Vindicated

I have a lot I'd like to say about Christmas and about some of the gifts we received, but I have been consumed by other dealings lately. Hopefully soon...

On the graduate school front, some of my upper management is coming through for me. It seems that in fact, I have done no wrong and that the mismanagement did not come from me. (Imagine that!) I have had an apology and a promise to try to make it right so that I can attend school in January. I feel very good about how this turned out and how I handled everything. I tried to remain as professional as possible.

On top of that, another position in the same company has been posted. I will be applying this week. Wish me luck.

To help me learn to continue to manage these sorts of situations with more aplomb and less angst, I have been trying to learn more about confidence and calm. To that goal, I have been reading How to Practice The Way to a Meaningful Life by the Dalai Lama. Actually, I have been more studying than reading. It is fascinating. A lot of it seems common sense, but man does it help to have it organized in this way. I can't say enough good things about it. And oddly enough, it came to me from someone who has helped cause some of my suffering. He has not read it (of course), but it was a cast-off from his wife. The world works in mysterious ways.

Hub Meme

To Baby and Beyond had a great meme posted that I wanted to share. It makes me feel good to talk about Hub. Although I am presuming quite a lot here. I'm sure his answers would be a bit different.

5 Things DH Loves:

1. Me
2. Family
3. Animals
4. Art
5. Food
(I don't know if those are the tops. He also loves cities and movies and travel and on and on and on)

5 Things on DH's "To Do" List:

1. Visit Japan (more of a dream really)
2. Yard Work
3. Go through and clean out his "stuff"
4. Make arrangements for his conventions
5. Lots of work stuff

5 Foods DH Enjoys:

1. Shrimp
2. Lobster Bisque
3. Steak
4. Tuna Noodle cassarole
5. Sushi
(note the absense of veggies and fruits)

5 Things You May Not Know About DH :

1. He likes to be more private than I do.
2. There are a lot of things I still don't know about DH, so I'm not sharing all his secrets with you guys. ;-)
3. He is reserved in public, but very affectionate, fun and silly in private.
4. He loves sunsets as much as I do.
5. He has lived in 3 countries and 4 states/provinces.

5 Quirky Things About DH :

1. He loves scaring me, and his favorite thing to say instead of "Boo" is "BAGGA!"
2. He likes sleeping with lots of pillows.
3. He can't stand to be forced into walking or driving at the same speed as a crowd.
4. He loves to turn his head and see my automatic reaction to kiss him.
5. He can't live without constant access to tea, hot chocolate or flavored coffees.

Even I didn't think they could sink so low...

Loveliness is reigning at work. Certain management has decided to make false assumptions about the process I used to go about gaining support for my schooling. When they made those false assumptions, they halted the process of my paperwork and sent me a nasty-gram. Those assumptions cannot be corrected by the management that has the proof that they are false until they work on the same day again. That same day is exactly 4 days before what is supposed to be the start of classes. I very nearly broke my rule and burst into tears in front of all my coworkers as I read that. The shock of the nasty-gram was that intense. So much for Christmas cheer.

Internets - I don't know if going back to school is going to happen. Do they realize they're messing with someone's LIFE here?

Fun Food Friday - Christmas edition!

Remember how I mentioned the homemade cranberry sauce I found on thepioneerwoman.com? Well, I changed it slightly, and that's going to be my FFF for this week. I have a few others I'm excited to write about as well, but the holiday one takes precedence for now.

In Pioneer Woman's recipe, it calls for one cup of juice, one cup of pure maple syrup and 3 TBSP of lemon juice. Today I added all of that, but instead of maple syrup, I used slightly less than one cup of agave nectar. It was delicious and SAFE FOR ME TO EAT! It didn't thicken like the syrup did, so in the future, I may add a little less juice, or add a little gelatin. But I love me a slightly more tart than sweet cranberry, and these sure fit the bill. Homemade cranberry sauce is my new addiction. I think it's going to be my "dish" that I make for holiday functions. It's so easy and so tasty. All of my critics from Thanksgiving to today have loved it as well (or at least say they do).

Happy leftover days everyone!

Happy Sigh

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE IT!

We had a wonderful, quiet Christmas with just the two of us (and a dinner addition of a good friend) for the whole day. It was so relaxed and lovely, and I am very happy. Our gifts this year from everyone (including each other) were just so thoughtful and perfect. We're used to small Christmases, especially since we bought the house. Now we've decided it will probably be a theme for us. Now and then we'll do a big ticket item, and this year was especially tight, but it's just so nice to have it be more about the thoughts and feelings of the day. Hub was especially thoughtful. He was so proud because he didn't even use a list! The people for whom we bought gifts were all very appreciative too.

Now we're continuing to play with our toys and wind down. We had a slightly unconventional (at least to an American.. not so much to the Hub) Christmas dinner tonight, and it was a lot of fun! Last night we had lasagne and rolls before heading to our new church for a pretty Christmas Eve service. Tonight we had steak and lobster tail for the hub and friend with a few slices of turkey off Whole Foods hot bar for me. We also had my famous garlic mashed potatoes*, noodles, rolls, cranberry sauce, broccoli and chocolate pie. The candles were lit, and the lights are still on as we cling to the remaining feelings of Christmas. I've been highly emotional in that even sappy commercials have been known to cause me to choke back tears. Hormones and holidays - does it every time. I have a lot of posts brewing off of the past few days! What an energizer!

*I can call them world famous since Hub is Canadian, and I'm American.

Baby Love

I went to see the lovely Elizabeth today. You know.. the Elizabeth of Jen the blogger fame. I'm so much more connected when I'm around babies whose parents I trust and care about. I actually really wanted to go meet Elizabeth, and I don't have the angst or complete disinterest that I sometimes have with other people's babies. Much like my friend Ky, I know Jen understands and is ok with me being however I need to be. That frees me for some reason and then I really am ok. The human psyche is so weird.

But enough about me. I don't know what the in-laws are doing to make that baby cry, because she seems like a perfect angel to me. It has to be them. ;-)

Gotta Have Faith

This post by Farah at Fertilized struck a chord with me, as her posts usually do. I identify with a lot of the things she says in it and struggle with the very same thoughts and feelings on religion. However, since I am fairly private about much of my life (at least on the internets), I don't usually feel up to sharing much of this aspect. I am in awe of how much Farah is able to share so eloquently.

So in the spirit of that sharing, I decided it's my turn (to an extent. ;-). My religious protestant background is similar to hers, and I'm married to a Catholic. So far we've managed to blend to some degree since he also has these feelings about religion, and we can both let go enough to blend. Both of us aren't sure what all we believe. Both of us have a lot of wariness toward organized religion from past experience of hypocrisy, non-inclusion and things we just don't think are right (examples including thinking no one should use birth control, or that science has a place in Faith or that religion has a place in science). Both of us also have difficulty with churches that are all about loving and hugging and praising God without any of the practical applications of daily life.

Before we left the cold white north for Florida, we had found a wonderful Catholic Church that we both adored. It was unusual in that it was a more humble looking Catholic Church, which made humble Protestant me feel at home. The head Priest was also an amazing man. We got newsletters every month, and in them he addressed things like why we shouldn't try to combine evolution theories and faith and why they can co-exist peacefully, and why we should love all, not judge and include anyone who wanted to be included. He was also very down to earth in his sermons, and was very interesting to listen to. When it was time for us to marry, he had no problem with me remaining Protestant, and having Protestant ministers at the ceremony. A previous priest of Hub's had demanded that I track down the military Protestant minister who had performed my baptism on base so that he could talk to him to prove it had happened - even though I had the handkerchief and form. It didn't seem to matter that the man was old when he had done it 25 years before, and probably wasn't around anymore or that we had no idea how to contact him. The newer Priest accepted my baptismal certificate without judgment. He was wonderful, as was the church community. In short, we got the peace, acceptance and reflection we were looking for there.

Then we moved here. It's no secret that church-going is a bit different in the South. As a generalization it's a bit more fervent, a bit less solemn, and a bit less inclusive. At least that has been our experience. We tried many different churches, protestant and catholic, without much success. There was the one in which the priest appeared to be drunk or have some sort of mental malfunction at least half the time. There was the one where there were so many people that huge groups were standing in the back, and you couldn't see the priest. That one also included our first experience with a child urinating on the floor where no one seemed to give a damn (including the parents), even though we tried. And the message at this one was incredibly simplistic. It turned out to be a tourist church. Then there was the one that was very small, very protestant and a bit too familiar for my very Catholic Hub. I was ok with it, but I could see how it could quickly become a place where it was whispered about why so and so didn't come this Sunday. Let's also not forget the one we've been trying to like for a while now since it's close and pretty, but is just way too kumbaya for our tastes. I really don't like holding hands, and I especially don't like holding strangers hands frequently. I also don't like simplistic new praise music that seems to be written for kindergarten children. I yearn for the complex rhythms, times, octaves and messages of yesteryear. We aren't illiterate or musical morons simply because we're attending church. This place also seems decidedly NOT inclusive.

