So last night around 12:30am, I started getting really regular contractions that felt different from my previous Braxton-Hicks. I timed them and they were about 9-11 minutes apart. I rested for a while until they got more intense and seemingly more frequent. Around 1:30 they were 6-9 minutes apart, and I started experiencing chills and some nausea. I went to bed to get some sleep. At 4:30, they were 5-7 mins apart, in my back, front and cervix and lasting more than a minute, so I called my doctor's office. I still wasn't sure if it was real labor or not. They advised me to go to the hospital.
At the hospital, they found me to be 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is at -1 or -2 station. (They weren't sure.) My contractions increased and strengthened and went to about 3 minutes apart for an hour or so. They sent me out to walk for 2 hours, but when I came back, contractions were stronger and more painful, but still at 2-5 minutes apart, and there was nothing new with my cervix.
Now I'm at home with some pain medication, instructions to rest and eat and then walk, walk, walk, and to come back when it's time. My big question is this. How in the HELL do I know when it's time? My contractions are already pretty painful (though not unbearable.. just difficult to walk and speak through for some, just discomfort for others) and very frequent. What else is going to change if my water doesn't break to let me know it's time to go? More pain? I'm a little freaked because I was relying on contraction timing to know when it was time to go to the hospital. Now I have no idea. Does anyone have any advice? Please?
P.S. I wrote the previous post yesterday and scheduled it to post this AM. That's why I have a long post when I should have been worried about the baby.
Showing posts with label Me - Pregnant?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Me - Pregnant?. Show all posts
Sunday, January 3, 2010
But Everyone Else is Doing it!
So yeah.. I usually won't follow trends just to be a butthead, but I really like summing up this whole decade of my life in little blurbs thing like I've seen a bunch of other bloggers do. Thanks for letting me steal your ideas!
2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)
End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.
October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.
November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)
2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)
Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.
Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.
2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)
2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.
2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.
Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.
October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.
2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.
I grow even more professionally.
2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.
March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.
May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.
Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.
I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.
At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.
The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.
Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.
2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.
August - We close on our first house!
I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.
October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.
November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.
December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.
2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?
I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.
I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .
Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.
August - Our five year wedding anniversary!
December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.
2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!
January - I begin class and love it!
March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.
May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.
I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.
And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.
Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!
2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)
End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.
October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.
November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)
2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)
Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.
Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.
2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)
2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.
2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.
Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.
October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.
2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.
I grow even more professionally.
2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.
March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.
May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.
Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.
I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.
At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.
The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.
Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.
2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.
August - We close on our first house!
I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.
October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.
November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.
December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.
2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?
I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.
I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .
Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.
August - Our five year wedding anniversary!
December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.
2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!
January - I begin class and love it!
March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.
May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.
I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.
And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.
Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Fear and Exhilaration
Recently I decided that pregnancy is for me, very much like a trip by plane. Years ago, I had a string of very bad experiences during flights that led to me developing high anxiety every time a trip approached. I still went through the process anyway because I knew I had to for my desired result, but it was hard on me emotionally and physically.
I would be tense with trepidation as I boarded and would sit with baited breath as we taxied. Though the power of take-off for me was always an exhilarating experience filled with the excitement of my trip, I was also aware that take-off is considered one of the riskier moments of air travel. So I'd grip the armrests and try my best to hide the conflicted swirlings of my emotions.
Then that blessed moment of peace would come when the captain would announce that we'd reached our cruising altitude and could move about the cabin. Being someone who researches the heck out of things that scare or concern me, I knew this was a relatively "safe" time. I could breathe easier, do some crosswords if it didn't aggravate my motion sickness, and get up for that anxiety pee that had been poking my bladder in earnest. On my better days, I could even rest my head against the wall for a relaxing snooze. All I had to worry about were possible turbulence that may not even come, and the ways in which I was going to enjoy our upcoming vacation. I often wouldn't even think about the landing. I prefer to take each moment as it comes to deal with it.
Just as I'd completely relaxed though, I would feel those changes in altitude. Following that was the announcement that we had begun our descent into "X" airport. That always thrilled me because it meant we were so close to a new experience, and travel is one of my favorite things in the world. At the same time though, we'd have to land to get there - yet another of the "riskier" moments, and one that always scared me because I couldn't feel those strong engines lifting us up like I could during take-off. It feels to me much like a graceful fall, which I suppose it is.
So down we'd go. Again, I'd be gripping the armrests. Except this time I would stare at the ground and think about our chances of survival after a possible crash with each descent. In my head I'd chant, "almost there, almost there," before touch down allowed me to breathe out in a woosh of relief and pure happiness at our arrival.
