I Should Be a Grandma With All This Talk

I found a new general practitioner recommended to me by a coworker. She is nothing short of amazing. She completely trusts my word! She's actually a Nurse Practitioner and goes to bat for me like no one else ever has as a GP. I finally kicked Dr. HolierThanThou (who knew next to nothing about most of my issues) to the curb and went to see the NP about my worsening joint pain and suddenly rising triglycerides along with my ever crappy cholesterol issues. My triglycerides had come down from that 500 reading after going on Metformin, but they've still hovered in the 200's most of the time.

The run-down:
She ran a lot of tests. The basic finding is that my lipid bloodwork heavily suggests metabolic syndrome, aka insulin resistance. Big surprise there. We all know that having PCOS is a very strong indicator that IR might be going on. The suggestion there is that my HDL should be higher than usually suggested and that my LDL lower. Of course this is never even close to being the case no matter what I do. They also found that my LDL size pattern itself is even crappy and indicative of a genetically passed on heart disease. The best pattern to have is A; the large buoyant, "fluffy" kind that doesn't gunk up your arteries as much. Next most desirable is a combo of A/B. Least desirable is mostly B; the small, dense kind that clogs you up. Can you guess where I fall? Yeah. Firmly in the B category. Even my HDL breakdown isn't where they'd like to see it. Sigh.

And on the joint pain - no indicators of rheumatoid arthritis, but she strongly suspects some sort of arthritic changes going on in my body and would like to do x-rays at some point to possibly even start me on therapy to strengthen muscles around the joints so I can stay pain free (ish) longer. 

She thinks the crashes I've been having after running have to do with insulin issues. She gave me ideas for making that easier. 

She heavily suggested fenofibrate. My cholesterol has been wacky since I've had it monitored from age 23. Triglycerides have been going on 2 years. Nothing I've done has put me firmly in the "good" category. She and I are afraid I'm heading down my familial path: heart attack for Dad at 48. Marathon running uncle with triglycerides in the 1000's. Grandfather with a heart attack. Grandma with 10 brothers and sisters and of the 11, only 2 lived past 65. Almost all died of massive heart attacks.. most of them after having multiple ones before and/or bypass surgery. Grandma herself started having them in her late 40's, and I think had 6 total? She died of one in our living room at age 60. 

People have mocked me for worrying about this. "You're only 25! You're only 30! You're only 35!" "You're so active! You're thin! You eat so well!" Well you know what? Heart disease doesn't give a shit just like cancer and infertility don't give a shit. I've seen a deadly massive heart attack. It's not pretty. It's not a going gently into that good night. I don't want to experience a heart attack ever let alone a massive one. I want to be around for possible grandchildren. I want to get gray to match Hub (dig.. he's gray, I'm not. ;-) 

I'm going on the fenofibrate and continuing to eat things like quinoa, bean sprouts, salmon and avocado regularly. I will redouble my efforts to exercise and build lean muscle. I haven't been the best about muscle building since my job has done a lot of it for me, but now I need to. I suspect my blog will continue to chronicle these efforts. It's been slowly changing since I've had E, but I think I need to make a more official change from infertility blog to lifestyle blog about someone dealing with the fallout of PCOS, thyroid disease, insulin resistance and heart issues. Please wish me lots of luck. And any of you taking fenofibrate or dealing with this same stuff, pipe up and let me know how it's going. We all know how much better not being the only one feels. I can't be the only 35 year old in this spot right?

PCOS and Birth Control Pills

Birth Control Pills have never been my friend. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with PCOS and learned more about my syndrome that I figured out that was normal for someone with my issues. The PCOsupport website recently sent out this "HealthByte" email that talks more about research into how BCPs affect those with PCO or PCOS. I wanted to share it with you in case it was helpful.

