Sometimes I'm Clueless

Help please. My baby, who always went to sleep well, is starting to fight it with all his might. Is it developmental? He's starting to stand and try to walk. Is it becoming a toddler? Is it wanting to play? Is it wanting to spend more time with Mommy and Daddy? Is it a growth spurt? Teething? How have you responded to this? He even went back to sleeping with me a few nights!

Addendum: Hub just walked him in, and put him in the crib. There was some angry yelling for a few minutes, but nothing like when I first put him in and nothing like it's been the past week. WTH??

And Happy New Year's Eve

How crazy is it that I need E to sleep well, and yet I miss him bunches when he does?

Sent from my iPod

Recap of the Awesomeness

Oh my goodness the joy in this house. One of E's grandfathers visited for the first time just before Christmas, and it was lovely. Even lovelier was the fact that I got to be off work on Christmas Eve. I didn't manage to eke out Christmas day (11 hrs at work), but at least I had part of the festivities for my baby's first!

We had lunch at Chili's, which may seem a little lame, but for the first time this year, we have no relatives to visit. I was bummed about that. (Although I have to say there are certain blessings in having our own Christmas.) I do have an Aunt on the west coast, but she's quite a ways away with her own major obligations. Maybe next year. After we came home I started dinner. We feasted on a very non-traditional but delicious meal of garnet yams (MUCH better than plain ole sweet potatoes), savory green beans and chicken for me and E and roast for Hub (pre-cooked by the grocery store.) Then came the presents.

E had the time of his life. He didn't really care about the paper or opening the presents, but he sure liked them once they were available. He got just the right amount too. It wasn't so much that it overwhelmed him. It was so wonderful to see him push around his trucks, adore his books, love on his stuffed animals and lovingly stroke the satin ribbons.

Cute side story: Since we put the tree up, there has been one ornament I would hang low and take off to show E. It has been the ONLY ornament he pulls off. It's one that is not dangerous in any way for him to have, so we don't care if he does. The adorable thing is, he crawls around with it and loves on it for a while. Then he crawls back to the spot on the tree where he got it and tries to hang it back up: every.single.time. Does everyone think their baby is a genius angel? Probably.

OK, back to business. E got Daddy a photo book of the two of them, and Daddy liked it so much. I got an iPod touch, and I adore it. I use it a lot for quick photos and video of the baby and to organize things via email/FB on the fly. It's perfect for a busy Mom. I just don't like my phone and media systems to mix, so a touch it was. I want my phone to call people and maybe have a calendar and alarm. That's all. Call me traditional. I don't even text. Yes - I am hopeless and tight fisted. The lovely thing about this present from Hub was that he set up my account for me, charged the iPod and downloaded a Christmas album I wanted very badly that only came in mp3 format. It's called This Good Night is Still Everywhere by Dustin Kensrue. Check it out. It's lovely. I'm particularly partial to his O Come O Come Emmanuel.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I'm enjoying being filled up with all this love.

End Scene

Aaaand the most fabulous Christmas of my life. Work tomorrow. Love to all.

With Help...

• I was going to blog tonight and finish some online Christmas cards, but somebody decided to get up randomly and not go back to sleep.
• Baby now wants to type with Mommy. This should be iNTEARESTING.
  
• sEE WHAT I mean?
• He's feeling better. Dr> CHECK UP TOmorrow. YCT &F^BN
• Much like Elizabeth, E is a very good helper baby.
• Remind me to tell you about his penchant for pleasing people and trying to do the "right" thing. It's freakin adorable, but as a pleaser myself, I feel for the kid.
• We got a new couch. I will blog about that when all this is not going on. It was our first big new furniture purchase ever.
• We are pathetic.
• CHRISTMAS IS COMING!
  

We Aren't Dead - Yet

So we've been all excited for this Christmas season and would love to get the ball rolling except that we are having issues. The car broke down again. E is sick, and we are on our second wave of visitors (3 more to go). He has RSV and a double ear infection. He's on nebulizer treatments, steroids, antibiotics and ear drops. We like to throw in a good few doses of Tylenol and ibuprofen here and there just to say we've covered all our drugged up baby bases.

As a result, the tree is up but most of the ornaments are scattered on the floor; abandoned the night we rushed him to urgent care. There is so much filth and so few clean clothes to wear that soon we will qualify as a Survivor set. And all those Christmas cards and gifts to be sent? Half finished thank you. Merry first Christmas E! Let's hope we get it done better in the next week or so. Dr. F. says you should be more on the mend in another week. I wouldn't mind if the fever went away though...

Little Note

I found it interesting (and thought you might too) that 2 months after ceasing all breast feeding, I still have just a little milk. It's so persistent time wise. Why couldn't it have been more copious when I was feeding?

Busy

I think I can safely say that most of us have begun that busiest season of the year hmm? I know we have. There will be little from me in the next month or so, but oh life is good.

And a belated Happy Birthday Elizabeth.

All About Moi

I have to say that I've been feeling damn good. My hormones seem fairly stable. I've been getting decent sleep. My work situation has improved drastically after getting away from the person we've discussed before. Hub is not overly busy, and we've been connecting well, and I've finally been able to put my acquaintances and friends in their properly labeled little categories in my brain. This reduces MUCH stress for me. I'm also finding the physical me again! I have energy, and I'm learning that I'm really not a lazy slug. It was just pregnancy and new motherhood that did that to me. I really did and do like being active. I just tire more quickly than the average bear per the usual.

What's more, I'm even finding my interests and hobbies again. Tomorrow I go to talk with a woman who will be my new riding instructor! I am over the moon about this. Riding is therapy for me. It's the only thing I've ever done (other than birth, and that's not something I want to do regularly) where I could focus completely on the task at hand. It clears my mind, it strengthens my body, and it feeds my soul. I rode regularly when we lived up north, but it's expensive and hard to find a good instructor down here. Oh I so can't wait.

Today I had an added bonus surprise. I was reading My Life After Loss and noticed that she had been mentioned on a nursing blog as an excellent blog for infertility support. Now, I like knowing famous people. It gives me a thrill to see their names or blogs on lists, so I clicked over to see hers and to see if I knew anyone else there. Well if I didn't get the shock of all shocks. My blog was listed there as well! The only thing is that I'm listed under IVF, and we have never done IVF. E was also not conceived with any ARTs at all. In my case, my body seems to have difficulty with the delicate balance that is our endocrine system and doesn't respond in very positive way to all those drugs. I ended up (with a large dose of luck) conceiving him after balancing my body. My thyroid was in check with Synthroid, and my PCOS was in check with Metformin. Though don't get me wrong. We did our fair share of Clomid and Femara rounds, procedures, alternative therapies and IUIs.

On a side note; what does it say about me that after the first thrill, my second feeling was guilt that I haven't been writing as well or as often as I used to? Oh those therapy sessions only go so far my friend. I do believe I'll always be battling some of that self esteem crap. My third thought though was, "Whoa. Someone else listed me as having a son. Awesome."

Go check it out! You may even be on the list!

Thankful for the Music

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for all the obvious, but for something just a little different, I'm thankful a coworker introduced me to a really cool new Christmas album. I'm diggin it.

Dustin Kensrue

Movies

Now that E sleeps so well and prefers his crib, I've been able to get back into my own hobbies again! I wouldn't change all that closeness with E for the world, but at the same time, it's pretty nice to go back to a bit more of a "normal" routine and get some of me back. Since I've seen so many movies, I thought I'd list them here just for fun. I've seen most of them on Netflix (thanks Hub), but for one, Hub and I went on a date night! We dropped E off with his daycare provider's daughter to babysit (they love each other), went to the movie and came back, but it was still just us! That was also the day that the lovely Maresi did a photo session with us and we got to eat take out Chinese. I'm easy to please.

