How about a quickie?

I'm so sleepy, but I feel a strong need to update; thus, the quickie.

I've been on 1000mg of Met for 3 days now and so far so good!  I've had a few little mistakes, but nothing like that first attempt.  I've found that it helps a LOT to take the first one at lunch time rather than breakfast. Early morning is always difficult for my system anyway.

So much for the stirrings of fall.  It has been so steamy that I fear my face will melt off. 

A wonderful woman I've "known" for quite a while during our wonderful ttc process is trying to work her way through some difficult decisions about her lifestyle and health.  She has PCOS like me along with a good probability of diabetes.  If anyone wants to weigh in on her vegetarian eating dilemma, please hop over and give her some advice.  Or you know what? Encouragement would be awesome too. She's an intelligent, well-spoken, empathetic woman who could use some help.

Click on An Older Version of Me.

Thanks!

First Fun Food Friday!!

I have been waiting with anticipation for this post. I confess that I already have a written list of foods I'd like to showcase in this series. However, since my excitement over one find was particularly acute, I decided that my first Fun Food will be spaghetti squash! (If you'd like the info on what this is all about, check out this post.)

I had heard about spaghetti squash from an acquaintance who had lots of unfortunate food allergies and was always on the lookout for things she could eat. She swore that spaghetti squash was quite good and worked with all kinds of seasonings and sauces. I was slightly hesitant, and it was also difficult to find. But then we got Whole Foods, and my food horizons broadened considerably! I picked up the squash there a few days ago after 2 very unfortunate incidents that forced me to accept that I can no longer eat pasta as my whole meal - even if it is whole grain.

Spaghetti squash is easy to make and a delight to eat. There are multiple methods of boiling, microwaving, crockpotting (sounds vaguely illegal) and baking it, but I chose the latter. This vegetable basically looks like an elongated, smooth, pale yellow melon or pumpkin. All I had to do was cut it in half to dish out the pumpkin-like seeds and guts, then place it cut-side down in a shallow baking pan with approximately 1/4 to 1/2 inch of water. I baked it at 375 degrees for about 40 minutes (or until the flesh is tender), and it was done! While it was cooking it filled the house with a tantalizingly light, sweet aroma. It was almost like a very faint sweet potato casserole.
Needless to say, anticipation in our house was high for this new food experience.

When it was done, I left it out to cool before scraping the flesh out of the rind in long strands with a fork. That, along with the guts part, was reminiscent of childhood Halloweens spent readying pumpkins for their transformation. So even though it was a dirty, messy job (especially in my hands), I had fun doing it. It was also cool to see that it really did deserve its name!

The smell as I was scraping the flesh was wonderful. I even made Hub come over and stick his face in it. Of course we had to try it before we even seasoned it. It was surprisingly good; lightly sweet, slightly crisp, and a trace of pumpkin. Since pumpkin is one of my favorite foods EVER - this squash found a sweet spot in my heart fast.

We tried it 2 different ways. Since I was craving my burgundy marinara like crazy, but couldn't eat pasta, we used that. Then, later, I mixed it with melted butter, agave nectar and cinnamon. YUM! How many foods can you make that are a side dish and the dessert? If you couldn't tell, I'm smitten.
A+ for spaghetti squash!

The PCOS lowdown: This veggie does pack some sugar. Hence the sweet taste. However, it's much better for you glycemic index wise than eating the same amount of pasta. It's also high in fiber, potassium, and vitamins B6 (important for gynecological problems) and C. Bonus - if you're trying to lose weight, it's very low in calories.

Other bloggers like fun food too!

1. One Day Two Day - White Bean Tomato Soup

The Love-Fest Continues

DH found some of those files he hid from me! (look at me - instigating) Anyway, in them were our vows. Obviously I used Hub's real name in them though. I had a very difficult time saying them because of the rock lodged firmly in my throat and the pools in my eyes, but I managed. I was quite proud I got through it at all. Hub even got a little teary.

ME (I have no idea why the highlight is here & don't have the patience to dig through the html to figure it out)
Hub, today I take you to be my husband. You complete my life - My love, my greatest supporter, mentor and friend.

From this day on, I will cherish you and encourage your dreams and individuality so that you may continue to shine and grow as you have allowed me to do.

