On the Second Child

WARNING: Lots of frank discussion on my experiences with pregnancy and thoughts about second children. Feeling sensitive? Might want to skip it.

Note: This post from 2008 still has a lot of relevance to my decisions today. How interesting it was to see the pre-baby me again.

The topic of a second child is on my mind at least once a day. I'm thinking about whether we should add to our family, the way in which we should add to our family, why we've made some of the decisions we have already made regarding that possibility and/or how I'd like to blog about it. I've made mention that I wanted to discuss this before, and I'm just finally getting around to it. This topic takes a long time to brew before it can really be served up for others. Even now I know that time and circumstances are going to change some of our thoughts for sure. But I feel that I'm ready to share where we are at this time.

As far as a third pregnancy, (you'll remember that my first via Femara/iui didn't last so long) both of us pretty firmly agree that there won't be one that we've planned. There won't even be one by surprise unless we seriously mess up (and my body happens to be cooperating.) Hub is a little more firm in this stance than I am, as my motherly hormones sometimes make me a bit wistful, but I'm right on board with this decision. The reasons? Oh there are so many reasons. Can I just laze it up and make a list?

1. I remember the bitterness, roller coaster, depression and the final dichotomy of painful yet joyful relief in acceptance that struggling to conceive wrought. I do not want to take any chances that I will EVER go there again. And I know I would. I have so much trouble accepting what I see as failure. And I'm very demanding about what I want.

2. Much in line with number 1, we are so at peace and happy with our lives now. I am so so thankful to be someone who is able to accept life with one biological child and be ok with that. In fact, I'm more than ok. I am practically in the clouds most days.

3. We don't have the money or much space or time for a second biological child. We are stuck in our small, 2 bedroom house. We are so grateful to have it, and we love it, but it is financially impossible to leave it, and space is definitely tight. To assure that there wouldn't be as much struggle to conceive, it would probably need to be soon while I'm still enjoying the results of a break in my PCOS spiral. But two in daycare would be financial ruin. And if I quit my job, we'd lose health benefits for our family. No winning there. And time wise, we work so much that we find ourselves (much like many others) fighting to get time together and have even some left over for pets, friends, other relatives etc. This all means we'd be waiting until E was at least 4 to even go for another... which leads me to my next problem...

4. I would be 35-36 and Hub near 40 before we even started trying. No, that's not so old if you conceive quickly right? But what are my chances of that? I mean, let's face it, then I'd not only be dealing with PCOS eggs, I'd be dealing with PCOS AMA eggs. And the problem was mostly me, but not entirely. Hub would be aging right along with me.

5. Along with 4, I have a huge mental block (and a fatigue problem that I know will get worse due to my medical conditions) about being an "older" parent. The age I was having E is good. I don't want to go any farther.

6. I never want to even create the chance to experience pregnancy loss again.

7. Two Words: Post Partum. It was so incredibly difficult for me, and I'm so the victim of my hormones, that I don't know that I ever want to do that again either... especially and try to be a Mom for E. I think it would be better the second time around, but what if it wasn't? What if the high blood pressure got worse? What if high blood pressure actually interfered with the pregnancy? It was a struggle to work to the end of my pregnancy as it was. What if I couldn't come back emotionally? Yes I know they are all "what-ifs," but not worth it for me right now.

Don't get me wrong. I am so incredibly grateful for this experience. It was worth every single hiccup, all the physical pain, all the emotional pain... everything. It was amazing. I would do ALL of it all over again even knowing what would happen if it meant the chance to be a mother period... if it meant the chance to bear one child and have him in our lives. It's worth it for that. But now we have it. We have him, and it's amazing. It's splendid. It's wonderful. As Jen and I say, "We've won." And I want to keep living it like that without the specter of infertility or other complications hanging over our heads. But this is all so very individual, so don't ever think I'm judging anyone else for their choices.

HOWEVER - note that I have not discussed what has been in my heart for years - the subject of adoption. It's still there; a little lump of love in my heart for children looking for their families. I see them, and I love them all. I think often how I'd like to have another child in our lives. I'd like E to have a brother or sister (right now it's brother because OH how enamored am I with boys now!). I'd like to grow our family. I'd like to adopt from the state system. It's something I've always wanted to do, and it negates so many of my previous concerns. But of course, it brings up so many new ones. Will it bring too much discord into our lives? Will the heartaches of adoption prove too much to handle? Are we good enough? Would our nurture outweigh the damage that's already been done? What if by nature we get a child with whom we can't connect? But for now, we wait until it's time to talk about it. And we'll be a happy family even if we don't travel that road. But all that is a post for another time... years away.

An Adoption Story

Last week at work, I noticed a little boy who seemed to want to chat. Always one to engage a cute little man, I asked him how he was doing. He replied, "Fine," and asked if I had any sisters. I told him I did and told him her name. He told me he had a little sister and told me her name. Then he called her over. He was blue eyed. She appeared to be Guatemalan and maybe 4 years old. He tenderly guided her with his hand on her back. Then he said he had two other sisters and pointed them out across the way. They didn't physically resemble the other two either. I asked if he was the oldest as he had the air of the authoritative and protective big brother.

