Big Day

Today I'm like one of those people on a Dateline special. Today I head downtown for a meeting sponsored by (one of my) mortgage companies to learn about possibilities of adjusting our mortgage. We received an invitation in the mail along with instructions on what to bring. I'm hoping that, like the special said, meeting in person with them will be far more effective than my hours on the phone being transferred from person to person. I know people often think we're idiots for being fooled into a balloon loan at 9.5% for our down payment part of the mortgage. But I'm here to tell you that it was pretty darn easy for a broker to pull a bait and switch that was supremely difficult to pull out of... especially for new home buyers with no lawyer (upon recommendation from trusted individuals). 


In any case, let's hope something good comes of it! In addition, I head to Endo today to see where we are. After 3 months of normal cycles, my body has fallen back off the wagon. I will also see how my blood lipid levels are going. I'm a tad afeared because I was horrible with my eating right before the draw. And when I say I'm ashamed of that, it's only because I know my body can't handle it, yet I do it anyway. My body can't handle much more than a smidgen of cheating, but I so love food. 


Lots of luck needed today! Send some my way!

PCOS, Hello Old Friend

I just had a 50 ish day cycle without any drugs. I'm pretty sure I even ovulated twice. Oh the miracles of not cycling for almost 2 years. My best cycles were 40 some days on Metformin. I don't expect this to last though. Although I haven't been eating perfectly, it hasn't been awful yet my cholesterol is the highest it's ever been (and my good cholesterol the lowest.) My triglycerides are high, my blood pressure is still not normal, and my testosterone is climbing. I expect to say hello to my good friend Met again sometime this year. It's not for the fact that we want to make more babies. It's for the fact that I want to be healthy. I hate the highs and lows, the crazy blood values and the shitty side effects of unchecked PCOS.

Ups and Downs

Wow. My hormones have me on the SheiKra* here. It seems somewhat food related, but I'm sure my lovely cycles have something to do with it as well. I'm also having trouble focusing, and this is bad news for my finals projects.

This is why I live in Florida people. I went outside to get the mail and the warmth, singing birds and bright sunshine were an instant balm. Another thing that helps? A small piece of dark chocolate eaten between two Kashi original seven grain crackers. It's surprisingly delicious and definitely mood enhancing.

*I have not yet ridden this coaster. While I love coasters, I don't know if my tummy could handle this one.

Distractions while I wait...

Don't quote me here, but I think, I think I may be largely done with my school project. (Dare I let out a little yay?) I'm sure I'll be tinkering with it until it's due, but man is that a load off. I'm such a damn perfectionist that these sorts of things are a brick on my chest until they're done.

So I hope to be sharing some recipes and photos as soon as I can. In the meantime, I'll share a new blog with you. Everyone loves a new blog right? This is actually a blogger I've known for quite a while, and his style is vastly different from mine. I remember him asking me for advice ages ago, and I was astonished because to me, he's obviously the superior writer.

This is not an infertility themed blog, but for those of you so long in this IF world that life starts to become interesting again (like me)*, or for those that need a break, check it out. It's delightfully done trivia and circumstance conversely written in complex style. It's Dog Chewed Opals.
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*Cycle day 24 - no ovulation, no signs of ovulation. Treatment MUST start again soon lest I lose my mind, and my non-advanced maternal age status.

You may note that I have stopped adding to my blog roll. I plan to eventually phase it out all together. It just doesn't serve a great purpose to me anymore. So don't feel hurt if I visit your blog often, but don't add you to the list.

Anxious

Hey. Just thought you should know that I hate my follicular phase. In my luteal phase, I have more confidence, a brighter complexion, and things are just better all around. But during my follicular, or non-follicular phase as the case may be, my skin breaks out more, my tummy is less enthused about Metformin, I don't sleep as well and am more fatigued, and lovely of lovelies, I'm more anxious. Anxious is always great during times of great change isn't it?

I just changed teams, so that's hard. I miss some of my coworkers and what I did there almost as if I've left my home. But it's getting more ok by the day. It would just be easier if I was in my confident, progesterone laden time. On top of that, what we knew was coming finally did. My company finally got to our department as far as lay-offs are concerned. Some pretty great people won't be coming back to work for us any time soon. Some of the lay-offs at least made some logistical sense - others - not so much. Some people I know will be fine. Others - I'm just hoping they had a back-up plan. We don't know because it was so sudden. No goodbyes.

