OK. I know I'm risking a verbal lashing by even pointing out my political leanings, but I can't stand it. I have to share this. And know that this is my blog. You are very welcome to share your thoughts but only if you come here with the intent to share and not to browbeat me into submission with your rhetoric. ;-)
So here is a little piece I saw on Yahoo today: Bush: US is not headed into recession - Yahoo! News
Take the time to read it. Guffaw if you will. I guess when you don't have to pump your own gas (AND you and your cronies have your hand in oil), the prices at the pump really don't mean all that much. Oh, and that eensy little housing slump?* What? You say your house is worth $40,000 less than when you bought it? And that happened in less than a year's time? Pshaw. That's nothing. The economy is fabulous. You'll recover from the 4% increase** in cost of living and stagnant wages in no time. Oh.. and our dollar? You say Brits come up to you regularly to laud its poor value for their vacations? Whatever. We'll bounce back in no time. Those Chinese have nothing on us. WE'RE AMERICANS.*
One more note. I was agonizing recently over which candidate I liked and why. Then I realized; it's flippin' awesome if your problem is that you actually like things about all the likely presidential
candidates!! That hasn't been my problem in a long time. Huzzah!
*Note: Heavy sarcasm in use. Shield if necessary.
**Please don't quote me. I've been half listening to the radio again. All I really know is that cost of living is HIGH, and people aren't making ends meet with stagnant wages.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I'm scattered.
First of all, let me warn any of you attempting to send me email that I recently found out that Yahoo selectively eats certain emails even from known senders. *sigh* So if any of you have noticed that I'm not answering messages, I'm sorry. That also means that I sometimes miss the posting of a new comment.
It was this crappy problem that led me to miss the debut of a new blog I've been waiting for! A friend of mine has decided to try her hand at this blogging thing, and I think she does a darn good job! Check out the Impatient Patient. Love the title. :)
Another friend has started a blog too, but I'm not sure how public she's going with it. In any case, congrats! I'm so excited to have more people in the circle!
In other news, not much news. I've been having some anxiety again. I really could do without that. I'm also a little back into the, "Why isn't it my turn?" mode. Not fun either. But my BIG story is that I saw my first yellow-bellied sapsucker today, AND it's been cold so I've been wearing my scarf! Woo Hoo!
It was this crappy problem that led me to miss the debut of a new blog I've been waiting for! A friend of mine has decided to try her hand at this blogging thing, and I think she does a darn good job! Check out the Impatient Patient. Love the title. :)
Another friend has started a blog too, but I'm not sure how public she's going with it. In any case, congrats! I'm so excited to have more people in the circle!
In other news, not much news. I've been having some anxiety again. I really could do without that. I'm also a little back into the, "Why isn't it my turn?" mode. Not fun either. But my BIG story is that I saw my first yellow-bellied sapsucker today, AND it's been cold so I've been wearing my scarf! Woo Hoo!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Unsung Lullabies - Ch. 6 & 7
Disclaimer and disappointments: The next 2 chapters primarily discuss the problems amongst husbands and wives when trying to conceive. I was sorry to see that there wasn't more detailed info on male reproductive issues. I was also sorry to see that it was assumed that people needing counseling for infertility were all heterosexual couples. There was no mention of single parenting, same-sex relationships, or unmarried couples. This is completely the authors' choice, and may have been done in the interest of not having to write a tome, but just understand that that's why I don't have any coverage of those issues in my review. I imagine some of it translates, but not a lot. I'm sorry for that.
Chapter 6 is entitled, "Men Have Feelings Too." Much of what was said in this chapter was touched on in previous ones. It makes a lot of good points about how men handle grief versus how women usually handle it. It reiterates that women often retreat into depression and are more likely to seek help, whereas men go into "action mode," and try to pretend they're ok. They tend to take control at work or in other areas since they feel so out of control in the area of infertility. Women don't always grasp this method of dealing with pain, and can sometimes feel that the men don't care about what is happening. This note was a nice segue into Chapter 7: Relationships Under Fire.
Again, this chapter seems to expound upon ideas already raised in other areas of the book. A thought of note is that for women, this experience is very physical and immediate. It is physical for men, but in a more detached, non constant way. This is another difference that can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding as to how each gender is handling the trauma. I've often heard female friends mention that they are more immediately involved in the problem of infertility, and that their husbands "get on board" much later. That makes perfect sense when we look at how differently we are involved in and handle the situation from a gender perspective. I know it took DH and I a while to understand the angle from which each was coming, and to respect each other's feelings on the issue.
The authors go on to discuss our coping strategies and the control and power dynamics that can emerge. Sometimes, since we feel so out of control on the reproductive front, we try to gain control in the relationship. To quote the authors, "...the need for control is an attempt to get your needs met by your partner, even at the sacrifice of his or her own needs. That's when the power struggles emerge." I know I've definitely experienced this lovely phenomenon. We're just lucky that we're both fairly laid back and loving, or it could have gotten very ugly. To me, it's almost like when a panicked drowning person unconsciously almost drowns the one trying to save him or her in her desperate need for help.
There is further investigation into why we feel the way we do, and what happens, but what I found even more important is the section on how to communicate about it. The authors note that when your husband withdraws into silence, you can guess what he's communicating, but you're just as likely to be wrong as to be right. The same goes for the partner when a woman subsides into uncontrollable weeping. That's a good note to remember. No saying, "I can't believe you don't know why I'm crying!" I know I've been guilty of that.
The authors suggest that you think about what you feel rather than just feel. Brief time-outs are very handy and can be called mid-fight, and think about how to tell each other the problem rather than show it. If you need to write it down to do it well, then do so. I believe that once you get some of these techniques down, that's when infertility brings you closer as a couple rather than dividing you. I think we've finally gotten better at this part.
Also, remember that in most cases your relationship is good, so do not mistake the trauma of infertility for a traumatic relationship. Don't blame the good part of your life. Remember that all the unfortunate events that are happening are the sad things. Try to see your relationship as a haven from all that. Just as YOU shouldn't be defined by your infertility, neither should your relationship. And remember that if you need to take a break to feel whole - DO it! I know many of us have found that out the hard way.
Move on to Living a New Life with Infertility: Him.Me.Us.
Chapter 6 is entitled, "Men Have Feelings Too." Much of what was said in this chapter was touched on in previous ones. It makes a lot of good points about how men handle grief versus how women usually handle it. It reiterates that women often retreat into depression and are more likely to seek help, whereas men go into "action mode," and try to pretend they're ok. They tend to take control at work or in other areas since they feel so out of control in the area of infertility. Women don't always grasp this method of dealing with pain, and can sometimes feel that the men don't care about what is happening. This note was a nice segue into Chapter 7: Relationships Under Fire.
Again, this chapter seems to expound upon ideas already raised in other areas of the book. A thought of note is that for women, this experience is very physical and immediate. It is physical for men, but in a more detached, non constant way. This is another difference that can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding as to how each gender is handling the trauma. I've often heard female friends mention that they are more immediately involved in the problem of infertility, and that their husbands "get on board" much later. That makes perfect sense when we look at how differently we are involved in and handle the situation from a gender perspective. I know it took DH and I a while to understand the angle from which each was coming, and to respect each other's feelings on the issue.
