All Over the Place

• It's funny how different everyone is about blogging. Some need to do it daily to keep it going. Some do it when they see an interesting story or have a bone to pick. I only do it when I feel it. I have to need to blog. It has to be something I love doing. I can never make it happen. I guess writers are that way too.
• I have had some things I needed to say lately, but my need in other areas of my life trumped them for the time being. That's why I'm getting some bullets in to get it out of my head quickly!
• E ended up having some nasty allergies that turned into a sinus infection and possible ear infection - all complicated by the arrival of MOLARS! Poor child. Sleep has not been easy in this house the past few weeks.
• Soo... E got the go ahead to go on Zyrtec. Anyone have any advice/warnings? Doc said it should be ok, and I trust him but still...
• I had my first ever Mammogram today. It wasn't painful at all! Only one position was a tiny bit uncomfortable. I mentioned this to the tech, and she said that the plates used to be metal and hurt a lot more than the plastic. I also give props to my post baby ladies. They sure ain't so perky anymore. That makes it easier! Not so much to smoosh.
• They didn't find anything. So FavoriteOB is right. It's inflammation. (He's always right) Yay!
• Before I knew there was nothing, there were a lot of shots and re-shots, and I got a tiny taste of how horrible the waiting must be for possible cancer diagnosis. I did not like it one bit. All the ladies there today were for diagnostic testing, and it broke my heart. It made me glad to see they were treated so very kindly.
  
• The weather has been so incredibly beautiful, and I'm so thankful. We went to the sweetest little playground yesterday and had the most wonderful time.
• I need to write a letter for E. His growth is astounding! I know I'm biased, but he is soooo smart.
• I've been having lots of dreams that we have to leave Florida, and I cry. I guess we know it will be hard huh?
• Speaking of dreams, after reading the latest Sookie Stackhouse book, I had a doozy about trying to escape vampires myself. I was desperately trying to contact my Dad's oldest brother because he was the most powerful vampire I knew. And somewhere on the other end of the ether, my cousin, his daughter, is quite possibly spraying a drink all over her computer screen or choking on a bite of food in mirth.
  
• So much more to say, but time for that later. Sleep is calling.
  

Bringing Peace

The anxiety and weepiness (along with the leaky boobs that always seem to accompany them) have been creeping back in lately. I've had some shattering nightmares that I don't wish to share. However, the night before last, after a bad dream, I dreamed of my Grandfather. He came, wrapped his arms around me, and soothed it all away. He said, "I'm so very proud of you, and I love you." I'm thankful.

Last Night...

I rode a boat upriver and up a waterfall on my way to Niagara Falls - which happened to be moved to Ottawa. So what did you accomplish?

Jen and Barb's Great Adventure - Dream Version

So the crazy dreams have of course continued. I won't even get into my stint in Germany, on the set of a p.orn movie, or as a race car driver. I'll just tell you the one that involved Jen.

I was sweaty from working outside all day. My clothes were beyond embarrassing. Suddenly, Jen lands a plane not 100 feet from where I am standing and shouts, "Come on! We're going to see the OSCARS!" She is beaming from ear to ear and waving tickets in my face. I look down at my filthy self and start to protest. She ignores me and grabs me by the arm to drag me toward the waiting plane. "But my clothes!" I shriek. "I bought you beautiful earrings! It'll be fine!" she retorts.

On the plane, I continue to fret about my state of disarray. I'm going to the Oscars after all! She hands me some enormous red baubles and grins proudly, saying, "Aren't they beautiful? It's all you'll need!" However, as I start to protest more and more and ask about where I could possibly buy a dress, she begins to get angry... telling me how hard she worked to do this for me and wasn't I being just a little ungrateful?

That shuts me up until we land (on a city street mind you) in Hollywood and approach the red carpet. People openly stare. As we're seated, she remarks how it isn't such a big deal because we're so high up in the balconies, no one will see us anyway. After a few minutes, I get too antsy though and decide to try to find a dress shop I can afford. She gives me a glare, but I tell her I'll be right back. What follows is a journey the likes of which I can't even describe. It's full of mazes and college campuses, streets of buildings with no stores and even a fraternity house. The one dress I find in the one store I find is behind glass, and I can't open the door.