He replied with head held high, "No, I'm not the oldest, but I'm the first!" Then he told me all their names and a little about each. He was so full of pride for his family and so excited to share their details. He warmed me to my toes. Adoption is such an uplifting and splendid institution.

Blogger Award

Chelle took the time to make this beautiful award, and then a lovely lady at Cherish This Baby took the time to write some kind words about me through it! She hadn't even said boo to me before that, so it was a really fun, really touching surprise. I have to say though that even though she gives me a lot of credit, and I did work hard to find a healthy path for my particular body (which I believe opened the door to pregnancy), much of why we are here is luck. I do know that and give thanks every single day.

As for the award, there are a few rules of course, so without further ado:

Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.
Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.
Let the winners know they have been awarded.

I haven't done this in a while because it's a difficult thing for me. But I'm going to pick people I haven't chosen before and whom you may not be reading. These people do inspire me. Oh, as for how I began blogging? I've written lots about that throughout my years of trying, so I won't bore you with the long details. The down and dirty of it is that I am a writer at heart. I journal. I scribble on pieces of paper and stow them in my nightstand. I compose stories in my head during boring times. I resisted blogging because I kept thinking that it would happen for me soon anyway (yes naivete), and I am not big on putting myself out there to the internet. So that's why I'm as anonymous as I am and why I haven't been blogging as long as I've been trying. However, blogging has been great therapy for me. I tried a real therapist, and the benefits did not even come close. One of the greatest things has been the people from whom I learned and took comfort.

In no particular order:

Down (But Not Out) - Yes I'm a little biased since she's an old friend, but she writes very well and is such an inspiration not only in attitude but in follow through. She doesn't get to update much because of the challenges of chasing after the little stinker that has graced all of our lives, but what she writes is so open and loving and full of a beautiful grace and calm. I often wish I could achieve that. She's like that in person too by the way. ;-)

What I Really Meant to Say - Her viewpoints on religion, family and day to day life are always so open and fascinating to me. She's very real about the issues she faces and in being so, helps others learn about themselves.

Stuff to Say - Like the above, mo*reezy has a great, open outlook on faith, love and family. She also often posts things that make me go "hmmm" in a good way. I love when people work my brain without using vitriol or spite. Good job chickie.

Crying Over the Fish Sticks - Beautiful thoughts on dealing with IVF failure, the depression that comes after and the struggle to make a wonderful life. I find her very honest and kind despite her own issues.

Quest for a Lifetime - Just like with when I read One Good Egg, my heart just about explodes with happiness to see how her story ended (or began in a way!) with such a beautiful adoption. As a woman who has always had adoption in her heart as well as the desire to have a biological child, I really gravitate toward this kind of story for inspiration. She's also just a really good chick.

So did I give you ideas for blogs you haven't yet read? I hope so. Best wishes to all. The rest of you all know I like ya too. ;-)

Adoption Support Information

The AFA recently sent this one of their mailings. I thought it sounded like a wonderful support idea. If we were doing adoption right now, I'd be on that phone! So much of it seems to hard to navigate to me. Hopefully if we do decide (we're taking it one day at a time here.. Hub especially) to adopt, they'll offer something like this again around that time. The only thing is, we're really only considering State adoption. Is that covered here? It seems to me that there is so much less on that method until you actually start going through the process. Then the State itself seems to offer a lot. But it bothers me that you don't see it much anywhere else.

Considering Adoption: A Free Phone Coaching Support Group

Tuesday, October 13th

This telephone coaching support group is for couples and individuals who are exploring the possibility and "how to's" of building a family via adoption.

During this one hour conference call you will have the opportunity to get clear information on:

• Adoption practices and domestic/international adoption option
• Exploring the myths and challenges of domestic and international adoption
• Considering which options may be right for you
• Learning about the role of birthparents in the adoption process.

You will receive professional and peer support as you consider and learn about the adoption option.

WHEN: Tuesday October 13, 2009
TIME: 9:00 PM to 10:00 PM, EST
FACILITORS: Bob Bamman, LCSW and Carolyn Berger, LCSW

COST: FREE!

For further information, please contact:
Bob Bamman, LCSW - Email BobBmmn@aol.com or call 646-872-9032
Carolyn Berger, LCSW - Email cnberger@optonline.net or call 914-834-6396

**Information courtesy of the American Fertility Association.

Nuggets

Some nuggets of information I've gleaned lately...

