Three year old Nephew has his own learning game on Sister's computer. Nephew has recently discovered that aforementioned game has a "print" option on the bottom right corner of the screen.
When she turned on the computer yesterday, Sister fielded 3 printed copies of toddler learning fun before spending 30 minutes canceling print jobs just so she could do her class assignment.
More toddler fun that has had me giggling to escape my worries lately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fVDGu82FeQ
Thursday, May 29, 2008
The need to talk about it
My Aunt is not doing well. I only get updates third hand because she lives in my family's home far from here. But basically the doctors don't really know for sure other than to say that it's not good. She's currently in a coma. I think we're supposed to learn more tonight. My heart is very heavy with the fact that we could lose her. I was going to see her again in July. She's such a vibrant, integral part of our family, and she's only in her late 60's. How can this happen? What is so awful is that her heart has stabilized. Complications after the heart attack are what's killing her. It's all just so maddening.
Much of the family is convinced that she can fight through this. She's nothing if not a fighter. I'm trying to hold onto that flicker of hope. My cousin (her daughter) told this story from the night of the attack to illustrate her iron will:
Aunt had been having pain for a while before finally telling her daughter to call the ambulance. As the ambulance was on its way, Aunt began having difficulty breathing, and the pain was so intense she could barely talk.
Uncle dashed into the bedroom to change his shirt. He walked into Aunt's view as he was buttoning it. Aunt took one look at him and said between strained breaths, "Hon... you're... buttoning it....... wrong."
Uncle obediently began re-buttoning his shirt right up to the tippy top button around the neckline. Aunt rolled her eyes toward him again and grunted, "Leave... the top... one... open. It looks.... stupid."
That is so Aunt to do that everyone who heard the story had to chuckle at her cheek. She is always last on her list of worries and so in charge and conscious of what's going on around her. She's also full of plain, down home style piss and vinegar in addition to her warmth and kindness. I'm trying to think about all that positive stuff until we know more.
Much of the family is convinced that she can fight through this. She's nothing if not a fighter. I'm trying to hold onto that flicker of hope. My cousin (her daughter) told this story from the night of the attack to illustrate her iron will:
Aunt had been having pain for a while before finally telling her daughter to call the ambulance. As the ambulance was on its way, Aunt began having difficulty breathing, and the pain was so intense she could barely talk.
Uncle dashed into the bedroom to change his shirt. He walked into Aunt's view as he was buttoning it. Aunt took one look at him and said between strained breaths, "Hon... you're... buttoning it....... wrong."
Uncle obediently began re-buttoning his shirt right up to the tippy top button around the neckline. Aunt rolled her eyes toward him again and grunted, "Leave... the top... one... open. It looks.... stupid."
That is so Aunt to do that everyone who heard the story had to chuckle at her cheek. She is always last on her list of worries and so in charge and conscious of what's going on around her. She's also full of plain, down home style piss and vinegar in addition to her warmth and kindness. I'm trying to think about all that positive stuff until we know more.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Excuses, Excuses
I fear I am going to be very distracted for the next few weeks. Please don't take it personally if I don't visit my usual haunts for a while. My Aunt had a massive heart attack the other day, and with complications from it, she's still not out of the woods. That is taking up a lot of my thoughts.
Secondly, Hub's passport came through, and we leave for Europe next week. We'll be there for about a week. I'm running around like a crazy woman to get everything arranged. I'm very excited, but very nervous about this first overseas trip and worried about something happening with my Aunt while we're gone.
Last (and definitely least), I'm on cycle day 24 and am spotting. I have not ovulated, nor should I be seeing AF yet. Odd. Take care, and I'll be updating when I can. Thanks once again for your continuing and wonderful support on my "Hashing Part 3" post. It really is a help.
Secondly, Hub's passport came through, and we leave for Europe next week. We'll be there for about a week. I'm running around like a crazy woman to get everything arranged. I'm very excited, but very nervous about this first overseas trip and worried about something happening with my Aunt while we're gone.
Last (and definitely least), I'm on cycle day 24 and am spotting. I have not ovulated, nor should I be seeing AF yet. Odd. Take care, and I'll be updating when I can. Thanks once again for your continuing and wonderful support on my "Hashing Part 3" post. It really is a help.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Like Crack for the Imagination
I've been finished with the whole Twilight series for a while now, and I still can't get them out of my head! The new book comes out in August and the movie in December. I have watched the trailer probably about 6 times. I find myself absolutely delighted that most of the characters in the movie closely mirror what I thought they should look like. What is wrong with me?? The books are good, but I've certainly read more finely crafted material. I think Stephenie Meyer has patented a new kind of reading crack. Is that the most addictive drug? Maybe it's nicotine. Whatever. Crack sounds more impressive.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Your Responses
Per all your comments on my last post, I can only say wow. Wow and thanks for all the encouragement, advice and empathy I found in your words. Thank you also for the compliments. It always seems a little surreal to me since I look to so many of you as people who inspire me and who are very good writers. I learn bits and pieces from all of you every day, so it means a lot to me when you compliment the way I've written something; especially when it's something so personal and difficult.
To further add to the warm fuzzies; as I mentioned before, Malloryn honored me with a blurb and the "pink rose award" created by Kymberli at I'm a Smart One (and she is too!). Since I'm still floating on all those happy clouds, I'm just going to put it out there and say that I think all of you deserve such awards daily in your lives. All of you who comment on others' blogs to make them feel good, all who write to help themselves and hope that it helps others too, and all those who have been through so much heartache but still have the energy to give back. You deserve a little something like this in your lives each and every day.
OK, I think I've dealt enough sappy pie for the day, so it's on to answering the question some of you asked. I mentioned possible criticism in my previous post because I was worried that I may offend some adoptive parents. I didn't want them to think that I in any way thought that adoption was a less valid means to become parents than procreation. I also thought there may be a few out there who think that it really is self-centered of me to be so stuck on the idea of a biological child, and to be so afraid of the rigors of adoption that it hinders my movement toward that goal. I know most of you can totally empathize with the things I say, but you never know who might read your blog, and I've seen people bash others for being worried about adoption before. It's so sad, but it happens. I guess it was just my way of throwing up a little shield to protect myself in case it happened. I find myself doing that a lot. I guess at one time I would have thought that having to shield one's self was a sad thing. However, now I know that it's just a manner of growing up and learning to deal.
To further add to the warm fuzzies; as I mentioned before, Malloryn honored me with a blurb and the "pink rose award" created by Kymberli at I'm a Smart One (and she is too!). Since I'm still floating on all those happy clouds, I'm just going to put it out there and say that I think all of you deserve such awards daily in your lives. All of you who comment on others' blogs to make them feel good, all who write to help themselves and hope that it helps others too, and all those who have been through so much heartache but still have the energy to give back. You deserve a little something like this in your lives each and every day.OK, I think I've dealt enough sappy pie for the day, so it's on to answering the question some of you asked. I mentioned possible criticism in my previous post because I was worried that I may offend some adoptive parents. I didn't want them to think that I in any way thought that adoption was a less valid means to become parents than procreation. I also thought there may be a few out there who think that it really is self-centered of me to be so stuck on the idea of a biological child, and to be so afraid of the rigors of adoption that it hinders my movement toward that goal. I know most of you can totally empathize with the things I say, but you never know who might read your blog, and I've seen people bash others for being worried about adoption before. It's so sad, but it happens. I guess it was just my way of throwing up a little shield to protect myself in case it happened. I find myself doing that a lot. I guess at one time I would have thought that having to shield one's self was a sad thing. However, now I know that it's just a manner of growing up and learning to deal.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Hashing it Out Part 3 - The BIG decisions
All righty. I guess I'll have to heave a big sigh and finally delve into this subject. I really want to just to get it off my chest, but it's a lot to think about and organize in my head.
Ovulating on my own has started to really confuse me. It gave me hope for my own body again even though I know that hope is somewhat misguided. It made me realize how very very much I want to have a pregnancy. It even made me question for a moment whether I wouldn't reconsider IVF. (I'm not by the way)
At the same time, I've started to grasp the complications and heartache that come along with adoption as well. I know you can't know until you do it, but there are just so many things of which I am terrified. We would be going through state adoption, and I know that we will probably not be chosen for quite a few children before we finally adopt. How long with that take? And how heartbreaking with that be? I just don't know if I can go through even more rejection after my own body has abandoned me. To me, it's even worse with adoption, because it's going to feel like now people are determining that I'm not fit to be a mother to someone.
