Soapy nuts

I got some econuts (those seed/soap things as laundry detergent) in the mail today. They were 50% off courtesy of the baby half off blog. Woo hoo! I'll be sure to let you know how they turn out... IF you weigh in on my last post (thanks Jen!) What? I'm not above a little manipulation.

Positive Reinforcement Questions?

Ok folks. I'm kind of stuck as to what I'd like to write about next, and I figured, "Why not ask the people (4 of you? Maybe 5? heh heh) who are going to read it?"

Would you like a tutorial on basic first steps to training? This would mostly be involving animals, but I could give examples on how a human approach might differ. Do you want to see that at all? Or just not in the next step?

The other thing I want to address soon is "setting yourself up for success." I want to outline best practices and the way to laying a good ground work along with some of the methods behind the (not so) madness.

Input?

Thanks lovies!

On Positive Reinforcement: A Teaser

I swear I have not forgotten about this series! Life has just needed to be lived a little more fully lately, and blogging takes a back seat. I plan to talk about ways to set yourself up for success in this arena in the next installment, hopefully out tomorrow. In the meantime, maybe you'd like to brush up on Part I or Part II?

Perfect Moment Monday: Coming in Just Under the Wire

When I walked up my driveway after work Saturday night, E had not seen me for 22 and a half hours. (Since he went to bed the night before.) When Hub opened the door, my baby rushed to the screen door, mouthed "Maamaa!" a bunch of times and banged on the glass. When I opened the door and swooped him up, he said over and over again, "Mama! I gosssoooo! I gosssoooooooo!" It took us a moment to realize that what he was saying was, "Mama I got you!"

Be still my beating heart.

Go see the other current Perfect Moment Monday entries at Write Mind Open Heart.

Cute Baby Stories

• A few weeks ago, Hub was goofing around and hit me in the leg where an old wound still acts up. I told him so and E, watching us, became concerned. When Hub poked it inadvertently as he was checking to see where it was, I exclaimed again and E started to get really upset. He began crawling furiously toward me. Hub noticed and said, "It's ok honey! Daddy didn't mean to. I'll kiss it to make it better," and he kissed my leg. E calmed upon seeing this and then proceeded to pat me and repeatedly kiss my leg complete with smacking noises.
• Sometimes he grabs my face, pulls it down to his and gives me a real kiss (no more open mouth messiness). He then says, "I kiss ooooooo!"
• Last night E was having trouble with his tummy because of a course of amoxicillin. To make life easier, Daddy brought him into our bed. The only problem was, Daddy wasn't finished working in the living room. So he stayed there for a little while as E settled (with me beside him.) When Hub thought it was safe, he started to slide backward off the bed and onto the floor. E noticed the movement, looked up a little and said to the top of Daddy's head poking just above the bed, "I seeeee oooooo!"
• E has started to say, "YES!" emphatically when we hit the right problem. For example, today he was fussy and I said to him, "Are you hungry?" No answer. Then, "Are you sleepy?" No answer and more fussing. Then I said, "Do your teeth hurt?" And he said, "YES!" as if he were a man who'd been lost in the desert and offered some water. When I asked, "Do you need some medicine?" He flung himself toward me and breathed out a relieved, "YES!" He does this with tummy aches, toy needs whatever. It's amazing when he can communicate like that. On the other hand, we seem to have lost the "no" head shake in response to questions. If we could just combine them....
• And finally, today at naptime, E was taking longer than usual to fall asleep and there was some fussing. I thought maybe he hadn't gotten enough food (there are tummy issues as mentioned above) so I went in to see what was wrong. The minute I walked over to his crib he looked up at me and said, "Keem UP!" which means, "Clean em up." I asked if he was hungry and he just repeated with his different pronunciation variations on "Clean em up." So then I said, "Do you have poopy?" and he said, "YES!" He was quite right.
  

Yes he is an adorable genius.

Adventures in Babysitting

I have a coworker in a different department who has some of the same childcare issues I do and works even weirder hours. She got in a bind today and needed help, so we agreed to watch her sweet 3 month old boy.

