Pessimism in the New Year

First I have to wish everyone a safe, happy and healthy New Year. I know the healthy part is always questionable for a lot of us, but here's to hoping anyway. :)

I'm almost in the middle of my two week wait. I have a killer lower backache, cramps, mood swings and major chocolate and salt cravings. In short, it feels like my period is just around the corner, but it's way too early. I seem to feel like this more on Femara than I did on anything else. And it was much worse the cycle of my chemical pregnancy (or early miscarriage). Of course that freaks me out, but what are ya gonna do? These signs never really mean anything in particular except in hindsight. So that doesn't really help me.

Something that is really bothering me though is that I know our chances, and I know they aren't high. Therefore, I've been preparing myself for the coming of AF. The thing that's jerking me around so much right now though is that this is it. This is our last cycle... at least for a really long time. If this doesn't pan out, we start saving a dollar here and a dollar there (literally) toward adoption and start investigating the process. Between the lap and the latest round of failed cycles, we are very very broke. We wouldn't have made the bills this month except for some very thoughtful gifts of cash from some relatives.

Adoption scares the crap out of me. And if this cycle doesn't work, barring a miracle, that's what we're looking at. I'm afraid of the cost, the process and the adjustment. But I know I have a lot of love to give the child that's waiting for us. I just don't know yet how to grieve the loss of the pregnancy experience.

So I'm in the midst of depression and pessimism. Even if I am pregnant, how do I make sure I won't lose it? PCOS is not famous for its kindness to pregnancy. I know these are the same things that plague many of your minds. I'm just deeper into it than I usually am. I think I've decided that I need some time to myself until we know for sure, and some time to process the results. I will be around, but if I post, it probably won't be ttc related at all. I will definitely let you all know when I feel I can though. I just need to step back for DH and me. I hate this black pit of a wait. And I hate even more the negative results afterwards. I'll be thinking of you all though.

B

Stuff

Wow everyone! Thanks so much! Disclaimer: this is not going to be a well written post. It's just a jumble of my thoughts and reactions to your comments. Sometimes you just have to have those. :)

Our Christmas was very nice. It was spent with family and lots of good food. My dear husband made me cry by remembering how much I loved watching White Christmas and buying it for me. He even bought it well in advance! That was very touching coming from hubby.

The large package my Mom lugged down actually contained 2 little beach chairs! We love them! Every time she went to the beach with us, she mentioned how we should have some. Now we do! It only took 3 years of living here, but we finally have a beach umbrella and some chairs.

And as for your comments; you all are very sweet to offer me such encouragement. I can say that it is definitely appreciated right now. This is our last shot in many ways, so there has been a lot of anxiety in this house about the outcome. I don't feel very optimistic about our chances, but I still have that hope. So I don't know what I will do when/if we get that negative. I'm finally coming out of the depression/craziness that the drugs cause, but that will surely plunge me right back in.

Allison & Farah - I'm glad (and sad) someone else has experienced that feeling! I felt a little like a freak. :) Thanks for the well wishes.

Browneyedgirl - I did my first 2 IUIs alone. I didn't like it, but it was ok. You'll be just fine. (and hopefully won't need it!)

Thanks Heather, Jennifer, Bea, Y, Hilary and Chips for all your support! It really means a lot.

CLAIRE! Please email me so I can catch up with you. I don't have any way of contacting any of you (old Buddy Group) and would love to know more! I hope things are all well with you.

See.. pretty jumbled. But it feels good to return the love. ;-)

Santa Brought me an IUI!

The IUI went very well. It was the first time Hub has ever come into the room with me, so that was way cool. It had to be at the main office since mine wasn't open, but the minute I was called back to the room, DearNurse, NewNurse (she seems nice) and Phlebotomist were all there to greet me! They were, in fact, waiting for me to walk through the door! It made me feel wonderful. There were hugs and Merry Christmases all around before we proceeded to the business at hand.

I had the doctor on call, but I've had her before, and she was very good. I had the least discomfort of all 3 of my IUIs. DearNurse chatted with us as usual (she had asked to attend), and everyone appreciated my festive reindeer socks. DH's boys were in a good mood, and we had 28.5 million post wash with 87% rapid progressive motility! Those supplements have sure helped! I believe I will have an egg release from each side as Lefty should be over 20 right now and Righty should be over 18. I'm certainly feeling it in each ovary. My lining is definitely thick enough. Now it's just a waiting game. The one we all know and love.

The only bummer is I always get so emotional and feel so vulnerable right after an IUI. It's like the ultimate proof that I am broken and need this help to have a chance. I'm also always sad that this can't just be between DH and me. But overall, I'm reservedly happy.

Since I won't be posting on Christmas, I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! Love to all.

Gonal-f pen, how I love thee

Last night I injected my last dose of Gonal-f. However, it was not my beloved (as I've now come to realize) pen. It was the 75IU dose syringe that you have to mix. I do not know why DearNurse hates the pen so much now that I've experienced the syringe. It's a royal pain in the ARSE to mix. It's very hard to pull everything out of that vial; making a control freak like me feel like I screwed everything up. And lastly, it burns like Hell going in! Then there's the fact that shortly afterwards, I became even more dizzy than I have been the past few days, and developed a searing pain in my left temple that responded to every stimulus imaginable. But then again, I am the side effect Queen of the Universe. (overly dramatic much?)

I still have this pain, over 24 hrs later, but the doctor thinks it's unrelated. I have no idea what else it could be since I've never had a feeling like this in my life, and it happened shortly after the shot when I stood and tried to walk. Despite what she told me, headache is listed in the drug info as a common side effect. So who knows. Hopefully it goes away by tomorrow.

And as for the trifle moody comment, it was most definitely euphemistic. Somewhere around my 3rd dose I began having those crazy spiraling episodes of despair followed by intense anger and irritation that I remember so well from my clomid days. It's still not quite as bad, but damn is it close.

On the bright side, I had a great time with my Grandmother, the Ovidrel injection was fine, Christmas Eve is tomorrow and so is our IUI! I'm trying very hard not to be so realistic about our chances. ;-)

A Very Quick Update

I must be very fast here as I wait for my ride for a fun night with the Grandmother.

Largest follie is on the left side at 16.5mm. Miss Righty is PO'd that Miss Lefty tried to steal her thunder and came out of nowhere with a 13.5mm. I will do Gonal-F for 2 more days, then trigger on the 3rd day and insemination on Christmas Eve! I was worried it would fall on Christmas Day, and then I'd be up you know what creek without a paddle since my clinic is closed then. (speaking of which, see the poll on the sidebar. Just curious.)

My lining is a psycho 13mm, and I wish it would calm down!

A Sweet Sister Story

I am so lucky in that my Mom, sister and most of my family are extremely supportive and don't even seem capable of assvice. Keep that in mind as I relay an interchange between my Mom and Sister.

My Mom called to talk to me about Christmas shopping and the like. She started telling me about what my Sister liked and for whom she bought presents. One of the things my Sister wanted to buy was a pretty little infant dress.

Mom: Are you planning on having another one already?

Sis: No, (wistful sigh) I want to buy it for Barb.

Mom: But honey, you know they're having problems. And besides, how do you know she'd have a girl?

Sis: Oh. She'd have a girl. And it would look so beautiful in this little dress! The colors are just perfect for the lovely dark skin their baby will have. I just want to buy it for her because I can't wait. And it's so beautiful that I want it for my sister's baby.

That's relayed as best I can recall. Mom did manage to talk her out of buying the dress. Isn't that the most bittersweet, heartbreaking thing? My Sister is younger than I am, so I'm accustomed to being the one to worry about her, and be wistful over her. It made me realize how much this affects not just me, but everyone around me. I wish I could give my nephew a cousin. I hope I can someday.