The homestudy is another arm of this fear. I know it may seem odd since I have this blog and all, but my home and private life are very important to me. Sometimes I don't even like people just to drop by, I'm that private. How am I going to handle someone invading my personal space, judging the way we live (which I'm very touchy about since we don't have the money to fix up the house the way we want), and asking me such private questions? Then, even after we would get a placement, we have to endure it for quite a while more as they "check-in" with our family. I completely understand that this is the best thing for the child, but even just thinking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.
And finally, with State adoption, I know that the vast majority of those children were not given up willingly, and that most of them will be older. I just strongly feel that with the fact that we both have to work full time and more, we don't have the time we need to bond with a child who has already known another life. I also feel that we aren't equipped to deal with an older child from the get-go. If we had already raised a child through those stages, I might think so. But having had no experience as parents, we are apprehensive about jumping right in like that.
All these thoughts have only again reinforced how badly I want to have a pregnancy. When I was younger and more shallow, I used to think that people shouldn't place such a high premium on having a biological child. "Love is love!" I would think. "Why should it matter?" But it does. I know that the bond would still be there. My sister is actually my step-sister, and I can't believe that I love her any less than I would were we related by blood. And my nephew... well, if she couldn't raise him for some reason, I could already take him in as my own, that's how dearly and closely I love him. And it really doesn't matter. However, I still have thought at times that I would like to know what it's like to have a biological sibling. It took a lot of guilt before I understood that that doesn't make me love my sister any less. It just means I have a lot of wistful questions as to how it would be. I will always regret a little that I never knew what that was like.
Take those feelings and translate them into having a child, and they become a bigger issue for me. The closer I come to losing all hope at getting pregnant, the more I hold on to the dreams I had. I want to carry my husband's child. I want to be tied together by that amazing experience. I want to see his eyes light up and hear his infectious laugh when he first sees the baby moving inside me. I want to deliberate on whether it will have Grandma's nose or Daddy's hands. I want to be together in the delivery room as we experience what I consider one of the greatest miracles and cry as we touch his or her little fingers. I want to look at this little life that we created together, out of our love and know that someday he or she will create little lives of his or her own. We're both from completely different cultures. I want to see them blend and merge into this little child - a tie that binds it all together. And I know that Hub wants many of the same things.
I've avoided saying many of these things because at one time, I would have considered them very selfish. But I think I've matured enough through all this to understand that it is what it is. It's healthy and natural to have some of these thoughts. I need to work through them a little better before I can feel like I would be the best Mom I could be to an adopted child. I know I would love that child unconditionally. But I don't want all these wistful regrets hanging so thickly in the air around him or her. The main thing is, when I have my child, I want them to have the best chances possible at a wonderful life. So for me to feel comfortable, I need to be in a really good place about adoption before we go through with it.
So here is what we've come up with:
We wait a few cycles to see how my body is working for sure.
Then we do one more medicated IUI - possibly with another clinic where the doctor actually pays more individualized attention to their patients' whole health. I need this last try since my 3rd IUI was a complete no-go.
If this does not result in a pregnancy (and possibly even if it does, but later on) we will begin the State sponsored adoption classes.
If the State system really seems too hard for us, we consider asking some family members who have expressed the desire to help for a partial loan to help us with the costs of private domestic adoption. We will hopefully be able to pay them back with tax rebates and a lot of hard work.
It feels good to have some plan. I hope this one works out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion though that we will be heading for the last 2 options rather quickly. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism by posting this, but I had to put it out there - somewhere. I had to ease my own mind.
Ovulating on my own has started to really confuse me. It gave me hope for my own body again even though I know that hope is somewhat misguided. It made me realize how very very much I want to have a pregnancy. It even made me question for a moment whether I wouldn't reconsider IVF. (I'm not by the way)
At the same time, I've started to grasp the complications and heartache that come along with adoption as well. I know you can't know until you do it, but there are just so many things of which I am terrified. We would be going through state adoption, and I know that we will probably not be chosen for quite a few children before we finally adopt. How long with that take? And how heartbreaking with that be? I just don't know if I can go through even more rejection after my own body has abandoned me. To me, it's even worse with adoption, because it's going to feel like now people are determining that I'm not fit to be a mother to someone.
The homestudy is another arm of this fear. I know it may seem odd since I have this blog and all, but my home and private life are very important to me. Sometimes I don't even like people just to drop by, I'm that private. How am I going to handle someone invading my personal space, judging the way we live (which I'm very touchy about since we don't have the money to fix up the house the way we want), and asking me such private questions? Then, even after we would get a placement, we have to endure it for quite a while more as they "check-in" with our family. I completely understand that this is the best thing for the child, but even just thinking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.
And finally, with State adoption, I know that the vast majority of those children were not given up willingly, and that most of them will be older. I just strongly feel that with the fact that we both have to work full time and more, we don't have the time we need to bond with a child who has already known another life. I also feel that we aren't equipped to deal with an older child from the get-go. If we had already raised a child through those stages, I might think so. But having had no experience as parents, we are apprehensive about jumping right in like that.
All these thoughts have only again reinforced how badly I want to have a pregnancy. When I was younger and more shallow, I used to think that people shouldn't place such a high premium on having a biological child. "Love is love!" I would think. "Why should it matter?" But it does. I know that the bond would still be there. My sister is actually my step-sister, and I can't believe that I love her any less than I would were we related by blood. And my nephew... well, if she couldn't raise him for some reason, I could already take him in as my own, that's how dearly and closely I love him. And it really doesn't matter. However, I still have thought at times that I would like to know what it's like to have a biological sibling. It took a lot of guilt before I understood that that doesn't make me love my sister any less. It just means I have a lot of wistful questions as to how it would be. I will always regret a little that I never knew what that was like.
Take those feelings and translate them into having a child, and they become a bigger issue for me. The closer I come to losing all hope at getting pregnant, the more I hold on to the dreams I had. I want to carry my husband's child. I want to be tied together by that amazing experience. I want to see his eyes light up and hear his infectious laugh when he first sees the baby moving inside me. I want to deliberate on whether it will have Grandma's nose or Daddy's hands. I want to be together in the delivery room as we experience what I consider one of the greatest miracles and cry as we touch his or her little fingers. I want to look at this little life that we created together, out of our love and know that someday he or she will create little lives of his or her own. We're both from completely different cultures. I want to see them blend and merge into this little child - a tie that binds it all together. And I know that Hub wants many of the same things.
I've avoided saying many of these things because at one time, I would have considered them very selfish. But I think I've matured enough through all this to understand that it is what it is. It's healthy and natural to have some of these thoughts. I need to work through them a little better before I can feel like I would be the best Mom I could be to an adopted child. I know I would love that child unconditionally. But I don't want all these wistful regrets hanging so thickly in the air around him or her. The main thing is, when I have my child, I want them to have the best chances possible at a wonderful life. So for me to feel comfortable, I need to be in a really good place about adoption before we go through with it.
So here is what we've come up with:
We wait a few cycles to see how my body is working for sure.
Then we do one more medicated IUI - possibly with another clinic where the doctor actually pays more individualized attention to their patients' whole health. I need this last try since my 3rd IUI was a complete no-go.
If this does not result in a pregnancy (and possibly even if it does, but later on) we will begin the State sponsored adoption classes.
If the State system really seems too hard for us, we consider asking some family members who have expressed the desire to help for a partial loan to help us with the costs of private domestic adoption. We will hopefully be able to pay them back with tax rebates and a lot of hard work.
It feels good to have some plan. I hope this one works out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion though that we will be heading for the last 2 options rather quickly. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism by posting this, but I had to put it out there - somewhere. I had to ease my own mind.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I'm Becoming a Social Butterfly
Yesterday was fun! We were supposed to have a Florida bloggers' meeting that encompassed a very large central portion of the state. When I arrived at the restaurant (late) however, I was abashed to find that it would just be 2 of us, and I had kept poor Jen waiting for too long! Some parts of her city are about 40 minutes from me, and other parts are a good 50 or 60 miles away. I didn't even check, and hers was more the 50-some miles type. oops. Sorry Jen!
