It's cycle day 28. No ovulation. No period. It's just cycle day 28. It's back to the usual for me I guess. it's not even a question of when I'll ovulate, but if. And that is a very big if. So there goes the hope that maybe just by fixing my tsh levels that I'd have a better chance. I really really hope that CE has some good ideas. I'm very suspicious about my prolactin levels; especially since I've heard of other women having problems at levels lower than mine. Ah well. See how much I'm not over my infertility? To think that I'd even hope to ovulate this month is just crazy. At this point, I would just welcome a period before 3 months goes by. That would be nice. (Of course I'll take progesterone to bring it on before then. No worries. I will not deal with those heavy awful periods anymore at least.)
Speaking of not being over my infertility: I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I called quite a few before I found one that may be a fit for me. All I can say is that there must be some bad ones out there. One man I talked to sounded suspiciously like he was talking to me from his home phone, and that I had distracted him from the game or something. On top of that, he was very gruff even while grunting that, "Yeah," he'd counseled people with infertility, "many times." He was just the person to whom I could imagine spilling my emotional guts. The woman I picked sounded very sweet and competent though. Wish me luck!
On the financial and work front, things are settling. We figured out a tolerable solution to our tax dilemma. We may not be able to do the things we need to this year, but we're saved as far as bills and feeding ourselves goes. To that note, I also managed to snag some overtime! Hurray! That should help cover that darn Malabrigo! (Did I mention that I'm in love with that yarn?)
At work, we were able to work on some solutions to some of our team problems, and I helped to orchestrate that. I'm quite proud of myself and only hope that this is the path to better things for us. I really love my job and team, so I desperately want to make it work.
Oh yeah, and for all of you who responded so kindly to my last post, I answered within the comments.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Good, the Bad and the Pretty Darn Beautiful
This weekend was very bittersweet. There was so much to be appreciated amongst so much bad luck. I'll start with the bad.
We recently found out that our real estate taxes went up more than they had estimated they would. On top of that, our mortgage company did not take enough out for escrow last year, so we owe them a short fall. If we stay with escrow, they want a 2 month cushion. Understandable. However, that would mean that our house payments (plus escrow) would go up over $300/month! There is no way in God's green Earth that we can afford to make those payments. If we pull out of escrow, we'd just owe the mortgage company the shortfall, and our payments would go up just a little. Then we'd have to save for taxes and insurance ourselves. There is so much to be considered here. No wonder people lose their houses when they could afford them initially! The county simply took a lot higher percentage rate this year than they said they would. How can we possibly know that's coming?? I'm going to have to work really hard to get overtime work, and DH is considering getting a second job. This means that even though state adoption is much more affordable for us, it's shelved until we can get a little more stable. This economy sucks giant hairy ones. I hate it.
Ready for the good? I thought so. On Monday I met up with a fellow infertile! Her name is Stephanie and we met through this blog. It was slightly spur of the moment, and I was very excited. For some inexplicable reason, I was all worried that she would think I looked ok and not too much like a goof. In general, I wanted her to like me since we seemed to have a lot in common through the 'net. This thinking is what led me to even wear mascara! I never wear mascara!! I neglected to mention this to her when she confessed to me that she wore lipstick for the same reason.
We met up at Panera Bread for some yummy soup and a nice long chat. She was very pretty and approachable, and surprisingly, very like I pictured her. The nice thing is that we were able to talk about our lives as a whole with infertility as a horrible part of it. I think now, I need people like that who have been in the trenches for a while. I can't focus solely on IF or I'll go crazy. Another nice thing is that I felt some of that "fellowship of IF" that I've felt with other people. The same happened when I met L at the acupuncture office, and when my local pharmacist chatted me up about IVF. There are just clues that IF veterans give off in certain situations that let you both know you have something in common. Then you can breathe and lower your walls. But those stories will come in another post.
For now, just know that it was wonderful to finally meet up with another IFer in person for a change. The other 2 women I've met have been very busy (happily since they are now pregnant!) and we've had a hard time catching up. We will probably meet again, and if anyone in the Central Florida area is interested, please contact me! You can find the info on the Stirrup Queen's website.
Furthermore, I met up with a long time friend today! To get to her, I got to drive through some of the unspoiled regions of Florida, and it eased my soul. Wetlands, forests, palmetto and scrub were a feast for the eyes. The weather has been absolutely beautiful; 70's, clear and sunny. We met in a quaint little historic district near the ocean, and she bought me some yummy Mexican food. Afterward we wandered the little shops where I found....
...YARN FOR MY SCARF! It's by Malabrigo,
and it's scrumptious. I bought the variegated Merino color called stonechat. It was more than I should have spent, but I'll work extra or sell something else on ebay. It's entirely worth it.
So how's that for a bittersweet few days? There has been a lot of good. It's just that the bad is so bad that it barely balances. I know many many of us are in tough spots right now, so best wishes to us all.