The authors go on to discuss our coping strategies and the control and power dynamics that can emerge. Sometimes, since we feel so out of control on the reproductive front, we try to gain control in the relationship. To quote the authors, "...the need for control is an attempt to get your needs met by your partner, even at the sacrifice of his or her own needs. That's when the power struggles emerge." I know I've definitely experienced this lovely phenomenon. We're just lucky that we're both fairly laid back and loving, or it could have gotten very ugly. To me, it's almost like when a panicked drowning person unconsciously almost drowns the one trying to save him or her in her desperate need for help.
There is further investigation into why we feel the way we do, and what happens, but what I found even more important is the section on how to communicate about it. The authors note that when your husband withdraws into silence, you can guess what he's communicating, but you're just as likely to be wrong as to be right. The same goes for the partner when a woman subsides into uncontrollable weeping. That's a good note to remember. No saying, "I can't believe you don't know why I'm crying!" I know I've been guilty of that.
The authors suggest that you think about what you feel rather than just feel. Brief time-outs are very handy and can be called mid-fight, and think about how to tell each other the problem rather than show it. If you need to write it down to do it well, then do so. I believe that once you get some of these techniques down, that's when infertility brings you closer as a couple rather than dividing you. I think we've finally gotten better at this part.
Also, remember that in most cases your relationship is good, so do not mistake the trauma of infertility for a traumatic relationship. Don't blame the good part of your life. Remember that all the unfortunate events that are happening are the sad things. Try to see your relationship as a haven from all that. Just as YOU shouldn't be defined by your infertility, neither should your relationship. And remember that if you need to take a break to feel whole - DO it! I know many of us have found that out the hard way.
Move on to Living a New Life with Infertility: Him.Me.Us.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Chatty Cathy
I just can't seem to shut up lately huh? Anyway, remember my new mission to take care of me first to ensure a happy, healthy Barb? Well that train seems to be chugging along quite nicely thank you. I'm even waffling on whether I want to try that therapist or not. I've been very at peace with only focusing my emotional energies on healing, home and family. And moi?? At peace?? Pretty freakin' awesome. I have to say that many of you have been a great help to me in that area. I'm trying to bolster my own self esteem and learn more about myself, and you've been invaluable. Michelle, I am completely humbled and inspired by your ability to support and build one's confidence. You've never met me, but you say such thoughtful things. And your talent for giving encouragement on just the subject I need is uncanny. Thank you for that. And Kathy V; you're such a sweetheart. I see your uplifting comments on everyone's blogs. Farah, Kaaron, Chips, all of you are awesome. If your name is anywhere on my blogroll or in my comments, I am indebted to you. Many thanks.
Now - what have I been doing to help myself? For most of my life, I have existed to please others to some extent. I have decided that it's time to please me just a bit. For example; has working on projects that I think managers want to see finished helped me much at work? Not really. Does it cause me hardship and make me unhappy? At times. My solution? Do what Barb likes to do! This year I'm only taking on extra projects that make me happy. On top of that, what certain people think at work has no bearing on how I see myself as a person. So I did something and inadvertently made what's-her-name angry. Did she address it with me? If yes, here's my reasoning, and I'm sorry it offended you. Done. If the act has been finished and my apology given, there's nothing more I can do, so it's off my shoulders. If she hasn't addressed it with me, then I give her a giant shrug and go about my business. I'm not gifted with E.S.P.
The other thing I've been doing to help myself is investing in all the things that make me happy. Here is a list of them because lists themselves make me happy. :D
1. Watching TV with my head in DH's lap
2. Talking to friends and family on the phone or through email
3. Playing and cuddling with my pets
4. A well-written article or book (especially ones that open my eyes in wonder or enlightenment)
5. A physically beautiful book
6. Delicious loose leaf teas in a pretty cup
7. Walking through a forest
8. The smell of a warm Florida night after rain
9. Discovering new birds through my binoculars
10. Watching wildlife period.
11. Training animals through operant conditioning.
12. A good game with friends
13. New food discoveries (cooking or eating)
14. Enjoyment of old favorites food wise
15. Feeding other people
16. Beautiful yarn
17. Knitting
18. Hiking
19. Having "adventures" (that's what DH and I call a trip to a new place)
20. Writing
21. Helping others when I can
22. Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Kingdom Hearts and Okami
23. Old Friends or Cosby Show episodes
24. Beautiful skies
25. Chocolate
26. napping on clean, crisp sheets
That's enough for now. It makes me feel good just to see these happy things in print. :) I'll have to do it again.
Now - what have I been doing to help myself? For most of my life, I have existed to please others to some extent. I have decided that it's time to please me just a bit. For example; has working on projects that I think managers want to see finished helped me much at work? Not really. Does it cause me hardship and make me unhappy? At times. My solution? Do what Barb likes to do! This year I'm only taking on extra projects that make me happy. On top of that, what certain people think at work has no bearing on how I see myself as a person. So I did something and inadvertently made what's-her-name angry. Did she address it with me? If yes, here's my reasoning, and I'm sorry it offended you. Done. If the act has been finished and my apology given, there's nothing more I can do, so it's off my shoulders. If she hasn't addressed it with me, then I give her a giant shrug and go about my business. I'm not gifted with E.S.P.
The other thing I've been doing to help myself is investing in all the things that make me happy. Here is a list of them because lists themselves make me happy. :D
1. Watching TV with my head in DH's lap
2. Talking to friends and family on the phone or through email
3. Playing and cuddling with my pets
4. A well-written article or book (especially ones that open my eyes in wonder or enlightenment)
5. A physically beautiful book
6. Delicious loose leaf teas in a pretty cup
7. Walking through a forest
8. The smell of a warm Florida night after rain
9. Discovering new birds through my binoculars
10. Watching wildlife period.
11. Training animals through operant conditioning.
12. A good game with friends
13. New food discoveries (cooking or eating)
14. Enjoyment of old favorites food wise
15. Feeding other people
16. Beautiful yarn
17. Knitting
18. Hiking
19. Having "adventures" (that's what DH and I call a trip to a new place)
20. Writing
21. Helping others when I can
22. Guitar Hero, Rock Band, Kingdom Hearts and Okami
23. Old Friends or Cosby Show episodes
24. Beautiful skies
25. Chocolate
26. napping on clean, crisp sheets
That's enough for now. It makes me feel good just to see these happy things in print. :) I'll have to do it again.
It's Finished!
I am in love with this pattern and this yarn. This is My So Called Scarf in 100% merino worsted weight wool by Malabrigo. The color is stonechat. Given the choice to do it again, I'd go with brighter colors and more contrasting, but the store I visited didn't have much from which to choose. I still love it though.
The Hub took me to Barnes & Noble last night for what was one of my last few chances to show it off. We browsed some wonderful books while I sipped a soy chai latte and nibbled on a biscotti. YUUUUUM! Remember my rule about eating whatever I want for the first 2 days of my period? Bliss.
While browsing, I happened upon a book called Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother. I picked it up to see what it was about, and I was hooked! Before I knew it, I had finished half the book while semi-consciously following DH's back around the store. I didn't buy it, but was sorely tempted. I plan to order a used copy on Amazon to save money. Prepare to hear all about it if I do! I'm in love with the book already!