A Thought...

You know how so many exclaim in hushed tones, "oooh. How will you explain to junior about how he/she was conceived?" Well, as I stared at the ultrasound screen, flat on my back (amongst other things), I thought, "That little follicle could be my baby waiting for conception." And it hit me. In one way, I feel lucky. I feel lucky that I may get to view my child's very beginnings. I feel a strange warmth toward the grainy image of that little follicle that could. I find myself cheering it on wordlessly throughout the day. And I love watching it grow and develop for ovulation. It makes me feel like I can at least get something right in this mess - even if it's only occasionally.

I realized that I feel privileged to be in on this very basic form of human life. Even if I never carry to term, I got to see what might have been my baby. And if I do carry successfully, I will see my child at stages that most women never get the chance to see.

So when (if) my child asks about his or her conception years down the road, I don't know what all I will explain, but I know how I will start. I will say with heartfelt honesty, "You were loved from the very very beginning."

________________________________________

*I was feeling unusually sappy and optimistic. Chalk it up to hormones.
Lovely Christmas date planned with the Grandmother tomorrow night AND follicle scan in AM. I don't know if I can update, but will try.

2 Injections Down!

And 2 to go! At least that's what it looks like right now. I just did my second injection of 75 IU of Gonal-F tonight. It's such a small amount to plunge in that I think it's easier than the Ovidrel. I also find it much easier in my tummy than in my thigh. Of course that may be because there is much less muscle definition in my tummy than in my thigh, but that's for another discussion.

It's been a breeze, but my first time injecting after a while is always a little nerve wracking. I'm pretty steady when I do the injection, but afterwards I'm a little quivery. I don't know if it's nerves from fear of pain or from worry that I'll do it wrong. Miss perfectionist has to get it just right!! If I don't, that's just one more way I can blame myself for a failed cycle or pregnancy. Anyone else have these thoughts/experiences?

I had my CD10 follicle scan today. They got new machines at my clinic. I can't see much on them and don't like them. To my great surprise, DearNurse validated my feelings by announcing her hatred of them as well. They're supposed to be the "latest and greatest," but the images are all shadowy and the follicles more grainy and harder to see than usual. The discussion of the machine's shortcomings prompted a hilarious mime routine by DearNurse of how awkward it is to learn how to use them by practicing on one's self or coworkers; in turn, making the patient feel less like a dildo cam guinea pig. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at an RE appointment. It was, dare I say it, almost pleasant? I don't know what I did to deserve a nurse that suits my personality so perfectly.

But I digress. The short of it is that we are cautiously optimistic about this cycle. I obviously don't respond to Femara much at all anymore. Even on the doubled dose (and with one FSH shot in me), we only have 2 that may be contenders. Miss Lefty has decided to show Miss Righty how it's done (which worries me greatly) and has produced a slightly under target 13.5mm and 11.5mm so far. I have one more Gonal-F injection tomorrow, then another ultrasound on Friday, and hopefully news of when to trigger with Ovidrel then. We need all the luck we can get, so please heap it on us!

Halfway There

Whew! I'm finished with the first part of my new cycle! I took my last two Femara pills last night. I have to say that Femara is still nothing like clomid. However, I had a few of those infamous Femara headaches, and was exhausted from it. I would become exhausted about an hour after taking it and then it would ease up right around the time the next dose was due again. So I'm glad that's over!

I now have to gear up for my first Gonal-F injection tomorrow night. DearNurse has informed me that it may make me feel a trifle moody and unbalanced. Great news for the hubster and my co-workers. I also have my first follie scan (at my urging) on Wednesday, which will be cycle day 10.

I have to admit that I am not overly optimistic about our chances of conceiving or keeping a healthy pregnancy. But we have to try. If this doesn't work, we probably have a few more years ahead of us as we'd have to save money for more treatments, adoption, or hope that I spontaneously ovulate and by some miracle we hit the mark.

To combat some of the worry, I've taken up knitting again with a vengeance. Knitting, horseback riding and hiking are the only activities that soothe me during my most tense moments. I'll take some photos of the finished products and post them here. Note that it's been a while since I've picked up the needles, so I'm not totally happy with my efforts, but then again, I am the very definition of perfectionist.

A Little Christmas Fun

First off, let me tell you that Christmas is my very favorite holiday. So, I hope you don't get too tired of hearing about it.

Because of my complete joy in the season, when I saw this post on One Day Two Day, I decided I just had to do it too. It's also a nice distraction. So here go my favorite holiday things:

Favorite "classic" Christmas movie: "White Christmas", hands down. It reminds me sooooo much of my Grandfather.

I'd like to add Favorite non-classic Christmas movie: Elf and Love Actually

Favorite Christmas song: "Good King Wenceslas" for words, "Holly Jolly Christmas" (with Burl Ives!) for sound, and "My Favorite Things" as a whole package. "Oh Come Emmanuel" would be in there, but I don't think it's technically a Christmas song. But I looove it.

Gift I'm most looking forward to giving: Taking my Grandmother to see the Candlelight Processional at EPCOT.

Gift I'm excited to receive: Any! I love gifts and love surprises! I have to say though that I'm mighty curious about a huge oddly shaped box that my Mom brought down as a Christmas gift last visit.

Gift I bought for others that I wish I could keep for myself: wonderful, fuzzy, pink sleep socks from Bath and Body Works.

New movie coming that I'm most excited to see: Harry Potter. Too far away? Ok, I guess The Golden Compass

Favorite snack food I get at Christmas: Cheeseballs and Hickory Farms brown sugar Turkey stick!!!!!

Favorite Christmas cookie that I don't make: Those anise flavored super thin wafery cookies with the designs on them. What are those called again?? Help!

Favorite Christmas cookie that I make: Peanut Blossoms (nod to Seussgirl ;-)

New Favorite holiday coffee drink: no coffee. I do love Twinings loose leaf Christmas Tea though!

Favorite Holiday Dishes: Ones heaped with good food. :D

If you do this, let me know so I can go see your answers too!

It Starts

Well, it starts for what seems like the 5th time after all those false starts. (ok, really only 2) I took my first doubled dose of Femara tonight - CD3. And DearNurse gave me a cd to watch about using gonal-F at my cyst scan yesterday. She also is letting me come in for a follie scan on CD10 to see if I'll need the other 2 doses of gonal-F. I have to say that I was a bit shocked that he still wasn't going to see me until CD12, when all meds were completed. I mean, we're going a bit gung ho here with the increased dose and injects I've never done on top of it. Shouldn't he want to make sure I'm not over producing before continuing with the shots? I don't know.

I'm really nervous about this whole cycle. I'm nervous about what this new dose will do to me. I'm nervous about what the injects will do to me. I'm nervous that our chemical pregnancy is the only bfp we're ever going to see.

By the way, where the heck is everyone? Is it the holidays that's keeping people away?

Aunt Flo must have sharpened her sticks...

...and she's poking them into various reproductive organs with a vengeance. It's this very pain (along with a few other factors) that convinced my doctor I needed a laparoscopy. So I'm sitting here before 6 AM, on my day off, waiting for drugs to kick in so I can get back to sleep.

During my Christmas shopping yesterday (almost done!), I started to develop my hella-lower back ache, cramps, and the sparkling disposition that usually accompanies The Witch. So I knew it was coming later that day. It was odd though because my last dose of Provera was supposed to be last night. I've been getting my period earlier and earlier from my Provera treatments. I can only assume that my body's responding better due to the thyroid meds and metformin. It used to be that I would go a good 3 months without my period, and then only get it a week after finishing Provera. Oh well. I guess I'll never truly understand this crazy system I've got. The good news is that this means my shiny new cycle with my hopeful new protocol starts a week earlier than I thought! We should be able to sneak it in under the wire juuuust before Christmas. Maybe that will bring me luck. (mm hmm.. just like everything else has :eye roll:) I will call to get in for my cyst scan today and get my scripts for the new Femara dose. I already have the gonal-F.