We recently found out that our real estate taxes went up more than they had estimated they would. On top of that, our mortgage company did not take enough out for escrow last year, so we owe them a short fall. If we stay with escrow, they want a 2 month cushion. Understandable. However, that would mean that our house payments (plus escrow) would go up over $300/month! There is no way in God's green Earth that we can afford to make those payments. If we pull out of escrow, we'd just owe the mortgage company the shortfall, and our payments would go up just a little. Then we'd have to save for taxes and insurance ourselves. There is so much to be considered here. No wonder people lose their houses when they could afford them initially! The county simply took a lot higher percentage rate this year than they said they would. How can we possibly know that's coming?? I'm going to have to work really hard to get overtime work, and DH is considering getting a second job. This means that even though state adoption is much more affordable for us, it's shelved until we can get a little more stable. This economy sucks giant hairy ones. I hate it.
Ready for the good? I thought so. On Monday I met up with a fellow infertile! Her name is Stephanie and we met through this blog. It was slightly spur of the moment, and I was very excited. For some inexplicable reason, I was all worried that she would think I looked ok and not too much like a goof. In general, I wanted her to like me since we seemed to have a lot in common through the 'net. This thinking is what led me to even wear mascara! I never wear mascara!! I neglected to mention this to her when she confessed to me that she wore lipstick for the same reason.
We met up at Panera Bread for some yummy soup and a nice long chat. She was very pretty and approachable, and surprisingly, very like I pictured her. The nice thing is that we were able to talk about our lives as a whole with infertility as a horrible part of it. I think now, I need people like that who have been in the trenches for a while. I can't focus solely on IF or I'll go crazy. Another nice thing is that I felt some of that "fellowship of IF" that I've felt with other people. The same happened when I met L at the acupuncture office, and when my local pharmacist chatted me up about IVF. There are just clues that IF veterans give off in certain situations that let you both know you have something in common. Then you can breathe and lower your walls. But those stories will come in another post.
For now, just know that it was wonderful to finally meet up with another IFer in person for a change. The other 2 women I've met have been very busy (happily since they are now pregnant!) and we've had a hard time catching up. We will probably meet again, and if anyone in the Central Florida area is interested, please contact me! You can find the info on the Stirrup Queen's website.
Furthermore, I met up with a long time friend today! To get to her, I got to drive through some of the unspoiled regions of Florida, and it eased my soul. Wetlands, forests, palmetto and scrub were a feast for the eyes. The weather has been absolutely beautiful; 70's, clear and sunny. We met in a quaint little historic district near the ocean, and she bought me some yummy Mexican food. Afterward we wandered the little shops where I found....
...YARN FOR MY SCARF! It's by Malabrigo,
and it's scrumptious. I bought the variegated Merino color called stonechat. It was more than I should have spent, but I'll work extra or sell something else on ebay. It's entirely worth it.So how's that for a bittersweet few days? There has been a lot of good. It's just that the bad is so bad that it barely balances. I know many many of us are in tough spots right now, so best wishes to us all.
Random Knitting News
So... I finally mastered the pattern to make My So Called Scarf! However, I made a very poor yarn choice. It was the only variegated yarn I saw, and was in beautiful colors, but the weight of it does not work for this scarf. I can't afford to buy the Manos del Uruguay yarn - beautiful as it is. So I'm on the hunt for affordable variegated yarn that will work well with this pattern. If anyone has any recommendations, please let me know.
I may venture out a bit to see a yarn shop I just found that looks very promising. Why can none of them be close to me though??
Gotta run. I'm meeting up with a friend soon. I also met up with another friend yesterday and plan to blog about it, but that (along with my financial woes) will have to wait until I get back. ;-)
I may venture out a bit to see a yarn shop I just found that looks very promising. Why can none of them be close to me though??
Gotta run. I'm meeting up with a friend soon. I also met up with another friend yesterday and plan to blog about it, but that (along with my financial woes) will have to wait until I get back. ;-)
Friday, January 25, 2008
Unsung Lullabies: Introduction & Chapter 1
Discussion link at bottom
I already really like this book. Everything is described so succinctly and accurately. The Introduction basically covers the authors' backgrounds and their reasons for writing the book and founding the Center for Reproductive Psychology. All 3 of the authors have experienced infertility. However, David Diamond's story was profound for me. I am not blind to the pain that men feel during this experience, but Dave illustrated some of the misconceptions very well. In his account, Dave's friend responds to the news of their IVF by telling him the story of another friend who underwent IVF, only to lose the baby late in pregnancy. The kicker is that before telling the story, Dave's friend cautions him not to tell his wife because, "it will upset her."
Dave's private response is shock and anger. He is surprised that his friend would think that Dave is immune to the same kind of pain and worry his wife is experiencing. He writes, "What about the man? What about me?" It made me think about my husband, and how he's going through a lot of the same emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing, but that he doesn't voice it as much, nor does he get as much support from others. I worry about that and hope that I at least am meeting his needs in that area.
