The Results Episode

There are many updates to be had today. First off, yes, I am definitely leaning toward a depression phase. I'm fighting it, but there it is. With the ttc trials alone, I often feel as if I am suspended in a giant whirlpool of grief. When I'm bobbing at the top, around the perimeter, things are ok. But just one slip or push, and I swirl dramatically toward the funnel. When I'm angry, I fight the current, but when I'm depressed, I let it carry me away. The worst part is that I never seem to be able to climb onto shore.

The "push" for me this time is work. There are a lot of issues going on management-wise that just make me feel like quitting. And I love my job. I'm one of those people who can say that her profession is her passion. It's very upsetting.

So, you're probably thinking, "On with the updates already lady!" Well - I aim to please.

Thyroid
I have one small nodule on my thyroid. The endo says this is normal in people with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and that we'll keep an eye on it. She hasn't gotten back to me about my TSH levels, but the receptionist seemed to be trying to tell me in I-can't-tell-you-cuz-I'm-a-receptionist code that everything is ok there.

Bloodwork
My second prolactin draw came back only a hair over normal, so he will monitor that as well. Everything else in the marathon miscarriage panel came back ok except for a little wonkiness with a clotting factor. (it was the nurse, so I'm not clear on it) He seems unconcerned with that. I'm thinking I may do the whole baby aspirin thing just to be on the safe side. Anyone have input on that?

Cycle
I had an ultrasound today. My ovaries are doing {big sigh} nothing, and it's cycle day 19. RE gave me the go ahead to start progesterone to bring on my period, but if I start tonight, that brings me perilously close to Christmas as my insemination date. Ah. Whatever. God knows none of us really know what's going to happen with this stuff. Maybe I'll start it tomorrow.

The protocol for next cycle is to up the letrazole dosage on CD3-7 and add an FSH injectible as a booster on cycle days 9, 10 and 11. Then we trigger with Ovidrel when needed and do the IUI. I can't say as I'm too thrilled about more needles (or the cost), but whaddya gonna do? At least we have a direction.

I've also asked them to mail me all they've got on reputable adoption agencies. There are lots of conflicting emotions there, but we'll cover that in a future post.

Giving Thanks

JJ at Reproductive Jeans had a great idea to thank the blogger who inspired us. And, as usual, I can't narrow it down to one person. I have four. I stumbled across A Little Pregnant on my own and was completely drawn in by the creative wit and beautiful emotion in her writing. That blog is what got me started. Until then I hadn't even thought about a whole community of IF blogs, though I did have a desire to write about our struggle anonymously.

With my interest piqued, I put feelers out on a message board for blog information. I can't remember who sent me the link to HerVeryOwn, but it was another that completely resonated with me. Then the writer of Baby Steps to Baby Shoes shared her blog link with me. I remember that she had started out not long before that and was so humble about her beautiful writing. I couldn't believe that she didn't give herself more credit for her insightful and finely worded posts. And last, but definitely not least, Kristen at The Sticky Bean not only sent me links to blogs, she sent me information through email that helped me get my footing in this community that was so new to me. She introduced me to Mel at Stirrup Queens and gave me advice for sharing my thoughts. Her welcome was so warm (followed by all the rest of you) that I lost any inhibitions I had about this. I can't thank her enough. Thanks Kristen!!

And all of you continue to inspire me each and every day. I truly wish the best for you all.

A Great Article

Finally! There's an article that reports on the infertility world with straight forward reporting, few mistakes and no snarky remarks! Mel at Stirrup Queens posted a link to this article at the Globe and Mail. Check it out! Many of our near and dear are mentioned.


P.S. In case you wondered.. still no sign of ovulation.

Cycle Day 16 Report

It's CD16 with no ovulation in sight. It seems to me that my fertile signs are slightly more pronounced, but nothing compared to what I usually feel. I have only responded poorly to oral ovulation inducers once, and that was my first cycle on clomid (taken cd5-7) when I ovulated on CD21 with poor fertile signs. I had been responding slightly less well to the femara each cycle though, so I'm not sure what this is about.