Anyway, back to the movies. These are just my opinions. I'm no expert. Please don't hate. ;-)

1. Valentine's Day - Found it dull. Didn't even finish it.
2. The Frog Princess - Lacking at the beginning, but liked it a lot by the end. Beautiful animation. So glad to see traditional come back if even for a moment.
3. Enchanted - SO fun!
4. Babies - Fascinating
5. The Business of Being Born - Equally as fascinating if a little one-sided.
6. Alice in Wonderland (new one) - LOOOOOOOOVED it
7. Newest Harry Potter - I thought it was the most well done one yet. Enjoyed it very much.

I'm catching up y'all! Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!

Lucky

****Not good for those having a bad IF day****

Today, I looked down at my beautiful son playing contentedly while sitting in my lap and I unexpectedly teared up. God life has been good to us. How we got this lucky I'll never know, but I'll never stop being thankful for it.

Story Bullets

• E has two teeth on the bottom and the top FOUR are working on their appearance.
• Speaking of teeth, I have proof that your toothbrush makes a difference. My Dentist had given me a new type of toothbrush that I used for the requisite three months. That whole time I noticed more mysterious staining and teeth that just didn't feel as clean. Now that I'm back with my good old Oral-B, the stains have disappeared, and my teeth feel slick again.
• I'm really enjoying the book series, "Dealing with Dragons." (Thanks Jen!) It's rare that I like each book more than the last, but that is happening with these.
• I also read, "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" and found it enjoyable and sensible. A funny side note is that my family has been handing down a lot of Dr. Karp's wisdom for years but not in such a tidy package. He always says he uses information from how people have raised their babies in times past as inspiration, and I guess that's true! It's just that so many people these days don't have a family history or lots of help around.
• I miss my family. When I was home, I felt like me. I relaxed into my role as mother and found peace. It was like the final chapter in my healing. It felt like "real life" for some weird reason.
• When Hub and I were at BWI, he looked at me and said, "Let's just stay."
• I truly think if we could sell the house, it would be a very viable option to move closer to family again.
  
• Nice thing is, we will have a LOT of family visiting over the next 3 months.
• We may go a little crazy, and I may be very much less available, but it's still nice.
• At work the other day, I was talking to a customer about her beautiful little girl with Asperger's syndrome. We were discussing fun things for kids to do in the area - especially sensitive children. I mentioned a few things, and she said, "I wanted to, but my husband didn't. You know men." She repeated that a few times. I thought to myself, "Actually, luckily I don't. Hub is wonderful that way. He loves to do the things E would enjoy. He throws himself into being his Daddy and enjoys it whole heartedly when the baby is happy." It was nice to think about.
• An Older Version had a wonderful post recently about the struggle with accepting how people see you differently as a Mother. I agree that many gift you with kindness that they didn't before. However, my struggle through work has been very different. I have been seen as less dedicated, my loyalty questioned and my worth dismissed. In my line of work, many people see having children as foolish and irresponsible and have no interest in babies. Therefore, I have felt gagged sometimes when it comes to talking about him. Even the women who do have children seem to feel the need to "tow the line" and prove that they are "tougher" than the average mother. Quite frankly, it's frustrating and disgusting.
• At the same time, many of them are very quick to judge how much you love your child. Ridiculous.
• It's good to remember that everyone's experiences are different.
• I hope you've enjoyed my story bullets.
• Bring on the Christmas!!!!
  

Letters to Babybutt - Nearing 11 months!

My Dear Baby:

I missed your letter at 10 months because so much was happening! You are developing in communication, locomotion and learning at such a rate that I can't even really list individual accomplishments that easily anymore. What's more, you are turning into a little boy right in front of our eyes. You've always kept most of your baby fat on those chunky thighs and arms, but now your face and body are even more lean, making you look less babyish than ever. The first hair cut you just received from Auntie (my sister) didn't help matters, but you look ever so handsome. Your personality is blooming, and everyone is in love with you. (No, I'm not biased. Why do you ask?)

You recently took your first plane ride to meet all of your Pennsylvania family and loved it. When you got squirmy, I walked you up and down the plane aisle. While you are still a bit coy and shy, you overcame your reservations quickly enough to begin flirting with every single woman we passed. You even had the flight attendants wrapped around your chubby little thumb. You were flashing that gorgeous smile left and right and tucking your head into my neck charmingly. On our flight home, you even dared lean over to attempt a computer coup from the man across the aisle. Speaking of computers, man do you love them. We have thought about getting you an old keyboard to play with, but you have no interest in a keyboard that isn't affecting any change in the computer itself. I can't believe you've made that connection. You are amazing. And by the way, it was SO cute to see you in winter gear. I took you out to see your first snow one night. I don't think you were so fond of the cold. Remind me to show you the beautiful snowy night photo in which you wear an expression of profound disgust.

Even though you hated the cold, you seemed to love being around all that family warmth and love. I hope someday we do live closer. I felt at peace seeing you like that. You were in awe of your biggest cousin and learned things like how to steal toys from the younger (though older than you) cousin. Your younger cousin tried to include you on everything and patted your head when you cried. It was so sweet. It was trying to keep up with those two that finally prompted you to begin crawling on all fours and to abandon the army crawl. You still couldn't keep up. But that didn't stop you from trying!

In fact, you are trying new things and are learning and communicating like crazy. I'll just share two cute stories to wrap up this letter.

- I was reading to you the other night when you stopped the book halfway and leaned over the rocking to share to see what else might be better down there as you usually do. Only this time, after looking you flipped to your belly and slid off my lap. Then you proceeded to crawl over to the pile of books and shove them all aside with your hand. Then you dug out the book you wanted, slapped your hand on it and looked up at me hopefully. When I picked you up and began reading that one, you smiled and sat contentedly throughout. Oh my baby, you have always had such strong opinions. I have no idea where you got them. ;-)

-When at your Grandma's house, we decided to give you a bath in the kitchen sink. You tried to turn on the water as you always do. Her sink has a lever instead of knobs. When you were pushing the lever up, your arm accidentally bumped the sprayer to the right of the faucet. You glanced at it and continued to play with the water. At one point though, you pushed the faucet too far over to the point that you couldn't get enough leverage to turn it on. Seeming to find it broken you tried a few different ways, then looked to the side where the sprayer was. A light bulb went off and you lifted the sprayer, jiggled it, then set it back down and tried to move the lever again. In doing so, you accidentally moved it back to where you could get it, and the water turned on. We watched this process for about 10 minutes and any time you couldn't get the water turned on easily, you turned to the sprayer, jiggled it and tried again. It was a learned superstitious behavior. It was just like watching animal training and was fascinating. Apparently the urge to jiggle something to make it work is a programmed response. Grandma and I laughed ourselves silly and took video. I'll show it to you someday.

Thank you for making our lives so much more wonderful. We love you forever.

Mama

America in Decline?

Please all - share your opinions/expertise on this article. At first read, it sounds a bit more harsh than could possibly be needed, though I do think we have a lot of issues. However, I am not expert in any of these things.

Place Holder

The sick, the work, the house, the fun: they all get in the way of blogging. I must discuss this issue of an over 10 month old baby, relate a funny story and muse on various other topics. Hopefully I'll get to it soon. In the meantime, I am now menstruating for real for the first time since conception of the sweetness. I thought it would seem more strange than it does. On a happy front, it's not nearly as painful as usual, though it's still a bit... um... much. We shall see if I can now continue to ovulate without Metformin. Let's just say I am not overly optimistic.

I'm also not going to go for that job. After a lot of deliberation, it's just not a situation I think I can put myself in right now. From all accounts, it's a bit hairy right now, and I'm pretty happy with my current bosses. The other boss would also be one with whom I've already dealt. And we all know how well that went.

Letters to Babybutt - 10 mos - aborted edition

Here is the letter I never finished, but I wanted it to go up as a record anyway....

Hello my darling!

You are actually now well on your way to 11 months old, but things have been so busy around here, I'm just now sitting down to type a letter to you. Everything is speeding by so quickly! You have picked up so many more little boy characteristics and are dropping baby traits every day. Slow down my love! At the same time, it's so much fun to watch you plow through life with your exuberant sweetness and big smile. Your personality is coming into sharper focus, and I'd have to say that you seem like a boy who is determined to be happy. You try to hard to make your experiences what you want them to be and to stay smiling. For a baby who couldn't self soothe well, you are now a phenomenally good natured kid who can easily relax. You still have a tendency toward shyness and overstimulation, but things keep getting easier for us. You're also stubborn and determined. It's fun to watch you figure out where things go or how the bottle top unscrews.

