Overwhelmed

Today is one of those days when I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything that I have and want to do including blog posts. We had an amazing, busy day yesterday and now the fallout... I keep telling myself that if I can swing part time work next August, that things will be easier. Please keep telling me that's true. My house is a disaster. I can't find anything. I need to go to the store because a few critical things are at a very low level. Bills need to be paid. Presents need to be purchased. I'm missing many friend and family events. The old TV needs to be moved out. I'm pooped. E wants me to play constantly and is snotty and breaking out in hives because of allergies constantly AND I really just want to sit on a porch swing (which we don't have) with a drink in my hand. Whining out. 

The Cliffs Notes

I have some lovely holiday images to share with you at some point, but that requires real computer blogging versus my much more common iPod scribble. Thus, you get this post for now from our crazy part of the world...

1. E turned three and suddenly realized that pee pee can be (somewhat) controlled! Yay!

2. In related news, pooing on the potty is THE END OF THE WORLD.

3. Lovely for us that he's still not potty trained because our daycare lady informed us she's retiring.

4. IN TWO WEEKS.

5. Are you aware how much harder it is to get into an affordable daycare with an un potty trained child? No? A LOT harder.

6. Beware the caps. Shit's been going down.

7. In happy news, we had a truly beautiful 3rd Birthday party. The first real one we've thrown.

8. I'd share photos, but my computer decided to join the make life difficult for Barb club.

9. Allergies are plaguing the house.

10. E told me I couldn't kiss his belly anymore. :( "just my cheek mommy."oh my God, I don't think I'm ready for this.

11. I'm really thinking about observing a Quaker (Friends) meeting. Seriously. Anyone have any thoughts on that?

12. I have a few relatives who would, I'm sure, feel that I've been seduced by the Devil because it's what I want to hear. But they still love me. I'd almost rather they just denounce me as a sinner and be done with it.

13. Once again in related news, I've deactivated my Facebook account. I may go back at some point, but it's most likely to be minus a few people and perhaps under a different name.

14. Happy Tuesday!

Sick Sucks

Isn't it the crappiest when someone you love feels miserable? After a particularly bad coughing fit I ask E, "Are you ok?" He says, "Yeah." Than a short while later, "Mommy can wipe my eyes?" They were streaming with tears from coughing. argh.

Grumpy

I'm really grumpy with blogging right now, and I'm not sure why. I mean, I know some of the things I'm grumpy about, but I'm not sure why they're bothering me, and I'm not sure what's stopping me from writing even though I have ideas. I'm just in a bit of a pissy mood in general lately, so perhaps it's because dear AF is on her way or some other hormonal balance for which I'm famous. (Maybe just locally, but you know what I mean.)

On the bright side, we went into a Sedano's grocery store for the first time today and were delighted by cheap, delicious empanadas de pollo along with a wonderful lady selling them who didn't speak much English. I don't speak much Spanish, so together we taught each other and bumbled our laughing way through a conversation. Our next stop was the ice cream/sherbet counter where we had a mix of tamarindo (tamarind), mango and guanabana (pronounced gwa-NA-va-NA - yes I mangled it at first) sherbet. The lady there was a delight too. We will surely be going back. As I've mentioned before, most Hispanic cultures (particularly the women) delight me. I come from a very expressive family and have spent a lot of my life becoming more quiet and trying to tone down my reactions so as not to appear, "so emotional." It's too tiring to explain to people that that's just the way we are. But when I'm surrounded by Colombians or Chileans or many other nationalities in those parts, I feel at ease and happy. It's nice to live here.

So to sum up, I'm a grump who still gets a high off food and happy people. What do you do when you feel this way about blogging? Perhaps it's that I'm not getting much of a high off it anymore? Any thoughts welcome.

Lists - Bad and Good

Dumping my worries and to-dos in black and white always seems to allow my mind to rest easier. It's as if I don't have to feel that all that needs to circulate in my head to mull over or so I don't forget. So here are my list of worries so I can sleep easier:

1. Our house is now valued at $113,000 less than what we bought it for (and it's not an upper end price in the first place) and is still falling.

2. I would just ignore it except for the fact that we'd like to move sooner rather than later and the down payment part of the loan was a balloon loan. (unscrupulous mortgage broker and naive new home buyers. Not getting into it here.)