Thus we had started to attend less and less even though we both felt the need for that peace and reflection. I started to turn to books on eastern religions for some of it. But yesterday we attended a non-denominational Christian church in the city. It was my first experience with a more "modern" church. I have to say I liked it very much. I think we both did. There were parts that were a bit over the top for me and very "southern," but overall, I was interested, the messages were applicable, yet maintained ties to the beautiful history of much of the Bible and I managed to obtain the peace and reflection for which I had searched. There are some amazing support and activity groups in this church, and inclusion seems to be its middle name. In fact, as the pastor was reading his sermon, he recommended that we attend a Christmas Eve service if we were looking for that "spiritual" feeling this Christmas. And he went on to say, "I don't care if you attend here, or go to the great crystal palace with donkeys that fly around the ceiling. If you are feeling lost and need that spiritual feeling, just please attend a service somewhere."

My very Catholic Hub who has attended very few Protestant services left feeling interested, bemused, peaceful and confused, but I think he liked it. I left feeling that some of that service was not for me, but that was ok. It was ok by me, and it was ok by them. I also felt rejuvenated and at peace. We are going to give it a few more goes to see if this is it. Let's hope this is what we were searching for.

Letting Go of the Fantasy

At some point in this blog, I discussed how it made me feel to unwrap the "Baby's First Christmas" ornament that my Mom bought preemptively because it was so cute she couldn't resist. I can't find that post, but I do remember mentioning how it felt like such a sham to be putting it on the tree, and how I couldn't fight the surge of resentment I felt as I picked it up.

This year it is remaining tightly in its box, packed away.

Gettin' Smrt

I'VE BEEN OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED INTO THE GRADUATE PROGRAM! Now since they took so long I have to rush all my paperwork.

Go me!

Funny Sh*t

Significant Others: Want to stay out of the doghouse this Holiday season? I suggest you take this warning seriously.

Random Questions and Thoughts

1. I keep reading that diet and exercise are far more successful at improving health than glucophage is.
   
2. WTF? Really? Is this always the case?
   
3. If it is, then I'm a huge failure, because I tried the diet exercise route for a looooooong time.
4. Another team in which I'm interested at work may be having an opening soon.
   
5. I think I may go for it.
6. My team is not getting any better.
7. My blood pressure needs to come down (not literally).
8. Endo says the stress levels need to be reduced.
   
9. I'm all for it.
10. The house is finally decorated.
11. It looks pretty.
12. Hub is sweet. xoxo
    

Back on the Wagon

First of all; can I just say my God it's a beautiful day? This is what Floridians live all summer for. OK, now that I've gotten that out of my system...

The holidays suck for people trying to control their sugar intake. I seem to do well with a moderate amount of white grain and with a pretty high amount of whole grains. This is good since I prefer whole grains anyway. The reason I tried going back to more grains instead of avoiding all carbs is just because I was SO DAMN HUNGRY. I just can't do it. I've lost about 6 more pounds on the Met, and am at my lowest weight since high school. I need to eat what fills me up damn it. And a high protein diet just doesn't cut it. Sugar and raw veggies? They still are bad news for me. The raw veggies are just bad news for my GI tract. Sugar is bad news all around. And I've fallen off the wagon big time in the last couple of weeks.

SO - I went to the endocrinologist today. She was lovely as usual. I had my blood levels done about 3 weeks ago, and it showed that my glucose level is still 97. Healthy is 99 and under. That's good in that I'm not over 99, but she is surprised by that higher level considering my age and weight. She says she should normally see in the 80's for my group (especially on glucophage). I'm not sure why she's surprised since I have PCOS. Maybe my glucose did come down after that, and that's why I ovulated. I don't know. But I do know that I'm hungrier than ever and am in a bad diet rut. It's time to get back on the wagon. I want my body to do well. Honestly, I don't really crave sugar anymore. What I crave is FOOD. Therefore, if I am hungry, and a sugary snack is readily available... you bet I'm going to stuff it in my maw.

Since Hub is trying to lose weight, and I have been a bad girl, we are going to try to keep good foods only in the house again. Christmas cookies? We're giving most of them away. Christmas dinner? We're cooking it ourselves in healthy style.

Is there anything else I can do besides cut down sugar, be on glucophage and be at a good weight to lower glucose levels? I have a sneaking suspicion this is a big part of my ovulation problem (along with all the other big parts. I'm such a friggin mess.).

Botanical Homicide

It's official. I am a plant murderer. My last "air plant" (epiphyte) suffered its painful demise over the past week. I have one tropical plant that has been with me since college that has almost died so many times it must qualify as feline. I'm so thankful to that plant that I get deep anxiety every time I almost kill it. Seriously, what kind of human can't even keep an AIR PLANT alive?

Dear Reproductive System,

Thirteen day luteal phase - not too shabby ovaries! Feeling like my reproductive organs are pushing through my pelvic floor while tendrils of pain lance down my thighs and up my back? Not too pleasant uterus.

Fun Food(??) Friday

I'll let you be the judge on the Fun in this Food Friday. hehe. I thought it was fun.. if disgusting. Don't tell me you weren't warned. Womb for Improvement has hijacked Fun Food Friday this week with quite the book about a certain food idea. I'm not even going to attempt to come up with something equally as attention grabbing.*

Spit or Swallow
(yes, it's dirty)

*In a secret aside whisper... "Thanks WFI, for getting me off the hook this week. *wink*"

A Little Update

Yes, I attempted to take a photo of individual snowflakes with my camera. I think I heard my 4 year old digital point and shoot snicker as I clicked the shutter. That snow was particularly lovely. My frostbitten buns were not. I am glad to be warm again. It's funny though how quickly Hub and I both sink back into that world. It took us a long time to adjust to Florida, and we still have moments where we feel alien. But in that world, a day or two is all it takes. I guess that's what happens when you spend 20 plus of your formative years somewhere.

Right now I find myself scrambling. Trips, Christmas presents, cards, cleaning, decorating, work, errands, blogs, knitting, bills... all heaping up on my plate. Most of the things are pleasurable, and I want to get to them, there just aren't enough of me!*

For now just know that I am not really dreaming of a White Christmas.... er.. ok, perhaps just a day or two. But I am dreaming that perhaps someone could come be my personal assistant for a few weeks?

*Multiplicity comes to mind.

Fun Food Friday is Back

I'm Back! My latest obsession for lunches at work is Lean Cuisine Spa Classics. I know, I know. It's a frozen meal. But seriously, when these suckers are on sale, I go crazy! They're more "whole" foods than many other frozen meals. The pastas and rice are all whole grain. They're very tasty in my humble opinion. (I particularly love the butternut squash ravioli, chicken in peanut sauce and sesame stir-fry.) And they have a LOT more veggies than most other meals! Hurray! I usually don't even have to be starving to want to eat the chicken!

They are more expensive though, so I buy them when they're on sale.

Womb for Improvement joined up last week, but I dropped the ball. So better late than never! If you want to join in, leave a note. :)
Zinc or Swim

*P.S. I realize I'm a little off in my writing. I am quite sleepy.

Happy Things Post

Work is decidedly NOT better. It's great that I exceeded expectations and all, but if you're going to treat me like I'm an asshole, why give me the good rating? Good news is though that I spoke to everyone else, and 7 of my 9 coworkers think I'm doing a good to great job, the head of the department of the project I like working on and at which I feel competent thinks I'm doing a great job, and the boss of my bosses is very happy with my work and communication style. Other managers also know the situation with mine. So I should be pretty safe if I want to go somewhere else within the company. That's a great thing. It's good to know I'm doing well, but at the same time, why are these people allowed to continue their crap?

OK.. enough about that. The whole point was, that situation is so crappy that I decided a Happy Things Post was in order. Here goes (in no particular order)...

1. Seeing the space shuttle at night for the first (and probably last) time!
2. Being able to see Jupiter and Venus with the naked eye.
3. Elizabeth Rose
4. seeing one of the nephews this weekend
5. seeing snow this weekend
6. leaving said snow behind after this weekend
7. Nintendogs (yes I'm behind the times)
8. BrainAge
9. Sweet, supportive Hub
10. homemade Christmas gifts
11. Sleep
12. Comfy warm sleeping clothes
13. Crisp air, but warm sunshine
14. Nice high basal temps (and the girls are sore! GO progesterone!)

