Your Hill to Die On

We are all familiar with "mommy wars" by now. It's been blogged, talked and written about over and over. One of the things I've encountered frequently is the firmly stated assertion that someone WILL not and that I or you MUST NOT be making more than ONE MEAL AT DINNER TIME! 

To that I say, we all have our hills we're willing to die on. And you know what? That is not one of mine. If that makes you horribly upset or sad then I'm sorry for you. I could care less if that's the way you want to run your household. I know (and have heard aplenty) that there are numerous pros to sticking to your guns with one specific menu at each meal time, including the "I am not a short order cook" explanation. That's fabulous. You know what? I think I'd like to be a short order cook. I'm darn near a vegetarian. I'll eat particular chicken breast, a little turkey breast and the occasional very specific fish. Eggs are good IN things, not always on my plate. It's the way I am for many reasons and one of them is that I just don't like meat. My husband is a ravenous carnivore. He likes nothing better than a giant slab of steak with a tiny side of potatoes and vegetables. I like nothing better than a delicious salad with every veggie in it I can find. E is somewhere between the two of us. He's not so into beef, but he's currently in the toddler stage of chicken nuggets, hot dogs and french fries, YUM. (while I secretly gag.) 

My husband also does not have any of the blood lipid level issues I do, and while he's come a very long way toward healthier eating with me and is always game to try something new, I don't expect that he needs to limit himself to the extremes I do. 

Therefore, it's my and my family's pleasure to sometimes find what we'll all eat. I enjoy the juggling. After work when we're all home by 7 if we're lucky, we sometimes all eat some different form of quick cook meal. It's common for me to have a salad or sandwich, Hub to have a Stouffer's meal and E to have some sort of Gerber Graduate thing. Yup - horrible Mom here. I obviously don't care about my family right?

But seriously, we're not raising an ungrateful brat, I promise. Most people we meet seem to think he's a pretty gracious and polite child. And this is just not one of my parenting hills to die on. I plan on tightening it up some when he gets older, but I still will never force him to eat things he hates. He needs to TRY things he doesn't know well, but he doesn't have to finish a plateful of it. My mother never made me do that, and I grew from the typical picky eater child into an adult who will try almost any vegetable dish out there. Meat is simply my sticking point, and that's ok. 

So, I have my hills, but not too many I'd die on. I just can't afford (due to my personality and lifestyle) to go to that level of devotion. What's most important to me are manners, exposure to a wide variety of interests, ethnicities and world views and an appreciation for the outdoors and exercise. The rest? We'll figure it out I promise. Do you have a Hill to Die On?

From the Mouth of E

E: I'm singing a song Mommy! Want to sing it too?
Me: Sure! How does it go?
E: random song with the words "round up" sprinkled throughout.
E: Want to watch the song Mommy?
Me: Sure. Is it on the Kindle?
E: No. It's on the DVD player in my mouth!

Don't Do It (a little advice)

1. Crayola colored bubbles. There's a reason for all the warnings on the label. MESSY.

2. Hop (the movie). Not really for kids. Not the best thing I've ever seen. (understatement alert)

Parenting Pundits

I get really tired of so many "experts" talking about how we should raise children in practically every sense. I believe there is no catch all other than do not abuse.

I'm also tired of, "if we parented like the French, or in the 40s, or the 50's, or like the Chinese..." The list goes on and on. Here's the thing. I don't believe we are in a "parenting crisis." Youth issues are so much more complicated than that. I also don't believe parents who search for a different way are necessarily "wrong."

What is important is that we parent in a style that works for our families and that consistency is maintained. Abuse and/or negligence is not acceptable, but I don't believe most parents exhibit those traits. Call me an optimist, but those smug, "experts" be damned.
The end.

Anticipating Parenting Struggles

A couple instances got me thinking on my parenting. First, my cousin has been dealing with some pretty heavy duty tantrums in her home with her 3 year old and is working hard on parenting solutions. Second, Jen mentioned reading some books about parenting of which I'd never heard. I read some of the baby and one year old books and even "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" (which I loved), but I think it's time to educate myself on the more advanced parenting that is fast approaching with E.

We, as a family, I would say are all 3 highly sensitive people. Hub deals much better and is able to close it down, but I think he still has that empathy as well. This seems to be the biggest stumbling block we have when dealing with other people, daycare, etc with E. I want to educate myself as much as possible so I can provide him with a firm foundation for school and life. We worry a lot about his success in large groups of children. 