She, however, was quite gracious. She had told us to look for a red polo and pretty ribbons in her hair. Yes, that is just as cute as it sounds. (sorry again Jen if you dislike being called "cute." ;) We met at a Mexican restaurant and were seated quite quickly. Jen ordered a yummy trio of dips that I thoroughly enjoyed. I shocked myself by loving the bean dip even more than the cheese, the salsa or the sour cream/guacamole combo. I am not a bean girl. She ordered some enchiladas (I think) and I got one of my all-time favorites; tortilla soup.
We began talking immediately. We talked so much that I think the poor waiter felt quite superfluous. We hardly even acknowledged him. I found Jen just as funny, compassionate, and intelligent as she appears to be through her writing. This was the first time I've ever met someone in person after reading their blog, and it was kind of cool. I really enjoyed talking about our little community. It's nice to have another person (Stephanie was the first) to share this stuff with. I know that if I say, "Mel said this," or "Farah said that," that she will get what I'm saying. Too cool.
Conceive Magazine (there's your blurb if you were looking for it! ;-) sent us goodie bags which was really nice of them. I found the Resolve magazine particularly helpful. We had a good laugh though over an ad insert for the Conception Curve Positioning Pillow. I realized that I have never even tried to "prop my hips up." We then had an epiphany that perhaps that has been my problem all along! If I just bought this $70 pillow, I'd be pregnant in a month!!! At least, that's what happened for "Katie Barnes, successful Conception Curve user!" She has been trying for 5 whole months before thinking of the pillow and BAM! First time she used it - SUCCESS!
Forgive me for I am a bitter old infertile.
After our lovely lunch, I zoomed back home to get ready for my date with Hub. I had snagged 2 free movie tickets (with no restrictions!!), and we were headed to see Prince Caspian. We haven't had a "date night" in a while, so that was really nice. As for the movie, it seems I am in the minority in my preference for the first one. Prince Caspian was good, don't get me wrong, but the book is such that you have to add things to it to make a movie or it would be woefully short and boring. I don't mind the addition of some scenes, but a few of them changed characters' personalities quite a bit. That - I don't like. Furthermore, the movie was 2 hrs and 20 mins long. They didn't need to add that much. It was cute though, and I loved seeing some of my favorite animal characters from the books. I'm really looking forward to The Voyage of the Dawn Treader because they shouldn't have to add much at all to that.
The Hub and I then came home and spent some quality time together. *wink* We've been in a really good place recently, and I'm loving that. Thanks to both the Hub and Jen for giving me a day where I started to feel a lot more like me than I have in a long time. I felt strong, interesting and interested in all aspects of life. That is a good day.
She, however, was quite gracious. She had told us to look for a red polo and pretty ribbons in her hair. Yes, that is just as cute as it sounds. (sorry again Jen if you dislike being called "cute." ;) We met at a Mexican restaurant and were seated quite quickly. Jen ordered a yummy trio of dips that I thoroughly enjoyed. I shocked myself by loving the bean dip even more than the cheese, the salsa or the sour cream/guacamole combo. I am not a bean girl. She ordered some enchiladas (I think) and I got one of my all-time favorites; tortilla soup.
We began talking immediately. We talked so much that I think the poor waiter felt quite superfluous. We hardly even acknowledged him. I found Jen just as funny, compassionate, and intelligent as she appears to be through her writing. This was the first time I've ever met someone in person after reading their blog, and it was kind of cool. I really enjoyed talking about our little community. It's nice to have another person (Stephanie was the first) to share this stuff with. I know that if I say, "Mel said this," or "Farah said that," that she will get what I'm saying. Too cool.
Conceive Magazine (there's your blurb if you were looking for it! ;-) sent us goodie bags which was really nice of them. I found the Resolve magazine particularly helpful. We had a good laugh though over an ad insert for the Conception Curve Positioning Pillow. I realized that I have never even tried to "prop my hips up." We then had an epiphany that perhaps that has been my problem all along! If I just bought this $70 pillow, I'd be pregnant in a month!!! At least, that's what happened for "Katie Barnes, successful Conception Curve user!" She has been trying for 5 whole months before thinking of the pillow and BAM! First time she used it - SUCCESS!
Forgive me for I am a bitter old infertile.
After our lovely lunch, I zoomed back home to get ready for my date with Hub. I had snagged 2 free movie tickets (with no restrictions!!), and we were headed to see Prince Caspian. We haven't had a "date night" in a while, so that was really nice. As for the movie, it seems I am in the minority in my preference for the first one. Prince Caspian was good, don't get me wrong, but the book is such that you have to add things to it to make a movie or it would be woefully short and boring. I don't mind the addition of some scenes, but a few of them changed characters' personalities quite a bit. That - I don't like. Furthermore, the movie was 2 hrs and 20 mins long. They didn't need to add that much. It was cute though, and I loved seeing some of my favorite animal characters from the books. I'm really looking forward to The Voyage of the Dawn Treader because they shouldn't have to add much at all to that.
The Hub and I then came home and spent some quality time together. *wink* We've been in a really good place recently, and I'm loving that. Thanks to both the Hub and Jen for giving me a day where I started to feel a lot more like me than I have in a long time. I felt strong, interesting and interested in all aspects of life. That is a good day.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Completely Random Thoughts
And nooooow the humidity sets in. I guess Summer is here to stay. Oh well. At least here I'm only truly miserable with the weather for about 3 months of the year. That's cool.
I really, truly do want to write that post about dealing with adoption vs. ARTs and all that, but I just can't get into it right now. I think I'm a bit depressed about it to tell the truth. I will probably get to it within the next few days though.
Malloryn has honored me with a very sweet little blurb. I will get to that at some point as well. I've learned not to push these things because it ends up so much better if I write what I'm feeling at any given time.
Something I was thinking about today... I've always wondered why I can handle seeing tons of pregnant woman and children every day and not be too bothered by it, but when it's someone I have to see regularly, or who I care about, it's sometimes a knife twist in the gut. I don't even cringe too much when passing the infant section of a department store anymore. But I had an "A-HA!" today. It seems simple. You'd think I would have come to it earlier. I really think that I have pulled back from anything baby related. I used to coo and aaaaw over teeny tiny shoes in stores, or show Hub the latest toddler toy in excitement, but anymore I almost feel like it doesn't interest me. I also am far less interested in talking about the mechanics of pregnancy than I used to be even though I still find it miraculous. To protect myself, and because I can't relate right now, I've put up a wall of disinterest between me and the whole baby world. I see a pregnant stranger on a walk with her toddler, and I may feel a pinch of jealousy, but it's fleeting, and my eyes almost skip over the protruding belly without seeing it. However, when it's a loved one or someone I have to face every single day, I can't put up that wall. I care far too much. Therefore, although I'm showing them my love and opening myself up to loving their child, it also opens up the old wounds of bitterness, envy and regret. To love them properly, I have to be willing to accept that. I'm not saying I love them perfectly or in the way they deserve since I'm carrying all this baggage, but I do try to be "normal." Even though there are moments where a photo or a word will make me suck in my breath, it's all worth it to be a part of their lives. I just wish I could join in the fun.
I really, truly do want to write that post about dealing with adoption vs. ARTs and all that, but I just can't get into it right now. I think I'm a bit depressed about it to tell the truth. I will probably get to it within the next few days though.
Malloryn has honored me with a very sweet little blurb. I will get to that at some point as well. I've learned not to push these things because it ends up so much better if I write what I'm feeling at any given time.
Something I was thinking about today... I've always wondered why I can handle seeing tons of pregnant woman and children every day and not be too bothered by it, but when it's someone I have to see regularly, or who I care about, it's sometimes a knife twist in the gut. I don't even cringe too much when passing the infant section of a department store anymore. But I had an "A-HA!" today. It seems simple. You'd think I would have come to it earlier. I really think that I have pulled back from anything baby related. I used to coo and aaaaw over teeny tiny shoes in stores, or show Hub the latest toddler toy in excitement, but anymore I almost feel like it doesn't interest me. I also am far less interested in talking about the mechanics of pregnancy than I used to be even though I still find it miraculous. To protect myself, and because I can't relate right now, I've put up a wall of disinterest between me and the whole baby world. I see a pregnant stranger on a walk with her toddler, and I may feel a pinch of jealousy, but it's fleeting, and my eyes almost skip over the protruding belly without seeing it. However, when it's a loved one or someone I have to face every single day, I can't put up that wall. I care far too much. Therefore, although I'm showing them my love and opening myself up to loving their child, it also opens up the old wounds of bitterness, envy and regret. To love them properly, I have to be willing to accept that. I'm not saying I love them perfectly or in the way they deserve since I'm carrying all this baggage, but I do try to be "normal." Even though there are moments where a photo or a word will make me suck in my breath, it's all worth it to be a part of their lives. I just wish I could join in the fun.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Kind Blogger Award
From Farah. What a sweetie. Sorry it took me so long to post this.