All done. :)
FCiF

Happy/Sad

Another one of our family's old guard passed away today - my great Uncle. And my great Aunt (my Grandma's sister) had a stroke a few days ago. It's hard to accept this changing of the guard. My parents and their peers are now the heads of the family. I don't like it one bit.

On the other hand, Jen and Baby Steps to Baby Shoes may be having babies soon! Life is so complex and horrible and beautiful all at once. I often think though that it could not be nearly so beautiful without the tragedy.

A Note on the Brownies

These were quite scrumptious and have piqued a lot of interest online and off. They are Ghirardelli (pronounced as in Grrr.. not George) brownie mix found in most grocery stores. In fact, they were buy one get one at Publix last week. I have tasted most of the flavors, and this was hands down the best. They were dark chocolate with semi-sweet chocolate chips. Mmmm mmm. Quite easy. Have fun baking!

Lots of Thanks-Giving

Hey Peeps! Thanksgiving was so fabulous. I absolutely love to cook. It's one of the ways I think I can mother without being a Mom. Plus, I just love the creative aspect of it.

Anyway, so since I had to work, I started cooking days before. I'm notoriously bad at homemade stuffing, but I used a good recipe this year, and it turned out ok. I despair of ever cooking stuffing like my Mom does. She tells me time and time again how to do it, and time and time again it just turns out gross. Mom's is like a big meaty loaf of chicken and herby roasted bread. I LOVE IT. And I haven't had it in 5 years. sigh. I also pre-made dark chocolate Ghirardelli brownies. WAY worth it. More delicious than any brownie I've ever tasted. Seriously. My pumpkin pie is scrumptious and always a must. And finally, for the preparation extravaganza, I made homemade cranberry sauce that I found on The Pioneer Woman. It was PERFECT! I was incredibly happy with it, and so were it seems, my "guests." I already have another bag of cranberries in the freezer, ready to go for Christmas. Thank you PW!

On the day of, with the help of the wonderful Hub, the turkey breast went in and we made pole green beans with bacon bits, noodles and gravy and roasted garlic mashed potatoes. A delightful co-worker came over with some libations, and we all thoroughly enjoyed the spread. Then Hub and I continued to enjoy it for 4 days afterwards. Just as we were getting tired of it, it was gone. I LOVE HOLIDAY FOOD.

And finally, though my fatigue continues, I've been feeling so balanced emotionally and hormonally. Peace hasn't lasted this long for me since before puberty. I imagine Hub is giving thanks for that every single day... possibly every single hour. Could it be the Metformin? I don't know yet. But if it is, it's also caused another reason for giving thanks - I ovulated!!!

It didn't seem like the best ovulation ever with the best fertility signs, but it's a step in the right direction! I really do hope it's the Met so that I know once and for all that insulin issues are at the heart of my main problem. Nothing else seems to be the primary culprit. I guess we'll see if I keep ovulating and if my bloodwork shows improved blood lipid levels, testosterone and glucose scores.

I'm also so incredibly thankful for some truly wonderful family, friends and experiences. I feel like Hub and I have had an amazing life together and have seen and done amazing things. I'm very proud of who we turned out to be as a couple. I've made some great new friends the past few years that I hope to have for a lifetime as well. Even if we haven't hung out much, I'm so glad to have met and known you. Jen and Matt, a great group of girls from work, Kelly and Karl, Stephanie, Lisa, this great online community (including all of my links on the sidebar) - thank you all. You have helped to shape me and show me the way through this struggle.

Too much for one post

• I cannot get things done for the life of me. I'm sorry for all of the un-returned emails, un-commented posts, and backlogged work. Why do I feel so busy?
• We saw Twilight yesterday! I loved it! There were clumsy and corny spots, and hair and make-up definitely needed more money or expertise, but I liked it anyway. If anyone who hasn't read the books has seen it, could you let me know what you thought? I think a lot of the reason I liked it is because I knew the background to what was happening. There were a few spots in the movie where I even got the same rush I got when reading the book. The book is infinitely better of course.
  
• Speaking of vampires, I visited my favorite ones today. The results of this round of bloodletting will be known the second week of December. Bring it on.
  
• The graduate program I applied to lost my transcripts. I am beyond frustrated with all the hitches I've had in my application process. There's more money down the drain!
• I've been so tired lately. I still need to do the laundry, take care of the pets, do the dishes and prep for T-day on Thursday (since I work). It's not lookin' good.
• Speaking of "lookin' good," since dear Jen has taken to letting me know that on a regular basis, I thought I'd give you the background. The late 70's age couple next door has been pretty nice to us since we moved in. However, Mr. Late 70's has taken an uncomfortable shine to me as of late. After a particularly awkward conversation in which he repeated how cute and pretty I was multiple times, I took to avoiding him. After I convinced myself I was crazy, I saw him again, and he kissed my neck in the middle of a hug... and not the just past the cheek spot... the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. (Everyone... EEEEEEEWWWWW!) Now, every time he sees me he shouts, "Lookin' good Barb!" Thus, Jen's fun (and my self-imprisonment when he's on his porch) began.
  
• I had a self-confidence attack last night and got all worried about what people think of me for an hour or two. It eased quickly, and I'm at a good spot now. I had dreams all night however about how everyone that I thought loved me secretly despised me. I guess the anxiety runs deep.
  

That's all for now. Talk at ya later and have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING if I don't post before then!

Long Promised Shots

This is a surprisingly good shot of what we saw considering it was taken on our little point and shoot digital. We are at least an hour from the launch site though, so we miss a lot of it. Before we could even see the shuttle, we could see a bright pink, red and orange glow covering the horizon. Shortly after that, I shot the first video. (ETA: Looking at it uploaded, it's not nearly as good as when we look at it directly from our camera. On our camera, you can see the gold and red glow in the sky. In this shot you can't. :( )


This is your chance to hear my and Hub's dorky-ness. There was also a lady we did not know standing beside us and talking a lot.

This next shot is the shuttle just over the moon. Since it was dark, we could see it for a long time. It was really noticeable when the boosters fell off since they were little flame spots separating from the shiny star that was the shuttle. Now if I could only record the boom it makes when it crosses our airspace on the way back...
ETA: Please click on photo to see an enlarged shot so you can actually spot the shuttle above the moon.

Great Rewards

I think I've finally jumped the hurdle, crossed the line, found my safe zone. It may be that my hormones are giving me a break, but I think I've also finally just reached the point where I'm happy with who I am flaws and all. I've been dealing with insecurity more and more as I age, but I still would reach lots of crisis points when others surprised me with harsh words. I couldn't deal if I wasn't prepared.

Now, however, I find that the sting from these surprises is less severe and quickly fades. I find that even though I am well aware of my flaws, that I'm ok with them existing and can now even see the good in them. For example, at times I can be defensive, too sensitive, effusive in anger or passion and too verbal. But in turn, I'm also nurturing and empathetic, effusive in praise and affection, well spoken and passionate about making a difference, bettering myself on my terms and supporting causes.

I like me. If someone else doesn't like me despite my best foot forward, oh well. It used to be that I was starving for any love thrown my way. Now I welcome love and praise, but I also have all the love I need right here in my home. Perhaps infertility has helped me prepare for great motherhood after all.

Rumbly

I was very bad last night and ate 3 slices of pizza along with a little soda. My tummy is very angry.

Fun Food Friday - Drink edition!

***One note on previous entry. I have never cried in front of my managers. If I do that, it's at home. Just sayin'.***

Alrighty - on to the fun stuff! Originally I was going to talk about a food, but I was inspired tonight by something that made me very happy instead. (sorry Heather!) It's actually been cold here; near freezing even! I know that's hard to believe, but would I lie? I even had very realistic dreams the other night that it had snowed. Because of that, I've been downing tea and warm comfort foods. My recent stress also causes a lot of that activity. ;-)

Tonight, I had an intense craving for chocolate. Put those things together, and you come up with the idea for a nice, creamy, soothing cup of hot cocoa! I grabbed my Ghirardelli Unsweetened Cocoa, mixed in some sugar, warmed up my milk, and aaaaaaaaahh ambrosia!

This is my favorite cocoa. First of all, I have never been disappointed by the quality of Ghirardelli chocolate. It's a particular favorite of both the Hub's and mine. Secondly, the unsweetened stuff is puuuuuuuure cocoa; no added flavors, no added preservatives. And the closer I get to unadalterated chocolate, the closer I get to unadalterated bliss.* Lastly, you mix it with milk, and you add the amount of sugar you want. The instructions suggest 1 cup of milk, 1.5 TBSP of cocoa and 1.5 TBSP of sugar. Even before my sugar issues, I found that to be too sweet. So I add 1.5 TBSP of cocoa and 3/4 TBSP of sugar. It tastes fabulous, I don't get as much sugar in my system, and I get my chocolate high! You gotta love that something so tongue pleasing has flavanoids and body benefits.