Play has become more than a learning exercise. It's your new FUN! Play is all you think about lately. When we went home to visit Mommy's family, you were so excited to try to play with your two older cousins. Your daycare lady has even reported that they taught you how to steal toys from other kids. Oh dear.

So Much Has Happened....

• If you find yourself lost, going to where your heart is helps a lot.
• My baby likes planes.
• On the other hand - PSA: To ease ear discomfort in your baby (AND YOU) NEVER sit in the back.
• I am never getting caught up on reader methinks.
• I like when my husband has all this time for us.
• It makes me remember how much I like my husband.
• It's definitely easier to have a baby around a lot of loving family. No more suspicions. It's fact.
• My baby is now 10 mos old and developing like a fiend! His letter is going to be FULL this month.
  
• I'm applying for a part time job that keeps benefits. Wish me luck. Doubtful I'll get it.
• So many posts that need to be written in more depth. ACK!

Coolest Toy Ever

One of E's Godmothers got this AWESOME toy for him for his first Halloween. We had seen it in Target and talked about getting it many times, but A's generosity stopped us from needing to! We all love it!

Playing Catch Up

I hope everyone who celebrates it had a great Halloween! It was E's first, and we enjoyed it very much. We get fewer and fewer kids trick or treating in our neighborhood though. It's depressing. We need to move to a rich neighborhood I guess. The one we visited later in the evening to see a haunted house was hoppin. It's sad because every year our little cul-de-sac does it up right. We all have fun decorations, lots of candy and sit outside with whole or partial costumes on. Some of us even have music and spooky sounds! We're all trying very hard to keep our neighborhood friendly and active, but it's definitely an uphill climb sometimes.

But enough with the sad stuff. It's a good thing E had 2 costume choices because the first was vehemently rejected. It was sad at the time, but looking at the photo of it sends me into giggle fits. He ended up going as a very cute (though only partially costumed - WHY do we never remember the southern, warmer parts of the country?) spider. We did trick or treat all around our street, and everyone oohed and ahhed. We also listened to The Nightmare Before Christmas music and just spent a lot of time together as a family.

In other news:

• E and I voted today! We both got a sticker but due to aforementioned propensity for eating such treats, his was promptly removed.
• Last night was E's first night in a LONG time in his own room in his own crib by himself. Mommy was anxious, but ok. He slept very well until about 5 am when he woke up screaming and refused to go back to sleep until 7:30 when Mommy consented to lie on the futon on his room and sing to him.
  
• He's been fighting sleep a lot more lately. Tips?
• Hub has been between extra projects at work, so stuff has been getting done in the house! Yippeee! At this rate, we'll be done in under 10 years! hehe (Then we'll just have to start all over again.)
• The baby is developing like CRAZY. Fun post about all that coming up. He is understanding so much more now.
• Remember this story? Well E was doing it again the other day - but this time because of a black comb with white tipped teeth. Who knew?
• Situations in my life have been improving, and I've been feeling better. There's still some hurt over what feels to me to be some abandonment, but those people are slowly ceasing to matter. That's just the way I work. You either matter a LOT, or you don't at all. It just takes me a long time to get to either one.
• FALL IN FLORIDA! aaaaaaaaaahhhhh.
  

Not Left Wing Crazy

I really like Jon Stewart's closing speech in the Rally to Restore Sanity and or Fear. (love the jokes) I promise you it's not left wing crazy. I bet you'll nod your head reading it.

“I can’t control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

But unfortunately one of our main tools in delineating the two broke. The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.

If we amplify everything we hear nothing. There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats but those are titles that must be earned. You must have the resume. Not being able to distinguish between real racists and Tea Partiers or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez is an insult, not only to those people but to the racists themselves who have put in the exhausting effort it takes to hate--just as the inability to distinguish terrorists from Muslims makes us less safe not more. The press is our immune system. If we overreact to everything we actually get sicker--and perhaps eczema.

And yet, with that being said, I feel good—strangely, calmly good. Because the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false. It is us through a fun house mirror, and not the good kind that makes you look slim in the waist and maybe taller, but the kind where you have a giant forehead and an ass shaped like a month old pumpkin and one eyeball.

So, why would we work together? Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyeball monster? If the picture of us were true, of course, our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable. Why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution or racists and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own? We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is—on the brink of catastrophe—torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!

The only place we don’t is here or on cable TV. But Americans don’t live here or on cable TV. Where we live our values and principles form the foundations that sustains us while we get things done, not the barriers that prevent us from getting things done. Most Americans don’t live their lives solely as Democrats, Republicans, liberals or conservatives. Americans live their lives more as people that are just a little bit late for something they have to do—often something that they do not want to do—but they do it--impossible things every day that are only made possible by the little reasonable compromises that we all make.

Look on the screen. This is where we are. This is who we are. (points to the Jumbotron screen which show traffic merging into a tunnel). These cars—that’s a schoolteacher who probably thinks his taxes are too high. He’s going to work. There’s another car-a woman with two small kids who can’t really think about anything else right now. There’s another car, swinging, I don’t even know if you can see it—the lady’s in the NRA and she loves Oprah. There’s another car—an investment banker, gay, also likes Oprah. Another car’s a Latino carpenter. Another car a fundamentalist vacuum salesman. Atheist obstetrician. Mormon Jay-Z fan. But this is us. Every one of the cars that you see is filled with individuals of strong belief and principles they hold dear—often principles and beliefs in direct opposition to their fellow travelers.

And yet these millions of cars must somehow find a way to squeeze one by one into a mile long 30 foot wide tunnel carved underneath a mighty river. Carved, by the way, by people who I’m sure had their differences. And they do it. Concession by conscession. You go. Then I’ll go. You go. Then I’ll go. You go then I’ll go. Oh my God, is that an NRA sticker on your car? Is that an Obama sticker on your car? Well, that’s okay—you go and then I’ll go.

And sure, at some point there will be a selfish jerk who zips up the shoulder and cuts in at the last minute, but that individual is rare and he is scorned and not hired as an analyst.

Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together. And the truth is, there will always be darkness. And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land. Sometimes it’s just New Jersey. But we do it anyway, together.

If you want to know why I’m here and want I want from you, I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted.

Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you."

Fun Baby Story

When E really really likes something (usually involving electronics* but not always), he holds or presses it until his fingers turn white. His little legs stick poker straight out from his body, and he vibrates. He also affects the phone stalker breathing and pouts his lips out kind of duck like. We call it the "interested face." The really funny thing is if the electronic is turned off, he realizes that what he's doing isn't having an effect and loses some of the interest. He's found functions on our remote we didn't know existed and changed all kinds of settings on the computer.

Babies are so funny... and weird as Jen says; even when they play with their loveys and kick crib slats in an effort to evade sleep.

*Water is often figured.

Baby Help

E has decided that now he doesn't want to go to sleep at night. It seems to be a "Noooooo! I want to plaaaaaaaaaay with you!" thing. He cries and cries like his heart's breaking. He won't even take his nighttime bottle well unless I sing him The Elephant Song, we think because it's a precursor to bed time. That Elephant Song calms him instantly though. We've taken to playing it for him on a loop as he falls asleep at night. Is that a normal thing? Both the not wanting to sleep and the having one song that calms instantly?

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

The reality of you is so much more wonderful than the daydreams.

Love,
Mama
p.s. Thanks for wanting to sit in my lap, lay your head on my arm and give me so much love and kisses. Of course you give the baby in the mirror much longer, more tonguey kisses, but that's ok. He is quite handsome. I understand.

Random Thoughts

• It seems that what people say about it seeming like therapists aren't really doing much during a session is true. But it's also true that you seem to get better in spite of it. That must just be how it works!
• Florida fall and winter are beautiful.
• The baby loves being naked. He particularly loves being naked outside. We won't discuss why I know that.
• My hair is still coming back!
  

