Self Help is my Thing (Books)

Right now, I'm not really sure where I want this blog to go. I still have writing as a part of me, I just don't know if it's this writing. On top of that, my life is full to overflowing. And that's wonderful. It's what I want. It's just that it doesn't leave a lot of extra curricular time unless I want to be a zombie. (which I don't)

So as I figure it out, I thought I'd post a list of books that have helped me through various issues.

Infertility Struggles

1. Unsung Lullabies - There's a whole book club review of this chapter by chapter on the blog. Click on the books tag to find it.

2. A Patient's Guide to PCOS - Understanding (and reversing) Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - This book gave me a MUCH better understanding of what I was dealing with and how much lifestyle needed to change. Highly recommend.

3. Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother - This was an amazing, raw, honest book that helped me chart my course through parenthood options

4. Taking Charge of Your Fertility - To some extent. This is where I learned a lot more about fertile signs.

Special note: Navigating the Land of If by Melissa Ford is definitely one of those helpful, wonderful books. The reason it isn't in my top three is that it came along after I was past most of the situations/help provided in the book. I loved it, but I was nearing the end of my journey. It was right before my pregnancy with E, and I had come to a very calm place with a very set plan on how we would go on according to various outcomes and timelines.

The pregnancy books are well documented and known, so let's move on to parenting and its issues shall we?

Parenting a Highly Sensitive (and introverted) Child

1. The Highly Sensitive Child - this woman has many books out based on this premise. This was not only helpful for parenting, but it was helpful for understanding myself.

2. The Happiest Baby on the Block - Love this Man

3. The Happiest Toddler on the Block - I would marry him if he asked. Seriously... if you don't like some of the "touchy/feely" language, please plow on. Wonderful gems in here.

4. Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking - Amazingly scientific study based and fascinating. Delves much more deeply into the science of what the Highly Sensitive Child discusses.

5. Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems (the newest edition) - Jen let me borrow hers. I really need to give it back. (sorry Jen!) If you use it, read as much as you can. You may be missing important bits if you don't. For example, God bless Ferber for backing us up on what we already figured. E's problems with sleep often have an anxiety component and progressive leaving (which we had done) only makes it worse (which we've seen.) He has other ways of dealing with anxiety issues. Love, love, love this.

And Best Books for Taking me Away

1. Anything by Robin McKinley. You should love her too.

2. Harry Potter series - Duh

3.Twilight series - Duh again. I don't care if it's not great literature. It was great story telling.

4. Graceling series - This is a new one for me. I'm really digging it so far. 

5. Outlander series 

6. Ender's Game

7. Lord of the Rings 

How Should I Spend My Money? You Weigh In.

Hey folks. I have an indecision issue. I have some extra money in my checking account I got from some health incentives and holiday pay that I was saving for a new range. However, I had to use a portion of it to buy a new vacuum cleaner when mine died completely. (My Shark. I love it!) So now I have a slightly smaller portion, making getting what I want a little more difficult.

Here's the dilemma. I've found this stove on sale for $551. This is the cheapest I've ever seen a reputable brand with the features I want, and the sale ends this week. Those features are a larger than 4.2 cubic foot, self-cleaning oven, smooth-top and stainless steel. I would go for black if I had to, but I really think the stainless would look best in our slowly being remodeled kitchen. It comes with free delivery and haul-away, but you have to buy the electrical cord.

The reason we need a new stove: Ours is a 1982 harvest gold colored model that guzzles electricity, has some questionable burners and one small hairline crack in the oven glass. It no longer self cleans, and the locking oven door knob has fallen completely off. It's the last appliance in the kitchen that needs to be replaced.

The problem here is that we could use the money toward other things. The other options that need to be seen to...

Our 10 year anniversary trip: We have some money put back for this, and I do get two more holiday pays before we go, but at the same time, we've decided to add E to the trip, making it much more expensive.

Guest bath vanity: It's the original particle and compressed wood model. The paint is bubbling, and the "wood" is warping. The coating on the sink is wearing off, and the sink itself has rust spots around the upper drain. I'd like to replace it, but also want to pay someone to install the new one, since it involves plumbing.