Feel free to join in with your own FFF!


*I told you I was a true choc-aholic.

Oh My

Here's the deal. Even though I said I've been trying to stay above the fray so to speak, things still bother me from time to time. And this last week at work has been a doozy. I don't think it's a coincidence either that I worked quite a bit of overtime this week. Fatigue makes things much more difficult for me.

Basically, while I did well on my year end review, I also got a bit (scratch that - a lot) of a character dressing down. Two of my 3 managers apparently do not like me at all. Nice. I don't believe that has ever happened to me before. I'm the eager to please puppy (as Hub calls me), the overachiever, the doormat. Apparently my quest to no longer BE a doormat has been too successful. I don't know. I just know that I got a laundry list today of all the things that I've done all year that have been frustrating to the other 2 managers. That would have been nice to know oh.. hmmm.. when... oh yeah, WHEN THEY HAPPENED instead of months later! And for the record, the thing I've done that's been most frustrating to one of the managers? I was friends with someone else on the team that he didn't like. That made us, according to the manager reviewing me, twins. Doesn't that sound a little high school to you? Note that this friend of mine and I are very different people.

The other manager who doesn't like me thinks that I am terrible at one of the things in which I take pride and at which I have been praised by my coworkers and by the head of the department for that particular project. I believed (rightfully I think) that that meant I was doing well. Apparently not according to this manager... which I guess explains why I get the strange emails explaining how to begin said projects in very elementary ways from her. I just always assumed she was like that with everyone. Nope. Just me. Thanks.

Finally - note that neither one of these managers has actually approached me with any of this. I hear it at my year end review from a third party. Somehow that doesn't make me want to hurry up and fix things - or as my reviewer put it, "make friends" with them.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm pretty pissed about being knocked off my happy pedestal. I was doing really well darn it! The good thing in all this though is that it gave me incentive to be more aggressive in getting a new position. I also managed to not get as upset as I used to and was even somewhat ok by later this evening. Normally I would have cried over something like this. Now, I got a little teary, but then figured, "what the hell." I'm so tired of figuring it out or trying to do the right thing. It's never the right thing when you have a target on your back. So why try? I'll tread water until I can get myself out.

I'm working on the shuttle photos... I swear! FFF post tomorrow evening...

Shuttles and Cojones

We finally saw a night launch!!!! We didn't go up close to see it, but we can drive to the local Publix and see it from the parking lot pretty well. It's supposed to be the last night launch before they retire the fleet. It lit up the night sky beautifully! I'll post photos and video later.

I've also been telling people who knowingly hurt or badger me to bugger off! (Did I do that right Womb for Improvement? hehe) I admit it makes me feel DAMN GOOD. I want to stay happy while my body is giving me this break. If someone wants to blame me for problems I didn't cause - screw it.

Fun Food Friday

We're Back!

So - Odwalla. Have I done Odwalla already? Ah Hell. Who cares if I have. I'm doin' it again!

I am in love with Odwalla bars and some of the smoothies. I had the pumpkin smoothie recently. Mmmm mmm. Pumpkin pie in a bottle. Pumpkin anything makes me swoon. The smoothies can be a bit much though if you aren't used to that whey powder taste.

There are two bars however, that I think would resonate with most peoples' taste buds. They are the chocowalla bar and the sweet and salty peanut. The sweet and salty peanut is perfection in my opinion. There is none of that "off" soy or whey taste, it's full of natural, healthy ingredients, low in refined sugar and so delicious. It reminds me a little of a more subtle payday without all the bad stuff. The chocowalla has a slight tang of soy, but embedded in the chocolate bar are luscious, smooth chunks of true chocolate with little filler. That's just the thing for a choc-a-holic like me. I can almost eat pure cocoa. No joke.

So check it out! And I believe I may have another Fun Food Friday to link for you soon. :)

Hope over to see Jen's Low Carb Peanut Butter Tortillas!

Duuuuuuuuude

DAYUM, but I am feeling soooooooo good! My hormones have been giving me a break, and the anvil on my back has been lifted. I feel in peak condition physically and at ease with the world emotionally. This is how I felt more often before the PCOS and Hashimoto's thyroiditis really kicked in. I was even bubbly back then - most of the time! I know it's difficult to believe, but I swear it's true.

I buzz around work and then come home to wander the house in a blissed-out state. I stop in front of the Hub every so often to marvel, "So this is how normal women feel!" At times like these, I can see why it's so easy for people who maybe haven't experienced hormonal turmoil to tell me to "just get over it," or to "relax." It's a lot easier to do when you're not under attack from your own system!

I can only pray that it's the Met and that this is going to be the norm. Note that I said, "pray." Even in my blissed-outness I realize that it's highly unlikely.

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p.s. Apparently I'm, "lookin' good" too as Jen and a dirty old man in the neighborhood have reminded me repeatedly lately. I'll be sure to tell you about that one soon. Thanks for bringing it up Jen. :p

p.p.s. For all of you who feel the burn of the green eyed monster when I brag about our lovely Fall - Remember that I drive a beat up old car without air conditioning - in Florida - in the Summer - on the broad baking expanse of a main interstate. That should tide ya over. ;)

Glorious Day

What a gorgeous, glorious beautiful day! I got some weeding done in the beautiful 70 something degree sunshine of the Florida Fall. I'm trying to learn how to manage my emotions better, and how to appreciate everything in life again. This was one of those days. Despite some family drama, I was still able to dig my fingers into the earth and turn my face up to the sun for some blissful communion with the outdoors.

Tonight, I plan to buy some more yarn and work more on a beautiful scarf I've started for Christmas. Pray that I can keep this up because damn it feels good. I even looked more into adoption today.

Update

I've been crappy - no Fun Food Fridays, irregular posting, rare commenting - I'm just not very into it lately huh? I am sorry for that, but at the same time, I'm not. I've been very distracted, but it's finally in a good way. We've had quite a few visitors to our home. I've spent lots of time with friends outside our home (Hello Jen!). We're very slowly starting renovations along with the regular demanding yard work, house work and work work. bleh. Hub and I are back in stride, which means a lot more time just hangin' out together. That's always my favorite thing to do. And Christmas is coming, which means more planning for presents and the like.

By the way, Halloween was also a welcome distraction with a few new fun decorations and a higher than usual amount of little witches and ghosties.

So I'll still be here when I need to be, but home and work come first so hang in there!

And now for the updates:

Thanks for coming out of the woodwork about the kitty!! Very very unfortunately, he escaped when Hub had to open the back garage door the other day. According to Hub, he took off like a rocket and wouldn't come back. Perhaps that's why he's homeless in the first place? And even worse, he had a visit set up with a very nice lady for the next day who would have made a fabulous Mom. Darn cat. We're still keeping an eye out for him just in case. He had started to fatten up and seemed to be feeling good, but he was still stick skinny.

I'm still waiting to hear about school, and still open to low interest suggestions on how to pay for it up front until work reimburses me. (which I hope they'll do considering the economic climate). I'm also finally into a new cycle and nearing what should be the middle of it. Will I ovulate finally on Met? My hunch says no, but hey, wouldn't it be awesome if I did? At this point, I can't wait for my check up so that we can do the bloodwork and decide to stick with it or not. argh.

A new Filipino grocery opened up about a mile from our home!!! WOO HOO!! Lots of sinigang, palabok, puto, kutsinta, pan de sal, ensaymada, silver swan soy sauce, Lily peanut butter and more for us!!!!

FCiF out after that disjointed update.

Titles Elude Me

Wow. Just wow. I feel so privileged to witness this period in history. No doubt it is tumultuous and uncertain, but it is a pivotal moment in our country in so many ways.

I stayed up quite late to watch the election coverage last night, and I'm paying for it today. May I say that both Senator McCain and President-elect Obama delivered amazing speeches. I feel that both said just what needed to be said. I am in awe and so glad that I stayed up to see them live. I clutched Hub's hand as I drank in each word.

It's obvious from my blog who I supported. And I supported him because I believed in the possibilities of his policies. However, no matter which candidate you supported, you can't deny the historic event that is a mixed race man becoming President. This whole race was historic with a female vp candidate (run one other time) and a very viable candidate for a female President as well. But watching Barack Obama stand up there to deliver his speech, I was struck. We can do it. We can heal some of our divides. Women and ethnicities other than whites are still the minorities in almost all positions of power in this country. To see a person of color standing on that stage giving an acceptance speech - awesome. It filled me with hope, excitement and pride.