This explains my uber-sensitivity this past week. I've become acutely aware that the pain of infertility and the loss of hope has solidified into a deeply rooted, aching knot in the pit of my stomach. It's become so deep that I can talk about it on the surface perfectly calmly, and have become quite the educator. But I carry it around with me always, and things that used to give me wistful hope now only set off a storm of emotions. I guess now I understand even better what everyone means when they talk about the difference in experience when you've tried almost everything and have ttc longer than a certain period. All painful experiences, but very different.

That being said, if you are in this same place, do not watch Waitress... especially before AF.... right before Christmas... right after a couple of spectacularly failed cycles. Dumb, dumb decision. It's a good movie. However, that did not outweigh my negative reaction (though I guess it was cathartic), and no it did not give me hope.

______________________________________________________________

P.S. A shout-out to the hubs for being such a doll and listening sweetly to the blubbering mess that was me. And also for apparently taking this fabulously funny post to heart and doing exactly as it suggests.

Help Choosing my "Creme"

Mel at Stirrup Queens has asked that we all search our blogs for the best of our 2007 entries. She takes the submissions and compiles them in a wonderful list that we can all enjoy later.

I haven't submitted my "Creme de la Creme" yet, so I'm not really on the list. I just wanted to spread the word for more submissions and ask that if you've read my blog, do you have a favorite entry? I'm terrible at judging my own work, so appreciate any suggestions. It will just help me know where to look for a possible entry. Don't worry Mel, I'm not letting them choose my submission, nor will I tell anyone what it is. I just need a little push. :)

If you have any favorites, please leave a note in my comments! Thanks!

Kindness Abounds

It's amazing how kindness can come out of the woodwork when we least expect it. Despite my current wallow in depression, I've been uplifted by many people this past week. First of all, DearNurse left a message on my cell saying how she's been thinking about me and my situation. She went on to talk about various ways I could save money on the meds, and told me that she sent out the adoption info that I had been asking about. I really couldn't do this without such wonderful office and nursing staff, and I told them so last visit.

Next, I got a very uplifting note in the mail from a co-worker who I look up to a great deal. It addressed some of my work concerns and assured me that I am doing the good job that I had thought (and hoped) despite the fact that management doesn't notice.

And to top it off, I recently left a message board that I had been on for almost 2 years. As I was leaving, someone really came out of the woodwork to tell me that I had had a big impact on her and that she thought highly of my character. That one came out of left field for me and left me glowing all day. I always see myself as a quiet supporter; not very noticeable, not very popular, and not too interesting. She, on the other hand, seems vivacious, funny and sharp; always popular, lots of fun and full of confidence. These are traits to which I aspire. However, she helped me see the good in my own character and for that I am very grateful.

There have been so many more instances of great kindness lately that my faith in human good has been strengthened. Thank you all for that. I definitely needed a dose of faith. I also want to pay it forward. So I'm choosing one person to honor for the good in their own nature. There are so many I would like to recognize, but I don't want to lessen the impact. I'll leave it up to you good people. Pick someone who needs a lift; someone who may feel unnoticed, or someone who just inspires you (especially if you've never told them before) and dedicate a blurb or two to them on your blog. I just want others to get that wonderful rush of warmth.

So without further ado, I would like to tell Yodasmistress how much I admire her sassy self. You're fun, confident and bold on the surface, but beneath that seems to lurk a sensitive soul. Your depth of empathy for others is inspiring. And Yoda (I don't know if I'm allowed to use her real name. ;-) ), you are strong and good and kind. I know lately you haven't always felt that way and have questioned a lot, but these are strengths in your character that you need to know. You have the courage to stand up for the underdog and fight the good fight when I'm way too chicken. Keep on keepin on chick! And we'll support you. I thought you could use the lift with your lap coming up.

For others from whom I learn, just check out my blog roll. And for some of the women I've met outside of the blog world (Stephanie, L and K) thanks a ton!

To Brighten Your Day

Check out this You Tube video. It will definitely give you a lift... especially if you like animals (cats in particular.) It makes me happy every time I view it.

Cat Man Do (Known on You Tube as "wake up cat.")

The Results Episode

There are many updates to be had today. First off, yes, I am definitely leaning toward a depression phase. I'm fighting it, but there it is. With the ttc trials alone, I often feel as if I am suspended in a giant whirlpool of grief. When I'm bobbing at the top, around the perimeter, things are ok. But just one slip or push, and I swirl dramatically toward the funnel. When I'm angry, I fight the current, but when I'm depressed, I let it carry me away. The worst part is that I never seem to be able to climb onto shore.

The "push" for me this time is work. There are a lot of issues going on management-wise that just make me feel like quitting. And I love my job. I'm one of those people who can say that her profession is her passion. It's very upsetting.

So, you're probably thinking, "On with the updates already lady!" Well - I aim to please.

Thyroid
I have one small nodule on my thyroid. The endo says this is normal in people with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and that we'll keep an eye on it. She hasn't gotten back to me about my TSH levels, but the receptionist seemed to be trying to tell me in I-can't-tell-you-cuz-I'm-a-receptionist code that everything is ok there.

Bloodwork
My second prolactin draw came back only a hair over normal, so he will monitor that as well. Everything else in the marathon miscarriage panel came back ok except for a little wonkiness with a clotting factor. (it was the nurse, so I'm not clear on it) He seems unconcerned with that. I'm thinking I may do the whole baby aspirin thing just to be on the safe side. Anyone have input on that?

Cycle
I had an ultrasound today. My ovaries are doing {big sigh} nothing, and it's cycle day 19. RE gave me the go ahead to start progesterone to bring on my period, but if I start tonight, that brings me perilously close to Christmas as my insemination date. Ah. Whatever. God knows none of us really know what's going to happen with this stuff. Maybe I'll start it tomorrow.

The protocol for next cycle is to up the letrazole dosage on CD3-7 and add an FSH injectible as a booster on cycle days 9, 10 and 11. Then we trigger with Ovidrel when needed and do the IUI. I can't say as I'm too thrilled about more needles (or the cost), but whaddya gonna do? At least we have a direction.

I've also asked them to mail me all they've got on reputable adoption agencies. There are lots of conflicting emotions there, but we'll cover that in a future post.

Giving Thanks

JJ at Reproductive Jeans had a great idea to thank the blogger who inspired us. And, as usual, I can't narrow it down to one person. I have four. I stumbled across A Little Pregnant on my own and was completely drawn in by the creative wit and beautiful emotion in her writing. That blog is what got me started. Until then I hadn't even thought about a whole community of IF blogs, though I did have a desire to write about our struggle anonymously.

With my interest piqued, I put feelers out on a message board for blog information. I can't remember who sent me the link to HerVeryOwn, but it was another that completely resonated with me. Then the writer of Baby Steps to Baby Shoes shared her blog link with me. I remember that she had started out not long before that and was so humble about her beautiful writing. I couldn't believe that she didn't give herself more credit for her insightful and finely worded posts. And last, but definitely not least, Kristen at The Sticky Bean not only sent me links to blogs, she sent me information through email that helped me get my footing in this community that was so new to me. She introduced me to Mel at Stirrup Queens and gave me advice for sharing my thoughts. Her welcome was so warm (followed by all the rest of you) that I lost any inhibitions I had about this. I can't thank her enough. Thanks Kristen!!

And all of you continue to inspire me each and every day. I truly wish the best for you all.