• The very newest version of What to Expect When You Are Expecting is soooo much better than the older one. Gone is the assumption that you can eat this perfect diet no matter how sick you are and added is much more up to date info that you may actually be asking at this point. They also included a much better rundown of the baby's development. Because really, isn't that what everyone mostly wants to know about?
• There actually is one good thing about being one of the last in your age group family and friend wise to become pregnant.... THE LOOT! I have offers from no less than 5 friends and family members to give us things ranging from furniture to adorable clothes to computerized toys. YAHOO!
• I only gained one pound since last visit. Just thought I'd sneak that in there. And by the way, I still weigh 10 pounds less than I did at the height of the clomid, femara, iui and injectibles crap.
• Dizziness sucks, but Gatorade is supposed to help. Woo hoo! An allowance from the doctor to DRINK SUGAR!
• My feelings about adoption have surprisingly only become stronger while pregnant. I very firmly believe that we are meant to adopt a sibling after this baby. I saw another adoptive family at work recently, and that thought popped into my head. Now how to gently ease Hub into that. All in good time... We should probably have this one first.
  
• Zofran causes constipation. I did not know this. Farah informed me. Just beware.
• My male ob/gyn does not know what a bella band is. Well... I guess now he does.

Glorious Day

What a gorgeous, glorious beautiful day! I got some weeding done in the beautiful 70 something degree sunshine of the Florida Fall. I'm trying to learn how to manage my emotions better, and how to appreciate everything in life again. This was one of those days. Despite some family drama, I was still able to dig my fingers into the earth and turn my face up to the sun for some blissful communion with the outdoors.

Tonight, I plan to buy some more yarn and work more on a beautiful scarf I've started for Christmas. Pray that I can keep this up because damn it feels good. I even looked more into adoption today.

I need a home!

Hi! I don't have a name yet because I don't have a home. Barb and her husband were at the local bank the other day when I came up to them for a pet. I was very lonely and hungry, and when I saw them, I knew they were animal lovers.

I turned up the charm and wound my way through their legs as they made those weird beeping noises in the big shiny thing in the wall. Sure enough, both bent down to check me out. Score! I knew I had them when they both exclaimed over how thin I am. They're right. I've been so hungry. My hip bones poke out and my backbone is (sadly) no fun to stroke because it's so prominent. My fur is also dirtier than it should be because I'm just so tired and had to fight so hard to survive.

I was elated when they both seemed to decide that they had to take care of me. Barb picked me up, and I started purring right away so that she knew I was a good kitty. Then they did something I didn't expect. They carried me into this little room and closed all the doors. I sat on Barb's lap happily at first. Then the little room started rumbling and moving, and I could see things whir by outside a clear wall! It was very scary. My heart started pounding, and I couldn't help but let me claws out a little bit. I was very careful not to hurt Barb though since it wasn't her fault. I was just nervous. I stood with my front feet on the clear wall so that I could keep an eye on what was speeding by. I started to wonder if this was a mistake!

Soon enough though, the room stopped rumbling, and they carried me into a warm, dry area where I got a little bed, a place to potty and yummy food and fresh water. I couldn't eat too much at first, but now I'm doing much better. Barb calls my room, "the garage." She said I can't come in because I'm a danger to their other pets, but that they'll find me a true home soon.

Does anyone in the central Florida area want to come visit me to see if I would fit in their home? I'm a really sweet kitty. I really love people and am so calm. Barb and her husband seem to really like me, but her husband is a bit allergic, and her other pets wouldn't like me at all. I'm glad they took me in though so that I could stop being so hungry and lonely. I love company.

Here's a photo of me so that you can fall in love and take me home:
Barb's Note: I'm pretty sure he's a neutered male, but I'm not positive. He really is very friendly and calm. It's unusual to find a cat this sweet and cuddly. I wish we could keep him, but it's just not possible. We couldn't let him out there to fend for himself though, and I'm scared of taking him to a shelter. All the really nice cat places are overwhelmed right now and can't take anymore. If anyone is interested in meeting him, please let me know in the comments and I'll be in touch.

Hashing it Out Part 3 - The BIG decisions

All righty. I guess I'll have to heave a big sigh and finally delve into this subject. I really want to just to get it off my chest, but it's a lot to think about and organize in my head.

Ovulating on my own has started to really confuse me. It gave me hope for my own body again even though I know that hope is somewhat misguided. It made me realize how very very much I want to have a pregnancy. It even made me question for a moment whether I wouldn't reconsider IVF. (I'm not by the way)

At the same time, I've started to grasp the complications and heartache that come along with adoption as well. I know you can't know until you do it, but there are just so many things of which I am terrified. We would be going through state adoption, and I know that we will probably not be chosen for quite a few children before we finally adopt. How long with that take? And how heartbreaking with that be? I just don't know if I can go through even more rejection after my own body has abandoned me. To me, it's even worse with adoption, because it's going to feel like now people are determining that I'm not fit to be a mother to someone.