Then we came home and watched the lunar eclipse. Did anyone else see it?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Luteal Phase Success!
The witch moved in with all her not so fun baggage today (talking period here). However, let's look at the bright side - I had a 13 day luteal phase! That's pretty darn good for non-medicated ovulatory dysfunction mama.
I know. I really had nothing to do with it, but it feels good all the same. Now if I could only bump up ovulation a smidgen, I'd be pleased.
I know. I really had nothing to do with it, but it feels good all the same. Now if I could only bump up ovulation a smidgen, I'd be pleased.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
A Smattering of Happy Thoughts
NOTE: Many of you have wondered how to get your hands on Unsung Lullabies. I got mine at Amazon.com. Run a search there for the title, and it should pop right up. Then you can order a used or new edition. Happy reading!
First of all - Valentine's Day was lovely. I know many people think it's a silly day and that you should support your loved one all year, but we like to celebrate it quietly. We do nice things for each other the whole year long, and profess our undying love often. However, since we don't have much money, we like to take an excuse such as V-day to go out to eat and buy each other a nice card. It's just a good reminder to pamper ourselves as a couple once in a while. We ended up eating at a Mexican place we've been meaning to try. It had FABULOUS food and even better service and value. We could eat lunch there for a few bucks each! That's our kind of place! I have to say we also both managed to snag some awesome cards this year. I think we made each other a little verklempt.
Secondly, I just finished participating in the annual Great Backyard Bird Count. I didn't see as many species as I would have liked, but I had fun anyway. AND - when I went on a wildlife census, I got to see a short-tailed hawk (dark morph)! They are not common at all in Florida. In fact, they aren't all that common anywhere. This was a nesting pair - too cool!
Thirdly - I'm almost finished with My So Called Scarf and plan to wear it out tonight! I'm sure this will be one of our last cold nights.
Finally, I've saved the biggest news for last. I went to the CE today to get the results of all that bloodwork. Get this: Everything looked completely normal. Can you believe that? And the coolest thing was, by pure chance I had my draw done right around ovulation, which shows quite clearly in my FSH:LH levels! YAY BODY!
The levels I had done were: Complete Metabolic Panel (CMP - including glucose), Free T-4, TSH, Lipid Panel (not too bad, but still some work to do here), C-peptide, DHEA-S, FSH, LH, Insulin, Prolactin, Testosterone (free and total). Not one of these levels indicates PCOS. When you put that together with the fact that I have minimal PCOS symptoms (which can also be somewhat attributed to the hypothyroid) and that only my left ovary has the minimum amount of cysts to be considered PCOS, CE suspects that I don't have the full syndrome, or at the least, it's a mild form of it.
What we both think may have happened is that the hypothyroid stopped me from ovulating. When that happened, I developed more of the cysts, which in turn, released more androgens. So for now, she's going with the thought that I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis with a polycystic ovary, but maybe not the syndrome. She says we'll know more as we see if I start to even out and ovulate earlier as time goes on with this new protocol. She also gives a lot of credit to the flax seed oil and B-complex that I've been taking. She think that B-complex is one of the most important vitamin groups to have for ovulatory and cycle disorders.
Furthermore, if I ever do get pregnant, she wants me to call her immediately so she can run a TSH and bump up my Synthroid dosage. I like me a prepared doctor. :)
I'm just so glad to have a shot at being healthy. For now, pregnancy worries are on the back burner, and happy, healthy Barb is the focus.
First of all - Valentine's Day was lovely. I know many people think it's a silly day and that you should support your loved one all year, but we like to celebrate it quietly. We do nice things for each other the whole year long, and profess our undying love often. However, since we don't have much money, we like to take an excuse such as V-day to go out to eat and buy each other a nice card. It's just a good reminder to pamper ourselves as a couple once in a while. We ended up eating at a Mexican place we've been meaning to try. It had FABULOUS food and even better service and value. We could eat lunch there for a few bucks each! That's our kind of place! I have to say we also both managed to snag some awesome cards this year. I think we made each other a little verklempt.
Secondly, I just finished participating in the annual Great Backyard Bird Count. I didn't see as many species as I would have liked, but I had fun anyway. AND - when I went on a wildlife census, I got to see a short-tailed hawk (dark morph)! They are not common at all in Florida. In fact, they aren't all that common anywhere. This was a nesting pair - too cool!
Thirdly - I'm almost finished with My So Called Scarf and plan to wear it out tonight! I'm sure this will be one of our last cold nights.
Finally, I've saved the biggest news for last. I went to the CE today to get the results of all that bloodwork. Get this: Everything looked completely normal. Can you believe that? And the coolest thing was, by pure chance I had my draw done right around ovulation, which shows quite clearly in my FSH:LH levels! YAY BODY!
The levels I had done were: Complete Metabolic Panel (CMP - including glucose), Free T-4, TSH, Lipid Panel (not too bad, but still some work to do here), C-peptide, DHEA-S, FSH, LH, Insulin, Prolactin, Testosterone (free and total). Not one of these levels indicates PCOS. When you put that together with the fact that I have minimal PCOS symptoms (which can also be somewhat attributed to the hypothyroid) and that only my left ovary has the minimum amount of cysts to be considered PCOS, CE suspects that I don't have the full syndrome, or at the least, it's a mild form of it.
What we both think may have happened is that the hypothyroid stopped me from ovulating. When that happened, I developed more of the cysts, which in turn, released more androgens. So for now, she's going with the thought that I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis with a polycystic ovary, but maybe not the syndrome. She says we'll know more as we see if I start to even out and ovulate earlier as time goes on with this new protocol. She also gives a lot of credit to the flax seed oil and B-complex that I've been taking. She think that B-complex is one of the most important vitamin groups to have for ovulatory and cycle disorders.
Furthermore, if I ever do get pregnant, she wants me to call her immediately so she can run a TSH and bump up my Synthroid dosage. I like me a prepared doctor. :)
I'm just so glad to have a shot at being healthy. For now, pregnancy worries are on the back burner, and happy, healthy Barb is the focus.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Injury and Healing - Unsung Lullabies Chapter 5 Review
Link at Bottom
This is the chapter that I've been referring to in my other posts. This chapter led me to quite a few lightbulb moments. One of the issues that I was really glad to learn about was that the minute you even begin thinking about having a baby, it modifies how you think about yourself and your partner. You may even change careers or experience an extreme shift in priorities due to your new focus. I can definitely vouch for that and know that it may be part of the explanation for that "mid-life crisis" feeling I've been having. In addition to that, the uncertainty and pain of infertility may even affect the way you perform and how you feel in your job. Again, I can relate. This leads to the next issue that really hit home for me.
Healthy narcissism is described in the book as a concern for the self. We all need this to be able to function smoothly and healthily. They go on to describe that a narcissistic injury occurs when something like infertility damages your self esteem. Having a child can often fuel healthy narcissism by allowing people to undo or redo painful instances from their childhood. Infertility, on the other hand, often only aggravates narcissistic injury through guilt, regret and a sense of failure. This further amplifies and enables us to create, the sense of isolation we feel. I know that there have definitely been times when I have isolated myself more than my friends would have liked, and it made me feel worse to be so alone even though that's what I had engineered. I also never had the strongest self esteem to begin with, so now I find myself dealing with the lack of that base on top of a further emotional injury.