Here is this week's Health Byte from the PCOSA.  Side Effects of Birth Control Pills to Counter PCOS   Birth control pills can do more than just give the appearance of a "normal" monthly rhythm for women whose cycle is disrupted by PCOS. Oxidant stress is one example. A study from Shiraz University of Medical Sciences in Iran has shown that birth control pills can bring on this condition where unstable, reactive molecules in a woman's cells cause damage because there are not enough antioxidants to neutralize them. The study divided 120 women into three groups. One group took justbirth control pills. Another group took birth control pills, as well as vitamins C and E. A third group did not take anything (no pills or vitamins). Compared to the women who took nothing, the group only taking birth control had more oxidant stress. The birth control women also taking the vitamins had less oxidant stress that than the ones taking birth control but not vitamins. This information suggests that, if you're taking birth control pills, it would be smart to also take antioxidant vitamins such as vitamins C and E. A good multi-vitamin/mineral can provide a spectrum of antioxidant protection. You can also get a good supply of antioxidants from whole plant foods such as vegetables. Some oxidant stress is normal. But too much may increase chronic inflammation. The latter can be a big driver of PCOS symptoms. So oxidant stress is something to be controlled. Check with your doctor. Research indicates that women with PCOS tend to have higher levels of oxidant stress and chronic inflammation than women without polycystic ovarian syndrome.

Sincerely, Christine DeZarn Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Association, Inc. (PCOSA)

Big Day

Today I'm like one of those people on a Dateline special. Today I head downtown for a meeting sponsored by (one of my) mortgage companies to learn about possibilities of adjusting our mortgage. We received an invitation in the mail along with instructions on what to bring. I'm hoping that, like the special said, meeting in person with them will be far more effective than my hours on the phone being transferred from person to person. I know people often think we're idiots for being fooled into a balloon loan at 9.5% for our down payment part of the mortgage. But I'm here to tell you that it was pretty darn easy for a broker to pull a bait and switch that was supremely difficult to pull out of... especially for new home buyers with no lawyer (upon recommendation from trusted individuals). 


In any case, let's hope something good comes of it! In addition, I head to Endo today to see where we are. After 3 months of normal cycles, my body has fallen back off the wagon. I will also see how my blood lipid levels are going. I'm a tad afeared because I was horrible with my eating right before the draw. And when I say I'm ashamed of that, it's only because I know my body can't handle it, yet I do it anyway. My body can't handle much more than a smidgen of cheating, but I so love food. 


Lots of luck needed today! Send some my way!

Dear Metformin

You and I didn't get off to the greatest of starts. I was afraid of our relationship, and that fear was validated after your first rejection of my food choices. It was quite a few months of trial, error and adjustment until we worked things out.
Now I can only thank you for the fact that I now have my beautiful child, my blood lipids are no longer in the scary range, and I have normal cycles for the first time ever! They are less painful, more predictable and TWENTY-EIGHT DAYS LONG! It's no longer an oddity. I just had my third 28 day cycle in a row for the first time ever!
So... Thanks... A lot.
Barb

A Favorite Healthy Snack

I have 2 problems with food daily.
1. Finding healthy, yummy things to eat that won't make me sick. (metformin and lactose intolerance)
2. Finding higher calorie, healthy things E will eat to keep that boy NOT HUNGRY.
Something I stumbled on was to mix my non sugar peanut butter, a banana, and a healthy glob of agave nectar into a delicious gloop. Then we either eat it straight or smeared on a sandwich. Mmm wonderful with a cold glass of lactose free milk.

Well FLORIDA is freezing over...

I had suspicions I ovulated. I even had suspicions it was on about cycle day 14. Then I had suspicions AF was coming... about 12 days after that. And HOLY SHIT can you believe I was right?? Do you realize this gives me a 29 day cycle? And do you realize that in the last 9 years, that's only happened ONCE, and that was on Femara? (clomid and injectibles couldn't do it). Even when I conceived E, I was on about a 45 day cycle.
I am too excited for this, I swear. My theory is that the break from pregnancy and nursing broke the PCOS cycle. You'll recall that I had longish but regular cycles on no meds post partum. But then they began lengthening, blood lipids got crazy, and back on Met I went. But since I was not yet as advanced in the PCOS as I was before E, it didn't take as much to get me back on track. It's enough to make one want to reconsider the whole no more pregnancies thing... Or at least lend my ovaries to someone who could use 'em.