From this day on, I will nurture our marriage and smile with you through anything life throws us. You have given me my greatest strength and my greatest happiness.

All that I am I give to you and all that I have I share with you.

Whatever the future holds, I will love you and stand by you,

As long as we both shall live.

HUB
Barb, today I take you to be my wife

From this day on, through good times & bad, I will live with you, grow old & change with you, & do all that I can to keep our marriage strong & happy, & alive with possibilities.

From this day on, I will cherish you, & look forward with joy at our future peace and happiness, knowing we will walk together, side by side, hand in hand, & heart to heart.

Where there has been cold, you have brought warmth,
Where my life has been dark, you have brought light,
From this day on, I swear to be to you everything you already are to me.

Whatever the future holds, I will love you and stand by you,

As long as we both shall live.

I think we chose wisely, as those words remain true today. I look back at those innocent beginnings and think about how little we really knew of the world and the tests that would come our way. But I'm proud that no matter how naive we were, we knew that we were devoted to one another. We set up the foundation on that day that would bring us to where we are now - still happy, still supportive. Hub is an amazing man with depths of empathy, grace, light and strength that I don't think I could find anywhere else. Thank God he married me.

A Silk Purse from a Sow's Ear*

I think my grocery shopping yesterday was a success! I researched some low sugar alternatives online before heading out to buy lots of snacks and meals that I could eat without GI meltdown. My increased dosage is coming up again, and this time I'm going to be ready! My side effects have almost disappeared though, and for that I am thankful.

I bought lots of great new things I've never tried before. I'm sure there will be hits and misses, but it's exciting if nothing else. If you've read this blog for very long at all, you know my loving devotion to food. The hub and I are food-a-holics. If we were more affluent, you could probably call us "foodies." It's to the point where if it's really well done or gourmet food, I'll try almost anything - even if it's something I don't normally like. Good food makes me swoon.

That's why it's so bloody** difficult to deal with diet restrictions. At the same time though, it's a fun challenge. It broadens my palate horizons. Because of these things, I decided to do Fun Food Fridays! Seussgirl seemed to like the idea, so I was emboldened by that single voice. (doesn't take much)

So here's the deal: Every Friday I will write a post about a food I've tried and what the results are. If you'd like to join me, there are a few rules.

• If you can't do it exactly on Friday, that's fine. Just leave a comment in my blog with the location of your post and the title so I can add it to my normal Friday post.
• The food has to have some redeeming factor to infertility other than being delicious. For example, dairy is supposed to be a no-no for endometriosis, but you've found a great recipe that makes it easier to forgo dairy. Or it could be foods that are good alternatives for gluten allergies. It could even be foods that feature some component that's supposed to be good for fertility (i.e. rosehips, green tea, etc). If could even be just a healthy food in general. My features will almost all be things low on the glycemic index and that are beneficial for PCOS. (That was a LONG bullet point!)
• Link back to my Friday post on your post so that people can check on everyone else's food updates
• OR - copy and paste the list to your own post.

What do you think? I can't wait! Even if it's just me doing it, it will be fun for me anyway. :)
ETA: The Food does not have to be a recipe. It can be a single food, a snack, an additive, whatever. :)

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*I actually really like pigs and think their ears are just dandy as is.
**I know I'm not a Brit, but bloody was just the right word for that sentence.

Bullets and Strife

Hey there! I'm not really feeling very introspective today, and there's a lot going on, so how about a bullet list? Then maybe I'll update a little on the Metformin debacle.

• It's still hot as blazes, but yesterday I noticed that the morning sun had a slightly fall-like cast to it. Hallelujah!
  
• It's also been cooler at night - meaning our electric bill will go down. Whew!
• I dreamed about pregnancy again last night. It was exhilarating. Funny though how in my dreams, I never realize I'm pregnant until the baby basically begins kicking.
• I also have been having some tantalizing type dreams. They're almost never graphic though. I've decided it's because I just love the delicious anticipation of what may come next. So in my dreams, that just drags on and on and on...
• We found a wonderful little Mom & Pop Italian place! (Best Marsala EVER)
  
• Perhaps the Met is doing something good since I'm having those dreams this early in my cycle, and my bbt is fairly stable for once.
  

