I feel the need to confess. I am a bad, materialistic Mom/Wife. Hub and I had discussed how people usually buy the woman who bore their child something special for afterward. I'm not that bad, but did think it would be kind of nice to get balloons, or flowers or something he'd made. However, when he asked what I'd like, I jokingly said something much more expensive that I've wanted for years and years. He shocked me by seeming to seriously say he'd get it.
I didn't truly completely believe that, but he did enough shifty things over the months (like buy supplies to make something, and when I asked what it was for, he said, "Nothing for you to worry about.") that I thought his plans were in the works. I got so excited looking forward to that (and yes, more toward E).
When the hospital stay went by with nothing, I figured we had bigger things to worry about, but later it nagged at me, and I had to know. When I asked if he had anything for me, he said, "No!" in a really incredulous tone, and I cried. Turns out he had forgotten all about our conversation. It hurt, A lot. He said he'd still get me a card or something, but here it is, a month later and it hurts the same.
I just can't get over it, and I feel horrible. I feel silly and foolish for thinking so much of it and myself all those months. I feel horribly hurt to be forgotten and to not be as important as I was in my eyes apparently. And yet I feel horribly guilty and selfish for caring about it at all. I have a wonderful man who's a great Hub and Daddy. Why would I ask for more?
I wouldn't normally blog this and have felt too guilty to tell any friends, but it's a weight on my chest that could possibly be eased by writing... so I am.
It still makes me cry that it's so open ended and not important enough to have been addressed sooner, and I still feel guilty. It's a horrible cycle I can't get over. Maybe you can help. Don't think too badly of me.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Great-Grandmother
E's GG on my side came to the hospital to see me when I was in labor. She's the one who made me sob actual tears when she hugged me after delivery. She never got to see E that day because he got out of transition so late. She saw him today for the first time. It was lovely.
I got great advice from her. When discussing all of our parenting options/dilemmas she said, "Honey, what does your heart tell you to do? Use your head of course, but follow your heart."
I got great advice from her. When discussing all of our parenting options/dilemmas she said, "Honey, what does your heart tell you to do? Use your head of course, but follow your heart."
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Breastfeeding is hard.
My baby's stools now alternate between sometimes being orange and other times being green. (Which I've heard is an oversupply or imbalance problem.) I AM currently only feeding from one breast at a time, and will start doing it for more extended periods as I read to try. Poor E is more irritable and gassy when this happens too. He was good last night and this AM when I fed mostly from the "good" side that he always seems to like.
Fire away with suggestions/support.
Ugh this stuff is hard.
P.S. He is eating normally during the day.. every 2-3 hrs for about a half an hour on the breast. Then before bedtime he gets FRANTIC and tries to eat like a crazy man. He acts like he's famished. He usually eats about 45 minutes to an hour from me (and I mean EATS the whole time) and then when I just can't stand the drain on my nipple anymore (giving him the "bad boob" doesn't help), he eats another 2-3 oz of formula and acts FRANTIC for that. Usually that will finally fill him, but we have to be careful not to make him sick. WTH??? He will then sleep a long time without eating. Is he "tanking up?" How would his body know that?
Fire away with suggestions/support.
Ugh this stuff is hard.
P.S. He is eating normally during the day.. every 2-3 hrs for about a half an hour on the breast. Then before bedtime he gets FRANTIC and tries to eat like a crazy man. He acts like he's famished. He usually eats about 45 minutes to an hour from me (and I mean EATS the whole time) and then when I just can't stand the drain on my nipple anymore (giving him the "bad boob" doesn't help), he eats another 2-3 oz of formula and acts FRANTIC for that. Usually that will finally fill him, but we have to be careful not to make him sick. WTH??? He will then sleep a long time without eating. Is he "tanking up?" How would his body know that?
Letters to Babybutt
(You're still sleeping! I have more time!)
Dear E,
You are incredibly gorgeous.
Love,
M
Dear E,
You are incredibly gorgeous.
Love,
M
Learning
I am learning that one should never be overconfident and that type A personalities with a need for structure probably have some of the hardest times adjusting to all this new stuff. I tend to be really hard on myself and want to improve instantly. Of course with a baby it's even more critical to me. Trying to learn to be more laid back. I think Farah has a lot to teach me!
I also would love to blog about a few other non-baby related things that have gone through my head and that happened before he was born, but everything has been distilled down to him and his care. Once I get my brain and body wrapped around all this, then I will have more room for the "extras."