A Little Bit of Endo, A Little Bit of Celebrations

I saw Endo today. My triglycerides have come down over 100 points on the Met, and my "good" cholesterol has gone up! My bad cholesterol is a little higher than before, but I attribute that to the Birthday celebrations. I was quite bad. I made homemade lasagne for the first time! I shall share what I did and how I tweaked it so that I found it delicious instead of gross soon. I also ate lots of sugar free pie and a delicious pumpkin muffin from the Hub. 

Now look at me getting all distracted by food. Anywho, thank God it indeed was as many of you observed, a case of insulin issues aggravating my triglycerides. Now I won't have to go on THAT kind of medication too. Now, I just have to get more pissed off over the fact that I have to investigate every little food decision while people way less healthy than I can shovel it in. Oh the sadness. 

Speaking of birthdays. Happy happy to my wonderful Hubby! I wish Hallmark made cards as good for Daddies from babies as they do for Mommies from babies. The ones for hubbies aren't as good as for wifies either. Anyone else notice this depressing discrepancy? What the heck? Just because men express it less doesn't mean they don't like some good ole sappiness on their birthdays. Mine is a little sweetie under that crabby old man demeanor. ;-)

Druggie Update

Now that E is finally settling back into a sort of routine following our lovely family visit, I thought I'd catch you up on what's been going on with me treatment wise...

• After that initial little bout of discomfort on the Metformin, my body is doing amazingly well! Even when I've had the occasional sweet or carb, I haven't responded in a crazy way. I don't know if it's because I started on the XR and not the regular this time (last time I switched), but it's been awesome.
• I'm still having crashes after meals and such, but I'm not up to my full dose yet. Since I'm a pansy, I went to 750 mg between the 500 and 1000. The therapeutic dose that got me E was the 1000mg/day.
• Interestingly enough, the awful joint pain that I figured had to be the start of some nasty arthritis has eased with the start of the Met. It eased so slowly that I didn't really think about it until tonight when I sat cross legged for an hour and could still walk straight afterward! (Note: PCOS contributes to joint pain. Nice. Gotta love that beyotch)
• I'm already feeling more emotionally stable again. It's so amazing the difference when my thyroid and PCOS are under control. I then understand why "normal" people are so aghast at some of my emotional issues.
• Read research that said while diet and exercise are the most beneficial therapy for many PCOSers, that they are most beneficial for those with a more out of whack BMI and that those already doing moderate exercise, eating fairly well and with an ok BMI see the least benefit. HAH! So there. (Can you tell I'm a little insecure about the fact that I can't keep it under control with diet and exercise?)
• Concerned about some research pointing to a decrease in the ability to absorb Vitamin B12 and folic acid when on Metformin that can lead to all kinds of problems. I plan to address this with Endo and was wondering if any of you had dealt with or heard about this?
  

Thanks for the Support and A Bad Blogger excuse

Well... two doses in and I'm already feeling some of the effects of the Met. I have to remember that the last two times I was on it, the name of the game was strictly restricting diet in the beginning, slowly tapering up the dose and adding foods back in slowly and gently as time went on.

Many of you mentioned the scariness of cholesterol/triglyceride lowering drugs, and it worries me too. I'd like to know more if you have info. But you're right Panamahat. It is kind of a tricky thing. Who wants side effects, but who wants heart disease either? Especially when one side of your family has a habit of kicking it in their sixties from heart issues and the other side has a habit of needing cholesterol and/or triglyceride lowering medications... to the point of, "you're going to fall over dead if you don't do this despite your eating cardboard and running triathalons (literally) for a year." So that's why I'm hoping dealing with the PCOS is the main issue. The drug my Doctor mentioned was a "Fibrate." Has anyone had experiences with them? I hear they are not as "bad" as statins.

Congratulations Jen for your success on Metformin! I just started up taking it again yesterday. It was a long 3 months of adjustment (see earlier treatments posts if you want to read my whining) last time before I felt good. But when I felt good, I felt awesome! I felt the best I had in years, and my blood levels showed it.

Thanks for the cheerleading all! I wanted to write this post and thank you, but also let you know that things will be spotty for a bit while we entertain family! I know. It's awesome.