Part 1 is entitled, "Reproductive Trauma. What Happens When Things Go Wrong?" The first chapter is, "This Isn't How it Was Supposed to Be." Most of the first chapter is basically a rehash of all the reasons that infertility sucks. I could definitely identify, and it felt good to see all my feelings validated on paper by a professional.
The word "trauma" jumped out at me though. They say, "A trauma is any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." I had never thought to use the word "trauma" to describe this ordeal, but it most certainly fits the bill. Is this overwhelming physically? Of course it is! The fact that I no longer fear the pain of childbirth like I once did is testament to that. And if anyone questions me on the physical distress, I'll point to my endometrial biopsy with its incredibly painful complications. Or how about the HSG, the shots, the horrible cramping and swollen, painful ovaries, the intense bloating, the hot flashes, the IUI, the laproscopy and hysterscopy? OK, but that's the treatment, not the disease some would say. Well, to that I say, take one of my horribly painful, heavy periods or deal with the fatigue and joint pain that comes along with PCOS and hypothyroid. Then you can judge. As for emotional distress... wow. I don't think I even have to touch that one! Besides, I'm probably preaching to the choir here on this stuff. Let me just say that it's bad enough to deal with infertility itself. But when you add mood altering chemicals in large quantities?? I never imagined I was capable of such rage, anxiety and despair.
So, to sum it up, I feel like we've only just brushed the surface of the issues in this book. But I was already able to reflect more on the unique pain that men feel in this situation. I'm also glad that they introduced me to the use of the word trauma to describe infertility. It seemed to validate my situation somehow, and that's something that helps me feel less crazy. I'm always on the lookout for less of the crazy.
See you next Saturday for the next installment!
Move to the next blogger: Validation
I already really like this book. Everything is described so succinctly and accurately. The Introduction basically covers the authors' backgrounds and their reasons for writing the book and founding the Center for Reproductive Psychology. All 3 of the authors have experienced infertility. However, David Diamond's story was profound for me. I am not blind to the pain that men feel during this experience, but Dave illustrated some of the misconceptions very well. In his account, Dave's friend responds to the news of their IVF by telling him the story of another friend who underwent IVF, only to lose the baby late in pregnancy. The kicker is that before telling the story, Dave's friend cautions him not to tell his wife because, "it will upset her."
Dave's private response is shock and anger. He is surprised that his friend would think that Dave is immune to the same kind of pain and worry his wife is experiencing. He writes, "What about the man? What about me?" It made me think about my husband, and how he's going through a lot of the same emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing, but that he doesn't voice it as much, nor does he get as much support from others. I worry about that and hope that I at least am meeting his needs in that area.
Part 1 is entitled, "Reproductive Trauma. What Happens When Things Go Wrong?" The first chapter is, "This Isn't How it Was Supposed to Be." Most of the first chapter is basically a rehash of all the reasons that infertility sucks. I could definitely identify, and it felt good to see all my feelings validated on paper by a professional.
The word "trauma" jumped out at me though. They say, "A trauma is any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." I had never thought to use the word "trauma" to describe this ordeal, but it most certainly fits the bill. Is this overwhelming physically? Of course it is! The fact that I no longer fear the pain of childbirth like I once did is testament to that. And if anyone questions me on the physical distress, I'll point to my endometrial biopsy with its incredibly painful complications. Or how about the HSG, the shots, the horrible cramping and swollen, painful ovaries, the intense bloating, the hot flashes, the IUI, the laproscopy and hysterscopy? OK, but that's the treatment, not the disease some would say. Well, to that I say, take one of my horribly painful, heavy periods or deal with the fatigue and joint pain that comes along with PCOS and hypothyroid. Then you can judge. As for emotional distress... wow. I don't think I even have to touch that one! Besides, I'm probably preaching to the choir here on this stuff. Let me just say that it's bad enough to deal with infertility itself. But when you add mood altering chemicals in large quantities?? I never imagined I was capable of such rage, anxiety and despair.
So, to sum it up, I feel like we've only just brushed the surface of the issues in this book. But I was already able to reflect more on the unique pain that men feel in this situation. I'm also glad that they introduced me to the use of the word trauma to describe infertility. It seemed to validate my situation somehow, and that's something that helps me feel less crazy. I'm always on the lookout for less of the crazy.
See you next Saturday for the next installment!
Move to the next blogger: Validation
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Hail the Conquering Heroine!
I found this wonderful quiz link at Living a New Life with Infertility. I think my results are fairly accurate. However, I believe that I'm a bit more emotional (you say, "a bit?") than she is.
I must have absorbed some of her "sense." I had a very productive and satisfying meeting with one of my bigger bosses today. He was unaware of some of the problems our team is facing and wanted to address them. He also is helping me a lot in my career development. I had been feeling very boxed in. Finally, I can exhale a little about work.
