Vindicated

I have a lot I'd like to say about Christmas and about some of the gifts we received, but I have been consumed by other dealings lately. Hopefully soon...

On the graduate school front, some of my upper management is coming through for me. It seems that in fact, I have done no wrong and that the mismanagement did not come from me. (Imagine that!) I have had an apology and a promise to try to make it right so that I can attend school in January. I feel very good about how this turned out and how I handled everything. I tried to remain as professional as possible.

On top of that, another position in the same company has been posted. I will be applying this week. Wish me luck.

To help me learn to continue to manage these sorts of situations with more aplomb and less angst, I have been trying to learn more about confidence and calm. To that goal, I have been reading How to Practice The Way to a Meaningful Life by the Dalai Lama. Actually, I have been more studying than reading. It is fascinating. A lot of it seems common sense, but man does it help to have it organized in this way. I can't say enough good things about it. And oddly enough, it came to me from someone who has helped cause some of my suffering. He has not read it (of course), but it was a cast-off from his wife. The world works in mysterious ways.

Hub Meme

To Baby and Beyond had a great meme posted that I wanted to share. It makes me feel good to talk about Hub. Although I am presuming quite a lot here. I'm sure his answers would be a bit different.

5 Things DH Loves:

1. Me
2. Family
3. Animals
4. Art
5. Food
(I don't know if those are the tops. He also loves cities and movies and travel and on and on and on)

5 Things on DH's "To Do" List:

1. Visit Japan (more of a dream really)
2. Yard Work
3. Go through and clean out his "stuff"
4. Make arrangements for his conventions
5. Lots of work stuff

5 Foods DH Enjoys:

1. Shrimp
2. Lobster Bisque
3. Steak
4. Tuna Noodle cassarole
5. Sushi
(note the absense of veggies and fruits)

5 Things You May Not Know About DH :

1. He likes to be more private than I do.
2. There are a lot of things I still don't know about DH, so I'm not sharing all his secrets with you guys. ;-)
3. He is reserved in public, but very affectionate, fun and silly in private.
4. He loves sunsets as much as I do.
5. He has lived in 3 countries and 4 states/provinces.

5 Quirky Things About DH :

1. He loves scaring me, and his favorite thing to say instead of "Boo" is "BAGGA!"
2. He likes sleeping with lots of pillows.
3. He can't stand to be forced into walking or driving at the same speed as a crowd.
4. He loves to turn his head and see my automatic reaction to kiss him.
5. He can't live without constant access to tea, hot chocolate or flavored coffees.

Even I didn't think they could sink so low...

Loveliness is reigning at work. Certain management has decided to make false assumptions about the process I used to go about gaining support for my schooling. When they made those false assumptions, they halted the process of my paperwork and sent me a nasty-gram. Those assumptions cannot be corrected by the management that has the proof that they are false until they work on the same day again. That same day is exactly 4 days before what is supposed to be the start of classes. I very nearly broke my rule and burst into tears in front of all my coworkers as I read that. The shock of the nasty-gram was that intense. So much for Christmas cheer.

Internets - I don't know if going back to school is going to happen. Do they realize they're messing with someone's LIFE here?

Fun Food Friday - Christmas edition!

Remember how I mentioned the homemade cranberry sauce I found on thepioneerwoman.com? Well, I changed it slightly, and that's going to be my FFF for this week. I have a few others I'm excited to write about as well, but the holiday one takes precedence for now.

In Pioneer Woman's recipe, it calls for one cup of juice, one cup of pure maple syrup and 3 TBSP of lemon juice. Today I added all of that, but instead of maple syrup, I used slightly less than one cup of agave nectar. It was delicious and SAFE FOR ME TO EAT! It didn't thicken like the syrup did, so in the future, I may add a little less juice, or add a little gelatin. But I love me a slightly more tart than sweet cranberry, and these sure fit the bill. Homemade cranberry sauce is my new addiction. I think it's going to be my "dish" that I make for holiday functions. It's so easy and so tasty. All of my critics from Thanksgiving to today have loved it as well (or at least say they do).

Happy leftover days everyone!

Happy Sigh

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE IT!