So I've done some searching and came up with these books. Can anyone tell me if they've read them and like or not like them? It's so difficult with a sensitive child because I read everywhere that it's estimated that only 15% to 20% of the population is like this. That must be why most people think we're either A. Full of crap when we mention it or B. Just want an excuse to baby our wonderful child. Well Eff them. 

Here's the list. I appreciate any insights!

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping your child thrive in an extroverted world

The Strong Sensitive Boy

The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them (This title in particularly struck me as accurate)

 

IF Follows Even on the "Other Side"

Today I went to get my blood drawn for the appointment where they test to see if the Met has made a difference in my blood lipids. That's a whole anxiety post in itself.
What really struck me however, was my encounter with the phlebotomist. I've had her before. She's really sweet and always makes children small talk. This time, she asked (as I clench up because I hear it so often) if E is the first and only. When I nodded, she murmured, "That's so sad."
What? Conflicted immediately. She's so kind that it's hard to be angry. And I guess it is a little sad in some ways. But those are personal. What's so sad to her I wonder? Is it our decision itself? Is it that we or E are missing out on the joys of siblings? Will he not have as good a life as an only child? (which I reject) Is it that she assumes it's out of our hands?
Mind still whirring, I stuttered something about possibly adopting. As always, I lamely feel the need to defend my decisions. It's not until afterwards that I know what I wished I had said...
"It's not sad at all. It's miraculous and awesome that we got this chance at all. We are in love now with the family life we lucked into. Every single day is a blessing, and I am content and as happy as I've ever been. So please congratulate us that we are where we are when so many still struggle."

Sleep Update

Sleep. It seems it's been the main theme of my life since E was born. Anyway, a few of you have asked how it's going on that front. I imagine you can tell by the lapse in my blogging and commenting that we aren't perfect in that arena right now. He's back to going to bed easily with me and falling asleep fairly well. He still awakens a lot in the night talking or fussing. I think his brain is just buzzing right now. We tried the toddler bed, and it was just a big fail. I think our next tactic is to get the full sized mattress, put it on the floor for now and sleep with him less and less each night until he's used to sleeping in his own room by himself. I don't imagine we won't have fallbacks, but we need to get back to some semblance of our normal. 

Any thoughts on toddler adjustment to new beds welcome as always. 

*Sniffle*

Oh the glory and the horror of having a babysitter watch your baby on your extra day off while you get big house projects finished.

Bedtime Saga Updated

So we realized that E no longer seemed as comfy in his crib, so we fluffed it up a bit, and his naptime improved dramatically. He had longer, more restful sleeps and went down without crying again.
As for the other steps in our training plan, we got through step 6 with flying colors. He had been fighting all bedtime and crying in the middle of the night even with me. We got to where he ran eagerly fir bedtime and only took minutes to fall asleep rather than hours. And there was no more wailing in the middle of the night. We even started on step 7 and didn't have a lot of angst at first. I pulled the futon up beside his crib and snuggled in. He threw a fit... A fit that didn't stop. He kept asking for the "bed." He started to heave and gag.
At this point, I conceded defeat and asked him if he wanted a big boy bed like "Caillou." He said yes and we talked more about a bed while he indicated he didn't like the crib. We had wondered about this. So sadly now he doesn't want to go to sleep at all again, and we're resetting. We're also at the sad junction of realizing that we now need to really toddler proof his room and convert his crib to a bed. Nothing big I guess seeing as it's not like he's ever been a fabulous sleeper for more than a month at a time. It's more an emotional adjustment. There's a lot of worry about his safety, and a little angst about this big neon, "I'm not a baby!" flashing sign.
We will adjust the plan to his new bed as soon as it's ready. Oh my baby. In the meantime, I welcome advice and thoughts.

Small Success

Tonight, for the first time in weeks, and after day 3 of our training plan, E wasn't nervous about his room, asked to go to bed, and fell asleep quickly and easily! Yay for the right path!

Training Plan for my Toddler

E is in a phase of SERIOUS sleep regression. We're talking sleep regression in every way possible. Part of it is developmental I'm sure. He's saying a lot of, "Scary Mommy! Spooky." and "Not comfy!" But there are more issues that aren't really important to delve into here. Suffice it to say, it got to the point where I said to myself, "Barb. Think about this from a training perspective. Addressing all this little issues is just slapping a temporary band aid on them and not treating the whole problem." So after talking to Hub and Jen, I did just that.