In addition to these feelings, we worry that the most seemingly innocuous comment to someone else will be the trigger that unleashes a torrent of emotion within us. No one wants to break down publicly at the question, "So when are you going to have babies?" In reality, it's not that the question is so inherently horrible (though it is rude and nosy), it's that our foundation is already so poor that we can go from fine to quivering mess in the blink of an eye. I've truly scared more friends and family than I'd like to admit by doing just that. I just hope they realize what causes it and don't chalk it up to complete insanity. It's because of this, the book notes, that we feel the need to defend ourselves against the ideas that other people have.
Again - all this self doubt and injury leaks into all facets of our lives. Since our very cores have been so wounded, we are less able to deal with any sort of criticism at work, pressure to get a job done well and the work it takes to maintain and build relationships. Though I am unhappy with many aspects of my workplace right now, I've vowed that I will work on myself and my issues before tackling that one. I have a feeling that if I tried to fix these problems by changing job tracks, that I would only end up in the same place since a large part of the problem lies within.
So how do we help heal ourselves? Well, one thing that I feel I've already managed is to understand that I am not my infertility. It's very important that infertility just become an aspect of your life and not the overriding feature. The authors also suggest writing down a list of your positive attributes without apology. I think that's a great idea. Here goes:
It says something that as I typed these, I thought the opposite negative about myself in my head. But I'm going to try to focus on the words actually written instead.
As a final nod to healing, the authors propose that we need to acknowledge the depth of damage that IF can cause to our self esteem. We also need to acknowledge that our reproductive story isn't what we hoped it would be. Boy that's a hard one to let go of. Third, we need to understand the myths and cultural pressures that make us feel less than we should. And finally, we need to realize the good in us that make us more than our infertility. Understanding these truths is simple. It's making them our truths that is difficult. If we can do that, we stand a chance.
Move on to: Why Not Me?
This is the chapter that I've been referring to in my other posts. This chapter led me to quite a few lightbulb moments. One of the issues that I was really glad to learn about was that the minute you even begin thinking about having a baby, it modifies how you think about yourself and your partner. You may even change careers or experience an extreme shift in priorities due to your new focus. I can definitely vouch for that and know that it may be part of the explanation for that "mid-life crisis" feeling I've been having. In addition to that, the uncertainty and pain of infertility may even affect the way you perform and how you feel in your job. Again, I can relate. This leads to the next issue that really hit home for me.
Healthy narcissism is described in the book as a concern for the self. We all need this to be able to function smoothly and healthily. They go on to describe that a narcissistic injury occurs when something like infertility damages your self esteem. Having a child can often fuel healthy narcissism by allowing people to undo or redo painful instances from their childhood. Infertility, on the other hand, often only aggravates narcissistic injury through guilt, regret and a sense of failure. This further amplifies and enables us to create, the sense of isolation we feel. I know that there have definitely been times when I have isolated myself more than my friends would have liked, and it made me feel worse to be so alone even though that's what I had engineered. I also never had the strongest self esteem to begin with, so now I find myself dealing with the lack of that base on top of a further emotional injury.
In addition to these feelings, we worry that the most seemingly innocuous comment to someone else will be the trigger that unleashes a torrent of emotion within us. No one wants to break down publicly at the question, "So when are you going to have babies?" In reality, it's not that the question is so inherently horrible (though it is rude and nosy), it's that our foundation is already so poor that we can go from fine to quivering mess in the blink of an eye. I've truly scared more friends and family than I'd like to admit by doing just that. I just hope they realize what causes it and don't chalk it up to complete insanity. It's because of this, the book notes, that we feel the need to defend ourselves against the ideas that other people have.
Again - all this self doubt and injury leaks into all facets of our lives. Since our very cores have been so wounded, we are less able to deal with any sort of criticism at work, pressure to get a job done well and the work it takes to maintain and build relationships. Though I am unhappy with many aspects of my workplace right now, I've vowed that I will work on myself and my issues before tackling that one. I have a feeling that if I tried to fix these problems by changing job tracks, that I would only end up in the same place since a large part of the problem lies within.
So how do we help heal ourselves? Well, one thing that I feel I've already managed is to understand that I am not my infertility. It's very important that infertility just become an aspect of your life and not the overriding feature. The authors also suggest writing down a list of your positive attributes without apology. I think that's a great idea. Here goes:
loyal, hard working, honest, enjoyment of the small things (this is one hub says he loves about me), loving, creative, giving, kind, nurturing, friendly, crazy (in a fun way), introspective, intelligent, driven, curious
It says something that as I typed these, I thought the opposite negative about myself in my head. But I'm going to try to focus on the words actually written instead.
As a final nod to healing, the authors propose that we need to acknowledge the depth of damage that IF can cause to our self esteem. We also need to acknowledge that our reproductive story isn't what we hoped it would be. Boy that's a hard one to let go of. Third, we need to understand the myths and cultural pressures that make us feel less than we should. And finally, we need to realize the good in us that make us more than our infertility. Understanding these truths is simple. It's making them our truths that is difficult. If we can do that, we stand a chance.
Move on to: Why Not Me?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Mixed Bag
I want to thank you all so much for being so supportive about my therapist questions and about my ovulation! Your overwhelming response definitely helped me feel good about my decision to fire her immediately. As fate would have it, I got a call back yesterday about a therapist who used to work closely with my beloved OBGYN. I will definitely be giving her a call to schedule an appointment. I'm also planning to call my insurance company and talk to them about Non-Dr. B.
On a good note, I had a girls' get together at my house over the weekend. It felt so good just to hang out and not worry about stuff for once. I worry way too much.
On a bad note, I'm realizing again just how much I need to see a therapist. Some of the "fixing my team" stuff didn't go so well, and I know that I alone, will never change how my team is managed. I did as much as I can do without damaging myself, and that depresses me. The problem is, it depresses me beyond what is reasonable. I am almost in despair over it. I know that may be the progesterone from my luteal phase talking, but I'm sure it's also a large part of that self esteem crack caused by IF that's bleeding into all aspects of my life. I need to get a handle on some of this. Until I can, I will focus on me and do my job. That's all I can do.
More info on this lovely aspect in Unsung Lullabies chapters to come.
On a good note, I had a girls' get together at my house over the weekend. It felt so good just to hang out and not worry about stuff for once. I worry way too much.
On a bad note, I'm realizing again just how much I need to see a therapist. Some of the "fixing my team" stuff didn't go so well, and I know that I alone, will never change how my team is managed. I did as much as I can do without damaging myself, and that depresses me. The problem is, it depresses me beyond what is reasonable. I am almost in despair over it. I know that may be the progesterone from my luteal phase talking, but I'm sure it's also a large part of that self esteem crack caused by IF that's bleeding into all aspects of my life. I need to get a handle on some of this. Until I can, I will focus on me and do my job. That's all I can do.
