Sometimes Infertility Awareness Hits those who Don't Even NEED it.

So if you've been following, you'll see that a few posts down, I introduced my sister and her new blog. This was her first exposure to my blog, and it took me a lot of gearing up to do that. Part of it is because I didn't want her to feel some of what she expressed in this beautiful letter to me. However, I do appreciate her sweetness. As Jen has said, "You didn't NEED a lesson!" So true that the people who really should learn so often don't, while the ones who are already wonderful, continue to try to grow from their experiences. 

I received this email after she read this post from all the way back in 2007:

Hey!  I browsed through your blog a little bit.  I really only looked at 2007.  I saw a post on there that about made me cry.  And I wanted to apologize, for not thinking of your feelings then.  It was the one about buying a pink dress for your baby.  I never even stopped to think how that could make you feel you know.  Its just an assumption that one has, that everyone has babies, no one stops to think of the problems that one could have in the process. And thats the way I thought of it then.  But now knowing that you felt sad because you thought you couldnt give your nephew a cousin, makes me sad, because I feel like I added pressure to you in a sense.  So I just wanted to apologize for not realizing how that must have made you feel.   Im so happy that everything you had to go through you ended up with an amazing outcome.  I love you and your little man!! 

P.S. She thought about my feelings in regard to that all the time!

Sometimes I'm Embarrassed for Us

Good grief. What are we, EIGHT? This does not bode well for our hopes of better IF and womens' issues education in government. Please read on to see just why it's so ridiculous.

Florida Democrat chastized for using word "uterus" on house floor.

All About Moi

I have to say that I've been feeling damn good. My hormones seem fairly stable. I've been getting decent sleep. My work situation has improved drastically after getting away from the person we've discussed before. Hub is not overly busy, and we've been connecting well, and I've finally been able to put my acquaintances and friends in their properly labeled little categories in my brain. This reduces MUCH stress for me. I'm also finding the physical me again! I have energy, and I'm learning that I'm really not a lazy slug. It was just pregnancy and new motherhood that did that to me. I really did and do like being active. I just tire more quickly than the average bear per the usual.

What's more, I'm even finding my interests and hobbies again. Tomorrow I go to talk with a woman who will be my new riding instructor! I am over the moon about this. Riding is therapy for me. It's the only thing I've ever done (other than birth, and that's not something I want to do regularly) where I could focus completely on the task at hand. It clears my mind, it strengthens my body, and it feeds my soul. I rode regularly when we lived up north, but it's expensive and hard to find a good instructor down here. Oh I so can't wait.

Today I had an added bonus surprise. I was reading My Life After Loss and noticed that she had been mentioned on a nursing blog as an excellent blog for infertility support. Now, I like knowing famous people. It gives me a thrill to see their names or blogs on lists, so I clicked over to see hers and to see if I knew anyone else there. Well if I didn't get the shock of all shocks. My blog was listed there as well! The only thing is that I'm listed under IVF, and we have never done IVF. E was also not conceived with any ARTs at all. In my case, my body seems to have difficulty with the delicate balance that is our endocrine system and doesn't respond in very positive way to all those drugs. I ended up (with a large dose of luck) conceiving him after balancing my body. My thyroid was in check with Synthroid, and my PCOS was in check with Metformin. Though don't get me wrong. We did our fair share of Clomid and Femara rounds, procedures, alternative therapies and IUIs.

On a side note; what does it say about me that after the first thrill, my second feeling was guilt that I haven't been writing as well or as often as I used to? Oh those therapy sessions only go so far my friend. I do believe I'll always be battling some of that self esteem crap. My third thought though was, "Whoa. Someone else listed me as having a son. Awesome."

Go check it out! You may even be on the list!

Brain... in... over..load... - Better now

I finished my homework that was assigned from last week! WOO HOO! My brain hurts a bit, but it's ok. I think I'll be fine. I also got to hang with some of my girl posse this weekend. That's a welcome break. Now I need to do some extra work stuff, work on two presentations that are due on Thursday, prepare for some interviews and clean the house before visitors arrive Friday! Piece of cake right?