There are just too many others for me to choose for this... especially since she already picked some of them. ;-) But I will pick Stephanie, Journey to Junior and Michelle since I don't think I've done anything like that for them yet.
In case you're wondering - I'm still reading. I'm on book 2 after reading the first one all in one day. Right now I'm going back to answer all your wonderful thoughts within the comments. I love doing that. Tootles!
There are just too many others for me to choose for this... especially since she already picked some of them. ;-) But I will pick Stephanie, Journey to Junior and Michelle since I don't think I've done anything like that for them yet.
In case you're wondering - I'm still reading. I'm on book 2 after reading the first one all in one day. Right now I'm going back to answer all your wonderful thoughts within the comments. I love doing that. Tootles!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sidetracked
Soooo - I had intended to hash out the whole reproductive status angst today. However, I think I've made my engrossing addiction to the written word pretty clear, and that obsession has turned to something other than my blog right now. This makes it pretty impossible to write on such a serious, introspective topic.
My new obsession is the book, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Yes, yes, those of you in the know, scoff if you want. The main characters are teenagers. It's mainly a love story. It's fluff. blah blah blah. Despite all those things, I am absolutely intrigued, and I have not been completely intrigued and at ease with a book in a long time. I am completely enjoying it. I was in the middle of re-reading the Narnia books when a friend lent me her book, and I immediately forgot about The Silver Chair. I have most recently been reading non-fiction, and even when I turned to fiction, the last thing I finished was the His Dark Materials trilogy. If you haven't read them, they are not exactly the easy-reading, feel good books of the year. So I am happy to be so occupied.
The reading material I choose has to meet one (sometimes more) of the following criteria:
1. Does it make me happy? (if it doesn't, it has to meet #2)
2. Does it help me understand something or cause some revelations?
3. Do I like the characters or subject?
4. Are the words crafted in a skillful way? (of utmost importance)
5. Can I lose myself in it? (if not, again with the #2)
I really don't bother myself with whether it's something I should like, or if it's a classic or not. I either like it, or don't. It's simple. For example, I can appreciate that I probably learned a thing or two from reading Moby Dick. And I can even recognize the brilliance behind the writing. However, it falls so far from meeting criteria number 1, 3 and 5 that I refuse to ever read it again and read it as quickly as possible when it was required. The same thing goes for Shakespeare's tragedies. I do, however, enjoy his comedies. Then again, the Red Badge of Courage and the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass so fulfilled numbers 2, 3 and 4, that it didn't matter that they didn't make me "feel good." All this is coming from a girl who read Jenna Jameson's book and was fascinated by it. So there you have it. I guess the point here is that you can never quite predict what I will like, and that I really don't have a lot of qualms about reading just about anything unless it doesn't meet one of my criteria in a really significant way.
I wrote all that just to say that I'm enraptured by Twilight,** and that might make it a little difficult for me to post on serious subjects until I can get that story out of my head.
**Then again, I also adore Jane Austen and some other romance type books.
My new obsession is the book, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Yes, yes, those of you in the know, scoff if you want. The main characters are teenagers. It's mainly a love story. It's fluff. blah blah blah. Despite all those things, I am absolutely intrigued, and I have not been completely intrigued and at ease with a book in a long time. I am completely enjoying it. I was in the middle of re-reading the Narnia books when a friend lent me her book, and I immediately forgot about The Silver Chair. I have most recently been reading non-fiction, and even when I turned to fiction, the last thing I finished was the His Dark Materials trilogy. If you haven't read them, they are not exactly the easy-reading, feel good books of the year. So I am happy to be so occupied.
The reading material I choose has to meet one (sometimes more) of the following criteria:
1. Does it make me happy? (if it doesn't, it has to meet #2)
2. Does it help me understand something or cause some revelations?
3. Do I like the characters or subject?
4. Are the words crafted in a skillful way? (of utmost importance)
5. Can I lose myself in it? (if not, again with the #2)
I really don't bother myself with whether it's something I should like, or if it's a classic or not. I either like it, or don't. It's simple. For example, I can appreciate that I probably learned a thing or two from reading Moby Dick. And I can even recognize the brilliance behind the writing. However, it falls so far from meeting criteria number 1, 3 and 5 that I refuse to ever read it again and read it as quickly as possible when it was required. The same thing goes for Shakespeare's tragedies. I do, however, enjoy his comedies. Then again, the Red Badge of Courage and the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass so fulfilled numbers 2, 3 and 4, that it didn't matter that they didn't make me "feel good." All this is coming from a girl who read Jenna Jameson's book and was fascinated by it. So there you have it. I guess the point here is that you can never quite predict what I will like, and that I really don't have a lot of qualms about reading just about anything unless it doesn't meet one of my criteria in a really significant way.
I wrote all that just to say that I'm enraptured by Twilight,** and that might make it a little difficult for me to post on serious subjects until I can get that story out of my head.
**Then again, I also adore Jane Austen and some other romance type books.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Communication with the Hub
Cellphone Rings:
Hub: Hey. You know how I say I don't trust people?
Me: [puzzled] Yeeeaah
Hub: Well, I was thinking, and I always trust you. I always believe you.
Me: Um. OK. Thanks babe!
Hub: Well, it's because you never lie to me. Ya know?
Me: I know. Of course I never knowingly lie to you.
Hub: So I'll always believe you.
Me: So if I say I saw a ghost, you'll believe me? (providing I'm not crazy)
Hub: Yup.
Me: I'm holding you to that!
30 seconds later. Cellphone rings again.
Hub: Unless it's about me.
Me: What?
Hub: I always believe you unless it's something about me.
Me: Tell me something I don't know.
Note: My relationship with this man warms me to my toes. I love the trust we have. The following is the Hub's response to my email asking if I can post this conversation.
Hub: Hey. You know how I say I don't trust people?
Me: [puzzled] Yeeeaah
Hub: Well, I was thinking, and I always trust you. I always believe you.
Me: Um. OK. Thanks babe!
Hub: Well, it's because you never lie to me. Ya know?
Me: I know. Of course I never knowingly lie to you.
Hub: So I'll always believe you.
Me: So if I say I saw a ghost, you'll believe me? (providing I'm not crazy)
Hub: Yup.
Me: I'm holding you to that!
30 seconds later. Cellphone rings again.
Hub: Unless it's about me.
Me: What?
Hub: I always believe you unless it's something about me.
Me: Tell me something I don't know.
Note: My relationship with this man warms me to my toes. I love the trust we have. The following is the Hub's response to my email asking if I can post this conversation.
You can post whatever you want babes. It's fine by me.
Love you.
Love you.
Hashing it Out: Part 2
OK, so I was thinking... "Man this is a lot of posts! People are going to be annoyed at how many in one day!" And then I realized, "Hey! This is your blog! Your whole intent was to mainly write it for YOU and if other people got something out of it, then great!" So here I go with my 3rd (and possibly not last) post for today...
It's time to tackle two more issues on my list.
#3. I can't really do anything about the economy. It's stressful yes, but all I can do is hold my head above water the best I can and try to focus on the blessings I have that don't include money. I have a house, a great husband and my community is starting to rally around local events and parks since people can't afford to travel elsewhere. That means there is more emphasis in making this a good place to live. And that's a wonderful thing.
As for how I can earn more money - news of my possible promotion is still pending, and it may not even happen. What's more, overtime has seemed to dry up. It's been offered less and less. I have to be honest and say that I'm somewhat grateful because I hate overtime. But at the same time, it's a stresser because I do need it. Therefore, I have to think of other things to make more money. I've been trying to sell stuff on Ebay, but noticed that people aren't buying nearly as much. I'm assuming they don't have money either. I've also thought about putting the ad box on this site. It would be used toward adoption or more treatments (more on that on the next "Hashing" post). I shrink from that though because it just seems so... I don't know... sellout. I also know that so many do it for charity, but mine would be charity for me. It feels a bit selfish. We'll see.