So here's the deal with the Met. Endo had told me to take the 500mg for a few days and then up to 1000mg. I decided to try the 1000mg on Thursday. I will never again do that at work. I will always up when I'm home. I was already drowsy from the 500mg, but when I took the other pill, my stomach protested violently. And when I say violently, think about a bad food poisoning episode and you've about got it. There was almost nothing I could eat! Even the thought of most foods had me eying the nearest bathroom warily. I almost skipped out of work early. The only things that saved me were 2 pepto tablets, one immodium and the fact that I really did eat nothing the rest of the day. I was starving but not willing to sacrifice myself like that. Now I know the real reason why people lose so much weight on Met.

I called the doctor and she suggested that I go back to 500mg for a week or until all my side effects disappear - including the drowsiness. Then I can up it back to 1000. I'm so gun shy now that I think I may just cut the second 500mg in half to make it 750 for a few days just to be sure. My body has slowly been returning to normal since then, but I've been uber cautious. Dear Hub made me some eggs to take with me for work on Saturday, and that's all I ate for breakfast. Then I had a small cup of Mott's peach (no sugar added) applesauce for a snack. I was so hungry for lunch that I risked a whole wheat bread sandwich with unseasoned chicken breast, one very small slice of cheese, tomato and a lettuce leaf. That went down ok! Now I'm off to the grocery store to try to buy foods that I can actually eat. It's much more expensive to be sure, but I'm willing to give this therapy a serious try, and to do that, I have to have foods I can handle. I still plan on posting some of my yummy ideas, but just haven't gotten around to it. Maybe I could do it on Fridays and call it Fun Food Fridays?

XO and wish me luck.
FCiF

Blurbs

I'm very sad that the Olympic Games are over.  China did a phenomenal job with the ceremonies and the venues.  I just wish I had been able to catch some of the Equestrian events. Darn NBC.  

Maybe tomorrow I'll chat a little about my adventure into Metformin side-effect land when I bumped up to 1000mg.  But tonight I'll just dream about the Olympics and the fact that one of the people who causes me the most sadness will not be much in my way soon. Wahoo and happy day!

I'm thinking maybe I should look into Twitter.  I have so many of these little blurbets...

Just a Spoonful of Sug.. er.. mm.. maybe not

It's day four of Metformin! Endo said I should take the 500mg for a few days before bumping up to 1000mg. I think tomorrow will be the big day! For the first time ever (including last time I took Met), I will be on a big girl dose. So far it's been going pretty well except for the bloating and a few lapses* in judgment that caused some... hmm.. how shall I saw this politely.... digestive system angst. I'm on the extended release too, so I hope that helps.

Oh, and hey... it's raining. Didn't know if you'd noticed.**
____________________________________________________

*For those of you who don't know - eating sugar with Met is like feeding cottage cheese to a lactose intolerant person. (which I also am. sigh)
**That's a shout out to my Florida peeps. You're welcome for the sarcasm. I hope it brightened your day since the sun certainly isn't.

Housekeeping Note

I'm sorry I've been lax about blog comments! I'm back into them! I like to answer blog comments within each blog's list because I really believe that blogs are a great opportunity for great big conversation. I always love it when I can read what's been said and how the author responded all right there instead of only seeing half the conversation. I hope you don't mind. :)

Through Rain, Sleet and Snow...

... or through wind and tornadoes if you live here right now. That's my obgyn! He will brave the elements for his patients! Actually, it hasn't been that bad at all (except to the local media who desperately need for us all to be in mortal danger for the ratings). But when Dr. P. came into the room and gave me his customary hug he boomed, "So here you are my weather tight friend!" Don't worry. He's a little off, but it's a good off if you know what I mean.

I've mentioned Dr. P before. He's my other favorite doctor. I love him to pieces. I've never seen "Dr. T and the women," but when I visit there, I always think to myself, "It's Dr. P and the women!" Seriously, is the doctor in that movie beloved by his patients? Or am I unknowingly insulting Dr. P? In any case, Dr. P. is very busy and very sought after. It's difficult to get a first time appointment with him. And once I started going there, I found out why. He's the most genuine, caring, good doctor I've met in a long time. He's humble but confident and intelligent but not condescending. Tell me how often you find those traits in a doctor!