With Hub's love and help and with a lot more positive flight experiences under my belt, I eventually began to relax enough to enjoy flight again. (Because despite all this, I truly do love planes and enjoy the amazing experience of flight. Having an Air Force pilot for a Grandfather didn't hurt.) I hope for pregnancy to be the same. The experience of getting to this point was filled with a lot of trials and pain while the beginning of pregnancy was amazing, terrifying, exciting and horrible. I finally developed a kind of peace during the second trimester and began enjoying the baby in my womb without so much fear. I thought perhaps I had conquered the nerves. But now I'm at the end. I'm at that point again where we start to worry about declining amniotic fluid, reduced fetal movement and the breakdown of the placenta. Then of course there's always the chance of need for induction, c-section or other intervention. I'm finding this stage almost as scary as the beginning. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I can feel the little stinker in there and touch his actual body parts with love. But when he doesn't move as he usually does? Well, then I panic just a little. And just the thought of anything jeopardizing this little one makes the thought of dealing with a plane crash and my mortality an almost easy thing to bear in comparison. I never understood that. I never could have imagined that... until now. Almost there... almost there.
I would be tense with trepidation as I boarded and would sit with baited breath as we taxied. Though the power of take-off for me was always an exhilarating experience filled with the excitement of my trip, I was also aware that take-off is considered one of the riskier moments of air travel. So I'd grip the armrests and try my best to hide the conflicted swirlings of my emotions.
Then that blessed moment of peace would come when the captain would announce that we'd reached our cruising altitude and could move about the cabin. Being someone who researches the heck out of things that scare or concern me, I knew this was a relatively "safe" time. I could breathe easier, do some crosswords if it didn't aggravate my motion sickness, and get up for that anxiety pee that had been poking my bladder in earnest. On my better days, I could even rest my head against the wall for a relaxing snooze. All I had to worry about were possible turbulence that may not even come, and the ways in which I was going to enjoy our upcoming vacation. I often wouldn't even think about the landing. I prefer to take each moment as it comes to deal with it.
Just as I'd completely relaxed though, I would feel those changes in altitude. Following that was the announcement that we had begun our descent into "X" airport. That always thrilled me because it meant we were so close to a new experience, and travel is one of my favorite things in the world. At the same time though, we'd have to land to get there - yet another of the "riskier" moments, and one that always scared me because I couldn't feel those strong engines lifting us up like I could during take-off. It feels to me much like a graceful fall, which I suppose it is.
So down we'd go. Again, I'd be gripping the armrests. Except this time I would stare at the ground and think about our chances of survival after a possible crash with each descent. In my head I'd chant, "almost there, almost there," before touch down allowed me to breathe out in a woosh of relief and pure happiness at our arrival.
With Hub's love and help and with a lot more positive flight experiences under my belt, I eventually began to relax enough to enjoy flight again. (Because despite all this, I truly do love planes and enjoy the amazing experience of flight. Having an Air Force pilot for a Grandfather didn't hurt.) I hope for pregnancy to be the same. The experience of getting to this point was filled with a lot of trials and pain while the beginning of pregnancy was amazing, terrifying, exciting and horrible. I finally developed a kind of peace during the second trimester and began enjoying the baby in my womb without so much fear. I thought perhaps I had conquered the nerves. But now I'm at the end. I'm at that point again where we start to worry about declining amniotic fluid, reduced fetal movement and the breakdown of the placenta. Then of course there's always the chance of need for induction, c-section or other intervention. I'm finding this stage almost as scary as the beginning. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I can feel the little stinker in there and touch his actual body parts with love. But when he doesn't move as he usually does? Well, then I panic just a little. And just the thought of anything jeopardizing this little one makes the thought of dealing with a plane crash and my mortality an almost easy thing to bear in comparison. I never understood that. I never could have imagined that... until now. Almost there... almost there.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Jumble of Thoughts from Yesterday
The hormones they must be a-changin again. I seem to be in the midst of some no-crazy, which is perfect timing because I was worried about the woe is me I'm home alone crap that happens when I feel like that. (Because I'm off work now!! WOOT! Just in time to save my horribly aching body!) And last night, I did not have night sweats! It's the little things don't ya know. Unfortunately, the random grumpy remains. I just hope this doesn't mean that things continue to NOT happen in there. I have an appointment today. We shall see.