So now you get to see what a real training plan in action looks like. (Crying it out failed spectacularly) And it may fail. And we may need to retrain. But that's ok. We have a plan and consistency, and that helps. So here goes...

1. Play time in E's bedroom and crib before bed. 
2. Upon bedtime, go straight to our room and have him wind down by stories and him "talking it out" (he seems to need this now) before falling asleep.
3. Repeat for 2-3 days.
4. Add reading books in the rocker to play time in E's room. 
5. Repeat steps 1-4 for 2-3 days or until the rocker seems comfy.
6. Add turning lights off and singing while in rocker (he's been weird about the dark even with a night light)
7. Repeat steps 1-6 until he is comfortable.
8.Try putting him in the crib after adding some more "comfy" stuff, and Mommy may stay to help him.
9. At this point, either go back a few steps if there is a fail, or phase Mommy out of staying by reducing time in there. This step is still in development depending on his reaction.

The end.

Parenting Funnies

Seriously. Read this. So true, and you will bust a gut.

Http://crappypictures.typepad.com

Posting in the Comments

So lately, (as some of you can attest), I've been writing more in your comments sections than in my posts. And I think that some of this material that was prompted by your lovely thoughts should have been used to create my own lovely thoughts here... except that I have been somewhat brain dead and distracted. Therefore, I will share with you just one of those since I particularly liked the original post that spawned it.

Recently, Dresden (yay for a name!) at Creating Motherhood posted asking what you think parenting newsletters should really tell you but don't. This was my contribution:

How, although the whole newborn thing is magical, wonderful, lovely etc, you will also feel like you’ve been hit by a mack truck for a while… and then can’t stop crying that you just didn’t get hit by that truck in the right WAY. You’re a horrible accident victim. And everyone else will tell you how if you had stood just a little to the left, the truck would have creamed you SO MUCH BETTER. OK.. actually, it’s probably easier being hit by a real mack truck.

Tired Mean Mama

Dear people who make prolonged and unnecessary noise outside my son's window after midnight,

Pray you never meet me in a dark alley. (turn the loud jalopy off already!)

Yours,
Tired mama who just got him to sleep and is disturbed by your rudeness herself.

Of Sleep and more Not Blogging

Things E requires to sleep:
Full tummy
No change in routine
No distress
His Pooh lovey (unwashed)*
White noise
Night light
Seahorse (thank you thank you Elizabeth)
The right prep
The right temp and the clothes of his choosing.
No "ghosts" (new appearing tonight)

Starting to think we are lucky we even get the weeks when he says, "I can nap?" goes right down and sleeps through. We still co sleep occasionally... Like tonight.

*made the huge mistake of washing Pooh in a detergent load tonight when I usually use Eco nuts or no scent stuff. He kept throwing him down and crying hard, "Poooh!! Are you??? POOH." Mommy epic fail.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

Your new pooping time of at precisely the beginning of nap time is a little inconvenient. Interesting though is Mommy's ability to smell it through your closed door. I'm not sure if this is a testament to Mommy's skill or your stinky-ness.

Love you,
M

Potty Adventures

We always let the baby run "nakey" after his bath. He was stooping and bending a lot, but I didn't think much of it. We had one little "pee pee" incident before I saw him get into position. The bad news is that one made it to the carpet. The good news is that when I ran him to the potty, he finished going on it!*

*Side note: He's been telling us a lot now when he has to "poo" and almost every time he's "Tinky" or has "Poop dipey." As he said to Hub the other day, "Poop go away!"

Intelligence or Bad Parenting? Companion Post

The ever witty Jen posted this about the ever amusing Elizabeth on her blog today, and I could immediately relate. So here is my version of that story:

Recently I noticed that almost every time I put my hand on E's head from the front seat (he's still rear facing), he says, "FWIES?" "Fwies" descend from that direction when he's having a snack attack. He also says it when he notices any fast food type establishment out the window.

Sometimes E gets very hungry in the car, and golgish, chos and stwabees just don't cut it.

I experience the same confusion as Jen and don't know whether I should relate this story of my son's knowledge proudly or sweep it under the rug. You'd never know I regularly cook and freeze healthy food for my son's daycare.

Guest Post - The Need to do it "Right"

Intro by Barb:

I've often thought about having guest posts and about doing guest posts myself on other blogs. However, I am famously not that organized, and my blog tends to be more of a fly by the seat of my pants sort of thing. It's how I stay interested and motivated by it.