I also would love to blog about a few other non-baby related things that have gone through my head and that happened before he was born, but everything has been distilled down to him and his care. Once I get my brain and body wrapped around all this, then I will have more room for the "extras."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Taboo
1. I do not love breast feeding. Sometimes I don't even like it.
2. We are combining bf, pumping and once in a while formula for my sanity.
3. It really pisses me off when certain people think I'm reinforcing the baby's "screaming" by "responding" to it. Literally makes me want to lash out. If I ever find these people letting my baby scream to punish him, there will be Hell to pay.
4. On the other hand, I do wish he was less attached and insecure. Poor kid got it from me.
5. I wish diaper changes were less of a criminal offense. (any advice on this?)
6. Sometimes I want my Mommy to take care of it all for me.
Bring it on.
2. We are combining bf, pumping and once in a while formula for my sanity.
3. It really pisses me off when certain people think I'm reinforcing the baby's "screaming" by "responding" to it. Literally makes me want to lash out. If I ever find these people letting my baby scream to punish him, there will be Hell to pay.
4. On the other hand, I do wish he was less attached and insecure. Poor kid got it from me.
5. I wish diaper changes were less of a criminal offense. (any advice on this?)
6. Sometimes I want my Mommy to take care of it all for me.
Bring it on.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Soon?
Someday, when E isn't going through a growth spurt, and I am somewhat sane, I'll finish the birth story. Someday. :) I guess we waited 4 years for this baby boy - a few weeks for a birth story isn't so bad eh?
Friday, January 22, 2010
Letters to Babybutt
Dear E,
When the nurse midwife laid you on my chest, I was so overcome by emotion that all I could do was choke out dry breathy sobs. It was too much even for tears. I wanted to hug you and love you and protect you more than anything I've ever felt. But then we only got to see you for a few more minutes before they whisked you away to transition because of our fevers and your apgar scores. When I saw you again three hours later, I couldn't believe you were mine. I will forever miss that bonding time right after birth, but it didn't seem to hurt our relationship.
A few days later, I started to develop some anxiety and blood pressure issues, and you developed a comfort nursing addiction along with a lot of gas and the screaming to match it all. I moved into a baby blues, anxious, frustrated fog. It became difficult to bond with you unless I had someone else to help me calm you. But the past few days, I feel myself moving out of that fog. (partly because we've figured out some of these issues) It's beautiful. I can look at you again with clear eyes and feel the dry sobs come. I love you. I love you more than anything I've ever loved in my life. And when I look at you, I see your Daddy too. And when I look at your Daddy, I see you. It's like there are two big spheres in my heart that overlap. On one side is my love for Daddy. On the other side is my love for you. In the middle is this crazy, mixed swirl of emotion tied up in the both of you. You share that. I have such an attachment to both of you now that it's not only emotionally difficult for me to be away from you, it's a physical difficulty as well.
Every day you look at me with a little more understanding. And every day I fall for you a little more.
Always yours,
M
When the nurse midwife laid you on my chest, I was so overcome by emotion that all I could do was choke out dry breathy sobs. It was too much even for tears. I wanted to hug you and love you and protect you more than anything I've ever felt. But then we only got to see you for a few more minutes before they whisked you away to transition because of our fevers and your apgar scores. When I saw you again three hours later, I couldn't believe you were mine. I will forever miss that bonding time right after birth, but it didn't seem to hurt our relationship.
A few days later, I started to develop some anxiety and blood pressure issues, and you developed a comfort nursing addiction along with a lot of gas and the screaming to match it all. I moved into a baby blues, anxious, frustrated fog. It became difficult to bond with you unless I had someone else to help me calm you. But the past few days, I feel myself moving out of that fog. (partly because we've figured out some of these issues) It's beautiful. I can look at you again with clear eyes and feel the dry sobs come. I love you. I love you more than anything I've ever loved in my life. And when I look at you, I see your Daddy too. And when I look at your Daddy, I see you. It's like there are two big spheres in my heart that overlap. On one side is my love for Daddy. On the other side is my love for you. In the middle is this crazy, mixed swirl of emotion tied up in the both of you. You share that. I have such an attachment to both of you now that it's not only emotionally difficult for me to be away from you, it's a physical difficulty as well.