For your educational edification: This month is National Thyroid Awareness Month. Far too few women are treated the correct way for their thyroid problems. I was one of those women for 6 years, and my Mom was one of them for 10. There is way too much occurrence and information on this disease for that to be the case. If you think you may have a thyroid problem, educate yourself. It's not just looking for a throat lump like some doctors would have you think. Then be your best health proponent. The doctors had me thinking I was crazy for 6 years, and after a while I gave up. FINALLY, I got the right info and managed to find a doctor willing to listen. I can't even tell you how much better my life became after that. It not only affects your health, but your fertility as well.

And in huge news, it's inauguration day! I'm very excited to hear the speech. I'm slightly jealous of relatives near DC, though I don't think I would ever brave the throngs to head there. Best wishes all.

A Wonderful Link....

Julie at A Little Pregnant posted this link recently when discussing a recent Jennifer Lopez interview. (I wholeheartedly agree with her by the way.. as usual) It's a very well written article about Emma Thompson's struggle to conceive, and Emma is just as articulate and lovely as usual. Love it.

P.S. Easter Overload - can't.stop.eating.chocolate.... H.E.L.P! (especially the Lindt eggs with the vanilla filling. aargheeermhmph)

Unsung Lullabies: Dealing with the World

This one is CHOCK FULL, so be prepared......In this, Chapter 9 of Unsung Lullabies, the authors discuss how we can still be citizens of the world and not let our grief over infertility destroy us. They reiterate much of what they said in earlier chapters about the crazy emotions involved. In short, it's OK to feel this way. You are not abnormal. You can choose to protect yourself and should if needed. The only thing is to make sure you manage it to the point that you can still live your life successfully. I swear, sometimes I think this book is one giant validation tool for me. I know all these things logically, but to have it repeated over and over by professionals for me to read? Priceless. I'm too much of a pleaser, and it's been painful to realize that when going through some tough stuff, pleasers don't make it if they don't ease up. It's been a really valuable lesson for all aspects of my life.

The rest of the chapter goes into ways you can successfully deal with your feelings and the world around you. One method is called, "self-talk." First of all, you accept and validate your hurt feelings over questions that sting because of infertility. But secondly, you give yourself a little mental pep-talk. The point is to keep infertility in perspective when viewed through the large window that is your life. An example from the book involved "Monique" who encountered a room full of mothers when she least expected it....

...right now I feel completely out of place. All these other women seem like they've got it all, and I don't. But that's only because they have kids and I don't. At least not yet. Here's what I do have: I'm attractive, athletic, smart...I've got a job that I am good at, a wonderful husband who is my best friend...and I'm being creative by learning how to make desserts tonight.

The next step, responding to stinging remarks, was somewhat addressed in the previous chapter. Basically, brainstorm ahead of time on how you'd like to respond to the most painful questions. They go on to say that some remarks go beyond unintentionally hurtful and move right on into grossly insensitive. I loved this description. Somehow, it just made me feel so vindicated in hating how some people respond when I answer their questions about my infertility. In fact, they use the "just relax" comment as one of their "grossly insensitive" remarks. THANK YOU! The reason they say this is because it really does imply that infertility is all in your head or your nervous system, and therefore, is your fault. They also include the, "my so and so decided to adopt, and BOOM, they got pregnant." aaaaargh. To these comments, the authors suggest that you don't even have to reply if you feel so inclined. Most likely though, they are trying to be nice, so you can grit your teeth, count to five and respond politely but firmly. I know that I have now often resorted to the "I don't want to talk about that right now" response when faced with a remark that has me simmering in anger. The authors also mention venting after the affect and its therapeutic qualities. Man do I EVER use that one.

The next subject, talking about loss, falls much into the same category as the stinging remarks. Be prepared ahead of time. The authors note that most people would just like a simple, "I'm sorry," and for others to respect and acknowledge their loss. But it is true that people have a hard enough time responding to a loss they understand, let alone something like miscarriage or IF.

Deciding to tell your family or not about your treatments and/or asking them for financial help is another sticky situation. Basically, it depends on all parties involved. One thing that may help though is imagining how your parents feel about the IF and remember that this is part of their reproductive story as well.