We had a wonderful, quiet Christmas with just the two of us (and a dinner addition of a good friend) for the whole day. It was so relaxed and lovely, and I am very happy. Our gifts this year from everyone (including each other) were just so thoughtful and perfect. We're used to small Christmases, especially since we bought the house. Now we've decided it will probably be a theme for us. Now and then we'll do a big ticket item, and this year was especially tight, but it's just so nice to have it be more about the thoughts and feelings of the day. Hub was especially thoughtful. He was so proud because he didn't even use a list! The people for whom we bought gifts were all very appreciative too.

Now we're continuing to play with our toys and wind down. We had a slightly unconventional (at least to an American.. not so much to the Hub) Christmas dinner tonight, and it was a lot of fun! Last night we had lasagne and rolls before heading to our new church for a pretty Christmas Eve service. Tonight we had steak and lobster tail for the hub and friend with a few slices of turkey off Whole Foods hot bar for me. We also had my famous garlic mashed potatoes*, noodles, rolls, cranberry sauce, broccoli and chocolate pie. The candles were lit, and the lights are still on as we cling to the remaining feelings of Christmas. I've been highly emotional in that even sappy commercials have been known to cause me to choke back tears. Hormones and holidays - does it every time. I have a lot of posts brewing off of the past few days! What an energizer!

*I can call them world famous since Hub is Canadian, and I'm American.

Baby Love

I went to see the lovely Elizabeth today. You know.. the Elizabeth of Jen the blogger fame. I'm so much more connected when I'm around babies whose parents I trust and care about. I actually really wanted to go meet Elizabeth, and I don't have the angst or complete disinterest that I sometimes have with other people's babies. Much like my friend Ky, I know Jen understands and is ok with me being however I need to be. That frees me for some reason and then I really am ok. The human psyche is so weird.

But enough about me. I don't know what the in-laws are doing to make that baby cry, because she seems like a perfect angel to me. It has to be them. ;-)

Gotta Have Faith

This post by Farah at Fertilized struck a chord with me, as her posts usually do. I identify with a lot of the things she says in it and struggle with the very same thoughts and feelings on religion. However, since I am fairly private about much of my life (at least on the internets), I don't usually feel up to sharing much of this aspect. I am in awe of how much Farah is able to share so eloquently.

So in the spirit of that sharing, I decided it's my turn (to an extent. ;-). My religious protestant background is similar to hers, and I'm married to a Catholic. So far we've managed to blend to some degree since he also has these feelings about religion, and we can both let go enough to blend. Both of us aren't sure what all we believe. Both of us have a lot of wariness toward organized religion from past experience of hypocrisy, non-inclusion and things we just don't think are right (examples including thinking no one should use birth control, or that science has a place in Faith or that religion has a place in science). Both of us also have difficulty with churches that are all about loving and hugging and praising God without any of the practical applications of daily life.

Before we left the cold white north for Florida, we had found a wonderful Catholic Church that we both adored. It was unusual in that it was a more humble looking Catholic Church, which made humble Protestant me feel at home. The head Priest was also an amazing man. We got newsletters every month, and in them he addressed things like why we shouldn't try to combine evolution theories and faith and why they can co-exist peacefully, and why we should love all, not judge and include anyone who wanted to be included. He was also very down to earth in his sermons, and was very interesting to listen to. When it was time for us to marry, he had no problem with me remaining Protestant, and having Protestant ministers at the ceremony. A previous priest of Hub's had demanded that I track down the military Protestant minister who had performed my baptism on base so that he could talk to him to prove it had happened - even though I had the handkerchief and form. It didn't seem to matter that the man was old when he had done it 25 years before, and probably wasn't around anymore or that we had no idea how to contact him. The newer Priest accepted my baptismal certificate without judgment. He was wonderful, as was the church community. In short, we got the peace, acceptance and reflection we were looking for there.