Every day you look at me with a little more understanding. And every day I fall for you a little more.
Always yours,
M
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thoughts and Advice
I have found that not being alone all day helps tremendously. And E? He seems to have inherited a lot of the things that make me difficult at times.. or .. erm.. I mean unique.
Some thoughts/questions:
UNICEF recommends your house temps be set at 60-64 degrees F for co-sleeping. Um. That's a little cold. E and I both seem to chill a bit at 70 - not to mention that in Fla, that means the a/c would just run constantly all day and night. What temps do other co-sleepers have their thermometers set on?
When I lie on my right side, both my breasts end up hurting like CRAZY after an hour or so. On my left side, it gets uncomfortable, but nothing like the right. Any ideas why?
I am absolutely done being open with anyone about this post partum experience who hasn't
A. Had a baby fairly recently
B. Isn't a sensitive, open individual
or
C. Isn't all that close to me
I've had so many people tell me they, "didn't remember" dealing with or having this or that that I am just done with it. And even if they didn't have to deal with whatever, all birth and post partum experiences are not the same just like anything else in life. I just had someone telling me that they didn't need any pain relief post partum and that it didn't hurt that badly. ok. Maybe it didn't. But then again, maybe you didn't push for 2 and a half hours either. Or maybe I'm a wimp. But you know what? Deal. I have trouble believing though that you were in so little discomfort after that experience. AND I'm so tired of people reacting so harshly to some of my feelings post partum when they aren't even really around me. sheesh. You getting all nervous doesn't help me much.
And finally, the past 3 days E has started to finally seem to get past some of his screamy, separation anxiety stuff. I still have to hold him a lot, but it's not nearly so nerve wracking. Yay!
Some thoughts/questions:
UNICEF recommends your house temps be set at 60-64 degrees F for co-sleeping. Um. That's a little cold. E and I both seem to chill a bit at 70 - not to mention that in Fla, that means the a/c would just run constantly all day and night. What temps do other co-sleepers have their thermometers set on?
When I lie on my right side, both my breasts end up hurting like CRAZY after an hour or so. On my left side, it gets uncomfortable, but nothing like the right. Any ideas why?
I am absolutely done being open with anyone about this post partum experience who hasn't
A. Had a baby fairly recently
B. Isn't a sensitive, open individual
or
C. Isn't all that close to me
I've had so many people tell me they, "didn't remember" dealing with or having this or that that I am just done with it. And even if they didn't have to deal with whatever, all birth and post partum experiences are not the same just like anything else in life. I just had someone telling me that they didn't need any pain relief post partum and that it didn't hurt that badly. ok. Maybe it didn't. But then again, maybe you didn't push for 2 and a half hours either. Or maybe I'm a wimp. But you know what? Deal. I have trouble believing though that you were in so little discomfort after that experience. AND I'm so tired of people reacting so harshly to some of my feelings post partum when they aren't even really around me. sheesh. You getting all nervous doesn't help me much.
And finally, the past 3 days E has started to finally seem to get past some of his screamy, separation anxiety stuff. I still have to hold him a lot, but it's not nearly so nerve wracking. Yay!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Humbling
Admitting you have some post partum blues (not PPD) and exhaustion and having people respond well to it is not as easy as people always make it out to be.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Co-Sleeping
So I had never even considered co-sleeping. I was not aware that most of my family, including Sister with her two boys (and my Mom!), had done it at one time or another. I was under the impression that it was a rare thing, so I wouldn't have to prepare for it and that I wouldn't like it anyway. Add one more naive thought to my baby preparations. You're never truly ready huh?
Anyway, it also scared the hell out of me. I have nothing against others doing it, but I was so afraid I'd roll on my baby, or that he'd suffocate or any other number of horrific things. Then we had E. E does not like night time. E does not like to be far away from us. Put those two things together, and it makes for a very clingy bed time baby. We had a problem with some extreme comfort nursing and crying and came to learn through trial and error that it was happening when we tried to put him down in his pack n play even though it was directly beside my side of the bed. When we went to co-sleeping, it all stopped, and we had a happy baby and parents with some sleep. I just never would have imagined.
Stepping back to think, of course it makes sense. When he did sleep away from us those first few days, I hugged one of my pillows and dreamed constantly that it was E. Every time he stirred, I had dreams of comforting that damn pillow. If I'm so attached, imagine what that poor baby was feeling. And I find that I love having him with me. But I'm still so nervous that I sleep with a lamp on so that I can open my eyes and see him breathing immediately.