... And I found out why some people seemed to view me as a shit when I seemed so worn out from watching E or didn't want to risk taking him somewhere public. "Normal" newborns are not that hard! This kid fell asleep easily, smiled at us all day, slept for hours at a time on his own in E's strange crib or the swing and his cry was that sweet, soft baby cry. E's was a piercing, desperate wail every.single.time. And it happened because I stopped feeding him to burp him, or put him down for a second, or laid him on the floor, or rattled the chip bag too loudly or... you get the idea. I'm not saying I hold the dear sweet boy accountable. I'm just saying I had confirmation yet again today that we weren't just crazy slackers and that that kid was hard.

In fact, just a few months ago our daycare lady said to a friend picking him up, "I don't know how they do it!" And this was when we considered him easy! Note that our daycare lady is wonderful and loves E, but has acknowledged many times how tricky he is. That's ok. It just means that now as a toddler, we find him ridiculously easy. I think he may be similar to other toddlers, but he just seems so easy in comparison to the early months.

I also had confirmation that I don't think I could ever do two kids closely spaced. I just don't have the stamina for it. I have the smarts and the love, but the body lets me down. E was also less than thrilled about the addition to the household for 12 hours. It wasn't that he didn't like the baby. It was more that he didn't know what to do with him and that he put a crimp in E's routine. Crimping E's routine is not good for any of us. He seemed insecure when I was holding the baby as well. The cutest thing though is that when the baby would cry, E would bring me his pacifier (to which E never took if you remember, but he seemed to think it belonged in the baby's mouth at all times), a few of his own toys, and the baby's blanket. When none of that worked, if the baby continued to cry, E would start to cry with him. It was so sweetly saddening. He also liked pushing the baby in his swing and never once was rough with him. But boy was he relieved when the baby went home! God I love this kid.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

You are now on your way to 17 months old! I can hardly believe it! Physically you are a more and more handsome little boy every day. Your hair is lightening some into a caramel/chocolate mix, and it's THICK! Your smile is still the light of our lives, and your sparkly eyes and long, thick eyelashes woo the girls every time. Who you are becoming though, is even more beautiful. You are loving, sweet, engaged, energetic, gentle, happy, personable, funny and oh so smart. You love to pat people and toys you love. You even "ticka ticka" inanimate objects. Not long ago, you started opening your arms wide and throwing them around my neck for a big hug. The night before last you said for the first time, "Gonna Kissoooo!" and brought my face down to yours for an honest to goodness real kiss! The little stinker is in there too though - not to worry. Last week you plucked my iPod from the counter and ran away from me with it held high over your head, giggling like mad. And when I say "ran" I mean high stepped with your shoulders hunched in teeny bit faster version of your walk. Your walk is coming along quite well though! You almost never go down on all fours anymore. We can see the pride in your face when you do it so well. It's so heart warming to hold your little hand and walk beside you, or to have you toddle throughout the house following us.

"Mama, whe aaah yoooou?" echoes throughout the house frequently as does, "Daddy, IS he?" That one means, "Daddy, where is he?" The other night Daddy had to stay out late and wasn't home when we came in from daycare. You started asking for him the minute we pulled into the driveway and continued once inside. I ordered pizza, and when the delivery man came to the door, a huge grin split across your face as you shouted a delighted, "DADDYYY!" and scrambled for the door. I tried to warn you that it wasn't him, but in your excitement you didn't understand. It broke my heart to see your face fall when you realized it was a stranger.

You are just so amazing E. You put complex thoughts together all the time and you radiate love and delight in life. You are just so genuine, and people love you so much. You have your daycare lady wrapped around your little finger. You're also developing so many preferences and ideas. (You even say "DEE-AH!") One of your favorite things to do right now is "Duuu-RAAW" (draw). The minute you see paper or a writing implement, you have to do it. Even just seeing Caillou (who is your favorite TV friend in the whole world) do it on TV can spark an interest. Other interests are music, animals and nature. You are far more excited by digging in the dirt or splashing in the water than in playing with plastic toys. It's pretty cool I have to say. You are a boy after my own heart. Who am I kidding? You have my heart in the palm of your tiny hand.

We love you so much sweetie. Daddy and I are enjoying every minute of raising you. You have brought so much to our relationship and our lives. Thank you for becoming a part of our family.

All my love,
Mama

Easing Up and Advice

Things seem to be settling in our household. Whew! Thank goodness! A quick question for you all now that I have a moment to breathe...