She's Baaaack

OK, so she was never really gone, but we are starting to see more and more PCOS related changes in my blood work again. Most notably, while my cholesterol levels are reflecting dietary changes by being annoyingly out of whack as opposed to "let's put you on medication" screwiness, my triglycerides have not obliged. They are beyond "semi-high" and trucking for the border. They're overachievers those triglycerides. I've done the diet and exercise thing and only ever seen "better" with it and not "optimal." I'm tired of trying so hard. At this point it's go on triglyceride lowering drugs or look to PCOS as the culprit and manage that first. Since I've also been having my "crashes" in the morning and my newly regular cycles seem to be lengthening, after visiting Endo today (have I mentioned that I love them there?) we've decided to go the way of Metformin again. We always knew this would probably be the case, and in a way I'm relieved, but oh man, here we go on the food roller coaster.

I had been annoyed lately by a stubborn 10+ pounds (I lost 2 on my diet fix) that wouldn't go away (another PCOS crapper), but now I'm thinking I should keep all the "skinny" clothes since last time I got down to high school weight from being so sick in the beginning on Met. That time I had the willpower to do it as one of my last resorts for getting pregnant and staying healthy. This time it's one of my last resorts so I don't travel the same tragic heart health road as family members before me. Wish me luck!

On the Second Child

WARNING: Lots of frank discussion on my experiences with pregnancy and thoughts about second children. Feeling sensitive? Might want to skip it.

Note: This post from 2008 still has a lot of relevance to my decisions today. How interesting it was to see the pre-baby me again.

The topic of a second child is on my mind at least once a day. I'm thinking about whether we should add to our family, the way in which we should add to our family, why we've made some of the decisions we have already made regarding that possibility and/or how I'd like to blog about it. I've made mention that I wanted to discuss this before, and I'm just finally getting around to it. This topic takes a long time to brew before it can really be served up for others. Even now I know that time and circumstances are going to change some of our thoughts for sure. But I feel that I'm ready to share where we are at this time.

As far as a third pregnancy, (you'll remember that my first via Femara/iui didn't last so long) both of us pretty firmly agree that there won't be one that we've planned. There won't even be one by surprise unless we seriously mess up (and my body happens to be cooperating.) Hub is a little more firm in this stance than I am, as my motherly hormones sometimes make me a bit wistful, but I'm right on board with this decision. The reasons? Oh there are so many reasons. Can I just laze it up and make a list?

1. I remember the bitterness, roller coaster, depression and the final dichotomy of painful yet joyful relief in acceptance that struggling to conceive wrought. I do not want to take any chances that I will EVER go there again. And I know I would. I have so much trouble accepting what I see as failure. And I'm very demanding about what I want.

2. Much in line with number 1, we are so at peace and happy with our lives now. I am so so thankful to be someone who is able to accept life with one biological child and be ok with that. In fact, I'm more than ok. I am practically in the clouds most days.

3. We don't have the money or much space or time for a second biological child. We are stuck in our small, 2 bedroom house. We are so grateful to have it, and we love it, but it is financially impossible to leave it, and space is definitely tight. To assure that there wouldn't be as much struggle to conceive, it would probably need to be soon while I'm still enjoying the results of a break in my PCOS spiral. But two in daycare would be financial ruin. And if I quit my job, we'd lose health benefits for our family. No winning there. And time wise, we work so much that we find ourselves (much like many others) fighting to get time together and have even some left over for pets, friends, other relatives etc. This all means we'd be waiting until E was at least 4 to even go for another... which leads me to my next problem...

4. I would be 35-36 and Hub near 40 before we even started trying. No, that's not so old if you conceive quickly right? But what are my chances of that? I mean, let's face it, then I'd not only be dealing with PCOS eggs, I'd be dealing with PCOS AMA eggs. And the problem was mostly me, but not entirely. Hub would be aging right along with me.

5. Along with 4, I have a huge mental block (and a fatigue problem that I know will get worse due to my medical conditions) about being an "older" parent. The age I was having E is good. I don't want to go any farther.

6. I never want to even create the chance to experience pregnancy loss again.

7. Two Words: Post Partum. It was so incredibly difficult for me, and I'm so the victim of my hormones, that I don't know that I ever want to do that again either... especially and try to be a Mom for E. I think it would be better the second time around, but what if it wasn't? What if the high blood pressure got worse? What if high blood pressure actually interfered with the pregnancy? It was a struggle to work to the end of my pregnancy as it was. What if I couldn't come back emotionally? Yes I know they are all "what-ifs," but not worth it for me right now.