Then we moved here. It's no secret that church-going is a bit different in the South. As a generalization it's a bit more fervent, a bit less solemn, and a bit less inclusive. At least that has been our experience. We tried many different churches, protestant and catholic, without much success. There was the one in which the priest appeared to be drunk or have some sort of mental malfunction at least half the time. There was the one where there were so many people that huge groups were standing in the back, and you couldn't see the priest. That one also included our first experience with a child urinating on the floor where no one seemed to give a damn (including the parents), even though we tried. And the message at this one was incredibly simplistic. It turned out to be a tourist church. Then there was the one that was very small, very protestant and a bit too familiar for my very Catholic Hub. I was ok with it, but I could see how it could quickly become a place where it was whispered about why so and so didn't come this Sunday. Let's also not forget the one we've been trying to like for a while now since it's close and pretty, but is just way too kumbaya for our tastes. I really don't like holding hands, and I especially don't like holding strangers hands frequently. I also don't like simplistic new praise music that seems to be written for kindergarten children. I yearn for the complex rhythms, times, octaves and messages of yesteryear. We aren't illiterate or musical morons simply because we're attending church. This place also seems decidedly NOT inclusive.

Thus we had started to attend less and less even though we both felt the need for that peace and reflection. I started to turn to books on eastern religions for some of it. But yesterday we attended a non-denominational Christian church in the city. It was my first experience with a more "modern" church. I have to say I liked it very much. I think we both did. There were parts that were a bit over the top for me and very "southern," but overall, I was interested, the messages were applicable, yet maintained ties to the beautiful history of much of the Bible and I managed to obtain the peace and reflection for which I had searched. There are some amazing support and activity groups in this church, and inclusion seems to be its middle name. In fact, as the pastor was reading his sermon, he recommended that we attend a Christmas Eve service if we were looking for that "spiritual" feeling this Christmas. And he went on to say, "I don't care if you attend here, or go to the great crystal palace with donkeys that fly around the ceiling. If you are feeling lost and need that spiritual feeling, just please attend a service somewhere."

My very Catholic Hub who has attended very few Protestant services left feeling interested, bemused, peaceful and confused, but I think he liked it. I left feeling that some of that service was not for me, but that was ok. It was ok by me, and it was ok by them. I also felt rejuvenated and at peace. We are going to give it a few more goes to see if this is it. Let's hope this is what we were searching for.

Letting Go of the Fantasy

At some point in this blog, I discussed how it made me feel to unwrap the "Baby's First Christmas" ornament that my Mom bought preemptively because it was so cute she couldn't resist. I can't find that post, but I do remember mentioning how it felt like such a sham to be putting it on the tree, and how I couldn't fight the surge of resentment I felt as I picked it up.

This year it is remaining tightly in its box, packed away.

Gettin' Smrt

I'VE BEEN OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED INTO THE GRADUATE PROGRAM! Now since they took so long I have to rush all my paperwork.

Go me!

Funny Sh*t

Significant Others: Want to stay out of the doghouse this Holiday season? I suggest you take this warning seriously.

Random Questions and Thoughts

1. I keep reading that diet and exercise are far more successful at improving health than glucophage is.
   
2. WTF? Really? Is this always the case?
   
3. If it is, then I'm a huge failure, because I tried the diet exercise route for a looooooong time.
4. Another team in which I'm interested at work may be having an opening soon.
   
5. I think I may go for it.
6. My team is not getting any better.
7. My blood pressure needs to come down (not literally).
8. Endo says the stress levels need to be reduced.
   
9. I'm all for it.
10. The house is finally decorated.
11. It looks pretty.
12. Hub is sweet. xoxo
    

Back on the Wagon

First of all; can I just say my God it's a beautiful day? This is what Floridians live all summer for. OK, now that I've gotten that out of my system...

The holidays suck for people trying to control their sugar intake. I seem to do well with a moderate amount of white grain and with a pretty high amount of whole grains. This is good since I prefer whole grains anyway. The reason I tried going back to more grains instead of avoiding all carbs is just because I was SO DAMN HUNGRY. I just can't do it. I've lost about 6 more pounds on the Met, and am at my lowest weight since high school. I need to eat what fills me up damn it. And a high protein diet just doesn't cut it. Sugar and raw veggies? They still are bad news for me. The raw veggies are just bad news for my GI tract. Sugar is bad news all around. And I've fallen off the wagon big time in the last couple of weeks.