On The Crazy

Pre-Note: Yahoo has been randomly eating my comment emails (and other newsletters etc that I've been receiving for years) again. So I'm just now getting to them. What a wonderful big present for me though to find them all in my spam folder!

On to the real post:

The biggest things I seem to be learning from therapy and my work experiences are that:
1. I am not as crazy as I think I am
and
2. I am my own worst enemy and critic

So far my friends, FavoriteOB and now my therapist have pretty much told me that I don't seem to be that badly off emotionally and that it doesn't show as much as I thought it did. While some of that is probably that I do hide the most awful feelings fairly well, at this point I also have to concede that maybe they're on to something... especially since the professionals are involved.

I am quite the perfectionist and always have been. I'm particularly hard on myself if I'm not meeting my own expectations behaviorally, and I'm not getting validation from other people. It's a big failing. I often grab self esteem from my relationships instead of from my own sense of self worth. So when I see myself as failing emotionally, that begins a vicious spiral where I become more and more visibly agitated, tired, stressed and solemn. That spiral leads to others noticing my distress and interpreting it in their own ways. They then start providing less of the validation I crave. As my therapist says, "You are allowing them to define who you are when you retreat, because you aren't defining it for yourself to them." That spiral then becomes a circle of crap that just gets worse and worse until sometimes the only way to get out of it is to run away.

I need to stop the madness (trite I know). And as much as I need Hub, I need to stop scaring him with those feelings because since he's so close to me, I think he thinks I'm crazier than I am too. Then we feed on each other again. Note though Hub that it's sooo much better when you are as wonderfully supportive as you've been! That doesn't mean you need to stop! hehe.

So that's where I am now - trying to take things less personally, trying to ease up on myself, trying to stop the vicious cycle. If any of you out there have done this and have some pointers, fire away. And baby is now awake from nap, so self reflection time is over. They do tend to make us take ourselves far less seriously eh?

What's Your Sign?

Astrology is interesting to me. I don't really believe in it per se. However, it's so funny that often people seem to match what their sign descriptions say. Is that just because of clever wording? Or is there really something to it? Does your sign seem to match your personality for the most part? Please share. I also invite you to read this Libra description from Astrology Online and tell me if you think I might match it. Obviously it's easier if you know me in person, but feel free to say even if you don't. I will say that I am most definitely not and never have been promiscuous nor indulgent with money, nor do I despise "coarse work." In fact, I love it. Hub is a Libra though and does fit the last two a little bit.

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac, all the others representing either humans or animals. Many modern astrologers regard it as the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped. There is a mellowness and sense of relaxation in the air as mankind enjoys the last of the summer sun and the fruits of his toil. Librans too are among the most civilized of the twelve zodiacal characters and are often good looking. They have elegance, charm and good taste, are naturally kind, very gentle, and lovers of beauty, harmony (both in music and social living) and the pleasures that these bring.

They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval. But their characters are on the whole balanced, diplomatic and even tempered.

Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism - they are the kind of people of whom it is said, "They always make you feel better for having been with them." They are very social human beings. They loathe cruelty, viciousness and vulgarity and detest conflict between people, so they do their best to cooperate and compromise with everyone around them, and their ideal for their own circle and for society as a whole is unity.

Their cast of mind is artistic rather than intellectual, though they are usually too moderate and well balanced to be avant garde in any artistic endeavor. They have good perception and observation and their critical ability, with which they are able to view their own efforts as well as those of others, gives their work integrity.

In their personal relationships they show understanding of the other person's point of view, trying to resolve any differences by compromise, and are often willing to allow claims against themselves to be settled to their own disadvantage rather than spoil a relationship. They like the opposite sex to the extent of promiscuity sometimes, and may indulge in romanticism bordering on sentimentality.

Their marriages, however, stand a good chance of success because they are frequently the union of "true minds". The Libran's continuing kindness toward his or her partner mollifies any hurt the latter may feel if the two have had a tiff. Nor can the Libran's spouse often complain that he or she is not understood, for the Libran is usually the most empathetic of all the zodiacal types and the most ready to tolerate the beloved's failings.

The negative Libran character may show frivolity, flirtatiousness and shallowness. It can be changeable and indecisive, impatient of routine, colorlessly conventional and timid, easygoing to the point of inertia, seldom angry when circumstances demand a show of annoyance at least; and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage. Their love of pleasure may lead them into extravagance; Libran men can degenerate into reckless gamblers, and Libran women extravagant, jealous and careless about money sometimes squander their wealth and talents in their overenthusiasm for causes which they espouse. Both sexes can become great gossipers. A characteristic of the type is an insatiable curiosity that tempts them to enquire into every social scandal in their circle.

In their work the description "lazy Libra" which is sometimes given is actually more alliterative than true. Librans can be surprisingly energetic, though it is true that they dislike coarse, dirty work. Although some are modestly content, others are extremely ambitious. With their dislike of extremes they make good diplomats but perhaps poor party politicians, for they are moderate in their opinions and able to see other points of view.

It continues

Great. Now the yeast infection (?) area between his little buns is bleeding. Dr. Appt tomorrow at 9am. Advice welcomed.

Poor Baby

Poor E's bum is peeling just as if he had a sunburn except it's from that diaper burn he had a few days ago. Ugh. Poor baby. Diaper burn is the exact way to put it. That's no rash.

Full Circle

This is E's high chair. At first glance, it's just a plain, aging high chair with a cute pad.


And it has been used... extensively. My Grandma used it for my Mom and various other family members. My Great Aunt used it for some of her children. Mom got it back when I was born and used it for me, my sister and some of my cousins. Then my sister used it for her boys. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I started asking Mom about it. I remembered it fondly, and it's made of actual wood! She expressed doubts that it would be ok and didn't want to bring it down... but then she did.


When Mom got it for me, she refinished it and decorated it with some pretty designs. The back (under the pad) has a cute little lion on it. She's crafty, my Mom. The little touches she added make me feel loved.


It's imperfect, but I love having it for E. Why is it that family furniture garners so many memories? Is it because it lasts so long and sees so much (the good stuff anyway)? I know this piece has. It was lovingly touched by my sweet Grandma's hands. It held my cousin who was dogged by sickness and passed away very young. It holds memories of my sister; memories like the times she was so sleepy her head fell into her food at dinner. Its wood holds warmth. It's a pleasure to touch. The tray catches on the runners, but to me it's a funny quirk. Some of the finish is rubbing off, but to me that adds character. It now holds my sweet baby's chunk legs, and to me, it's a full circle of love.

Diaper Burn

I know some people may think Pampers is getting a bad rap. I know some people think Moms may be overreacting to the whole Dry Max debacle. However, we had confirmation today that that stuff hurts E - badly. We wondered what the regulars would do since the sensitive ones just gave him some red welts. Now we know.

E's daycare provider put a non sensitive Pampers diaper on him for some unknown reason. He had plenty of Huggies Pure and Natural in his bag. (Remind me to call Huggies and send them some love.) Anyway, she mentioned that he had gotten a diaper rash from his somewhat looser stool today. He went there with no diaper rash despite having had pretty much liquid stool with us through the weekend. I didn't take him home and change him right away because we had to stop at the grocery store. When we got him here, we noticed the odd diaper. It was a Pampers one. When I took it off, his poor bum looked like this:


This photo is just his LEG. It's the minor part of the rash. It was also taken after we had already treated the rash/burn, let him air out and then put on one of his good diapers for a while. It was much worse. It's astonishing how just taking off that diaper helped him heal. The worst parts of it were where his skin had actually peeled up. He looked literally like a chemical burn patient. His skin was also crimson and irritated the whole way up his belly and down his legs where the diaper had touched. He couldn't bear to lie on his back because it hurt. This happened after one (maybe more?) Dry Max diaper to a baby who has never had a rash like this in his life and who did not have a rash when we last saw him. I really really wish Pampers would take this seriously. I realize E is probably more sensitive, but it seems to be happening to lots of babies. And even if it's not causing this kind of damage to each child, chemicals that do this can NOT be good for a baby period (or anyone else for that matter.)