A Great Article

Finally! There's an article that reports on the infertility world with straight forward reporting, few mistakes and no snarky remarks! Mel at Stirrup Queens posted a link to this article at the Globe and Mail. Check it out! Many of our near and dear are mentioned.


P.S. In case you wondered.. still no sign of ovulation.

Cycle Day 16 Report

It's CD16 with no ovulation in sight. It seems to me that my fertile signs are slightly more pronounced, but nothing compared to what I usually feel. I have only responded poorly to oral ovulation inducers once, and that was my first cycle on clomid (taken cd5-7) when I ovulated on CD21 with poor fertile signs. I had been responding slightly less well to the femara each cycle though, so I'm not sure what this is about.

And while I do not under any circumstances think that stress causes infertility issues, I do believe that it can delay ovulation through elevated prolactin (which responds to stress) and other hormonal surges. I think it's safe to assume that I was under a lot of stress last week at the very worst time in my cycle, and that may be the culprit. I'm not giving up yet. The ovulation predictor kits are still showing no signs of an LH surge, but I'm not out of the realm of possible ovulation yet. I am very worried that I won't at all though, and then I believe it will be on to injectibles for me. The financial cost of that is what worries me the most. We already have difficulty affording the copays for an oral cycle. I don't even want to think about an injectible one. DearNurse has already made it plain though that they would help me in any way they could. God bless the women in that office.

And I swear, although it seems like it in my posts, I'm not completely dejected. The joy of Christmas is starting to fill our home, Hubster and I are on a really good run, and we go out with good friends tonight to celebrate a birthday. Thank goodness my home life is fulfilling in every other way.

Not so good news

I had another scan today. E2 (estradiol) still at 32. Follicles all still the exact same size as on CD11. CD13 right now. I don't have a lot of experience with this, so have no idea if this is really bad news or not. I know that it sure as hell doesn't feel so good. I'm also feeling defeated at work. Possible depression cycle in the works? God I love going through the stages of grief over and over and over again...

Apologies

I think that in my worked-all-day-cooked-much-of-dinner-gobbled-too-much-tryptophan haze, I did something a little stupid. I think I went and commented on other peoples' blogs. The problem is, I think I may have wished non-Americans a Happy Thanksgiving. Usually I'm pretty good with understanding that there are other countries and traditions in the world (especially considering that my husband is from 2 of those "other" places), but I really wasn't thinking properly. Please forgive me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone had a wonderful and family filled Thanksgiving! I made my Grandmother's sweet potato casserole recipe for the first time, and it was GOOD! The consistency wasn't quite up to par, but I'm so happy with the taste. She uses a mixture of crushed pecans, cornflakes, brown sugar and butter as the topping and includes the sugar, marshmallows, butter, milk and eggs in the sweet potato mixture. It's my favorite ever. I also make a mean mashed potato and pumpkin pie. Everything else was not made from scratch, and dear Hubs cooked a mouthwatering turkey. How were your feasts?

A long time ago, Stirrup Queen got an idea from another blogger to list what we're thankful for in ourselves without apology. I always meant to take part in that effort as I thought it was a good one, but lots of things got in the way. I'm thankful for my ability (most of the time) to self reflect. I'm also thankful that I derive so much comfort and joy from family and that I appreciate the small everyday wonders in life.

I am also thankful for my blogger flame of fortitude from Kristen and Yodasmistress. You girls are so kind. I pass it on to Hilary, Allison, Frank, Plump and any other of my fellow bloggers who hasn't received it yet. You are all so deserving.

As for my cycle update, (this is turning out to be quite the mix of topics!) I am now on cycle day 12 and am going in for another follicle scan tomorrow. At the first one (CD11), I had 4 possible contenders with the largest at 13-something. My lining was nice and thick at 10.2mm, but my E2 was still in the 30's. Tomorrow I should find out when the IUI will be and if I will be able to drive the couple hours to see my Grandmother over the weekend. Wish us luck! A thyroid update will be coming soon. Never a dull moment in the FCIF household.

In Memoriam & Thanks

Sorry for my silence, but first and foremost in my mind was helping to take care of my family and grieving for my Grandfather. Even though we knew this was coming, in the first few days there was a thick pressure in my head along with a fog of disbelief and an aching heart. That ache intensified when I wondered what my Grandmother must be feeling; the woman who lost the love of her life. They had been married for over 60 years. She was amazingly strong.

All that was eased by well wishes and prayers from wonderful people like you. I can't thank you enough for your kindness. My Grandfather was a pivotal male role model in my life and so full of strength and joie de vivre. It's hard to believe that's gone. I also feel more at peace for having such a wonderful visit with him the day before he died, and for grieving with the rest of my family at the memorial service and aiding them the best I could. At times like these, all I ever want is to be surrounded by those who feel as I do and to give comfort. It eases the passing and strengthens family bonds.

I'm so proud and full of love for both my Grandparents that I have to share a little about them.
They were both part of the "greatest generation." Grandfather was the perfect age to be called in to World War II. He desperately wanted to be a pilot and managed to gain a spot in the newly formed air force. He flew many missions in the Pacific theater and was forever fond of his beloved plane. No new model (though he flew them) ever captured his heart quite as well. He also loved baseball and was drafted to the big leagues but called to War before he could even begin his career. My Grandparents both decided to wait to marry until he returned. And thankfully he returned to her whole and sound. They started their family a few years later and Grandfather began a long and distinguished career as a Colonel in the US Air Force. Grandmother did an amazing job of keeping the family together and centered while moving all over the world. She also volunteers (still!) for a great variety of womens' causes and stays very active in her community.

They spent a lot of time with their grandchildren no matter how many miles separated them. I have so many fond memories of weeks and months spent with them and my cousins. Thinking back, I'm amazed at their energy and patience... to take in grandchildren from various children for such long stretches. It was great fun and a fundamental part of my upbringing. My Grandmother taught us a lot about life, and beneath the tough exterior, my Grandfather was putty in the hands of his granddaughters (and later - grandsons). My grandparents had mostly boys, but their boys sired mostly girls. On our last visit, my Grandmother asked Grandfather what sex he thought his great grandchildren would be. Despite his difficulty speaking, there was absolutely no hesitation. "Girls," he muttered, with that wry gleam in his eye that spoke volumes. He also spoke about how he wished to hold a baby. I still curse the fates that prohibited us from giving Grandfather his wish. He would have been able to see his great grandchild's first birthday if all had gone according to what we wanted. Instead, PCOS and Hashimoto's robbed us of that chance. I briefly thought about delaying ttc for a little while because of the stress and the desire to give comfort instead of looking inward at this time. However, the miracle of life is what keeps humanity going. For the living left behind, the eventual ending to the story is always sad. Without the continuing wonder at life's gifts and those newly arrived, it would be a sad world indeed. Thus, I decided to plug at it for Grandfather. This is just one more kick in my butt to keep going and not wallow in self pity. Grandfather had no patience for self pity, and it is useless to me. I am learning so much from my journey and I'm grateful. When it finally changes into the journey of parenthood, my Grandfather will be with me in heart and mind. The lessons he taught me will be taught to my children. And I know he'll be glad.

More Sadness

My Grandfather's funeral is this weekend. He was a Hell of a Grandfather, Colonel and Man. (He'd probably chuckle at my use of the word "Hell.") I still can't quite wrap my mind around it, but I'll post a more fitting tribute later.

I was always very much "Grandfather's girl,*" and I'll miss him very much.


*Just one of many considering he had 8 granddaughters.

A lot on my plate...

We went to see my Grandfather today. It was a good visit, and I'm glad we went. He seemed pleased to see us. It won't be too long now. He asked a lot about babies. It broke my heart to tell him that we still weren't there, but I put a very positive spin on it for him. Another family member is pregnant though, and he was happy about that. I wish I could spend every day there helping instead of going to work.

