Surprised

...that out of so many people at work who tried to breastfeed, so many were unsuccessful or went to pumping only or stopped quickly. It brings home just how difficult it can be. The only reason we are at all successful is because of very sensible support from so many with solutions that included formula, nipple shields and lots of hand holding. Sometimes if you tell women that "breast is best" and they need to push through it no matter what, you just lose it all. Let me never forget how difficult it was so I can be supportive of others.

Parenting Style

Anyone who knows E well knows that he's not exactly an "easy" baby. He's happy, charming, and sweet, and sensitive, and beautiful, but not really easy. For my part, my hormones have not exactly allowed me to adapt easily to our new situation either. I'm over the moon about my baby, but fatigue, type A personality and hormone surges knock me on my rear. And just as I was starting to really get my feet under me, full time work came barging in and turned me back on my ear. Add to that the fact that daycare was a very stressful situation at first, and you have a perfect storm of tired, cranky, crazy Barb. (By the way, daycare insisted he had to have colic, or acid reflux or we were just bad parents. Never mind that it was his first full - 12 hr - day in a new situation).

This baby just loves being with people. He loves cuddling and holding. It's definitely not colic because he is just fine at home being loved by Mommy and Daddy. He's also slow to warm up to new situations and new people. He has to know his surroundings to be completely comfortable. I guess that's a little code for he can be screamy if he is out of his element or routine. One of our biggest problems at the moment is that though we follow all the "right" suggestions to putting E down to sleep... waiting until he's sleepy but awake, making sure he sees his surroundings, white noise... I can't remove MYSELF from the situation. I can't lay him down in the crib from afar. Thus, he SEES me. I stay there a while and soothe him back to sleep, but when he wakes up a half an hour later, and I'm no longer there, he cries. This baby's biggest motivation is being held and being with Mom and Dad. Tell me how you fix THAT without stress oh mighty experts.

And it's so great to get to work or see the random person who can detail to me just how Hub and I created a baby who is sensitive and loves extra attention. And in comes some of my biggest annoyances, quite clearly laid out by Jen in this post.

In reality, I very much feel that our parenting style evolved around this baby's personality. If you've followed this blog at all, you see how I've struggled with the decisions we knew were right for us as a family but that we were always told and felt were the wrong thing to do. Co-sleeping is against what I always thought. I never imagined myself a "crunchy" parent, but judging by the nurse's horror at our pediatrician, that's exactly how we've turned out. But it's been guided by this sweetness. I've always had a personality similar to what it seems E has, and I remember vividly how it felt for people to feel they had to use tough love to make me stop being that way. Needless to say, it didn't work. It just created more neuroses and self doubt than I already had. We've noticed that with E, the more comfort and reassurance we give him, the more relaxed and calm he has become. So we are still using a combo of co-sleeping and sleeping away from us when it works, and so far he has been building on his sleeping confidence.

And that's our end goal and our happiness - a contented, loved baby and happy family.

p.s. Can I note that I am so extremely delighted with Hub's support and that he and I are on the exact same page with doing what our hearts tell us to do with this baby? And he's so sensible about it. Couldn't do it without his support. Love you babe.

Brief

The overwhelmed is very attached to the tired. I'm feeling better after having some tea and a can of Coke. Go me. It's nice that the weekend is upon us as well. More intelligent posts soon I hope.

Tired

Incredibly tired. Overwhelmed with what I'm not doing but trying to be more laid back. In love with daycare provider. Details later. Desperately wish to work part time.

The Things that Save My Life

1. My glider (thanks Stepmom!)
2. Baby chairs (Thanks Jen and Sis!)
3. Nipple shields (don't need them anymore though!)
4. Changing pad (sorry Jen. I have to disagree with you on this one. I LOVE it)
5. Bloggy friends and followers (LOVE YOU!)
6. bottle warmer (Thanks Kaybee!)
7. Swing (Thanks Kaybee!)
8. Pack n play
9. new dishwasher (Thanks Hubby!)
10. Hub (Love you forever)
11. Sleep sack (because I don't have to worry that blankets will strangle the baby)
12. Snap n go stroller (Thanks Heath!)
13. Baby Bjorn (Thanks Heath and Calli!)
14. Various "friends" and distractions for E. (Thanks to LOTS of people!)
p.s. Jen - E has discovered rings!

Soon I plan to do my favorite products.

The Big Turnaround

Can you tell I'm back to work? No time!