Sorry for the rant. I'm just a wee bit frustrated. My poor teething (teeth showing!!!) baby didn't need this on top of it. He was up every single hour last night.

My Issue

My issue is apparently generalized anxiety disorder. I haven't been back to the therapist in a few weeks because it's so hard to ask people to watch the baby. I feel like I had no idea what I was getting into with having him so far from most family or friends with children and both of us working full time. I really feel like I could get better more easily if I could just focus on this aspect of my life right now. Although to be fair, I didn't expect that my family down here would move 1000 miles away right after he was born.

This stuff is tough. I bought a book my therapist recommended and am going to try to work through it. I may post some things here to help me work it out just as we did with Unsung Lullabies. That helped me a lot, and I'm hoping it will help me this time as well. I have to admit that sometimes it feels like I'm climbing out of a slippery, crumbly hole bit by bit. It is getting better, but with lots of fall backs, and it's taking lots of time and very hard work. It's so difficult to get better when the very fact that I'm having issues and have had them for so long makes me feel guilty for being a "bad friend," and the negative self talk is such a vicious cycle.

Fifty Percent

I keep reading that 50% of all babies and toddlers fall into the "easy" category. No wonder there is so much assvice, judgment and self congratulation out there about raising babies. One must feel pretty smug if he or she lands an "easy" (Yes note the quotations on purpose. None of them are really all THAT easy.) baby. In everything I read, E falls squarely into the "shy" or "slow to warm up" category, though the older he gets, the more "easy" traits he seems to acquire. His temperament endears him to me. We match each other. We "get" one another.

Shout out to all the dedicated Mommies and Daddies raising some of the more tricky babies: We're doing all right! Our children are who they are, and we make the most of it!

p.s. Have I mentioned that I love Harvey Karp?
p.p.s. That "Babies" documentary is ADORABLE and heart warming. I particularly loved the African family. That's more how I would like to raise E - with him all the time, letting him play outside constantly, etc.

Happy Thanksgiving to all our lovely Canadian friends!

The Creepy Next Door

So you remember the creepy old neighbor next door? I would link to my stories about him, but I can't seem to find them and don't have the time for a long search. Anyway, if you do, you'll remember that he seems to kind of... come on.. to me. OK, so kissing me on the side of the neck is more than a come on, it's straight up freaky, but I don't get close enough to him anymore for that to happen.

He seemed to calm down during the latter half of my pregnancy and the beginning of my motherhood experiences. But now that I'm "lookin' good" again, I think he's back in form. Aside from mentioning how "good" I look on a regular basis, he's also been talking a lot about how well fed my baby is. And it's nothing I can really put my finger on, but he just says it in a creepy way. It doesn't help that the first time he said it, his daughter had just asked me about how breast feeding was going (in not so many words) right before that. I get the distinct feeling that he's also been trying to catch me outside alone again. And he gets entirely too close to my baby when he manages to get near him.

Ugh, ugh, UGH. Please save me from oversexed 80 something year old men with seriously ridiculous delusions. *shiver* Oh well. At least I could knock him down and run away fairly easily.

Older but Younger

Happy 33rd Birthday (a few days late) to me! I have to say that though I feel physically decrepit half the time, I actually don't feel as old mentally as I did. I feel more mature, but now I don't feel so old because that advanced maternal age label isn't hanging over my head. You may be thinking, "But what about when you have your second child?" Oh but that probably won't be an issue. More on that particular matter in another post to come.

Overheard

Speaking of a girl who just had an ectopic pregnancy: "That's what she gets for telling everyone about the pregnancy that early!" (Yes - because God punishes you for excitement and not being a deathly terrified infertile.)

"All I'm saying is that when you stop trying so hard, you start to focus on yourself more and take care of yourself better. THAT'S why so many people get pregnant when they stop trying or go to adopt." (This from a woman who had a little trouble due to PCOS for a few months, went on Met and "fell" pregnant the second month on it. Very wise no?)

"Well he's a good color. It's nice that he's not SO dark. He's a nice in between and not too dark skinned."
(My elderly neighbor talking about my half Filipino baby. No words.)

Fun Family Stories

*Tonight E was very excited about his book reading. It was past time for him to eat, so I kept showing him his bottle, but he kept pushing it away impatiently and leaning over the arm of the chair for more books. "NO Mommy. READ more! NO sleep!" Then he'd smile delightedly as he smacked the front of the chosen book. The sleepiness eventually won though.

*E has a few pairs of PJs that have animal faces on the feet. These include doggies and monkeys complete with ears. Since he loves to pull his socks off and play with his feet, these little animals get quite a work out. He recently realized that those cool things stuck to his feet actually had faces. Now we frequently see him hug his own foot while saying, "Aaaawawawawawaaaaaaaaaaaw." (That means I'm loving you doggie face - or whatever he's loving at the moment.) Very cute.

*Hub has been working on an extra project lately and not getting enough sleep. On top of that, he has some nasty allergies that prevent a quality snooze. I often bug him to try to get more rest. The other day we were getting in the car with the baby when I realized that I had forgotten the diaper bag. He said, "I'll get it," and ran back in the house.

The bag was just in the living room already packed, but it took him a few minutes to emerge. He opened the door and tossed a bag in to me. I looked at him blankly, waiting for the punch line before saying,

"I need the diaper bag honey."

"Yeeeeeah," he said, and indicated the bag he had handed me.

"No honey, the diaper bag. I need some of his other things." The bag he had handed me did indeed have a few diapers and a bottle in it, but that was all.

"What?? Do you want a HUGE bag?"

"Um, no, just the diaper bag."

"You want the big backpack thing for daycare???" he asked incredulously.
I stared at him blankly some more, my mind whirring for the right answer.

Finally I said, "Honey, this is NOT the diaper bag."
"Yes it is."
Complete bafflement.
"Um, nooooo. It's my LUNCH bag. My ORANGE lunch bag that you had to actually put baby supplies in to bring out. My lunch bag that has lunch stuff IN it."

He stared at me, perplexed, for a moment.

"Honey, I need the silver, small diaper bag that is always packed."

I finally saw the light dawn in his eyes. Then we laughed with the slightest edge of concern before fixing the problem and going on our way. I'm thinking I probably shouldn't have been OK with him being the driver.

Moral of the story: He figured out that he's sleep deprived, and that I'm not just bugging him for nothing.

No More Milk

E had his last bottle with my milk in it on Tuesday. it had gotten to the point where it was taking me two days to get 3 or 4 ounces, and it just wasn't worth the time anymore. I still use some of my milk for cereal and such sometimes, but he's doing well with the formula. He is so obviously the driver in this plan, that it doesn't really bother me at all. Sometimes I miss the closeness, but he's a lovey bug, so I get it in other ways. He also snuggles pretty well when I feed him his bottle and sometimes wants only me to do it, so it's not so different.

I kind of miss that amazing ability, but to be honest, I feel free in a way too!

9 Month Letter to Babybutt

Dear E,

You are now 9 mos old. (How does it happen??) Three months to go until that big year birthday! I don't know how Mommy's heart can take it. You are even more the light of my life than before. I didn't know it was possible for my love for you to keep growing. It was already so huge that it knocked me for a loop. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to burst with it. I think it's safe to say that Daddy feels the same.

You are still shy and sensitive, but growing more bold with time. When something's too much, you turn your face to my shoulder and grip me hard. That's how we know it's time to back it down. I love that you trust us so much. You rarely cry with us and seem to completely trust that we will fix whatever is wrong. You are ever so patient even when hungry, tired or dirty (which you HATE.) It still takes you some time to warm up to people, but it's not as scary for you. You fix them with "the look" for a few minutes. If they pass the test, that blindingly beautiful smile comes out. Can I just be a biased Mommy for a minute and tell you how many people have complimented you on your beautiful smile and adorable face? I think you'll have the power to be a charmer, but the sensitivity to use it wisely and kindly.