3. It worries me that we have so few people near us that we can trust. (Why don't you yahoos on the gulf coast move this way huh? I kid, I kid. But seriously...)

4. As much as we want to move, we also don't. There's so much we've made here and so much we like. It's terrifying. What if we don't like where we move as much as we like it here?

5. The insurance company (the other guy's) covering my car is starting to worry me. After what seemed to be a strong, great start, we haven't been hearing back from them much, and a fax number we're supposed to use for our car seat reimbursement isn't working. It's the number listed on every official document/phone line they have.

6. I worry that they won't give me any compensation for loss in resale value on the car. And no matter how great the repairs, you know there is loss of resale value. People don't pay as much for a wrecked car. Period.

7. We are not in a position to afford losses that happened through no conceivable fault of our own. (He hit me as I sat at a red light. He wasn't paying attention.)

8. Speaking of cars, Hub's is on its last leg for reals and another payment now? YIKES

The Good:
1. On my good days, I revel in the thought of once again experiencing solid community and good schools even if it is years away.

2. Though E is definitely starting into defiant toddler zone and bedtime has become an issue again, going back to routine (the same one he shunned in favor of an easy straight to bed for a few weeks) has eased it somewhat.

3. Hub and I have been a great team. (Thanks Babe!)

4. We have some family visits coming up that are giving me a lot to look forward to.

E Sick Concerns

So ever since E's 104-105 fever broke, he hasn't been quite right. He was diagnosed with an ear infection, throat infection and some sort of viral tummy trouble. He's on an antibiotic (NOT the one that is so horrible for his belly thank God) and is about halfway done with it. He's been so very tired. He naps about 5 hours a day and still sleeps 11-12 at night. He seems tired, woozy and clumsy when he is awake. He also seems desperate. Much of the time he says, "GOOOOOOO? YEEEEEEEEESSS?" over and over and over. Picking him up and walking around or taking him for a car ride eases it. If the car stops for even a minute though, the chorus starts again. And if we can't do those things just that minute, he starts crying. It's not an, "I didn't get my way cry," but a desperate one. He's not eating well but seems very hungry. The hour or so before bed is the exception. Then he seems to get a tiny burst of energy and seems almost himself for a time. He eats very well and will run around playing a bit, though he's still clumsier than usual.

I have my thoughts on what could be going on but thought I'd turn to the wise internets for theirs as well. Help? We're very worried about him.

E Update

E has a sinus infection that has moved to his throat. His glands are all swollen, and his throat is probably very painful. He got some antibiotics, and we're still working on the sleep. Thanks for holding my hand!

Why?

Why is it that when I need the words most, they often aren't there? Why is it that I cry and wail and become verbose over little problems but when something really big happens, I shut down so well much of the time?

I trust that despite this failing, you understand the depth of my love, support and compassion Jen. In fact, perhaps since you know me so well and get this reaction, then you understand more than others.

What I Wish I Could Say

• Repeating things other people have said with the conviction that you were actually there or said them yourself and/or stealing others' ideas makes you neither awesome nor smart.
• Just because you do not vocally and obviously take part in the abuse of someone does not mean you are not complicit in the abuse in other ways. Get off your high horse.
• Being frustrated with a situation or wanting to do better and understanding my good fortunes are not mutually exclusive modes of thought.
• Being "tough" and "showing them who's boss" also doesn't always make you awesome. Furthermore, just because I don't agree with that method or choose not to use it does not make me suck.
• Just because you purposely project an aura of "awesome" also does not necessarily mean that is the case. Some of the most humble and understanding people I know are actually pretty damn awesome.
• Taking advantage of my insecurity or willingness to question myself does not mean I am an idiot peon and you a genius of royal blood.
  

And one pet peeve: Sometimes I hate hearing how women need to "stop trying to have it all," and they may be "happier." You know what? Some thrive on juggling work and home. Leave them alone. And in many many situations, women don't have any CHOICE in the matter. I KNOW I'd be a better human with less on my plate. I KNOW I'd do a better job at work with fewer hours and could be less tired and more present for my baby. I simply CAN'T cut back on my hours. I hate when articles etc make it about "choices" (similarly with breast feeding and all the "shocking statistics" on how many don't "exclusively" breast feed) when they know damn well for a huge fraction, there is no real choice at all.

