Violence

I just found out today from a neighbor (and verified on our County Sheriff's site) that there was a mugging at gunpoint in our neighborhood. And it was not only in our neighborhood, it was right around our clubhouse. Those are the very roads that E and I run, walk and play around many of our weekends. Our area is generally very safe for one so close to the city, but there's nothing like a national scare and one right next door shortly after to make me want to hide in the house.

The crazy thing is, the guy held up a lady with a baby in a stroller... Because we often have vast riches when we're out for a walk? It makes me sad to think he might have stolen her wedding ring. I know she gave him a phone and iPod, and he sped off.

I want it to get better, but I'm afraid it won't.

I Should Be a Grandma With All This Talk

I found a new general practitioner recommended to me by a coworker. She is nothing short of amazing. She completely trusts my word! She's actually a Nurse Practitioner and goes to bat for me like no one else ever has as a GP. I finally kicked Dr. HolierThanThou (who knew next to nothing about most of my issues) to the curb and went to see the NP about my worsening joint pain and suddenly rising triglycerides along with my ever crappy cholesterol issues. My triglycerides had come down from that 500 reading after going on Metformin, but they've still hovered in the 200's most of the time.

The run-down:
She ran a lot of tests. The basic finding is that my lipid bloodwork heavily suggests metabolic syndrome, aka insulin resistance. Big surprise there. We all know that having PCOS is a very strong indicator that IR might be going on. The suggestion there is that my HDL should be higher than usually suggested and that my LDL lower. Of course this is never even close to being the case no matter what I do. They also found that my LDL size pattern itself is even crappy and indicative of a genetically passed on heart disease. The best pattern to have is A; the large buoyant, "fluffy" kind that doesn't gunk up your arteries as much. Next most desirable is a combo of A/B. Least desirable is mostly B; the small, dense kind that clogs you up. Can you guess where I fall? Yeah. Firmly in the B category. Even my HDL breakdown isn't where they'd like to see it. Sigh.

And on the joint pain - no indicators of rheumatoid arthritis, but she strongly suspects some sort of arthritic changes going on in my body and would like to do x-rays at some point to possibly even start me on therapy to strengthen muscles around the joints so I can stay pain free (ish) longer. 

She thinks the crashes I've been having after running have to do with insulin issues. She gave me ideas for making that easier. 

She heavily suggested fenofibrate. My cholesterol has been wacky since I've had it monitored from age 23. Triglycerides have been going on 2 years. Nothing I've done has put me firmly in the "good" category. She and I are afraid I'm heading down my familial path: heart attack for Dad at 48. Marathon running uncle with triglycerides in the 1000's. Grandfather with a heart attack. Grandma with 10 brothers and sisters and of the 11, only 2 lived past 65. Almost all died of massive heart attacks.. most of them after having multiple ones before and/or bypass surgery. Grandma herself started having them in her late 40's, and I think had 6 total? She died of one in our living room at age 60. 

People have mocked me for worrying about this. "You're only 25! You're only 30! You're only 35!" "You're so active! You're thin! You eat so well!" Well you know what? Heart disease doesn't give a shit just like cancer and infertility don't give a shit. I've seen a deadly massive heart attack. It's not pretty. It's not a going gently into that good night. I don't want to experience a heart attack ever let alone a massive one. I want to be around for possible grandchildren. I want to get gray to match Hub (dig.. he's gray, I'm not. ;-) 

I'm going on the fenofibrate and continuing to eat things like quinoa, bean sprouts, salmon and avocado regularly. I will redouble my efforts to exercise and build lean muscle. I haven't been the best about muscle building since my job has done a lot of it for me, but now I need to. I suspect my blog will continue to chronicle these efforts. It's been slowly changing since I've had E, but I think I need to make a more official change from infertility blog to lifestyle blog about someone dealing with the fallout of PCOS, thyroid disease, insulin resistance and heart issues. Please wish me lots of luck. And any of you taking fenofibrate or dealing with this same stuff, pipe up and let me know how it's going. We all know how much better not being the only one feels. I can't be the only 35 year old in this spot right?