You finally try to crawl and pull yourself up! You've just now decided that it's something you'd like to accomplish. I think you've realized that's the only way you'll ever get those wires from which Mommy and Daddy so meanly hold you back. You're a big fan of opening drawers, but not a fan of peas, black beans or avocado.

Dancing is ever so fun, and you wiggle on your butt or feet when we say, "Dance dance baby!" You do it when music is playing as well. You still hate loud noises like packing tape sounds, but are lovey as ever. Your big new loving thing is to say "aaaaawwww" and pat us on the arm, leg, chest - whatever is handy. You pat me a lot. Daddy always says, "Good Mommy" as if I'm a puppy. It's pretty cute.

And man are you SMART! You really connect with us, try to figure out how things work and understand so many words. You love books even more than you did before and want to read often. You still turn the pages as you did from about 5 months on, but now if I show you 2, 3, 4 or even more books and say, "which one?" you pat the book you want to read. If you don't like the choices, you turn to look over the arm of the rocking chair where a more palatable choice may linger. I love reading to you. Mommy and Daddy love books, so it's pretty cool that you do too.

By the way, everything you see suddenly HAS to be the baby's. It's sometimes challenging to keep you from harm, but you are so very good about it when we turn you away from something. At most you fuss for a few seconds. I really can't complain. I have a wonderful baby.

Daddy is fond of saying that how beautiful you are is such a shock to the eyes after he's been away from you, and it's true. You are physically beautiful, no doubt, but your little soul shines so brightly for us, and the love that we all share is just a gorgeous thing. When that's all combined, it's almost overwhelming for your two humble little parents.

Love you forever and ever and ever,
M

Friday Night Leftovers

• Yeah, so I finally got my butt in gear. What of it?
• Note that I am also way late. Even if I do it, I can't do it right.
  
• We figured out that little man is afraid of the dark. If we have enough light coming into the room, he sleeps (with a few little wake ups where he babbles) from about 7:30 until about 5:30. Then he wants some milk and goes back to sleep until 7 or 8 am. If we don't, he wakes up crying multiple times. Yes, we are spoiled right now. However, please see previous anguished no sleep posts.
  
• We had another baby and his Mama visit last weekend. E was afraid of him. He clutched me and cried if I put him down. He finally got used to it and played some. Then we had fun.
  
• I think it's because it wasn't the lovely Elizabeth or SoBee.
• Jen should not have moved away. (I need to make her feel guilty multiple times a week.)
• I think I may have ovulated. Progesterone does a body good. God it feels good to be ME again.
• My physicality is coming back. So I'm really NOT a lazy sack of potatoes! The last year or so had me convinced that was my default setting.
• Any ideas on cheap/easy baby costumes? E has to enjoy his first Halloween!
• The car broke down completely this week. Luckily we are able to have it fixed. This one is paid off. We did NOT want to have a new car payment.
• Nursing is completely and totally done. E says, "NO Mama!" And it's cool! I still get about 4 oz a day for bottle feeding, and I do it because I'm a cheapskate. Formula is pricey!
• Remind me to tell you a really cute baby story in its own post.
  
• Please see below termite concerns and help a girl out with some info!
  

Termites???

Sooo... a few weeks ago I thought I found a termite. I did not keep said bug, but called Terminix for an inspection. They found nothing, but offered their protection service for $800. We waited because... well.. $800.

This past weekend I found another bug that looked to be a termite (a swarmer.) I called a different company. They came out and saw nothing, but this time I had kept the bug. The man said it had very termite characteristics, but was like no other termite he's ever seen around here. He also said it's the wrong time for swarmers, and that I should have seen 100's or 1000's of them, not 2. He saw nothing alarming around the house at all, but also recommended protection system for $700.

The first company would use Sentricon, the second - Termidor. I know it's probably a matter of time before termites find our house (concrete block, but plenty of wood here and there to keep them busy.) Please - hit me with the advice! From what could be happening termite wise, to whether we treat now or not, to which system to use, to which company is best. Oh, and our car died. No one knows what's wrong with it. Joy.

I know I can count on you internets!

How that sleep thing worked out for us...

Dear People Who Would Say I Was "Ruining" My Baby for Sleep:

We did what worked for our family. We followed our baby's lead and listened to his cues. We have never let him "cry it out." We let him "complain" once he was old enough to know the difference, but if he cries in distress, even if it's because he needs a hug, we go to him. We put him in the crib fast asleep if we needed to. It didn't seem to make a difference to how he awoke. I nursed him to sleep frequently until he was about 6 months old. I rocked him when he seemed to need it. We bed shared almost exclusively at night and often during the day for the first 4 months and then off and on for the next 2 or 3.

And guess what? That very same baby is now very well adjusted, happy and good natured. He falls asleep on his own almost every single nap and bed time. He let me know when rocking didn't work for him anymore in a pretty expressive way. We gave him opportunities to sleep in his crib and gave him lots of play time in there, and he also let us know pretty decidedly when he was ready to sleep there first for part of the night and then for all of it. He also naps 1-3 hours at a time without crying and usually sleeps 8 hours at a time, with another 3 to follow. He doesn't wake up crying. He wakes up talking and happy. We let him play for a little while before greeting him with smiles all around.

The main reason it was difficult with him in the beginning was because we felt like we were doing something "wrong" by bed sharing. We felt like we had to "train" him better. All the books said so! All our neighbors said so! Hell even our first doctor "said so." But it just didn't work. All those things we were "supposed" to do? They failed painfully. All those things we "shouldn't have done?" They worked beautifully. As long as we bed shared, nursed to sleep and comforted him, all was peaceful. Of course we tried to give him opportunities and help to transition to less dependent patterns, but we tried not to push too hard. And you know what? I liked it. Take that internet. I admit it. I LIKED sleeping with my baby. I liked easing his cries immediately. I liked rocking him with his warm body pressed to my chest. It made us both feel complete.

And now all is well. He has NONE of the lingering "bad habits" most of the books, people, internet sites, medical "experts" etc have said he would have. We must have done something right. And even if he did have lingering habits, is that because we did something horribly wrong? Probably not. Every baby is different, and we do what's right for our family. I'm not saying the way we did it is THE right way - far from it. I'm saying it was the right way for us. And a giant raspberry to anyone who thinks they have the tailor made answer for every child. We are living proof that it doesn't work that way.

Sincerely,
One happy and loving mother to a beautiful, perfect baby boy

Trying to be Better Prepared

Look at this! Two people who saved my sanity in the infant months teaming up to save my sanity later? I am all for it!

People Watching on a Sunday Morning

Okay, so it's Monday now, but at least it's only a day late! When I went out to the grocery store Monday morning, through a combination of luck and better observation skills due to my bright eyed state, I had the most interesting interactions and people watching I've had in a long time. I only spent a total of maybe 10 minutes in the store, but my time there went like this.

The water from our tap is disgusting. It tastes like chlorine and sulfur. Our house is also old. Therefore, we've decided that it's much safer and more tasty to just buy our water and be done with it. As luck would have it, our grocery store has a purified water dispenser where you can refill your jugs for just a fraction of the cost of buying regular bottled water. We have some of our most interesting conversations at this water cooler, and this Sunday was no exception.

As I stood there, waiting for the bottles to fill, I saw a man who had to be approaching 90 at the coffee machine. His trucker hat and vest were covered in pins, and he wore a large decorative necklace that looked to be some sort of gold bird. He noticed my glance and said , "Don't drink that stuff, you're gonna get drunk!"

I laughed politely and murmured something about that being a pretty cheap drink these days. After looking askance at me he said, "Are you under 40?"

I eyed him with confusion and said, "Yeeesss."

"Did I ask you that already?"

"Nope."

"I haven't asked you? Oh, ok. Well good then, you've had your small pox vaccination."

I was a bit confused but said, "Yes, that's a good thing."

He went on. "You know, I was responsible for eradicating small pox. I was the first scientist on the team. I spent time in Africa. I was in Nigeria... Lagos and in Ghana. (He muttered other places here I didn't catch.) My children were raised in Ghana and Nigeria. Then I went to Vietnam. I volunteered at 51. But I was so afraid that I took my wife along to protect me (chuckle). While we were there, she worked for the CIA."