I must have absorbed some of her "sense." I had a very productive and satisfying meeting with one of my bigger bosses today. He was unaware of some of the problems our team is facing and wanted to address them. He also is helping me a lot in my career development. I had been feeling very boxed in. Finally, I can exhale a little about work.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Stringing You Along
So far I really like Unsung Lullabies. I'm actually excited to write my post for Saturday's update. I'm trying hard to keep from reading too much at one time so that I'm able to really reflect on the passages for each week. I think moving through this book and blogging about it will be cathartic. I've already had a few "a-ha" moments.
I've also begun looking into counseling. Surprisingly, my insurance coverage for it is very good, so there's no reason not to do it. Plus, I've been having more and more trouble balancing my issues with infertility, adoption and work without help. And I really want to be able to move on at some point so that we can start the family we've always wanted. However, I fear that if we did that right now without help, there may be disastrous results. I very much feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at 30. Unsung Lullabies covers some of the reasons for why that may be so, and I can't wait to get to that chapter.
Is this what they call a "teaser?"
I've also begun looking into counseling. Surprisingly, my insurance coverage for it is very good, so there's no reason not to do it. Plus, I've been having more and more trouble balancing my issues with infertility, adoption and work without help. And I really want to be able to move on at some point so that we can start the family we've always wanted. However, I fear that if we did that right now without help, there may be disastrous results. I very much feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at 30. Unsung Lullabies covers some of the reasons for why that may be so, and I can't wait to get to that chapter.
Is this what they call a "teaser?"
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I Voted!
At least that's what my sticker says. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that I wasn't under a party affiliation though I had asked to be registered under one. So I didn't get to vote for the Presidential primaries. However, Florida may get slapped on the wrist (or more appropriately maybe - punched in the face) for having their primaries so early that Democrats may not even allow their votes to count. Joy. It's not the voters' fault that the legislature wanted to move up the primaries. sigh. Sometimes I feel almost as helpless in politics as I do in this whole infertility business. Although I did at least get to vote on the inclusion of a possible tax amendment for the big day.
OK, I've got to change the subject QUICK before I bum myself out! I got Unsung Lullabies in the mail today! Finally! Don't worry. I'll have the intro and first chapter finished long before my update on Saturday. I'm a fast reader and am very interested in this book.
Other than that, life is pretty slow right now. I can't seem to get everything done around the house that I'd like to, but that's nothing new. Tell me again why I have to work? Oh yeah.. that money thing. Right.
OK, I've got to change the subject QUICK before I bum myself out! I got Unsung Lullabies in the mail today! Finally! Don't worry. I'll have the intro and first chapter finished long before my update on Saturday. I'm a fast reader and am very interested in this book.
Other than that, life is pretty slow right now. I can't seem to get everything done around the house that I'd like to, but that's nothing new. Tell me again why I have to work? Oh yeah.. that money thing. Right.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Knitting My Cares Away
Well... not really, but it's worth a try. A brief break from the angst in our home...
A scarf I finished for my sister. I loved the feel of it. I knitted it with angel hair yarn from Joann's. I hope she likes it! Apparently I can only type in broken or simple sentences right now. Please forgive. ;)
In other Barb obsession news, did anyone watch the Amazing Race finale? DH and I love that show and are so stoked that 3 teams we liked made it to the final leg. I'd love to be on it, but I don't think I could handle those cameras all the time. We toy with the idea of entering our video a lot.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Working Through It
Updated at bottom for Unsung Lullabies post link!
Before I get into it, can you see why I want a baby with that man? Thanks so much for your sweet replies to him everyone. It's a big deal for him to have done that, so I'm so happy to see such a welcoming response from all of you.
I've been pretty mum about the whole Tyra Banks show fiasco but have been meaning to talk about it at some point. Originally I was going to wait until the show aired, but after I saw the nasty bait and switch that occurred, I don't even want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Basically, what happened was that the show put out a request to some infertility support organizations to see if people would be willing to share their stories. However, on the show website, the call for guests was posted in a very different, very sensationalized manner, and the show appears to have been taped in the latter style. In my opinion, it was an unconscionable decision. I can't imagine they would call other chronically ill people to their show merely for ratings (or maybe they would?), but in any case, the many diseases and issues behind infertility deserve more respect than to be mocked on national TV. For a complete rundown on what happened, see this post at BlogHer.
OK, enough about Tyra. I've been ordering more and more info on adoption. We still both think we'll do state adoption, but the lure of the open newborn adoption is very strong. Most of the fuzzy, warm stories you see on TV are about private domestic adoption, and so many people are eager to share with you why state adoption can just be so bad (not that I think that's necessarily a completely accurate portrayal.) As a result, we are still fairly torn on what we'll do eventually. On top of that, the hope of conceiving is still very much alive and strong in both of us. We won't completely give up that hope if we adopt, but at the same time, I think we are currently at the point where it will interfere with us moving forward enough to go through adoption with happy hearts.