Dealing with friends can be an even harder situation. I don't think I know any infertile woman who hasn't dealt with some problem in friendships because of IF. There is such a push/pull involved when people you love are having babies and you aren't. There's such a complex mix of, "I'm happy but I'm not!" that makes it quite difficult for the psyche and for the relationship. The guilt that comes from this mix of reactions is even more damaging. The book notes that you may want to try opening up to your closest friends. You may get support you never imagined. On the other hand, I know from personal experience that it's a hard fall if they don't "get it." I like how the authors said it best. "It can feel like a betrayal when you confide in someone, only to have your friend change the subject, or worse, talk about someone else who just got pregnant." The worst part for me is that while I am feeling completely demoralized, they are just as completely unaware of what they've done to me. Reactions like these have caused me to weigh my friendships much more carefully. This, I'm happy to report, is exactly what you need to do with friendships in this instance.

Work can be a complex mesh of friendships and professional problems. Work can just be completely difficult when going through treatments. Many times I wished I could take leave to do them. I think it's summed up quite nicely with one sentence. "...be prepared to tell people she would rather not talk about it, but recognize she cannot control how others think and feel about her." Difficult for me. Again, venting is awesome. Just make sure to vent to someone who "gets it."

When all this gets to be too much, be on the lookout for signs of clinical depression. Some warning signs according to the good doctors:

• crying all the time (not just sometimes)
• being unable to get out of bed (more than occasionally)
• being unable to concentrate (not just now and then)
• having suicidal ideas (even if no plan)

Speaking from experience, support groups (online or off) can be a wonderful help. They have helped me immeasurably in all the ways the book suggests. Before them, I felt so alone. Isolation was a cold dark place, and I hated it. Now I have a wonderful sense of belonging and a place of perpetual validation. Can I also add that blogging helps even more? The book notes that giving voice to your feelings helps most people. This blog has done that for me along with having others with which to work it out. Having said that, there are also pitfalls to certain support groups. One is how to react when members get pregnant. In my groups, I think we've handled this quite beautifully, but it helped that a few women (you know who you are ladies :) helped lay the ground rules for how we would handle announcements, belonging etc. That let everyone maintain a public structure for how to deal even if inside they were torn apart.

Secondly, be aware of the vast amount of information and misinformation on the internet. There are a lot of people spouting ridiculous crap out there. Try to inform yourself, or talk to your doctor so that you are prepared to sort through it.

And finally, pace yourself when web searching and posting to bulletin boards. You can definitely lose your perspective and become completely engrossed in that world to the detriment of your "real life." The book notes that setting a time limit can be helpful.

Therapy, like support groups, can provide another avenue for validation and understanding of your feelings. Theoretically, therapy provides an unbiased, professional arena for working through your problems. Beware though; good therapists are hard to find, and ones specializing in infertility are even more rare. Do your research thoroughly before settling on one, and try to find one familiar with the ins and outs of infertility.

I love how this chapter is wrapped up. It notes that although infertility is a life-altering event; you are coping even if it doesn't feel like it. They say that, "the world no longer feels like such a welcoming place," and I think you can see that I've felt that throughout my blog. They go on to say, "never forget the power of your sense of humor," and that "letting yourself laugh is as important as letting yourself cry." Love it.

Move on to: Dealing

Working Through It

Updated at bottom for Unsung Lullabies post link!

Before I get into it, can you see why I want a baby with that man? Thanks so much for your sweet replies to him everyone. It's a big deal for him to have done that, so I'm so happy to see such a welcoming response from all of you.

I've been pretty mum about the whole Tyra Banks show fiasco but have been meaning to talk about it at some point. Originally I was going to wait until the show aired, but after I saw the nasty bait and switch that occurred, I don't even want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Basically, what happened was that the show put out a request to some infertility support organizations to see if people would be willing to share their stories. However, on the show website, the call for guests was posted in a very different, very sensationalized manner, and the show appears to have been taped in the latter style. In my opinion, it was an unconscionable decision. I can't imagine they would call other chronically ill people to their show merely for ratings (or maybe they would?), but in any case, the many diseases and issues behind infertility deserve more respect than to be mocked on national TV. For a complete rundown on what happened, see this post at BlogHer.