I'm worried about Hub's job too. His boss seems confident that their company will be fine. I'm not so sure they won't feel delayed effects in the next few months. If something happens to his job, we're toast.

Ack. I love being a nervous nellie. The best part of it is that since this is FCiF we're talkin' about, I have probably another few weeks to look forward to this stuff. Aren't everyone's follicular phases a month long? No? Hmm. Must just be me.

It just keeps comin' round....

I'm staring down the barrel of another (just one more of so many I can't remember) round of Provera. I'll probably give it another week, just to give my body the chance, but my gyn doesn't like to let it go for more than 2 months without me bleeding, and I happen to agree with him. I'm definitely not feeling so great about this.

It's a crushing blow for me to go from ovulating on my own 2 cycles in a row on Metformin and even doing better each time, to going a cycle with no ovulation at all. I had hoped it would get even a little better before we'd have to go back to ARTs. I'm an achiever. It's just what I do. When I want something to happen in my life, I make it happen. Sadly, conceiving and giving birth to a baby just doesn't work that way no matter how many Hannah happy faces tell you it does. So no matter how deeply I know the truth that I have very little control in this situation, I still feel the dull thud of failure. I feel like I have failed - failed so many times I can't even count them anymore.

Part of the reason I'm more down about this than usual is that there has been another string of pregnancy announcements and births lately. Sometimes I'm prepared, and it's ok. Then sometimes someone I never suspected surprises me. It's always the surprise that kills ya. I always tell people I rarely cry in front of others except in cases where cruelty or great disappointment come as a shock. It's similar with the depression about this. I have lots of checks and balances in place, but they still need to be methodically implented. If I don't have time to throw up the defenses, things slip through the armor with much more sharpness.

I'm also so tired from being sick and run ragged the last week. How did Grandma say it? "Run hard and put up wet." Yup. That's it. I don't often have that pleased, satisfied tiredness anymore. Tiredness is often just another way for the sadness to slip in.

I don't want you to think I'm not a happy person. Overall, I am happy and so very grateful for the incredible blessings I've been given. I feel more human and fulfilled lately than I've felt since just before we started this horrible babymaking adventure. I can even see where I've learned some wonderful and valuable things through all of it. But I feel my "free time" coming to a close. We're going to have to make a decision about treatments again soon. I need to try very hard to conceive and carry a child. We can adopt, but there are many things blocking that for this moment. Treatment scares me though, because while I like my RE, the way they run the clinic there leaves me with a lack of confidence. What kind of RE only sees his patient for surgery, an insemination, retrieval or transfer? What's with the calling an automated hotline to get your protocol information?

And it's not just that. Will I go through the roller coaster I did before? Will it even work at all? Can we afford to do even one more cycle with IUI? Are we coming to the end?

Sorry for the downer. Have you ever felt you just needed to call a girlfriend and cry on her shoulder about this stuff? But then when you think about who to call, you come up empty? Sure, there may be plenty of amazing, kind hearted people who would be happy to lend their shoulder, but after so many years it's just so difficult to even convey. Not only that, but do you really want to be a downer to yet another friend yet another time? That's my thought stream. So I don't call. I blog. This blog is my girlfriend's shoulder. Jen sent me an interview... a wonderful, fun, light hearted interview that I can't wait to do. One of the questions asks a bit about my anonymity and this blog, and part of that answer is within this post. Without some anonymity, for me, this blog would take a space right next to all the regular friends I'd rather not bother, and it would never see these conflicted swirlings.

New Food and Old Whines

Time off with the Hub - it's sweet.

We had dinner last night at our favoritest Mexican place. YUM! I tried something I'd never had before - horchata! It was gritty, yet tasty. The intense spice of the cinnamon was a delicious foil for the sweet, milky looking drink. What a fun new find!

In other news - so much for having better and better ovulation. It's cycle day 25, with no ovulation in sight. Last time was cycle day 26. And of course now I'm berating myself about eating that sugar here, or not getting enough sleep there. I logically know it's impossible to live the nun-like existence it would take to be perfect for my reproductive system, but that doesn't stop me from mulling over my mistakes.