Daycare is going fabulously. I love his new caretaker, and E seems to love her too. And can I say that though I always felt I had an awesome husband, he has become the father that every woman dreams her man could be. Or at least he's what I always dreamed of. He deserves so many pats on the back, I will never be able to show him enough.

The night before last E slept for 8 hours straight! The downside is that I woke up in a literal pool of breast milk. I usually rely on the kid to help me with that.

All Bright And Cheery

• I feel lonely, overwhelmed and on the brink of depressed lately. I need other mommies...and sleep.
  
• Withdrew from bad daycare, but they are making me pay for the next 2 wks anyway. No choice. He can't go back.
• My baby won't sleep deeply during the day at all anymore = stress for all. Help?!
• Hub got some good news. At least that's something.
• Medical bills + daycare crap = stressful finances
  

Daycare and Hub

Daycare - not good. He isn't assigned to those ladies I like. And when I say not good, I mean terrible - from administration to classroom. Working on a new solution.

In the kudos to Hub world, remember how he was working on a huge outside project during my pregnancy? Well he was offered a similar thing again recently and TURNED IT DOWN for us. If you couldn't tell by the caps, that is huge. And I feel absolutely terrible about it because it's his dream and passion, but the timing couldn't have been worse. Hopefully when E gets bigger, he'll get another shot because I really do want this for him,

E is Born Part 3

Why so many parts you may ask? Well, it's because I would like to remember it all. It's already getting hazy, so I have to get on this more...

So up we go to labor and delivery. I no longer remember any time schedule, and to tell you the truth, I don't even know if I was aware of the time then. There were so many things to occupy my already struggling brain. I know I lay in that bed from darkness to light to darkness again.

My first nurse was very nice. She brought an anesthesiologist in, and we discussed whether I would be having an epidural or not. E's heart rate kept stuttering during contractions, so they said they wanted me hooked up to the monitors at all times. I didn't necessarily agree, but I'm not a medical professional and was worried about my baby. The only way I was going to try to labor without drugs was if I could move through it. Since I was dilating so slowly and wouldn't be able to do that, I decided on an epidural. I was also afraid since I had been having high blood pressure incidents when exhausted during pregnant, that the same thing would happen during labor if I didn't get some rest. And the contractions were painful enough that I was not going to rest. In fact, I had started to feel them in my back. I had dreaded the possibility of "back labor," so when they suggested that may be it, I completely denied that was possible.

The anesthesiologist that gave me the epi was so sweet. She sounded a lot like my Filipino mother-in-law, and that was comforting at such an uncertain time. However, the process itself was not painless (for me) as I had been told. The pressure itself was extremely uncomfortable to me. On top of that, the lidocaine must not have been quite right because I felt a sharp jab when she was inserting the catheter. I jumped and caused both Hub and I to worry about paralyzing myself. Nice. I also rubbed that poor nurse's arm raw in my anxiety.

But once it started working? Ooooh blessed relief. I could move my legs and feel them some, but nothing hurt; the perfect epidural they told me. The best thing about it? I could no longer feel the cervix checks. It was about this time that my favorite nurse of my stay came in - Aubrey. She brought me the most delicious grape juice I ever tasted, gave me oxygen, and broke it to me that since I was still only 5 cm dilated, that we'd have to talk Pitocin. We were also going to need to start thinking about IV antibiotics since my water broke so early. (2 more dreadeds - coming true!) All through this time my most darling FavoriteOB (not on call :( ) was calling to check on me and relay messages of support through Aubrey. Have I ever mentioned how I adore that man? And from the sound of it, so does the rest of that hospital.

Anyway, we went ahead with both treatments, and Hub and I plugged in earphones and got some sleep. We went on a Pitocin yo-yo ride from then on. I'd progress rapidly. They'd back it off. Then I'd stall. At one point, we were sure we'd have a baby by 2pm, then by 5pm, then we stopped guessing. Sadly, Aubrey's shift ended, I got a second dose of antibiotics and got a little lost in the shuffle. I started to feel more pain - then a little more. I pushed my "extra dose" button for the first time in over 20 hours. I told the random nurses who were covering the gap. They didn't believe me. I longed for Aubrey.

Finally I was assigned 2 more nurses. I assume one was learning as she seemed hopelessly clueless. An equally green anesthesiologist came in and - how surprising!! - noted that there was no more medicine in the epi bag! Shocking that the patient has a clue! Too bad she took the time to chat with the nurses before refilling my bag. By that time, I was feeling almost everything.