We are looking at getting a second car seat. This time we want one that is smaller for our small cars, $100 or less (on sale or whatever), has a good rating and doesn't have to go that high on weight. Up to 35 or 40 pounds is fine. I have a feeling that E is going to be in the twenties for QUITE a while. Any suggestions?

All Over the Place

• It's funny how different everyone is about blogging. Some need to do it daily to keep it going. Some do it when they see an interesting story or have a bone to pick. I only do it when I feel it. I have to need to blog. It has to be something I love doing. I can never make it happen. I guess writers are that way too.
• I have had some things I needed to say lately, but my need in other areas of my life trumped them for the time being. That's why I'm getting some bullets in to get it out of my head quickly!
• E ended up having some nasty allergies that turned into a sinus infection and possible ear infection - all complicated by the arrival of MOLARS! Poor child. Sleep has not been easy in this house the past few weeks.
• Soo... E got the go ahead to go on Zyrtec. Anyone have any advice/warnings? Doc said it should be ok, and I trust him but still...
• I had my first ever Mammogram today. It wasn't painful at all! Only one position was a tiny bit uncomfortable. I mentioned this to the tech, and she said that the plates used to be metal and hurt a lot more than the plastic. I also give props to my post baby ladies. They sure ain't so perky anymore. That makes it easier! Not so much to smoosh.
• They didn't find anything. So FavoriteOB is right. It's inflammation. (He's always right) Yay!
• Before I knew there was nothing, there were a lot of shots and re-shots, and I got a tiny taste of how horrible the waiting must be for possible cancer diagnosis. I did not like it one bit. All the ladies there today were for diagnostic testing, and it broke my heart. It made me glad to see they were treated so very kindly.
  
• The weather has been so incredibly beautiful, and I'm so thankful. We went to the sweetest little playground yesterday and had the most wonderful time.
• I need to write a letter for E. His growth is astounding! I know I'm biased, but he is soooo smart.
• I've been having lots of dreams that we have to leave Florida, and I cry. I guess we know it will be hard huh?
• Speaking of dreams, after reading the latest Sookie Stackhouse book, I had a doozy about trying to escape vampires myself. I was desperately trying to contact my Dad's oldest brother because he was the most powerful vampire I knew. And somewhere on the other end of the ether, my cousin, his daughter, is quite possibly spraying a drink all over her computer screen or choking on a bite of food in mirth.
  
• So much more to say, but time for that later. Sleep is calling.
  

Sleep

We have been having a lot of sleep issues the past several weeks. Teeth no longer appear to be the main culprit. It's bad. Any thoughts?

And gold star for hub just because he's a nice guy.

Dry Spell

As my cousin brought up in a conversation tonight, sometimes even the things that are supposed to be just yours alone and make you happy are stressful, you are just too tired to go there. I am happy and well, but when I am less tired and preoccupied I will resume.

Your Post Comments

Hey there! I had three comments on the last post and usually would address them within the comments or directly to the person, but in this case, I'd like to keep a discussion going and spread as much knowledge about this as possible. So I hope you guys don't mind!

Here goes:

Jen - Yes you are right. I am that awesome.

OK, OK. I'll get down to the serious stuff.

Rebecca worries that she's too "soft" on discipline. To that I say please do not confuse kindness and positive parenting or reinforcement with being too soft or "spoiling" your animal, loved one or child. Physical punishment, yelling etc are not necessarily "strong" actions. In fact, it often takes much more strength and discipline to step back and assess your situation and choose a path that works best. Striking out is usually more of a reflex than anything and another reason that punishment is so difficult. If you are going to punish, it cannot be in the heat of anger. It needs to be reasoned and carefully implemented. There is actually a lot of structure and discipline in a good training regimen. Being strong in those circumstances is sticking to the criteria you've selected for the behavior you want and only bending when it's necessary to "re-train" the behavior because of a breakdown in your expectations for whatever reason. (Potty training is a really good example in that a really bad experience or learning a big new thing can often cause behavior regression. Again, more later.) It also means being very very consistent. If you decide to ignore a behavior you don't want, whining for example, it can really set you back when you give in that one time to the extensive whining. The next time, whine will last longer because you have taught them that's how long it takes. You basically trained a longer whine. You do not have to accept "bad" behavior, but you do need to know how to react (or not react) in a way that ensures better results down the line. MUCH of the reactions we see in other beings around us have some root in how we've "trained" those individuals behaved - especially those with whom we have close relationships. Yes, even I have trained people to treat me badly by the way I accepted and encouraged it without meaning to. It doesn't make it right, but I can't change their behavior, only my own.