More info on this lovely aspect in Unsung Lullabies chapters to come.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Dear Non-Doctor B,
I'm not sure what I think about you. I've never been to a psychotherapist, or any other mental health professional for that matter. I don't really know how to evaluate our session. You seem nice, but at the same time, I've had glimpses of what may be another side already. But before we even get into that, your office seems kinda skeevy. The building is old, in a bad part of town, and in desperate need of some TLC. Even the window blinds look dirty and ancient. Inside, the carpet must be from the 70's, and the walls look like I painted them. (not a compliment) I understand that you merely rent a room in this building, so let's just discuss your office. It's a little room that's part of a suite of offices. It smells kind of dank, but you seem to want to rectify that since you have lovely candles everywhere, along with a prominently displayed can of Glade. There are stuffed animals in baskets and on the couch. I don't know if that creeps me out or comforts me. I'm sure they're full of germs. The couch itself would be pretty if it weren't so old that it sucks me into its embrace with enthusiasm.
OK, OK... I know. You can't judge a book by its cover. So let's discuss my conflicting thoughts on your practice. When I first called you, you were a bit snippy with me until you realized I was a potential patient. I understood, seeing as you were in the midst of a therapy session at the time. But should you really be answering your cell during a session? Again, I haven't experienced therapy, so I don't know.
When I arrived at your office on the dot for the time on which we had agreed, you were not there, and it was locked. I wandered around for a few minutes before going back to the car to look for your number since no one else was in the whole building either. When I got to my car, my cell rang and you said, "Barb, were you going to keep your appointment?" in a snippy tone. When I explained that you weren't there, you became all nicey again. By the time we started, it was 10 or 15 minutes late (and you didn't take that into account for our time frame.)
You seemed nice enough. But you did interrupt me to take a call from your daughter. Again, I don't know if this is ok to do or not. You started off by telling me that therapy is your part time job, and that you have counseled 4 other women with IF - all 4 with PCOS. You also went on to tell me about every single person you know with PCOS (including your daughter) and what their outcome was - emphasizing the ones who got pregnant. When I mentioned that I was there to try to let go of my need to experience pregnancy so that I could more fully embrace adoption, you promptly broke out the assvice. The first was the classic, "So and so tried for years and years, and when she let go and signed the adoption papers, she fell pregnant. It was only after she let go that it happened." (Insert "relaxed" for let go). When I explained that I don't like to think about adoption as a means to pregnancy, you did a 180 again and completely agreed. But that assvice was still tucked in your back pocket, ready for use as later you mentioned that we don't know what God has in store for us, and perhaps I should accept his wisdom. I get that. I really do. But are you supposed to mention God in your first therapy session before you know what my beliefs are? Again, I'm the newbie here, so you tell me.
You went on to say that I was very informed, and had a good handle on most of it myself already, and that I needed to tell you what I really wanted help with. I explained again my difficulty with letting go of the need to experience pregnancy, combine our DNA, etc You agreed, but made sure to quiz me on what tests were needed for PCOS, what levels were acceptable for TSH, and what meds can help so that you could write it down to tell your daughter. I don't mind that at all since I love to help people, but maybe you could have done that when I wasn't on the clock, after our session?
You seem to care, and you seem nice, but I just don't know what to think. You also say you place children in foster care, but some things you said didn't seem to jive with what I've learned about the Florida state system. Maybe I had the wrong facts? If you do have an in with the system, I could learn a lot from you. That would be cool.
I'm just really confused. I don't know how a therapist is really supposed to conduct themselves, and I am definitely up and down on what I think of you. I DO know that you definitely need to learn more about how IF affects people and what treatment would help. But can you help me despite that fact? I don't know. Am I being too critical? Too controlling? I've been guilty of that in the past. Should I try one more session with you to give it another go? Or should I just save my limited number of sessions in insurance and go for another therapist?
And I really don't know if I liked hugging you. I'm a huggy person, but you're a stranger. I'm so conflicted.
Sincerely,
FCIF
On a serious note - can anyone who's had therapy inform me on any of this stuff? Does this sound like the norm to you? I already don't think I like her that much, but I don't want to be making a decision on it hastily. Any help is much appreciated. xoxoxo
OK, OK... I know. You can't judge a book by its cover. So let's discuss my conflicting thoughts on your practice. When I first called you, you were a bit snippy with me until you realized I was a potential patient. I understood, seeing as you were in the midst of a therapy session at the time. But should you really be answering your cell during a session? Again, I haven't experienced therapy, so I don't know.
When I arrived at your office on the dot for the time on which we had agreed, you were not there, and it was locked. I wandered around for a few minutes before going back to the car to look for your number since no one else was in the whole building either. When I got to my car, my cell rang and you said, "Barb, were you going to keep your appointment?" in a snippy tone. When I explained that you weren't there, you became all nicey again. By the time we started, it was 10 or 15 minutes late (and you didn't take that into account for our time frame.)
You seemed nice enough. But you did interrupt me to take a call from your daughter. Again, I don't know if this is ok to do or not. You started off by telling me that therapy is your part time job, and that you have counseled 4 other women with IF - all 4 with PCOS. You also went on to tell me about every single person you know with PCOS (including your daughter) and what their outcome was - emphasizing the ones who got pregnant. When I mentioned that I was there to try to let go of my need to experience pregnancy so that I could more fully embrace adoption, you promptly broke out the assvice. The first was the classic, "So and so tried for years and years, and when she let go and signed the adoption papers, she fell pregnant. It was only after she let go that it happened." (Insert "relaxed" for let go). When I explained that I don't like to think about adoption as a means to pregnancy, you did a 180 again and completely agreed. But that assvice was still tucked in your back pocket, ready for use as later you mentioned that we don't know what God has in store for us, and perhaps I should accept his wisdom. I get that. I really do. But are you supposed to mention God in your first therapy session before you know what my beliefs are? Again, I'm the newbie here, so you tell me.
You went on to say that I was very informed, and had a good handle on most of it myself already, and that I needed to tell you what I really wanted help with. I explained again my difficulty with letting go of the need to experience pregnancy, combine our DNA, etc You agreed, but made sure to quiz me on what tests were needed for PCOS, what levels were acceptable for TSH, and what meds can help so that you could write it down to tell your daughter. I don't mind that at all since I love to help people, but maybe you could have done that when I wasn't on the clock, after our session?
You seem to care, and you seem nice, but I just don't know what to think. You also say you place children in foster care, but some things you said didn't seem to jive with what I've learned about the Florida state system. Maybe I had the wrong facts? If you do have an in with the system, I could learn a lot from you. That would be cool.
I'm just really confused. I don't know how a therapist is really supposed to conduct themselves, and I am definitely up and down on what I think of you. I DO know that you definitely need to learn more about how IF affects people and what treatment would help. But can you help me despite that fact? I don't know. Am I being too critical? Too controlling? I've been guilty of that in the past. Should I try one more session with you to give it another go? Or should I just save my limited number of sessions in insurance and go for another therapist?
And I really don't know if I liked hugging you. I'm a huggy person, but you're a stranger. I'm so conflicted.
Sincerely,
FCIF
__________________________________________
On a serious note - can anyone who's had therapy inform me on any of this stuff? Does this sound like the norm to you? I already don't think I like her that much, but I don't want to be making a decision on it hastily. Any help is much appreciated. xoxoxo
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Singing Happy Songs!
Check... it... OUT peeps!