Master shower: the Master shower walls still need to be replaced because of water damage behind the tile. This has been a need since we bought the house. We currently only use the tub. However, this is a LARGE expense, so this amount of money would just be saving toward it.

The first three are the ones I'm leaning toward, but what would YOU spend the money on? 

Work and Home

As I've mentioned, we figured out how to make part time work possible for me after E goes to pre-K. That's not for almost 2 years, but I've already been preparing for it. One of those prep items involves notifying certain people for various reasons. Some of the reactions I got had me thinking, "hm. Am I really sure?"

Well, this long weekend home has cemented my feelings. My sense of well being and satisfaction is so much higher the more time I spend at home. And I'm so much more motivated here to do great stuff! At work the opposite is true. The more time I spend there, the less I care, and the more stressed I become. Counting the days baby...

Goals for this Year

1. Run a 5K
2. Read the whole Bible. I'm 34 and have only ever read parts. I need to do it if I'm going to agree and disagree with parts of Christianity.
3. Finish the kitchen and hallway painting/fix if projects
4. Fix up the garden
5. Organize the garage with shelves.
6. Get a service for the air conditioner.
7. Pamper myself with a massage, GOOD hair cut and new make up/skin care projects.
Thoughts on these goals? What are yours?

Swimsuits - The Evil

I've been happy with myself in a swimsuit possibly one phase in my life. I am most definitely not in that phase now. Nor do I think I ever will be again. There are jiggly bits that just won't stay where they ought anymore.

Last year, Jen found a suit I loved online at Anthropologie. Oh how I crave the things in that store. But being Anthropologie, it was super expensive. I found one like it again there, but again, would have paid nearly $200 with shipping for the durn thing.

THEN, then I found it on my beloved Amazon for $25 less and with no shipping! Plus I had points to spend from their credit card! WOOT! I am ready for our beach outing next week.

Here it is. I think it's adorable. And for those of you trying to find this brand, it's called "Seafolly." This one is a "boyleg maillot." Do some searching around. You'll find better prices! I will update when I try it on. If it makes me look like this model, it's worth any price.

Tiny Prints and Christmas Prep

I have decided that this year I will prepare early for Christmas because it actually seems possible now. I've finally adjusted as much as I'm going to to being a full time working Mom. I fought it and tried to find a way around it, but there's just nothing for it. I've got to be happy that we have enough money coming in and a good healthcare plan through my employer. But there will always be that bit of sadness that I couldn't wallow in my baby's sweetness and willingness to love on Mommy while it's here.

But I'm definitely digressing. The point is, I'm trying to time manage much better. Do you remember last year? Things weren't so easy there as Christmas came upon us. I don't want that to happen again. So this year, I started investigating card options early and found that Tiny Prints was offering cards in exchange for a blog post where I could say anything I want about their cards! Usually I shy away from any sort of reward for product endorsement or review, but I felt really comfortable with this because they saved my butt last year. I did a lot of research online for a company that would let me do all my card prep online, including sending them out to family members, and Tiny Prints was the only one that I felt was reasonable. Their system is so easy to use. It allows you to catalog your favorites and keep an address book of recipients. I have heard lots of people express despair over fully printed Christmas card giving, but for me that year it was either that or no cards at all. I chose to employ help.

There was definitely an upcharge for the extra options, and it was a lot more expensive than sending out my own cards, but it was worth it at the time. It was also one of the most reasonably priced options on the internet. We were very pleased with how our cards turned out, and now it holds a special place in our memory box as our first Christmas card as a family.

This year's?

A portion of the proceeds from this card go to the Epidermolysis Bullosa Medical Research Foundation’s efforts to cure the skin disorder that affects thousands of children each year.You can choose from other options that help different charities. I like that.

This year, I think I'll send my own out from Tiny Prints because I have gotten a bit of a better handle on this Mommy thing, but this is one of those "Mommy club" things I felt left out on before E - sending a photo Christmas card. I didn't mind when others did it, but it stung that if I did, it would just be me and Hub... looking pretty much the same.  And by damn, now that I can have fun with it, I'm going to glory in it!