When we finally join back up, the Oscars are over and Jen is fuming. I manage to placate her as we board the plane. On the plane she says, "I met this great guy!" Incredulous, I ask her what about Matt - her husband?? "Oh him," she sniffs. "I'm not actually married to him. He's a good guy and all, but if he's dumb enough to provide for me and take care of me while I look around, then that's fine. It's just convenience really." I point out the whole baby situation. "Oh.. well he was good for that," she concedes.

I can remember feeling horrified even in my sleep and thinking how duped I was! Jen seems so sweet and kind and honorable! How could she do these things?! Luckily I don't remain in sleep alterna-world too long, so I was able to shake it off. Nice huh?

And I don't even do drugs...

You know those dreams that cause you to sweat if you're running, pant if you're scared and swoon if you're in love? I had a plethora of them last night. I'm thankful to the gods of sleeping that I didn't have any nightmares because they would have had me thrashing in that mode.

One of the things I did dream about was having children. Big surprise huh? I dreamed that I had a little girl. She had the big chunky legs, grabbing fingers and silly babbling of a baby at about 8 months. The soft smell and weight of her in my arms was so sweetly and intensely satisfying. Hub was trying to find shoes for her so we could go outside. He was fumbling with the tiny things as Hub is wont to do in that situation. My chest burned with how gentle and Daddy he was.

As I hugged the sweetness, I reflected on how she had come to be. Apparently, she was a high risk pregnancy, and I had to have an early emergency c-section of which I remembered nothing. In my sleep, I thought how bittersweet it was to have had my one pregnancy ever cut short but yet to have this perfect child to show for it.

Sweet, sentimental and possibly cloying? Sure. But I also dreamed that I had a white Ferrari that you could drive traditionally OR drive via a brakeless remote control. (Small oversight on the manufacturer's part. I crashed it.) And I had some of those fun, titillating dreams about Hub. Doesn't he wish he didn't have to go to work this morning?

Stuff

• I had my first class this week! Conservation Genetics. I really liked it. I've heard the phrase, "It's like flexing a muscle you haven't used in a long time," to describe using your brain like that after a long lag, but this is the first time I've fully felt it. It was lovely. It's so great to be excited about school again. I was decidedly not excited right after finishing undergrad.
• That interview opportunity for a new position is coming up soon. Wish me all the luck you can! Because...
• I see my self esteem falling away from me small slivers at a time. It's due to the situation at work. I'm trying to remain upbeat and positive, but I know it's having an effect. One of the reasons I know this is that the other night I had a dream where all my friends and coworkers decided that enough was enough, and it was time to say how they really felt about me. Friends said that they loved me and that was why they had to let me know how much of a jerk I was being so that I could change and they could stand me again. Coworkers (even secretaries from different departments) illuminated all the instances in which I annoyed or frustrated them and ranted that I needed to face the music about my asshole tendencies. It was a sucky dream. I desperately need a change for my mental health.
• I've decided to save a little more money before buying a car. Saving a little more would get me a much better car. Your help has been invaluable though!
• Kara asked how reading the Dalai Lama book is going. I'm a little stalled right now due to having school reading assignments and lots of extra work to deal with, but I have gotten a little farther. I really like how Buddhism sees life and our ultimate death. It's a sobering subject to be sure, but the way they see it feels good and makes a lot of sense. I'm really lifting a lot of my own ignorance about Buddhism. I also just read a section where the Dalai Lama discusses how Buddhists define life and suffering and how that applies to IVF and frozen embryos. I LOVED how he described his confusion and thoughts on this issue. It was so refreshing to read such an authority who felt he didn't have the answer and admitted it. He also speaks with such non-condemnation and inclusiveness. It's right up my alley. I found it timely and wise to discuss this situation in the book.
• Life is busy, so I get around to reading when I can. I've vowed not to put so much pressure on myself to perform for others anymore. I would buckle under the weight I'd give myself if I didn't watch it. So in this case, if I haven't been around in a while, it really ISN'T you. It's me. ;-)

Laters.

Too much for one post

• I cannot get things done for the life of me. I'm sorry for all of the un-returned emails, un-commented posts, and backlogged work. Why do I feel so busy?
• We saw Twilight yesterday! I loved it! There were clumsy and corny spots, and hair and make-up definitely needed more money or expertise, but I liked it anyway. If anyone who hasn't read the books has seen it, could you let me know what you thought? I think a lot of the reason I liked it is because I knew the background to what was happening. There were a few spots in the movie where I even got the same rush I got when reading the book. The book is infinitely better of course.
  