He is another chart reader and even seems to remember who. I. AM! After his brisk greeting (I always feel like I'm in the presence of a true whirlwind when he's around... a kind and caring whirlwind, but crazy just the same), he spun right into, "Have you lost weight? You look skinny! Don't worryit'sthegoodkindoflosingweight! Don't lose anymore! You look good!" I explained to him about the synthroid, my tsh - all that jazz. He very carefully noted all the changes that have happened since we last spoke and declared his intention to get more records from the RE. He remembered what had been going on with my pregnancy attempts and is always just the right mix of sympathetic and optimistic with nary a trace of assvice. have I mentioned that I love this man?

So now he's on the wagon with Endo as well. They are going to tag team to help me be healthy and possibly help me get pregnant. Just like Endo, he said, "If you get pregnant, you call me immediately! You need to come in the very next day! Tell them I said so!! And just in case, here is the name of a compounding pharmacy and a script for progesterone suppositories!" RE#2 didn't even attempt to help me get the compounded suppositories. Endo also told me that if I get pregnant that my first call was to be to the obgyn, then her immediately. (then she allowed that maybe I could tell DH in there sometime too.) Dr. P said, "We don't want another luteal phase loss or any other loss for that matter! We'd keep you on the Met (glucophage) for 12 weeks just to be sure!"**

Sigh. I love it when doctors take care of me and let me have a say in my treatment.
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**While doing the exam, one other thing he said was, "Sorry honey. I know that's uncomfortable. I know this isn't your favorite test. Heck, if it was me, I've often thought I'd be kickin' the guy who's down there in the head. He also told me I have "dense um.. girls" and that they are going to be lumpy like that forever, but as long as the lumps are my normal lumps it's all ok. They never seemed lumpy to me. Aaah Dr. P. Gotta love 'im.

Happiness is a Good Doctor

I love my endocrinologist. Have I said that lately? Even If so, I don't think I've said it enough. I wonder if good doctors understand the urge from a battle scarred infertile to kiss their feet? Just in case they don't, I think I'll refrain.

Obviously I had a good visit today. They offices have moved to a swanky new building, and isn't it sad that something that small puts a spring in my step? Hey - I'm all for anything that makes medical appointments even slightly less tedious. I did wait a long time as usual. That doesn't bother me though because I know she's going to really take the time to talk to me as well. I never feel that she's rushing me out of there, and I always feel that she has a firm grasp on who I am and what my problems are. Get this. She reads my chart! Hell, at this point, I feel grateful that even one of my doctors deigns to actually see me each time instead of relegating me to the nurse who will relay all my questions and relay their commands back.

OK, so I'm in a sarcastic, digressing kinda mood. Sorry about that. The sarcasm isn't for my endo. I'm serious about liking her. So where was I? Oh yes - the appointment. My bloods came back about the same. My LDL cholesterol is slightly higher than it was last time, but we're going to keep an eye on that. I'm still working on it. She also thinks that my FSH to LH ratio is slightly off balance and indicative of PCOS. That's the only blood level that points to the disease. I do have the acne and some hair growth though. I know you guys want to hear all about my mannish, teenage lookin' self. ;-}

We talked a bit about what is going on and agreed that I would try glucophage again on a more effective dose. RE only had me on 500mg. Please everyone, cross your fingers, knock on wood, pray to your idols - anything that will help this work. At this point, I'm inclined to think that hopping three times over the cracks in my sidewalk when the moon is in its third phase and while wearing boxers on my head is just as likely to get me ovulating and pregnant as anything else.

Now those of you who have been on glucophage remember that eating sugar can be slightly disastrous. So I am going to need moral support. I've already cut out a lot of the sugar in my diet, but I have been a little lax lately. It's also very difficult to stay away from white grains as that seems to be the bulk of the American diet. I prefer whole grains. It's just that they aren't always available. I've already been bad today. See - I've been craving chewy Spree. I don't know why. I generally don't care much about super sugar candy. All I know is that I saw a little girl eating some recently and had to fight the urge to knock her down and run with the candy. Yes. I am that person. I would steal candy from a baby. So since I knew that chewy Spree is going to be quite the bullet in my household from now on, I decided that I needed to indulge myself this one last time before the medicine! I'm sucking on some of them right now as a matter of fact. I also have AF like it's nobody's business so I talked myself into thinking that I deserved an indulgence. (Although right about now it's tasting a little over-sugared and not as glorious as I remembered it.)