The homestudy is another arm of this fear. I know it may seem odd since I have this blog and all, but my home and private life are very important to me. Sometimes I don't even like people just to drop by, I'm that private. How am I going to handle someone invading my personal space, judging the way we live (which I'm very touchy about since we don't have the money to fix up the house the way we want), and asking me such private questions? Then, even after we would get a placement, we have to endure it for quite a while more as they "check-in" with our family. I completely understand that this is the best thing for the child, but even just thinking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.

And finally, with State adoption, I know that the vast majority of those children were not given up willingly, and that most of them will be older. I just strongly feel that with the fact that we both have to work full time and more, we don't have the time we need to bond with a child who has already known another life. I also feel that we aren't equipped to deal with an older child from the get-go. If we had already raised a child through those stages, I might think so. But having had no experience as parents, we are apprehensive about jumping right in like that.

All these thoughts have only again reinforced how badly I want to have a pregnancy. When I was younger and more shallow, I used to think that people shouldn't place such a high premium on having a biological child. "Love is love!" I would think. "Why should it matter?" But it does. I know that the bond would still be there. My sister is actually my step-sister, and I can't believe that I love her any less than I would were we related by blood. And my nephew... well, if she couldn't raise him for some reason, I could already take him in as my own, that's how dearly and closely I love him. And it really doesn't matter. However, I still have thought at times that I would like to know what it's like to have a biological sibling. It took a lot of guilt before I understood that that doesn't make me love my sister any less. It just means I have a lot of wistful questions as to how it would be. I will always regret a little that I never knew what that was like.

Take those feelings and translate them into having a child, and they become a bigger issue for me. The closer I come to losing all hope at getting pregnant, the more I hold on to the dreams I had. I want to carry my husband's child. I want to be tied together by that amazing experience. I want to see his eyes light up and hear his infectious laugh when he first sees the baby moving inside me. I want to deliberate on whether it will have Grandma's nose or Daddy's hands. I want to be together in the delivery room as we experience what I consider one of the greatest miracles and cry as we touch his or her little fingers. I want to look at this little life that we created together, out of our love and know that someday he or she will create little lives of his or her own. We're both from completely different cultures. I want to see them blend and merge into this little child - a tie that binds it all together. And I know that Hub wants many of the same things.

I've avoided saying many of these things because at one time, I would have considered them very selfish. But I think I've matured enough through all this to understand that it is what it is. It's healthy and natural to have some of these thoughts. I need to work through them a little better before I can feel like I would be the best Mom I could be to an adopted child. I know I would love that child unconditionally. But I don't want all these wistful regrets hanging so thickly in the air around him or her. The main thing is, when I have my child, I want them to have the best chances possible at a wonderful life. So for me to feel comfortable, I need to be in a really good place about adoption before we go through with it.

So here is what we've come up with:

We wait a few cycles to see how my body is working for sure.

Then we do one more medicated IUI - possibly with another clinic where the doctor actually pays more individualized attention to their patients' whole health. I need this last try since my 3rd IUI was a complete no-go.

If this does not result in a pregnancy (and possibly even if it does, but later on) we will begin the State sponsored adoption classes.

If the State system really seems too hard for us, we consider asking some family members who have expressed the desire to help for a partial loan to help us with the costs of private domestic adoption. We will hopefully be able to pay them back with tax rebates and a lot of hard work.

It feels good to have some plan. I hope this one works out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion though that we will be heading for the last 2 options rather quickly. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism by posting this, but I had to put it out there - somewhere. I had to ease my own mind.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day for those who feel comfortable with it. For me, I still think of it mostly as a way to celebrate my Mom. But I won't pretend that I don't feel a little pang at every commercial that lauds all the wonderful attributes of women who are mothers. "But I'm trying to be a mother!" I want to yell at the announcer. "I could be all those things too! I really could!"

I called my Mom this morning, and she seemed so incredibly delighted. It's not often that I'd use the word "bubbly" to describe my Mom, but there's no other word for her mood today. It's nice and flattering to think it was my phone call or card that had her so happy. I know the most likely truth though. My 3 year old nephew was the first person to call her this morning. She said the phone call went something like this:

Mom: "Hello?"
Nephew: "Gramma come down to my house*?"
Mom: "Hi honey! Sure I'll come down!"
Nephew: "My bought you**... "
[insert my sister's muffled voice, "No! Shhhh! Don't tell her!"]
Nephew: "Gramma come down!" CLICK

I have not yet called to find out how the day went. In the blog world, I was flattered that Alyson from Alyzabeth Ann left me such a sweet comment in the previous post. When I followed the link to her blog to catch up, I saw this post about another blogger's thoughts on acknowledging the losses of adoption as well as the gains. It was a wonderful post and spoke to my strong preferences for accepting the stark truths in life so that I can better cope. If you have read secret thoughts of an adoptive mother, then you know what I mean. And you'll know I have no patience for people who prefer that you try to paint infertility in rosy shades of opportunity or who become angry with someone who tries to fully understand and impart the full gamut of emotions involved in adoption.