She's Baaaack

OK, so she was never really gone, but we are starting to see more and more PCOS related changes in my blood work again. Most notably, while my cholesterol levels are reflecting dietary changes by being annoyingly out of whack as opposed to "let's put you on medication" screwiness, my triglycerides have not obliged. They are beyond "semi-high" and trucking for the border. They're overachievers those triglycerides. I've done the diet and exercise thing and only ever seen "better" with it and not "optimal." I'm tired of trying so hard. At this point it's go on triglyceride lowering drugs or look to PCOS as the culprit and manage that first. Since I've also been having my "crashes" in the morning and my newly regular cycles seem to be lengthening, after visiting Endo today (have I mentioned that I love them there?) we've decided to go the way of Metformin again. We always knew this would probably be the case, and in a way I'm relieved, but oh man, here we go on the food roller coaster.

I had been annoyed lately by a stubborn 10+ pounds (I lost 2 on my diet fix) that wouldn't go away (another PCOS crapper), but now I'm thinking I should keep all the "skinny" clothes since last time I got down to high school weight from being so sick in the beginning on Met. That time I had the willpower to do it as one of my last resorts for getting pregnant and staying healthy. This time it's one of my last resorts so I don't travel the same tragic heart health road as family members before me. Wish me luck!

A Life Reconsidered (ongoing)

I want to work more on my writing. I want to hone skills grown shabby and learn skills I never mastered. I don't regret the path I took. Conservation, science and wildlife biology are a passion just like writing, and I've lived the adventures on which it has taken me. But what I've let slide does sadden me some.

It won't be a quick thing or an easy one. My family takes precedence right now, and I must perform well at my full time job. I must figure out where I can learn what I need to. I have a pretty decent grasp of the fundamentals, but oh the beyond...

And I must conquer my fear of putting myself out there, of letting others know me, of hearing criticism. When did that happen? There was a time when I was fierce in my ambition and need to learn and improve. I wanted to take the world by storm... BE somebody, make a difference. While I believe I gave accomplished much and have made a difference, somehow the ambition has wavered. The focus has blurred, and the fear and timidity have grown. It would be fine if the ambition had gone away completely, but it hasn't. It's still floating around in there but lacking direction and resolve.

I love my current job, but it's no longer a prominent passion. I never believed I would say that. The time for moving on is coming for so many reasons. I've been feeling for a long time that I wasn't growing as I feel I need to in my work and all the changes I've made in the past few years hasn't really changed that. And since the birth of E, my position in my work life almost feels... Juvenile, despite my love it. My position as mother has trumped all else and given me a kick in the pants for other parts of my life.

Now this is obviously a very self involved ramble meant to help me work through my own thoughts (like most of this blog), but I would sincerely welcome any and all points, considerations and ideas thrown my way.

Xo
Me

And then there were 5 - Moving Update

No, we are no closer to moving really, but we have had some progress on narrowing down options. By the way, you all were awesome for providing such wonderful insight, and if you want to do it any more, or any more of you have thoughts, throw 'em all my way! In any case, Annapolis, MD is now completely off the list due to cost of living concerns.

I'm glad we've given ourselves years to do this, not only because of financial issues, but because letting go of Florida isn't going to be easy. I find myself drinking in the dramatic beauty of our skies, basking in the warmth and studying the bird life just a little more closely. On the other hand, I sometimes feel like I'm already mentally separating. While I like my job, I feel I could leave it tomorrow, and I absolutely long for E to experience more of what Hub and I did growing up. The only way to do that is to get closer to family and into a more northern state. Sometimes I want to move tomorrow.

Lists - Potential Places (Advice Welcomed!)

Here are our list of potential places to move. So far Virginia beats out other areas of the country for location, schools, weather and nearness to family. Pittsburgh has all of that going for it too except weather. I don't know that I can take real winter anymore! I could hardly take it in my early 20's!

If you have knowledge of any of these places, please feel free to advise on the school system, cost of living, jobs, crime, sense of community and just overall quality of life. Note that larger cities include the surrounding area. We'd most likely be looking for semi-rural suburbs.