I grabbed Hub and looked him in the eye. "Do you realize," I said, "that no matter how we have a child... if we conceive or if we adopt, we will very probably have a mixed race child. Isn't it amazing that our child will have this hope... that our child will see Barack Obama of the dark skin and the Muslim name and know for a fact that anything is truly possible for him or her."

I hope we can put aside our differences and work together to help our country. The divides scare me. I want us to come together. And the reason I voted for my candidate is because I thought he was a man who could do it. I pray that it's true. In any case, I'm so proud of all of us for our huge voter turnout, and the surge of patriotism we've seen these past few months. Hallelujah.

I need a home!

Hi! I don't have a name yet because I don't have a home. Barb and her husband were at the local bank the other day when I came up to them for a pet. I was very lonely and hungry, and when I saw them, I knew they were animal lovers.

I turned up the charm and wound my way through their legs as they made those weird beeping noises in the big shiny thing in the wall. Sure enough, both bent down to check me out. Score! I knew I had them when they both exclaimed over how thin I am. They're right. I've been so hungry. My hip bones poke out and my backbone is (sadly) no fun to stroke because it's so prominent. My fur is also dirtier than it should be because I'm just so tired and had to fight so hard to survive.

I was elated when they both seemed to decide that they had to take care of me. Barb picked me up, and I started purring right away so that she knew I was a good kitty. Then they did something I didn't expect. They carried me into this little room and closed all the doors. I sat on Barb's lap happily at first. Then the little room started rumbling and moving, and I could see things whir by outside a clear wall! It was very scary. My heart started pounding, and I couldn't help but let me claws out a little bit. I was very careful not to hurt Barb though since it wasn't her fault. I was just nervous. I stood with my front feet on the clear wall so that I could keep an eye on what was speeding by. I started to wonder if this was a mistake!

Soon enough though, the room stopped rumbling, and they carried me into a warm, dry area where I got a little bed, a place to potty and yummy food and fresh water. I couldn't eat too much at first, but now I'm doing much better. Barb calls my room, "the garage." She said I can't come in because I'm a danger to their other pets, but that they'll find me a true home soon.

Does anyone in the central Florida area want to come visit me to see if I would fit in their home? I'm a really sweet kitty. I really love people and am so calm. Barb and her husband seem to really like me, but her husband is a bit allergic, and her other pets wouldn't like me at all. I'm glad they took me in though so that I could stop being so hungry and lonely. I love company.

Here's a photo of me so that you can fall in love and take me home:
Barb's Note: I'm pretty sure he's a neutered male, but I'm not positive. He really is very friendly and calm. It's unusual to find a cat this sweet and cuddly. I wish we could keep him, but it's just not possible. We couldn't let him out there to fend for himself though, and I'm scared of taking him to a shelter. All the really nice cat places are overwhelmed right now and can't take anymore. If anyone is interested in meeting him, please let me know in the comments and I'll be in touch.

Where has my time gone?

Recently, certain people have felt that I spend too much time on the internet. That's funny because lately, I've hardly even had time to post here, let alone read other blogs. (as I'm sure you've noticed) I keep thinking it's going to get better, but I don't know that it is. I think times have changed. I will post when I feel the urge, and read as I can, but gone are the days of regularity. I guess I went and got a life. It's not always in the positive sense, but that's how it works eh?

So - since it's been so long, here's my current life in bullet points...

• I VOTED TODAY! When I'm filling in those little ovals, I get a thrill much like when I see the shuttle go up. I'm such a geek, and I love it.
  
• I learned recently that even though infertile women often have trouble with being around pregnancy (my particular trouble is when I'm forced to be in close proximity to it at all times), that we often feel just as much if that pregnancy is not viable. If the thought of being near a pregnant belly every single day makes me anxious and jittery, the thought of the loss of that pregnancy makes me slightly nauseous. I doubt too many others empathize quite so much with that sort of incident.
• We found a kitty we're trying to find a home for. New post about that next.
• Hub and I went through a sad phase together. Finances and stress will do that to ya. Better now. :)
• We painted some of the living room a lovely shade of light sage. NO MORE WHITE! It makes the room look so rich. (not this color - they don't have it)
  
• I sent in ALL my materials for application to my graduate certificate program! Now I just need to wait and pray that I get in and that my work will actually agree to reimburse me... AND that I can work out how to pay for it up front before reimbursement without too much extra money out of my pocket. (Any ideas? Throw 'em my way! I have a few.)
• I'm feeling much better and less exhausted so far since my period has finally been here and is ending. Now if I could just ovulate...
• We may be seeing the in-laws in December!

Thanks to everyone for being so kind even when I'm silent. That's all I have to say for now. :)

Quick!

FINALLY. I can stop running to check my unders every 5 minutes. It's here. I can't update much more because Hub is here instead of out tonight. Not much computer time for me!

Meme Time*

This one was from Kara at Becoming Parents. There is much that begs to be blogged about, but the most I can muster at the moment is a meme. I will have to spit out the other stuff soon... I believe these are to be one word answers...

1. Where is your cell phone? counter
2. Where is your significant other? gallery
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? comfort
5. Your father? away
6. Your favorite thing? love
7. Your dream last night? sunscreen
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. The room you’re in? extra
10. Your hobby? life
11. Your fear? death
12. Where do you want to be in six years? home
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. What you’re not? mean
15. One of your wish list items? peace
16. Where you grew up? mountain
17. The last thing you did? baked
18. What are you wearing? sweats
19. Your T.V.? old
20. Your pet? sweetness
21. Your computer? slow
22. Your mood? spacey
23. Missing someone? family
24. Your car? junker
25. Something you’re not wearing? bra
26. Favorite store? Depends
27. Your Summer? HOT
28. Love someone? oodles
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? tonight
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

*Makes me think of "Mime Time," makes me happy. Look it up. ;)

Fun Food Friday

This Fun Food Friday is truly fun. At first glance, it seems bad. However, if you factor in that it saves me from a lot of sugar and chocolate gluttony, it's very very good.

Today's food is Hershey's Special Dark Cranberry, Blueberry and Almond Chocolate Bar. I am a for real and true chocoholic. I can't survive without it for long. As you can imagine, this proves to be quite a problem for someone who isn't supposed to be noshing on any sugar at all. One of my solutions is to get these scrumptious bars and keep them in the refrigerator. For some reason, a smaller amount satisfies me more when it's cold. I break off half a square each day and savor the decadence of dark chocolate and crunchy almonds with the delightful contrast of tart-sweet dried cranberries and blueberries. It's just the right mix to help me resist the allure of more dangerous sweets. Plus, you can always fool yourself by saying that the dark chocolate has TONS of antioxidants as do the berries, and almonds are loaded with vitamin E and other goodies.

As always, if you want to participate click here. (Perhaps I should give up the ghost on that line?)

Chewed up and spit out

I am So. Worn. Down. I keep hoping that once I get my period and my cycle starts again I'll feel better. I'm on cycle day 69 though (no comments!) - 7 days after my last Provera pill - and my temperatures are still high. It's disturbingly like the last time I took glucophage. Last time I would not ovulate for long periods of time, break down and take Provera, then it would take forever to get my period on it. Soon enough the cycle would start all over again.

I don't know. Is it a good thing that I seem to hold on to progesterone longer when on the Met? I don't even know the answers to any of it anymore. Those left side pains are coming back off and on too. Lovely.

Sooo... I'm trying to get to vote early, heading to see the Grandmother soon, painting our living room (finally!) and attempting to apply to some graduate classes. With the fatigue coming back on, we'll see how well that all goes and how much I come back to blogging.

Complaining over.

FCiF

Happy Halloween from the Nephews

Nephew #1 to Sis...

As they walk out to the car to go away, Nephew notices a large spider with long dangling legs that Sis has just put up for Halloween on the side of the house.

Nephew: MOM! Where you GET DAT?!

Sis: I bought it the other day and put it up for Halloween. Do you like it?

Nephew: Mom! Why you DO dat? It scared me outta CWAP!*


Nephew #2 in a phone call to me...

Nephew: Happy berfda tooo you.

Me: Thanks honey!

SIL in background: Tell her what you saw in your book!

Nephew (screaming): WIOOOOON!**

SIL: What does a Lion say?

Nephew: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO
RRRRRRR! (as I hold the phone slightly from my ear).

Me: VERY scary!