If you think you ARE being too soft, ask yourself these questions:
1. Is my subject continually offering behaviors that I like and want?
2. Am I getting mostly satisfactory results when I ask for my desired behaviors?
3. Am I happy with our interactions?

If the answer to those 3 are a definite "yes," then you are probably doing just fine. Keep in mind also, that the behavior acceptable to each family is very different, and that's ok as long as it works for you. You train to suit you. I've had people tell me that I've "spoiled" a training subject, yet the subject did what I asked regularly and without aggression or complaint. A good relationship and positive feedback do NOT equal "spoiling." I've grown to despise that word. If the person using it can't give any more criticism than that, it seems to be used when someone else doing the training or observing is either jealous that you have that kind of relationship, or a bad trainer herself who can't get the same results from other people or animals.

Natalie has some great anecdotal information concerning her family's experience with training. I love reading that stuff and would find it really interesting if any of you write your own posts (as Rebecca mentioned) on this in the future. If you do, please let me know so I can link to it. I am endlessly fascinated by this subject.

NOTE: I've recommended "Don't Shoot the Dog" as a great training book about people and animals, but note that it somewhat "dumbs down" the terms and glosses over some of the more technical aspects of this subject in an effort to make it more readable and enjoyable for the average person. So some of this info I'm discussing may not be laid out in there as clearly. Another book that does something similar is "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." I'd hazard that Dr. Harvey Karp knows his psychology quite well and that this is his way of making much of it digestible for parents of toddlers. I highly recommend it.

Clarification

Lest you think this has no practical application and that my head is completely in the clouds: yes, in some situations some form of punishment is needed. However, if used well and paired with positive reinforcement, results can be much more promising. And in those instances when there is just a truly negative interaction (hey - it's gonna happen) you will have made a lot if deposits into your trust bank so that when you make one withdrawal, the effects aren't as lasting or severe. That's why we put up with more crap from friends who have done a lot for us.

Let's Talk Positive Reinforcement Part II

And tonight I get the chance to write my "training" post! See Part I here.
WARNING: I am very prone to stupid errors, so if you note some (Jen, I'm looking at you) or have a question involving continuity etc, please please point it out so I can address and/or change it.

In this installment, I am going to give a brief overview of a few points on positive reinforcement and how it relates to operant and classical conditioning. Secondly, I will discuss why some people choose to use positive reinforcement more heavily than other types of training and conditioning.

Everyone remembers the old story of the dog and the bell and the salivation right? Or you may remember it more commonly as "Pavlov's dog." Classical conditioning is used a little in positive reinforcement training when we discuss the "bridge." Another thing you may all have heard to some degree is "clicker training" right? It's most commonly heard in association with dogs. The whistle that a marine mammal trainer uses when his or her animal completes a behavior is just another form of that same tool. The word "good" can also be used with children or animals, but in animals especially, it can not be as clear. This is called a bridge in that it bridges the behavior desired to the reward promised. It's a little different from Pavlov's bell for a few reasons, but we will get back to the bridge later. (remind me if I forget. ;-)

Positive reinforcement falls under the umbrella of Operant Conditioning. In fact, the different methods of reward and punishment I will be discussing are all part of Skinner's work here. And basically that's what it concerns - increasing or decreasing a desirable or undesirable behavior through different means of reward and punishment. Most positive reinforcement trainers will use a little of all these methods, but will rely mostly on positive reinforcement.

NOTE: A reinforcement technique is used to INCREASE the probability of a desired response occuring again. A punishment technique is used to DECREASE the probability of an undesired response occurring again.

The 4 techniques used are (and some of this will be review)
1. positive reinforcement (adding something to the environment)
2. negative reinforcement (removing something from the environment)
3. positive punishment (again adding a punisher)
4. negative punishment (removing something as a punisher - ex. taking away tv privileges)

All of these techniques can be used in some measure to gain desired behavior. However, it takes skill and knowledge to use any of them well. Many trainers prefer to rely heavily on positive reinforcement, and this is one reason. Positive reinforcement training itself comes with a whole tool box of techniques and ideas that aid in its implementation. It takes a while to perfect. Using the others takes just that much more. Negative reinforcement involves removing something undesired after the completion of a behavior in order to reward that. With a skittish animal, that could simply be your presence. But it is complicated to even explain let alone execute. So that is why many steer more in the positive reinforcement direction.