I'm also very worried about a friend's health right now. This next week is going to suck.

Re-started Femara tonight. Let's see how this cycle goes, shall we?

Aunt Flo is in the Building

The REAL Aunt Flo has suddenly shown up in full force and deposed the impostor from before. I'm dying to know what in the Hell this means for my cycle and how we're going to get my body back in sync. Alas it must wait for tomorrow.

Like the new digs? Any complaints about ease of reading?

Just for a Laugh

So I've been having vivid dreams again. I should mention that I dream regularly and on a grand scale. It just so happens that you, dear readers, are privileged enough that I remember my infertility related dream from last night. Here goes:

It started with wandering into a local fertility clinic. When I walked into the waiting room, I was bombarded with the sight and sound of about 8 children ranging in age from infant to12. Their parents were a man and his male partner. One was short and squat and one was tall and thin. For some reason, I could spy on them as they sat in consult with the doctor. Mind you, they only had the infant with them, the other 7 children were wreaking havoc on the waiting room.

It turns out they had adopted all 8 and were looking for a surrogate to carry their biological children. I don't even know if that's possible via a fertility clinic, but in my dream worlds, this is a tame request. Apparently they got news they didn't want to hear because both grimaced in distress and made for the door. That's when the ShortOne laid eyes on me.

He pointed to me and conveyed that he wanted to pay me to be a nanny of sorts (and I'm wondering about the surrogate part as well). So being the sensible girl that I am, I sign up for the job immediately for some extra cash. We all pile into a huge van with me behind the wheel while Tall&Skinny heads off in his nice car alone. They make me drive the van through obstacles of sorts. Why? I have no idea. I just know that at one point I was required to drive in reverse, in deep snow, down a twisty mountain road. Hubster magically appears beside me at this point and scathingly tells me that this is, "no big deal." ShortOne is in the back texting furiously on his B.lackberry and shouting into a cell phone about business deals while trying to hold the crying baby.

When I am finally allowed to drive forward, we head down a rough country road. I stop for directions at one point only to be told that I am on a quest and that I need to keep going. After what seems like hours, we finally find a ramshackle restaurant in the middle of nowhere to give the kids some sustenance. We make our way up the creaky steps only to see Ty P.ennington rushing toward us in welcome; a bandana around his head and his shirtless torso gleaming in the sun. Wait. TY PENNING.TON? Yes. Ty Penning.ton. Even in sleep, I was shocked.

I got all the kids up and ready to go in to eat only to find when I was seated last that all they had left were greasy french fries and hamburgers. When I asked for veggies, Ty pointed to the fries.

Then I woke up. How's that for weird and a lot of hidden messages?

Answers

I'm feeling a little better today, though the spotting continues. I thought I'd answer some of your wonderful questions in a post, then I swear we'll get back to our regularly scheduled programming without so much drama :).

You have a point Fertilize Me. I have been more slack with my diet lately, so that may play a role in the metabolism stuff. And Chips and Yoda wonder if it could be my Synthroid dose as well. I am indeed hypothyroid and was wondering if the symptoms could be due to too high a dose. I'll call my endocrinologist on Monday to discover the results of my blood test and thyroid ultrasound.

Orodemniades definitely hit on one of my concerns when she asked if I had poas (peed on a stick - in other words, had I taken a pregnancy test?). And it just shows how even though I like to pretend I'm well and jaded, those thoughts of a possible pregnancy in almost impossible odds (at least this month) still seep through. I don't know whether to be glad that I'm still not completely jaded, or to be concerned that I can still be that naive. It's such a challenging and ever changing juggling act we do. But to answer her question, yes I did test just to be sure I wasn't pregnant and spotting. The last time I started bleeding while pregnant, the ending was none too happy. And even though it's not my fault, there's still that imp inside that wonders, "If you had made sure to have a progesterone draw earlier, or had agreed to the supplements earlier, you'd be on your way to a baby now." It's completely irrational, but I know those of you who've experienced this can relate.

And a special thanks to Stephanie who is always rooting for me. I will update after I (hopefully) get more answers on Monday. I'm wondering if they'll cancel this IUI cycle if I continue spotting like this.

Something's just not right

First of all, thanks to each and every one of you who have responded with such sweet thoughts and encouragement lately! And Allison asked if they kept me on the same dose. I'm assuming you mean the Femara? If so, yes they kept me on the lowest dose of Femara since I've always responded quickly in the past and with 2 big follicles each time. This time just seems to be quite different from all the others. I'm finished with it now and am waiting for ovulation. I had a very negative OPK today, so who knows how long it will be.

OK, so on to the post title... I just don't feel quite... right. You know what I'm talking about. The body I've inhabited for 30 years has become a comfy (or mostly comfy) shell to which I've become quite accustomed. When that body suddenly starts behaving differently, I feel like I'm not quite myself. I've gone through a lot of this throughout our ttc trials, but I usually know what's causing the disconnect. This time I'm not sure what to blame.

First of all, there's my non-existent period. Just enough to call it a period, but barely. (and I had some spotting again today too.. just for a few hours... on cycle day 12). Secondly, there are my astonishingly high basal body temperatures. What the?? So I'm attaching my chart to show you what I mean exactly.
Also, I've just felt odd. I can't quite describe it. I've been off emotionally and physically. Today started a new thing where I feel incredibly ravenous and start shaking if I don't eat every couple hours, and I'm fatigued quite easily.

Is all this due to the Metformin perhaps? Could my Synthroid increase have been too much? We're still waiting on tsh results to find out for sure. Does anyone have any idea what could possibly be wrong with me?

Update

I had to stay late at work tonight and have been working overtime when it's available. Thus, I'm quite tired, and this update will be brief.

My wonderful wonderful lab tech at the clinic finished my bloodwork. She is quite incredible at what she does. One must never underestimate the importance of a great lab tech or phlebotomist when dealing with a chronic condition. She reduces my stress levels greatly just by being completely competent in her job. It's a nice plus that she's sweet. Of my bloodwork that's already been done, almost all was normal. The one exception was a slightly elevated prolactin level. This is hardly surprising considering I have PCOS, Hashimoto's thyroiditis and was completely stressed out at the first draw; all factors in elevated prolactin. RE wants to redraw later to be sure.

My estradiol today was only 44, and my follies are sad. There are a bunch to be sure, but they are all 8 and under except for one on the left hand side that is a 10. Normally I'm well into the teens by now with at least one. But I knew things weren't going when I didn't feel or see anything indicating that ovulation was near. Of course, now that she's poked around in there, my left side has been aching more like it does pre-O. Oh, and my lining is 8.5 so far. So not terrible news, but not super special either. I monitor myself for any unexpected changes and head back in on Monday for another scan and blood test. I'm only on CD11, so no freaking out yet.

A Glimpse into my Inner Infertility Monologue

OK, so my follicle scan and the rest of that dreaded marathon bloodwork are on for tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I did not have even one day of normal period flow, my basal body temps (bbt) are outrageously high for me for this time in my cycle (Hell, they're even high for my LP!), and I do not feel anything in my ovaries. I usually do at this point. I really doubt I'm pregnant, but in my infertility addled brain, I'm thinking the worst. "Maybe I am miraculously pregnant and the hpt was wrong! Now I've gone and injured my poor baby by downing letrazole like it was candy!"**

The other part of my brain answers, "You aren't pregnant you dolt! You just aren't producing any good follicles and this cycle will have to be canceled. Then you'll be forced to go back to clomid: Drug Spawn of Hell. That's all!"

Seriously. Has anyone had crazy cycles temp and AF wise after Metformin (glucophage)?