• Speaking of vampires, I visited my favorite ones today. The results of this round of bloodletting will be known the second week of December. Bring it on.
  
• The graduate program I applied to lost my transcripts. I am beyond frustrated with all the hitches I've had in my application process. There's more money down the drain!
• I've been so tired lately. I still need to do the laundry, take care of the pets, do the dishes and prep for T-day on Thursday (since I work). It's not lookin' good.
• Speaking of "lookin' good," since dear Jen has taken to letting me know that on a regular basis, I thought I'd give you the background. The late 70's age couple next door has been pretty nice to us since we moved in. However, Mr. Late 70's has taken an uncomfortable shine to me as of late. After a particularly awkward conversation in which he repeated how cute and pretty I was multiple times, I took to avoiding him. After I convinced myself I was crazy, I saw him again, and he kissed my neck in the middle of a hug... and not the just past the cheek spot... the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. (Everyone... EEEEEEEWWWWW!) Now, every time he sees me he shouts, "Lookin' good Barb!" Thus, Jen's fun (and my self-imprisonment when he's on his porch) began.
  
• I had a self-confidence attack last night and got all worried about what people think of me for an hour or two. It eased quickly, and I'm at a good spot now. I had dreams all night however about how everyone that I thought loved me secretly despised me. I guess the anxiety runs deep.
  

That's all for now. Talk at ya later and have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING if I don't post before then!

Bullets and Strife

Hey there! I'm not really feeling very introspective today, and there's a lot going on, so how about a bullet list? Then maybe I'll update a little on the Metformin debacle.

• It's still hot as blazes, but yesterday I noticed that the morning sun had a slightly fall-like cast to it. Hallelujah!
  
• It's also been cooler at night - meaning our electric bill will go down. Whew!
• I dreamed about pregnancy again last night. It was exhilarating. Funny though how in my dreams, I never realize I'm pregnant until the baby basically begins kicking.
• I also have been having some tantalizing type dreams. They're almost never graphic though. I've decided it's because I just love the delicious anticipation of what may come next. So in my dreams, that just drags on and on and on...
• We found a wonderful little Mom & Pop Italian place! (Best Marsala EVER)
  
• Perhaps the Met is doing something good since I'm having those dreams this early in my cycle, and my bbt is fairly stable for once.
  

So here's the deal with the Met. Endo had told me to take the 500mg for a few days and then up to 1000mg. I decided to try the 1000mg on Thursday. I will never again do that at work. I will always up when I'm home. I was already drowsy from the 500mg, but when I took the other pill, my stomach protested violently. And when I say violently, think about a bad food poisoning episode and you've about got it. There was almost nothing I could eat! Even the thought of most foods had me eying the nearest bathroom warily. I almost skipped out of work early. The only things that saved me were 2 pepto tablets, one immodium and the fact that I really did eat nothing the rest of the day. I was starving but not willing to sacrifice myself like that. Now I know the real reason why people lose so much weight on Met.

I called the doctor and she suggested that I go back to 500mg for a week or until all my side effects disappear - including the drowsiness. Then I can up it back to 1000. I'm so gun shy now that I think I may just cut the second 500mg in half to make it 750 for a few days just to be sure. My body has slowly been returning to normal since then, but I've been uber cautious. Dear Hub made me some eggs to take with me for work on Saturday, and that's all I ate for breakfast. Then I had a small cup of Mott's peach (no sugar added) applesauce for a snack. I was so hungry for lunch that I risked a whole wheat bread sandwich with unseasoned chicken breast, one very small slice of cheese, tomato and a lettuce leaf. That went down ok! Now I'm off to the grocery store to try to buy foods that I can actually eat. It's much more expensive to be sure, but I'm willing to give this therapy a serious try, and to do that, I have to have foods I can handle. I still plan on posting some of my yummy ideas, but just haven't gotten around to it. Maybe I could do it on Fridays and call it Fun Food Fridays?

XO and wish me luck.
FCiF

Saint Ange

I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams lately (largely due to work), and the fertility related ones have crept back up on me since it's been on my mind. The night before last, my dream self was bemoaning my lack of baby when I suddenly looked down and realized that I was 4 months pregnant! I had forgotten! Silly ole me. I remember marveling that I was already so large at 4 mos along, and how I could forget that I was pregnant so easily.