It was very bittersweet to leave my work people last night knowing that I won't be there again for months. I do love my job, and they have been so very good to me. At the same time though, I had definitely reached the limit of my ability to do that job with any sort of efficacy. And the fatigue was awful and caused me emotional stress all day long. Had they not been so kind, things could have been bad.
Note, however, that every place has its annoying person/people, and I'm about to tell you of one of them. She just started on the team and appeared to me by behavior to be about 15, experience perhaps 22 and looks - maybe 24. I can handle her when working only in a professional capacity. When she turns personal, I have to watch my reactions. The interactions I'm about to describe have taken place plenty of times with me reacting to them in different ways in the hopes of diminishing their frequency. Obviously my methods have not yet worked. Here's how much of yesterday went:
Nice co-worker #1: So what does it FEEL like when he kicks? Does it hurt? Can you feel actual body parts from the outside? Is it weird?
Me: As dumb as it sounds, it feels exactly like you would think. It's like there's a little person inside you, bones and all pushing and poking. And no it doesn't hurt anymore unless he gets a tender spot... etc etc.
Annoying co-worker: (just walking in) EEEEEEEEEWWWW! SO GROSS! Ugh.
Me: Silence and completely ignoring (had been my latest tactic)
Later....
Nice co-worker #2: How have you been feeling? Is the pressure getting worse? Have you noticed any contractions increasing?
Annoying co-worker: (again - walking into our conversation) That is just TOO CREEPY. Yuck.
Me: silence
In the company vehicle at the end of the day when I am just DONE....
Nice co-worker #3: So why DO you burn so many calories breast feeding?
Me: Well, you're making sustenance for another human being from your own stores. That takes a lot of energy! And as they need more, you need to make more etc..
Annoying co-worker: Oh my GOD, SO SO GROOOOOOOOOOSSSSS! (and on and on.. not exaggerating I promise you)
Me: REALLY? Really? It isn't GROSS, it's what we DO. We're MAMMALS. We make MILK for our young. How are you from a science background and don't understand this?
Her: But it IS gross. It's just disgusting!
Me: It's what cows do. It's what horses do.
Her: EEEEEEEEWWWW
Me: It's a natural process. It's just ridiculous to be so grossed out by it and so vocal about that to someone you barely know who's doing it. (In my head: If you don't like to talk about it, leave or politely ask if we can change the subject)
Nice co-worker #3: Well, I know I am freaked out a bit by it and right now feel like I couldn't do it (in a slightly hurt tone)
Me: I completely understand that. It's totally normal to feel all those things. What I DON'T understand is thinking it's so incredibly abhorrent and unnatural that you can't even think or talk about it and that you'd express that to my face so obviously. It would be like me saying you hate your future babies for being scared of breast feeding... which I do NOT do.
By the way... annoying co-worker's actual age? 28.
It was very bittersweet to leave my work people last night knowing that I won't be there again for months. I do love my job, and they have been so very good to me. At the same time though, I had definitely reached the limit of my ability to do that job with any sort of efficacy. And the fatigue was awful and caused me emotional stress all day long. Had they not been so kind, things could have been bad.
Note, however, that every place has its annoying person/people, and I'm about to tell you of one of them. She just started on the team and appeared to me by behavior to be about 15, experience perhaps 22 and looks - maybe 24. I can handle her when working only in a professional capacity. When she turns personal, I have to watch my reactions. The interactions I'm about to describe have taken place plenty of times with me reacting to them in different ways in the hopes of diminishing their frequency. Obviously my methods have not yet worked. Here's how much of yesterday went:
Nice co-worker #1: So what does it FEEL like when he kicks? Does it hurt? Can you feel actual body parts from the outside? Is it weird?
Me: As dumb as it sounds, it feels exactly like you would think. It's like there's a little person inside you, bones and all pushing and poking. And no it doesn't hurt anymore unless he gets a tender spot... etc etc.
Annoying co-worker: (just walking in) EEEEEEEEEWWWW! SO GROSS! Ugh.
Me: Silence and completely ignoring (had been my latest tactic)
Later....
Nice co-worker #2: How have you been feeling? Is the pressure getting worse? Have you noticed any contractions increasing?
Annoying co-worker: (again - walking into our conversation) That is just TOO CREEPY. Yuck.
Me: silence
In the company vehicle at the end of the day when I am just DONE....
Nice co-worker #3: So why DO you burn so many calories breast feeding?
Me: Well, you're making sustenance for another human being from your own stores. That takes a lot of energy! And as they need more, you need to make more etc..