Update

I've been crappy - no Fun Food Fridays, irregular posting, rare commenting - I'm just not very into it lately huh? I am sorry for that, but at the same time, I'm not. I've been very distracted, but it's finally in a good way. We've had quite a few visitors to our home. I've spent lots of time with friends outside our home (Hello Jen!). We're very slowly starting renovations along with the regular demanding yard work, house work and work work. bleh. Hub and I are back in stride, which means a lot more time just hangin' out together. That's always my favorite thing to do. And Christmas is coming, which means more planning for presents and the like.

By the way, Halloween was also a welcome distraction with a few new fun decorations and a higher than usual amount of little witches and ghosties.

So I'll still be here when I need to be, but home and work come first so hang in there!

And now for the updates:

Thanks for coming out of the woodwork about the kitty!! Very very unfortunately, he escaped when Hub had to open the back garage door the other day. According to Hub, he took off like a rocket and wouldn't come back. Perhaps that's why he's homeless in the first place? And even worse, he had a visit set up with a very nice lady for the next day who would have made a fabulous Mom. Darn cat. We're still keeping an eye out for him just in case. He had started to fatten up and seemed to be feeling good, but he was still stick skinny.

I'm still waiting to hear about school, and still open to low interest suggestions on how to pay for it up front until work reimburses me. (which I hope they'll do considering the economic climate). I'm also finally into a new cycle and nearing what should be the middle of it. Will I ovulate finally on Met? My hunch says no, but hey, wouldn't it be awesome if I did? At this point, I can't wait for my check up so that we can do the bloodwork and decide to stick with it or not. argh.

A new Filipino grocery opened up about a mile from our home!!! WOO HOO!! Lots of sinigang, palabok, puto, kutsinta, pan de sal, ensaymada, silver swan soy sauce, Lily peanut butter and more for us!!!!

FCiF out after that disjointed update.

Darkness Here We Come

I seem to have burrowed into a difficult little hole for the time being. I'm not sure why it happened. It could be that I'm nearing the end of my Provera run and AF is due. It could be that I've turned another year older and another dreaded year closer to "advanced maternal age." It could be that Hub has seemed down, and I can't help but worry that he feels that tick-tock as well. But you know what? I'm tired of trying to figure myself out so I can deal better. I'm tired of dealing period. I don't want to deal, I want to DO. But here I am as always.... waiting. I keep thinking about what we'll do if the Met doesn't jog my ovaries into gear. Do I go to the TCM practitioner as I was thinking? Can we even afford THAT? Of course, questions on affording that make it quite clear that there is very little chance too many more stimulated IUIs (if any) are in our future, and even less chance that IVF is. (Yes, in my desperation I've even begun to consider it despite my horrible drug reactions.)

I just read our annual enrollment for health insurance. I had been thinking about moving up a plan for better IF coverage. But guess what! Come on.. Guess! If you guessed that they have drastically reduced said coverage even on that plan, then you win the prize!!! (The prize is my sarcasm. We don't have moolah. Didn't I just say that?)

I'm so incredibly exhausted lately. I feel myself teetering on the edge of giddy one minute and anger the next. Then, for no reason that I can quite discern, my eyes will start leaking. WTF?? I'm sure part of it is hormonal, but I know part of it is also my desperation. Maybe I'll say screw it, stay on the Met, and give my favorite drug Clomid one more shot. Now, Clomid makes me want to rip out my ovaries, stomp on them and then punch the next person I see in the face, but I will try it one more time if it gives me more answers and one more shot. We can afford Clomid.

If you've started to wonder if this is a stream of consciousness rant, then I'm guessing the answer is yes. I just needed my outlet. I haven't needed the blog for this in quite a while, but I'm glad it's here. It's much better than punching my pillow and mumbling to myself. Bring on the Crazy!

I also meant to note that for a few weeks before the Provera, I had this awful ache in my left side near my ovary. I couldn't tell if it was my ovary for sure, so I waited a while. Funny thing is, it went away completely and suddenly after my third day of Progesterone. A lovely cyst perhaps? What was Miss Lefty thinking? She knows she's not the achiever of the two.


P.S. Very delayed Happy Thanksgiving to Canada!