1. Richmond, VA
2. Charlottesville, VA
3. Pittsburgh, PA
4. Annapolis, MD
5. Charlotte, NC
6. Raleigh, NC

North Carolina is going to have to pull a lot out of the hat for it to become a serious contender. We love the looks of it but have had warnings in other areas and it's not much nearer to family. I'm not keen on starting over completely from scratch with no support. Thanks in advance! Ease my mind!

Hashing it Out - Should We Stay or Should We Go?

I remember reading John Grogan's Marley and Me a while back and enjoying his vivid descriptions of life in Florida. Something he discussed later in the book struck me however. He talked of how though he loved so much about living in Florida as a young couple, he just couldn't handle the thought of keeping his family there once they had all their children. I remember feeling a little shocked that he would think that way and wondering why he'd leave this gorgeous state to go back to the heinous shoveling and shivering that is northeastern country life.

Now though, I am starting to understand from whence he came. When I got pregnant, both of us knew we would miss family. Both of us knew we weren't pleased with certain non-family friendly aspects of our community and this state in general. But what we didn't know was that the way we raised and educated E would become the most important factor in our lives. I know, I know. It should have been a Duuuh thing. But though I worried most about education in this state, I genuinely thought there were enough pluses that we could make it work without too much strife. Then the only family we had here left, and that blew an even bigger hole in my comfort here.

Don't get me wrong. There are so many wonderful things about living here, and we've built some wonderful relationships that I'm loathe to leave. But we've decided that in the next 3-5 years, we are going to be working toward the possibility that we will leave this place for somewhere in the mid-atlantic to Northernmost Southern states. (I still can't abide the thought of too much snow and cold. Ugh)

Just as I did with my thoughts on where to go with our infertility struggle, I plan to hash out the issues, thoughts and tribulations we are having with this decision. You know me. I need to get it out. Verbal.. er.. written diarrhea allows my brain to unclench so that I make better decisions. I'll be looking to you as well dear friends for thoughts, suggestions and geographical expertise as we move through this process.

'Til next time.
FCiF (possibly future FFCiF)

On the Second Child

WARNING: Lots of frank discussion on my experiences with pregnancy and thoughts about second children. Feeling sensitive? Might want to skip it.

Note: This post from 2008 still has a lot of relevance to my decisions today. How interesting it was to see the pre-baby me again.

The topic of a second child is on my mind at least once a day. I'm thinking about whether we should add to our family, the way in which we should add to our family, why we've made some of the decisions we have already made regarding that possibility and/or how I'd like to blog about it. I've made mention that I wanted to discuss this before, and I'm just finally getting around to it. This topic takes a long time to brew before it can really be served up for others. Even now I know that time and circumstances are going to change some of our thoughts for sure. But I feel that I'm ready to share where we are at this time.

As far as a third pregnancy, (you'll remember that my first via Femara/iui didn't last so long) both of us pretty firmly agree that there won't be one that we've planned. There won't even be one by surprise unless we seriously mess up (and my body happens to be cooperating.) Hub is a little more firm in this stance than I am, as my motherly hormones sometimes make me a bit wistful, but I'm right on board with this decision. The reasons? Oh there are so many reasons. Can I just laze it up and make a list?

1. I remember the bitterness, roller coaster, depression and the final dichotomy of painful yet joyful relief in acceptance that struggling to conceive wrought. I do not want to take any chances that I will EVER go there again. And I know I would. I have so much trouble accepting what I see as failure. And I'm very demanding about what I want.

2. Much in line with number 1, we are so at peace and happy with our lives now. I am so so thankful to be someone who is able to accept life with one biological child and be ok with that. In fact, I'm more than ok. I am practically in the clouds most days.

3. We don't have the money or much space or time for a second biological child. We are stuck in our small, 2 bedroom house. We are so grateful to have it, and we love it, but it is financially impossible to leave it, and space is definitely tight. To assure that there wouldn't be as much struggle to conceive, it would probably need to be soon while I'm still enjoying the results of a break in my PCOS spiral. But two in daycare would be financial ruin. And if I quit my job, we'd lose health benefits for our family. No winning there. And time wise, we work so much that we find ourselves (much like many others) fighting to get time together and have even some left over for pets, friends, other relatives etc. This all means we'd be waiting until E was at least 4 to even go for another... which leads me to my next problem...