As for the punishments, there are a few reasons why reinforcement (in my opinion and according to experts who use it) is a more desirable approach if it's possible. (and it usually is).

1. A subject will only work as hard as it needs to to avoid a particular punishment. For reinforcement (if it is truly a good reinforcer for that individual), a subject will work above and beyond what is asked with often much more spectacular results.
   Ex) You may have been punished for staying out past curfew. Let's say your curfew was 9pm. If you came in at 9:05, you were yelled at and couldn't go out for a week. No reinforcement was given. How often did you come in early (say 8:30? 8?) - I'd hazard not often. It was probably usually at best 8:50 unless you were very nervous. Now let's say you were given the keys to Mom and Dad's car for a a day for each minute you were early, and you discovered this every time it happened (whether or not punishment was added for lateness). You would probably have rolled in a bit earlier when you needed those keys right?
2. If punishment loses its effectiveness, the ante must be upped. And in many animals' cases at least, punishment must be severe enough to cause fear of death to have any sort of lasting effect. Who wants to go there?
3. Much as in the case with #1, the punisher must often be present for the subject to exhibit the proper behavior. ex) Your dogs are smacked and/or yelled at for getting on the couch. When you're not home, guess where many of them go? You guessed it, right on the couch. You may be able to think of a punisher strong enough that they are so afraid to get on the couch that they won't even when you aren't present. But isn't it much more pleasant to think of a reward wonderful enough?
   
4. Punishment has unintended results. Punishment often works, at least in the short term. But how many people have heard of circus animals turning on trainers or beaten dogs becoming unpredictable and thus unadoptable? How many people have seen a child get smacked in public only to see that child turn around and sass the parent, or to see them sulk and stalk away? Yes, these things happen and the moment eases. However, the effects that you can't see continue to color the relationship if it happens often enough. It's also variable depending on the individual, but again, isn't variable joy preferable to variable anger and resentment? Fear does not equal respect. Think back to some of your favorite teachers or other adults in your lives. Were they the ones who ruled the classroom by complete fear and little positive reinforcement? Or were they the ones who built you up? How did you feel about them? Like you would do anything for them? Positive reinforcement used to a knowledgeable person has pretty predictable results. And the "problems" you can have from them rarely include aggression.
5. Punishment is very tricky to use well. It requires a much more steadied hand, knowledge of behavior and training and calm demeanor than positive reinforcement. And how often is that the case?
   
6. When you use punishment, you "model" that behavior for your subject. You are using some sort of aggression, often on someone or something smaller and more helpless than you are even if you preach otherwise. Therefore, it can be viewed as an ok way for them to act as well. Excuse me while I go into a little story to illustrate my point:

A friend of mine was talking about how she recently has started spanking her toddler for "dangerous" behaviors. The way she discussed it, it didn't seem there was much structure or consistency to the application of her punishment (bad in any training scenario.) She was telling us about a recent event in which she spanked her for getting up on a chair. She said that after that, "X got down and scowled at me! She actually scowled! Then she stalked toward me and raised her hand as if to hit me! I told her, NO MA'AM! We don't HIT Mommy! I let her know by my sternest face and voice that in no way was that ever ok. That little stinker has even tried it a couple of times since! Can you believe it?" And yes, actually I really could. And no I'm not saying that a toddler, animal etc will never exhibit aggression with a parent or trainer if they don't see it modeled. I'm just saying that "do as I say, not as I do" is not the most effective platform from which to preach non-violence, and that an aggressive response is more common following an aggressive reaction.

QUESTIONS? I'm sure I've missed something. And if I have, feel free to add to the discussion! I love talking about this stuff, and will feature your questions in various posts as they're asked. Our next installment will involve the actual application of various techniques.

An Excuse to See my Favorite Doctor

Today I got to visit the best Obgyn in the whole world. Who else can say they're excited to see their gynecologist? Luckily for me though, it wasn't that kind of appointment. I was going to discuss that breast pain I mentioned long ago when my milk came in... the one that often made it difficult to sleep it was so painful. FavoriteOB had thought it might just be milk pressing on nerves, which part of it may very well have been. However, the pain hasn't gone away 6 months after weaning. It's not as intense, but it's still there and doesn't feel so great. It's particularly bad during my follicular phase. It's mostly on one side, but the other has its share too.