SO - I went to the endocrinologist today. She was lovely as usual. I had my blood levels done about 3 weeks ago, and it showed that my glucose level is still 97. Healthy is 99 and under. That's good in that I'm not over 99, but she is surprised by that higher level considering my age and weight. She says she should normally see in the 80's for my group (especially on glucophage). I'm not sure why she's surprised since I have PCOS. Maybe my glucose did come down after that, and that's why I ovulated. I don't know. But I do know that I'm hungrier than ever and am in a bad diet rut. It's time to get back on the wagon. I want my body to do well. Honestly, I don't really crave sugar anymore. What I crave is FOOD. Therefore, if I am hungry, and a sugary snack is readily available... you bet I'm going to stuff it in my maw.

Since Hub is trying to lose weight, and I have been a bad girl, we are going to try to keep good foods only in the house again. Christmas cookies? We're giving most of them away. Christmas dinner? We're cooking it ourselves in healthy style.

Is there anything else I can do besides cut down sugar, be on glucophage and be at a good weight to lower glucose levels? I have a sneaking suspicion this is a big part of my ovulation problem (along with all the other big parts. I'm such a friggin mess.).

Botanical Homicide

It's official. I am a plant murderer. My last "air plant" (epiphyte) suffered its painful demise over the past week. I have one tropical plant that has been with me since college that has almost died so many times it must qualify as feline. I'm so thankful to that plant that I get deep anxiety every time I almost kill it. Seriously, what kind of human can't even keep an AIR PLANT alive?

Dear Reproductive System,

Thirteen day luteal phase - not too shabby ovaries! Feeling like my reproductive organs are pushing through my pelvic floor while tendrils of pain lance down my thighs and up my back? Not too pleasant uterus.

Fun Food(??) Friday

I'll let you be the judge on the Fun in this Food Friday. hehe. I thought it was fun.. if disgusting. Don't tell me you weren't warned. Womb for Improvement has hijacked Fun Food Friday this week with quite the book about a certain food idea. I'm not even going to attempt to come up with something equally as attention grabbing.*

Spit or Swallow
(yes, it's dirty)

*In a secret aside whisper... "Thanks WFI, for getting me off the hook this week. *wink*"

A Little Update

Yes, I attempted to take a photo of individual snowflakes with my camera. I think I heard my 4 year old digital point and shoot snicker as I clicked the shutter. That snow was particularly lovely. My frostbitten buns were not. I am glad to be warm again. It's funny though how quickly Hub and I both sink back into that world. It took us a long time to adjust to Florida, and we still have moments where we feel alien. But in that world, a day or two is all it takes. I guess that's what happens when you spend 20 plus of your formative years somewhere.

Right now I find myself scrambling. Trips, Christmas presents, cards, cleaning, decorating, work, errands, blogs, knitting, bills... all heaping up on my plate. Most of the things are pleasurable, and I want to get to them, there just aren't enough of me!*

For now just know that I am not really dreaming of a White Christmas.... er.. ok, perhaps just a day or two. But I am dreaming that perhaps someone could come be my personal assistant for a few weeks?

*Multiplicity comes to mind.

Fun Food Friday is Back

I'm Back! My latest obsession for lunches at work is Lean Cuisine Spa Classics. I know, I know. It's a frozen meal. But seriously, when these suckers are on sale, I go crazy! They're more "whole" foods than many other frozen meals. The pastas and rice are all whole grain. They're very tasty in my humble opinion. (I particularly love the butternut squash ravioli, chicken in peanut sauce and sesame stir-fry.) And they have a LOT more veggies than most other meals! Hurray! I usually don't even have to be starving to want to eat the chicken!

They are more expensive though, so I buy them when they're on sale.

Womb for Improvement joined up last week, but I dropped the ball. So better late than never! If you want to join in, leave a note. :)
Zinc or Swim

*P.S. I realize I'm a little off in my writing. I am quite sleepy.

Happy Things Post

Work is decidedly NOT better. It's great that I exceeded expectations and all, but if you're going to treat me like I'm an asshole, why give me the good rating? Good news is though that I spoke to everyone else, and 7 of my 9 coworkers think I'm doing a good to great job, the head of the department of the project I like working on and at which I feel competent thinks I'm doing a great job, and the boss of my bosses is very happy with my work and communication style. Other managers also know the situation with mine. So I should be pretty safe if I want to go somewhere else within the company. That's a great thing. It's good to know I'm doing well, but at the same time, why are these people allowed to continue their crap?

