Adjustment

While I have adjusted to this pregnancy stuff far better than I had anticipated; there are the occasional twinges that could be leftovers from lovely IF, or could just be a normal pregnancy experience. A lot of what's good can be attributed to our relatively secure status and to my wonderful husband. As for the bad - well it's not even really bad per se. It's just that I am still very uncomfortable at times talking about my pregnancy with most other people in passing conversation. I have always been uncomfortable as the center of attention unless among my family or close friends, so I suppose that part is expected. But it's almost as if it's too private to discuss randomly, or that the feelings I have about it are so deep that trivial discussion is not even an option. I wish I could explain it better, but I myself don't understand it. Elements of it are similar to the naked dream. You know - the one where you're naked in public, but people keep trying to talk to you or ask you to do things as if nothing's wrong, and you just desperately want to get away or cover yourself up, yet they won't let you. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just that my feelings about this are so vulnerable and new and intense. I have as much trouble talking about the depths of this as I do about the depths of my feelings for my husband. It either sounds too trivial or comes out trite. It's just that I've had 12 years to adjust to those feelings. And they weren't hampered by vestiges of loss and vulnerability... perhaps because I was too young and naive in the beginning to imagine that anything could ever go wrong.

In any case, I'm reminded of some things Jen told me before Elizabeth was born. She mentioned how there were people in which you found a haven, and those were the people who though they didn't push, you could more easily volunteer information to. I remember feeling very humble and confused as to why she could do that with me, but now I understand and return the feelings. I don't even know why exactly. Sometimes also, it's almost as if the people I'm not very close to do not have the right to that very private (at least to me) aspect of my life unless I invite them. It's not like everything bothers me. Friendly inquiries about my health and excitement about the baby are heartwarming. It's just that much more than that, and I find myself squirming with discomfort. It doesn't make me angry either. It just feels weird. I find myself much like some of the women I admired most - still Barb - just Barb who is also pregnant.*


*Not that pregnancy is insignificant or less meaningful in any way.. just that I still have so many aspects of me that are important.