Birthday Burblings

Thanks for the birthday wishes! I have to say, Babychaser's cracked me up. I got Sleeping Beauty on DVD. Oh what I wouldn't give for one of Eyvind Earle's prints. His art makes me all squooshy inside. It makes me dream and sigh. Why does he have to be so darn popular, expensive and very unavailable to create more art??

I also got some other darling presents in which I will be prancing all around since it's been ages since I bought new wearables for myself. (The flowered bikini bottom doesn't count since I can't wear that to lunch.) Hub and I frolicked at a food festival as well. My other present from him was to go birding at a particularly gorgeous beach where I saw my first American oystercatchers and saw a black skimmer fishing for the first time. I could have walked that beach for hours it was so otherworldly gorgeous.

I'm also sick of myself. I'm not sleeping well. Aches and pains are sprouting up all over... all the things that happen as a cycle goes on too long. I gave in. I popped my first Provera this cycle. (Isn't it odd to call it a "cycle" when nothing's actually happening?)

Cycle Day 52

No ovulation that I can discern. No AF. Trying to let my body figure it out, but worrying all the while about that lining getting thicker and thicker...

My birthday is coming. A working body would have been a nice present. Note that I've long been done with thinking about how a pregnancy would be nice for my "next birthday." The silver hairs are popping up more often now. Time just keeps ticking.

Lazy Days

I finally got my lazy beach day! I can't normally stand the direct sun on the beach for more than an hour or so, but last year I bought an umbrella. That thing is a God send! Hallelujah! We were able to soak up the perfect weather and doze under the beautiful blue sky for about four hours. I can't emphasize enough the importance of an umbrella when visiting a Florida beach.

I have a lot of things planned for the next few weekends. As a result, I don't know how much blogging I'll be doing. Right now I'm somewhere in the late 30's in my cycle (who keeps track after a while?) and I've had 6 straight days of the same temp. Loverly.

Thanks so much for the great comments on my previous post. I will reply per the usual.
xo
FCiF

Ah Whatever

Ya know... the stuff I've been reading about Metformin is really starting to get to me. I read studies that say it does help. I read studies that say it doesn't help. I read studies that say it helps for a little while and then stops. Then I read accounts and admonishments that you have to follow a very strict routine, otherwise it's not effective. And on top of all that, I read that it's never as effective as improvements in diet and exercise.

You know what sucks though? There is very little on how it affects thin women with PCOS. I'm very tired of hearing how if I would just improve my diet and exercise more, then I wouldn't need any meds. Bullshit*. Let me tell you how my life goes. I go to work where I walk somewhere around 5 to 7 miles in a day depending on my duties for the day. I lift heavy things and sometimes suffer repetitive stress injuries from lots of physical activity. On top of that, the Hub and I try to be active on our weekends, and I eat healthier than almost everyone in my immediate circle. I eat healthy enough in fact that it's often difficult for me to go to someone else's house and have enough to eat or to not offend them with my restrictions. Has that helped my cycles? Not enough.

So I'm not reading anymore. I invite and welcome tips from readers, but I'm done with research. I'm not capable of the completely strict routine due to the nature of my job, my life and just MY nature. So if that makes me fail, then so be it. I have to be a happy human being sometimes. The one thing I read that really did help me is that it can take 4 to 6 months for cycles to normalize on Met. Since I'm on cycle day 24 with no ovulation and no fertile signs at all, I imagine it could take me that long. God knows I'm worried that it will go like it did last time and I will never ovulate while on this drug. Last time I didn't even O with gonadotropins while on this drug. (very very unusual for me. I tend to be the classic thin pcos super over responder to ovulation induction)

But I will try to be patient. I'll give this a chance. If it doesn't work, then it's on to Chinese medicine and a "what will be will be" mentality. I may do another IUI at some point, but at this time, I can't shake the feeling that nothing's going to work while I'm so out of balance hormonally. I don't have unlimited resources to just keep trying until it does.**

But until then, let's see what Met has done for me hmm?

The Good: Clearer skin, fewer hunger "crashes" and less jittery hunger feelings, not as many emotional highs and lows

The Bad: Crap interest in usually fun bedroom activities, random stomach upset, complete disgust at the thought of eating protein (never been a protein gal, but now it's worse), major sugar cravings, many flatline temps on my bbt (never a good thing historically), fatigue.