The 2 nurses who came in spent a lot of time gossiping about Aubrey and anyone else they could think of as if labor causes one to become deaf. They paid little attention... so little in fact that they often didn't hear me when I told them a contraction was coming and Hub had to call for them. But I'm getting ahead of myself. They checked me and by this time I was 9.5 cm dilated. (you need to get to 10.) There was a little lip of cervix covering his head that just wouldn't move, so they tried to get me to move to all kinds of positions to work it out. It took hours. My grandmother was there to see me, but waited and waited and waited.

There was no doubt that I was in back labor and that he was probably face up by this time. Finally, we found a position that moved the cervix and it was time to push at around 7pm. I was exhausted.

I think one more part about labor, and then one about the aftermath, and I'll be done. Shooting for finishing in under a month. haha.

New Developments in the World of E

Seemingly overnight last week, E's visual acuity increased dramatically. Suddenly the world was AMAZING! Hub's chip bag? Beautiful! The folds in the couch? Fascinating! The spiral on Mommy's notebook? Splendorous!

Unfortunately, it also means as he's trying to fall asleep, there is just sooo much to look at. Add that to, "I'm too interested in the world to take a nap," and we've been having some difficulties with that lately.

One more day of uninterrupted loveliness with my baby boy before I hand him over. :( I'm ok by day, sometimes a little panicky at night.

Bla bla bla

• I was wrong. The bills are STILL rolling in, and our out of pocket is actually $3000 since there are 2 of us now. It's getting old... I do believe we may hit that amount.
• Every time I go in to daycare there are crying babies because it's just not possible that there won't be with 2 people to 8 infants. However, yesterday it was our baby, and it was so sad. Tears and snot were rolling down his red face, and he was so upset.
  
• When he saw me and I picked him up, he looked so relieved. I wanted to cuddle him forever.
• I'm tired.
• The tired doesn't stop does it?
• Going back to work is going to be haaaard.
• Although my baby just started sleeping at least 5 hours for the first part of the night! Last night was over 6!
• Too bad mommy still sleeps with one eye open.
• The end.
  

Guilt

E's at daycare again. It's much harder the second time. I think I was just all pumped up for the first time. Plus, the lady I dropped him off with wasn't as sweet, loving and reassuring as they were yesterday. I hope he's ok. It's his nap time, and they tend to just lay them down and expect them to sleep. I hope they rock him if he's crying. My poor little lovey.

When I got him back yesterday, he was much more subdued and detached than usual. I'm assuming he was just overloaded. I felt really badly. Then last night he let out a few shrieks in his sleep, but calmed when he saw me. Of course I imagined it was him having nightmares about being left in daycare. Ah the guilt. We pick him up at 3 today. Hurry clock! Going to work is going to suck big hairy balls.

Daycare

After a rough night post shots, my baby was smiling at me this morning, so I decided to take him for his first transition day of daycare. He will be going for 4 hours today and 5 hours tomorrow so we can work him up to a full day instead of just plunging the poor kid (and let's face it, Mom and Dad) into the deep end. I'm so glad because there were so many things to establish today, and I was able to take it slowly and let go when I was ready.

I'm doing surprisingly well, but I think partly because this is one of those Big Things that I am really good at pretending not to worry about. The aftermath of having E was the only Big Thing in my life that hit me so hard that I couldn't pretend at all.

The ladies there were so sweet too. I loved how they talked to the other babies and E. I immediately felt comfortable with them and felt that they knew what they were doing. They thought he was beautiful and called me Mami and him Papi. I just love that. I love how immersed we are in so many Hispanic cultures here. I just love the effusive affection and exuberance that you find with so many Central and South American and Caribbean cultures. They were also shocked that my little chunk wasn't quite 9 weeks old yet. Since coming out of his growth spurt, he's started to really fill out.

And now I'm rambling. And this is one of the signs that this is a Big Thing. I'm going to go pump now before I explode, and then try to focus enough to do the taxes.

Insecurity

Gosh do all the opinions on my parenting make me feel insecure. I don't so much mind well meaning advice, but criticisms and pointed opinions often rattle my very tenuous newly developing confidence as a mother.

And the guilt and worry that comes with parenting? Oy!

