Smooshiness About the Belly

I'm fascinated by the growing pooch just beneath my belly button and so is Hub. I can't believe I now have to wear pants 3 sizes larger than my usual just to fit that and the bloat comfortably. (The bloat slows down someday right? Right??)

In fact, last night as I stumbled my toasting butt out the hall to turn up the a/c, I ran into Hub. I was in my night shirt and had noticed that my pooch was pretty noticeable. It seems to grow daily, and Hub hadn't been around much. I said, "Wanna see the kid?" He just looked perplexed. I think he thought I was doing my sleep walking/talking thing again, so I lifted my shirt and patted where my uterus is. His response was the most adorable thing I could have hoped for. He made the squealy "aw" sound we usually only associate with women doting on cute baby animals and patted it. Then he knelt down, kissed it and said, "Hi baby!"

Mistaken Identity

Last night when Hub got into bed, I realized that I had flipped to a different side and lost one of my pillows. Per my usual, I reached behind me and began to grope blindly. I came in contact with the fabric of my pillow, squeezed my hand into it and tried to pull. Imagine my surprise when it was not as fluffy as my pillow, and it gave out a hefty grunt and smacked me. I hope I didn't leave a bruise. I like that part of his anatomy.

A Leak

We had a break in the system. One of the informed couldn't hold it in any longer, and now we're in a horrible domino reaction where I have to hurriedly dial people before they find out through the grapevine and become offended - including my own Father.

I don't quite understand it, but every time I have to tell someone, my heart pounds. It's so weird. Sometimes I look forward to it, but most times I dread it. And when I feel I have to tell someone before I'm ready, I feel jealous of the knowledge. I don't want to share. It's all mine. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with all of this. It's especially bad when it's out of what I perceive as my control. And for some reason, 2 months still just feels so early! I'm surprised by that. I think that I thought before that I'd be chomping at the bit by 2 months. Not so. So now I'm facing the fact that the whole world is pretty much going to have to know now if I want to be the one to control the information. It almost feels like how I always preferred to find out that yet someone else was pregnant. I always wanted to know early and straight from them by phone or email. (I know, not my gig, but that was just my preference.) If it was someone who swore they were never having children or who caught me by complete surprise, it was always very difficult to take.

In this case if someone were to call me up out of the blue (like happened today) and say, "I know your news! Congrats!" I don't quite know what to do with it. I'm not precisely unhappy, I'm just knocked off center and feel discombobulated. I need time, just like with pregnancy announcements, to ground myself first. When I can't, I'm always imagining I seem so blah, so flat, and people will think I'm ungrateful or unhappy or messed up. The crazy thing is, it feels very much like how I deal with death. But I guess this is the flip side of that right? And just as huge? So I'm thinking I'm going to have to announce to the world so that I don't get any of that. Otherwise, I'm no longer in control of the situation in any way, shape or form. Are you getting my need for control? Oh, ok. I wasn't sure if it was clear.

Busy Inside and Out

What a holiday weekend! We had visitors of the lovely sort on Sunday. We enjoyed their baby and their company. Then Hub painted almost all the rest of the living room on Monday (photos to follow), while I ran errands galore and bought a cute blue shirt since so many of mine are now too tight. In the evening I had more guests of the female variety. There was much giggling and eating of yummy stuff despite my ongoing sour stomach.

Today, I have two doctor's appointments, an appointment with the a/c repairman (again), and I am supposed to be rescheduling a hair appointment since I'm unhappy with the cut. I think the hair may lose. I just came back from the first doctor visit. It was actually just a history with the nurse, but I found out that I've gained four pounds. I thought I had been seeing a little more of a bubble below my belly button. And my tummy sure thought so too by how it was violently reacting to being restricted by my pants despite my efforts at increasing my sizes.

So when you combine that with the bloat, this is what you get:

So am I way too early for this stuff? I guess the answer doesn't matter since I'm already there. These jeans are the ones that just two months ago I could pull on and off my hips without unbuttoning. This beginning stuff all feels eerily similar to when my body was changing during puberty, and I had no idea whether I was getting fat, how I was supposed to look and if it was all normal. At least so far I haven't hit the skin breakout! I imagine now that I said it, it's only around the corner. ;-)

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day everyone. God bless all of you with family members or who are the family members who have served the country well. My heart always wells up on this day remembering my hero - my Grandfather - and my other aunts and uncles who have sacrificed in so many ways. I still miss him all the time. I was looking through a book with him and his plane in it the other day. It's a beautiful day.