OK.. enough about that. The whole point was, that situation is so crappy that I decided a Happy Things Post was in order. Here goes (in no particular order)...

1. Seeing the space shuttle at night for the first (and probably last) time!
2. Being able to see Jupiter and Venus with the naked eye.
3. Elizabeth Rose
4. seeing one of the nephews this weekend
5. seeing snow this weekend
6. leaving said snow behind after this weekend
7. Nintendogs (yes I'm behind the times)
8. BrainAge
9. Sweet, supportive Hub
10. homemade Christmas gifts
11. Sleep
12. Comfy warm sleeping clothes
13. Crisp air, but warm sunshine
14. Nice high basal temps (and the girls are sore! GO progesterone!)

All done. :)
FCiF

Happy/Sad

Another one of our family's old guard passed away today - my great Uncle. And my great Aunt (my Grandma's sister) had a stroke a few days ago. It's hard to accept this changing of the guard. My parents and their peers are now the heads of the family. I don't like it one bit.

On the other hand, Jen and Baby Steps to Baby Shoes may be having babies soon! Life is so complex and horrible and beautiful all at once. I often think though that it could not be nearly so beautiful without the tragedy.

A Note on the Brownies

These were quite scrumptious and have piqued a lot of interest online and off. They are Ghirardelli (pronounced as in Grrr.. not George) brownie mix found in most grocery stores. In fact, they were buy one get one at Publix last week. I have tasted most of the flavors, and this was hands down the best. They were dark chocolate with semi-sweet chocolate chips. Mmmm mmm. Quite easy. Have fun baking!

Lots of Thanks-Giving

Hey Peeps! Thanksgiving was so fabulous. I absolutely love to cook. It's one of the ways I think I can mother without being a Mom. Plus, I just love the creative aspect of it.

Anyway, so since I had to work, I started cooking days before. I'm notoriously bad at homemade stuffing, but I used a good recipe this year, and it turned out ok. I despair of ever cooking stuffing like my Mom does. She tells me time and time again how to do it, and time and time again it just turns out gross. Mom's is like a big meaty loaf of chicken and herby roasted bread. I LOVE IT. And I haven't had it in 5 years. sigh. I also pre-made dark chocolate Ghirardelli brownies. WAY worth it. More delicious than any brownie I've ever tasted. Seriously. My pumpkin pie is scrumptious and always a must. And finally, for the preparation extravaganza, I made homemade cranberry sauce that I found on The Pioneer Woman. It was PERFECT! I was incredibly happy with it, and so were it seems, my "guests." I already have another bag of cranberries in the freezer, ready to go for Christmas. Thank you PW!

On the day of, with the help of the wonderful Hub, the turkey breast went in and we made pole green beans with bacon bits, noodles and gravy and roasted garlic mashed potatoes. A delightful co-worker came over with some libations, and we all thoroughly enjoyed the spread. Then Hub and I continued to enjoy it for 4 days afterwards. Just as we were getting tired of it, it was gone. I LOVE HOLIDAY FOOD.

And finally, though my fatigue continues, I've been feeling so balanced emotionally and hormonally. Peace hasn't lasted this long for me since before puberty. I imagine Hub is giving thanks for that every single day... possibly every single hour. Could it be the Metformin? I don't know yet. But if it is, it's also caused another reason for giving thanks - I ovulated!!!

It didn't seem like the best ovulation ever with the best fertility signs, but it's a step in the right direction! I really do hope it's the Met so that I know once and for all that insulin issues are at the heart of my main problem. Nothing else seems to be the primary culprit. I guess we'll see if I keep ovulating and if my bloodwork shows improved blood lipid levels, testosterone and glucose scores.

I'm also so incredibly thankful for some truly wonderful family, friends and experiences. I feel like Hub and I have had an amazing life together and have seen and done amazing things. I'm very proud of who we turned out to be as a couple. I've made some great new friends the past few years that I hope to have for a lifetime as well. Even if we haven't hung out much, I'm so glad to have met and known you. Jen and Matt, a great group of girls from work, Kelly and Karl, Stephanie, Lisa, this great online community (including all of my links on the sidebar) - thank you all. You have helped to shape me and show me the way through this struggle.