2 Months of Love

Happy 2 months E! He now weighs over 11 pounds and measures over 23 inches! ACK! He was completely unhappy because of being woken up at nap time for the appointment to begin with, so the shots were just icing on the cake. I nursed him right after though, and that calmed him a lot. He's been clingy and wanting to nurse constantly ever since. I figure he has a right. That's pretty traumatic for a little dude. His schedule has also been wonky with Sister visiting, so he's a little out of sorts. He's a baby who likes his routine and comfort. (which one doesn't?)

I've decided I'm pretty happy with the pediatrician. The nurse who gave the shots almost got herself clocked though. E was weepy for the aforementioned reasons, and I had just calmed him with the bottle when she startled him with a loud click from the door. He let out a shriek. She said, "What happened?!" I gave her the reason he was grumpy and jumpy. She gave me a stern look, put her hands on her hips and said, "Oh Mama, you've GOT to get him used to noises so he sleeps through them. That's just no good." Perhaps the hate stare I gave her is why she dropped it quickly. First of all, he was not ASLEEP thank you, just eating. And second of all, he sleeps through background noise just fine like most babies. He does not like PUNCTUATED or sharp noises, especially in an unfamiliar situation. And I'm sorry if he's sensitive. I certainly did not try to train him to be that way. Every baby is different and mine is awesome so EFF YOU!

No he did not get his sensitive nature from me. Why do you ask? ;-}

My Twilight Zone Moment

This morning I dropped Sister and nephews off at the airport. (sad face) On the way out, a not so normal looking lady entered the elevator with me and one other gentleman. She had on some whacked out leggings, boots and an interesting gleam in her eye. She said, "Would anyone want to buy a ticket to Jacksonville real cheap? Like $10?" The man and I glanced askance at one another and politely declined. First of all, who sells a ticket for $10? Second of all, you can't transfer a ticket to another person's name. Scam much?

But here's the really interesting bit. Hours later I headed into CVS after my baby's Doctor appointment for some cream for him. As I was approaching the counter, I saw a lady with strange leggings and boots from behind. Oh no. She was asking the cashier if she could use their "courtesy phone." She then had a lot of trouble using it. IT WAS THE EXACT SAME LADY. Keep in mind that we live about 15 minutes from the airport by highway. So so weird. I had to tell the cashier. We commiserated. When I related this to Hub he said, "You watch that baby closely!" Let me tell you, if I see her one more time, I'm going to be really creeped out.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

Giving birth to and caring for you continues to be the hardest thing I've ever done that I love more than anything. You are growing and changing so much every day. You seem to have gained a lot of confidence and independence, and that makes me so glad. On the other hand though, I have to say that with a week to go until I go back to work, I am also so very glad you are the attached, sensitive baby you are. I want it to go easily for you, but I'm so happy I had all that time to hold you, love you and sleep with you before I don't get to be with you every day. Holding your sweet, warm little body while you trail your fingers down my arm or side has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. It's like I'm melting with love.

You are beautiful, wonderful, smart and perfect, and I know you will do well in daycare. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I could see your sweet face every day. The first time you gave me a look that said, "Mom, I'm so happy to see you!" you wrapped me ever more in your charms. Every time you flash that dimple in your left cheek (just like Daddy) you guarantee yourself another future cookie. Keep it up my love. Daddy's the big love of my life. You are the little love of my life, and no one will ever take that spot.

Love,
M

Quick Like

• Hangin' out with Sister, nephews and E. It's hard, but cool. We're like, real grown-ups now. So weird.
• Don't eat a certain frozen pizza brand's pre-sliced 4 cheese and tomato pizza and then nurse your baby. Your milk and he will smell like stinky cheese for days. It's pretty disgusting. It was oozing from his pores.
• I shouldn't have worried about my little nursing monster wanting to give up actual breastfeeding after getting a bottle. He sometimes rejects the bottle Hub is trying to give him and then looks at me with an entreating face and tongue.
  
• In that same note, if you plan to do daycare, make sure you do more than introduce the bottle to the baby so it's not such a shock. Thank goodness we did, or E would have been very upset his first day of daycare!
• Again in the same vein, daycare is about a week away. :( It breaks my heart. I need to work, but about 20-25 hrs a week would be plenty. Too bad the pocketbook doesn't agree.
• Aunt visits soon.
  
• E gets his shots tomorrow. This will also break my heart. Did anyone nurse their baby through them or afterwards? Thoughts on that?