There. I feel so much better. Trying to change my negative self talk and the "doormattishness" that makes it easy for people to beat me down.

Weary

Too much going on. Too busy. Need cavities fixed. Thyroid sputtering. Need appointment. House is a wreck. Baby not feeling well and needs more tests. No time.

We Aren't Dead - Yet

So we've been all excited for this Christmas season and would love to get the ball rolling except that we are having issues. The car broke down again. E is sick, and we are on our second wave of visitors (3 more to go). He has RSV and a double ear infection. He's on nebulizer treatments, steroids, antibiotics and ear drops. We like to throw in a good few doses of Tylenol and ibuprofen here and there just to say we've covered all our drugged up baby bases.

As a result, the tree is up but most of the ornaments are scattered on the floor; abandoned the night we rushed him to urgent care. There is so much filth and so few clean clothes to wear that soon we will qualify as a Survivor set. And all those Christmas cards and gifts to be sent? Half finished thank you. Merry first Christmas E! Let's hope we get it done better in the next week or so. Dr. F. says you should be more on the mend in another week. I wouldn't mind if the fever went away though...

My Issue

My issue is apparently generalized anxiety disorder. I haven't been back to the therapist in a few weeks because it's so hard to ask people to watch the baby. I feel like I had no idea what I was getting into with having him so far from most family or friends with children and both of us working full time. I really feel like I could get better more easily if I could just focus on this aspect of my life right now. Although to be fair, I didn't expect that my family down here would move 1000 miles away right after he was born.

This stuff is tough. I bought a book my therapist recommended and am going to try to work through it. I may post some things here to help me work it out just as we did with Unsung Lullabies. That helped me a lot, and I'm hoping it will help me this time as well. I have to admit that sometimes it feels like I'm climbing out of a slippery, crumbly hole bit by bit. It is getting better, but with lots of fall backs, and it's taking lots of time and very hard work. It's so difficult to get better when the very fact that I'm having issues and have had them for so long makes me feel guilty for being a "bad friend," and the negative self talk is such a vicious cycle.

Sleepy, Sad, Snippy

Why do I react so very harshly to interrupted sleep? Why, oh why? I'm almost ready for my cycles to start up again. I need some progesterone in my system. Sigh.

Getting Help

Today seemed so good, but then my faulty brain kicked in yet again, and it came crashing down around my ears. Tonight I called to be sure my insurance covered a therapist FavoriteOB recommended. They do. Tomorrow I'm calling to make an appointment with her. I've been trying to do it on my own for too long. I need help.

PPA Revisited

I've still been dealing with a lot of insecurity, anxiety and maybe even a touch of paranoia at work. I kept thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me, and perhaps I needed a counselor. Today though, I thought about how I feel pretty good at home. Then I realized that it's not really at home, it's when I'm with E. When I'm with E, I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I feel happy, confident and focused. I don't give a damn what other people think in the slightest.

When I'm away from him I feel lost. I feel scattered. I can't remember the dumbest things. I can't focus as well. I feel insecure and inept. My emotions swing from one end to the other. It's as if someone has stolen part of me.

Maybe this is the a-ha that should have slapped me in the face long ago, but I think I'm still suffering from separation anxiety with him. It's just that I tamped it down so well, I thought I was getting over it. Then when I didn't have a label for it, the anxiety bled all through the other aspects of life apart from my son. I didn't understand why I felt that way, so the situation snowballed. Co-workers who prey on the weak saw that and targeted me. I, in turn, became even more anxiety ridden. It was a vicious cycle.

Like I've experienced before with fertility treatment side effects, once I have a why for feeling this way, sometimes I can cope much more effectively. So I'm going to try this. Per my discussion with a certain helpful someone, I'm going to go a week or two trying to manage my emotions now that I know the probable cause. I'm going to remind myself that what matters is who I know I am, the love of my family and that I and my loved ones are happy. If I can manage pretty well without the horrible gut wrenching anxiety getting the best of me, then I will continue on that path. If not, I will call to see about a therapist. I've been this close to asking for anxiety medication so many times on this post partum journey, but I've dealt with it so far (and it IS much better than before), so let's see if I can work it out again. Hang in there with me won't you?