Last night I had such anxiety about it again that Daddy tried to put him in the pack n play when he was sound asleep. That triggered a wake up and one more extreme comfort nursing demand along with some screaming for good measure. I felt horrible. He's back to sleeping with us.
I've read a lot of things damning co-sleeping. I've read a lot of things damning everything you do period. It seems that so many books and articles are designed to make you feel guilty. But this seems to be our only solution for now. The poor kid is not even quite 2 weeks old. I don't think we're spoiling him. And I'm doing my best to make this as safe as possible. I'm actually a little less nervous sometimes since I feel and hear him so keenly when he's sleeping, and all I have to do is check right beside me rather than get up to check the pack n play.
What a humbling learning curve this all is. I'm so sorry to any parents I've inadvertently made feel badly for the choices they make. It's all about doing our best for each individual child isn't it? Please share your co-sleeping stories/advice with me. It would make me feel much better.
Anyway, it also scared the hell out of me. I have nothing against others doing it, but I was so afraid I'd roll on my baby, or that he'd suffocate or any other number of horrific things. Then we had E. E does not like night time. E does not like to be far away from us. Put those two things together, and it makes for a very clingy bed time baby. We had a problem with some extreme comfort nursing and crying and came to learn through trial and error that it was happening when we tried to put him down in his pack n play even though it was directly beside my side of the bed. When we went to co-sleeping, it all stopped, and we had a happy baby and parents with some sleep. I just never would have imagined.
Stepping back to think, of course it makes sense. When he did sleep away from us those first few days, I hugged one of my pillows and dreamed constantly that it was E. Every time he stirred, I had dreams of comforting that damn pillow. If I'm so attached, imagine what that poor baby was feeling. And I find that I love having him with me. But I'm still so nervous that I sleep with a lamp on so that I can open my eyes and see him breathing immediately.
Last night I had such anxiety about it again that Daddy tried to put him in the pack n play when he was sound asleep. That triggered a wake up and one more extreme comfort nursing demand along with some screaming for good measure. I felt horrible. He's back to sleeping with us.
I've read a lot of things damning co-sleeping. I've read a lot of things damning everything you do period. It seems that so many books and articles are designed to make you feel guilty. But this seems to be our only solution for now. The poor kid is not even quite 2 weeks old. I don't think we're spoiling him. And I'm doing my best to make this as safe as possible. I'm actually a little less nervous sometimes since I feel and hear him so keenly when he's sleeping, and all I have to do is check right beside me rather than get up to check the pack n play.
What a humbling learning curve this all is. I'm so sorry to any parents I've inadvertently made feel badly for the choices they make. It's all about doing our best for each individual child isn't it? Please share your co-sleeping stories/advice with me. It would make me feel much better.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Testimonial
I LOVE JEN'S WIPES! They are so much better than my disposable ones and have so many uses! (and I'm not just saying that.)
Thanks!
Thank you all for your wonderful comments about my gorgeous baby. (not biased not biased not biased. ;-) Last night we had a great non-screaming night! Apparently this baby needs to be as close to us as possible at all times. That's ok with me. We'll figure out everything as we go.
Friday, January 15, 2010
E is Born Part One
Like most new moms, I have limited time and much desire for sleep, so this story will be told in parts. Plus, that way it won't drive you crazy with its verbosity; or I should probably say with MY verbosity.
I had a feeling the babybutt would be born sometime on or before his due date. According to my calculations of his conception, that would be January 4th. According to the Doc it was January 5th. It's a small difference, but one that worked in my favor.
I started feeling very manageable contractions that got closer and closer together on January 3rd. I waited until they were 6 minutes apart since they were so late and called the nurse who urged us to go in right away. In the nightmare that is triage, they found that I was only 2cm dilated, so sent me away to walk and be rechecked. When at that recheck I was still only 2cm, I was sent home where I rested and then walked some more. Very late that evening, the contractions started to get a lot stronger and spaced themselves farther apart again. They started at 11 minutes or so apart and gradually came back to 5-8 minutes again. Off we went for the hospital! This time I knew it was for real as they were strong enough to cause me much more difficulty. I thanked my body for the heads up though as it gave me time to shower and eat a light meal before going back in for labor.