Endo also said that she is completely cool with me going to my TCM. We both thought that it's better though to see what the glucophage does first. I'm stripping down all the layers of my treatment instead of throwing everything at my body like RE wanted to do. I'm finding out what really works. And you know what? The endo agrees with me. She gets it. Woo hoo!

Gotta run. Time to ready the house for possible loss of power tomorrow.

Celebrate!

Last night we celebrated our anniversary. I came home to a home cooked dinner of sinigang (sin-ee-gaang) from the Hub. It was tartly delicious as always! Then we exchanged gifts. We usually go away for our big anniversaries but we've already traveled quite a bit this year. So, instead of just going out to eat (our usual for small ones), we exchanged gifts as well! I got SingStar with the 80's version of the game! We promptly sang some duets together. I was so incredibly excited that one of my favorite songs to sing, "Tainted Love" is on it. He's such a good dooby, that Hub.

He also got me Clinique Happy Heart perfume. Mmmmm it smells so light and delicious. I've been craving it as an every day perfume ever since I got a sample years back. My night time perfume is Roots (a Canadian company) for her. It's light too, but a little more fancy smelling to me. My Grandmother has a particular perfume that Grandfather bought for her every year and which she wore every day. It smells amazing on her and so comforting. Every time I catch that scent, it brings back a flood of good memories and feelings. I've been searching for a signature scent for myself, and I think I've found it. Grandfather left the granddaughters all a bottle of Grandmother's perfume before he died, but it just doesn't smell as luscious on my skin as it does on hers.

As for what I got Hub, I bought a Norman Rockwell book he'd been craving and surprised him with a reservation for Discovery Cove! Friends gave us coupons for a drastically reduced entry price, and I wanted to jump on it since Anheuser-Busch was recently bought out by that Belgian company. Who knows what will happen to the parks. We won't be doing the dolphin experience, but the rest should be great fun! We won't be going until October, but I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. He seemed very genuinely surprised and excited. I was so glad because it's quite difficult to surprise Hub.

After that, we left for some dessert at Seasons 52! When we got there though, Hub saw a delicious chipotle shrimp and pepper flat bread with feta that he just had to have. We shared that (with me scraping off the shrimp - yuck!) before ordering our flight of indulgence. That's a whole rack of little shot glass sized desserts all ours for the tasting. That was the true reason we went there. We paired them with espresso and the best chamomile tea I think I've ever had. It's a beautiful restaurant with great service and food and a great philosophy. If any of you are near one, I encourage you to try it.

To cap off the night, we wandered into Barnes & Noble and drooled over a lot of new books we'd like to try. When we left, the full moon sky was breathtaking, and the night was smooth and balmy. It was a really delightful anniversary.

Little Updates: Kathy V had the idea that we should share the story of how we met. That was a great idea, and I might just do that! The only problem is, how to keep a modicum of anonymity while doing so. We'll see how I can manage.

And yes, there is a possible tropical storm or hurricane coming this way, but right now it doesn't look like it will be too bad. We will stock up some just in case, and obviously secure everything, but we're not too frightened. To me, tropical storms and the low end of category 1 hurricanes are pretty much extended, very bad thunderstorms - no worse than some of the really bad nor'easters we got in the winter up north. (except for that whole flooding thing).

And hey - GO MICHAEL PHELPS! That was an awesome job by the whole U.S. Men's swim team! I loved what they had to say afterward.

The Best Single Day of my Life

Songs in our Wedding

Prior to ceremony: Piano music played by my friend. I can't remember which ones.

Seating: I Will Love You - Fisher (sung by my cousin)
At Last - Etta James (CD)
For the life of me, I cannot remember my processional and recessional music!! It's making me very sad! Our VCR is dead, and Hub deleted my notes from the wedding. :( Heather, do you remember? If so, help!

For some reason I'm thinking Pachelbel's Canon
and Vivaldi - "Spring" from the Four Seasons
I know that my friend played the piano for it, and a wonderfully nice guy who lived in my tiny village and was a few grades ahead of me in school played the trumpet. I LOVED it. He tried to only charge me $30, so I gave him a $15 tip. He said it was since he wasn't "professional." He also sang though, and he was so unbelievably great. Our whole wedding was filled with family and friends helping us through it. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

So I sure got sidetracked!