The Bare Truth on Future Pregnancy

If you remember, I hashed out my thoughts (which Hub shares) on us having no more children. And each and every thing I said still rings true. But do you know what the heaviest truth is?

Right now I am blissfully happy with E. I try to stay aware and helpful for those who do not have my happiness, but I am effing terrified of the what ifs. Rightly or wrongly, I feel like we cheated the system. I feel triumphant and victorious. I still have loads of fears for E as he grows, but they aren't as irrationally strong as the ones surrounding pregnancy and infancy. And you know what? I almost feel blissfully naive again. Or at least I can pretend I am. And I am not in the least prepared to give that up.

About the Ta-Tas*

Is it strange that to me, women wrapped in their blue exam robes at the imaging center look elegant? That whole experience is full of contradiction. I find the robes elegant and the women beautiful and kind, yet as I hug the mammography machine and the tech smooshes my girls into, let's face it, comical positions between two plastic plates, the absurdity of how it would look to the uneducated observer makes me stifle giggles.


I'm back from my 6 month follow up to my previous mammogram where they found breast calcifications. You may remember that I had lots of breast pain during and post pregnancy, and the doctor sent me to have a mammogram after my milk dried up. They found calficiations, which are usually nothing (upon further research, I'm assuming they are microcalcifications), but can be indicative of a bigger problem. Therefore, they wanted to monitor a little more closely. Today they took the usual ton and a half images and did another ultrasound. While lying there, I realized I have had more ultrasounds than I can even count. There have been 3 thyroid sonograms, 2 breast ultrasounds, 6 baby ultrasounds and many many fertility treatment ultrasounds. The people at the center always say things like, "Thanks for being so good about this!" and I think, "This is cake!" 


But even though they say not to worry, I always fret a bit during these sorts of tests. Today I'm fretting more than before because my u/s tech acted differently than the last time. Last time she declared that all looked good and clear, and I was free to go. This time, she came in and (perhaps only to my over-worried imagination) acted more subdued with me after reporting to the doctor. She said to call my doctor for more detailed results in about 3-4 days. I'm hoping her lack of mentioning that everything looked good wasn't anything ominous. Thoughts from those who've done this?


*Good thing I'm not on search engines

Bedtime Saga Updated

So we realized that E no longer seemed as comfy in his crib, so we fluffed it up a bit, and his naptime improved dramatically. He had longer, more restful sleeps and went down without crying again.
As for the other steps in our training plan, we got through step 6 with flying colors. He had been fighting all bedtime and crying in the middle of the night even with me. We got to where he ran eagerly fir bedtime and only took minutes to fall asleep rather than hours. And there was no more wailing in the middle of the night. We even started on step 7 and didn't have a lot of angst at first. I pulled the futon up beside his crib and snuggled in. He threw a fit... A fit that didn't stop. He kept asking for the "bed." He started to heave and gag.
At this point, I conceded defeat and asked him if he wanted a big boy bed like "Caillou." He said yes and we talked more about a bed while he indicated he didn't like the crib. We had wondered about this. So sadly now he doesn't want to go to sleep at all again, and we're resetting. We're also at the sad junction of realizing that we now need to really toddler proof his room and convert his crib to a bed. Nothing big I guess seeing as it's not like he's ever been a fabulous sleeper for more than a month at a time. It's more an emotional adjustment. There's a lot of worry about his safety, and a little angst about this big neon, "I'm not a baby!" flashing sign.
We will adjust the plan to his new bed as soon as it's ready. Oh my baby. In the meantime, I welcome advice and thoughts.

She's Baaaack

OK, so she was never really gone, but we are starting to see more and more PCOS related changes in my blood work again. Most notably, while my cholesterol levels are reflecting dietary changes by being annoyingly out of whack as opposed to "let's put you on medication" screwiness, my triglycerides have not obliged. They are beyond "semi-high" and trucking for the border. They're overachievers those triglycerides. I've done the diet and exercise thing and only ever seen "better" with it and not "optimal." I'm tired of trying so hard. At this point it's go on triglyceride lowering drugs or look to PCOS as the culprit and manage that first. Since I've also been having my "crashes" in the morning and my newly regular cycles seem to be lengthening, after visiting Endo today (have I mentioned that I love them there?) we've decided to go the way of Metformin again. We always knew this would probably be the case, and in a way I'm relieved, but oh man, here we go on the food roller coaster.