Therefore, we have to take this in baby steps and work through it as best we can. One thing that I have meant to do for a long time is to read the book Unsung Lullabies. Time and time again, others refer to it as a book that has has helped them to understand their feelings regarding infertility, and as one that has helped them to move on. The author of Living a New Life with Infertility has thoughtfully offered to run a blog ring reading group of sorts for this book. We will read it in sections and then post our observations at the end of each week. At the bottom of the review post will be a link to the next blog on the list for discussion. I'm very excited to read it with all these other wonderful people, and hope that doing so will help illuminate what I need to learn that much better. If you're interested, please read along.
Before I get into it, can you see why I want a baby with that man? Thanks so much for your sweet replies to him everyone. It's a big deal for him to have done that, so I'm so happy to see such a welcoming response from all of you.
I've been pretty mum about the whole Tyra Banks show fiasco but have been meaning to talk about it at some point. Originally I was going to wait until the show aired, but after I saw the nasty bait and switch that occurred, I don't even want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Basically, what happened was that the show put out a request to some infertility support organizations to see if people would be willing to share their stories. However, on the show website, the call for guests was posted in a very different, very sensationalized manner, and the show appears to have been taped in the latter style. In my opinion, it was an unconscionable decision. I can't imagine they would call other chronically ill people to their show merely for ratings (or maybe they would?), but in any case, the many diseases and issues behind infertility deserve more respect than to be mocked on national TV. For a complete rundown on what happened, see this post at BlogHer.
OK, enough about Tyra. I've been ordering more and more info on adoption. We still both think we'll do state adoption, but the lure of the open newborn adoption is very strong. Most of the fuzzy, warm stories you see on TV are about private domestic adoption, and so many people are eager to share with you why state adoption can just be so bad (not that I think that's necessarily a completely accurate portrayal.) As a result, we are still fairly torn on what we'll do eventually. On top of that, the hope of conceiving is still very much alive and strong in both of us. We won't completely give up that hope if we adopt, but at the same time, I think we are currently at the point where it will interfere with us moving forward enough to go through adoption with happy hearts.
Therefore, we have to take this in baby steps and work through it as best we can. One thing that I have meant to do for a long time is to read the book Unsung Lullabies. Time and time again, others refer to it as a book that has has helped them to understand their feelings regarding infertility, and as one that has helped them to move on. The author of Living a New Life with Infertility has thoughtfully offered to run a blog ring reading group of sorts for this book. We will read it in sections and then post our observations at the end of each week. At the bottom of the review post will be a link to the next blog on the list for discussion. I'm very excited to read it with all these other wonderful people, and hope that doing so will help illuminate what I need to learn that much better. If you're interested, please read along.
Move on to the next post: Assessment of Myself at Living a New Life with Infertility.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A short section from another perspective...
Hello everybody. This is actually the husband writing in. I don't even know if what I'm saying is true but I'll do my best to recount our journey together from my viewpoint.
When Barb and I first began trying to have a baby I was happy, excited, scared, but also a little bit ambivalent about the whole thing. I never really had that exact point when I thought "Hey, I'm ready to take on the responsibility of having a child to take care of and raise to become a happy and productive human being." I was pretty much brought along by my wife who wanted and needed a child. The important thing for me is for her to be happy and also for us to have a child before the magic number 30.
After some months of trying without any result, my wife and I got a bit worried. Hope came when Barb started seeing a specialist. The specialist seemed to know what the problem was and had ideas about how to fix it. I thought, "Great, we'll have a baby in no time". Or at least, I thought that my wife's general health would improve as a result of those treatments. I was optimistic.
When Barb started taking Clomid, what was a source of hope for me became a source of stress--mainly because of the way the drug not only affected my wife's mood but her general well-being. She went through a lot of physical problems and side-effects as a result of the many treatments she was put through. Those were really tough because I had thought that what we were doing was supposed to make my wife healthier but it ended up making her feel crampy, bloated,uncomfortable, and in pain. I really hated that she had to go through that. I really wished there was something I could have done to help her and make her feel better. Not only that but I wish there was something I could have done to make her doctors really find out why she's still having problems because it almost always seemed like they just didn't care. That's the frustrating thing.
Barb's gone through a couple of specialists now and through that process I'm come to realize that she might not be able to have a child after all.I know that intellectually but I fear dwelling on that idea for too long because I just can't face that idea emotionally. It's just really tough to handle. I still hold out the faint hope that we'll have our own child someday. I do know now that even though I may not think I'm ready for the responsibility of a child, I feel that I want to take on that responsibility and become the best parent I can be.
Thanks.
When Barb and I first began trying to have a baby I was happy, excited, scared, but also a little bit ambivalent about the whole thing. I never really had that exact point when I thought "Hey, I'm ready to take on the responsibility of having a child to take care of and raise to become a happy and productive human being." I was pretty much brought along by my wife who wanted and needed a child. The important thing for me is for her to be happy and also for us to have a child before the magic number 30.