Don't get me wrong. I am so incredibly grateful for this experience. It was worth every single hiccup, all the physical pain, all the emotional pain... everything. It was amazing. I would do ALL of it all over again even knowing what would happen if it meant the chance to be a mother period... if it meant the chance to bear one child and have him in our lives. It's worth it for that. But now we have it. We have him, and it's amazing. It's splendid. It's wonderful. As Jen and I say, "We've won." And I want to keep living it like that without the specter of infertility or other complications hanging over our heads. But this is all so very individual, so don't ever think I'm judging anyone else for their choices.

HOWEVER - note that I have not discussed what has been in my heart for years - the subject of adoption. It's still there; a little lump of love in my heart for children looking for their families. I see them, and I love them all. I think often how I'd like to have another child in our lives. I'd like E to have a brother or sister (right now it's brother because OH how enamored am I with boys now!). I'd like to grow our family. I'd like to adopt from the state system. It's something I've always wanted to do, and it negates so many of my previous concerns. But of course, it brings up so many new ones. Will it bring too much discord into our lives? Will the heartaches of adoption prove too much to handle? Are we good enough? Would our nurture outweigh the damage that's already been done? What if by nature we get a child with whom we can't connect? But for now, we wait until it's time to talk about it. And we'll be a happy family even if we don't travel that road. But all that is a post for another time... years away.

Endocrine Excitement

In the past two weeks, I've had blood work and my annual thyroid ultrasound. Today I visited my Endo for the results. It looks like I was right and all that fatigue, dry skin, cold and achy joints really do mean I need an increase in my levothyroxine (aka Synthroid). Much as we are equal parts happy and devastated when we receive an IF diagnosis, I'm relieved (and actually not devastated at all) that my blood work came back the way it did. It means that I have an answer this time, as I increase my dose I can look forward to feeling better, and it's nothing more scary than that.

The ultrasound is always a tiny bit of a nail biter because there's always the chance I'll develop more nodules, the nodules I have will grow, or that I can live up to the stats that I have a bigger chance of developing thyroid cancer. Luckily at this time my one previous nodule has not grown any appreciable amount, and the one new one I have is still teensy.

On the PCOS front, all of my blood work looks really good, and I got my period yet again this cycle! Thank you E for giving me a respite from that crap. My cycles are pretty consistently falling in the 45 to 50 day long range, and that's the best they've been without any medication in at least 10 years! And even MORE awesome is the fact that I can't even tell I used to have a severe widow's peak anymore. The hair has grown in so much there that I have to figure new ways to work it. Methinks it's time for another visit to the hair salon. Oh happy day! I take these little health challenges one victory at a time.

Of Hairlines

The hair around my widow's peak continues to grow! It feels so luxurious to have this kind of hairline! Oh the little things.

PCOS, Hello Old Friend

I just had a 50 ish day cycle without any drugs. I'm pretty sure I even ovulated twice. Oh the miracles of not cycling for almost 2 years. My best cycles were 40 some days on Metformin. I don't expect this to last though. Although I haven't been eating perfectly, it hasn't been awful yet my cholesterol is the highest it's ever been (and my good cholesterol the lowest.) My triglycerides are high, my blood pressure is still not normal, and my testosterone is climbing. I expect to say hello to my good friend Met again sometime this year. It's not for the fact that we want to make more babies. It's for the fact that I want to be healthy. I hate the highs and lows, the crazy blood values and the shitty side effects of unchecked PCOS.

All About Moi

I have to say that I've been feeling damn good. My hormones seem fairly stable. I've been getting decent sleep. My work situation has improved drastically after getting away from the person we've discussed before. Hub is not overly busy, and we've been connecting well, and I've finally been able to put my acquaintances and friends in their properly labeled little categories in my brain. This reduces MUCH stress for me. I'm also finding the physical me again! I have energy, and I'm learning that I'm really not a lazy slug. It was just pregnancy and new motherhood that did that to me. I really did and do like being active. I just tire more quickly than the average bear per the usual.