And while I do not under any circumstances think that stress causes infertility issues, I do believe that it can delay ovulation through elevated prolactin (which responds to stress) and other hormonal surges. I think it's safe to assume that I was under a lot of stress last week at the very worst time in my cycle, and that may be the culprit. I'm not giving up yet. The ovulation predictor kits are still showing no signs of an LH surge, but I'm not out of the realm of possible ovulation yet. I am very worried that I won't at all though, and then I believe it will be on to injectibles for me. The financial cost of that is what worries me the most. We already have difficulty affording the copays for an oral cycle. I don't even want to think about an injectible one. DearNurse has already made it plain though that they would help me in any way they could. God bless the women in that office.

And I swear, although it seems like it in my posts, I'm not completely dejected. The joy of Christmas is starting to fill our home, Hubster and I are on a really good run, and we go out with good friends tonight to celebrate a birthday. Thank goodness my home life is fulfilling in every other way.

Not so good news

I had another scan today. E2 (estradiol) still at 32. Follicles all still the exact same size as on CD11. CD13 right now. I don't have a lot of experience with this, so have no idea if this is really bad news or not. I know that it sure as hell doesn't feel so good. I'm also feeling defeated at work. Possible depression cycle in the works? God I love going through the stages of grief over and over and over again...

Apologies

I think that in my worked-all-day-cooked-much-of-dinner-gobbled-too-much-tryptophan haze, I did something a little stupid. I think I went and commented on other peoples' blogs. The problem is, I think I may have wished non-Americans a Happy Thanksgiving. Usually I'm pretty good with understanding that there are other countries and traditions in the world (especially considering that my husband is from 2 of those "other" places), but I really wasn't thinking properly. Please forgive me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and family filled Thanksgiving! I made my Grandmother's sweet potato casserole recipe for the first time, and it was GOOD! The consistency wasn't quite up to par, but I'm so happy with the taste. She uses a mixture of crushed pecans, cornflakes, brown sugar and butter as the topping and includes the sugar, marshmallows, butter, milk and eggs in the sweet potato mixture. It's my favorite ever. I also make a mean mashed potato and pumpkin pie. Everything else was not made from scratch, and dear Hubs cooked a mouthwatering turkey. How were your feasts?

A long time ago, Stirrup Queen got an idea from another blogger to list what we're thankful for in ourselves without apology. I always meant to take part in that effort as I thought it was a good one, but lots of things got in the way. I'm thankful for my ability (most of the time) to self reflect. I'm also thankful that I derive so much comfort and joy from family and that I appreciate the small everyday wonders in life.

I am also thankful for my blogger flame of fortitude from Kristen and Yodasmistress. You girls are so kind. I pass it on to Hilary, Allison, Frank, Plump and any other of my fellow bloggers who hasn't received it yet. You are all so deserving.

As for my cycle update, (this is turning out to be quite the mix of topics!) I am now on cycle day 12 and am going in for another follicle scan tomorrow. At the first one (CD11), I had 4 possible contenders with the largest at 13-something. My lining was nice and thick at 10.2mm, but my E2 was still in the 30's. Tomorrow I should find out when the IUI will be and if I will be able to drive the couple hours to see my Grandmother over the weekend. Wish us luck! A thyroid update will be coming soon. Never a dull moment in the FCIF household.

In Memoriam & Thanks

Sorry for my silence, but first and foremost in my mind was helping to take care of my family and grieving for my Grandfather. Even though we knew this was coming, in the first few days there was a thick pressure in my head along with a fog of disbelief and an aching heart. That ache intensified when I wondered what my Grandmother must be feeling; the woman who lost the love of her life. They had been married for over 60 years. She was amazingly strong.

All that was eased by well wishes and prayers from wonderful people like you. I can't thank you enough for your kindness. My Grandfather was a pivotal male role model in my life and so full of strength and joie de vivre. It's hard to believe that's gone. I also feel more at peace for having such a wonderful visit with him the day before he died, and for grieving with the rest of my family at the memorial service and aiding them the best I could. At times like these, all I ever want is to be surrounded by those who feel as I do and to give comfort. It eases the passing and strengthens family bonds.