FavoriteOB did an exam with E in tow (who thought the nurse and doc were hurting me) and thinks that it's most likely just inflammation of the chest wall due to all the changes my breasts have been through in the past year or so. I will be getting a mammogram and possibly an ultrasound just in case, but he doesn't suspect they'll find anything serious. He's always wanted to get a younger baseline on me anyway due to my cyst and fibrous tissue, so here's a good excuse!

Another bit of good news from this visit; my blood pressure is back down to almost pre pregnancy levels! I used to regularly measure in the 90's over the 60's and 70's. My highest during pregnancy was 148/95, and I never really went below 128/85. My highest post partum was something like 165/121. Today? I WAS 100/68! And that was while I was trying to soothe a crying E! (Surely the blood pressure cuff was a torture device for Mommy!) I am so excited and pleased. It's been coming down tiny bit by tiny bit each doctor visit, but this is the first time in over a year and a half that I've been in my normal.

All I can do

Since E is now eating enough to feed a small village for 3 days, I think that on top of the teething, he's probably going through a growth spurt. This means that we are not having a lot of quality sleep. He stays in his crib most of the time, but I'm awake every time he is because that's how I roll. Thus, we will be having no positive reinforcement post tonight, as I need to get to bed and get some sleep before the fun starts. Today kinda sucked since I stayed up too late last night and paid for it when E was up at 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 (when I finally gave in). The really sucky thing is that there are no less than 4 posts yammering away in my head, so I have to at least get some bullet points in or I'll never sleep for all the brain noise. Be prepared for a completely random mix of important and mundane.

• You guys are awesome. I was all worried about appearing jerkish in my last post, but your words have been nothing but exceedingly kind.
• I have to say that it's pretty wonderful when you are cycling regularly. My periods no long make me want to curl into a ball in the corner and weep. My clothing thanks me too.
• I definitely do need to write a post about how the economy is affecting our neighborhood. It's scaring me.
• I'm glad that we handled the Osama bin Laden mission in the way that we did... no bombing for less collateral damage, burial according to Muslim law, no governmental celebration dance. Instead of making us weak, I believe it makes us the people we'd like to be. I do not believe we are granted privilege to act horribly because someone we dealt with was horrible. That is flawed logic and demeans us as a nation. Self defense is acceptable; dishonorable behavior is not. (My Colonel Grandfather's voice is ringing in my ears there).
  
• A long time ago I shared how I'm allowed crappy food the first 2 crappy days of my cycle. Thank God the second day is over because I have seriously shamed myself the past 2 days. I wouldn't be surprised if I gained a pound or two. Chocolate is my friend.
• Why was it that Pa always got to bathe first on Little House on the Prairie? I mean... I know he had to get up early to go do hard manual labor and all that, but come on. Wasn't he the smelliest too? The kids probably didn't care, but what did Ma ever do to deserve that?
  
• That one's been on my mind a while. And now you get a glimpse of my twisted mind.
• Hub is "napping" on the couch (at 10pm) while clutching his new foam Thor hammer. And now you get a glimpse into HIS twisted mind.
  

Headlines

Tsunamis, tornadoes, uprisings, earthquakes, so much devastation to acknowledge lately. I rarely do on this blog because I rarely feel that I have much of worth to add, and this little blog doesn't usually seem the right forum. Then last night the news on Osama Bin Laden came out. It's a strange mix of emotions as an American isn't it? And yes, he's an important figure head who helped inflame many against our country, but we know this is not the end to this particularly awful story.

Place Holder

I'm writing this because I love sharing about positive reinforcement techniques and other training, and this will force me to actually have some follow through.

Tomorrow: an overview of how positive reinforcement works, maybe a little definition of operant conditioning and why some people (some of the first being marine mammal trainers) choose it over other techniques.

On the Second Child

WARNING: Lots of frank discussion on my experiences with pregnancy and thoughts about second children. Feeling sensitive? Might want to skip it.

Note: This post from 2008 still has a lot of relevance to my decisions today. How interesting it was to see the pre-baby me again.