Annoying co-worker: Oh my GOD, SO SO GROOOOOOOOOOSSSSS! (and on and on.. not exaggerating I promise you)
Me: REALLY? Really? It isn't GROSS, it's what we DO. We're MAMMALS. We make MILK for our young. How are you from a science background and don't understand this?
Her: But it IS gross. It's just disgusting!
Me: It's what cows do. It's what horses do.
Her: EEEEEEEEWWWW
Me: It's a natural process. It's just ridiculous to be so grossed out by it and so vocal about that to someone you barely know who's doing it. (In my head: If you don't like to talk about it, leave or politely ask if we can change the subject)
Nice co-worker #3: Well, I know I am freaked out a bit by it and right now feel like I couldn't do it (in a slightly hurt tone)
Me: I completely understand that. It's totally normal to feel all those things. What I DON'T understand is thinking it's so incredibly abhorrent and unnatural that you can't even think or talk about it and that you'd express that to my face so obviously. It would be like me saying you hate your future babies for being scared of breast feeding... which I do NOT do.
By the way... annoying co-worker's actual age? 28.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Developments
Tonight Hub and I watched my belly move gently and rhythmically up and down as the babybutt practiced his breathing. Excuse my wonderful English here when I say that it was WAY cool.
You know what else is WAY cool? Tomorrow is my last day at work! Although now I just get to sit at home and be physically more comfortable, but all snarled up in my head. Come on baby! Come be with us soon!
You know what else is WAY cool? Tomorrow is my last day at work! Although now I just get to sit at home and be physically more comfortable, but all snarled up in my head. Come on baby! Come be with us soon!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Aggravated
I feel like a restless animal about to give birth that just can't get comfortable and has sudden fits of aggression and/or insecurity. I suppose that's accurate considering I AM an animal very close to giving birth. I'm just so agitated in mind and body. I can't get comfortable. Any wrinkle in my day equates to crazy anxiety for me. I stayed home from work today because I overdid it big time yesterday with some projects. I felt like my pelvis was going to fall apart along with other things. And when I'm at work, I'm paranoid, insecure and uncomfortable. However, now at home I'm lonely, frustrated and feeling guilty - all clear signs that the problem lies with me.
I can only assume hormone craziness is the culprit as usual. Last night it was cold in our home, yet I woke up in night sweats more than once. And the outward remnant Christmas mess and other unfinished projects in our home make it all the worse. When I'm in orderly surroundings, it feels easier to keep myself tied together on the inside. Please tell me it's not just me and that it will get easier as time goes on with the baby. I'm afraid of my wonkiness and afraid that post partum is going to be very difficult. At least my Mom will be here to help me.
I can only assume hormone craziness is the culprit as usual. Last night it was cold in our home, yet I woke up in night sweats more than once. And the outward remnant Christmas mess and other unfinished projects in our home make it all the worse. When I'm in orderly surroundings, it feels easier to keep myself tied together on the inside. Please tell me it's not just me and that it will get easier as time goes on with the baby. I'm afraid of my wonkiness and afraid that post partum is going to be very difficult. At least my Mom will be here to help me.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
38 Weeks 2 Days
And no sign at all that he wants to meet us anytime soon. (I guess my lovely painful Braxton-Hicks contractions that keep me up every night don't count.) Oh, and I officially feel huge and ungainly now.
Letters and Remembering
So excited about Christmas Eve. I've always loved this holiday, even with the crap, but this year is obviously so much better. My heart is with those of you struggling right now. We still did not put up that dreaded Baby's First Christmas ornament from years ago though. He will have his own next year.
There were a few more things I want to remember about pregnancy before my little goat makes his appearance. But many of these are also things I want him to know. Therefore, I am combining a memory list with a letter to my Babybutt.
I always want to remember:
1. Playing "where's the baby?" with Daddy. You probably think you're well hidden in your dark little cocoon, but that giant lump in my belly? It gives you away every time sweets. Lately though, the baby is pretty much everywhere.
2. How you like to wake up at 3:30 or 4 every morning and go crazy for a half hour or so. I think we can count on that continuing eh? Rocking often gets you back to sleep though.
3. The funny shapes you make out of my belly when I'm in the bath. Do you not like the warm water? This does not bode well...
4. How after a long day/week of work, my body is so sore at night that Daddy has to help me take off my shoes, get ready for my shower, put on my pants etc. He is very patient and kind. You'll like him.
5. How I got all misty about a onesie that said, "Proof that Miracles Happen," and Daddy really took to one that said, "Who Needs a Superhero When You Have Daddy?"
6. There is just SO MUCH of you in there! I feel stuffed full of arms and legs. It's incredible how many bones you have my love.