Hub also thinks he'd like to see me start writing for real again. I've been published in a few little non-paying things, and have won a few contests. I used to dream about becoming a writer, but nothing big ever came of it. Part of it is my lack of confidence in that area. But maybe I will. Maybe I'll start submitting to magazines again. Maybe I'll even start to write those books I've been dreaming about. I'm not so great at fiction, but I've always wanted to write a book about my Grandma's incredible life, or about infertility. Does anyone who does write for a living have any words of advice on this?
#4. My JOB. This is a big one. Things seem to be getting worse rather than better. So what I've done is started to make some contacts and inquiries that may result in leads for other jobs or better opportunities. I'm going to make a list of all my options along with their pros and cons. Then I will start to research the most promising ones more heavily. It feels good to be looking ahead again for the first time in about 4 years. This is the longest I've ever held the same position. I can't stand stagnation. If I were still learning lots of new things or felt that I could better myself in this position, I wouldn't mind, as I love my team and what I do. However, I feel stifled and blocked at every turn. I also despair of ever keeping up with cost of living with my paltry raises. Wish me luck!
Just a snippet: I have yellow fly bites all over my legs, and it's driving me CRAZY! Does anyone know of a product that helps reduce the swelling, pain and itching of these damn things? aaaargh. Floridians... come on. Help a girl out. I know you've experienced this.
It's time to tackle two more issues on my list.
#3. I can't really do anything about the economy. It's stressful yes, but all I can do is hold my head above water the best I can and try to focus on the blessings I have that don't include money. I have a house, a great husband and my community is starting to rally around local events and parks since people can't afford to travel elsewhere. That means there is more emphasis in making this a good place to live. And that's a wonderful thing.
As for how I can earn more money - news of my possible promotion is still pending, and it may not even happen. What's more, overtime has seemed to dry up. It's been offered less and less. I have to be honest and say that I'm somewhat grateful because I hate overtime. But at the same time, it's a stresser because I do need it. Therefore, I have to think of other things to make more money. I've been trying to sell stuff on Ebay, but noticed that people aren't buying nearly as much. I'm assuming they don't have money either. I've also thought about putting the ad box on this site. It would be used toward adoption or more treatments (more on that on the next "Hashing" post). I shrink from that though because it just seems so... I don't know... sellout. I also know that so many do it for charity, but mine would be charity for me. It feels a bit selfish. We'll see.
Hub also thinks he'd like to see me start writing for real again. I've been published in a few little non-paying things, and have won a few contests. I used to dream about becoming a writer, but nothing big ever came of it. Part of it is my lack of confidence in that area. But maybe I will. Maybe I'll start submitting to magazines again. Maybe I'll even start to write those books I've been dreaming about. I'm not so great at fiction, but I've always wanted to write a book about my Grandma's incredible life, or about infertility. Does anyone who does write for a living have any words of advice on this?
#4. My JOB. This is a big one. Things seem to be getting worse rather than better. So what I've done is started to make some contacts and inquiries that may result in leads for other jobs or better opportunities. I'm going to make a list of all my options along with their pros and cons. Then I will start to research the most promising ones more heavily. It feels good to be looking ahead again for the first time in about 4 years. This is the longest I've ever held the same position. I can't stand stagnation. If I were still learning lots of new things or felt that I could better myself in this position, I wouldn't mind, as I love my team and what I do. However, I feel stifled and blocked at every turn. I also despair of ever keeping up with cost of living with my paltry raises. Wish me luck!
Just a snippet: I have yellow fly bites all over my legs, and it's driving me CRAZY! Does anyone know of a product that helps reduce the swelling, pain and itching of these damn things? aaaargh. Floridians... come on. Help a girl out. I know you've experienced this.
The Thoughts Behind my Concerns
Note that I am pleased at President Bush's new concern (finally) over gas prices and the U.S. economy. Please also note that I do not blame Bush or his administration directly for our problems. Many of these economic trends began a long time ago as globalization began. What I am unhappy about is how many of these problems were handled, the alienation of many important allies, the "for us or against us" mentality, the "black and white, good and evil" way of thinking, the breaking down of important barriers between religion and politics (the very barriers our forefathers set up to protect religious freedom and unmuddy political waters), the minimizing of environmental and social problems, the complete refusal to admit to any mistakes (because God has, after all, appointed this administration), and the very un-traditional Republican way of making very quick, very huge decisions without a lot of backing or information.
My Grandfather, WWII veteran, long-time Colonel in the Air Force, fierce public servant and defender of the U.S. and staunch believer in support of our government and military, was very worried about our entrance into Iraq for a war of aggression with a country we knew very little about. Near the end of his life, he was also very concerned that we would try to make war with Iran. He, like I, thought that would be a very foolish move while still embroiled in Iraq and Afghanistan. Furthermore, it's even more foolish considering that we have no concrete reason to invade and still do not understand that region of the world.
Please know that I felt all these things before I knew how my Grandfather felt. After discovering where he stood, I am even more proud to be his Granddaughter.
Now I'm done with the PSA's and will return to the IF world. Thank you.
My Grandfather, WWII veteran, long-time Colonel in the Air Force, fierce public servant and defender of the U.S. and staunch believer in support of our government and military, was very worried about our entrance into Iraq for a war of aggression with a country we knew very little about. Near the end of his life, he was also very concerned that we would try to make war with Iran. He, like I, thought that would be a very foolish move while still embroiled in Iraq and Afghanistan. Furthermore, it's even more foolish considering that we have no concrete reason to invade and still do not understand that region of the world.
Please know that I felt all these things before I knew how my Grandfather felt. After discovering where he stood, I am even more proud to be his Granddaughter.
Now I'm done with the PSA's and will return to the IF world. Thank you.
Reality Check
I feel I have to acknowledge some of the horrific natural disasters that have occurred all in a row the last few weeks. I only wish I had more money to donate to the cause of helping these people. But then again, many of us really are helpless as it's so difficult to get aid to them in the first place.
There are the string of tornadoes that have been hitting the midwest this spring. Thank God most people got out ok, but the economic and emotional effects on these peoples' lives are just beginning to be felt.
Next was the horrible cyclone in Myanmar, and the confusion that has made it difficult for aid to get to them.
Finally, there is the massive 7.8 earthquake in China that has devastated the country.
I will be searching for ways to perhaps donate supplies, clothing etc in any way I can. In the meantime, let's all keep them in our thoughts and prayers. I'm also quite scared that our hurricane season is going to be very active considering our very warm weather this winter. Warm ocean waters make for very happy hurricanes. Climate change is certainly nothing to pshaw about.
There are the string of tornadoes that have been hitting the midwest this spring. Thank God most people got out ok, but the economic and emotional effects on these peoples' lives are just beginning to be felt.
Next was the horrible cyclone in Myanmar, and the confusion that has made it difficult for aid to get to them.
Finally, there is the massive 7.8 earthquake in China that has devastated the country.
I will be searching for ways to perhaps donate supplies, clothing etc in any way I can. In the meantime, let's all keep them in our thoughts and prayers. I'm also quite scared that our hurricane season is going to be very active considering our very warm weather this winter. Warm ocean waters make for very happy hurricanes. Climate change is certainly nothing to pshaw about.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day for those who feel comfortable with it. For me, I still think of it mostly as a way to celebrate my Mom. But I won't pretend that I don't feel a little pang at every commercial that lauds all the wonderful attributes of women who are mothers. "But I'm trying to be a mother!" I want to yell at the announcer. "I could be all those things too! I really could!"
I called my Mom this morning, and she seemed so incredibly delighted. It's not often that I'd use the word "bubbly" to describe my Mom, but there's no other word for her mood today. It's nice and flattering to think it was my phone call or card that had her so happy. I know the most likely truth though. My 3 year old nephew was the first person to call her this morning. She said the phone call went something like this:
Mom: "Hello?"
Nephew: "Gramma come down to my house*?"
Mom: "Hi honey! Sure I'll come down!"
Nephew: "My bought you**... "
[insert my sister's muffled voice, "No! Shhhh! Don't tell her!"]
Nephew: "Gramma come down!" CLICK
I have not yet called to find out how the day went. In the blog world, I was flattered that Alyson from Alyzabeth Ann left me such a sweet comment in the previous post. When I followed the link to her blog to catch up, I saw this post about another blogger's thoughts on acknowledging the losses of adoption as well as the gains. It was a wonderful post and spoke to my strong preferences for accepting the stark truths in life so that I can better cope. If you have read secret thoughts of an adoptive mother, then you know what I mean. And you'll know I have no patience for people who prefer that you try to paint infertility in rosy shades of opportunity or who become angry with someone who tries to fully understand and impart the full gamut of emotions involved in adoption.