Then we had my stepfather walk me halfway down the aisle and then hand me off to my Dad. When the pastors asked "who gives this couple" or something like that, all 6 parents stood and said, "We do" together. Then they sat and we all had a moment of remembrance for the family members who couldn't be with us. Many of them were buried right outside the little church in which we were married. That same little church married my great grandma, my grandma and my mom (to her second husband). It sits on the mountaintop of that beautiful home I showed you a few posts back.
My Dad then passed me to Hub and sat down.

We had 2 wonderful readings from dear friends of the Hub. One was from Maya Angelou and the other from Corinthians (of course).

We wrote our own vows, and if I can find all those files that Hub snitched and stowed somewhere, I will type them up so you can see them.

Our unity candle was a green candle with Japanese maple leaves embossed on it. That guy friend sang, "Ave Maria."

And after our kiss, that guy friend again sang, "A Kiss to Build a Dream On" - Louis Armstrong.
He even played some of the trumpet part for it. sigh. I played the flute regularly for 8 years and was in theater and chorus, so I appreciate all that stuff so much.

In the reception our songs were thus (played by a sweet DJ friend of the family):
First Dance: Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
"Parent" Dance: What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong
The Dance where you find the longest married couple - As Time Goes By - Frank Sinatra
Cake Cutting song - When I'm 64 - The Beatles

Other Highlight Songs: Sea of No Cares - Great Big Sea, I (Could Only) whisper your name - Harry Connick Jr., Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison (for my brown eyes, and also a college favorite), The Sweetest Thing - U2, Where my Girls At - 702 (for my Bridesmaids.. our college song ;), One Week - Barenaked Ladies, some swing songs and lots of other fast stuff.

What a fun, wonderful exercise that was. You guys should try it! I did not mean to stay up this late doing it. Time for bed!

Happy Things

I usually write a list of happy things when I'm feeling happy. That is precisely a 180 degree difference from how I feel right now. Despite that fact, I have found a few things that make me very happy indeed. And it's probably most important to find those little havens of bliss when I'm miserable overall. So here goes - the diamonds amongst the sh*t.

1. The feeling I get from belonging to an incredible community of bloggers who are so supportive and caring even though I've never met most of them. Knowing that you care, and that you think I'm worth it means so much.

2. The lovely luke-warm (vs. steam vents from Hell) breezes we've been getting the past few days. Aaaaaah. Fall is coming.

3. OUR ANNIVERSARY IS SOON!

4. Hub - always (or at least 99.9% of the time. ;)

5. The silky, rich decadence that is Cashew Butter - mmmmm

6. The Olympics

7. Working with Malabrigo yarn again.

How I Really Feel

Hey there. One more thing. I'm feeling so emotional and hormonal today, that I know tomorrow is going to be difficult with all the charged meetings I am supposed to attend. One of those involves a certain someone I've mentioned before on this site who treated me very poorly in the past. My reaction to her and her lucky life is beyond all proportion at this point. Just being around her sometimes causes me emotional pain.... about the infertility, about how our relationship devolved, about my self-esteem. I think I'm going to need to get out of this situation. As much as I'd like to be an adult and work through it, I think this is a time when I'm going to need to seek a transfer or a temporary assignment somewhere else. Our problems as a team have just gotten so big, and my reaction to her so ridiculous that it's no longer worth it to put myself through that.

So please lend me some of your happy, strong thoughts as I plow through tomorrow.

He Really Loves Me!

Hey there. Feeling a little crampy, crabby, achy. I sure hope this means that AF is on her way so I can get this cycle over with. I'm on my sixth day of Provera, and my doctor's appointments are next week. I'm also dreading going back to work. How crappy is that? I'm hoping to find some sort of relief from that soon.

In the meantime, I can distract myself with thoughts of our upcoming anniversary. Hub tells me wonderful things often, but he rarely links a song to our relationship, or gets all doe-eyed at a movie. That's why, when he told me that he really liked this song because it made him think of me, and when he actually even played it for me, I was completely tickled. It's called "My Best Friend" by Weezer. (Love that Weezer)

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
'Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
Yes I do...
Yes I do

A Big Day is Nearing!