________________________________________________________

**(though quite frankly, I could down far more than 5 teeny pieces of candy, so that's a poor analogy)

A little of this and a little of that

So I had my baseline thyroid ultrasound today. It was probably the easiest test I've had in 2 years of testing. They smeared my throat with The Goop and took measurements of my beleaguered thyroid from every angle. I only had one small moment when she nearly gagged me with the darn wand by pressing directly on my Adam's, er, Eve's (?) apple with unnecessary force. I find out the results in a few days.

DearNurse also set up the rest of my bloodwork to be done at the clinic the same day as my big FOLLICLE SCAN! That will be done on Thursday. I finished up the last of my Femara last night, so now it's up to the ovary girls. Little miss righty is always the overachiever, so I'm betting on her. I'm back to charting again, and my temps are doing some crazy things. Let's hope that just means that my meds are doing what they are supposed to.

On a food note; you know that you are successful in your attempts to lower your sugar intake when unsweetened tea is just fine with you, natural, organic lemonade has to be cut half and half with water, and regular peanut butter makes your lips pucker from the sweetness. I find that I actually crave my wonderful, delicious Smucker's Natural Peanut Butter (no sugar added) over the regular stuff! It's especially good on slightly tart organic apples. Mmmmm. I think I'm going to have to compile that post of suggested healthy snacks soon. If you have any you'd still like to sneak in or recommend, please feel free! I may do a recipe one after that. Remember how I mentioned that I'm like Remy? Maybe I'm even worse. How I didn't pick a career in food, I don't know. I suppose another passion trumped that one. (The environment, children, animals and travel are all up there.)

We're off to try a new Mexican place tonight. We've got a great COUPON! Til later all.

I am a very naughty girl.

I had TWO slices of gooey, greasy, oozing, delicious NY style pizza for dinner tonight. I then chased that with 3 malted milk balls from our Halloween stash. AAAAaahhhhh Mmmmmmmmm. It was just me for dinner, and I get one very bad dinner or big dessert during my period. (my rule) I've been craving pizza, and NY style is my favorite in the whole world. Even if I pay for it later, it's going to be sooooooooo worth it. And I don't think one bad dinner ruins all my conception chances.

Do you think the word "naughty" will bring in some unintended traffic? hmm

A Post All About Blood for Halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

So I went in for the big blood draws today. (Yikes Mel with your 26 vials!!) Mine ended up being somewhere around 16 or 17 vials. RE had told me some of the tests were fasting and to go in on an empty stomach. Well, I don't do fasting well under the best of circumstances (faint, dizzy etc). My body certainly wasn't going to take it well when I had to have blood taken!

He started with the big needle so that the blood would come faster. He explained to me that what probably happens is that the needle moves and pushes more into the vein when switching vials, and that's what caused the pain. It happened this time too (and on top of it, I gave him the arm from the IV. I think it's still not healed completely.) I wish I had your nurse Chips! So after about 5 vials, he switched to my right arm where he used the butterfly needle. If anyone has lots of vials to do, the butterfly needle is MUCH better as it doesn't move as much when switching vials. The drawback is that it takes longer.

Anyway, a few minutes into that operation and I started to feel the familiar hot feeling in my head that precedes nausea. I tried to ignore it and will it away but no such luck. When I started feeling like I might hurl on his shoes, I decided I should give him a warning. He pulled that needle out so fast I barely saw it move! I think he was also very afraid of possible shoe re-decoration.

After I composed my heaving stomach in the restroom, he told me that that was too much blood for me to give on an empty stomach. And just so all of you know, I've seen my own blood (and been in actual operation settings with animals) many times, so it's not that that caused the distress. They're going to see if they have enough blood to run the fasting tests, and then my normal phlebotomist (whom I love) will finish the rest with me on a happily full stomach.

Thanks Melissa, Yoda and Fertilize Me as well! Yoda, you actually were very helpful, so don't fret. :) It's great to have you all as a sounding board! You rock!

Oh.. and period? Still very weird.

So soon?

Hey! Look at that! After my comment about "holding the fort," things start to happen. Ooooh wait. It's because I was relaxed! That's it! *evil snicker*

On that note, AF kinda sorta decided to show her face yesterday. **WARNING TMI ALERT** I had light red flow for about 2 hours, but since then it's not been normal in color, flow or consistency. **ALERT OVER** I know, that wasn't so bad, but some people are really sensitive about that stuff. I considered it Cycle Day 1 anyway since the very same thing happened to me last cycle (pre-lap), and it never did get any better. I had my cyst scan today to start the process, and RE and nurse didn't seem to think it was much to worry about, but they're checking my progesterone and E2 levels just to be sure. (no cysts either)

Due to my extreme paranoia about all things pregnancy related now (especially since this is my last try for a long time), I asked if we could possibly run the antibody panel... you know, for antiphospholipid antibodies and all that? The doctor said ok, but then I found out that since they want to run progesterone and E2 as well, that's NINETEEN TESTS. How many vials is that? Ten or so? It's just that when they did the PCOS panel a long time ago, it really hurt my arm to have so many vials drawn. I don't remember how many there were for that panel, but I think it was less than 10. And I have to do this fasting. Has anyone done this? Can you give me insight or tell me if it's not so bad? Any advice is appreciated! I know it seems like I'm being a baby; especially after everything I've done so far. It's just that I hate that horrible throbbing ache in the arm from a needle stuck in too long. Humor me please?

Just holding the fort...

Thanks everyone, for your kind thoughts about my upcoming 2 years. Like Yodasmistress, I don't know when my exact date is, but it's coming rather too quickly for my liking. I remember when we started this adventure (?) that I could see no reason why I wouldn't be pregnant by age 30. It was inconceivable to me that it would go on this long. And yes, I know many have been trying so much longer, but we (at least in my case) always seem to think "It won't happen to us," or "My problem won't be that bad." I don't know if it's good or bad, but I'm a lot more realistic and a touch more pessimistic than I was before all this. I also like to think I've matured a lot. And that's a great thing. I'm happy to have the greater sensitivity that I now have. I am not proud of some of my thoughts on infertility before I experienced it.

As for my daily life, it's just chugging along. I just finished my last progesterone pill, and I think AF ("Aunt Flo" - menses) is just around the corner. I'm excited that it's happening so quickly as it usually takes about 5 days for me. The minute I get AF, I call the clinic for my cyst scan and we're on to Femara and the "Last IUI." (I thought that deserved capitals.)

The weather is finally starting to settle. It's always cooler in the evenings and mornings in October, but the days can range from Summer hot to pleasantly mild (at least for Fla.. mild is 80's). But now we're seeing low 80's during the day more consistently, and we only hit the high for a few hours. Ahhhh Florida winter here we come. I LOVE IT.

The hubby got Guitar Hero III for his birthday and is in hog heaven! I like Guitar Hero too, but played myself out a bit. He's still completely gung ho! He also got Kingdom Hearts, and that I'm becoming a little obsessed with. Anyone else have games they love that they'd like to share? My all-time favorite is Okami.

See why I haven't updated? Not a lot going on. :) Just the day to day.. which I guess is ok with me.

Cheers!

Newsflash

This just in... Pregzilla is currently on the loose! But beware of her chameleon like nature. She lures unwitting victims with sweet words and protestations of innocence, only to drag them to their doom later! Lock your doors and guard your loved ones. No one is safe!

In all seriousness, she has told someone else I hate her because she's pregnant and I'm not. *giant snort* I don't actually hate her. That would take up too much energy. And I'm sure it's a waste of my time to explain that I'm actually just careful around her for fear of getting too close, only to be put on the sh*tlist of death again.