I could tell that Hub was anxious only by the facts that he broke no traffic rules and was completely accomodating of me. He was one cool (though excited) cucumber. I was not scared at all either! Just really excited. This time I was dilated I think 5 cm, and they weren't sure they were going to keep me. And here's where my first ShitNurse story comes in. Most people I had were phenomenol with a handful of very notable exceptions. I guess I was there so long, I got it all. Since we were admitted to the ER at midnight, it was now January 4th. And now I need a nap with my sweetness, so ShitNurse #1 will make her appearance next time.
Weekend with Hub soon!! He only got a week off. Poor guy. :(
I had a feeling the babybutt would be born sometime on or before his due date. According to my calculations of his conception, that would be January 4th. According to the Doc it was January 5th. It's a small difference, but one that worked in my favor.
I started feeling very manageable contractions that got closer and closer together on January 3rd. I waited until they were 6 minutes apart since they were so late and called the nurse who urged us to go in right away. In the nightmare that is triage, they found that I was only 2cm dilated, so sent me away to walk and be rechecked. When at that recheck I was still only 2cm, I was sent home where I rested and then walked some more. Very late that evening, the contractions started to get a lot stronger and spaced themselves farther apart again. They started at 11 minutes or so apart and gradually came back to 5-8 minutes again. Off we went for the hospital! This time I knew it was for real as they were strong enough to cause me much more difficulty. I thanked my body for the heads up though as it gave me time to shower and eat a light meal before going back in for labor.
I could tell that Hub was anxious only by the facts that he broke no traffic rules and was completely accomodating of me. He was one cool (though excited) cucumber. I was not scared at all either! Just really excited. This time I was dilated I think 5 cm, and they weren't sure they were going to keep me. And here's where my first ShitNurse story comes in. Most people I had were phenomenol with a handful of very notable exceptions. I guess I was there so long, I got it all. Since we were admitted to the ER at midnight, it was now January 4th. And now I need a nap with my sweetness, so ShitNurse #1 will make her appearance next time.
Weekend with Hub soon!! He only got a week off. Poor guy. :(
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Much Better
Much less of the crazy now. Blood pressure is much better. There is no anxiety med ok for breast feeding, only depression, and I am not depressed so...
Also one hand blogging for the first time!
Also one hand blogging for the first time!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
PPA
So it appears instead of ppd, I have ppa. I have no idea if that's a term or not, but I'm making it one. In this case, I mean post partum anxiety. I have had very high blood pressures and problems associated with anxiety, but no underlying cause other than anxiety and fatigue itself. I'm told this is pretty common after delivery but have never heard of it. They also have not given me anything to help. I'm trying to control it myself, but find it difficult at times. Any pointers, sharing or advice? It's one of the reasons I'm quite absent.
Oh, also, wow the milk coming in is weird. And did you know that your mammary glands can press in on nerves making your arm numb and your chest feel weird? Just so you know.. it's not related to your high blood pressure, and you're not having a heart attack... not that I was anxious about that or anything. ;-)
Oh, also, wow the milk coming in is weird. And did you know that your mammary glands can press in on nerves making your arm numb and your chest feel weird? Just so you know.. it's not related to your high blood pressure, and you're not having a heart attack... not that I was anxious about that or anything. ;-)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It's Early and Late
I knew it was going to be hard, and I knew it was going to be awesome, but holy crap to both.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Kinda Back
We FINALLY got home at around 10:30pm on the 6th. You people are all awesome for your warm wishes. I'm still dealing with a few things - nothing major, but trying to be more reasonable with energy expectations of myself in the meantime. Baby couldn't be better. Hub is an amazing father, and I'm a lot in love.
I'm also a lot in awe that I did THAT. More soon. Promise. Babybutt hungry.
I'm also a lot in awe that I did THAT. More soon. Promise. Babybutt hungry.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Labor Help PLEASE?
So last night around 12:30am, I started getting really regular contractions that felt different from my previous Braxton-Hicks. I timed them and they were about 9-11 minutes apart. I rested for a while until they got more intense and seemingly more frequent. Around 1:30 they were 6-9 minutes apart, and I started experiencing chills and some nausea. I went to bed to get some sleep. At 4:30, they were 5-7 mins apart, in my back, front and cervix and lasting more than a minute, so I called my doctor's office. I still wasn't sure if it was real labor or not. They advised me to go to the hospital.