Content

I don't know if I've said it lately, but I really really love Florida. Such a shame that it's far away from most family. I love my house and friends too. And it's not just the hormones. I'm really very happy here. I'm the happiest here that I've been anywhere else I've lived and worked.

Freebies

TSH is up, so Synthroid got bumped up too. It's expected.

While I sit here trying not to yack, I thought I'd let you all know that I have some pre-natal vitamin samples that I'd like to see go to good use. My beloved Doctor practically gave me a bucket of them on my first visit, and I don't really like the two brands that are left. It's a total of 4 packets, 2 different brands - PreferaB and Gesticare. First person who leaves a comment saying they want them can have them... or one of them, or whatever you want.

Sometimes I can be smart

I still think my u/s tech was confusing and mixing different ages, but I think I may have figured out the whole gestational age thing!! Here's a quote from a website:

Week 1 & 2 Gestational Age - (Conception)

At this stage, the menstrual period has just ended and your body is getting ready for ovulation. For most women, ovulation takes place about 11 - 21 days from the first day of the last menstrual period. During intercourse, several hundred million sperm are released in the vagina. Sperm will travel through the cervix and into the fallopian tubes. When conception takes place, the sperm will penetrate an egg and create a single set of 46 chromosomes called a zygote - the basis for a new human being. The fertilized egg, called a morula, spends a couple of days traveling through the fallopian tube toward the uterus and dividing into cells (this dividing process is where many chromosomal abnormalities occur). The morula becomes a blastocyst and will eventually end up in the uterus. Anywhere from day 6 - 12 after conception, the blastocyst will imbed into the uterine lining and begin the embryonic stage.

So I think they're counting development of the egg as part of the baby's age and not just fertilization. So NOW I get it more. I think the u/s tech just was mixing up terminology because from my opinion, she was switching from fetal age, to gestational age and back again without either realizing or perhaps making clear that they were separate things. So yes, in this case, I am right about when we conceived. If you go by gestational age (which I think the u/s machine was.. the whole 2 wks extra thing) then 7 wks makes sense because it would be 7 wks old gestationally, but conceived 5 weeks ago. I feel so much better!! Now just how to figure out which the books are talking about... hmm...

Am I right or completely off? Maybe pregnancy hormones are making me crazy? Maybe I'll just go take a nap and wait for my repair guy who could come any time between now and forever.

My problem is my NEED to understsand

Yes, I'm a book nerd, but I NEED to understand something before I can fully accept it. Thank you so much by the way for all your wonderful responses! Now what I need help with is to understand how this all works. My wonderful cousin told me about that bizarre two week thing, but the u/s tech made me show her the exact date I thought I conceived and told me that had to be wrong. So I assumed she was going on actual date. Was I wrong in that? Was she just unclear? And is there anyone on this internet who can explain gestational dating to me and why/how they do it exactly? Or can you point me to a site that does? And when I look at the baby development books, should I be looking at 5 weeks or 7 weeks? Do they all go by the Doctor system? AAAARGH confusion.

I know. My need to understand is frustrating. Just ask Hub.

Your Two Cents?

Take a look at this. This. This chart here is exactly why I'm pretty sure I'm 5 wks and not 6 wks 6 days. There is that one other time, but really, how likely is THAT? Thoughts?

Great Day

Aside from the obvious, this has been a wonderful day. First of all, it's been overcast and rainy all day, and boy did we need a break from the dry and the heat.

Secondly, after the appointment, I was all productive and stuff. Then I stopped at my favorite Chinese restaurant for a little me time with some won ton soup. The interior of that place is so comfy, the music is so soothing, and the staff feel like friends since we've been going there for 3 years. That soup was just what the doctor ordered. After that, I headed to my appointment at my favorite salon ever - Aveda. If you ask for a stylist in training (they call it "M talent") you can get a cut for $25! It was lovely. She gave me the Aveda head and shoulder massage. Not all the stylists will do that. She was also a very sweet, generous little thing... very fresh out of school. I felt like such an old lady next to her. haha. Aveda just feels so relaxing and smells so good. I love feeling pampered. Not only was it a great experience, but when I got to the register, I found that someone I had referred had used my name, and I had a $10 discount on my haircut for that! It only cost $15!!!!