On a good note, another of my friends is pregnant. She decided to "let it happen if it happened," and "fell" pregnant a month later. I'm very happy for her, as she's going to be a good Mom. I'm also jealous as Hell that she had the luxury of not even planning, but I'm still trying to curtail that part of my reaction (see this post for my current view.) The great thing about this is that she finally realizes why I have reason to be so concerned and upset. She spent a lot of time telling me that 2 yrs isn't a long time and that I worried too much. Now that it's happened for her so quickly, I think she has more of an inkling. At least she's stopped telling me those things, and that's all I really care about.

*Disclaimer: I have not yet been trying 2yrs. It's just looming very close on the horizon

Lap Update & Other News

First of all, can I complain for just a moment about how *&!#$ HOT it is right now? Florida is toying with us. We get beautiful fall weather (fall for Fla anyway) one day, and it's in the 90's and humid the next. argh. Oh well. I still love this state and wouldn't trade it for the cold north. I did my time there.

OK, enough with the trivialities. My laparoscopy bruise has now faded to a light yellow, and I can wear clothes that actually fit around the waist without discomfort! Furthermore, my incision sites have all healed up and are barely noticeable. *I* know my belly button looks different, but no one else does. ;-)

And for even more exciting news, I just got matched for a patient mentor program with my clinic! I really hope it works out, and I can be helpful to these people. I won't be talking about it more on here to respect their privacy. But I just had to share that it feels so great to be doing something positive with this cesspool that is infertility.

The Clinical Endocrinologist

Pretty imaginative title eh? I didn't feel like thinking up something witty.

So I went to the clinical endocrinologist (CE) yesterday. That's different from the RE in that they treat all sorts of endocrine issues whether or not the person is trying to conceive. It was a nice office with nice people, but considering their multiple and dire warnings about what would happen if I were late, it took quite a long time to see the doctor. They were about an hour late.

Anywho, the doctor was very very nice, and very on top of treatment options and the newest research for pcos and hypothyroid. Despite RE's vague protests to the contrary, she confirmed that I did indeed have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. This further proves my hypothesis that my doctor has no idea who I am from one visit or question to the next. (He had said something like it wasn't Hashi's because your tsh has to be high for that and mine's low and other ramblings. btw.. mine is high) I'm SO jealous of all you who actually get to e-mail questions to your docs!!

The CE told me that there was nothing I could do to lower my antibodies, but that it only increased my risk of miscarriage by a little. Now, how much pcos raises the risk when added to the mix, I didn't ask. She's going to run another TSH/Free T-4 panel and a baseline ultrasound (though she thinks I don't really need it) in 2 wks. Then she'll reevaluate my treatment and see me again in 2 mos. I have to say, it's very reassuring to have someone who knows something about this problem taking care of me even after my ttc is over. I was very worried about that. And she seems to really treat the problem based on bloodwork AND symptoms. Unique idea, that.

Oh, and as far as the usage of glucophage to treat pcos, she agrees with RE in that they used to use it for every pcos patient, and it was the golden pill. However, she also agrees that the research now is a little murky as to how much it helps, and what the particulars are. I'm always so impressed with RE's interest in staying current, so it was nice to see that she agreed with him.

To learn more about the debate over "normal" TSH ranges, click here: The TSH Normal Range: Why is there Still Controversy?

O.prah also apparently "came out" about her thyroid problems recently. I didn't see the show, so have no idea whether I would have liked what she said or not. If anyone did and wants to weigh in, please leave some comments! I am glad of the increased awareness she brings however. The expert she had on that show has a very interesting website. Some of her mystical, "girls are repressed, so they get sick" stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but her science based information is very interesting.

I'm almost as passionate about this information as I am about the complete infertility piece, so bless you if you had the patience to read this far. ;-)

In other news, I took my first Provera tonight! In about 3 weeks, we'll be on the way to a new IUI cycle! I'm both excited and completely freaked. The failures are really starting to kill me each time. I hope I don't go through the depression/anger phase I went through on the last cycle that didn't work.

Relaxed and Happy

I'm back from a relaxing time that was definitely needed. Thanks hubby, for making it happen!

In other news, I have now been on glucophage (met) for one week and have not had one single side effect! I am so deliriously happy about this that I could possibly break into song at any moment. I am the Side Effect Queen of the Universe, so to not have any with this drug that is so notorious is exhilarating. Just call me Maria.

Tomorrow I head to the clinical endocrinologist. Why not add more to the mix? It will be FUN!

More IF Coverage! Let's keep it going!

I had a lot of mixed emotions about the recent Oprah IF based show. I tossed around the idea of writing a piece on it for a while, but I so completely agree with Julie at A Little Pregnant that I've decided to link to her blog to show my support.

Besides, I will never match her ease and skill with words, so reading it on her blog will be much more fun.

I've been tagged!

Seussgirl tagged me to list 7 quirks/unusual things about myself in my blog. Should be fun!

1. I like to sit on the floor... not for dinner or anything, just when hanging out. I don't know why. It perplexes many of my hosts, believe me.

2. If I read a book that's part of a series, I have to read them all (unless they go on forever like Xanth or something.) And I absolutely CANNOT read them out of turn.

3. I love how things feel. I am often almost as entranced by toddler toys that are made out of fun materials as toddlers themselves are.

4. I am highly smell oriented. If I smell something bad, I will ferret it out until I can get rid of it. On the other hand, I love the smell of crayons and books; two things that bring back wonderful memories. I'm also tuned in to how people smell... not just their perfume, but that YOU smell. ya know what I mean? (See.. quirky. ;-)

5. I have a thumb that I can pop out of joint and lock in place. It's gross, and it hurts, but I can do it.

6. I regularly have dreams so crazy and vivid they could be complete movies. (although sometimes those movies would be completely wacked out)

7. I like to mix different drinks together. For example: I think it's fun to mix cherry coke with iced tea, or ginger ale with root beer etc.

I'm sure DH is thinking I have MUCH weirder things than these, but this is what I came up with. If he would like to post some in his comments, he's more than welcome. (Just remember dear, that this is my anonymous blog, so no identifying info!)

I tag Allison, Journey to Junior and Kristen

The Consult

So here is one of the photos from my lap. DH got it slightly wrong when he told me about the cyst. It was actually attached to the end of my tube. RE thought that it probably wasn't hurting anything, but that it could only help to remove it since it was pulling my tube down a little. The cyst is the little round thing on the bottom left. (I know. Quite the technical terms here.)

RE reiterated that it all looked good in there. He says that no one is positive why women with hormonal disturbances can have such painful menstruation without endometriosis. He says they think it's that prostoglandins build up in the walls of your uterus and cause pain during the necrosis of the endometrial tissue. Yeah. I don't completely get it either, but I understand it means that hormones cause it. He also confirmed that I'm healing nicely (albeit with a pretty yellow and purple bruise around my belly button.)

We talked about next steps, and RE suggested that we may want to think about injectibles/trigger/iui for the next round. I had been thinking about that too, but I think I'd like to give Femara/trigger/iui one more try. We've only done it twice, and the first time did result in a bfp even though it didn't last. I've produced 2 mature follies each of the 3 times I've taken Femara (letrazole), so I think I respond pretty well. He was also at a loss as to why we weren't successfully pregnant yet despite the lack of any other factors. Because of this, he'd like to try me on a low dose of glucophage. I'm very leery of that drug because I don't want the side effects! haha. But I will do what I have to to achieve our goal.

My head is already swimming with ideas for how to maintain a healthy diet that will best achieve our pregnancy goal. I can't stand all this juggling! It seems like EVERYTHING is off limits! Because I'm so overwhelmed, I've decided to go back to basics and cut out the sugar, refined (and most complex) carbs, and preservatives. I'm also still going to try to buy organic when possible. RE also told me to stop eating so much flax because it has estrogen qualities that can halt ovulation. Great. NOW he tells me. It's been in the record that HE wrote from my first consult that I take a flax seed oil caplet every day, but he waits until NOW to tell me not to take it! Geez. Thanks.