4. I would be 35-36 and Hub near 40 before we even started trying. No, that's not so old if you conceive quickly right? But what are my chances of that? I mean, let's face it, then I'd not only be dealing with PCOS eggs, I'd be dealing with PCOS AMA eggs. And the problem was mostly me, but not entirely. Hub would be aging right along with me.

5. Along with 4, I have a huge mental block (and a fatigue problem that I know will get worse due to my medical conditions) about being an "older" parent. The age I was having E is good. I don't want to go any farther.

6. I never want to even create the chance to experience pregnancy loss again.

7. Two Words: Post Partum. It was so incredibly difficult for me, and I'm so the victim of my hormones, that I don't know that I ever want to do that again either... especially and try to be a Mom for E. I think it would be better the second time around, but what if it wasn't? What if the high blood pressure got worse? What if high blood pressure actually interfered with the pregnancy? It was a struggle to work to the end of my pregnancy as it was. What if I couldn't come back emotionally? Yes I know they are all "what-ifs," but not worth it for me right now.

Don't get me wrong. I am so incredibly grateful for this experience. It was worth every single hiccup, all the physical pain, all the emotional pain... everything. It was amazing. I would do ALL of it all over again even knowing what would happen if it meant the chance to be a mother period... if it meant the chance to bear one child and have him in our lives. It's worth it for that. But now we have it. We have him, and it's amazing. It's splendid. It's wonderful. As Jen and I say, "We've won." And I want to keep living it like that without the specter of infertility or other complications hanging over our heads. But this is all so very individual, so don't ever think I'm judging anyone else for their choices.

HOWEVER - note that I have not discussed what has been in my heart for years - the subject of adoption. It's still there; a little lump of love in my heart for children looking for their families. I see them, and I love them all. I think often how I'd like to have another child in our lives. I'd like E to have a brother or sister (right now it's brother because OH how enamored am I with boys now!). I'd like to grow our family. I'd like to adopt from the state system. It's something I've always wanted to do, and it negates so many of my previous concerns. But of course, it brings up so many new ones. Will it bring too much discord into our lives? Will the heartaches of adoption prove too much to handle? Are we good enough? Would our nurture outweigh the damage that's already been done? What if by nature we get a child with whom we can't connect? But for now, we wait until it's time to talk about it. And we'll be a happy family even if we don't travel that road. But all that is a post for another time... years away.

Being Easier on Myself

Things are pretty wonderful at the moment. With the help of some friends, I've gotten control of the house and Hub is at a point where he can help. When things are in their place and clutter eliminated, I can breathe easier. When there is less dirt, I am less anxious. It's a beautiful thing.

It's funny though that the condition of the house now would probably be something I met with disdain before I got pregnant. I would berate myself for the dirty baseboard, the untrimmed hedges, the cluttered coat rack. I would think I was lazy, irresponsible and dirty. Then I would leave it until it could be left no more because I would know that the minute I started, it would have to be perfect. I would be on my hands and knees scrubbing all day and into the night. Now I realize that compared to now, my house was practically spotless then. I am good at cleaning. I am good at mothering. I am a good wife.

It doesn't matter that the house is less clean now than before. What matters is that I'm doing the best I can, and that we're happy. So in the spirit of being nicer to me, I'm going to list all the "extras" I did pre-baby that would be herculean for me to do all at once now and accept that I was awesome then, and that I'm pretty darn good now as well.

Things I did in a regular cleaning before pregnancy:
1. scrubbed the drip pans in the stove
2. cleaned under and behind the frig
3. Cleaned windowsills and the insides of windows
4. Cleaned all mirrors
5. Scrubbed all the floors and baseboards
6. Wiped down the walls
7. Cleaned old stuff OUT of the frig, wiped down the shelves and scrubbed the drawers
8. Vacuumed the sliding glass door tracks and all the vents in the house
9. Vacuumed our mattress and flipped and rotated it.
10. Washed the pillows
11. Organized shoes, clothes, etc
12. Wiped down all cabinet doors, top of frig and around door handles and light switches
13. Windexed glass on picture frames
14. Dusted EVERYTHING (including ceiling fans).
Plus all the "regular" things involved in a normal cleaning

Extras included: Cleaning out drawers/cabinets, shampooing the carpets and cleaning outside windows.