I had been annoyed lately by a stubborn 10+ pounds (I lost 2 on my diet fix) that wouldn't go away (another PCOS crapper), but now I'm thinking I should keep all the "skinny" clothes since last time I got down to high school weight from being so sick in the beginning on Met. That time I had the willpower to do it as one of my last resorts for getting pregnant and staying healthy. This time it's one of my last resorts so I don't travel the same tragic heart health road as family members before me. Wish me luck!

On the Second Child

WARNING: Lots of frank discussion on my experiences with pregnancy and thoughts about second children. Feeling sensitive? Might want to skip it.

Note: This post from 2008 still has a lot of relevance to my decisions today. How interesting it was to see the pre-baby me again.

The topic of a second child is on my mind at least once a day. I'm thinking about whether we should add to our family, the way in which we should add to our family, why we've made some of the decisions we have already made regarding that possibility and/or how I'd like to blog about it. I've made mention that I wanted to discuss this before, and I'm just finally getting around to it. This topic takes a long time to brew before it can really be served up for others. Even now I know that time and circumstances are going to change some of our thoughts for sure. But I feel that I'm ready to share where we are at this time.

As far as a third pregnancy, (you'll remember that my first via Femara/iui didn't last so long) both of us pretty firmly agree that there won't be one that we've planned. There won't even be one by surprise unless we seriously mess up (and my body happens to be cooperating.) Hub is a little more firm in this stance than I am, as my motherly hormones sometimes make me a bit wistful, but I'm right on board with this decision. The reasons? Oh there are so many reasons. Can I just laze it up and make a list?

1. I remember the bitterness, roller coaster, depression and the final dichotomy of painful yet joyful relief in acceptance that struggling to conceive wrought. I do not want to take any chances that I will EVER go there again. And I know I would. I have so much trouble accepting what I see as failure. And I'm very demanding about what I want.

2. Much in line with number 1, we are so at peace and happy with our lives now. I am so so thankful to be someone who is able to accept life with one biological child and be ok with that. In fact, I'm more than ok. I am practically in the clouds most days.

3. We don't have the money or much space or time for a second biological child. We are stuck in our small, 2 bedroom house. We are so grateful to have it, and we love it, but it is financially impossible to leave it, and space is definitely tight. To assure that there wouldn't be as much struggle to conceive, it would probably need to be soon while I'm still enjoying the results of a break in my PCOS spiral. But two in daycare would be financial ruin. And if I quit my job, we'd lose health benefits for our family. No winning there. And time wise, we work so much that we find ourselves (much like many others) fighting to get time together and have even some left over for pets, friends, other relatives etc. This all means we'd be waiting until E was at least 4 to even go for another... which leads me to my next problem...

4. I would be 35-36 and Hub near 40 before we even started trying. No, that's not so old if you conceive quickly right? But what are my chances of that? I mean, let's face it, then I'd not only be dealing with PCOS eggs, I'd be dealing with PCOS AMA eggs. And the problem was mostly me, but not entirely. Hub would be aging right along with me.

5. Along with 4, I have a huge mental block (and a fatigue problem that I know will get worse due to my medical conditions) about being an "older" parent. The age I was having E is good. I don't want to go any farther.

6. I never want to even create the chance to experience pregnancy loss again.

7. Two Words: Post Partum. It was so incredibly difficult for me, and I'm so the victim of my hormones, that I don't know that I ever want to do that again either... especially and try to be a Mom for E. I think it would be better the second time around, but what if it wasn't? What if the high blood pressure got worse? What if high blood pressure actually interfered with the pregnancy? It was a struggle to work to the end of my pregnancy as it was. What if I couldn't come back emotionally? Yes I know they are all "what-ifs," but not worth it for me right now.