At the hospital, they found me to be 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is at -1 or -2 station. (They weren't sure.) My contractions increased and strengthened and went to about 3 minutes apart for an hour or so. They sent me out to walk for 2 hours, but when I came back, contractions were stronger and more painful, but still at 2-5 minutes apart, and there was nothing new with my cervix.
Now I'm at home with some pain medication, instructions to rest and eat and then walk, walk, walk, and to come back when it's time. My big question is this. How in the HELL do I know when it's time? My contractions are already pretty painful (though not unbearable.. just difficult to walk and speak through for some, just discomfort for others) and very frequent. What else is going to change if my water doesn't break to let me know it's time to go? More pain? I'm a little freaked because I was relying on contraction timing to know when it was time to go to the hospital. Now I have no idea. Does anyone have any advice? Please?
P.S. I wrote the previous post yesterday and scheduled it to post this AM. That's why I have a long post when I should have been worried about the baby.
At the hospital, they found me to be 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is at -1 or -2 station. (They weren't sure.) My contractions increased and strengthened and went to about 3 minutes apart for an hour or so. They sent me out to walk for 2 hours, but when I came back, contractions were stronger and more painful, but still at 2-5 minutes apart, and there was nothing new with my cervix.
Now I'm at home with some pain medication, instructions to rest and eat and then walk, walk, walk, and to come back when it's time. My big question is this. How in the HELL do I know when it's time? My contractions are already pretty painful (though not unbearable.. just difficult to walk and speak through for some, just discomfort for others) and very frequent. What else is going to change if my water doesn't break to let me know it's time to go? More pain? I'm a little freaked because I was relying on contraction timing to know when it was time to go to the hospital. Now I have no idea. Does anyone have any advice? Please?
P.S. I wrote the previous post yesterday and scheduled it to post this AM. That's why I have a long post when I should have been worried about the baby.
But Everyone Else is Doing it!
So yeah.. I usually won't follow trends just to be a butthead, but I really like summing up this whole decade of my life in little blurbs thing like I've seen a bunch of other bloggers do. Thanks for letting me steal your ideas!
2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)
End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.
October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.
November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)
2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)
Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.
Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.
2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)
2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.
2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.
Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.
October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.
2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.
I grow even more professionally.
2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.
March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.
May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.
Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.
I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.
At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.
The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.
Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.
2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.
August - We close on our first house!
I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.
October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.
November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.
December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.
2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?
I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.
I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .
Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.
August - Our five year wedding anniversary!
December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.
2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!
January - I begin class and love it!
March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.
May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.
I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.
And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.
Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!
2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)
End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.
October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.
November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)
2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)
Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.
Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.
2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)
2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.
2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.
Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.
October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.
2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.
I grow even more professionally.
2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.
March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.
May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.
Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.
I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.
At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.
The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.
Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.
2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.
August - We close on our first house!
I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.
October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.
November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.
December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.
2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?
I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.
I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .
Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.
August - Our five year wedding anniversary!
December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.
2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!
January - I begin class and love it!
March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.
May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.
I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.
And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.
Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Fear and Exhilaration
Recently I decided that pregnancy is for me, very much like a trip by plane. Years ago, I had a string of very bad experiences during flights that led to me developing high anxiety every time a trip approached. I still went through the process anyway because I knew I had to for my desired result, but it was hard on me emotionally and physically.
I would be tense with trepidation as I boarded and would sit with baited breath as we taxied. Though the power of take-off for me was always an exhilarating experience filled with the excitement of my trip, I was also aware that take-off is considered one of the riskier moments of air travel. So I'd grip the armrests and try my best to hide the conflicted swirlings of my emotions.
Then that blessed moment of peace would come when the captain would announce that we'd reached our cruising altitude and could move about the cabin. Being someone who researches the heck out of things that scare or concern me, I knew this was a relatively "safe" time. I could breathe easier, do some crosswords if it didn't aggravate my motion sickness, and get up for that anxiety pee that had been poking my bladder in earnest. On my better days, I could even rest my head against the wall for a relaxing snooze. All I had to worry about were possible turbulence that may not even come, and the ways in which I was going to enjoy our upcoming vacation. I often wouldn't even think about the landing. I prefer to take each moment as it comes to deal with it.