We reached 38 full weeks on Tuesday. We should have a baby no later than the 12th according to my doctor. How crazy is that? Photos soon. Warning: there has been much dropping and enlarging.
There were a few more things I want to remember about pregnancy before my little goat makes his appearance. But many of these are also things I want him to know. Therefore, I am combining a memory list with a letter to my Babybutt.
I always want to remember:
1. Playing "where's the baby?" with Daddy. You probably think you're well hidden in your dark little cocoon, but that giant lump in my belly? It gives you away every time sweets. Lately though, the baby is pretty much everywhere.
2. How you like to wake up at 3:30 or 4 every morning and go crazy for a half hour or so. I think we can count on that continuing eh? Rocking often gets you back to sleep though.
3. The funny shapes you make out of my belly when I'm in the bath. Do you not like the warm water? This does not bode well...
4. How after a long day/week of work, my body is so sore at night that Daddy has to help me take off my shoes, get ready for my shower, put on my pants etc. He is very patient and kind. You'll like him.
5. How I got all misty about a onesie that said, "Proof that Miracles Happen," and Daddy really took to one that said, "Who Needs a Superhero When You Have Daddy?"
6. There is just SO MUCH of you in there! I feel stuffed full of arms and legs. It's incredible how many bones you have my love.
We reached 38 full weeks on Tuesday. We should have a baby no later than the 12th according to my doctor. How crazy is that? Photos soon. Warning: there has been much dropping and enlarging.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Vulnerable
Now that things are so close, I'm back to feeling that vulnerability again. I don't know if it's hormones, big changes coming, or the fact that I can't do more than waddle from place to place, but the world feels a little more intimidating.
On the bright side of that, people are getting nicer and nicer in response. Perhaps they sense my nervousness? A coworker confessed her 4 year infertility with me the other day. She didn't know about mine, but it was that, "I think we have something in common" feeling you often get with others of the fertility challenged persuasion. She's just now at the beginning of treatments after not seeing anyone about it. She's still full of questions and naivete about what this all entails. It always feels good to use this crap experience to bolster up another human.
On the bright side of that, people are getting nicer and nicer in response. Perhaps they sense my nervousness? A coworker confessed her 4 year infertility with me the other day. She didn't know about mine, but it was that, "I think we have something in common" feeling you often get with others of the fertility challenged persuasion. She's just now at the beginning of treatments after not seeing anyone about it. She's still full of questions and naivete about what this all entails. It always feels good to use this crap experience to bolster up another human.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Blabber
Yahoo has been eating my blog comments again and putting them in spam. And now I can't find the "not spam" button. Strange. So what I'm getting to is if you expected a response to your comment and didn't get one, I apologize. I've gone back through. It was a kind of nice surprise to have comments I didn't know I had!
For some reason I feel like this baby isn't going to be too late. I have no idea why, it's just a feeling. I'm having a lot of pre-labor signs, but I know that can go on for weeks. Today, with Hub's help, I finished the projects I found most pressing. So now most of the carpet area has been vacuumed and shampooed throughout the house, the bathrooms are as clean as I'm going to get them right now, the laundry is at an acceptable level (still not finished of course), the dishes are done, most of my bag is packed and Christmas stuff is pretty settled. Now I just have to hope something I ordered for Hub comes in time. I want him to be happy. We aren't buying much this year since we're already getting a much anticipated and very expensive little bundle.
Though I don't want the babybutt to have a Christmas birthday for his sake, I feel like this holiday will forever have even more meaning for me. I fear I may cry every year that we decorate the tree from here on out.
Signing out with a hiccuping fetus.
FCiF
For some reason I feel like this baby isn't going to be too late. I have no idea why, it's just a feeling. I'm having a lot of pre-labor signs, but I know that can go on for weeks. Today, with Hub's help, I finished the projects I found most pressing. So now most of the carpet area has been vacuumed and shampooed throughout the house, the bathrooms are as clean as I'm going to get them right now, the laundry is at an acceptable level (still not finished of course), the dishes are done, most of my bag is packed and Christmas stuff is pretty settled. Now I just have to hope something I ordered for Hub comes in time. I want him to be happy. We aren't buying much this year since we're already getting a much anticipated and very expensive little bundle.
Though I don't want the babybutt to have a Christmas birthday for his sake, I feel like this holiday will forever have even more meaning for me. I fear I may cry every year that we decorate the tree from here on out.
Signing out with a hiccuping fetus.