Maybe it IS on CD34 (or maybe 33 in my opinion), but look at THAT! That's the first time I've ovulated without meds in over TWO YEARS!! Can you tell that I'm excited? In addition to the temp rise, I've had all the normal post O signs.
So take THAT all the docs who thought fixing my thyroid wouldn't help that much. And take THAT doc who told me to stop taking the supplements that seemed to help. And a big noogie to YOU doctor who didn't even want to TRY to figure out if I could ovulate on my own with a new tsh and just pumped me full of more meds instead of figuring out the problem.
And THANK YOU to my CE for her support in doing it this way and investigating further. One more week until we find out the results of all that new blood testing!
Maybe it IS on CD34 (or maybe 33 in my opinion), but look at THAT! That's the first time I've ovulated without meds in over TWO YEARS!! Can you tell that I'm excited? In addition to the temp rise, I've had all the normal post O signs.
So take THAT all the docs who thought fixing my thyroid wouldn't help that much. And take THAT doc who told me to stop taking the supplements that seemed to help. And a big noogie to YOU doctor who didn't even want to TRY to figure out if I could ovulate on my own with a new tsh and just pumped me full of more meds instead of figuring out the problem.
And THANK YOU to my CE for her support in doing it this way and investigating further. One more week until we find out the results of all that new blood testing!
Unsung Lullabies - The Losses of Infertility
Blog Ring Link at Bottom
First of all, let me say that I'm beginning to realize that if I had read this book (or at least these sections) earlier in my journey, it would have been an awesome eye opener and so helpful. As it stands now, it is still a great way to cement my thoughts and make me realize that these feelings I have are completely normal. So far, I've been finding nuggets here and there that make me say, "A-HA!" but for the most part, these are realizations that I came to in the grindingly slow, painful way. Too bad I didn't pick up this book earlier. Silly me.
Anyway, chapters 3 and 4 are about the losses of infertility, and the confusion about your adult development if you can't have a child. I'm feeling like mixing things up a bit, so I'm going to try a different format for chapter 3 than usual. Each heading that follows is a subject heading in this chapter.
Loss of Pregnancy and Birth - As they say, this is the most obvious loss, and still one I feel very keenly. I can have a child without experiencing pregnancy and birth, but it's something I always wanted. I have a very, "I want to live life to the fullest" personality, and experiencing these things was always definitely on my list. It's also just such a part of our culture to go through the pregnancy first. People (including me) understand that process better and know better how to help you celebrate.
Where Do I Belong? - It really does feel like you live in limbo. You haven't decided to live without children, or to adopt, but you want to be a parent. It's like standing outside an exclusive night club for hours only to be told you don't fit the bill to get in. What do you do with your time? What about all your friends who go to that club? When they talk about it, you can't really join in. You don't fit in. Quite frankly, this sucks.
The Holiday Spirit. Where Has it Gone? - This one doesn't affect me as much, but Christmas does feel like the ticker tape of yet another year gone by without a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament on the tree. My Mom sent us one of those one year for our pets when we first got them. Now it feels like a slap in the face to hang it. I almost didn't this year, but I didn't want DH to think I was mental. (though I guess now he will. ;-)
I've lost Control of My Body - I don't know that this applies as much to me either since my cycles have always been completely wacky, and I've dealt with horrible fatigue for most of my adult life. I went through that already when the fatigue started. (It's so much better now though! wahoo!)
Loss of Feeling Healthy and Normal - I have a distinct memory of suddenly realizing that your body can let you down. It was even almost a realization of my mortality. It sound silly, but when you find out that the things that are wrong with you really are diseases that have names, it's both a relief and a dash of cold water. The things I have can lead to complications that may eventually be the cause of my death. It's definitely a "wake-up" moment. The book talks more about this subject as, "If I'm going to the doctor so much, I must be sick," but I experienced this one a little differently.
Loss of Feeling Competent - I think this is where the shame comes in initially. Even though it's not true, you feel like you just can't do something, and it must be your fault. I've long ago lost the shame, but I did have an a-ha moment in this section. They discuss that this can filter into your working life and cause problems with your performance and how you view your performance. I have definitely experienced this and didn't know from whence it came. Now I do.
Loss of Sexual Intimacy - We experienced this. It hit the hub harder than it hit me, and we had to work through it. We seem to have found our balance now though.
Loss of Sexual Identity - I've heard this one a lot. "I can't do what a woman is supposed to DO! This is one of the most basic differences between a man and a woman!" And on the flip side, "I'm not manly enough to impregnate my wife. It's embarrassing." An interesting note in the book is that men tend to become more active to prove their virility, while women tend to become depressed. Damn.
Loss of Sexual Privacy - Ugh. Hate this one. Hate IUI's. Hate what DH has to do. 'Nuff said. I also realized here that this may be one of the reasons I get so upset with well meaning family assvice. Sometimes the sweetest, most demure family member will come up with the most shocking suggestions on how to produce the baby you crave. I hate that part of breaking down the barriers. It's an insult to my intelligence, and I really didn't want to know that Grandma, thank you.
Loss of our Sense of Self - This one has hit me hard. I feel almost as if I've been going through a mid-life crisis at 30. I struggle to redefine who I am with this as part of my being. Obviously my life isn't going as planned, and I'm a planner.
Acknowledging the Losses - This helps IMMENSELY. And it truly helps when others understand that they are indeed losses and don't invalidate them. I don't need that from everyone, but it sure is nice from those closest to me. Luckily, most of them have been great even when they don't understand.
Chapter 4 - How Can I Become an Adult if I don't Become a Parent?
This is a biggie. I can certainly see how this becomes a huge problem. For me, the main thing is, not being able to bond with my Mom and others in that way, and the loss of "generativity" as the book says. The authors also point out that it can feel as it felt when you were told, "You're not big enough yet." I know I've had those weak moments when I thought, "God must think we're not ready yet." Normally, I think that's hogwash, but there's a lot of doubt in this whole process.
I think the authors summed up this issue quite well when they wrote that for people who want a child and can't have one, "It's not only an individual and marital crisis--it is a developmental crisis as well."
Move on to: How much is Lost
First of all, let me say that I'm beginning to realize that if I had read this book (or at least these sections) earlier in my journey, it would have been an awesome eye opener and so helpful. As it stands now, it is still a great way to cement my thoughts and make me realize that these feelings I have are completely normal. So far, I've been finding nuggets here and there that make me say, "A-HA!" but for the most part, these are realizations that I came to in the grindingly slow, painful way. Too bad I didn't pick up this book earlier. Silly me.
Anyway, chapters 3 and 4 are about the losses of infertility, and the confusion about your adult development if you can't have a child. I'm feeling like mixing things up a bit, so I'm going to try a different format for chapter 3 than usual. Each heading that follows is a subject heading in this chapter.
Loss of Pregnancy and Birth - As they say, this is the most obvious loss, and still one I feel very keenly. I can have a child without experiencing pregnancy and birth, but it's something I always wanted. I have a very, "I want to live life to the fullest" personality, and experiencing these things was always definitely on my list. It's also just such a part of our culture to go through the pregnancy first. People (including me) understand that process better and know better how to help you celebrate.