Now I'm getting pooped after running errands and picking up groceries, so I'm in sore need of a nap. But the first half of my day was glorious. The bed is calling....

It's Alive!

The seahorse is alive and well. Today I had my first non-dildo cam ultrasound! It was so pleasant! I walked into the room and was all ready to shuck my pants. She actually had to stop me. It would have been amusing if I wasn't so nervous and if the u/s tech herself wasn't so devoid of all emotion and personality.

We saw the embryo right away. I had to ask what it was because of course miss personality wasn't offering. She showed me the yolk sac and then the embryo. And then... then I saw a heartbeat. It was a very healthy 133 bpm. I was so not expecting that at this stage. It was incredible and weird and scary all at the same time. I don't really even have words.

Then she told us that I was almost 7 weeks pregnant. I told her short of immaculate conception, that was pretty much impossible since we only did it the once. She said she highly doubted it was wrong. In my head I thought to myself that I highly doubt I forget when we had sex.... especially since it was charted and corresponded exactly with fertile signs. Next time I'm printing out the damn chart to bring along. Oh well, my doctor believes me. I just don't understand why the size of something decides with absolute certainty the TIME it's been happening. I mean seriously, I was the tallest kid in my kindergarten and first grade class. That does not mean I failed a grade. And for those of you who have seen me in real life, that decidedly did not set the tone for my size later in life. hahaha.

So here it is. The little round blobby is the yolk sac. The longer blobby is the seahorse. And I found out the difference between ultrasound and sonogram. THIS is a sonogram... the print out of the picture. It is still called an ultrasound when they wand you - belly or not. I had an argument with a girl about that recently.

The Joys of Marriage

Thanks to Kristin, I fixed the link for weekend plans. Sorry guys! Maybe I'll try to embed it later.

Anyone who has been married any amount of time will really appreciate these two videos. I didn't know how to embed the second one, so you'll have to click it. But I promise you, you'll enjoy. The first is the Flight of the Conchords that I've been talking about more lately.


EDITED: WEEKEND PLANS!

Belly Aches

I'm slowly starting to get the hang of this morning (or in my case all day) nausea. I'm finding what works and doesn't work. The problem is - the rules change every few days or so, and I'm left scrambling to figure it out again. I think I've got the whole don't get too full, don't get too hungry rule down though. That one seems to be a constant... especially the hungry. The biggest problem is, I'm finding I have to juggle what my Metformin belly will tolerate and what my hormone belly will tolerate. Sometimes I can appease one and not the other.

If anyone else who has been in this situation has any advice, I welcome all and any. Nausea is a good thing right? Just a few days until the first ultrasound and I vacillate between assurance and terror.

Jen and Barb's Great Adventure - Dream Version

So the crazy dreams have of course continued. I won't even get into my stint in Germany, on the set of a p.orn movie, or as a race car driver. I'll just tell you the one that involved Jen.

I was sweaty from working outside all day. My clothes were beyond embarrassing. Suddenly, Jen lands a plane not 100 feet from where I am standing and shouts, "Come on! We're going to see the OSCARS!" She is beaming from ear to ear and waving tickets in my face. I look down at my filthy self and start to protest. She ignores me and grabs me by the arm to drag me toward the waiting plane. "But my clothes!" I shriek. "I bought you beautiful earrings! It'll be fine!" she retorts.

On the plane, I continue to fret about my state of disarray. I'm going to the Oscars after all! She hands me some enormous red baubles and grins proudly, saying, "Aren't they beautiful? It's all you'll need!" However, as I start to protest more and more and ask about where I could possibly buy a dress, she begins to get angry... telling me how hard she worked to do this for me and wasn't I being just a little ungrateful?

That shuts me up until we land (on a city street mind you) in Hollywood and approach the red carpet. People openly stare. As we're seated, she remarks how it isn't such a big deal because we're so high up in the balconies, no one will see us anyway. After a few minutes, I get too antsy though and decide to try to find a dress shop I can afford. She gives me a glare, but I tell her I'll be right back. What follows is a journey the likes of which I can't even describe. It's full of mazes and college campuses, streets of buildings with no stores and even a fraternity house. The one dress I find in the one store I find is behind glass, and I can't open the door.