FCiF
Friday, December 18, 2009
My Updates and Your Advice
If this is too long, please skip to the last paragraph to help me with advice on delivery!
I saw my beloved doctor yesterday. He said things are still closed up tight in there but that with the pre-labor signs starting and all that, that he could be born in either December or January. (Remember he's due the 5th). He thinks this baby is going to be fine in either case now. He also said he would like for me to not go more than a week late since the baby is already measuring as best they can estimate larger than average and more each week, and he's concerned about that for me. But he also said he would not like to induce without me dilating first. He thinks that's too risky unless you have no other option.
I've also learned that I am so lucky in my doctor and hospital. I've been talking about the things I've learned about what my delivery options are and what both support with other mothers. Through that, I've found that many other moms aren't even told they have these options or are not given the support they need to make their own decisions. It doesn't surprise me that so many women are moving toward midwives and doulas for this very reason. I just got really lucky. One example is that most moms I spoke to thought there was only one way to have an epidural - with your body completely useless from the waist down. However, my hospital and doctor have made sure I know that I can go in stages and different drug cocktails if I'd like. They can give you an epidural mix that allows you to still walk around, get up to go to the bathroom etc, and everything in between. That makes me feel fabulous because if I go for that, I think that's what I'd choose first.
In other news, I called and left an anonymous tip about the parking garage attendant. After all your advice and thinking about how he was actually hurting his coworkers by lowering the money intake into the hospital, I felt it was the right thing to do. The greater good ya know?
Finally, I have a call for advice. Tell me what were the things you could not have lived without during delivery and recovery. OR tell me what you most wished you'd brought or done. It's all a big wide open unknown for me, but I'm trying to make sure I do my best to be ready.
I saw my beloved doctor yesterday. He said things are still closed up tight in there but that with the pre-labor signs starting and all that, that he could be born in either December or January. (Remember he's due the 5th). He thinks this baby is going to be fine in either case now. He also said he would like for me to not go more than a week late since the baby is already measuring as best they can estimate larger than average and more each week, and he's concerned about that for me. But he also said he would not like to induce without me dilating first. He thinks that's too risky unless you have no other option.
I've also learned that I am so lucky in my doctor and hospital. I've been talking about the things I've learned about what my delivery options are and what both support with other mothers. Through that, I've found that many other moms aren't even told they have these options or are not given the support they need to make their own decisions. It doesn't surprise me that so many women are moving toward midwives and doulas for this very reason. I just got really lucky. One example is that most moms I spoke to thought there was only one way to have an epidural - with your body completely useless from the waist down. However, my hospital and doctor have made sure I know that I can go in stages and different drug cocktails if I'd like. They can give you an epidural mix that allows you to still walk around, get up to go to the bathroom etc, and everything in between. That makes me feel fabulous because if I go for that, I think that's what I'd choose first.
In other news, I called and left an anonymous tip about the parking garage attendant. After all your advice and thinking about how he was actually hurting his coworkers by lowering the money intake into the hospital, I felt it was the right thing to do. The greater good ya know?
Finally, I have a call for advice. Tell me what were the things you could not have lived without during delivery and recovery. OR tell me what you most wished you'd brought or done. It's all a big wide open unknown for me, but I'm trying to make sure I do my best to be ready.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Not So Progressive
I have been congratulating myself on my new found openness about my pregnancy. I answer questions easily and fluently. I let people (the ones I know and trust) touch my belly when they ask. I even offer it up to them. And what's more, I actually open up to people and offer updates about my little boy. I learned the other night though that I shouldn't have been so self-congratulatory. It must have just been that I have been surrounded lately by people with whom I've grown comfortable and trusting. Hub and I attended his annual work Christmas party recently, and it did not go that way at all. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed myself very much. But I was very uncomfortable and sometimes even prickly when people came to chat lightly about the baby. I still don't know exactly why this happens, but it seems to be similar reasons to what it was before. There were a very few people who offered up help or genuine reactions with whom I didn't mind chatting about it as much. Then most of the others talked to me about him as if we were discussing the weather. And sometimes I felt this maternal urge that closely approximated the "MINE!" toddler response. What the heck? I'm sure part of it is also my continuing discomfort at being in the center of anyone's attention unless I know them very very well. In THAT case, turn on the spotlight! Yup. That's me - bundle of contradictions and exceptions.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Letters to Babybutt
Dear Baby,
This weekend I learned a lot about how amazing the system is that will hopefully feed you when you're here. I also had a whole day class about how to welcome you to the world. There were many points in the class where I had to choke back emotional tears. Daddy felt the same way. (He'll try to tell you later it was dust in his eye, but don't believe him. He's just tough for you.)