Hub and I have been together for 10 years, but our 5 year wedding anniversary is coming up very soon! I fear that many posts in the coming days will have to do with that. I will strive to not gag you with the professions of my undying love. If you're nice to him, perhaps Hub will help with that by pulling a few stunts to distract me from those professions.

Anyway, to celebrate I'm posting a song that always makes me think of Hub and our situation. It's "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

We have done pretty much everything on our own, and it's been hard, and I can't even begin to tell him how much I love him. Words fail. The words and slow rhythm also somehow invoke a peace about this whole infertility thing. Sometimes I really do just want to lie with him and just forget the world. It's been particularly hard lately. I'm back to the sight of babies causing tears at the back of my eyes. Anyway, this song resonates with me.

Coming soon: Hub's song for me, and later, the songs we had at our wedding. It's an anniversary celebration!

Realization...

Hey - I just realized... I edit my posts a lot because I'm a perfectionist. Does that trick all you people who have the blog "readers" into checking my page for updates? If so, oops! Sorry 'bout that.

By the way... feeling wordy today. I may be posting a lot the next few...

Show and Tell

Finally! I'm ready to unveil my second super secret knitting project! The intended recipient finally received it. I had it slated to be finished before her baby was born, but alas, it took months longer to finish than I anticipated. Anyway, here it is... my first blanket.

The little girl reportedly loves it. I'm so glad. I had a blanket much like this when I was little. I called it my "blankie," and it followed me everywhere. Mom had to sneak it from under my arms to wash it and repair its edging. I remember pushing my finger into the little fold of satin and rubbing back and forth as I drifted off to sleep. The contrast between the soft knit and silky satin was a pleasure.

Now for the show & tell aspect... Knitting this thing took me a lot longer than I had anticipated. Sewing the border around the edges by hand was excruciating after taking that long to finish the knit portion. But sew it I did! There were a lot of mistakes since I am not a seamstress, but I kept sending little prayers of thanks to Heaven for my Grandma who taught me to sew in the first place.

All in all, this project really made me think a lot about my Grandma and all the wonderful times we spent together sewing, crocheting, reading and drinking tea. Then I remembered the quilt my Grandma had made for me before she died. She hand sewed every section of that quilt, not knowing with each day if she would live to complete it. She did. Each quilt took her months of cutting, sewing and piecing. She would draw her own designs on cardboard to use as decorations for inside the squares, and she spent hours in fabric stores looking for the best matches for her projects. She had extreme arthritis and would poke her fingers with needles often, but she kept doing it because it was her way to feel useful and to show her love. Remembering all that made me feel like a wimp for taking so long with this comparatively small project.

Here's the quilt Grandma finished and hid away for me about 24 years ago.

(Thanks to the Hub for posing with it. ;-)

I remember her asking me what my favorite colors were. I told her they were blue and green. They still are. I feel a rush of warmth and love every time I touch the soft, age worn fabric of this beautiful blanket. I imagine that she intended it to remind me of her love. It does.

I can't believe how perfect and tiny each stitch is. She was truly an artist.

I'm so proud of my Pennsylvania Dutch roots, and even more proud of the Grandma who helps me remember them. I always think of my infertility as the wake-up call in my life. It's the reminder that I can't always be so lucky and can't have everything go my way. Because honestly, I have been so incredibly blessed in my family, my marriage and just life in general that I almost wasn't surprised that I should have a big hurdle like this to humble me.

My first, and one of her last...
Someday, I intend to do the same for my grandchildren.

What's an obsessive girl to do?

So here I am - sleepy, hot, bleh. I'm actually ok, and am trying to decide how to finish my night. Hubs is away, and lucky girl that I am, I have lots of distractions on hand. I've already caught up on some of my internet wanderings. Speaking of that; I answered some of your questions about the "Housekeeping" post, and will continue to update as you advised me when I feel more into it. My other "distractions" are calling more to me at the moment. When you work long hours and have to drag your still sleeping ass out of bed at 5am, there are definite priorities placed on "play" time.

