, but we just can't do $1000 right now.
  
• The baby is still sleeping off his vacation hangover and loving on all his toys he missed. He also picked up SO much more in speaking and understanding just by being around Elizabeth. It's amazing. Now if you ask him if, for example, he has a cookie, he'll say, "Yes! I do!" So cute.
• We found out what's causing my breast pain. It's calcifications. None of them look alarming and 90% of the time it's harmless, so they'll just monitor every 6 mos for changes.
• Would someone like to go to work for me tomorrow? And give me the money?
• Didn't think so. If you knew what I did, there's a small chance you might.
• Tootles!
  

Vacation

Sea nettles at the GA aquarium

Our visit to Jen's was the first vacation we've had in a long while. Hub was away for a convention, so it was perfect timing for Jen's birthday. E and I had a blast. We had wonderful birthday hibache. E was afraid of the fire, Elizabeth loved it, and thus we sum up their personality differences. We had delicious homemade food (Mel's chicken! Homemade pasta!) We met up with another lovely blogger whose writing I like very much and saw her beautiful boy. On that outing we spent time in centennial park in Atlanta where E found that fountains that spray up from the ground are the ultimate in awesome water sport. He's the only one who got soaked I'll have you know. Many things scare him, but water is exempt.

We also got to go see the beautiful Georgia Aquarium where E found great fun in the otters, belugas and anemones. OK, so the anemones were fun because the word is apparently hilarious. The very militant seeming woman manning the anemone pool did not find any of it funny. She was too worried about guarding Jen's parenting skills and didn't seem fond of the little ones.

But mostly, we hung out, traded Mom favors and had a good time. It was amazing to see how quickly Elizabeth and E fell into big sibling/little sibling roles. She put her feet on him, he tattled, (Mooommyyyy!!! Ahah!), She pushed him down, he cried. She got near him, he ran away. It was pretty funny really.

It was wonderful spending time in Jen's home. I missed it. Her hometown is just beautiful too. It reinforces our desire to move somewhere that still has a sense of community like that. I so want E to experience that. If only it was economically feasible.

I leave you with a shot of E enjoying Elizabeth's kitchen and one more funny baby interaction...

Elizabeth hits E with a toy.

E (crying): Why DO dat?

Elizabeth: Here YO-win (I dare you to guess his name from that), want a fairy? Here's a fairy.

E ignores her.

Note that offering a fairy is a pretty big deal for Elizabeth. She must have been feeling mighty guilty.

Preview of Funny Baby Interactions

Dibits walking around as E trails her and then later looms over her as she lies flat on the floor.....

E, "Ha poop? Poop? Okaaay? Poop?"

Welcome to the 30s!

Welcome to the club Jen! The 30's is a good decade. And I'm not just saying that. Go over and wish her a happy 30th.

And no, I can't say as I'll be wearing any bows... or hearts... or pink. But keep hoping if it makes you happy!

Awesome

It's so incredibly awesome that we live in a place where you can be woken up by the giant sonic boom of a space shuttle returning back home on its last mission.... even if you when you awake your eyes are saucers and your heart stuttering with thoughts of nearby explosions. (Baby didn't even stir)

Note: Things are a little busy around here due to some impending trips (and continued teething and growing) you may or may not know anything about.