OK, enough about Tyra. I've been ordering more and more info on adoption. We still both think we'll do state adoption, but the lure of the open newborn adoption is very strong. Most of the fuzzy, warm stories you see on TV are about private domestic adoption, and so many people are eager to share with you why state adoption can just be so bad (not that I think that's necessarily a completely accurate portrayal.) As a result, we are still fairly torn on what we'll do eventually. On top of that, the hope of conceiving is still very much alive and strong in both of us. We won't completely give up that hope if we adopt, but at the same time, I think we are currently at the point where it will interfere with us moving forward enough to go through adoption with happy hearts.

Therefore, we have to take this in baby steps and work through it as best we can. One thing that I have meant to do for a long time is to read the book Unsung Lullabies. Time and time again, others refer to it as a book that has has helped them to understand their feelings regarding infertility, and as one that has helped them to move on. The author of Living a New Life with Infertility has thoughtfully offered to run a blog ring reading group of sorts for this book. We will read it in sections and then post our observations at the end of each week. At the bottom of the review post will be a link to the next blog on the list for discussion. I'm very excited to read it with all these other wonderful people, and hope that doing so will help illuminate what I need to learn that much better. If you're interested, please read along.

Move on to the next post: Assessment of Myself at Living a New Life with Infertility.

A Great Article

Finally! There's an article that reports on the infertility world with straight forward reporting, few mistakes and no snarky remarks! Mel at Stirrup Queens posted a link to this article at the Globe and Mail. Check it out! Many of our near and dear are mentioned.


P.S. In case you wondered.. still no sign of ovulation.

The Clinical Endocrinologist

Pretty imaginative title eh? I didn't feel like thinking up something witty.

So I went to the clinical endocrinologist (CE) yesterday. That's different from the RE in that they treat all sorts of endocrine issues whether or not the person is trying to conceive. It was a nice office with nice people, but considering their multiple and dire warnings about what would happen if I were late, it took quite a long time to see the doctor. They were about an hour late.

Anywho, the doctor was very very nice, and very on top of treatment options and the newest research for pcos and hypothyroid. Despite RE's vague protests to the contrary, she confirmed that I did indeed have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. This further proves my hypothesis that my doctor has no idea who I am from one visit or question to the next. (He had said something like it wasn't Hashi's because your tsh has to be high for that and mine's low and other ramblings. btw.. mine is high) I'm SO jealous of all you who actually get to e-mail questions to your docs!!

The CE told me that there was nothing I could do to lower my antibodies, but that it only increased my risk of miscarriage by a little. Now, how much pcos raises the risk when added to the mix, I didn't ask. She's going to run another TSH/Free T-4 panel and a baseline ultrasound (though she thinks I don't really need it) in 2 wks. Then she'll reevaluate my treatment and see me again in 2 mos. I have to say, it's very reassuring to have someone who knows something about this problem taking care of me even after my ttc is over. I was very worried about that. And she seems to really treat the problem based on bloodwork AND symptoms. Unique idea, that.

Oh, and as far as the usage of glucophage to treat pcos, she agrees with RE in that they used to use it for every pcos patient, and it was the golden pill. However, she also agrees that the research now is a little murky as to how much it helps, and what the particulars are. I'm always so impressed with RE's interest in staying current, so it was nice to see that she agreed with him.

To learn more about the debate over "normal" TSH ranges, click here: The TSH Normal Range: Why is there Still Controversy?

O.prah also apparently "came out" about her thyroid problems recently. I didn't see the show, so have no idea whether I would have liked what she said or not. If anyone did and wants to weigh in, please leave some comments! I am glad of the increased awareness she brings however. The expert she had on that show has a very interesting website. Some of her mystical, "girls are repressed, so they get sick" stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but her science based information is very interesting.

I'm almost as passionate about this information as I am about the complete infertility piece, so bless you if you had the patience to read this far. ;-)

In other news, I took my first Provera tonight! In about 3 weeks, we'll be on the way to a new IUI cycle! I'm both excited and completely freaked. The failures are really starting to kill me each time. I hope I don't go through the depression/anger phase I went through on the last cycle that didn't work.

More IF Coverage! Let's keep it going!

I had a lot of mixed emotions about the recent Oprah IF based show. I tossed around the idea of writing a piece on it for a while, but I so completely agree with Julie at A Little Pregnant that I've decided to link to her blog to show my support.

Besides, I will never match her ease and skill with words, so reading it on her blog will be much more fun.