After some months of trying without any result, my wife and I got a bit worried. Hope came when Barb started seeing a specialist. The specialist seemed to know what the problem was and had ideas about how to fix it. I thought, "Great, we'll have a baby in no time". Or at least, I thought that my wife's general health would improve as a result of those treatments. I was optimistic.
When Barb started taking Clomid, what was a source of hope for me became a source of stress--mainly because of the way the drug not only affected my wife's mood but her general well-being. She went through a lot of physical problems and side-effects as a result of the many treatments she was put through. Those were really tough because I had thought that what we were doing was supposed to make my wife healthier but it ended up making her feel crampy, bloated,uncomfortable, and in pain. I really hated that she had to go through that. I really wished there was something I could have done to help her and make her feel better. Not only that but I wish there was something I could have done to make her doctors really find out why she's still having problems because it almost always seemed like they just didn't care. That's the frustrating thing.
Barb's gone through a couple of specialists now and through that process I'm come to realize that she might not be able to have a child after all.I know that intellectually but I fear dwelling on that idea for too long because I just can't face that idea emotionally. It's just really tough to handle. I still hold out the faint hope that we'll have our own child someday. I do know now that even though I may not think I'm ready for the responsibility of a child, I feel that I want to take on that responsibility and become the best parent I can be.
Thanks.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Adoption
We have been slowly and gently dipping our toes into the waters of adoption. I think it will take a while until we can fully submerse ourselves. I am not completely finished with the hope of a pregnancy. Nor am I completely sure that we will take the adoption route.
Our plan right now consists of gathering information, and should we decide to proceed with the next step in adoption, finding a counselor to help us grieve the loss of a possible biological baby. I don't feel like I would be the mother I want to be until I can do that.
The big big problem I'm dealing with right now is the lack of knowledge. I don't even know how to begin finding a decent adoption agency in Florida to call to ask the questions you're supposed to ask. We've also been researching state adoption, as that's a much more financially feasible solution for us, not to mention the fact that there are so many kids in the state system who need homes. The scary part for us is, we don't know what to expect from the state system. We feel we are not experienced enough to parent an older or very special needs child. Is that what we should expect? We also are afraid of the trauma (for all involved) of parenting a child whose first parents' rights have been terminated against their will. Is that what we should expect?
I can find more info on private adoptions (though not on specific agencies), but I can't seem to find people who have adopted from the state without fostering. Is there anyone out there in blog land who has chosen this option? Would you be willing to share your experiences? We are really clueless right now and would love the help.
By the way, the post by DH should be coming in a few days.
Our plan right now consists of gathering information, and should we decide to proceed with the next step in adoption, finding a counselor to help us grieve the loss of a possible biological baby. I don't feel like I would be the mother I want to be until I can do that.
The big big problem I'm dealing with right now is the lack of knowledge. I don't even know how to begin finding a decent adoption agency in Florida to call to ask the questions you're supposed to ask. We've also been researching state adoption, as that's a much more financially feasible solution for us, not to mention the fact that there are so many kids in the state system who need homes. The scary part for us is, we don't know what to expect from the state system. We feel we are not experienced enough to parent an older or very special needs child. Is that what we should expect? We also are afraid of the trauma (for all involved) of parenting a child whose first parents' rights have been terminated against their will. Is that what we should expect?
I can find more info on private adoptions (though not on specific agencies), but I can't seem to find people who have adopted from the state without fostering. Is there anyone out there in blog land who has chosen this option? Would you be willing to share your experiences? We are really clueless right now and would love the help.
By the way, the post by DH should be coming in a few days.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Rearranging Priorities
I just got back from the Clinical Endocrinologist's (CE) office. Imagine this: In that office, you get to see the doctor every time! This is only the second time I've met with her. I liked her the first time, and it hasn't changed yet. I asked if she would take over my PCOS care and she agreed. Our goal now is to balance my hormones and get me healthy. If a pregnancy follows, then that's great. The wonderful news here is that my TSH is right where it should be at 1.33!
She confirmed many suspicions I had and will monitor my health closely. She thinks there may be more going on than just the PCOS problem since it seems to be fairly mild. She is very concerned about the fact that I have had high prolactin and is going to monitor it more closely. As for the metformin (glucophage), she says that there is no research to support that it can delay or halt ovulation, but that since we know so little about how it really works with PCOS, anything is possible.
Our plan is this: I go off the metformin for the time being, and I go back to my B complex vitamins and Flaxseed. (Note: I do not know why RE said flaxseed is bad. So far, everything I've read has said it's good for pcos. In addition to that, my TCM practitioner and the CE think it's good.) We will see how my cycle goes this month, and I'll have all my bloodwork records sent to the CE. Then I'll have more bloodwork done, and we'll reevaluate in February. If the bloods show really obvious pcos, then we'll go back to metformin.. higher dose. If they don't, but something else is out of whack, we'll go after that problem.