Don't get me wrong. I am so incredibly grateful for this experience. It was worth every single hiccup, all the physical pain, all the emotional pain... everything. It was amazing. I would do ALL of it all over again even knowing what would happen if it meant the chance to be a mother period... if it meant the chance to bear one child and have him in our lives. It's worth it for that. But now we have it. We have him, and it's amazing. It's splendid. It's wonderful. As Jen and I say, "We've won." And I want to keep living it like that without the specter of infertility or other complications hanging over our heads. But this is all so very individual, so don't ever think I'm judging anyone else for their choices.

HOWEVER - note that I have not discussed what has been in my heart for years - the subject of adoption. It's still there; a little lump of love in my heart for children looking for their families. I see them, and I love them all. I think often how I'd like to have another child in our lives. I'd like E to have a brother or sister (right now it's brother because OH how enamored am I with boys now!). I'd like to grow our family. I'd like to adopt from the state system. It's something I've always wanted to do, and it negates so many of my previous concerns. But of course, it brings up so many new ones. Will it bring too much discord into our lives? Will the heartaches of adoption prove too much to handle? Are we good enough? Would our nurture outweigh the damage that's already been done? What if by nature we get a child with whom we can't connect? But for now, we wait until it's time to talk about it. And we'll be a happy family even if we don't travel that road. But all that is a post for another time... years away.

The Creepy Next Door

So you remember the creepy old neighbor next door? I would link to my stories about him, but I can't seem to find them and don't have the time for a long search. Anyway, if you do, you'll remember that he seems to kind of... come on.. to me. OK, so kissing me on the side of the neck is more than a come on, it's straight up freaky, but I don't get close enough to him anymore for that to happen.

He seemed to calm down during the latter half of my pregnancy and the beginning of my motherhood experiences. But now that I'm "lookin' good" again, I think he's back in form. Aside from mentioning how "good" I look on a regular basis, he's also been talking a lot about how well fed my baby is. And it's nothing I can really put my finger on, but he just says it in a creepy way. It doesn't help that the first time he said it, his daughter had just asked me about how breast feeding was going (in not so many words) right before that. I get the distinct feeling that he's also been trying to catch me outside alone again. And he gets entirely too close to my baby when he manages to get near him.

Ugh, ugh, UGH. Please save me from oversexed 80 something year old men with seriously ridiculous delusions. *shiver* Oh well. At least I could knock him down and run away fairly easily.

Here Goes Nothin

Here I go. I'm posting a photo... of me... of the baby. ACK!
I am well worn and not at all made up in this photo, and it wasn't the most well thought out moment, but it's still one of my favorites. Hub snapped it in our kitchen before running off to work closer to the end of my 9 week maternity leave. Baby and I had woken up not long before and were having a sleepy, lovey morning. I love how soft the light and our faces are. He's wearing pink because that's Elizabeth's sleep sack. He's a modern baby. Speaking of Elizabeth, we received the play silks that I won in Jen's contest in the mail today. They're beautiful! Photos coming probably in the next few days or so.

Scary...advice?

Twice, E has appeared to have a trickle of milk come out his nose. He does not act bothered at all by this, but it scares the crap out of me. Should I be concerned? Has anyone else seen this? I will call the doc tomorrow if need be.

And we wonder why people have problems...

The bills are still rolling in but...

What it costs to have a baby with our situations at our hospital: ~$20000.00
What our HMO paid: Little more than half
What we have to pay: ~$1000.00

Thank God my yearly out of pocket is $1200.00 - but this does not include co-pays.

Labor Help PLEASE?

So last night around 12:30am, I started getting really regular contractions that felt different from my previous Braxton-Hicks. I timed them and they were about 9-11 minutes apart. I rested for a while until they got more intense and seemingly more frequent. Around 1:30 they were 6-9 minutes apart, and I started experiencing chills and some nausea. I went to bed to get some sleep. At 4:30, they were 5-7 mins apart, in my back, front and cervix and lasting more than a minute, so I called my doctor's office. I still wasn't sure if it was real labor or not. They advised me to go to the hospital.