I'll keep documenting this, and we'll hope that the balance shifts.

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*I have a sneaking suspicion that MANY women feel this way regardless of their weight status. Weight seems to be a cop out. Now that I'm thinner, I've even gotten comments that maybe a little weight gain could only help. Excuse me while I cough "bullshit" into my hand once again.

**Even though I had a dream the other night that I got a job that came with a pleasant surprise - full fertility benefits! Aaah the fantasy life.

He Really Loves Me!

Hey there. Feeling a little crampy, crabby, achy. I sure hope this means that AF is on her way so I can get this cycle over with. I'm on my sixth day of Provera, and my doctor's appointments are next week. I'm also dreading going back to work. How crappy is that? I'm hoping to find some sort of relief from that soon.

In the meantime, I can distract myself with thoughts of our upcoming anniversary. Hub tells me wonderful things often, but he rarely links a song to our relationship, or gets all doe-eyed at a movie. That's why, when he told me that he really liked this song because it made him think of me, and when he actually even played it for me, I was completely tickled. It's called "My Best Friend" by Weezer. (Love that Weezer)

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
with the one thing that brings light to all my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
'Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
Yes I do...
Yes I do

Must Be Brief

• Weather - Hades
• Work - Don't even ask
• Cycle - CD 58 & Nothing (Provera starting tonight)
• Hub - my lifeline at the moment

Otherwise - must.... finish.... Breaking Dawn..... sooooooooo addicted.... help!

Saint Ange

I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams lately (largely due to work), and the fertility related ones have crept back up on me since it's been on my mind. The night before last, my dream self was bemoaning my lack of baby when I suddenly looked down and realized that I was 4 months pregnant! I had forgotten! Silly ole me. I remember marveling that I was already so large at 4 mos along, and how I could forget that I was pregnant so easily.

Last night's dream was the good one. We became good friends with A.ngelina Jo.lie and Br.ad Pit.t. We helped watch their babies, and they felt badly for us that we didn't have any of our own. BUT - being the kind souls that they are, they offered to gives us a baby if we didn't have one by the end of the year. Wasn't that sweet of them? Ah the world of Barb's dreams...

As I mentioned, work has been quite stressful. To add to the problems, I've been pooped, and my emotional stability is highly questionable. I would like this cycle to resolve itself before I have to resort to Provera. I'm now on cycle day 50-something. I keep fooling myself that maybe I will get sorted out, so I keep waiting. However, the longer I wait, the more vindictive AF is going to be. Maybe after the blood letting tomorrow....

Pre-Doctor's Visit (& no baby) Angst

The BBT charting software I'm using seems to think I ovulated a little over a week ago (somewhere in the 40's as far as cycle days go). I happen to think it's incorrect, or that it's one hell of a piss-poor ovulation. Let's say it is correct. I'm still not ovulating until well into anywhere from cycle day 20 something up to cycle day 40 something... if at all.

What. The. Hell. is WRONG WITH ME?**

I'm just gearing up for my endo visit soon and thinking about how doctor after doctor (minus the TCM practitioner who thought I was a mess) says over and over again that I'm just the picture of health and should have a baby in no time. They are all so puzzled by my apparent rosy cheeked splendor in the face of all that is wrong with my reproductive system. All I can figure is that my "normal" blood level ranges are much smaller than others' for a healthy system. For example, my TSH levels had to get down to 1.33 before I felt more like a "normal" person. Get them up anywhere around 3-5, and I am not a happy camper. Maybe it's the same with other ranges? So just for shits and giggles, (I sure am swearing a lot in this one!) I decided to let you know some of my ranges. Peruse them oh wise Dr. Googlers and armchair diagnostic fiends. If you have any crazy ideas, throw 'em my way. Then I can ask the endo when I get in there what she thinks. I certainly don't know what to think anymore. I'm tired.