What's more, I'm even finding my interests and hobbies again. Tomorrow I go to talk with a woman who will be my new riding instructor! I am over the moon about this. Riding is therapy for me. It's the only thing I've ever done (other than birth, and that's not something I want to do regularly) where I could focus completely on the task at hand. It clears my mind, it strengthens my body, and it feeds my soul. I rode regularly when we lived up north, but it's expensive and hard to find a good instructor down here. Oh I so can't wait.

Today I had an added bonus surprise. I was reading My Life After Loss and noticed that she had been mentioned on a nursing blog as an excellent blog for infertility support. Now, I like knowing famous people. It gives me a thrill to see their names or blogs on lists, so I clicked over to see hers and to see if I knew anyone else there. Well if I didn't get the shock of all shocks. My blog was listed there as well! The only thing is that I'm listed under IVF, and we have never done IVF. E was also not conceived with any ARTs at all. In my case, my body seems to have difficulty with the delicate balance that is our endocrine system and doesn't respond in very positive way to all those drugs. I ended up (with a large dose of luck) conceiving him after balancing my body. My thyroid was in check with Synthroid, and my PCOS was in check with Metformin. Though don't get me wrong. We did our fair share of Clomid and Femara rounds, procedures, alternative therapies and IUIs.

On a side note; what does it say about me that after the first thrill, my second feeling was guilt that I haven't been writing as well or as often as I used to? Oh those therapy sessions only go so far my friend. I do believe I'll always be battling some of that self esteem crap. My third thought though was, "Whoa. Someone else listed me as having a son. Awesome."

Go check it out! You may even be on the list!

PCOS - the syndrome full of surprises

See that? At first glance, you may think that's a photo of a man's male pattern baldness. But nope, that's my head. Notice the new little wispy hair growth though? That growth wasn't always there. I noticed it not long after I gave birth to E because I thought how funny it was that it resembled how his hair started to come back in after his first hair loss. At the time I just assumed it was regrowth of hair I lost post partum. But now upon further reflection I realize I never had hair there. I used to have such a bad widow's peak that I was embarrassed to pull my hair back and had to arrange my side bangs just so to cover the bald spot. I thought it was a genetic thing that I developed as an adult. Now I think that it's good old PCOS rearing her stupid bitch head again. I had read that women diagnosed with it sometimes had hair loss issues usually reserved for men due to wacky hormone levels, but never thought about it applying to me. I speculate that 9.5 months of pregnancy and 8 months of breast feeding have allowed my cysty, crusty ovaries to catch a break, thus reducing the level of androgens in my body, THUS allowing me to get a more decent hair line back!

Now I cry to think it's probably only short lived. Ah well. I'll just glory in it for now. Stupid effing syndrome.

Collection of Thoughts - Want to Weigh In?

I had a lot of random things I wanted to blog about and share today.

• Had my endo appointment. TSH is actually almost in HYPER range. Might be why I've been feeling so all over the place. We're changing the dosage just a tad and will check again in 2 months. My sugars are climbing, but still under what they used to be. No Met until finished with breast feeding.
  
• This baby has become a calm, confident, patient boy. We love it! At least he's like that with us. Others don't get that so much.
• Have you ever talked to someone who is just too ignorant to have a conversation with? I don't mean to be unkind. And I don't mean ignorant in the rude sense. I just mean that you try to converse and they misunderstand everything you say on top of feeding you lines of bull that you recognize as such. There was a seemingly unhappy young woman in the waiting room today just like that. She was completely undereducated about her condition and about babies. Apparently though, since she has the same disease I do and a baby about mine's age, that gives her the right to give me all sorts of unsolicited advice. Note that she struck up the conversation with me.
• On the other hand, there was an amazing older woman in the same room who mentioned how quiet E is. When I told her it wasn't always that way, she gently inquired and we shared how both of our sons were quite unhappy and screamy in the beginning. She was so understanding and wonderful. We bonded over how people judge you on that instantly.
• What's the point of having a hands free set for your cell phone if you talk with your hands while driving anyway?
• SHAME on you lady who ambled by me while I was juggling the baby, the car seat and the diaper bag and then proceeded to wait for me to push the handicap button on the door so that YOU could trundle through it after me without pushing your own door. Ridiculous.
• THANK YOU 4 kind people who helped me out with doors, juggling etc today. The imbalance here is heartening.
  