At the hospital, they found me to be 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is at -1 or -2 station. (They weren't sure.) My contractions increased and strengthened and went to about 3 minutes apart for an hour or so. They sent me out to walk for 2 hours, but when I came back, contractions were stronger and more painful, but still at 2-5 minutes apart, and there was nothing new with my cervix.

Now I'm at home with some pain medication, instructions to rest and eat and then walk, walk, walk, and to come back when it's time. My big question is this. How in the HELL do I know when it's time? My contractions are already pretty painful (though not unbearable.. just difficult to walk and speak through for some, just discomfort for others) and very frequent. What else is going to change if my water doesn't break to let me know it's time to go? More pain? I'm a little freaked because I was relying on contraction timing to know when it was time to go to the hospital. Now I have no idea. Does anyone have any advice? Please?

P.S. I wrote the previous post yesterday and scheduled it to post this AM. That's why I have a long post when I should have been worried about the baby.

Advice

Breast cancer has found one in our family, (Funny how you think it won't) and big surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. I would love it if anyone who has had experience with this disease would let me know what helped them the most as far as gifts, support, well wishes etc go. I want to provide support with the sensitivity and caring that she deserves.

Not Immune

I am back from the 3 hour glucose tolerance test. Well, I've been back for a while, but food and sleeping had to come before blogging. It really wasn't so bad. I mean, it wasn't as bad as you would think for guzzling the orange crap and having 4 blood draws in 3 hours with an empty tummy. I was really lucky to have the very gentle guy who has a soothing voice and rarely hurts me at all and never leaves a bruise. He was so careful to not do the same draw twice. As for how I felt, the first hour and a half were bleeeeeh, but then I felt better. I'm hoping this is a sign my body dealt ok with the sugar? I know, I know. Don't get ahead of myself.

In any case, I had all these plans that I was going to write down blog ideas I had, make shopping lists and in short, just be all productive. Yeah right. I'm really glad I had my easy read book, Betrayed with me. I finished the whole thing. I liked it. I think I liked it enough to read the next few.

I did at least think about blogging while I sat there. I thought about the fact that while I'm pretty comfortable with this pregnancy now most of the time, I am most definitely not immune to the terror of something happening to my baby. As long as everything is going exactly according to plan, I feel great. But if one of my blood tests comes back a little off, or I don't feel him kicking quite so much one day, I worry.... a lot. People were so wonderful to me when I had my chemical pregnancy.* I was obviously devastated that one of our expensive, crappy procedures ended that way and that my possible little life was gone. However, I did know that it wasn't the same for me as losing it later on would have been. And people were so kind in saying that it was the same, that I was still a Mom and all that. But now I know for sure that for me, the loss of this pregnancy would be a devastation nowhere near what I felt then. I would mourn the loss of my child with all my heart. The stakes are so much higher now that when anything goes even a little off, that panicky voice tries to pipe up.

That's partly why I got the flu shot, and why I kick myself that I delayed on getting the H1N1 and now it's not here anymore. It was available for one day. I can handle getting sick and feeling miserable. What I can't handle is the guilt if I got sick and something happened to my baby when I had the possible power to prevent it. I dodged a bullet this week. We just found out that a friend we just visited was coming down with the swine flu while we were there. Luckily both Hub and I are past the point where we would be showing signs if we were to get it. However, Hub has been working his tail off and seems to catch everything, and I work around lots of people every day. I hope we continue with this luck.


*fyi just in case - meaning that you had a pregnancy.. implanted and all but you only had blood test results to prove it because it was lost so early. It always bugs me when people say it was a pregnancy that didn't implant. Because if it didn't implant, you wouldn't get a positive pregnancy or blood test. And you usually lose the pregnancy much after it should have implanted with a chemical.