(I'm only including those that either I think could have something to do with it or that I have no idea if it does have anything to do with it.)
Glucose - 95 mg/dL
Urea nitrogen - 11 mg/dL
creatinine - .64 mg/dL
sodium - 140 mmol/L
potassium - 4.2 mmol/L
chloride - 102 mmol/L
CO2 - 26 mmol/L
Calcium - 9.9 mg/dL
protein - 7.0 g/dL
bilirubin - .6 mg/dL

Free T-4 - 1.5 ng/dL

C-Peptide - 1.5 ng/mL

DHEA sulfate - 105 mcg/dL

insulin - 5 uIU/mL

prolactin - 16.2 ng/mL

Testosterone (total) - 33 ng/dL
Testosterone (free %) - 1.24%
Free testosterone - 4.1 pg/mL

**Obviously I'm aware that I have (possibly) PCOS and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. What I'd like to know is why my reproductive system is still crap when all signs point to the idea that I should at least be ovulating better since the Hashi's is under control and the PCOS is apparently "mild."

An Addendum to the Conundrum

Wow. I've already gotten several amazing responses. Keep them coming if you feel you have something to say! I tend to have "conversations" within the comments, so check back if you wanted me to answer something that I missed.

I just wanted to tack on some notes to the below novel. I really wouldn't mind at least talking to another RE, but I've already been to the 2 that are accessible to me. If you live in Florida and have an RE you absolutely love, feel free to leave his or her name in the comments. You can put it in anonymously if you don't want anyone to know where you are. The only thing I'm concerned about with that is that I've been through a family doctor, a previous obgyn, 2 more obgyns here, 2 RE's and an endocrinologist. They all seem really eager to help me, but then once they see my blood levels and such, they get really confused as to why I have such reproductive problems and either give up on me or push IVF. Some of them never give up, but just keep parroting that I am "really healthy and there's no reason you won't get pregnant soon!" Obviously that's a load of pucky. My endo is still working with me, but her next plan is metformin (glucophage), and I'm very leery of that considering the only time I went on it, I stopped ovulating even on meds.

The reason I think TCM may actually help me is that my cycles seem to go wacky at any change. For example, I've recently fallen off my healthy eating bandwagon and along with the traveling and my getting sick, that coincides with my cycles getting all wonky again. I chart, and during all that time, my temps are all over the place. However, now that I've settled back down again and started to try to eat healthier, they're stabilizing. BUT - they're stabilizing at really really low temps, which usually means nothing good for my body. That's what I like about charting. I do see some evidence of what's going on in there after doing it so long and evidence of what looks like normal for me.
So if little things like that can affect my cycle so crazily... perhaps herbs will too. Vitamins and supplements seem to help me a lot too, so why not herbs? At least herbs in the hands of a very skilled practitioner, and I do believe Dr. L is. The only other woman I know who went to her had no pregnancy after years of trying with western medicine. She gave up on it because it was too expensive and she was tired, and just kept on with some herbs. Months later, she was pregnant. The problem with that is that it could be purely coincidental but oh well.

I'm also really beginning to think that that one wacky cycle I had before I stopped ovulating again recently might have been a chemical pregnancy. My luteal phase was overly long, and I had every symptom I had with my last chemical pregnancy... including the really really awful period following. If it was, I'm obviously still messed up even though I ovulated on my own. I'm also starting to wonder if it's possible that I'm IR since you can't find that on regular tests. There's SOMETHING else wrong with me. I suspect it's hormonal, but how to know?

So there's more info for ya. Have a field day. :)

A Conundrum - Your two cents

When I first began fertility treatments, I was intrigued by Chinese medicine - mostly because I hated the emotional and physical pain and the frustration surrounding Western treatments. Through RE#1, I was introduced to my TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) practitioner. She was kind, helpful and thorough. She cared about my whole body health. I counted myself lucky when any of my Western doctors managed to get even one of those right. However, I didn't have the money to continue with the program, and I was also getting very impatient. Lots of things happened between changing RE's and the mixing of Eastern and Western medicine that caused me to give up TCM at the time.

When she sensed she was losing me, Dr. L. started to get very worried. She felt I was very out of balance and that Western medicine alone would not do the trick. She stated the belief that it was unlikely I would conceive, but that if I did, it probably would not be viable for long. Here I am, a year later, lots of dollars more broke, emotionally exhausted, and that's exactly what happened. Last cycle, it's doubtful that I ovulated, but at least AF came at a normal time. I am currently on cycle day 41 with no ovulation or AF in sight, my anxiety is getting worse again, and I feel "out of balance" like I did before. My Western medicine doctors (including my wonderful endo) are all at a loss. Every one of them had previously stated that I should be pregnant (successfully) in no time and that I was in prime health other than my few "small" problems. My Hashimoto's wasn't terrible they said, and my PCOS was mild if even a full syndrome. At some point though, when nothing works, almost every doctor seems to lose faith in their ability to "fix" my problems and gives up on me. The next logical move to them is IVF. But why would that be any different when they are all continually confounded by this seemingly "mostly healthy" specimen's inability to even ovulate correctly? I'm glad I went to Western medicine long enough to get my diagnoses and treatment for hypothyroid. But why is there suddenly another brick wall in my way? The answer seems simple to me. They're missing something. Is this a something that TCM could help?