Just a few things to think about this Mother's Day. Peace.
*My nephew does not yet understand how the phone works, and usually begins talking as it's ringing on his end. As a result, you have very little time to process that he's asked you a question when you pick up the phone, because by the time you're on the other end, he's past the introduction stage.
**He also currently inserts the word "My" where he should be using the word "I." It makes for some very cute and amusing conversations.
I called my Mom this morning, and she seemed so incredibly delighted. It's not often that I'd use the word "bubbly" to describe my Mom, but there's no other word for her mood today. It's nice and flattering to think it was my phone call or card that had her so happy. I know the most likely truth though. My 3 year old nephew was the first person to call her this morning. She said the phone call went something like this:
Mom: "Hello?"
Nephew: "Gramma come down to my house*?"
Mom: "Hi honey! Sure I'll come down!"
Nephew: "My bought you**... "
[insert my sister's muffled voice, "No! Shhhh! Don't tell her!"]
Nephew: "Gramma come down!" CLICK
I have not yet called to find out how the day went. In the blog world, I was flattered that Alyson from Alyzabeth Ann left me such a sweet comment in the previous post. When I followed the link to her blog to catch up, I saw this post about another blogger's thoughts on acknowledging the losses of adoption as well as the gains. It was a wonderful post and spoke to my strong preferences for accepting the stark truths in life so that I can better cope. If you have read secret thoughts of an adoptive mother, then you know what I mean. And you'll know I have no patience for people who prefer that you try to paint infertility in rosy shades of opportunity or who become angry with someone who tries to fully understand and impart the full gamut of emotions involved in adoption.
Just a few things to think about this Mother's Day. Peace.
*My nephew does not yet understand how the phone works, and usually begins talking as it's ringing on his end. As a result, you have very little time to process that he's asked you a question when you pick up the phone, because by the time you're on the other end, he's past the introduction stage.
**He also currently inserts the word "My" where he should be using the word "I." It makes for some very cute and amusing conversations.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Hashing it Out: Part One
Hey there! Told ya I'd be wordy. So as a little aside and a happy thing, I thought I'd throw out there that I finished all of Kingdom Hearts 2. LOVED it. And after watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe on TV the other night, I am now re-reading the Chronicles in eager anticipation of Prince Caspian. These books are perfect for movie adaptation because they leave so much up to your imagination and aren't as detailed as something like Harry Potter.**
Also, thank you so much for your wonderful support in the comments. You are really too kind, and it helped a lot. I've responded to them within the comments of the last post as well.
So now that you've had a little dash of light, let me get into the heavy stuff. Here is what I've (along with Hub's help) come up with for some of the issues.
1. I've decided to step back a bit from my friendships and evaluate where they stand. Am I reading more into the friendship than is actually there? If I am, I can then withdraw a little and take it for what it is. It's fine to have acquaintances and friendly co-workers, or even friends with few strings attached. I just have to be sure I know that's where the relationship is before I look for more support than is actually there. I also have to be more cautious and ensure that I am valuing myself first and foremost.
2. There's not much I can do about this other than work through the stages of grief. However, just putting it out there made me feel a lot better. I also talked to a friend of mine who said that she has never stopped working through it. She lost her Grandma 7 years ago. Her Grandma was the woman who raised her for a good portion of her life. She said it's gotten easier, but she still grieves some and misses her daily. Like me, she said her death just occurred at a time when she seemed more vulnerable to all the ramifications. It made me feel better to know I'm normal in this.
I will tackle 3 & 4 later. I got some advice and some decent ideas for them today as a matter of fact. Five requires its own whole essay I'm sure. Think I'm wordy now? You haven't seen the half of it. ;-)
**Which I also love, along with probably 80% of the rest of the known world.
Also, thank you so much for your wonderful support in the comments. You are really too kind, and it helped a lot. I've responded to them within the comments of the last post as well.
So now that you've had a little dash of light, let me get into the heavy stuff. Here is what I've (along with Hub's help) come up with for some of the issues.
1. I've decided to step back a bit from my friendships and evaluate where they stand. Am I reading more into the friendship than is actually there? If I am, I can then withdraw a little and take it for what it is. It's fine to have acquaintances and friendly co-workers, or even friends with few strings attached. I just have to be sure I know that's where the relationship is before I look for more support than is actually there. I also have to be more cautious and ensure that I am valuing myself first and foremost.
2. There's not much I can do about this other than work through the stages of grief. However, just putting it out there made me feel a lot better. I also talked to a friend of mine who said that she has never stopped working through it. She lost her Grandma 7 years ago. Her Grandma was the woman who raised her for a good portion of her life. She said it's gotten easier, but she still grieves some and misses her daily. Like me, she said her death just occurred at a time when she seemed more vulnerable to all the ramifications. It made me feel better to know I'm normal in this.
I will tackle 3 & 4 later. I got some advice and some decent ideas for them today as a matter of fact. Five requires its own whole essay I'm sure. Think I'm wordy now? You haven't seen the half of it. ;-)
**Which I also love, along with probably 80% of the rest of the known world.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
A LOT of Soul Searching
That's what has been going on in our house and in my head recently; more soul searching than I generally care to do. Things have not been "right" with me the past few weeks, so I set about trying to tackle the problem. I know, I know, I'm often less "right" than others (that's what DH loves about me - that off kilter feeling I bring to our home), but that's not what I mean. Stay with me here.
So I spent a few weeks stomping around, being pissy with others for small slights and feeling very unfulfilled and unhappy with myself before I decided to do something about it. This weekend I did a lot of talking with the Hub and spent a lot of time in my own company just thinking. I came up with a few things that may be causing this malcontent.
1. I am not over the loss of a close friend's support.
She was going through a rough patch just as I was going through my lap and some heavy duty treatments. Apparently those things don't mix for us. She's who she is, and I'm who I am. I couldn't take the "half friendship" stuff anymore. It was just too painful at a time when I had little strength for anything other than what I was dealing with at that point. But I mourned the loss of our relationship for months. I think I still feel a little lost without a friend of "my own" if you get what I mean. She was my sister in everything but name. I find myself trusting people less and feeling a little more alone. I need to complete closure on this.
2. I am not "over" the loss of my Grandfather
I am at the point now where I imagine some people think, "He was old, what did you expect?" or "She should surely stop talking about it now and move on." However, he has been gone less than a year. He was an integral part of my life. He was one of the only really steady male role models I had. I admire his life greatly and cherished his love and affection. I not only continue to grieve for myself, but for the whole family - particularly my Grandmother. Furthermore, the grief isn't the only issue. His passing started a chain reaction of thoughts in me that I can't seem to stem. As I've said before, it has made me contemplate life in general, what will happen to me and Ron, and how do I deal with the losses as they continue to come, as I continue to age. It's also even thrown my confusion about my religion into more chaos. I know you can't live like that. I know it. I know you need to live in the moment. It's something I did very successfully for years. However, even though I still live in the moment, I almost do it with a desperation... a desperation borne of this very stark understanding of life's truths. So number 2? Yeah, it's a biggie, and I need to work on it more.
3. The economy and our finances are a HUGE stress.
I dream at least twice a week that we lose our house and have to move into something awful. A big part of that is that even if we sold our house, we'd still be in tens of thousands of dollars of debt because of the poor housing market and the loss in value. We probably won't lose our house, but man is it hard to live as frugally and work as hard as we have been and not see much come of it.
4. I am unfulfilled and unhappy at work.
I have lost so much confidence in my leaders, and there's nowhere to turn. I still like what I do, and somewhat like the company, but I feel so stifled and mismanaged. The worst part is that others in the company seem to know that this is a problem, but are just waiting it out. It's easy for them to wait it out when they aren't on the bottom; recipients of all the sh*t that keeps rolling down that giant hill.
5. Finally - I am not as "at peace" with my reproductive status as I thought I was.
I am still very angry that even though my body is starting to respond, there is a very high chance I will never carry a child. That fact fills me with such an aching emptiness that I don't even know what to do with it. Furthermore, the more I learn about adoption, the more I understand that it comes with its own set of rejections, failed hopes and struggles. I just don't know if I can take starting that all over again with a new process. I think I might be a little more optimistic if we had the money to pursue private adoption since we could look all over the country, and would be working with mothers ready to give up their children, but we don't. It's as simple as that.