Just a few things to think about this Mother's Day. Peace.


*My nephew does not yet understand how the phone works, and usually begins talking as it's ringing on his end. As a result, you have very little time to process that he's asked you a question when you pick up the phone, because by the time you're on the other end, he's past the introduction stage.

**He also currently inserts the word "My" where he should be using the word "I." It makes for some very cute and amusing conversations.

A LOT of Soul Searching

That's what has been going on in our house and in my head recently; more soul searching than I generally care to do. Things have not been "right" with me the past few weeks, so I set about trying to tackle the problem. I know, I know, I'm often less "right" than others (that's what DH loves about me - that off kilter feeling I bring to our home), but that's not what I mean. Stay with me here.

So I spent a few weeks stomping around, being pissy with others for small slights and feeling very unfulfilled and unhappy with myself before I decided to do something about it. This weekend I did a lot of talking with the Hub and spent a lot of time in my own company just thinking. I came up with a few things that may be causing this malcontent.

1. I am not over the loss of a close friend's support.
She was going through a rough patch just as I was going through my lap and some heavy duty treatments. Apparently those things don't mix for us. She's who she is, and I'm who I am. I couldn't take the "half friendship" stuff anymore. It was just too painful at a time when I had little strength for anything other than what I was dealing with at that point. But I mourned the loss of our relationship for months. I think I still feel a little lost without a friend of "my own" if you get what I mean. She was my sister in everything but name. I find myself trusting people less and feeling a little more alone. I need to complete closure on this.

2. I am not "over" the loss of my Grandfather
I am at the point now where I imagine some people think, "He was old, what did you expect?" or "She should surely stop talking about it now and move on." However, he has been gone less than a year. He was an integral part of my life. He was one of the only really steady male role models I had. I admire his life greatly and cherished his love and affection. I not only continue to grieve for myself, but for the whole family - particularly my Grandmother. Furthermore, the grief isn't the only issue. His passing started a chain reaction of thoughts in me that I can't seem to stem. As I've said before, it has made me contemplate life in general, what will happen to me and Ron, and how do I deal with the losses as they continue to come, as I continue to age. It's also even thrown my confusion about my religion into more chaos. I know you can't live like that. I know it. I know you need to live in the moment. It's something I did very successfully for years. However, even though I still live in the moment, I almost do it with a desperation... a desperation borne of this very stark understanding of life's truths. So number 2? Yeah, it's a biggie, and I need to work on it more.

3. The economy and our finances are a HUGE stress.
I dream at least twice a week that we lose our house and have to move into something awful. A big part of that is that even if we sold our house, we'd still be in tens of thousands of dollars of debt because of the poor housing market and the loss in value. We probably won't lose our house, but man is it hard to live as frugally and work as hard as we have been and not see much come of it.

4. I am unfulfilled and unhappy at work.
I have lost so much confidence in my leaders, and there's nowhere to turn. I still like what I do, and somewhat like the company, but I feel so stifled and mismanaged. The worst part is that others in the company seem to know that this is a problem, but are just waiting it out. It's easy for them to wait it out when they aren't on the bottom; recipients of all the sh*t that keeps rolling down that giant hill.

5. Finally - I am not as "at peace" with my reproductive status as I thought I was.
I am still very angry that even though my body is starting to respond, there is a very high chance I will never carry a child. That fact fills me with such an aching emptiness that I don't even know what to do with it. Furthermore, the more I learn about adoption, the more I understand that it comes with its own set of rejections, failed hopes and struggles. I just don't know if I can take starting that all over again with a new process. I think I might be a little more optimistic if we had the money to pursue private adoption since we could look all over the country, and would be working with mothers ready to give up their children, but we don't. It's as simple as that.

The Hub and I have already started talking about what all these problems look like and how we are going to address them. I fear that I will be very wordy in the coming days as I come to terms with all this and feel the need to purge myself all over the web as usual. Stay tuned.

It's Dream Time Again

I dream vividly and often, and I usually remember them. Last night I dreamed that we attended one of the state system's adoption picnics where you can meet the children. We met 3 siblings that took to us immediately. There was a boy of about 5, a girl of about 3, and a baby boy under 1 year old. They were fair haired and blue eyed (very unlike either of us), and very sweet. I could even feel the baby's body in my arms and smell his baby powder.

I remember that we wanted to adopt these children but that we were very afraid of taking on three at once. We don't have a large house by any stretch of the imagination, nor a large budget. We also were just afraid that we wouldn't be able to do it. But in the end, we decided to foster them even though in reality in our State you either foster or adopt.

Then the time came to adopt them, but their mother would not sign away her rights to them. Then the little boy kept running away. It was awful, and I'm sure very indicative of all the angst I have surrounding adoption. A psychoanalyst would have a great time with my dreams.

Then again, I also dreamed later that we were on a plane that could cut through the fabric separating worlds and travel to different times and spaces. And I'm only giving you the TAME dream stories.