When we finally join back up, the Oscars are over and Jen is fuming. I manage to placate her as we board the plane. On the plane she says, "I met this great guy!" Incredulous, I ask her what about Matt - her husband?? "Oh him," she sniffs. "I'm not actually married to him. He's a good guy and all, but if he's dumb enough to provide for me and take care of me while I look around, then that's fine. It's just convenience really." I point out the whole baby situation. "Oh.. well he was good for that," she concedes.

I can remember feeling horrified even in my sleep and thinking how duped I was! Jen seems so sweet and kind and honorable! How could she do these things?! Luckily I don't remain in sleep alterna-world too long, so I was able to shake it off. Nice huh?

Getting Away With It?

Today marks one month of pregnancy - one month at what seems to me to be cheating the system. Because let's be honest here, with my medical issues, the amount of time we tried, and what others go through, it really seems like we're cheating the system, and oh is it going to be pissed when it figures this out. Let's hope it never does.

I've been having the infamous crazy dreams. Oh who am I kidding? It doesn't take pregnancy for me to dream up crazy shit. But Jen was featured in one of them. I wonder if she would mind me sharing?

We've been telling a few people here and there; people we need for support, or people we feel guilty not telling at this point. Every time I start this process or even when Hub does, my heart starts to pound and my mouth goes dry. I literally feel a fight or flight response. Why is this I wonder? Do I feel like we're waving a red flag to the system? "Hey, we're out here! We CHEATED! Come take it away!" Am I worried this is one more person we'll have to UNtell? Or is it just the enormity of the subject that makes my heart seize up? I am fairly introverted after all.

Maybe it's a combination of lots of complex factors. I'm just praying this doesn't end up knocking me on my ass. More non-pregnancy related posts soon, I promise.

The HPT Story

It all started with a good cervical position and plenty of mucous. Appetizing no? I noticed this cycle that although the signs did not exhibit themselves until almost cycle day 30, they were really good signs. In fact, the only other time I had signs that good was my first cycle on Femara with IUI - the one where I got pregnant. Plus, the Hub had been popping those Zinc lozenges to avoid a cold for a few months. I thought, "Hey - it's the best chance we've had in a while." So we went for it - once. What? I'm not a wild college girl anymore. I'm sleepy!

Near the end of my luteal phase, I started to get suspicious. I had an episode of extreme drama and depression. It just seemed oddly out of place. It was also a similarity to the infamous Femara/iui cycle. Overall though, things were just a little different for me than usual. I generally abhor the "How do I know I'm pregnant?" stuff in the two week wait because one person's "sign" is another person's normal situation. For me, changes in the way my body reacts to luteal phase and oncoming AF are good indicators. I have a pretty regular system in that way.

So Hub and I gave each other funny looks and had intense brief stares, but danced a nervous, fearful jig around what we really dared to think. Both of us knew the other suspected, but neither one of us wanted to be the fool or to make the other hope.

Then came the day it felt as if my period was coming. It was way too early for those kinds of cramps. Again - it was completely abnormal for me and very in line with what happened on "that cycle." I very rarely test anymore, but then I found a coupon for First Response and decided that was it. I would test, but I wouldn't tell Hub anything about it per the usual. When it was negative, I'd just throw it in the trash can tucked under other articles so he wouldn't see. He didn't even know that I bought it, though later he said he wanted to ask me if I would test. That would have been the first time he ever asked. He never even posed the question during treatments.

So, my body was weird, my emotions were weird, and all this unspoken communication was zipping between Hub and me. At 14 days past ovulation (dpo), I decided I would test early in the morning after Hub left for work. I feigned sleepiness as he got ready, but inside I was jittery and anxious. As soon as he left, I jumped up and did the deed. I sat there on the toilet and prepared to put the test aside as I usually do - maybe in the effort to prolong the hope? But before I could even put it down, I saw the beginnings of a second, faint line. "That's just the test line," I muttered to myself. But then I looked again and huffed, "Holy SHIT! Ho-LY SHIT! That's the pregnancy line!" It's a good thing I was alone because I must have sounded batshit crazy.

I dropped the test to the floor and chanted, "ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod I'm pregnanti'mpregnanti'mpregnant ohgod." I had decided that if it were positive, I'd plan some really fun way to tell Hub when he got home, or I'd just drive up to his office and tell him there. Yeah right - like I have that kind of restraint.