The Hub and I have already started talking about what all these problems look like and how we are going to address them. I fear that I will be very wordy in the coming days as I come to terms with all this and feel the need to purge myself all over the web as usual. Stay tuned.
So I spent a few weeks stomping around, being pissy with others for small slights and feeling very unfulfilled and unhappy with myself before I decided to do something about it. This weekend I did a lot of talking with the Hub and spent a lot of time in my own company just thinking. I came up with a few things that may be causing this malcontent.
1. I am not over the loss of a close friend's support.
She was going through a rough patch just as I was going through my lap and some heavy duty treatments. Apparently those things don't mix for us. She's who she is, and I'm who I am. I couldn't take the "half friendship" stuff anymore. It was just too painful at a time when I had little strength for anything other than what I was dealing with at that point. But I mourned the loss of our relationship for months. I think I still feel a little lost without a friend of "my own" if you get what I mean. She was my sister in everything but name. I find myself trusting people less and feeling a little more alone. I need to complete closure on this.
2. I am not "over" the loss of my Grandfather
I am at the point now where I imagine some people think, "He was old, what did you expect?" or "She should surely stop talking about it now and move on." However, he has been gone less than a year. He was an integral part of my life. He was one of the only really steady male role models I had. I admire his life greatly and cherished his love and affection. I not only continue to grieve for myself, but for the whole family - particularly my Grandmother. Furthermore, the grief isn't the only issue. His passing started a chain reaction of thoughts in me that I can't seem to stem. As I've said before, it has made me contemplate life in general, what will happen to me and Ron, and how do I deal with the losses as they continue to come, as I continue to age. It's also even thrown my confusion about my religion into more chaos. I know you can't live like that. I know it. I know you need to live in the moment. It's something I did very successfully for years. However, even though I still live in the moment, I almost do it with a desperation... a desperation borne of this very stark understanding of life's truths. So number 2? Yeah, it's a biggie, and I need to work on it more.
3. The economy and our finances are a HUGE stress.
I dream at least twice a week that we lose our house and have to move into something awful. A big part of that is that even if we sold our house, we'd still be in tens of thousands of dollars of debt because of the poor housing market and the loss in value. We probably won't lose our house, but man is it hard to live as frugally and work as hard as we have been and not see much come of it.
4. I am unfulfilled and unhappy at work.
I have lost so much confidence in my leaders, and there's nowhere to turn. I still like what I do, and somewhat like the company, but I feel so stifled and mismanaged. The worst part is that others in the company seem to know that this is a problem, but are just waiting it out. It's easy for them to wait it out when they aren't on the bottom; recipients of all the sh*t that keeps rolling down that giant hill.
5. Finally - I am not as "at peace" with my reproductive status as I thought I was.
I am still very angry that even though my body is starting to respond, there is a very high chance I will never carry a child. That fact fills me with such an aching emptiness that I don't even know what to do with it. Furthermore, the more I learn about adoption, the more I understand that it comes with its own set of rejections, failed hopes and struggles. I just don't know if I can take starting that all over again with a new process. I think I might be a little more optimistic if we had the money to pursue private adoption since we could look all over the country, and would be working with mothers ready to give up their children, but we don't. It's as simple as that.
The Hub and I have already started talking about what all these problems look like and how we are going to address them. I fear that I will be very wordy in the coming days as I come to terms with all this and feel the need to purge myself all over the web as usual. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
A New Game
Lizzybo at Over My Head has tagged me for a new game! Let's see how I do...
4 Things I Did 10 Years go (1998)
1. I was in my 2nd semester of sophomore year at college. I had just learned that college was a lot harder than high school in that you HAD to study if you wanted to get A's.
2. I started a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend at the time... who later became my wonderful husband. Aaaah the mix of heady first love and separation angst. I could have written a lot of bad poetry during this period. ;-)
3. I started traveling more and more on my own by driving to see various relatives and aforementioned husband. I was starting to feel like a REAL grown-up!
4. I took on lots of jobs during school, and different ones at break times more geared to my major. Money became much more of directly troubling factor in my life.
4 Things I did 5 Years Ago (2003 - this one is MUCH easier to remember)
1. I GOT MARRIED! We had our ceremony in a tiny little church in my tiny little village in the mountains of my home. This church was where my Mom, Grandma and Great Grandma were all married. It's also where most of my Mom's family is buried. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and one of the greatest experiences of my life. There were over 100 people there, and almost all of them were family. However, the only really concrete memories I have of that day (since I was in such a cloud) are of feeling like a beautiful princess and anything that connected with the Hub. He was perfect. (Lizzy - we have been married the same amt of time!)
2. Our honeymoon. It was in Antigua. The little all-inclusive, family owned resort was absolute perfection. To this day, it is still the only place I've ever been that completely lived up to the hype of its brochure. We still talk about it and about going back.
3. We began planning our move. It wasn't cemented yet, but it was between Florida, California, New York City area and Chicago.
4. I started learning to take jumps in my horseback riding lessons! What an exhilarating feeling! God do I still miss that...
4 Things I did Yesterday
1. Went to a city garden with a very nice fellow infertile.
2. Celebrated Cinqo de Mayo with some work friends and the help of Mr. Cuervo. (Bet you didn't know that I love tequila.. the only liquor that I like straight)
3. Finished reading the "His Dark Materials" series - Brilliantly written, very disturbing, intensely thought provoking.
4. Hugged my husband very tightly when I saw him again. :)
4 Shows I love to Watch
1. Friends
2. The Amazing Race
3. Naruto
4. Jeopardy/The Office
(not a big TV watcher)
4 Things That Make Me Really Happy
1. My Husband
2. My sweet, adorable pets
3. Phone calls/visits from family and friends
4. Nature in almost any form. Although I have questions and some difficulty with Religion, here is where I feel closest to the creation of this world and how we are all interconnected.
I tag Stephanie, K&K, Michelle, Farah and Freyja (if you want to of course).
4 Things I Did 10 Years go (1998)
1. I was in my 2nd semester of sophomore year at college. I had just learned that college was a lot harder than high school in that you HAD to study if you wanted to get A's.
2. I started a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend at the time... who later became my wonderful husband. Aaaah the mix of heady first love and separation angst. I could have written a lot of bad poetry during this period. ;-)
3. I started traveling more and more on my own by driving to see various relatives and aforementioned husband. I was starting to feel like a REAL grown-up!
4. I took on lots of jobs during school, and different ones at break times more geared to my major. Money became much more of directly troubling factor in my life.
4 Things I did 5 Years Ago (2003 - this one is MUCH easier to remember)
1. I GOT MARRIED! We had our ceremony in a tiny little church in my tiny little village in the mountains of my home. This church was where my Mom, Grandma and Great Grandma were all married. It's also where most of my Mom's family is buried. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and one of the greatest experiences of my life. There were over 100 people there, and almost all of them were family. However, the only really concrete memories I have of that day (since I was in such a cloud) are of feeling like a beautiful princess and anything that connected with the Hub. He was perfect. (Lizzy - we have been married the same amt of time!)
2. Our honeymoon. It was in Antigua. The little all-inclusive, family owned resort was absolute perfection. To this day, it is still the only place I've ever been that completely lived up to the hype of its brochure. We still talk about it and about going back.
3. We began planning our move. It wasn't cemented yet, but it was between Florida, California, New York City area and Chicago.
4. I started learning to take jumps in my horseback riding lessons! What an exhilarating feeling! God do I still miss that...
4 Things I did Yesterday
1. Went to a city garden with a very nice fellow infertile.
2. Celebrated Cinqo de Mayo with some work friends and the help of Mr. Cuervo. (Bet you didn't know that I love tequila.. the only liquor that I like straight)
3. Finished reading the "His Dark Materials" series - Brilliantly written, very disturbing, intensely thought provoking.
4. Hugged my husband very tightly when I saw him again. :)
4 Shows I love to Watch
1. Friends
2. The Amazing Race
3. Naruto
4. Jeopardy/The Office
(not a big TV watcher)
4 Things That Make Me Really Happy
1. My Husband
2. My sweet, adorable pets
3. Phone calls/visits from family and friends
4. Nature in almost any form. Although I have questions and some difficulty with Religion, here is where I feel closest to the creation of this world and how we are all interconnected.