*W = R in this instance
**W = L in this instance

Housekeeping Note

All the photos in my new banner are ones either I or Hub have taken. They're mostly mine though.

Distracted

There's a lot going on in our country to be distracted by right now isn't there?

I attended my first political rally tonight (or last night as it will appear when this post comes up). Rallies aren't entirely my cup of tea, but I enjoyed watching history. I wanted to be a part of the process for once. I was so stoked by the idea that I had crazy dreams about it for 2 days leading up. I just wish we weren't so buried in tall people.

I've also always greatly admired Colin Powell. I was dismayed when he said he wouldn't run for President a while back. At the same time however, that somewhat cemented my thought that he is a very intelligent man. ;-}

He was so very eloquent on Meet the Press recently. No matter which candidate he chose, I'm fascinated to hear his reasoning and thought process. He's careful, realistic and inclusive. And I really like that.

Crap

There's a lot going on in my brain right now. Shocking I know. But most of it is stuff I'm not comfortable putting out into the internet. Writing, reading and getting support continues to be a great comfort, but I don't know when I'll be back to "normal." I wish I was more awesome. Then it could all go away.

By the way, I will also be revamping the blog a bit. Hub helped me with that. He's quite talented.

Love
FCiF

Good Old Julie

I had almost these exact sentiments (and expressed them loudly to Hub) at this portion of last night's debate.

Note: Not telling you how to vote. Just sharing my views on what I view as a careless comment, and Julie says things so much better than I can.

Darkness Here We Come

I seem to have burrowed into a difficult little hole for the time being. I'm not sure why it happened. It could be that I'm nearing the end of my Provera run and AF is due. It could be that I've turned another year older and another dreaded year closer to "advanced maternal age." It could be that Hub has seemed down, and I can't help but worry that he feels that tick-tock as well. But you know what? I'm tired of trying to figure myself out so I can deal better. I'm tired of dealing period. I don't want to deal, I want to DO. But here I am as always.... waiting. I keep thinking about what we'll do if the Met doesn't jog my ovaries into gear. Do I go to the TCM practitioner as I was thinking? Can we even afford THAT? Of course, questions on affording that make it quite clear that there is very little chance too many more stimulated IUIs (if any) are in our future, and even less chance that IVF is. (Yes, in my desperation I've even begun to consider it despite my horrible drug reactions.)

I just read our annual enrollment for health insurance. I had been thinking about moving up a plan for better IF coverage. But guess what! Come on.. Guess! If you guessed that they have drastically reduced said coverage even on that plan, then you win the prize!!! (The prize is my sarcasm. We don't have moolah. Didn't I just say that?)

I'm so incredibly exhausted lately. I feel myself teetering on the edge of giddy one minute and anger the next. Then, for no reason that I can quite discern, my eyes will start leaking. WTF?? I'm sure part of it is hormonal, but I know part of it is also my desperation. Maybe I'll say screw it, stay on the Met, and give my favorite drug Clomid one more shot. Now, Clomid makes me want to rip out my ovaries, stomp on them and then punch the next person I see in the face, but I will try it one more time if it gives me more answers and one more shot. We can afford Clomid.

If you've started to wonder if this is a stream of consciousness rant, then I'm guessing the answer is yes. I just needed my outlet. I haven't needed the blog for this in quite a while, but I'm glad it's here. It's much better than punching my pillow and mumbling to myself. Bring on the Crazy!

I also meant to note that for a few weeks before the Provera, I had this awful ache in my left side near my ovary. I couldn't tell if it was my ovary for sure, so I waited a while. Funny thing is, it went away completely and suddenly after my third day of Progesterone. A lovely cyst perhaps? What was Miss Lefty thinking? She knows she's not the achiever of the two.


P.S. Very delayed Happy Thanksgiving to Canada!

Can't.... type...

Big weekend. Lots to do. Very sleepy. Blogger meeting fun. Farah just as cute in person. Maresi sharp and interesting. Baby adorable. Jen awesome as always.

Visits, anniversary present, birthdays aaaaaaaaaah!

Fun Food Friday

Amy's Pesto Pizza. Mmmmmmmm. I'm eating it right now, and it's making my tummy very happy. All of Amy's Pizzas are good, but this one is a particular favorite of mine. It doesn't have too much cheese on it which is good for my lactose fearing digestive system. It does, however, have just the right amount of pesto sauce, juicy, fresh tasting roma tomatoes and bright green, crisp broccoli. The crust is whole grain, which makes it an even better choice for a Met belly girl. At the beginning of the Met I couldn't stomach any grain, but now it has decided that perhaps I've paid my dues and a little whole grain a day can be tolerated.

If you'd like to join in, click here.

Birthday Burblings

Thanks for the birthday wishes! I have to say, Babychaser's cracked me up. I got Sleeping Beauty on DVD. Oh what I wouldn't give for one of Eyvind Earle's prints. His art makes me all squooshy inside. It makes me dream and sigh. Why does he have to be so darn popular, expensive and very unavailable to create more art??

I also got some other darling presents in which I will be prancing all around since it's been ages since I bought new wearables for myself. (The flowered bikini bottom doesn't count since I can't wear that to lunch.) Hub and I frolicked at a food festival as well. My other present from him was to go birding at a particularly gorgeous beach where I saw my first American oystercatchers and saw a black skimmer fishing for the first time. I could have walked that beach for hours it was so otherworldly gorgeous.

I'm also sick of myself. I'm not sleeping well. Aches and pains are sprouting up all over... all the things that happen as a cycle goes on too long. I gave in. I popped my first Provera this cycle. (Isn't it odd to call it a "cycle" when nothing's actually happening?)

Fun Food Friday - 4 days late

I can't believe I forgot about Fun Food Friday! I haven't been feeling in the mood lately, so I guess that's it.

So for this kinda sorta FFF, I'm going to choose.... ALL THE FOOD IN WHOLE FOODS'S HOT BUFFET! Every single time Hub and I get it, we are both left feeling very satisfied. The food is delicious and so fun and different. We each get a variety and then share with one another. He had a brown rice curry pilaf with peanuts, carrots, raisins and other yummies that was to die for. All that yumminess and I can find teas that don't have much added sugar that I can drink! They even have agave nectar by the napkins so I can add that. Thank God for Whole Foods.

Cycle Day 52

No ovulation that I can discern. No AF. Trying to let my body figure it out, but worrying all the while about that lining getting thicker and thicker...

My birthday is coming. A working body would have been a nice present. Note that I've long been done with thinking about how a pregnancy would be nice for my "next birthday." The silver hairs are popping up more often now. Time just keeps ticking.

Of the Unwritten

Does anyone else feel like they're losing brain cells from watching the debates? No? Maybe I'm just losing brain cells period.

Seriously. The moderator seems to be just holding the question place and not prompting true debate. (I know she's supposed to do this ok? I don't have to like it.) If I hear the words "nucular, "eye-ran" or "eye-rak" one more time, I may have to look for those pencils for my ears again. If the veep candidates smile and pretend they agree one more time, I may have to make juvenile puking motions. It is a brief thrill when I see each one hit on a subject with which they are comfortable, thus more well spoken and passionate about.

I know I've been quiet lately. It's partly due to the fact that a lot of my attention has been overtaken by this race and by the huge tides of change hitting our country from all sides. This change has definitely hit home for us in that I don't think we will ever live in the comfort of which we once dreamt. I believe that we are on the precipice of a new U.S. There have been rumblings for quite some time now but the roaring is just starting. I told Hub the other night that some day (God willing) we will be going through our childrens' and grandchildrens' history books and lessons, and this period in our history will have its own major section. They will analyze and agonize over the decisions made and actions taken.

I just feel very above my own being right now. I feel a part of something bigger. Naivete? Maybe. But if that's what allows me to keep the hope that my citizenship in this country means something, that it allows me to help direct not only my life, but the course of my home, then I'll keep it. The ache to be a mother still tightens my chest multiple times every single day. But the ache to be the kind of citizen of this country and of the world from which our children will benefit is just as strong. That's partly what I've been holding in. That's what I've left so uncharacteristically unwritten.

Happy Things Time

I have been a bit... hmm... disgruntled lately. So instead of filling my blog with my grumblings, I decided it's time to do a Happy Things post. Those usually keep me out of trouble.

1. The Amazing Race being back on! (dah, dah, dah, da-da-da, dah, dah, dah!)*
2. Stonyfield Farms Yogurt
3. Stonyfield Farms Yogurt on sale
4. Cooler nights and prettier Fall days
5. Making new friends
   
6. Friends who make you feel good
7. Fall bird migration
8. Hub being between big work at home projects**
9. Lose yourself fantasy books
10. The library!
11. Finding ways to simplify life***
12. Sweet cuddly pets
13. Tolerating Metformin better
14. Halloween coming!
15. Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack
16. The Daily Show
    

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*You mean you don't know what that is? It's the theme song from the beginning sillies! Hub and I get all excited when it comes on and sing along with it just like that. Bet you wish you could be there.