ETA: Just to give you an example of how these are TAME dreams... last night I dreamed that I started growing eyelids and eyelashes on my arm and chest. I had 3 in all. It was very eerie, gross and realistic. I could even mess with them. There were no eyes in them yet, but I could sense that was coming, and made immediate plans to see a doctor. How's THAT for too much imagination? I have a lot of nightmares too, which is why I avoid bad movies and sometimes books. And no, I did not watch the Langoliers, but I had just read a book about different worlds and moving through the fabric between them. ;)

secret thoughts of an adoptive mother

This book by Jana Wolff, more than anything, has helped me start to wrap my mind around what adoption entails. Even though she went through open domestic adoption, and we would be going through the State, her raw, open account of the emotional turmoil that is adoption is inspiring. Some people feel that this book is too raw, too painful. But I need that kind of brutal honesty before I can face my fears. And for that, I thank this author with all my heart. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of the heartwarming moments you expect in the book, but she doesn't go all Hallmark on it.

Jana and her husband turned to adoption after failed infertility treatments. We have that in common. We also have in common (or so it appears) a love for the complete, unvarnished truth in written word. So I definitely identified with her. She also addresses many of the emotional roadblocks discussed in Unsung Lullabies. I found it very helpful to read that book first.

I find that I seem to have a love/hate relationship with adoption. I had always imagined that if I chose adoption, it would have been my choice after biological children or knowing that I could have biological children if I wanted. Now that I find myself backed into a corner by infertility, that choice is not filled with all the sunshine and rainbows I had imagined before. I felt like Jana reached into my brain and put into a book what I would have said if I had it figured out. One touching chapter features an imaginary letter to the birth mother with all those true, conflicted thoughts represented. Next to that, she writes the real letter that went with their file; the one that contains all the flattering words she thinks (and sometimes does) feel. It was such an illuminating moment for me.

When Jana and her husband do go to bring their baby home, her account of the birth was gut wrenching. It addressed all those fears I had tucked into my back pocket. Will the baby be healthy? Will the mother want him back? Will I love him right away? Will I feel like backing out? What if the baby looks so different from us that everyone stares? How do I prepare mentally for a child without experiencing the pregnancy? Will my family accept him equally?

These are all questions that may sound trite to one who has never really been faced with the reality that adoption may be their only chance. Frankly, I don't want to hear one peep from those people that I'm a bad person for thinking these things. Face it yourself, then you can talk.

The last third of the book completely switches gears, but it was an interesting and welcome switch. Jana talks about the fact that they are white and Jewish, while their child comes from a Christian, Hispanic mother and a mixed race father. I read this section with hungry eyes. Even if I never faced these issues, the insidious, "quiet" racism that still exists in this country is a fascinating subject for me. Furthermore, even if we do conceive a biological child (looking more doubtful after 2 years), our child will be mixed race as well. He or she will most likely look very much like a slightly less obvious version of the Hub. As much as I look forward to that, I also often wonder if people will assume I've adopted my biological child, or how I will help him or her understand that though we are moving toward more equality in numbers and treatment, that trend has plateaued somewhat. We are at the point of diminishing returns. There is progress, but it's glacial. How do I tell him or her to answer when someone asks, "What are you?" It's a seemingly innocent question right? But it's filled with so much undertone when asked from majority to minority.

I devoured this book. I highly recommend it. If you're in the place right now where you need purely uplifting adoption stories, then don't read it. Wait until you need to understand some of the pain that goes along with it. Otherwise, go for it. You won't regret it. My only suggestion is to read Unsung Lullabies first, as it will help you understand yourself AND Jana.

Here are some of the chapter titles just to give you a feel for the book:
1. To Produce or Purchase?
Either way, it's gonna cost.
3. The Home Study: Mr. & Mrs. Perfect
Your house will never (and need never) be this clean again.
5. Expecting Without Pregnancy
Buy the crib, but hang on to the receipt.
8. Show Time
Labor and deliverance.
9. If this is the Happiest Day of My Life, Why am I so Sad?
The myth of bliss.
12. The Name Game
Should we name him after my family, your family or her family?
14. Saying Goodbye
Even the right decision can feel wrong.
18. Spit- Up is Spit-Up
Adopted poop doesn't smell any different.
20. Should We Send Cute or Ugly Pictures?
Will she want him back when she sees those dimples?
24. Friendly Racism
Are they staring, or am I paranoid?

Living Life Sure is Exhausting!

I don't know if it's a coincidence, but ever since I decided to focus on me and my relationships instead of infertility or what others think, life has gotten crazy! It's mostly crazy in a fun way, but I get really tuckered out. Thank God for Synthroid and its role in easing my exhaustion.

My last weekend was spent going to a water park (free tickets!), helping with and attending a beautiful outdoor wedding, running my usual errands and cleaning, and spending all day at a theme park with friends from up North.