I'm so proud and full of love for both my Grandparents that I have to share a little about them.
They were both part of the "greatest generation." Grandfather was the perfect age to be called in to World War II. He desperately wanted to be a pilot and managed to gain a spot in the newly formed air force. He flew many missions in the Pacific theater and was forever fond of his beloved plane. No new model (though he flew them) ever captured his heart quite as well. He also loved baseball and was drafted to the big leagues but called to War before he could even begin his career. My Grandparents both decided to wait to marry until he returned. And thankfully he returned to her whole and sound. They started their family a few years later and Grandfather began a long and distinguished career as a Colonel in the US Air Force. Grandmother did an amazing job of keeping the family together and centered while moving all over the world. She also volunteers (still!) for a great variety of womens' causes and stays very active in her community.

They spent a lot of time with their grandchildren no matter how many miles separated them. I have so many fond memories of weeks and months spent with them and my cousins. Thinking back, I'm amazed at their energy and patience... to take in grandchildren from various children for such long stretches. It was great fun and a fundamental part of my upbringing. My Grandmother taught us a lot about life, and beneath the tough exterior, my Grandfather was putty in the hands of his granddaughters (and later - grandsons). My grandparents had mostly boys, but their boys sired mostly girls. On our last visit, my Grandmother asked Grandfather what sex he thought his great grandchildren would be. Despite his difficulty speaking, there was absolutely no hesitation. "Girls," he muttered, with that wry gleam in his eye that spoke volumes. He also spoke about how he wished to hold a baby. I still curse the fates that prohibited us from giving Grandfather his wish. He would have been able to see his great grandchild's first birthday if all had gone according to what we wanted. Instead, PCOS and Hashimoto's robbed us of that chance. I briefly thought about delaying ttc for a little while because of the stress and the desire to give comfort instead of looking inward at this time. However, the miracle of life is what keeps humanity going. For the living left behind, the eventual ending to the story is always sad. Without the continuing wonder at life's gifts and those newly arrived, it would be a sad world indeed. Thus, I decided to plug at it for Grandfather. This is just one more kick in my butt to keep going and not wallow in self pity. Grandfather had no patience for self pity, and it is useless to me. I am learning so much from my journey and I'm grateful. When it finally changes into the journey of parenthood, my Grandfather will be with me in heart and mind. The lessons he taught me will be taught to my children. And I know he'll be glad.

More Sadness

My Grandfather's funeral is this weekend. He was a Hell of a Grandfather, Colonel and Man. (He'd probably chuckle at my use of the word "Hell.") I still can't quite wrap my mind around it, but I'll post a more fitting tribute later.

I was always very much "Grandfather's girl,*" and I'll miss him very much.


*Just one of many considering he had 8 granddaughters.

A lot on my plate...

We went to see my Grandfather today. It was a good visit, and I'm glad we went. He seemed pleased to see us. It won't be too long now. He asked a lot about babies. It broke my heart to tell him that we still weren't there, but I put a very positive spin on it for him. Another family member is pregnant though, and he was happy about that. I wish I could spend every day there helping instead of going to work.

I'm also very worried about a friend's health right now. This next week is going to suck.

Re-started Femara tonight. Let's see how this cycle goes, shall we?

Aunt Flo is in the Building

The REAL Aunt Flo has suddenly shown up in full force and deposed the impostor from before. I'm dying to know what in the Hell this means for my cycle and how we're going to get my body back in sync. Alas it must wait for tomorrow.

Like the new digs? Any complaints about ease of reading?

Just for a Laugh

So I've been having vivid dreams again. I should mention that I dream regularly and on a grand scale. It just so happens that you, dear readers, are privileged enough that I remember my infertility related dream from last night. Here goes:

It started with wandering into a local fertility clinic. When I walked into the waiting room, I was bombarded with the sight and sound of about 8 children ranging in age from infant to12. Their parents were a man and his male partner. One was short and squat and one was tall and thin. For some reason, I could spy on them as they sat in consult with the doctor. Mind you, they only had the infant with them, the other 7 children were wreaking havoc on the waiting room.

It turns out they had adopted all 8 and were looking for a surrogate to carry their biological children. I don't even know if that's possible via a fertility clinic, but in my dream worlds, this is a tame request. Apparently they got news they didn't want to hear because both grimaced in distress and made for the door. That's when the ShortOne laid eyes on me.