So here's the deal. I am 3/4 done with Breaking Dawn. I know some hate the direction the story took, but I love it. I think it's the most tightly written of the series. Saying that, it is a definite departure from the others. It's been quite difficult to stay away from it long enough to even do the little surfing that I've done. Maybe I should start on that now so that I can get some good reading time in before bed. I started reading the book the other night after it had arrived in the mail that day. I was so excited about it that I didn't want to put it down to go to sleep. Hubs reminded me that I had an early start and that I should turn in. I reluctantly plopped the book down beside the bed and snuggled under the covers.

I made a valiant effort at sleeping. Truly I did. But every time I closed my eyes, Bella, Edward and Jacob danced behind my lids. So - like a thief, I crept out of bed. I knew that if I turned the light on to read, Hubs would see the light under the door and come to talk sense into me. So instead I convinced myself that I just needed to read for 10 more minutes and dragged the book into our master bath. It was just like when I used to read under the covers with a flashlight when I was little. (Unfortunately our flashlight is broken, or I would have taken that route.) I pressed my back against the vanity and sat on the tiny throw rug for whatever comfort it could offer my little bum on cold tile.

Almost two hours later, I heard Hubs open the bedroom door. I huddled into the corner and waited for the inevitable. He opened the door and looked at me with wide, incredulous eyes. "You little goof!" he said. "What are you doing in here?" Even though he was flabbergasted, he couldn't help but chuckle a little. I know I looked guilty as hell. I threw my arms around his neck and confessed my addiction. I hadn't even realized the time. Thus, I got less than 4 hours sleep that night. Yes, that's right, FOUR. I'm a dumbass, but I like to tell the story anyway. I get a kick out of us.

Oh! So where was I?? Oh yes - my other "distractions." Well, I also am suddenly really into "Don't Forget the Lyrics." I thought it would be dumb before I saw it, but they did such a good job of inviting really likable, fun people to the show that I can't help but sing along with them! The one time DH saw it with me, we both sang and enjoyed ourselves immensely. I also think Wayne Brady does a great job of being approachable and fun.

To go along with that show, I recently started a really cool knitting project that my hands are itching to get back to. I could do both of those ideas at the same time! Maybe I'll do that, and then read just a little bit before bed. Think I can do it? Less than 2 hours before bedtime!!!

Must Be Brief

• Weather - Hades
• Work - Don't even ask
• Cycle - CD 58 & Nothing (Provera starting tonight)
• Hub - my lifeline at the moment

Otherwise - must.... finish.... Breaking Dawn..... sooooooooo addicted.... help!

Housekeeping

I finally got around to rearranging my blog links and updating my profile! I was feeling ambitious today. Chalk it up to surviving my bloodletting session.

Anyway, you'll notice that I have 2 different categories for my blog links now. If you are unhappy with where you are, please let me know. Know that even though you may still be trying and have children, I wanted people to know the difference between those blogs with people who have had no successful pregnancies and those who have, or seem to be having one. That's where it gets murky. I didn't switch some those of you who seem to still be questioning your status to the "successful" category until I found out what you prefer. If you are currently expecting, and feel comfortable enough to move to that category, please let me know, and I'll take care of it asap. Also, if you used to be in my link list, and are now missing, shoot me a note. I seem to lose things when I try to move them around. Cool?

OK. General announcements over. Now that I have a minute or two, I'm going to go catch up on my reading. Tootles!

Saint Ange

I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams lately (largely due to work), and the fertility related ones have crept back up on me since it's been on my mind. The night before last, my dream self was bemoaning my lack of baby when I suddenly looked down and realized that I was 4 months pregnant! I had forgotten! Silly ole me. I remember marveling that I was already so large at 4 mos along, and how I could forget that I was pregnant so easily.

Last night's dream was the good one. We became good friends with A.ngelina Jo.lie and Br.ad Pit.t. We helped watch their babies, and they felt badly for us that we didn't have any of our own. BUT - being the kind souls that they are, they offered to gives us a baby if we didn't have one by the end of the year. Wasn't that sweet of them? Ah the world of Barb's dreams...

As I mentioned, work has been quite stressful. To add to the problems, I've been pooped, and my emotional stability is highly questionable. I would like this cycle to resolve itself before I have to resort to Provera. I'm now on cycle day 50-something. I keep fooling myself that maybe I will get sorted out, so I keep waiting. However, the longer I wait, the more vindictive AF is going to be. Maybe after the blood letting tomorrow....