As weekend eased into workdays, it didn't let up. Work has been so busy that each week goes by in a blur. Some of the people on my team are my best friends down here, and I feel like I haven't even been able to connect with them over lunch! A wonderful stress reliever though is that I used an Amazon certificate to buy Kingdom Hearts II, and it came this week! So now I'm once again drawn into a video game that feels to me very much as if I am playing a book. I love those kinds of games. I also love to watch Naruto in subtitles for that reason... it's as if I'm watching a book. But that's for another time. A wonderful tip for you all: If you are looking for a specific item, check to see if Amazon has a used item seller. You can get it for much cheaper, and it is sent to your door! I've gotten so many CD's, books, games and out of print items this way. I love that site.

This weekend I drove 2 hours to attend a lovely baby shower for a lovely friend. I've known her since elementary school and just recently hooked back up with her. Her baby is the one that made a surprise and stressful entrance into the world (hence the after baby shower), but things are looking pretty good. She's not getting off without some hardships, but overall, the baby should be relatively healthy. I can say one thing, she's ADORABLE.

In the midst of all this, Hub is attending a convention (as an artist - yay!) all weekend while we are preparing for his siblings' visit at the end of the week. The advent of break times always ramps up our visitor numbers.

As for my personal stuff, I had two days of EWCM** this cycle so far, and now my fertile signs have subsided. I've only ever had EWCM one other time, and that was the time I actually got pregnant. I'm pretty excited, and hope that this means I will ovulate. Remember though that I am not focusing on trying to conceive - just on being healthy for now.

You may also wonder what happened to talks of adoption. Well, I decided I needed to feel very centered before we seriously began that journey. I'm pleased to say that's going well. I want to finish our Unsung Lullabies support group and start reading about the emotional impacts of adoption before we begin. I'm not going into this half cocked like I did our treatments. To that end, I got Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother in the mail yesterday! (again with the Amazon. :) You can be sure that I will be posting my thoughts on it once I've finished. So far, I highly recommend reading it along with Unsung Lullabies if you are thinking of adopting. The emotional issues and thoughts are very interconnected between the 2 books.

Today, I'm just vegging and recuperating. I'm also feeling a "happy things" list building again. I can't believe how good it feels to do those. I think it's almost like Oprah's "gratitude journal."


**I don't care to describe what EWCM is. Those who will care what it is will probably already know it. Suffice it to say that it means I should be in a fertile phase.

The Good, the Bad and the Pretty Darn Beautiful

This weekend was very bittersweet. There was so much to be appreciated amongst so much bad luck. I'll start with the bad.

We recently found out that our real estate taxes went up more than they had estimated they would. On top of that, our mortgage company did not take enough out for escrow last year, so we owe them a short fall. If we stay with escrow, they want a 2 month cushion. Understandable. However, that would mean that our house payments (plus escrow) would go up over $300/month! There is no way in God's green Earth that we can afford to make those payments. If we pull out of escrow, we'd just owe the mortgage company the shortfall, and our payments would go up just a little. Then we'd have to save for taxes and insurance ourselves. There is so much to be considered here. No wonder people lose their houses when they could afford them initially! The county simply took a lot higher percentage rate this year than they said they would. How can we possibly know that's coming?? I'm going to have to work really hard to get overtime work, and DH is considering getting a second job. This means that even though state adoption is much more affordable for us, it's shelved until we can get a little more stable. This economy sucks giant hairy ones. I hate it.

Ready for the good? I thought so. On Monday I met up with a fellow infertile! Her name is Stephanie and we met through this blog. It was slightly spur of the moment, and I was very excited. For some inexplicable reason, I was all worried that she would think I looked ok and not too much like a goof. In general, I wanted her to like me since we seemed to have a lot in common through the 'net. This thinking is what led me to even wear mascara! I never wear mascara!! I neglected to mention this to her when she confessed to me that she wore lipstick for the same reason.

We met up at Panera Bread for some yummy soup and a nice long chat. She was very pretty and approachable, and surprisingly, very like I pictured her. The nice thing is that we were able to talk about our lives as a whole with infertility as a horrible part of it. I think now, I need people like that who have been in the trenches for a while. I can't focus solely on IF or I'll go crazy. Another nice thing is that I felt some of that "fellowship of IF" that I've felt with other people. The same happened when I met L at the acupuncture office, and when my local pharmacist chatted me up about IVF. There are just clues that IF veterans give off in certain situations that let you both know you have something in common. Then you can breathe and lower your walls. But those stories will come in another post.

For now, just know that it was wonderful to finally meet up with another IFer in person for a change. The other 2 women I've met have been very busy (happily since they are now pregnant!) and we've had a hard time catching up. We will probably meet again, and if anyone in the Central Florida area is interested, please contact me! You can find the info on the Stirrup Queen's website.