Where Do I Belong? - It really does feel like you live in limbo. You haven't decided to live without children, or to adopt, but you want to be a parent. It's like standing outside an exclusive night club for hours only to be told you don't fit the bill to get in. What do you do with your time? What about all your friends who go to that club? When they talk about it, you can't really join in. You don't fit in. Quite frankly, this sucks.
The Holiday Spirit. Where Has it Gone? - This one doesn't affect me as much, but Christmas does feel like the ticker tape of yet another year gone by without a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament on the tree. My Mom sent us one of those one year for our pets when we first got them. Now it feels like a slap in the face to hang it. I almost didn't this year, but I didn't want DH to think I was mental. (though I guess now he will. ;-)
I've lost Control of My Body - I don't know that this applies as much to me either since my cycles have always been completely wacky, and I've dealt with horrible fatigue for most of my adult life. I went through that already when the fatigue started. (It's so much better now though! wahoo!)
Loss of Feeling Healthy and Normal - I have a distinct memory of suddenly realizing that your body can let you down. It was even almost a realization of my mortality. It sound silly, but when you find out that the things that are wrong with you really are diseases that have names, it's both a relief and a dash of cold water. The things I have can lead to complications that may eventually be the cause of my death. It's definitely a "wake-up" moment. The book talks more about this subject as, "If I'm going to the doctor so much, I must be sick," but I experienced this one a little differently.
Loss of Feeling Competent - I think this is where the shame comes in initially. Even though it's not true, you feel like you just can't do something, and it must be your fault. I've long ago lost the shame, but I did have an a-ha moment in this section. They discuss that this can filter into your working life and cause problems with your performance and how you view your performance. I have definitely experienced this and didn't know from whence it came. Now I do.
Loss of Sexual Intimacy - We experienced this. It hit the hub harder than it hit me, and we had to work through it. We seem to have found our balance now though.
Loss of Sexual Identity - I've heard this one a lot. "I can't do what a woman is supposed to DO! This is one of the most basic differences between a man and a woman!" And on the flip side, "I'm not manly enough to impregnate my wife. It's embarrassing." An interesting note in the book is that men tend to become more active to prove their virility, while women tend to become depressed. Damn.
Loss of Sexual Privacy - Ugh. Hate this one. Hate IUI's. Hate what DH has to do. 'Nuff said. I also realized here that this may be one of the reasons I get so upset with well meaning family assvice. Sometimes the sweetest, most demure family member will come up with the most shocking suggestions on how to produce the baby you crave. I hate that part of breaking down the barriers. It's an insult to my intelligence, and I really didn't want to know that Grandma, thank you.
Loss of our Sense of Self - This one has hit me hard. I feel almost as if I've been going through a mid-life crisis at 30. I struggle to redefine who I am with this as part of my being. Obviously my life isn't going as planned, and I'm a planner.
Acknowledging the Losses - This helps IMMENSELY. And it truly helps when others understand that they are indeed losses and don't invalidate them. I don't need that from everyone, but it sure is nice from those closest to me. Luckily, most of them have been great even when they don't understand.
Chapter 4 - How Can I Become an Adult if I don't Become a Parent?
This is a biggie. I can certainly see how this becomes a huge problem. For me, the main thing is, not being able to bond with my Mom and others in that way, and the loss of "generativity" as the book says. The authors also point out that it can feel as it felt when you were told, "You're not big enough yet." I know I've had those weak moments when I thought, "God must think we're not ready yet." Normally, I think that's hogwash, but there's a lot of doubt in this whole process.
I think the authors summed up this issue quite well when they wrote that for people who want a child and can't have one, "It's not only an individual and marital crisis--it is a developmental crisis as well."
Move on to: How much is Lost
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Burst out the bubbly! EDITED
A friend of mine with a high risk pregnancy just had her baby and all seems to be going fairly well! HURRAY!!!!!
ETA: Please say some prayers for the little sweetie as they noticed a problem later in the days that followed. She doesn't seem to be in immediate danger, but she may need surgery, and they're not sure what is the exact problem. Please add these people to your good thoughts and prayers list. Thanks.
ETA: Please say some prayers for the little sweetie as they noticed a problem later in the days that followed. She doesn't seem to be in immediate danger, but she may need surgery, and they're not sure what is the exact problem. Please add these people to your good thoughts and prayers list. Thanks.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Unsung Lullabies: My Reproductive Story
Get ready for a long one...
Link for the blog ring at bottom.
Chapter 2 is all about how we develop our "reproductive story." According to the authors (and I agree), our reproductive story is shaped by many factors in our environment. Everything from how we were raised, to our friends, our jobs, the media and our religious beliefs helps determine how we will feel about a decision to become or not to become parents.
The book suggests that to fully realize why infertility is so painful, we must look at the plot lines of our own stories. Then we can better isolate the causes of our deepest angst, and take steps to deal with them one by one. To do this, they suggest writing or talking about your dreams of parenthood and how they came about. So instead of talking too much about the book in this post, I will be telling my reproductive story. There are countless factors that figure into what made me who I am, but the things I am focusing on are the most important ones in regards to my want for a child.
My Mother was very young when I was born. Her pregnancy was not planned, but she wanted to take care of her baby. Luckily, I was born into a large, close knit immediate and extended family on both sides. I was raised mostly by and feel closer to my Mother's side.
My Mom's youth hurt her in that there were many things that she felt cheated out of. It also meant that she learned a lot about life as I did. But her youth also allowed me to feel a special kinship with her, and to be able to admire and know her through more stages of her life. Many people mention that they become friends with their parents as they aged. I can say my Mom and I were friends for as long as I can remember. This doesn't mean that I didn't respect her as a parent and disciplinarian. She was simply both. My Grandma, on the other hand, was in her mid-thirties when she had Mom. At that time, in that place, she seemed like an older mother. Mom remembers wondering why there was such a large gap between she and her siblings, and why her friends' moms seemed so young. What's more, both Mom and I are heartbroken that my beloved Grandma (or Gram-maw as I said and spelled it) passed away when I was only 8. She had heart disease like almost every other member of her family. I got to have my Dad's parents for a very long time though, and still cherish a great relationship with my Grandmother.
The maternal side of my family mostly resides in a very poor region where early pregnancy is fairly common. But seeing the struggles my Mom had to endure scared me straight as far as the chances of getting knocked up went. I was very careful about even becoming sexually active, and very careful about avoiding pregnancy when I did. My mother though, always had reproductive issues. RE said that often women with her problems have "oops" babies early, or not at all. I can remember as early as age 13 that I worried about whether I would have similar problems and being terrified that I wouldn't be able to have the one thing I wanted most in the world; my own family.
While I was raised in a very warm, supportive, wonderful family, I had some instability. My parents split up very early on. I only have hazy flashes of what it was like to be part of a traditional family. For much of my life we lived with my Grandma, and/or Aunt and Uncle. It was so cozy in our house, and I always felt so loved and protected. At the same time though, I always had this image of how my children would grow up in a more traditional, stable home. I wanted to give them what I didn't have, even if I didn't even know what it was like to miss it.