He pointed to me and conveyed that he wanted to pay me to be a nanny of sorts (and I'm wondering about the surrogate part as well). So being the sensible girl that I am, I sign up for the job immediately for some extra cash. We all pile into a huge van with me behind the wheel while Tall&Skinny heads off in his nice car alone. They make me drive the van through obstacles of sorts. Why? I have no idea. I just know that at one point I was required to drive in reverse, in deep snow, down a twisty mountain road. Hubster magically appears beside me at this point and scathingly tells me that this is, "no big deal." ShortOne is in the back texting furiously on his B.lackberry and shouting into a cell phone about business deals while trying to hold the crying baby.

When I am finally allowed to drive forward, we head down a rough country road. I stop for directions at one point only to be told that I am on a quest and that I need to keep going. After what seems like hours, we finally find a ramshackle restaurant in the middle of nowhere to give the kids some sustenance. We make our way up the creaky steps only to see Ty P.ennington rushing toward us in welcome; a bandana around his head and his shirtless torso gleaming in the sun. Wait. TY PENNING.TON? Yes. Ty Penning.ton. Even in sleep, I was shocked.

I got all the kids up and ready to go in to eat only to find when I was seated last that all they had left were greasy french fries and hamburgers. When I asked for veggies, Ty pointed to the fries.

Then I woke up. How's that for weird and a lot of hidden messages?

Answers

I'm feeling a little better today, though the spotting continues. I thought I'd answer some of your wonderful questions in a post, then I swear we'll get back to our regularly scheduled programming without so much drama :).

You have a point Fertilize Me. I have been more slack with my diet lately, so that may play a role in the metabolism stuff. And Chips and Yoda wonder if it could be my Synthroid dose as well. I am indeed hypothyroid and was wondering if the symptoms could be due to too high a dose. I'll call my endocrinologist on Monday to discover the results of my blood test and thyroid ultrasound.

Orodemniades definitely hit on one of my concerns when she asked if I had poas (peed on a stick - in other words, had I taken a pregnancy test?). And it just shows how even though I like to pretend I'm well and jaded, those thoughts of a possible pregnancy in almost impossible odds (at least this month) still seep through. I don't know whether to be glad that I'm still not completely jaded, or to be concerned that I can still be that naive. It's such a challenging and ever changing juggling act we do. But to answer her question, yes I did test just to be sure I wasn't pregnant and spotting. The last time I started bleeding while pregnant, the ending was none too happy. And even though it's not my fault, there's still that imp inside that wonders, "If you had made sure to have a progesterone draw earlier, or had agreed to the supplements earlier, you'd be on your way to a baby now." It's completely irrational, but I know those of you who've experienced this can relate.

And a special thanks to Stephanie who is always rooting for me. I will update after I (hopefully) get more answers on Monday. I'm wondering if they'll cancel this IUI cycle if I continue spotting like this.

Something's just not right

First of all, thanks to each and every one of you who have responded with such sweet thoughts and encouragement lately! And Allison asked if they kept me on the same dose. I'm assuming you mean the Femara? If so, yes they kept me on the lowest dose of Femara since I've always responded quickly in the past and with 2 big follicles each time. This time just seems to be quite different from all the others. I'm finished with it now and am waiting for ovulation. I had a very negative OPK today, so who knows how long it will be.

OK, so on to the post title... I just don't feel quite... right. You know what I'm talking about. The body I've inhabited for 30 years has become a comfy (or mostly comfy) shell to which I've become quite accustomed. When that body suddenly starts behaving differently, I feel like I'm not quite myself. I've gone through a lot of this throughout our ttc trials, but I usually know what's causing the disconnect. This time I'm not sure what to blame.

First of all, there's my non-existent period. Just enough to call it a period, but barely. (and I had some spotting again today too.. just for a few hours... on cycle day 12). Secondly, there are my astonishingly high basal body temperatures. What the?? So I'm attaching my chart to show you what I mean exactly.
Also, I've just felt odd. I can't quite describe it. I've been off emotionally and physically. Today started a new thing where I feel incredibly ravenous and start shaking if I don't eat every couple hours, and I'm fatigued quite easily.

Is all this due to the Metformin perhaps? Could my Synthroid increase have been too much? We're still waiting on tsh results to find out for sure. Does anyone have any idea what could possibly be wrong with me?

Update

I had to stay late at work tonight and have been working overtime when it's available. Thus, I'm quite tired, and this update will be brief.