Last night's dream was the good one. We became good friends with A.ngelina Jo.lie and Br.ad Pit.t. We helped watch their babies, and they felt badly for us that we didn't have any of our own. BUT - being the kind souls that they are, they offered to gives us a baby if we didn't have one by the end of the year. Wasn't that sweet of them? Ah the world of Barb's dreams...

As I mentioned, work has been quite stressful. To add to the problems, I've been pooped, and my emotional stability is highly questionable. I would like this cycle to resolve itself before I have to resort to Provera. I'm now on cycle day 50-something. I keep fooling myself that maybe I will get sorted out, so I keep waiting. However, the longer I wait, the more vindictive AF is going to be. Maybe after the blood letting tomorrow....

It's Dream Time Again

I dream vividly and often, and I usually remember them. Last night I dreamed that we attended one of the state system's adoption picnics where you can meet the children. We met 3 siblings that took to us immediately. There was a boy of about 5, a girl of about 3, and a baby boy under 1 year old. They were fair haired and blue eyed (very unlike either of us), and very sweet. I could even feel the baby's body in my arms and smell his baby powder.

I remember that we wanted to adopt these children but that we were very afraid of taking on three at once. We don't have a large house by any stretch of the imagination, nor a large budget. We also were just afraid that we wouldn't be able to do it. But in the end, we decided to foster them even though in reality in our State you either foster or adopt.

Then the time came to adopt them, but their mother would not sign away her rights to them. Then the little boy kept running away. It was awful, and I'm sure very indicative of all the angst I have surrounding adoption. A psychoanalyst would have a great time with my dreams.

Then again, I also dreamed later that we were on a plane that could cut through the fabric separating worlds and travel to different times and spaces. And I'm only giving you the TAME dream stories.

ETA: Just to give you an example of how these are TAME dreams... last night I dreamed that I started growing eyelids and eyelashes on my arm and chest. I had 3 in all. It was very eerie, gross and realistic. I could even mess with them. There were no eyes in them yet, but I could sense that was coming, and made immediate plans to see a doctor. How's THAT for too much imagination? I have a lot of nightmares too, which is why I avoid bad movies and sometimes books. And no, I did not watch the Langoliers, but I had just read a book about different worlds and moving through the fabric between them. ;)

Just for a Laugh

So I've been having vivid dreams again. I should mention that I dream regularly and on a grand scale. It just so happens that you, dear readers, are privileged enough that I remember my infertility related dream from last night. Here goes:

It started with wandering into a local fertility clinic. When I walked into the waiting room, I was bombarded with the sight and sound of about 8 children ranging in age from infant to12. Their parents were a man and his male partner. One was short and squat and one was tall and thin. For some reason, I could spy on them as they sat in consult with the doctor. Mind you, they only had the infant with them, the other 7 children were wreaking havoc on the waiting room.

It turns out they had adopted all 8 and were looking for a surrogate to carry their biological children. I don't even know if that's possible via a fertility clinic, but in my dream worlds, this is a tame request. Apparently they got news they didn't want to hear because both grimaced in distress and made for the door. That's when the ShortOne laid eyes on me.

He pointed to me and conveyed that he wanted to pay me to be a nanny of sorts (and I'm wondering about the surrogate part as well). So being the sensible girl that I am, I sign up for the job immediately for some extra cash. We all pile into a huge van with me behind the wheel while Tall&Skinny heads off in his nice car alone. They make me drive the van through obstacles of sorts. Why? I have no idea. I just know that at one point I was required to drive in reverse, in deep snow, down a twisty mountain road. Hubster magically appears beside me at this point and scathingly tells me that this is, "no big deal." ShortOne is in the back texting furiously on his B.lackberry and shouting into a cell phone about business deals while trying to hold the crying baby.

When I am finally allowed to drive forward, we head down a rough country road. I stop for directions at one point only to be told that I am on a quest and that I need to keep going. After what seems like hours, we finally find a ramshackle restaurant in the middle of nowhere to give the kids some sustenance. We make our way up the creaky steps only to see Ty P.ennington rushing toward us in welcome; a bandana around his head and his shirtless torso gleaming in the sun. Wait. TY PENNING.TON? Yes. Ty Penning.ton. Even in sleep, I was shocked.

I got all the kids up and ready to go in to eat only to find when I was seated last that all they had left were greasy french fries and hamburgers. When I asked for veggies, Ty pointed to the fries.

Then I woke up. How's that for weird and a lot of hidden messages?