• E has been eating much less often and much less amount wise at a time. I noticed that my milk seems a lot more fatty and thick smelling than it used to be. It used to be stickier, sweeter and thinner. I'm wondering if it's changed so that he needs less and it's better for him at this age. It's so friggin amazing. Daycare lady still wants him to chug a lug though. It's kinda annoying, but we like her so we'll deal.
• This lead to wondering if that's why formula babies often go to rice in their formula around this age. Since formula doesn't change like breast milk, maybe you need the extra calories for their changing bodies. Anyone have any insight? Intriguing thought no?
• I've been feeling inexplicably lonely sometimes. I think it's because I'm still figuring out the new me and figuring out where I fit in with friends. There's also the little point of finding out who my real friends really are. Aren't we always doing that?
• And finally, THANK YOU blogging world. There are so many of you who have been so kind to me even when I'm not commenting much. I heart you.
• Wait... one more. I LOVE THIS BABY WITH MY WHOLE HEART.
  

Updates on Life, Baby and Me in Bullets (plus questions!)

• Nursing is ever so much easier when one does not have thrush. Wow. Gotta love that little pill I got.
• A giant raspberry to my mean previous ped and to certain books that shall remain nameless that insist it is wrong to rock, pat or otherwise soothe a sleepless baby and that they should be left to cry so they can learn to soothe themselves and that otherwise, they will always "require" that. Bullshit. I agree with Dr. Karp and let me just say that this is TWICE now that baby has begun sleep ON HIS OWN without my help. He has often gone back to sleep on his own upon waking too. I think that's just called maturation, and pooh on you for trying to force our babies into an adult world quickly so that we can have more time on our hands.
  
• I happen to love rocking my baby.
• I don't want to miss any part of his babyhood.
• Not that he's without frustrations.
• But it's not his fault.
• Like my multiple bullets? I'll stop now.
• I'm also annoyed with people who claim infants need to learn "independence" early on from Mommy. Seriously? That's why these enormous globes adorn my chest people. We are supposed to be near each other at all times. It's just modern day Western world that dictates we can't.
• I just learned that if you have your first baby after 30, you stand a 1 in 4 chance of developing breast cancer as opposed to a 1 in 8 chance otherwise. Thanks for that extra kick in the teeth PCOS.
  
• I love Hub.
• Bloodletting today. :(
• Teething sucks - your favorite methods anyone?
• Baby has been vomiting a LOT lately at the slightest provocation. Is this acid reflux? He isn't showing discomfort. What can we do for him?
  

Me

I'm starting to get my confidence back and have more good days than bad. My longing for more time with the baby and to take care of my house has not abated in the slightest. However, part time seems a distant chance due to the fact that I have to provide the medical coverage for the two of us.

The bummer is that I feel the problems starting again - highs and lows, weariness, sugar causing issues.. I see Endo next week, so we'll see what's up. I see Met in my future again. But that's ok if it means I'll be physically more capable for E. I suspect it's mainly that and not so much the thyroid.

I'm also a very changed woman. I want to be kinder, better. My priorities have shifted a good deal, and not all my friends understand, so I'm a bit lonely. I miss Jen.

Hub and I are connected in a better, stronger way somehow. We're a good team. I'm eager to get a little more alone time with him when my Mom visits though. It's hard to nurture your relationship when this one needs so much. But it's worth it.

But Everyone Else is Doing it!

So yeah.. I usually won't follow trends just to be a butthead, but I really like summing up this whole decade of my life in little blurbs thing like I've seen a bunch of other bloggers do. Thanks for letting me steal your ideas!

2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)

End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.

October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.

November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)

2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)

Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.

Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.

2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)

2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.

2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.

Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.

October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.

2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.

I grow even more professionally.

2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.

March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.

May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.

Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.

I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.

At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.

The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.

Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.

2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.

August - We close on our first house!

I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.

October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.

November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.

December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.

2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?

I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.

I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .

Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.

August - Our five year wedding anniversary!

December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.

2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!

January - I begin class and love it!

March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.

May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.

I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.

And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.

Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!