My wonderful wonderful lab tech at the clinic finished my bloodwork. She is quite incredible at what she does. One must never underestimate the importance of a great lab tech or phlebotomist when dealing with a chronic condition. She reduces my stress levels greatly just by being completely competent in her job. It's a nice plus that she's sweet. Of my bloodwork that's already been done, almost all was normal. The one exception was a slightly elevated prolactin level. This is hardly surprising considering I have PCOS, Hashimoto's thyroiditis and was completely stressed out at the first draw; all factors in elevated prolactin. RE wants to redraw later to be sure.

My estradiol today was only 44, and my follies are sad. There are a bunch to be sure, but they are all 8 and under except for one on the left hand side that is a 10. Normally I'm well into the teens by now with at least one. But I knew things weren't going when I didn't feel or see anything indicating that ovulation was near. Of course, now that she's poked around in there, my left side has been aching more like it does pre-O. Oh, and my lining is 8.5 so far. So not terrible news, but not super special either. I monitor myself for any unexpected changes and head back in on Monday for another scan and blood test. I'm only on CD11, so no freaking out yet.

A Glimpse into my Inner Infertility Monologue

OK, so my follicle scan and the rest of that dreaded marathon bloodwork are on for tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I did not have even one day of normal period flow, my basal body temps (bbt) are outrageously high for me for this time in my cycle (Hell, they're even high for my LP!), and I do not feel anything in my ovaries. I usually do at this point. I really doubt I'm pregnant, but in my infertility addled brain, I'm thinking the worst. "Maybe I am miraculously pregnant and the hpt was wrong! Now I've gone and injured my poor baby by downing letrazole like it was candy!"**

The other part of my brain answers, "You aren't pregnant you dolt! You just aren't producing any good follicles and this cycle will have to be canceled. Then you'll be forced to go back to clomid: Drug Spawn of Hell. That's all!"

Seriously. Has anyone had crazy cycles temp and AF wise after Metformin (glucophage)?

________________________________________________________

**(though quite frankly, I could down far more than 5 teeny pieces of candy, so that's a poor analogy)

A little of this and a little of that

So I had my baseline thyroid ultrasound today. It was probably the easiest test I've had in 2 years of testing. They smeared my throat with The Goop and took measurements of my beleaguered thyroid from every angle. I only had one small moment when she nearly gagged me with the darn wand by pressing directly on my Adam's, er, Eve's (?) apple with unnecessary force. I find out the results in a few days.

DearNurse also set up the rest of my bloodwork to be done at the clinic the same day as my big FOLLICLE SCAN! That will be done on Thursday. I finished up the last of my Femara last night, so now it's up to the ovary girls. Little miss righty is always the overachiever, so I'm betting on her. I'm back to charting again, and my temps are doing some crazy things. Let's hope that just means that my meds are doing what they are supposed to.

On a food note; you know that you are successful in your attempts to lower your sugar intake when unsweetened tea is just fine with you, natural, organic lemonade has to be cut half and half with water, and regular peanut butter makes your lips pucker from the sweetness. I find that I actually crave my wonderful, delicious Smucker's Natural Peanut Butter (no sugar added) over the regular stuff! It's especially good on slightly tart organic apples. Mmmmm. I think I'm going to have to compile that post of suggested healthy snacks soon. If you have any you'd still like to sneak in or recommend, please feel free! I may do a recipe one after that. Remember how I mentioned that I'm like Remy? Maybe I'm even worse. How I didn't pick a career in food, I don't know. I suppose another passion trumped that one. (The environment, children, animals and travel are all up there.)

We're off to try a new Mexican place tonight. We've got a great COUPON! Til later all.

I am a very naughty girl.

I had TWO slices of gooey, greasy, oozing, delicious NY style pizza for dinner tonight. I then chased that with 3 malted milk balls from our Halloween stash. AAAAaahhhhh Mmmmmmmmm. It was just me for dinner, and I get one very bad dinner or big dessert during my period. (my rule) I've been craving pizza, and NY style is my favorite in the whole world. Even if I pay for it later, it's going to be sooooooooo worth it. And I don't think one bad dinner ruins all my conception chances.

Do you think the word "naughty" will bring in some unintended traffic? hmm