In any case, this week has been a little crazy. I was rear ended with E in the car yesterday. We are both fine, but the car may not be. It was completely the other guy's fault, so coverage (including rental car) is completely covered thank God. E also developed an ear infection and sore throat that evening, so we're having a few challenges.

Luckily for me, I've been wanting to post something my cousin wrote on her personal (protected) blog for quite a while. Warning: It's a Mommy struggles post, so if you're feeling sensitive, you may want to steer clear. But it struck quite a chord with me even though our circumstances are different. I love doing the house stuff and taking care of E, but I feel like I don't have the time to do it as well as I'd like, and I hate work for getting in the way even though I like what I do. Cousin is a fairly new stay at home mother of 2 - one (almost not!) toddler and one baby. Please enjoy and leave supportive comments. She'll be reading and can't get those comments on her private family blog!

So this might be a long post...

Hubby and I were talking the other day about how I'm usually "on top of things." Meaning that there isn't a whole lot that slips through the cracks around here - things are usually put away and organized in a reasonable time frame. Projects and to-do lists are completed in short order, and I'm usually thinking ahead on just about everything. Multitasking is second nature. There is rarely a moment when I'm not doing two things at once, or doing one thing and thinking about / planning for the next one.

Being on top of things was kind of "my thing." It was one of the things I really liked about myself; something that I felt set me apart from the crowd. Always dependable. Always prepared. Never a question about whether I took care of something I said I would. The question, "Oh, but did you think of X?" was almost always met with "Yes, I did think of X, and I already planned for it."

I'm not saying all this to be bragadocious, but just to lead up to my point...stay with me...

It was sort of like fun little challenges I could set for myself:

• I'm going upstairs - how many things can I grab from the living room that belong up there?
• Can I pack the car so well that there's room left over we didn't anticipate?
• How can I run these errands in an order that minimizes the time and gas I'm spending?
• How much money can I save at the grocery store through coupons and sales?
• Can I have the mail sorted by the time I get back up to the house?
• Can I fold littlest's laundry and put it away even though she's napping in there?
• Since we're going on vacation in 3 weeks, I'll start piling things up on the dining table now so I don't have to do it all at once and miss something.

Yes, it's very Type-A, and probably sounds like a ridiculous hassle, but I liked those little games I could play, and it felt good when I "won." The extra benefit was that things stayed nice and neat and organized and I never felt too overwhelmed.

However...these days I feel like I'm barely able to keep on top of things. Having both girls takes up a lot more time and energy that I was expecting. Physical and mental energy. Just to be clear - I would never give up staying home with the girls and certainly don't pin this on them, but the brain drain is just a change to my life that I was only sort of prepared for.

The bigger emotional bummer that comes with no longer being consistently on top of things is that even when I do manage to get stuff done promptly and in an organized fashion, it no longer feels fun. I said before that taking care of this stuff was like playing (and winning) little games all day, but now it's just necessary to stay afloat. I'm not winning anymore, I'm just breaking even. Barely.

I know I'm mixing metaphors here, but case in point - it's naptime and the littlest will likely be waking up in the next few minutes, so I'm trying to get it all out as quickly as possible.

I realize that this is only a short period in my life, and I tell myself every day that it's okay if the house is a little messy, or if I forget to return phone calls, or if I forget it's my turn to host playgroup until the day before, or if I don't wear the cute shoes and instead wear the same old ones because they're already downstairs and it's faster.

I know the girls will only be little for a short time, and I'm really trying to let this go so I can enjoy this season of life. But...it's still tough to "let go" of something that I feel is a huge part of who I am. Or I guess it's more accurate to say that I may not let go of it completely, but I have to make peace with "the games" just not being very fun anymore. Or to borrow from Charlie Sheen, to give up on "winning" for a while.

I know it's more important to be present in the small moments with my family, and I'm going to try and focus more on that instead of the ever-rising tide of STUFF that has to get done. Because it's only going to get crazier as they get older, right? :-)

Anyway. If you made it this far, congratulations...I'm going to head upstairs to get the littlest now, but not without taking some dirty bibs up with me to put in the laundry.

Validation

Today I visited a lovely lady who is always very together fashion-wise and who happened to have just had her second child. She apologized for the state of her house, though I thought it looked fine. It was nice, however, to see that even really "together," beautiful women deal with the craziness a newborn (and children in general) bring into our lives and that they aren't any more perfect than I am. (Ok, maybe a little bit more perfect.)