Then... oh then, something that I had thought was probably nothing continued, and I got a little worried. I called my nurse, and she said I should probably go to the hospital just in case. I became very worried that you were going to come home with us a lot sooner than we thought! You would have been fine, but as I felt for your little feet and legs poking out of my side, I realized that I wasn't quite ready. I want these last few weeks with you snuggled up in there. I want to feel your heel press against my hand one more time at least. I want to watch you swish your little butt from side to side while you try to get comfy. And I even want to feel you get annoyed and push hard when I lie on the side you dislike in bed. We are both just SO excited to meet you. But we also waited a long time to have this, and we want to make sure to enjoy every single minute. I love the babybutt in my tummy as much as I will love the one out. At the same time, we're ready and can't wait to kiss your belly (Mama) and little feets (Daddy).
XO
M
P.S. It was all a false alarm little man. No worries. You and I passed all our tests with flying colors per the usual thank goodness, but we were both EXHAUSTED after all that.
This weekend I learned a lot about how amazing the system is that will hopefully feed you when you're here. I also had a whole day class about how to welcome you to the world. There were many points in the class where I had to choke back emotional tears. Daddy felt the same way. (He'll try to tell you later it was dust in his eye, but don't believe him. He's just tough for you.)
Then... oh then, something that I had thought was probably nothing continued, and I got a little worried. I called my nurse, and she said I should probably go to the hospital just in case. I became very worried that you were going to come home with us a lot sooner than we thought! You would have been fine, but as I felt for your little feet and legs poking out of my side, I realized that I wasn't quite ready. I want these last few weeks with you snuggled up in there. I want to feel your heel press against my hand one more time at least. I want to watch you swish your little butt from side to side while you try to get comfy. And I even want to feel you get annoyed and push hard when I lie on the side you dislike in bed. We are both just SO excited to meet you. But we also waited a long time to have this, and we want to make sure to enjoy every single minute. I love the babybutt in my tummy as much as I will love the one out. At the same time, we're ready and can't wait to kiss your belly (Mama) and little feets (Daddy).
XO
M
P.S. It was all a false alarm little man. No worries. You and I passed all our tests with flying colors per the usual thank goodness, but we were both EXHAUSTED after all that.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
NINE months!
Oh my God. What a mind blow! I woke up this morning very excited that we were at 36 weeks or 9 months. In fact, I woke at 4:30am and was so excited I couldn't sleep. My book assures me that were he to be born this week, he would be considered full term. Goooooo Babybutt! He's also very very excited today. He's been busting a move all day. Perhaps he knows too eh? It cracks me up to do these kick count sheets the doctor gave me because they're supposed to kick at least 10 times in a 3 hour period. It doesn't matter what time I choose to start monitoring, the longest the kid has ever taken to reach 10 movements is 40 minutes. It's usually somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes. Believe me, I notice immediately when he's quieter than usual. I've also gotten my first faint stretch marks under my belly. I noticed them after viewing a belly photo Hub took. He apparently noticed them long ago, but didn't mention them. He's learning. :) My other boy has dropped quite a bit too, and I can now breathe easier. I love you both boys.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Randomness - Because you haven't had much lately
Hub was super cute at our hospital tour tonight. He was so excited. It makes me so very happy to see him that happy about all this. Being in the delivery room made it all seem exciting and frighteningly real. I think we're ready though. I want him to bake a few more weeks, but then we're on! Oh, and I'm so happy to be giving birth in the hospital while it's so beautifully decorated for Christmas. It makes it so special. They say the decorations will be up until mid-January.
Also, I am currently obsessed with oranges and peanut butter and chocolate sandwiches. Oh yes, you heard correctly. You take bakery bread (other bread doesn't work as well), slather some Smucker's non sugar peanut butter on it, then sprinkle a few semi-sweet chocolate chips on top of that and fold it in half. Then you put it in the microwave for 10 seconds. It comes out in delicious peanut butter, chocolaty goodness. Why do these things work for my gut and others don't? I haven't the faintest clue. This one is fairly new.
Also, I am currently obsessed with oranges and peanut butter and chocolate sandwiches. Oh yes, you heard correctly. You take bakery bread (other bread doesn't work as well), slather some Smucker's non sugar peanut butter on it, then sprinkle a few semi-sweet chocolate chips on top of that and fold it in half. Then you put it in the microwave for 10 seconds. It comes out in delicious peanut butter, chocolaty goodness. Why do these things work for my gut and others don't? I haven't the faintest clue. This one is fairly new.