At this point, he started walking by me slowly, but continued with me fitting in the correct wows, assertions and head nods.

"She left me 3 and a half years ago." By his body language and tone, I correctly interpreted "left" as "passed away."

He sighed and continued, "She was a good woman. She never complained. Even when she beat me, she never complained." He chuckled heartily at his joke. "We were married 67 years. I miss her."

I expressed my condolences and he shook himself to begin with a heartier tone, "I come here to walk the aisles! I walk every aisle! After my knee surgery and my second heart attack, I needed to walk. So I come here to walk the aisles."

I told him that was an excellent idea just as his attention was caught by a man probably in his 50's who was walking toward us. The older man called out merrily, "Hello young man! How are you?"
The younger man replied and struck up a conversation about the older man's necklace (apparently from Africa, just like the ones all his kids have) and engaged him even more. As I was turning to leave, I heard the older man say, "So how old are you?"

I don't know how much of his stories were true or exaggeration. I imagine some of it was exaggerated since one of the things I heard him tell the second man was that he was once the strongest man in Hawaii and benched pressed 1000 pounds. But that didn't matter. It was a wonderful conversation. He was a fascinating person, and it felt good to talk with a lonely, friendly old man about his life. I found myself wishing I had engaged him even more and asked more questions as I walked away, but I was in a hurry to get back to my baby. I thought to myself, "I want to know his whole story. I would love to write down his whole story." The writer in me was turned on in a way it hasn't been for months. I wish I had at least gotten his name...

____________________________________________

The people watching aspect of this story followed shortly after. As I was leaving, I saw a woman rush up to the cashier to buy a last minute thing. Her upper arms were so thin they were smaller than her elbows. Her thighs were so skinny they were smaller than her knees. She appeared fragile, shaky, delicate. She was pretty in a very sharp way. Her cheek bones were prominent, especially with her tight pony tail. I remember wondering about her appearance.

On her dash to the door, I saw her meet up with a man who appeared to be her significant other. She skidded to a stop as she noticed the large, grocer scale standing just inside the doorway and started to step up on it. The look in the man's eyes immediately turned desperate, and he tried to turn. She grabbed his arm and said, "Come on! I want to go home!" I thought it was an odd thing to say, but then wondered if she meant she couldn't go home until she weighed herself?

She got her way and stepped on the scale, and the man looked utterly defeated. I left before I heard anymore, but saw them making their way down the sidewalk as I pulled out. She was walking briskly, and he was trying to grab her grocery bag to carry it for her. She wouldn't let him take it entirely, so he held half of it, and they carried it together.

Again, I wondered about their story. Is she battling an eating disorder? Is he feeling like it will never end? His actions toward her, though desperate, seemed tender. Is she getting better or worse? Is it something else entirely? Will they get through it? It was sad but fascinating and a beautiful piece of human story in a way. Yup, the writer in me was out full force that day.

Bullets... again

• I apologize to Danifred. If I was capable of organization, this would be Friday Night Leftovers.
• After some pretty heavy stuff, I'm going to attempt to change my attitude and be upbeat more often. Stay tuned.
• In the same vein as the aforementioned, Hub and I are going to try to move toward Hub working from home with his own business, while I continue to work full time. ANY ADVICE WELCOME. So far we just have "saving lots of money in the savings account," as an agenda.
• Something that HELPS the aforementioned: I PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOAN THE OTHER DAY! WAHOO! That sucker has been an albatross around my neck for quite a while.
• I like the word "aforementioned." I don't even know if I'm using it correctly.
  
• E is really rather eh about solids. Is this normal?
• Fun interactions post coming later.
  
• The Amazing Race starts tonight!!
  

Oh What a Beautiful Morning.

I woke up feeling like myself this morning! It was damn good. We took a walk in the morning cool (ish) air. That was damn good until the sauna* washed in. We picked flowers, admired (and tried to eat) pretty red leaves and patted and loved on each other. That was the best.

I also had the most fascinating interactions and people watching experiences at the grocery store first thing this morning. Apparently Sunday mornings are a gold mine for interesting. And since I felt so much like myself, I came home and immediately wrote down all I could remember so I can write about it later. It's nap time now. Woot! Don't get all beside yourself with suspense. I know all 3 of you are shivering with excitement.

Loves,
FCiF

*Remind me sometime to tell you about the man who wanted to have an outdoor sauna put in the home he was building so that he could move to Florida. Yeeeaaah.

More on Co-Sleeping

This is some fascinating bed sharing and co-sleeping information from Dr. Sears. I was nodding my head as I recognized so many of the issues and thoughts he presents. I particularly liked how he mentions that they found out so many other couples had used bed sharing as well because I've found the same in my life. I wish "current" medical professionals could get past their generally intense bias against this practice and work together to find out how beneficial it could be, how it can be done safely and how to support parents who choose it. My current doctor does a wonderful job with this. I believe having 6 children has given him an insight not a lot of other people have.

Such a Better Day

I had a pretty bad couple of days this week. Then, in the middle of the day today it's like something just went "click!" in my brain, and it was better. I swear, hormones have to be playing a messy part in all this. It was literally that quick. In the span of a half an hour, I felt like laughing and joking, and I was confident to be myself again. No wallowing or sadness. One thing I did do differently today was that I tried to be very cautious about what I ate. I tried to act more like I would if I was on Metformin again. I remembered that my moods evened out a LOT on the Met, so I thought it was worth a try. Oh the confusion.

Can sugar highs and lows really do that to your body?

Love is...

...a warm comfy home where loved ones wait.

Sleepy, Sad, Snippy

Why do I react so very harshly to interrupted sleep? Why, oh why? I'm almost ready for my cycles to start up again. I need some progesterone in my system. Sigh.

Things That Make Me Go Hmmm...

It's funny to me that many of the books I've read and people I've talked to caution that you really should put the baby monitor away after a certain point, yet those same books and people remind you incessantly that SIDS is a constant danger and while it diminishes greatly after 6 months, it's still a possibility up to 2 years of age!*


*Wow. That's a long sentence.

Good Day and a Mini-Rant

We had a fabulous day today. My theory that more sleep would help me cope was borne out as I was much happier after a full stretch of 6 hours last night! Granted, much of the problem lies with me as I've started trying to do things on my own after he's gone to bed and sometimes take it too far. I really need to be in bed by 8:30 or 9pm to get enough sleep during the work week, but man, it's nice to get stuff done too!

Wow, do I digress. Anyway, we both had good sleep, plus we had a play date. We went to the library for E's very first story time with some other Mommies. He had a blast watching the other kids and flirting with an elderly library volunteer. It was adorable.

Next we met up at Chik Fil A where E grinned at everyone, I had a chicken sandwich, and we shared the fruit cup. Apples are just the bestest if you didn't know. E was so beside himself with excitement, he could hardly bring himself to drink his milk.

We stopped by our local Catholic Church (side rant at the end), before coming home for Mommy and Baby nap time. Then we played together until he let me know he was ready for bed at 7, and he actually nursed! I also had a good talk with a friend about some things that had been bothering me. It was a good day all around.


Rant: Can I just say that as a non-Catholic married to a Catholic that sometimes it's very hard not to be just a little frustrated with the way the Church works? I have done everything I can to not stand in the way of Hub's faith, to agree to attend Mass more than I've attended Protestant services, to have our marriage blessed and all that entails. It sometimes makes me feel unappreciated when it's just assumed everything we do has to be Catholic, as if my background doesn't matter. Having E baptised in the Church is proving to be more difficult than I ever imagined it should or could be. Shouldn't gaining a member (especially a baby) be a good thing? And inside, a part of me yearns to have him baptised in the manner I was, but that's not the agreement. Hub would be ok with it, but his family would not. My family is open thank goodness.

Disclaimer: I am not putting down the Catholic faith - merely expressing my frustrations.