Furthermore, I met up with a long time friend today! To get to her, I got to drive through some of the unspoiled regions of Florida, and it eased my soul. Wetlands, forests, palmetto and scrub were a feast for the eyes. The weather has been absolutely beautiful; 70's, clear and sunny. We met in a quaint little historic district near the ocean, and she bought me some yummy Mexican food. Afterward we wandered the little shops where I found....

...YARN FOR MY SCARF! It's by Malabrigo, and it's scrumptious. I bought the variegated Merino color called stonechat. It was more than I should have spent, but I'll work extra or sell something else on ebay. It's entirely worth it.

So how's that for a bittersweet few days? There has been a lot of good. It's just that the bad is so bad that it barely balances. I know many many of us are in tough spots right now, so best wishes to us all.

Stringing You Along

So far I really like Unsung Lullabies. I'm actually excited to write my post for Saturday's update. I'm trying hard to keep from reading too much at one time so that I'm able to really reflect on the passages for each week. I think moving through this book and blogging about it will be cathartic. I've already had a few "a-ha" moments.

I've also begun looking into counseling. Surprisingly, my insurance coverage for it is very good, so there's no reason not to do it. Plus, I've been having more and more trouble balancing my issues with infertility, adoption and work without help. And I really want to be able to move on at some point so that we can start the family we've always wanted. However, I fear that if we did that right now without help, there may be disastrous results. I very much feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at 30. Unsung Lullabies covers some of the reasons for why that may be so, and I can't wait to get to that chapter.

Is this what they call a "teaser?"

Working Through It

Updated at bottom for Unsung Lullabies post link!

Before I get into it, can you see why I want a baby with that man? Thanks so much for your sweet replies to him everyone. It's a big deal for him to have done that, so I'm so happy to see such a welcoming response from all of you.

I've been pretty mum about the whole Tyra Banks show fiasco but have been meaning to talk about it at some point. Originally I was going to wait until the show aired, but after I saw the nasty bait and switch that occurred, I don't even want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Basically, what happened was that the show put out a request to some infertility support organizations to see if people would be willing to share their stories. However, on the show website, the call for guests was posted in a very different, very sensationalized manner, and the show appears to have been taped in the latter style. In my opinion, it was an unconscionable decision. I can't imagine they would call other chronically ill people to their show merely for ratings (or maybe they would?), but in any case, the many diseases and issues behind infertility deserve more respect than to be mocked on national TV. For a complete rundown on what happened, see this post at BlogHer.

OK, enough about Tyra. I've been ordering more and more info on adoption. We still both think we'll do state adoption, but the lure of the open newborn adoption is very strong. Most of the fuzzy, warm stories you see on TV are about private domestic adoption, and so many people are eager to share with you why state adoption can just be so bad (not that I think that's necessarily a completely accurate portrayal.) As a result, we are still fairly torn on what we'll do eventually. On top of that, the hope of conceiving is still very much alive and strong in both of us. We won't completely give up that hope if we adopt, but at the same time, I think we are currently at the point where it will interfere with us moving forward enough to go through adoption with happy hearts.

Therefore, we have to take this in baby steps and work through it as best we can. One thing that I have meant to do for a long time is to read the book Unsung Lullabies. Time and time again, others refer to it as a book that has has helped them to understand their feelings regarding infertility, and as one that has helped them to move on. The author of Living a New Life with Infertility has thoughtfully offered to run a blog ring reading group of sorts for this book. We will read it in sections and then post our observations at the end of each week. At the bottom of the review post will be a link to the next blog on the list for discussion. I'm very excited to read it with all these other wonderful people, and hope that doing so will help illuminate what I need to learn that much better. If you're interested, please read along.

Move on to the next post: Assessment of Myself at Living a New Life with Infertility.

Adoption

We have been slowly and gently dipping our toes into the waters of adoption. I think it will take a while until we can fully submerse ourselves. I am not completely finished with the hope of a pregnancy. Nor am I completely sure that we will take the adoption route.

Our plan right now consists of gathering information, and should we decide to proceed with the next step in adoption, finding a counselor to help us grieve the loss of a possible biological baby. I don't feel like I would be the mother I want to be until I can do that.

The big big problem I'm dealing with right now is the lack of knowledge. I don't even know how to begin finding a decent adoption agency in Florida to call to ask the questions you're supposed to ask. We've also been researching state adoption, as that's a much more financially feasible solution for us, not to mention the fact that there are so many kids in the state system who need homes. The scary part for us is, we don't know what to expect from the state system. We feel we are not experienced enough to parent an older or very special needs child. Is that what we should expect? We also are afraid of the trauma (for all involved) of parenting a child whose first parents' rights have been terminated against their will. Is that what we should expect?

I can find more info on private adoptions (though not on specific agencies), but I can't seem to find people who have adopted from the state without fostering. Is there anyone out there in blog land who has chosen this option? Would you be willing to share your experiences? We are really clueless right now and would love the help.

By the way, the post by DH should be coming in a few days.