**Meaning he has more time for ME. I'm a glutton for his attention.

***I always love to have a simpler life, but it's a financial necessity now as we all know.

Slightly Distracted Fun Food Friday

Cashew Butter! Provided you like cashews, it is a creamy, flavorful balm for the tongue. You won't even notice the missing sugar. I love to eat it on toast and with apple slices. Hell, sometimes I even like to lick it right off the spoon. And unlike natural peanut butter, when I put it in the refrigerator, the consistency gets even better. When I eat cashew butter, I feel like I'm not missing dessert at all.

The one problem with it is that it's pretty pricey. Sadly, it remains a rare treat pour moi.

As always, if you'd like to contribute your review, check here.

Now I'm off to watch what remains of the debate before my bed time. Can I just say that I am quite glad that I research the issues on my own and don't use ads and debates to make my decision? There is lots of inaccuracy and generalization flying about. I watch the debates mainly to see how the candidates handle the pressure.

Might as well have some fries with that...

So you remember this post about offensive political emails at Creating Motherhood? At the time, I voted that it's generally best to just delete them. However, I forgot to add that if it's someone I care enough about, I sometimes will point out that while the email may be funny, I am among the intended targets for all the hilarity. I've had a few polite responses or interesting discussions after my replies.

However, I've also lately been barraged by a few people even after I've asked that they kindly refrain and then gone on to ignore the more rabid rants. These missives all share some important conclusions.

1. I am surely a blibbering idiot.
2. If I am not an idiot, then I am at the very least, completely unable to research facts to choose a candidate according to my beliefs on policy.*
   
3. The world will probably implode if I go ahead with the vote I intend to cast.
4. Maybe I am evil in addition to number one.
5. My candidate is the Devil and a bad tipper to boot (support for number 4).
6. I am surely a blibbering idiot.
   

WHY. WON'T. THEY. STOP?

At least the forwards aren't personal. The self-typed ones are personalized just for me. Aren't I lucky? Anyway, I'm saying all this to point out that I've developed a new policy. It is this: Unless you are pretty certain that the person with whom you are corresponding can give you a different viewpoint in an objective manner (WITH facts and true examples), just hit delete on all forwards until after the election in November. It will save a lot of hassle.**

And remember to check out those facts! Here are some whoppers from both sides so far for '08.

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*These are usually the individuals that also don't have any facts to support their thoughts - just emotions and a sense of, "I'm voting for X because he just seems like a golly gosh darn super guy!"

**Please know to those with whom I've corresponded successfully on these issues - I am not talking about you. I'm talking about the people who lash out.

Crafty Things

It's been a while since I posted any of my fun crafty things. With the moods I've been having lately, I should probably get back into that. It usually helps.

Here is a fabulously fun thing that a friend made for me:
They are scissors that you wear around your wrist while knitting. Love them!

I also knitted this scarf for a friend who gave me an extraordinarily kind and generous gift. The idea is that it looks simple and chic and is easy to wear under a nicer winter coat.You can get the pattern here: Ribbed Mini-Scarf
I added a few rows to the smallest pattern. I suppose it depends on your yarn and gauge, but mine would have been very small otherwise.

Even though I've labeled this "happy times," I can't say I've been all that "up." I just feel like a lot has been conspiring against me lately. I did finish reading "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer and enjoyed it very much!

Lazy Days

I finally got my lazy beach day! I can't normally stand the direct sun on the beach for more than an hour or so, but last year I bought an umbrella. That thing is a God send! Hallelujah! We were able to soak up the perfect weather and doze under the beautiful blue sky for about four hours. I can't emphasize enough the importance of an umbrella when visiting a Florida beach.

I have a lot of things planned for the next few weekends. As a result, I don't know how much blogging I'll be doing. Right now I'm somewhere in the late 30's in my cycle (who keeps track after a while?) and I've had 6 straight days of the same temp. Loverly.

Thanks so much for the great comments on my previous post. I will reply per the usual.
xo
FCiF

Convoluted Catharsis

I have not been having the greatest time emotionally lately. I have insecurity issues at the best of times, but add that with some of the latest barrels of laughs, and it becomes a glaring problem.

Generally, as my cycles lengthen (CD 34 now) without any ovulation or period, I start sleeping more fitfully. My theory is that I need the cycle of progesterone in my body for some semblance of normalcy. During my luteal phases and when on provera, I usually sleep very well. I also start to notice more unexplained mood shifts, anxiety and depression as the cycle slogs on. As I continue to lose out on sleep, those problems only intensify. I'm beginning one of those awful phases now. It's always a guessing game to see how long I should wait before taking the provera that will end the angst. This time I guess I will have to call Endo to see if it matters that I'm taking glucophage at the same time. I can't imagine it does.

Now we pile on the things that make it worse. We recently had an anonymous peer review at work (you remember.. that place I've been whining about?). I generally like to know how I'm performing, but this was more about personality and social skills. Still - I thought I would like to know. The thing I didn't count on was that I would have more surprises than I imagined. I had surprises that seriously made me reconsider who I thought I was compared to what I must portray. I also wondered if I had been completely wrong about relationships I thought were very stable. It's been very unsettling for me. And I'm learning that when my physical self is unsettled and completely out of my control, I need some semblance of stability for my emotional self lest I lose it all.

I will probably try to address some of the issues I saw in my evaluations, but at the same time, I am so weary. I am so afraid of becoming "that person." I'm so afraid of becoming the person that is not self aware and who doesn't seek to better herself. I strive all the time to work on my flaws and further my learning about who I am and about the world around me. I'm not sure if I'm always successful (especially after this eval), but it is difficult for someone with the security and depression issues that I have. But I do try. Tonight though, I half sobbed to Hub, "Is it ok if I just decide to give in and be ME? Can I just accept that I have these flaws, try to work around them and accept myself as I am? Then if someone doesn't like me, that's fine right? That's just how it is."

Hub's answer - "Yes honey, that's absolutely fine. It's what I always do. It will save you a lot of worry. You can't please everyone." (I'm paraphrasing)

I liked that answer. I'm really tired. I'm tired in so many ways. I'm tired of struggling at work, with finances, with myself, with my reproductive system, with my whole body. I'm tired of trying to mold myself to fit all people and all situations. I'm actually tired of trying to better myself. Sometimes I want to just BE. I'm tired of living this weird half-life. Half of me is still tied up in motherhood - in the need to mother. I want to be whole. I want a simpler life.

I'm going to try to get there. I'm done with that phase of my life. The "bettering myself" phase has lasted about 14 years. I think I'm done. I will still better myself, but mainly to please me. I will better myself to more reflect the moral, happy, learned person that I want to be, not that I'm told or that I imagine others want. And to start that, I need to back down. I've spoken of the need for that before... of the need to be quieter, more observant, less vocal until I can get a handle on me. I wanted to be strong, open and confident. I don't anymore. Now I want to be quiet, reflective and confident. The other isn't working so well anyway. Don't worry. If I'm absolutely confident in your presence and in your love for me, a lot of the openness will come back quickly once I sort some stuff out. If not, and you'd like it to, then the ball's in your court. I'm totally OK with a quieter relationship and more armor for my feelings. Although Hub says I should try to just "not care," I imagine that will take a while.

Thanks to all for your help along the way to finding out who I am and what I need.

I Just Had to Share

I have a story to add to the previous post. So we went shopping, and I found a super clearance deal on what I thought were cute little hot shorts bikini bottoms. They were blue, green and white with a design on the front and they were $5.00. I happened to have a very cheap white bikini top that I had gotten from a Victoria's Secret clearance that would go perfectly with them. I bought them and showed them off excitedly to Jen.

Then I got home and tried them on. The front was so cute! The little stitched design was adorable and they covered a little more of the problem areas - just like I prefer. But then I turned around. They rode very high up on my "cheeks," exposing quite a lot more than I like. What's worse is that that style does not fit my body very well. I have a certain noticeable lack of "cheeks" to show off. Dejected, I put them away and pouted to Hub on the phone about not being able to wear it (even though he thought they would be awesome of course.)

When Hub got home, he insisted that I show him. I was adamant that I would never wear such an atrocity, but he stood firm. I started to put them on again when I noticed something - the tag was inside the front of the suit. "Weird," I thought to myself, "The tag usually goes in the back." Then it dawned on me. I was wearing the bottoms backwards the first time I tried them on. That cute design on the "front?" It was supposed to be on your bottom. When I tried it on the right way, it looked very cute.