I'm ready for this. Bring it on. (again)
**another note: For those wondering - yes, you can have withdrawal symptoms from metformin. I had them last night. Not pretty.
She confirmed many suspicions I had and will monitor my health closely. She thinks there may be more going on than just the PCOS problem since it seems to be fairly mild. She is very concerned about the fact that I have had high prolactin and is going to monitor it more closely. As for the metformin (glucophage), she says that there is no research to support that it can delay or halt ovulation, but that since we know so little about how it really works with PCOS, anything is possible.
Our plan is this: I go off the metformin for the time being, and I go back to my B complex vitamins and Flaxseed. (Note: I do not know why RE said flaxseed is bad. So far, everything I've read has said it's good for pcos. In addition to that, my TCM practitioner and the CE think it's good.) We will see how my cycle goes this month, and I'll have all my bloodwork records sent to the CE. Then I'll have more bloodwork done, and we'll reevaluate in February. If the bloods show really obvious pcos, then we'll go back to metformin.. higher dose. If they don't, but something else is out of whack, we'll go after that problem.
I'm ready for this. Bring it on. (again)
**another note: For those wondering - yes, you can have withdrawal symptoms from metformin. I had them last night. Not pretty.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Peace Returning
My peace is slowly returning, but the sadness remains. I visit the clinical endocrinologist tomorrow, and I have a lot of things to talk to her about. They specialize in PCOS, so I have a lot of healthy living questions for her. My plan now is to return balance to my body. Nothing is going to work until I do. Of course this is what the Chinese Medicine Practitioner told me, but I needed the diagnostic resources of Western Medicine and didn't have the money to go exclusively holistic. Besides, synthroid is my friend, and we met through my RE. ;-)
We've also received state adoption info in the mail, and I plan to dedicate a whole post to that later. There's a lot whirring around in my mind that I plan to spew out as soon as it settles and solidifies. In the meantime, Hubs (who has been fabulous) and I plan to venture to Joanne's for a little therapy. I don't plan on buying much, if anything. I just love looking at all those beautiful possibilities.
Also, Hubs has agreed to do a guest post on my blog! How fun is that? I love getting the male POV out there when I can. They really deserve so much support.
We've also received state adoption info in the mail, and I plan to dedicate a whole post to that later. There's a lot whirring around in my mind that I plan to spew out as soon as it settles and solidifies. In the meantime, Hubs (who has been fabulous) and I plan to venture to Joanne's for a little therapy. I don't plan on buying much, if anything. I just love looking at all those beautiful possibilities.
Also, Hubs has agreed to do a guest post on my blog! How fun is that? I love getting the male POV out there when I can. They really deserve so much support.
Friday, January 4, 2008
What Happened
I started spotting a tiny bit a few days ago. I chalked it up to irritation from the Prometrium suppositories and went on my way. After all, my luteal phase has never been under 14 days, so why worry?
Then, yesterday I had a gush of blood at a little more than a week past ovulation. That worried me a bit, but I managed to convince myself it was still just irritation or a clot or something. DearNurse agreed to have my progesterone level drawn though. Then last night.. full on period. It woke me at 1:30am. It's only gotten worse throughout the day. When the clinic called with my progesterone draw results, they were borderline.. meaning it was probably only the supplements that were being picked up and none of my own progesterone. This leads me to believe I didn't ovulate at all, especially since I didn't get the typical post ovulation feelings or patterns. And this pisses me off! I wasted my last insurance covered IUI on something with zero possibility of success!!! That's where the anger comes in. The bad thing is that now it's anger mingled with depression and HOOOO-WEE, that's just asking for some serious ass kicking mania from yours truly. This does not mingle well with the workplace. I was hanging on by my fingernails by the end of the day.
I talked to the clinic about what all could have gone so wrong. I mean, I go from responding really well to the lowest dose of clomid (though I hate it) and femara 7 times, then nothing for two, and no ovulation with a doubled dose of femara, 5 fsh shots and a trigger!! However, they only seem to want to focus on "what treatment next," and not, "great bouncing follicles, how in the heck did this happen?" I would like to focus on number 2. Them - not so much.
I have a "Thank you for your time, but we have no more money" wrap up appointment scheduled to see if I can get some answers, but I don't know if I'll go. I plan to reevaluate, recenter, and investigate all our options thoroughly (including adoption.) More on that later. In the meantime, I knew it would be bad, but this unexpected wrench has twisted up my head and heart into aching knots. Sometimes I feel as if I am one toe from going over the edge, and other times everything solidifies into sharp solid rock deep in my core. I'm not sure which is worse.
Aren't you glad I posted this missive full of sunshine and rainbows? I'm just being a frank realist, I promise. (a depressed, frank, realist, but who's perfect?) My peaceful side will return in bits and pieces soon I'm sure.