With shaking hands I grabbed my phone. When Hub answered, the exchange went like this:

Me: HON - Can you pull of the road?

Hub: What???

Me: Just pull off the road, I need to tell you something!
(you may think I'm cruel, but I'm the excitable one, not him, so he was safe and calm. plus, he's used to my drama)

Hub: I'm on the HIGHWAY! I can't! Just tell me.

Me: Yes you can! There's a shoulder!

Hub: (exasperated) BABE. Tell me.

Me: I'm PREGNANT! I'm FUCKING PREGNANT!*

Hub: WOW! Whoa! That's AMAZING! You're PREGNANT??? WOW Babes! Good job!
(I chuckle at the good job bit)

We chittered on for a few minutes, and he said he was so glad I told him first thing. He was on cloud nine all day at work, so excited that we did it without intervention. I honestly think that's what had him so excited immediately and why he didn't protect himself like usual. It so surprised him that it would happen at all, and he was so happy for that fact alone, that he already felt like he'd been given a prize.

I called Endo and FavoriteOBGYN who had always said they needed to be the next call after Hub, and both acted immediately. The funny thing is, when I got into the waiting room for my obgyn that day, I still felt so out of place. Not only was I living in this strange dreamworld that couldn't exist, but I was there surrounded by pregnant bellies and babies. I even had a surge of some of the old resentment. I felt like the valedictorian marching band leader in the middle of a sorority party. It was just a very out of body experience. If this all goes well, I don't think I'll ever be one of those women who look so smug and entitled (to my eyes), with my hands resting on my belly, expecting all kinds of special attention. I just can't.

Since then, everyone has been wonderful. Our first ultrasound is less than 2 weeks away, and we hope to tell a few more people after that. Hub has been very solicitous, and that is a very fun thing. Anything I should be asking for right now?


*Sorry. That word needed to be whole and unedited in this situation.

Mailbox Love

Getting the mail is one of my favorite parts of my day. In spite of the bills accumulated as an adult, the mailbox has just always felt like a present and surprise receptacle. And if there's anything I love - it's a surprise. Ask Hub. He'll tell you I'm near to obsession with it.

Today I was rewarded for my obsession because Mel's book arrived! So nope, not in the mood to tell my story just now. I am currently chomping at the bit to dig in. I read some bits and pieces while the computer was loading up and let me tell you, the "thank you" section had me all weepy. Thank God there were no Galapagos tortoises involved, or reinforcements may have been necessary.

Dropout

I have decided to be optimistic and to not register for classes in the fall. We're already so behind on house stuff due to my school work and Hub's extra project that I can hardly stand it. I can't even imagine what it could be like later. Also, there aren't that many classes offered in which I'm interested. There was one in the spring that I was dying to take, but if a certain complication arrives, it's a welcome trade. I mean, let's be honest here. While I love doing it, school was a very definite second choice for me at this point in my life. I'll still work on those other goals - just a little more slowly. Family has always been my main interest in life.

I'm toying with whether to post the whole story of how we "found out," but just don't know if it's necessary or overkill, or if I even want to. Any input?

ADDENDUM: I got an A in my conservation genetics class!!!! WAHOO! I thought it was a B for sure!

Scared

Today was the first day of my two week class. I made friendly with a bunch of people and even got comfortable enough to sit with my feet tucked under me while munching some snacks. (always the snacks) Later in the day, one of my newfound friends whispered to me that there was a stain on the seat of my pants very low. She looked embarrassed when she said it, prompting my response, "Is it just dirt?" She seemed hesitant before shaking her head.

You can imagine how this freaked me out. It didn't matter that I had just gone to the bathroom minutes before with no blood. It didn't matter that when I felt the spot, it felt crusty. All that mattered was that I had been cramping a bit today, and some girl thought she might see blood in a very strategic spot. Even though we were in the middle of a lab activity, I excused myself and ran for the bathroom. I found in that moment just how devastated I will be if this ends badly. Despite my efforts to not get attached nor anticipate, I don't know if I can stand the loss of this chance. I know it seems as if I should be able to do it again with my better health and all, but to me, it still feels like a flash in the pan.

Thoughts like these flashed through my head as my heart raced, and I rushed to the bathroom. It was dirt - shoe schmutz from when I sat on my foot. But God was that scary. Ever since that incident today, I have felt unbalanced and emotional. Gah.