I was an only child for 8 years. My family was so close that cousins were like siblings, but I was still a bit lonely. At night in my prayers, I used to ask God to send me a little sister. I also wanted a big brother, but I knew that wasn't likely to happen. Then my Mom met my Stepfather, and wonder of wonders, he had a 7 month old daughter! There was a lot of rough transition as two new people entered my Mom's world and vied for her love in my eyes, but I always felt that God had answered that prayer especially for me by sending E. I still count my blessings every day that I was granted a sister. I truly don't know what I would do without her.
Children are adored by all my relatives. They are treasured and played with and showered with open affection. They are also viewed as future leaders and citizens. There is a lot of emphasis on bringing up responsible children who will be wonderful attributes to their world. On the flip side, I have always also been taught by both sides that our elders are to be respected, cherished and attended to. They generally serve as the heads and counselors of the family until they are no longer able, and then they are completely cared for. I so wish to pass on that tradition.
Thus, you can see why I so want a child and where my many worries come from. I'm worried about being an older Mom. I don't have any experience with it, and I really want to play an important role in the lives of my Grandchildren. I desperately wanted children before 30. I want them to remember the younger, more energetic, carefree me. Another part of that is the ever present worry over IF and the fact that stats show better success before 30. Furthermore, I wanted a family of more than one child spaced 3 or 4 years apart. You don't have to do the math to know that in your 30's time is limited on that plan. I always wanted more because I knew the happiness of a large family, but also knew the loneliness of an only child household. Even now, I sometimes wish for a biological sibling. I love my sister more than anything DNA alone could bring about, but there's just something about sharing your wavy hair, or honking laugh...
Furthermore, I want to pass on our values and ethics. I believe strongly in the possibility of a better world and am optimistic about the potential humans have to make that happen. I would like to raise children who think that can happen as well.
Finally, the story of everyone I know revolves around the growth of family, the raising of children, and caring for elders. There's nothing more important in my family. So you can see where my self-esteem takes a hit when I can't seem to be part of that. I have known and seen such love for children all my life. How could I not have one of my own? Besides that, I have so many rosy pictures of my retired years with grandchildren, and they and my children supporting us as we have supported our loved ones. My whole world revolves around the creation and importance of a nuclear family. Everything else pales in comparison. DH has a similar tradition. Somehow, we will make a way. I just wish it wasn't so hard for someone who is just so ready.
Move on to Living a New Life With Infertility...
Link for the blog ring at bottom.
Chapter 2 is all about how we develop our "reproductive story." According to the authors (and I agree), our reproductive story is shaped by many factors in our environment. Everything from how we were raised, to our friends, our jobs, the media and our religious beliefs helps determine how we will feel about a decision to become or not to become parents.
The book suggests that to fully realize why infertility is so painful, we must look at the plot lines of our own stories. Then we can better isolate the causes of our deepest angst, and take steps to deal with them one by one. To do this, they suggest writing or talking about your dreams of parenthood and how they came about. So instead of talking too much about the book in this post, I will be telling my reproductive story. There are countless factors that figure into what made me who I am, but the things I am focusing on are the most important ones in regards to my want for a child.
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My Mother was very young when I was born. Her pregnancy was not planned, but she wanted to take care of her baby. Luckily, I was born into a large, close knit immediate and extended family on both sides. I was raised mostly by and feel closer to my Mother's side.
My Mom's youth hurt her in that there were many things that she felt cheated out of. It also meant that she learned a lot about life as I did. But her youth also allowed me to feel a special kinship with her, and to be able to admire and know her through more stages of her life. Many people mention that they become friends with their parents as they aged. I can say my Mom and I were friends for as long as I can remember. This doesn't mean that I didn't respect her as a parent and disciplinarian. She was simply both. My Grandma, on the other hand, was in her mid-thirties when she had Mom. At that time, in that place, she seemed like an older mother. Mom remembers wondering why there was such a large gap between she and her siblings, and why her friends' moms seemed so young. What's more, both Mom and I are heartbroken that my beloved Grandma (or Gram-maw as I said and spelled it) passed away when I was only 8. She had heart disease like almost every other member of her family. I got to have my Dad's parents for a very long time though, and still cherish a great relationship with my Grandmother.
The maternal side of my family mostly resides in a very poor region where early pregnancy is fairly common. But seeing the struggles my Mom had to endure scared me straight as far as the chances of getting knocked up went. I was very careful about even becoming sexually active, and very careful about avoiding pregnancy when I did. My mother though, always had reproductive issues. RE said that often women with her problems have "oops" babies early, or not at all. I can remember as early as age 13 that I worried about whether I would have similar problems and being terrified that I wouldn't be able to have the one thing I wanted most in the world; my own family.
While I was raised in a very warm, supportive, wonderful family, I had some instability. My parents split up very early on. I only have hazy flashes of what it was like to be part of a traditional family. For much of my life we lived with my Grandma, and/or Aunt and Uncle. It was so cozy in our house, and I always felt so loved and protected. At the same time though, I always had this image of how my children would grow up in a more traditional, stable home. I wanted to give them what I didn't have, even if I didn't even know what it was like to miss it.
I was an only child for 8 years. My family was so close that cousins were like siblings, but I was still a bit lonely. At night in my prayers, I used to ask God to send me a little sister. I also wanted a big brother, but I knew that wasn't likely to happen. Then my Mom met my Stepfather, and wonder of wonders, he had a 7 month old daughter! There was a lot of rough transition as two new people entered my Mom's world and vied for her love in my eyes, but I always felt that God had answered that prayer especially for me by sending E. I still count my blessings every day that I was granted a sister. I truly don't know what I would do without her.
Children are adored by all my relatives. They are treasured and played with and showered with open affection. They are also viewed as future leaders and citizens. There is a lot of emphasis on bringing up responsible children who will be wonderful attributes to their world. On the flip side, I have always also been taught by both sides that our elders are to be respected, cherished and attended to. They generally serve as the heads and counselors of the family until they are no longer able, and then they are completely cared for. I so wish to pass on that tradition.
Thus, you can see why I so want a child and where my many worries come from. I'm worried about being an older Mom. I don't have any experience with it, and I really want to play an important role in the lives of my Grandchildren. I desperately wanted children before 30. I want them to remember the younger, more energetic, carefree me. Another part of that is the ever present worry over IF and the fact that stats show better success before 30. Furthermore, I wanted a family of more than one child spaced 3 or 4 years apart. You don't have to do the math to know that in your 30's time is limited on that plan. I always wanted more because I knew the happiness of a large family, but also knew the loneliness of an only child household. Even now, I sometimes wish for a biological sibling. I love my sister more than anything DNA alone could bring about, but there's just something about sharing your wavy hair, or honking laugh...
Furthermore, I want to pass on our values and ethics. I believe strongly in the possibility of a better world and am optimistic about the potential humans have to make that happen. I would like to raise children who think that can happen as well.
Finally, the story of everyone I know revolves around the growth of family, the raising of children, and caring for elders. There's nothing more important in my family. So you can see where my self-esteem takes a hit when I can't seem to be part of that. I have known and seen such love for children all my life. How could I not have one of my own? Besides that, I have so many rosy pictures of my retired years with grandchildren, and they and my children supporting us as we have supported our loved ones. My whole world revolves around the creation and importance of a nuclear family. Everything else pales in comparison. DH has a similar tradition. Somehow, we will make a way. I just wish it wasn't so hard for someone who is just so ready.
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