Then, yesterday I had a gush of blood at a little more than a week past ovulation. That worried me a bit, but I managed to convince myself it was still just irritation or a clot or something. DearNurse agreed to have my progesterone level drawn though. Then last night.. full on period. It woke me at 1:30am. It's only gotten worse throughout the day. When the clinic called with my progesterone draw results, they were borderline.. meaning it was probably only the supplements that were being picked up and none of my own progesterone. This leads me to believe I didn't ovulate at all, especially since I didn't get the typical post ovulation feelings or patterns. And this pisses me off! I wasted my last insurance covered IUI on something with zero possibility of success!!! That's where the anger comes in. The bad thing is that now it's anger mingled with depression and HOOOO-WEE, that's just asking for some serious ass kicking mania from yours truly. This does not mingle well with the workplace. I was hanging on by my fingernails by the end of the day.
I talked to the clinic about what all could have gone so wrong. I mean, I go from responding really well to the lowest dose of clomid (though I hate it) and femara 7 times, then nothing for two, and no ovulation with a doubled dose of femara, 5 fsh shots and a trigger!! However, they only seem to want to focus on "what treatment next," and not, "great bouncing follicles, how in the heck did this happen?" I would like to focus on number 2. Them - not so much.
I have a "Thank you for your time, but we have no more money" wrap up appointment scheduled to see if I can get some answers, but I don't know if I'll go. I plan to reevaluate, recenter, and investigate all our options thoroughly (including adoption.) More on that later. In the meantime, I knew it would be bad, but this unexpected wrench has twisted up my head and heart into aching knots. Sometimes I feel as if I am one toe from going over the edge, and other times everything solidifies into sharp solid rock deep in my core. I'm not sure which is worse.
Aren't you glad I posted this missive full of sunshine and rainbows? I'm just being a frank realist, I promise. (a depressed, frank, realist, but who's perfect?) My peaceful side will return in bits and pieces soon I'm sure.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Quest for Happiness
Way back at the beginning, when I learned that Clomid was the cause of some awful breakdowns, I devised a helpful system. When I felt the black cloud building, I would prepare to do or be around things that make me the happiest. I would avoid everyone that I wasn't 100% comfortable with (which is most people), and hunker down with my happy thoughts. I learned the few things that could break through the madness with a bit of light.
That's still my method, but if I'm not prepared, it's much harder to overcome. When that happens, I usually get blindsided by something stupid, which
makes me feel even more crappy. Then it's really hard to climb out.
I tried all the usual things the past few days. I watched favorite movies and shows, hugged my husband and pets, played a game, and even went to see a performance by the Lipizzan Stallions. It was beautiful and made me long to ride, but didn't make me forget my cares. The photo pictures the Levade.
As it happens though, I can also be blindsided into happiness. I had gone out for groceries, and decided to stop at Joanne's to get a skein of their sale yarn, and to drool at all the other things I couldn't afford.
I went to the nearest store, and was shocked to find that it was closing! ALL their items were 40-70% off the lowest marked price! They had tons of yarn left, and it was 50% off the lowest price. I rummaged, touched, gazed, pondered and rummaged again. It took me an hour to pick out my choices. They all ended up in the one to three dollar range per skein. When I came home, I laid them all out and dreamed up what they would become and in what pattern. I love the feel and beauty of good yarn. There is so much potential in that tidily wrapped package. This unexpected find bolstered my spirits for quite a few hours. I was very grateful. Now I just have to find my next nugget of happiness until I can get out of the pit.
Speaking of yarn, I promised a photo of my finished scarf. I just did knit 1, purl 1 ribbing, and I'm not entirely pleased with it, but here it is. At least it's in my favorite yarn: Lion Brand Homespun.
That's still my method, but if I'm not prepared, it's much harder to overcome. When that happens, I usually get blindsided by something stupid, which
makes me feel even more crappy. Then it's really hard to climb out.I tried all the usual things the past few days. I watched favorite movies and shows, hugged my husband and pets, played a game, and even went to see a performance by the Lipizzan Stallions. It was beautiful and made me long to ride, but didn't make me forget my cares. The photo pictures the Levade.
As it happens though, I can also be blindsided into happiness. I had gone out for groceries, and decided to stop at Joanne's to get a skein of their sale yarn, and to drool at all the other things I couldn't afford.
I went to the nearest store, and was shocked to find that it was closing! ALL their items were 40-70% off the lowest marked price! They had tons of yarn left, and it was 50% off the lowest price. I rummaged, touched, gazed, pondered and rummaged again. It took me an hour to pick out my choices. They all ended up in the one to three dollar range per skein. When I came home, I laid them all out and dreamed up what they would become and in what pattern. I love the feel and beauty of good yarn. There is so much potential in that tidily wrapped package. This unexpected find bolstered my spirits for quite a few hours. I was very grateful. Now I just have to find my next nugget of happiness until I can get out of the pit.Speaking of yarn, I promised a photo of my finished scarf. I just did knit 1, purl 1 ribbing, and I'm not entirely pleased with it, but here it is. At least it's in my favorite yarn: Lion Brand Homespun.
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