Food Meme

I stole this from Oro at Birch and Maple who got it from the Very Good Taste Blog. I can never resist food fun. I didn't want to strike out ones I'd never consider though. I'm a rule breaker I am!
Disclaimer: Some of these things I don't eat anymore and some I HATE even though I've tasted them.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear (yum!)
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle (oh my PA Dutch heritage.. mmmmmmmm)
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine (Yum again. With a Canadian Hub, how could I have NOT had it?)
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky (the Filipino relatives would disown me otherwise. :)
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare (as in rabbit?? then rabbit yes, hare no. If it's something else, then no. :)
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Bits

• My baby has learned to choose which book he wants to read. Friggin adorable.
• Hub finally went to an allergy specialist! HURRAY! Turns out he's really allergic to lots of stuff. Who knew. :p
• Dear Starbucks - Please put more pumpkin and less coffee in your lattes. Thank you.
• I do believe being tired is a large part of my problem. Another large factor is that there was so much change in my life right when the huge change that was becoming a mother occurred. Now I feel a bit lost and without much of a nearby support system.
• Speaking of tired - E has decided to start waking up a lot at night again. bleh.
• E has started patting us a lot when he's happy. The other day he was patting around my head and face - patting quite excitedly. His finger when up my nostril. There was blood.
• Thank you for all the advice! Goodwill near rich people sounds perfect. All I've seen near me are ghetto ones... hmmm....
  

Thank You Hub

Thank you for...

• Refilling the hand soap all the time.
• Trying to replace and fix things around the house with a positive spirit.
• Lending a hand every time you see me embroiled in a hard task.
• Putting the food away after dinner so many times when I'm just beat and ignore it.
• Making sure the boys are taken care of.
• Loving that baby and me so well and making sure we know it.
• Doing most of your laundry.
• Straightening up sometimes.
• Keeping an eye on me and helping me keep track of important things like my keys and checkbook. (I notice that you put my keys in the right spot when I've forgotten. :)
• Basically just helping to keep my spirits up and my head screwed on right.
• Telling me what a good Mommy I am all the time and reinforcing E for loving on me.
  
• Writing me the sweetest note I've ever gotten from anyone.
  

I'm sure there are some I missed, but see, I do notice.

Love you,
B

When I was Normal

In an attempt to remember who I am and what is possible, I read through my "happy times" tag. It made me misty eyed for that confident girl who wrote well thought out posts. I want her back. Wouldn't it be wonderful to couple that attitude with this amazing new joy? That's why I'm in therapy.

This is a good representation of what I want to have again.

Birth

Mel had a post up recently talking about how John Le Carre compared writing a book to having a baby. I agree that it was a stupid statement.

However, what I want to share and have in my blog forever are her poignant words on how she actually felt birthing her children.

I had my heart literally explode to the outside of my body, as if she was pulling out my internal organs with her -- both figuratively and literally. I cried and screamed and the incessant worrying began -- never pausing even though she is now 6-years-old -- twisting my body to see her, to hear her Apgar scores, to fret about where she was in relation to my throbbing body, still prone on the table, waiting for her twin brother to join her.

YES Mel. Thank you for putting it into the words I could not.

Mothering and Daily Life Suggestions Please

1. For those of you who have a baby and work, but have very little in the way of non-work related friends and family around you, what do you do when the baby can't go to daycare for whatever reason? I'm currently stuck on the having to call in train.

2. When you can smell that your kiddo took a little poo during the night, do you wake them up to change them or just wait until they awaken?

3. Thrift store shopping pointers please? Not a lot of money can be spared for the new wardrobe I need. Though the poundage is back to normal, the shapage is not.

4. In the same vein - suggestions on good post baby jeans? I did buy a decent pair of Mossimo ones on clearance at Target for $8 (woot!), but they are more of a bought-them-because-of-the-price-and-they-actually-fit pair than a really good investment. Incidentally, I also bought a shirt for $2. Due to the aforementioned rearrangement of my fatty bits, I look like a middle aged woman trying to play sexy teenager in most of my old shirts.

5. For those of you who became stay at home or part-time working Moms... could you please tell me how you did it and managed? Our hugely looming problem by far is health care, so I'm particularly interested in those of you who bought your own policies etc.

First Words!

OK, so aside from the debatable Mum, Mama and Dada, E just said his first word! Remember that he loves the Elephant Song, and that the rooster is one of his favorite animals in it. Now picture us reading The Very Busy Spider. I'll have you know he chose that one specifically of the two I held up. (Thank you Auntie Jen!). He is helping to turn the pages as always and keeps going back to certain pages he loves. One of those pages has a rooster on it. It reads, "Cock a doodle doo! says the rooster. Want to catch a pesty fly?" I always say Cock a doodle doo in the same sing song, high pitched tone. Ewan started whispering, "Doooo, dooo!" in the same tone. I kept repeating myself. Soon he was saying, "Kuh doo dooooo, Kuh doo doooo!" The "kuh" was more of a breath with a k sound at the beginning, but the doooos were unmistakable.

It's completely friggin adorable. Who woulda thunk that Cock a doodle doo would be the first "word" going in his baby book.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

When you sprawl across my chest, your hot little cheek pressed to my collarbone, I feel whole. I am home. Your light is the brightest thing in my existence.

M

First Session

My first session went really well. Like everyone else, she is also in love with FavoriteOB. She is also a therapist who seems very competent. (Unlike non-Dr. B) I felt very comfortable with her, and I think this just might help. Just knowing that I have these sessions in my back pocket takes a big weight off my shoulders. We'll call her L from now on.

L started by getting to know me like I feel most anyone would. She asked lots of questions and inserted a few pearls of wisdom. She told me that this is very common and very treatable. She also asked if I had any family here (no), very many non-work friends nearby as support (no), or if it was possible for me to work part-time (no). These are all things I have imagined would help me greatly as well, so she gets points for getting the obvious. It's astounding sometimes how many people don't.

She also got points with me for pulling out a lot of the psychology stuff I remember from school and have used in my job. I know it's obvious she should know that stuff better than I do, but again, remember Non-Dr. B.

She has said we will do this in little steps. So far she's brought up what I've felt I had difficulty dealing with. She's concerned about my self-esteem and thinks I'm probably suffering from separation anxiety from E as part of the issues. She also figures I have an anxiety disorder partly genetic as my Mom suffers from great anxiety and partly situational. She says they pretty much usually just snowball, so it's good to get help younger like I am.

My homework right now is to stop asking "what if," and live in the now. It's also to ask myself if there is real evidence of the bad things I think of my situation and me. For example, "So and so might not respect me." Have they said they don't respect me? If not, then don't worry about it. However, I have had people tell me they respect that I juggle full time work and mothering. I have evidence of that respect, so I should focus on that as a truth.

She has counseled patience, with which I often struggle. It will take time, but I already feel like things are heading in the right direction.

No Nap!

An angry baby is currently yelling/fake crying at me that he would like to NOT NAP please. This is a new development. I blame Elizabeth for putting ideas into his little head.

PCOS - the syndrome full of surprises

See that? At first glance, you may think that's a photo of a man's male pattern baldness. But nope, that's my head. Notice the new little wispy hair growth though? That growth wasn't always there. I noticed it not long after I gave birth to E because I thought how funny it was that it resembled how his hair started to come back in after his first hair loss. At the time I just assumed it was regrowth of hair I lost post partum. But now upon further reflection I realize I never had hair there. I used to have such a bad widow's peak that I was embarrassed to pull my hair back and had to arrange my side bangs just so to cover the bald spot. I thought it was a genetic thing that I developed as an adult. Now I think that it's good old PCOS rearing her stupid bitch head again. I had read that women diagnosed with it sometimes had hair loss issues usually reserved for men due to wacky hormone levels, but never thought about it applying to me. I speculate that 9.5 months of pregnancy and 8 months of breast feeding have allowed my cysty, crusty ovaries to catch a break, thus reducing the level of androgens in my body, THUS allowing me to get a more decent hair line back!

Now I cry to think it's probably only short lived. Ah well. I'll just glory in it for now. Stupid effing syndrome.