Anxiety

Yes, I am awake at 3:01 am, typing on my blog. Practice for baby? Perhaps. I call it plain old fashioned anxiety rearing its head as usual, along with a good healthy side dose of "my belly is stretching painfully in a brand new place, my body is a blast furnace, and I can't get comfortable." I remember being astonished in the early stages of this pregnancy that I was so little affected by the mood swings everyone seems to experience. I thought at the time that perhaps I just had such severe mood swings often in my every day life, that these seemed minor in comparison. Now I think maybe that nature was just holding on to throw it at me later.

I'm very stable and happy most of the time but my anxiety levels have been humming at a slightly higher frequency for a while. When you throw in the occasional mood-swingy day, it adds up to a not so pretty picture. Today (yesterday now?) was one of those days. The slightest frustration has the tears welling. Things that normally would annoy me in passing become a fixation. At the same time, issues that have bothered me quite a lot for a while become matters of national security. I feel vulnerable, anxious, unable to affect change and inadequate. Is this what the pregnancy books mean when they say you may be experiencing "uncertainty, fears and changes in emotion?" The funny thing is, it's rarely about the baby himself. For example, right now it has been:

-"How am I going to work full time and care for my baby adequately? I'm a bad Mom!"
-"I'm so tired, I can hardly drag myself into work now. Is this going to continue?"
-"I feel guilty that Hub seems to be eating for two along WITH me at a time when he can't afford to do that either!"
-"People are going to notice my mood swings and think it's something they did, or think I'm ungrateful for this sweet, wonderful miracle in my life."
-"I'm costing us so much money in food and energy costs (because of being so hot at night I have to turn the a/c down), and that's horrible when we need to save so badly."
-"I'm never going to get enough done in this house, and Hub is so busy he doesn't help me enough!"
-"I hardly see Hub for fun stuff anymore, and I hate his work because of it!"
-And the reverse, "I feel guilty for expecting Hub to help me more when he's at a critical break through in his career! I need to support him more, especially since he's waited so long for this and supported me emotionally for years while I did what I needed to do in my career!"

ARGH. I suppose this is the kind of stuff that doesn't end with the birth of the baby huh? Compromises suddenly become huge deals. What a learning curve this all is. I wouldn't give it up for the world, but wow.

Getting Away With It?

Today marks one month of pregnancy - one month at what seems to me to be cheating the system. Because let's be honest here, with my medical issues, the amount of time we tried, and what others go through, it really seems like we're cheating the system, and oh is it going to be pissed when it figures this out. Let's hope it never does.

I've been having the infamous crazy dreams. Oh who am I kidding? It doesn't take pregnancy for me to dream up crazy shit. But Jen was featured in one of them. I wonder if she would mind me sharing?

We've been telling a few people here and there; people we need for support, or people we feel guilty not telling at this point. Every time I start this process or even when Hub does, my heart starts to pound and my mouth goes dry. I literally feel a fight or flight response. Why is this I wonder? Do I feel like we're waving a red flag to the system? "Hey, we're out here! We CHEATED! Come take it away!" Am I worried this is one more person we'll have to UNtell? Or is it just the enormity of the subject that makes my heart seize up? I am fairly introverted after all.

Maybe it's a combination of lots of complex factors. I'm just praying this doesn't end up knocking me on my ass. More non-pregnancy related posts soon, I promise.

Wonky

So here I sit - 5 hours after I went to bed - unable to sleep, crampy, anxious and with my heart racing. What the hell is going on? Let me give the background. I've been having crazy mood swings, been weepy one minute, elated the next, sleepy the next minute, hyper another. I lost a couple more pounds. That's not something I should be doing. I thought I had finally stabilized with the weight thing. My temperatures have been nice and even, though a little higher than normal.

Last night, I hit a mood swing/depression high reminiscent of the Clomid days. Then I started to get crampy and had a little bleeding. Was I getting my period? Who knows! This morning, my pulse is at 100 beats per minute, and I feel like I should run six times around the house. I'm hot, but not sweaty. I'm still crampy, but I have a nervous, crazy energy and my eyes feel peeled open.