Now I'm lucky to even finish dusting. Baby fingerprints cover all glass surfaces pretty much constantly, and the refrigerator hasn't been cleaned out in a few weeks. I might scrub the floors once every couple of months. Sounds disgusting to the previous me. But ya know what? I'm happy. We're ok, and I'm getting a handle on the worst of it. I rock.

Weekend Plans for the Old

We have discovered that that quality of E's sleep is directly correlated to how well we've done his bedtime routine and how little he has been overstimulated after say, 5pm. He continues to be a sensitive, high need baby in some ways. Sleep is definitely one of them. So we will just continue to decline invitations to our friends' get togethers that don't start until 7pm. (Seriously, have these people not seen Weekend Plans? Do they not need sleep? We're all thirties and up here! Am I just old before my time?) Due to increasing peer pressure, the need to see people we love, and maybe a little name calling, we had started to venture out more often. It's not worth it folks. The past 2 weeks have taught us that. Sorry! We love ya but we love sleep and a happy baby more!

*Thanks to Heather for introducing me to weekend plans. It continues to make me giggle on a regular basis. Oh I'm so those people.

Getting Help

Today seemed so good, but then my faulty brain kicked in yet again, and it came crashing down around my ears. Tonight I called to be sure my insurance covered a therapist FavoriteOB recommended. They do. Tomorrow I'm calling to make an appointment with her. I've been trying to do it on my own for too long. I need help.

PPA Revisited

I've still been dealing with a lot of insecurity, anxiety and maybe even a touch of paranoia at work. I kept thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me, and perhaps I needed a counselor. Today though, I thought about how I feel pretty good at home. Then I realized that it's not really at home, it's when I'm with E. When I'm with E, I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I feel happy, confident and focused. I don't give a damn what other people think in the slightest.

When I'm away from him I feel lost. I feel scattered. I can't remember the dumbest things. I can't focus as well. I feel insecure and inept. My emotions swing from one end to the other. It's as if someone has stolen part of me.

Maybe this is the a-ha that should have slapped me in the face long ago, but I think I'm still suffering from separation anxiety with him. It's just that I tamped it down so well, I thought I was getting over it. Then when I didn't have a label for it, the anxiety bled all through the other aspects of life apart from my son. I didn't understand why I felt that way, so the situation snowballed. Co-workers who prey on the weak saw that and targeted me. I, in turn, became even more anxiety ridden. It was a vicious cycle.

Like I've experienced before with fertility treatment side effects, once I have a why for feeling this way, sometimes I can cope much more effectively. So I'm going to try this. Per my discussion with a certain helpful someone, I'm going to go a week or two trying to manage my emotions now that I know the probable cause. I'm going to remind myself that what matters is who I know I am, the love of my family and that I and my loved ones are happy. If I can manage pretty well without the horrible gut wrenching anxiety getting the best of me, then I will continue on that path. If not, I will call to see about a therapist. I've been this close to asking for anxiety medication so many times on this post partum journey, but I've dealt with it so far (and it IS much better than before), so let's see if I can work it out again. Hang in there with me won't you?

Doctor visit

E doesn't have thrush thank goodness. But now I dislike his ped even more. On to meet a new one tonight.

According to the ped, the shrieking at night (that hasn't happened since month one), the constant wakings, and the biting etc could be from a number of things and are definitely not teething. It could be (according to her):
1. What I'm eating (suddenly just this week).
2. My daycare provider is being BAD and rocking or patting him too much when trying to help him sleep. (and of course it's not her doing more of that in reaction to this sudden change in behavior)
3. Developmental (I lean toward this or the teething)

The first 2 I think are complete bunk. According to her, I should have just been letting him cry it out since he was born. DONE with her. She was very negative and gave me the impression she didn't like his cloth diaper. So stupid.