So now we come to my conundrum and your part in it. I have lost that dreamy, happy, "free of treatments" dreamworld. I relaxed. I found myself again. Now I'm ready to give it another go. Hubs and I had some serious talks about what we want. I think he's ready for adoption only if I'm ready for it. And we both concluded that I am not ready yet. I need to see this through. I desperately want to grow a child in my womb, and I'm pretty sure DH really wants to be a part of that process as well. Therefore, we must make a decision. Do we go back to Western medicine or Eastern?

DH's parents may help us with costs, but even with help, we probably only have one shot at a Western medicine assisted IUI at a time with long breaks in between to build up our financial stores. Furthermore , my last (supremely unsuccessful) IUI was done with Femara, gonal-f and ovidrel. I'm pretty sure RE is going to just want to jump right in where he left off with pushing much more injectibles without finding out why I stopped ovulating on meds and probably strongly arguing the case for IVF. IVF is just not an option for us. It's not. I don't know if I could handle it anyway, but the point is moot since it's so financially out of reach, he may as well try to get us to force flying primates out of our nether regions (to nicely quote a favorite SNL skit).

But - there is the fact that with Western medicine, you know exactly where you stand without the guesswork. And if there is a problem with me killing off all of DH's sperm, as I suspect there is due to the fact that I have such a short period of good, fertile CM, then an IUI takes care of that.

On the flip side, with TCM, I will feel comfortable again. No more miserable side effects. No more needles - not even acupuncture because we could only afford herbs. Maybe Dr. L could figure out why I'm still all "unbalanced" and work to fix it. Maybe I would see some results and a healthier me. Maybe I could get this crap under control and actually get pregnant. Also, the herbs are affordable enough that if she does get me ovulating again, we have multiple cracks at conceiving rather than just one every 5 or 6 months.

The drawback to the TCM is that I have to be patient, and I am really miserable at that. Can I wait it out long enough to even see if it makes a difference to me? I'm also on the fence as to how effective I really believe it is. Sometimes I'm very optimistic about it. Sometimes I believe it's just wishful thinking. And if I spend months and months trying to make it work, that's months more than I've lost. But on the flip side, we're kinda stuck right now anyway due to hitting our insurance limit (oooh 3 IUI's. Thank you ever so much generous corporate entity), and having no cash.

It's obvious that I'm leaning toward the TCM. But every other hour, I second guess my decision and fret about it all over again. Can you weigh in with what you think about my situation? Feel free to deal out the assvice in spades here. Just don't tell me to fix something that I can't, or suggest that maybe God "has a plan for me" ok? Tell me your experiences. Relate that article that you read. Tell me how you think I'll feel. I just need some help here. And believe me, you won't even offend me if you've never even experienced infertility. I'm looking for advice from all corners. (H - I'm thinkin' of you here! Would love input from that big brain of yours!)

Signing off and looking forward to your responses and our ttc journey starting up again.

Excuses, Excuses

I fear I am going to be very distracted for the next few weeks. Please don't take it personally if I don't visit my usual haunts for a while. My Aunt had a massive heart attack the other day, and with complications from it, she's still not out of the woods. That is taking up a lot of my thoughts.

Secondly, Hub's passport came through, and we leave for Europe next week. We'll be there for about a week. I'm running around like a crazy woman to get everything arranged. I'm very excited, but very nervous about this first overseas trip and worried about something happening with my Aunt while we're gone.

Last (and definitely least), I'm on cycle day 24 and am spotting. I have not ovulated, nor should I be seeing AF yet. Odd. Take care, and I'll be updating when I can. Thanks once again for your continuing and wonderful support on my "Hashing Part 3" post. It really is a help.