Is this what it feels like when your thyroid decides to sputter to life unexpectedly? Many of these things also happen right before I get my period.... which would also be weird considering my temp is UP, and it's way early with no ovulation. Perhaps I should call my doctor eh?

Catching Up

We're back, and I will be catching up, but things are insane right now. I can't even write a cohesive, coherent post about it all, so you're going to get it in blurbs. Europe was exhilarating, enlightening, beautiful and a great chance to get away from our lives. Unfortunately, it didn't take long to have it all come crashing back.

*Aunt died this morning. More complications from the whole process. As usual at this early
stage, most are numb and nothing is figured out yet. Since prices of everything went up a lot even in that short week we were gone, am I going to have money to go to the funeral? Hell, are we going to have money to do anything if this doesn't stop soon?

*There was a birth in the family. At least that's a good thing. I just wish I had already borne a
playmate for the new one. CONGRATULATIONS M&H!

*I got my period on the second plane back home... the plane that was delayed, and in which the a/c was broken at first so we sat on a sweltering tarmac for 40 minutes while they fixed it. Nice. However, I noticed that it came at exactly the time it should have come for me to have ovulated on cycle day 24... just like the last 2 cycles. Maybe I did ovulate, and it just wasn't a good one, or maybe my body is just actually having regular menses now even if I don't ovulate. I am very happy about either case because it's still more regular than I was before. I just wish we could bump up the ovulation day a little bit. It would be nice if this would work for me because I don't see us having the money for that last try at IUI any time soon. It just seems too frivolous when we're dealing with all this family and financial stuff.

I will write more about how wonderful Germany and the Netherlands were along with photos when I feel more up to it. I was so entranced by our trip, and it filled me with such joy that I don't want to write about it until I can do it justice.

Now I'm on to catch up on everyone's lives.

Lots of love,
FCiF

The need to talk about it

My Aunt is not doing well. I only get updates third hand because she lives in my family's home far from here. But basically the doctors don't really know for sure other than to say that it's not good. She's currently in a coma. I think we're supposed to learn more tonight. My heart is very heavy with the fact that we could lose her. I was going to see her again in July. She's such a vibrant, integral part of our family, and she's only in her late 60's. How can this happen? What is so awful is that her heart has stabilized. Complications after the heart attack are what's killing her. It's all just so maddening.

Much of the family is convinced that she can fight through this. She's nothing if not a fighter. I'm trying to hold onto that flicker of hope. My cousin (her daughter) told this story from the night of the attack to illustrate her iron will:

Aunt had been having pain for a while before finally telling her daughter to call the ambulance. As the ambulance was on its way, Aunt began having difficulty breathing, and the pain was so intense she could barely talk.

Uncle dashed into the bedroom to change his shirt. He walked into Aunt's view as he was buttoning it. Aunt took one look at him and said between strained breaths, "Hon... you're... buttoning it....... wrong."

Uncle obediently began re-buttoning his shirt right up to the tippy top button around the neckline. Aunt rolled her eyes toward him again and grunted, "Leave... the top... one... open. It looks.... stupid."

That is so Aunt to do that everyone who heard the story had to chuckle at her cheek. She is always last on her list of worries and so in charge and conscious of what's going on around her. She's also full of plain, down home style piss and vinegar in addition to her warmth and kindness. I'm trying to think about all that positive stuff until we know more.

Excuses, Excuses

I fear I am going to be very distracted for the next few weeks. Please don't take it personally if I don't visit my usual haunts for a while. My Aunt had a massive heart attack the other day, and with complications from it, she's still not out of the woods. That is taking up a lot of my thoughts.

Secondly, Hub's passport came through, and we leave for Europe next week. We'll be there for about a week. I'm running around like a crazy woman to get everything arranged. I'm very excited, but very nervous about this first overseas trip and worried about something happening with my Aunt while we're gone.

Last (and definitely least), I'm on cycle day 24 and am spotting. I have not ovulated, nor should I be seeing AF yet. Odd. Take care, and I'll be updating when I can. Thanks once again for your continuing and wonderful support on my "Hashing Part 3" post. It really is a help.