Hub laughed and laughed. How triumphant he felt! Finally! His wife has a bikini that she will actually wear without too much shyness! In my defense, that design really is so cute that I thought it would be on the front. I'm apparently the opposite of "young" and not "hip" to the fact that most designs now emphasize your bottom. sigh.

Therapy Day

OK, so finally I can say I feel good in a post and mean it! My very angry stomach and very woozy head decided to give me a break today after I watched my diet very closely. I am much improved, though still not on the feelin' good high I was on most of the past week.

Thank goodness I did feel good, because Jen came by and we did a spot of shopping and sightseeing. I'd say we were pretty successful with both. Damn I love a bargain. The eating portion of our outing was filled with some particularly memorable laughing and snorting that probably was not so becoming. I guess she likes me if she could see that red-faced mess and be ok with it. To add to the fun, I managed to wear some of that most detested of herbs - cilantro - on my forehead*. At least Jen didn't make me walk around with it stuck there all day. The laughing fit must have loosened me up, because despite my efforts to be on best behavior, Jen also managed to see a little of the potty mouthed me. Lovely. That's what my profession does to a person - turns her into a rough and tumble little sailor. Let's see... liberal, loony, messy and potty mouthed. What do ya think of me now internets**?

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*It's much better there than in the mouth. Ugh. I have decided that I will appropriate Jen's term for it - the Devil's herb.

**Thank you GWB for giving us such wonderful catch phrases and mispronunciations. Nucular War in eye-rak anyone? (This disease seems to be contagious).

Who Needs Twitter?

Oh my good Lordy. Remember my post about Mott's Applesauce? I just tried the Granny Smith flavor. I bought it on a whim, thinking it might be ok, but that the berry flavors would always be first in my heart. I was soooooooo WRONG. It is deliciousness in a small, plastic non-recyclable (see this Mott's?) cup. It almost made me swoon at first taste. It's tart, but sweet. It's complex. It's... delicious. I'm at a loss.

You might be saying, "If you love it so much why don't you marry it?" Don't tempt me.

On how I felt great, then didn't, then went all political on your asses

I was going to blog about how good I've been feeling lately, but this morning that all seemed to go down the tubes. So instead, I'd like to share a very interesting article that Hub sent to me. It was one of those rare things that almost literally causes me to squint from the glare of the lightbulb that has just gone on above my head. The psychologist who wrote it is very liberal, but his viewpoints on the differences between conservative and liberal thinking and how we can bridge the gap between the two beneficial stances is fascinating.

Please enjoy: What Makes People Vote Republican?

As a footnote, I'd like to add that Snopes has gotten a lot of my readership lately with some of the claims that have been flying around about the candidates. Please research before hitting forward. Please research the issues thoroughly (and not by watching the Ads or the candidates themselves) before you decide on your candidate. We cannot afford ignorance.

Fun Food Friday - Issue 3!

Today's fun food is .... AGAVE NECTAR! This delightful sweetener is light and supposedly low on the glycemic index. That's all the proof I need to eat it! It melts so much easier than honey, and tastes particularly fabulous in teas and drizzled over no sugar added peanut butter bread. I've even used it in plain yogurt to great effect.

If you can believe it, I actually prefer agave nectar to sugar. It melts faster than sugar, it has a lighter taste, but sweetens more heavily, and the way the syrup wraps lightly around my tongue but doesn't stick makes me sigh. Since it actually is sweeter than sugar, remember to follow instructions on how much agave to use when substituting.

Happy sweet tooth everyone!

For info on how to join Fun Food Fridays, click here.

Complaining Again

The joys of Metformin. I already hate it nearly as much as I hated Clomid. I'm still giving it a chance though. Endo confirmed that those with hypothyroid usually suffer a higher number of and more severe side effects than the rest of the population. The good news in that is that I haven't been crazy all these years... at least not about that.

Here's the deal now. I feel like my period is coming all the time - lower back ache, cramping in ovaries and uterus, mood swings and skin break out. I love it. The persistent light nausea seems to be getting a little better. I do wonder though - I've had trouble focusing and had some vision problems for about a week and a half now. Is that something I should be concerned about? Should I call my doctor? I hate to bug her with everything if it's nothing ya know?

What a lovely post. Sometimes I don't even attempt eloquence. And you know what? It's a little freeing - like watching TV in your underwear.

The Ache

I was a complete "oops" baby as they were referred to in those days. So the big brother I always thought would be cool to have? Not for me. And then after me there was turmoil and strife and no more babies. I used to plead with my Mom for a little sister. I obviously didn't understand quite how that happened. I also used to pray at night for a little sister to call my own.

Then my Mom met my Stepfather. He had an 8 month old baby girl. I didn't see her for the answer to my prayers that she was. I hefted her around as best a 7 year old could and treated her like she was a cute kid that I was helping to babysit. Then Mom and Stepfather got more serious. I got jealous. There were lots of battles of wills between all concerned. When someone called that fun, chubby kid who got into my stuff my "sister," I would always make sure they knew exactly how we had become a family. Again - I was young and stupid and didn't see that my prayer had been answered. I liked her, don't get me wrong. She was cute and sweet, but there was so much stuff going on that it got in the way of my clear thinking.

As the years wore on, and I got wiser, I started to understand just what an amazing gift I had been given. We fought like crazy, yes. You'd think with a 7 year age difference that I would be above that, but no dice. She screamed at me so I sat on her. She eavesdropped. I tattled. But through that trial by fire, we became true sisters. In my heart, there is no one else who could fill that space as she does.

And yet again, she has proven what a considerate, wonderful sister she is. I know I blabber about my family (maybe brag is the right word) a lot, but it's because they really do deserve accolades. They have been almost to a man (and yes I mean man) so understanding and helpful through this struggle. I would probably lose it completely without them. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful family and such a wonderful husband. I feel guilty sometimes even expecting to get what I want family wise because I've already been given so much. It's part of why I'm paranoid about Hub's safety.

There I go again, losing my train of thought. All this lead-up is just to say that Sis is pregnant again. She sent me an e-mail to tell me. You may think that sounds inconsiderate, but it's not. It's how I like to find out so I can control my reaction. Even though I'm happy for people, I never know if I'm going to be able to express it properly or not, and that makes me feel badly. She also was so sweet in the way she wrote it. Actually, when I read the first line, my heart started to pound because the way it was written I thought that I had done something and she was trying to tell me that she was done with me! haha.

I hate to think that people have to grovel to me when they tell me about their pregnancies, but in some crappy way, that's what I seem to expect. I need that understanding that they understand and appreciate my struggle. She expressed herself so eloquently and with such feeling that how could I ever doubt that she understands and cares?

It does hurt, but I think not in the way she expects. I wrote back to her and expressed my gratitude and congratulations. I told her how much I love her, and how I just wish we could share some of what it is to be pregnant, to be a mother. I also wrote about how much I wish we could have children near the same age who could be cousins. I want them to run and play together just like I did with my cousins. I wrote that and I began to sob. I could feel it burning in my chest long before that, but as I got to that last bit, that's what did it. Just as Unsung Lullabies said, it's the death of my reproductive story. The one I had written for myself is already long gone even if we do have children. My Grandfather won't know them. My beloved Aunt won't know them. More family members who should have been able to meet my children age as I sit childless. I don't even get to experience pregnancy with my Sister.

Luckily though, I've been grieving about this for well over 2 years. The sobbing is intense and brief. Then I get about life's business. I'm getting good at it. I'm also very lucky in that once I can focus on the new human in our midst, love overtakes jealousy and grief. Someday, maybe I can let go of this dream of pregnancy and of the fear of adoption, and we will have our child. But I really don't think the ache will ever truly disappear.

There's an ELECTION going on?

A brief departure from the world of "me" for some political stuff. (Well ok, only a little departure since it's still about what I think.)

I usually try to stay fairly quiet and balanced about my own leanings, but it's getting closer, and I'm not going to be able to gag myself as much. Besides, if you haven't figured out that I lean quite liberal yet, then I imagine you don't mind.

Io at Who Shot My Stork has had some very interesting political observations lately. I like it when other bloggers are eloquent. It takes any pressure off me to be the same about world events. ;}

I also recently saw this genius Daily Show clip.

Oh, and I always admired John McCain. I no longer admire his politics though and am somewhat glad he made it easier for me to make my voting decision. This video may be a bit mean spirited in places, but near the end, it illustrates quite eloquently what I liked about the man before this election, and what I don't like about him now.