I tag Stephanie, K&K, Michelle, Farah and Freyja (if you want to of course).
Pretty things mixed with discontent (the usual for me)
I promised photos! Here they are. I'm sorry about the lack of humans in the photos, but it's hard to have a semi-anonymous blog with photos of yourself and your friends featured prominently.
I thought it quite appropriate to post this pineapple picture following one of my recent posts. Isn't it pretty? It's so tiny, and I love the pink! I know there are different types of pineapples, but I have no clue what sort this is.
Banyan trees are beautiful, and some of my favorites, along with cypress.
Stephanie took many more beautiful plant photos than I did, so that's all I have to contribute. Unfortunately, the birdies were too far away for my pitiful little camera. But we did see many thrushes (migrants) and cardinals, some adorable moorhen chicks, tons of American redstarts (a migrant) and a little tufted titmouse that flew right across the path. They are brave little souls for their tiny size. I heard lots more species, but didn't look very hard for the birds I have seen many times before.
I have to say though that one of my favorite moments finding a bunch of cute succulent and bromeliad (Stephanie, correct me if I'm wrong) epiphytes (air plants) at the gift shop. They were quite affordable, and I love them so I nabbed some. We can't seem to keep bugs out of the soil of indoor plants down here in our house for some reason. We already have 2 little ferns, but they aren't as pretty as these:
As for me personally; apparently the AF hormones have found me. I have been moody and depressed all morning. Part of the problem is that since my family life is not turning out as I had hoped, I've been focusing more on work again for fulfillment. The difficulty in that, is that some things are going on there which make it hard for me to find any fulfillment or growth. Then I'm reminded all over again about how I'm stuck and need to find a way up and out. It's just that I've had so much change, so often in my life, that I was happy to be stable for once. Now it looks like I'm going to have to seriously consider moving on before I was ready. Is it only so difficult for me, or am I just more vocal about it? I feel like I can't stabilize my emotions for long before I have problems again. And I struggle daily to conquer that. Am I really the only one?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Enjoying the day in spite of myself
There is no denying that summer is fast approaching in Florida. However, the difference between spring and summer is that in the springtime we still get our beautiful mornings and evenings. In the summer, it's just aaaaaaalll HOT. Stephanie and I took advantage of the beautiful morning today to explore a local botanical garden. I quite enjoyed myself and even spotted migrant birds! One of them was the black throated blue warbler. I had never seen that before, so I was very excited. Stephanie seemed to very much enjoy the rich variety of plant life to be found. And God bless her, she even showed some interest in my bird nerd-ness.
I would like to talk more about how today went, but I can't find my camera hooker-upper thingy to download photos. This annoys me. My annoyance affects my ability to write about happy things. That annoyance is further fueled by the fact that the Witch is here to visit. I have to say though, that for a which, she's being very unusually kind to me. I seem to be getting off with what I like to call "normal person" cramps, and mild irritation rather than homicidal tendencies. Maybe fate felt that I had a really bum hand with my last round, so I deserved a rest.
One thing that disturbs me is that it seems I had an 11 day luteal phase this month instead of my usual 13-15. The only thing that's regular about my newfound "regular" ovulation is that it's not regular, if you get my drift.
Later on tonight I'm supposed to head out for another girls outing. Let's hope I'm not too bitchy for them. I've been a pissy-pants at work lately. I guess now we know why!
I'm sorry Stephanie. I plan to do our outing justice later. It's a good thing you got out of there when you did, because the real crankiness set in soon after. ;-)
I would like to talk more about how today went, but I can't find my camera hooker-upper thingy to download photos. This annoys me. My annoyance affects my ability to write about happy things. That annoyance is further fueled by the fact that the Witch is here to visit. I have to say though, that for a which, she's being very unusually kind to me. I seem to be getting off with what I like to call "normal person" cramps, and mild irritation rather than homicidal tendencies. Maybe fate felt that I had a really bum hand with my last round, so I deserved a rest.
One thing that disturbs me is that it seems I had an 11 day luteal phase this month instead of my usual 13-15. The only thing that's regular about my newfound "regular" ovulation is that it's not regular, if you get my drift.
Later on tonight I'm supposed to head out for another girls outing. Let's hope I'm not too bitchy for them. I've been a pissy-pants at work lately. I guess now we know why!
I'm sorry Stephanie. I plan to do our outing justice later. It's a good thing you got out of there when you did, because the real crankiness set in soon after. ;-)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Off-Topic Plea for Assistance
Seems as if I may be the only one headed to Europe after all. NOT exactly what I had in mind. Could anyone having experience with the thoroughly ridiculous Canadian passport renewal process shoot me a note? Especially helpful would be Canadians currently living in the U.S. who have had to do it. We are facing a problem here. sigh. Talk about depressing.
Must.... Eat.... Fooooood
Even if I wasn't charting, the fact that I'm in my luteal phase with progesterone coursing through my body would be obvious by the ever present, almost manic, need for food and a few peculiar, yet familiar cravings. This doesn't happen every time, but it happens more often than not. For example, I spent most of today at work desperate for any snack I could get my hands on. Lunch and a few small snacks are never enough for me in my LP. You'd think I would have learned this by now. But nooooooo. I try to take fewer things to eat in the hopes that if it's not there, I won't lose my cool. Wrong every time. It's actually worse if I don't take snacks because then I spend a total of about 2 hours expressing my starvation state and driving my co-workers crazy in a frenzied snack rampage. This usually ends with less money in my pocket, and more crappy food in my belly. When am I going to learn?
However, I am proud to say that I was a good girl tonight. The things I seem to crave most at this time are salt, vinegar, garlic, chocolate and protein. Some examples of awesome craving killers right now are garlic pickles, french fries, scrambled eggs and buttery toast, Odwalla protein drinks (especially if chocolate is involved) and beef jerky with cheddar cheese and some grapes on the side. Now those of you who know me well know that I do not eat beef. I do not eat pork. But man do I want that jerky now!
But I suppose I really digress... What I was trying to say is that I had a yummy dinner! I made some penne pasta and added some roasted tomato pasta sauce. Since I'm craving garlic and salt like a fiend, I added a healthy dose of both along with onion and pepper. Mmmmmmmm. It really hit the spot. And for dessert, I had a roasted dessert banana. I don't know if any of you have ever had that, but here's how it works:
1. You take one banana, lay it on its side.
2. Cut a section out of the center, but leave the flap to push back over when you fill it.
3. Fill the center section with flavored chips (I prefer chocolate) and peanut butter
or PB chips and marshmallows if desired.
4. Close flap and cover in foil like you would a baked potato.
5. Bake in oven at around 300 degrees for about 10 mins, depending on
how you'd like it done.
6. Open flap and enjoy with a spoon!
I used my no sugar added, natural peanut butter and refrained from using marshmallows. Therefore, with just chocolate chips as the "bad" thing, I felt like I had a pretty healthy dessert! Now if I can only keep my cool for a few more days as AF sets in....
However, I am proud to say that I was a good girl tonight. The things I seem to crave most at this time are salt, vinegar, garlic, chocolate and protein. Some examples of awesome craving killers right now are garlic pickles, french fries, scrambled eggs and buttery toast, Odwalla protein drinks (especially if chocolate is involved) and beef jerky with cheddar cheese and some grapes on the side. Now those of you who know me well know that I do not eat beef. I do not eat pork. But man do I want that jerky now!
But I suppose I really digress... What I was trying to say is that I had a yummy dinner! I made some penne pasta and added some roasted tomato pasta sauce. Since I'm craving garlic and salt like a fiend, I added a healthy dose of both along with onion and pepper. Mmmmmmmm. It really hit the spot. And for dessert, I had a roasted dessert banana. I don't know if any of you have ever had that, but here's how it works:
1. You take one banana, lay it on its side.
2. Cut a section out of the center, but leave the flap to push back over when you fill it.
3. Fill the center section with flavored chips (I prefer chocolate) and peanut butter
or PB chips and marshmallows if desired.
4. Close flap and cover in foil like you would a baked potato.
5. Bake in oven at around 300 degrees for about 10 mins, depending on
how you'd like it done.
6. Open flap and enjoy with a spoon!
I used my no sugar added, natural peanut butter and refrained from using marshmallows. Therefore, with just chocolate chips as the "bad" thing, I felt like I had a pretty healthy dessert! Now if I can only keep my cool for a few more days as AF sets in....
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