On the subject of the class, I hope it gets better because I'm a little underwhelmed. I was suspicious of it a bit anyway because they teach graduates and undergraduates at the same time. To me that usually means that the lectures a more basic for the graduates, but that they get some extra assignment to make up for it. That's how it's going to work. And while lecture today had a few things I needed to polish up on, it was mostly review of what I've been doing for the past 11 years. The syllabus worries me because it looks as if that will continue. I hope it picks up a little. This class was required, or I probably would have skipped it all together for these reasons, but it frustrates me to spend my time and some of my money (work doesn't reimburse all of it), for two weeks of giant review of my profession. Don't get me wrong. I like the professors, and it is good information. I just don't know that it's intensive enough to qualify for the extra money spent as a graduate student.

Support

A good friend, Stephanie, at the Impatient Patient is currently in the throes of her very first IVF. Her first try was converted, but this one is looking good so far! I think she could use some support and bolstering.

Vignettes

Congratulations cell clump! According to my sources, if you are still growing away in there, you have now reached embryo status and no longer need to suffer the indignity of the title, "cell clump." Now you are a tadpole.

My mind is whirring constantly now. Too bad it's not working so well for the things on which I really should be focusing. That and fatigue will probably make my writing a little... unique. Thus - we have today's vignettes in written form.

I have been avoiding talking to certain friends and family members on the phone. The urge to tell them is too strong, and I feel awkward. I'm a little too open about some things. Life has taught me to practice restraint though.

Last night I was watching The Amazing Race (little sis was so slow!), and they showed how Victor and Tammy won the Galapagos trip. I was so deeply pleased for them, as they're my favorites. Then they showed the image of the Galapagos tortoise. They're adorable, and I love them. It made me tear up. WTF? Right after that, a sap card commercial at which I would usually scoff came on about a teenager sending her Mom a Mother's Day card. I teared up. See a theme?

Today, I ate my lunch in our lunch room, and then moseyed outside to sit in a lawn chair in the shade. I propped my feet up on another chair, enjoyed my solitude, and napped enveloped in Florida warmth. Ahhhh, that was sweet.

The Bomb

*****Sensitive readers may want to skip this post********
(If you do read, please read edit at bottom)

Remember the lucky streak I was on? Hub got a raise, I got a new position (that I'm really enjoying by the way), Hub got a great offer on some personal projects (though he's working his tail off), I got free tickets to a BNL concert.... Wasn't that awesome?

Remember how I said that if only I were ovulating right then, our lucky streak might be in our favor? Also remember that last cycle, my body behaved exactly as it should? (minus the ovulating on CD31 thing). That was lucky too huh?

Well, apparently I've done enough of the bad luck for now and am in for good. Let's hope we haven't used it all up yet - because my uterus is currently the cushy home of a cell clump.* I tested on Monday as both Hub and I were suspicious for various reasons, but only danced around the subject. Which of us wants to look like a fool or jinx it ya know? It was positive very quickly. I almost hyperventilated. Since then I've had two betas and a progesterone draw.

Beta number one - 14DPO: 146
Beta number two - 17DPO: 623
Progesterone: 27.2 (I think)

My most fabulous FavoriteOB gave me a fist bump and a hug. Then when I got the second beta results, he relayed a message through his assistant. "Tell her she's the bomb." Love that man.
Hub and I have worked out a system that is really working for us. We are going to be happy. We are going to only focus on each milestone, and if we pass that milestone with gold stars, then we will celebrate and be happy some more. We will only worry about each milestone as it faces us, and try not to think about what could happen later. We will focus on the blast/emby/fetus as it is at that point and not focus on it as something it's not yet. In short, we will love our little cell clump exactly as it is and for what it's achieved - not as something it may not be able to. :) After all, we're already farther than we've ever gotten before. And I really really love that man.

In short - I'm pregnant, feeling good except the boobs are exploding, along with my bloated gut and I'm 19DPO. Two more days until embryo designation. More on the whole story in other posts.

EDIT: If you know me IRL, or on any other networking sites, please still keep it quiet in those places. Most of family does not yet know. I needed the release of writing and the support of other slightly scared, befuddled IF peeps.


*That's our name for blastocyst. Blastocyst just doesn't roll off the tongue so well.