36 Week Ultrasound and Check-Up
OK, so we're not quite to 36 weeks, but this was the best compromise. We saw the little munchkin face today!!! They are estimating that right now he weighs between 5.5 and 6.5 pounds, which puts him in the 68th percentile. He's head down and will most likely stay that way until delivery. He also lived up to his reputation for being squirmy and discontent during ultrasound and doppler reads. We saw him move his arms, fold his hand over his rib cage, make suckling movements, practice "breathing," and turn his mouth down in what looked like a pout. It broke my heart, but was so cute at the same time! How appropriate considering I was just talking about how I found out that they cry in utero.
The amniotic fluid looks good. He's making all kinds of signs that he's healthy neurologically. The placenta is in an optimum position, and his heart looks excellent. We had a really good ultrasound tech who cooed over him and gave us all sorts of information about how good everything looked. It made me so happy. Most of them won't tell you if everything is ok. From what we can tell, it looks like he still has Hub's nose and possibly my chin. The cheeks are nice and round too. We love a cute, dimply baby. I cannot WAIT to meet him. In fact, wonderfulOB says he thinks that even if he went next week everything would be fine and that he's ready. NEXT WEEK?!?!? Holy crap time flies.
So without further ado, I present you with the money shot:
I know it can be hard to see, but basically you can just see his nose, lips and cheeks in the center of the shot squished between the tissue. His eyes are in shadow.
The amniotic fluid looks good. He's making all kinds of signs that he's healthy neurologically. The placenta is in an optimum position, and his heart looks excellent. We had a really good ultrasound tech who cooed over him and gave us all sorts of information about how good everything looked. It made me so happy. Most of them won't tell you if everything is ok. From what we can tell, it looks like he still has Hub's nose and possibly my chin. The cheeks are nice and round too. We love a cute, dimply baby. I cannot WAIT to meet him. In fact, wonderfulOB says he thinks that even if he went next week everything would be fine and that he's ready. NEXT WEEK?!?!? Holy crap time flies.
So without further ado, I present you with the money shot:
I know it can be hard to see, but basically you can just see his nose, lips and cheeks in the center of the shot squished between the tissue. His eyes are in shadow.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Letters to Babybutt
Dear Babybutt,
The other night I was reading about the different stages of labor. I read that emotionally, near the end of it I may have a sudden surge of excitement that I'm about to meet you. That hit home for me very suddenly. My heart beat sped up, and I got all breathless with the idea of seeing you for the first time. It was one of the first times I've felt that intensely and gave me a taste of what it will be like having you in my life. I also read that you probably cry in the womb, and that made me cry. It's already hard that sometimes things upset you, and I can't do anything to help! I'm sorry. Just know that I love you very much no matter what. I'll always do my best with you. I know that there will be times I fail, but know that I'm always trying my best to give you the love, support and comfort you deserve.
Love you lots and lots forever and ever.
M
The other night I was reading about the different stages of labor. I read that emotionally, near the end of it I may have a sudden surge of excitement that I'm about to meet you. That hit home for me very suddenly. My heart beat sped up, and I got all breathless with the idea of seeing you for the first time. It was one of the first times I've felt that intensely and gave me a taste of what it will be like having you in my life. I also read that you probably cry in the womb, and that made me cry. It's already hard that sometimes things upset you, and I can't do anything to help! I'm sorry. Just know that I love you very much no matter what. I'll always do my best with you. I know that there will be times I fail, but know that I'm always trying my best to give you the love, support and comfort you deserve.
Love you lots and lots forever and ever.
M
Monday, November 30, 2009
Disbelief
I am now almost 9 months pregnant. Work is getting increasingly difficult, my belly is growing by leaps and bounds and ripples around of its own accord, and our house is turning into a family home. Yet I still sometimes find it completely incredible that I'm going to be giving birth imminently. How is that? I have flashes where I fully comprehend it. Then the emotions almost sweep me away. But they are usually just that - flashes. A lot of the rest of the time I spend in a sort of dazed disbelief that this is actually happening to me. We are going to have a baby. He will be our son. I feel unbelievably lucky, blessed, excited, grateful and awestruck. Will I ever fully comprehend and believe it? When I'm holding him, will I feel like someone's going to smack me awake? We see him again on our (final!) ultrasound this week. Will it sink in for real then?
Is this a similar feeling for everyone? Or is it a sub-fertile's weirdness?
Is this a similar feeling for everyone? Or is it a sub-fertile's weirdness?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
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