Just as I'd completely relaxed though, I would feel those changes in altitude. Following that was the announcement that we had begun our descent into "X" airport. That always thrilled me because it meant we were so close to a new experience, and travel is one of my favorite things in the world. At the same time though, we'd have to land to get there - yet another of the "riskier" moments, and one that always scared me because I couldn't feel those strong engines lifting us up like I could during take-off. It feels to me much like a graceful fall, which I suppose it is.
So down we'd go. Again, I'd be gripping the armrests. Except this time I would stare at the ground and think about our chances of survival after a possible crash with each descent. In my head I'd chant, "almost there, almost there," before touch down allowed me to breathe out in a woosh of relief and pure happiness at our arrival.
With Hub's love and help and with a lot more positive flight experiences under my belt, I eventually began to relax enough to enjoy flight again. (Because despite all this, I truly do love planes and enjoy the amazing experience of flight. Having an Air Force pilot for a Grandfather didn't hurt.) I hope for pregnancy to be the same. The experience of getting to this point was filled with a lot of trials and pain while the beginning of pregnancy was amazing, terrifying, exciting and horrible. I finally developed a kind of peace during the second trimester and began enjoying the baby in my womb without so much fear. I thought perhaps I had conquered the nerves. But now I'm at the end. I'm at that point again where we start to worry about declining amniotic fluid, reduced fetal movement and the breakdown of the placenta. Then of course there's always the chance of need for induction, c-section or other intervention. I'm finding this stage almost as scary as the beginning. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I can feel the little stinker in there and touch his actual body parts with love. But when he doesn't move as he usually does? Well, then I panic just a little. And just the thought of anything jeopardizing this little one makes the thought of dealing with a plane crash and my mortality an almost easy thing to bear in comparison. I never understood that. I never could have imagined that... until now. Almost there... almost there.
I would be tense with trepidation as I boarded and would sit with baited breath as we taxied. Though the power of take-off for me was always an exhilarating experience filled with the excitement of my trip, I was also aware that take-off is considered one of the riskier moments of air travel. So I'd grip the armrests and try my best to hide the conflicted swirlings of my emotions.
Then that blessed moment of peace would come when the captain would announce that we'd reached our cruising altitude and could move about the cabin. Being someone who researches the heck out of things that scare or concern me, I knew this was a relatively "safe" time. I could breathe easier, do some crosswords if it didn't aggravate my motion sickness, and get up for that anxiety pee that had been poking my bladder in earnest. On my better days, I could even rest my head against the wall for a relaxing snooze. All I had to worry about were possible turbulence that may not even come, and the ways in which I was going to enjoy our upcoming vacation. I often wouldn't even think about the landing. I prefer to take each moment as it comes to deal with it.
Just as I'd completely relaxed though, I would feel those changes in altitude. Following that was the announcement that we had begun our descent into "X" airport. That always thrilled me because it meant we were so close to a new experience, and travel is one of my favorite things in the world. At the same time though, we'd have to land to get there - yet another of the "riskier" moments, and one that always scared me because I couldn't feel those strong engines lifting us up like I could during take-off. It feels to me much like a graceful fall, which I suppose it is.
So down we'd go. Again, I'd be gripping the armrests. Except this time I would stare at the ground and think about our chances of survival after a possible crash with each descent. In my head I'd chant, "almost there, almost there," before touch down allowed me to breathe out in a woosh of relief and pure happiness at our arrival.
With Hub's love and help and with a lot more positive flight experiences under my belt, I eventually began to relax enough to enjoy flight again. (Because despite all this, I truly do love planes and enjoy the amazing experience of flight. Having an Air Force pilot for a Grandfather didn't hurt.) I hope for pregnancy to be the same. The experience of getting to this point was filled with a lot of trials and pain while the beginning of pregnancy was amazing, terrifying, exciting and horrible. I finally developed a kind of peace during the second trimester and began enjoying the baby in my womb without so much fear. I thought perhaps I had conquered the nerves. But now I'm at the end. I'm at that point again where we start to worry about declining amniotic fluid, reduced fetal movement and the breakdown of the placenta. Then of course there's always the chance of need for induction, c-section or other intervention. I'm finding this stage almost as scary as the beginning. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I can feel the little stinker in there and touch his actual body parts with love. But when he doesn't move as he usually does? Well, then I panic just a little. And just the thought of anything jeopardizing this little one makes the thought of dealing with a plane crash and my mortality an almost easy thing to bear in comparison. I never understood that. I never could have imagined that... until now. Almost there... almost there.
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