Dental Rant

I just came back from the dentist where I was supposed to have 3 cavities filled. I kept feeling the drill on one cavity. It was a shooting pain down through my tooth. I felt it on the other tooth, but not enough to stop him. He didn't quite believe I felt it, so he tried to sneak in the drilling I think after working on the one I didn't feel. I felt it every time even though he gave me the max amount of novacaine. Now it's half done, and I get to go back.

This is never ending as my teeth are too crowded, my enamel is thin, and I have deep grooves. Chalk up more disbelief when dentists don't buy that I floss at LEAST once EVERY SINGLE DAY. Then there's Hub who takes much less interest in his teeth than I do and has minimal problems. There's a reason why I hate going to the dentist and avoid it, thus exacerbating the issue. Sigh

Bereft

It's no secret that having a baby has made me desperately wish for family that lived closer. I had 2 family links here until just recently. It was one of the reasons we chose Florida over a few other states. However, they just left to move far up north. We didn't see them lots, but having them here was a lot of comfort for me. I was looking forward to E having family to see on holidays and having others to give him the kind of undivided attention that we do. I've been feeling lonely and disconnected to begin with. Now that they're gone, it's worse. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy overall. I just want to see E playing with cousins and for us all to get hugs from family members more than once every 6 months. I never thought I'd feel this strongly about it.

Finding Me

I'm having trouble integrating back into work.... still. It's not just leaving the baby and the fact that he obviously is stressed by going to daycare despite the fact that he likes his provider. I think it's also that I'm rediscovering who I am. I'm having trouble with the old work Barb and the new Mommy Barb. I'm not sure how to put them back together or if I should be embracing a whole new identity.

I'm a singular passion in life sorta gal. Aside from family, my main passion in life has been my career. But now I seem to want my career to be motherhood with a little bit of job on the side. I never expected that drastic shift. I guess I should have, but I feel like I could never have dreamed how intense this would all be. All of this has left me floundering.

I feel a little lost, a little alone, a little crazy and a lot confused. I'm finding I didn't truly have very many real friends. I feel very judged by those who haven't had my experience, whether with children or not, and I'm struggling to not let that affect me. Why should it?

I'm really hoping I'm not the singular crazy person in all this struggle.

The Work Angst

Me: E loves the train you got him! And the clothes are adorable!
Her: Oh really? Hm. I don't remember what I got him.

Me: Look at this adorable video. He giggles now!
Her: uhhuh (Later to someone else: What's the big deal about laughing? My kids laugh all the time. They aren't babies by the way.)

Me: E is so attached and lovey. And he has such strong opinions on what he wants!
Her: Oh Barb for Pete's sake. Babies don't develop a personality until age 2. He just has tendencies right now. (Apparently according to her, if they can't talk, they aren't really worth it.)

Her: We've thought about adopting a baby. (Even though she says she doesn't want an infant at all.)
Me: Oh! You'd do great! Around 4 months I think things even out, and now at this age, he's SO much fun and awesome and...
Her: Look. I'm happy you love your baby and enjoy him. Good for you. But I just don't want one. I know I could do it if I HAD to, but I don't care about it.
Me: But you just said.......

This hurts me. A lot. I know it's crazy, but it hurts me for him because we are each other if you know what I mean. I am him and he is me. I know he doesn't care, but he's the love of my life, so of course I care. It also hurts because before I went on maternity leave, she was super lovey with me and always asking what the gender was, how things were going etc. She made me feel like we were going to be "great friends" as she said. When I came back, things quickly changed. And THAT'S how I know she thinks I suck with how I parent even though she has no experience with babies, only children. And she thinks since she regularly goes on cruises and does overnight parties without her kids (she is a good Mom though), that I suck because I can't do that right now.

And I just realized that one of the reasons I feel so off at work a lot of times is because I'm missing a vital part of myself while I'm there - for 12 hours. It's hard to learn to function as a whole being without that part of me again, but I'm getting better.

Friends Schmends

Someone tell me again why it's stupid to cry over friends who weren't your friends to begin with? Why does it still hurt so much? I'm so very lonely. Apparently we should have lived on the west coast of Florida if we wanted good friends nearby.