The topic of a second child is on my mind at least once a day. I'm thinking about whether we should add to our family, the way in which we should add to our family, why we've made some of the decisions we have already made regarding that possibility and/or how I'd like to blog about it. I've made mention that I wanted to discuss this before, and I'm just finally getting around to it. This topic takes a long time to brew before it can really be served up for others. Even now I know that time and circumstances are going to change some of our thoughts for sure. But I feel that I'm ready to share where we are at this time.

As far as a third pregnancy, (you'll remember that my first via Femara/iui didn't last so long) both of us pretty firmly agree that there won't be one that we've planned. There won't even be one by surprise unless we seriously mess up (and my body happens to be cooperating.) Hub is a little more firm in this stance than I am, as my motherly hormones sometimes make me a bit wistful, but I'm right on board with this decision. The reasons? Oh there are so many reasons. Can I just laze it up and make a list?

1. I remember the bitterness, roller coaster, depression and the final dichotomy of painful yet joyful relief in acceptance that struggling to conceive wrought. I do not want to take any chances that I will EVER go there again. And I know I would. I have so much trouble accepting what I see as failure. And I'm very demanding about what I want.

2. Much in line with number 1, we are so at peace and happy with our lives now. I am so so thankful to be someone who is able to accept life with one biological child and be ok with that. In fact, I'm more than ok. I am practically in the clouds most days.

3. We don't have the money or much space or time for a second biological child. We are stuck in our small, 2 bedroom house. We are so grateful to have it, and we love it, but it is financially impossible to leave it, and space is definitely tight. To assure that there wouldn't be as much struggle to conceive, it would probably need to be soon while I'm still enjoying the results of a break in my PCOS spiral. But two in daycare would be financial ruin. And if I quit my job, we'd lose health benefits for our family. No winning there. And time wise, we work so much that we find ourselves (much like many others) fighting to get time together and have even some left over for pets, friends, other relatives etc. This all means we'd be waiting until E was at least 4 to even go for another... which leads me to my next problem...

4. I would be 35-36 and Hub near 40 before we even started trying. No, that's not so old if you conceive quickly right? But what are my chances of that? I mean, let's face it, then I'd not only be dealing with PCOS eggs, I'd be dealing with PCOS AMA eggs. And the problem was mostly me, but not entirely. Hub would be aging right along with me.

5. Along with 4, I have a huge mental block (and a fatigue problem that I know will get worse due to my medical conditions) about being an "older" parent. The age I was having E is good. I don't want to go any farther.

6. I never want to even create the chance to experience pregnancy loss again.

7. Two Words: Post Partum. It was so incredibly difficult for me, and I'm so the victim of my hormones, that I don't know that I ever want to do that again either... especially and try to be a Mom for E. I think it would be better the second time around, but what if it wasn't? What if the high blood pressure got worse? What if high blood pressure actually interfered with the pregnancy? It was a struggle to work to the end of my pregnancy as it was. What if I couldn't come back emotionally? Yes I know they are all "what-ifs," but not worth it for me right now.

Don't get me wrong. I am so incredibly grateful for this experience. It was worth every single hiccup, all the physical pain, all the emotional pain... everything. It was amazing. I would do ALL of it all over again even knowing what would happen if it meant the chance to be a mother period... if it meant the chance to bear one child and have him in our lives. It's worth it for that. But now we have it. We have him, and it's amazing. It's splendid. It's wonderful. As Jen and I say, "We've won." And I want to keep living it like that without the specter of infertility or other complications hanging over our heads. But this is all so very individual, so don't ever think I'm judging anyone else for their choices.

HOWEVER - note that I have not discussed what has been in my heart for years - the subject of adoption. It's still there; a little lump of love in my heart for children looking for their families. I see them, and I love them all. I think often how I'd like to have another child in our lives. I'd like E to have a brother or sister (right now it's brother because OH how enamored am I with boys now!). I'd like to grow our family. I'd like to adopt from the state system. It's something I've always wanted to do, and it negates so many of my previous concerns. But of course, it brings up so many new ones. Will it bring too much discord into our lives? Will the heartaches of adoption prove too much to handle? Are we good enough? Would our nurture outweigh the damage that's already been done? What if by nature we get a child with whom we can't connect? But for now, we wait until it's time to talk about it. And we'll be a happy family even if we don't travel that road. But all that is a post for another time... years away.