The Great Milks Experiment

Jen and I conducted an experiment today. (What would I do without her?) We gave E formula for a few feedings and then expressed breast milk. The formula (4 oz) held him for 2-3 hours and he was a happy baby other than being sleepy. With the breast milk was (4.5 oz) he was still very hungry after drinking the bottle and had to be given something like another 1.5 oz of formula. Then, 20 or so minutes into the drive home he had an "I'M HUNGRY!" meltdown, and I had to give him another 1.5 oz of formula. When he nurses, I get 45 mins to an hour in between the start of each feeding. He nursed great this morning and was happy, but he nursed for 15-20 mins and was hungry 45 mins later. I think we can safely say, something about my breastmilk is not filling him up. Not enough calories? Not enough fat? I have no idea. I just know with each week, the time between feedings and his discontent after feedings was getting worse and worse.

We will work with a way of combining formula and expressed breast milk and then just doing nursing when it works for both of us for bonding mainly. (And I'll be ready with formula as a back up!)

Note that he let me type this WHOLE THING while he was in my arms!! Satisfied babies are happy, wonderful babies!

He also christened his first cloth diaper today... with a leaky poop of course. What else? I will put up photos later.

Love yous all.

p.s. He just nursed GREAT after having a bottle all day. So I don't think he'll lose the ability.
p.p.s. Forgot to give a shout-out to Kaybee for having a similar idea and helping me earlier.

Did You Get Your Flu Shot?

I have never gotten a flu shot before. And the last time I had the flu was when I was about 12. That being said, circumstances are a little different this time around. I caught a cold once already, and it was completely miserable. I'll be knocking on my neighborhood clinic's door tomorrow morning when it receives its supply. My doctor can then be very happy and stop recommending it at regular intervals.

As for the H1N1 shot, I've already decided to get that one too as soon as it is offered. There is one offered about 20 miles from here, but I just really don't want to schlep up there to get it. I'm hoping one will be offered closer soon and that waiting is not the wrong decision considering some of my co-workers have contracted the virus already. I don't know when they're contagious but they often come to work sick, because who has the time off or money to stay out as long as that damn flu seems to last? The vaccine is completely killed pieces of the virus, so according to what I learned in college microbiology - pretty darn safe. You can however, have various reactions to it. I found lots of information that may be helpful to others in making a decision on the CDC website.

Find Somewhere to Grow

I've been listening to a lot of The Tragically Hip lately. The moody, complex sound and poetic lyrics seem to fit my mood right now. I've been happy, but introspective. I have an endocrinologist appointment this week. It's the last one for adjusting dosages etc. After this, I'll be on the maintenance plan. We've come to the plateau for which we were waiting. Big decisions are coming. And with that, I leave you the lyrics from It's a Good Life if You Don't Weaken by The Tragically Hip.

When the colour of the night
and all the smoke for one life
gives way to shaky movements,
improvisational skills,
a forest of whispering speakers
lets swear that we will
get with the times,
in a current health to stay
lets get friendship right
get life day-to-day
in the forget-yer-skates dream
full of countervailing woes
In diverse-as-ever scenes
proceeding on a need-to-know
in a face so full of meaning
as to almost make it glow

0 for a good life, we just might have to weaken

and find somewhere to go
go somewhere were needed
find somewhere to grow
grow somewhere were needed.

when the colour of the night
and all the smoke in one life
gives way to shaky movements,
improvisational skills
in the forest of whispering speakers
lets swear that we will
get with the times,
in a current health to stay
lets get friendship right
get life day-to-day
in the forget-yer-skates dream
full of countervailing woes
In diverse-as-ever scenes
proceeding on a need-to-know
in a face so full of meaning
as to almost make it glow

0 for a good life, we just might have to weaken

and find somewhere to go
go somewhere we're
find somewhere to grow
grow somewhere we're needed
find somewhere to go
lets go somewhere we're needed
find somewhere to grow
We grow where we are needed

cause in the forget-yer-skates dream
you can hang your head in woe
and this diverse-as-ever scene
know which way to go