Overall though, everything is looking good. RE thinks there's no reason to think we won't achieve our goal without IVF, which is good considering we are not going to do IVF. I'm also very happy with his surgical skills, as the main scar is all INSIDE my belly button and hardly visible at all. The other one is so little and so low that no one will ever see it. :)

I hope we're making all the right decisions. It seems like the right one for me, but I always second guess when I decide to not do something that's more aggressive. (ie the injectibles). So I start progesterone in a week to bring on AF and then the craziness starts all over again!

No More Pity Parties

A dear friend of mine just found out that her unborn baby girl has D.own's Sy.ndrome. I've been feeling for a while that I throw just a few too many pity parties for myself when so many other people have their own individual issues.. each unique and challenging as the last.

This is the beginning of a new chapter for me. I will be supportive of all my friends and family. I will be optimistic and hopeful with a healthy dash of realism, and I will strive to not be the "assvisor" to any more of my loved ones than I already have. I will be grateful for all my gifts, while acknowledging my trials and shortcomings. I hope this makes it easier on those around me dealing with their own issues. I can't pretend I won't have my weak moments, but I can swear to do my best.

And to our friends, we love you and support you unconditionally. Lean on us any time.

The Short Version

Hi everyone! You are all SO kind, helpful and comforting. I know I haven't been commenting much, but I have been reading. Even though this wasn't a huge procedure, coming on here and seeing your words of encouragement meant a lot to me.

Mom is currently occupied, so I have a few minutes to type out some of my thoughts. I am 99.9% ecstatic and relieved that I don't have to add endometriosis to my "ttc with pcos and hypothyroid" tagline. I'm also happy that I have that worry off my shoulders health-wise. For the other .1%, I'm mixed up over whether it was the right decision (though it is nice to know) and why I have some of the problems I do, and what the docs are going to think about this. But more about that after I have my consult.

As for the procedure itself, I feel like it couldn't have gone more smoothly. I had my pre-op work up the day before, and everything went well. Well - except for the one nurse who looked at my chart and clucked, "A hysterectomy?? You're so young!" There was a small explosion somewhere between my eyes as I goggled at her speechlessly. I was finally able to stammer, "a hyster-oscopy, not a hysterectomy." As a result I spent much of the night before dreaming of mistaken hysterectomies.

Despite our lack of sleep, we somehow managed to drag our butts to the hospital to check in by 5:30am. I was having lots of doubts by this time of course, but soldiered on. The whole team at the hospital were so kind and helpful. I couldn't believe how wonderfully I was treated.

They took me back first, did all my vital stats and then settled me in with my beautiful hospital issue and fresh warm blankets. I even had a little TV by my head! No one told me you get a TV! What did I watch? Animal Planet of course. I waited a while until the nurse came in and started my IV. It wasn't my idea of fun, but she did a great job of not hurting me and getting it on the first stick.

Next came the pastor. They had asked for my religious affiliation on my forms, and I gave it, assuming it was for the administration of last rights or something in case of the worst. (I know, so dramatic.) Anyway, it wasn't. It was so he could come in and pray for me. I felt a little like a fraud since I am sure there were people who needed his services in that hospital much more than I did. But he was very kind and comforting.

My anesthesiologist came in at this point, and he worked hard with me to make sure that I wouldn't have too much nausea and that I would get the correct amount of anesthesia. He was just so nice. They had allowed my husband back by this time.

Since I looked so calm (mostly I was dead tired), the anesthesiologist asked if I preferred to go back without the "happy drugs," as it could cause nausea as well. I agreed, and it was actually pretty neat to see the OR with non drug clouded eyes. I even got to ask questions as they were preparing. The Bio geek in me was so excited.

I don't remember anything after him telling me the anesthesia was going in. I woke up in the OR groggy and talking as much as my sore threat would allow of course. I asked to see the doctor and the nurse said I wouldn't remember him if he came in. HAH to her! I remember our conversation. (most of it anyway)

The RE talked to DH and told him everything looked great apart from that one cyst, and gave him photos. (Would it be appropriate to scan them here? If anyone has input on that, please comment.)

It took me a long time to be able to move without feeling dizzy and nauseated and to come completely out of the anesthesia. After that, it took me forever to produce enough urine to satisfy the recovery Nazis (actually very nice nurses). We didn't get to go home until 5pm!! Surgery was at 7:30 and took 39 minutes.

The gas wasn't bad at all for me. I would get bubbles of it every now and then that were a little intense, but I swear I was burping them out!! Is that possible?? I would feel it move up into my chest, and then I would burp! I have one small incision in my "ahem" hairline, and one that goes across and down the inside of my belly button. That one bled a bit afterwards, but is ok. They both burn some. My belly muscles are sore, and my left ovary twinges every now and then. My "girly bits" get some shooting spasms off and on, but that's ok too. I get stiff and walk a little like an old lady, but all in all it's not too bad. It was much worse when I fell off the horse last year. Oh, I also look about 4 mos pregnant. How's that for irony?

Well, I think that's all for now. I only needed to take one pain pill. I've used Tylenol mostly. I got off lucky with this light diagnosis and mild probing.

Come on. Did you actually believe me when I said it was the short version??

Off to enjoy my bday and my Mom. HUGS to all!

All is Well

I'm not feeling totally fab yet, so this is a quick post. I lose the bet by a HUGE long shot. The doctor was completely shocked. I do not have ANY endo and all looks completely healthy in there. I'll ask him next week why he was so certain I did and why I have those symptoms. I had one cyst on my left ovary that he removed. That one was bothering me.

In the meantime, my mom has come to surprise me.
Love
FCIF

And the countdown is on.

My lap/hyst is in less than 2 days. DH and I are placing bets on where he'll find adhesions. (Man will we be in for a shock if he doesn't!) I'm going for bowel, left ovary and a little on the right, some on the uterus, the bladder, and that complicated sounding area that they're always saying causes "intimate" discomfort. Anyone willing to place their bets? ;-}

So far, my checklist for Friday (the big day!) is this:

• pillow for tummy
• loose fitting clothes
• soup, jello and other smooth things in case of a sore throat
• pick up pain killers
• bring a pad
• ask anesthesiologist for "anti-barf-o-rama" meds.
• ask above (that word is a bitch to type out) to - makesureIdon'twakeuppleasethankyou! Aunt and Mom have both woken up in surgery.
• Prepare to use the Hub as a security blanket. ;-)

Does anyone else have recommendations for what I should do/expect? And please, those of you who've done it, please leave me notes saying it's going to be fine! I know it's not a major surgery, but that doesn't stop it from freaking me out just a teensy weensy wittle bit.

As for my poll... It looks like my assumptions were way off! Of course it's not in the SLIGHTEST scientific so who knows what the real answer is. hahaha. RE seems to think that all this talk about endometriosis being autoimmune related is not true, and that it's probably more a structural thing. hmm. By the way, have you all noticed how blogger says that all of our IF terms are misspelled? Highly annoying. ADD THEM TO YOUR LIST, YA BUMS!

Better...

Grandfather is home (with a nurse 24 hrs) and stable. We should have a little more time with him at least.

My ultrasound and pre-op consult has been rescheduled (for the 3rd time) for Wednesday. My hospital blood work and tour are still on for Thursday. Work is gonna love this. I'll be sure to update when I go. Does anyone have any input on what I should ask at the consult? I have a few ideas, but welcome more!

This morning, as I snuggled in bed half asleep, I swear as hubby leaned over to peck my cheek, I heard him say, "I am so lucky." He maintains that he doesn't remember what he said, but it still left me with warm fuzzies. It's times like these when I realize that despite the ttc hardships, I have a damn good life and marriage. I have to remember that I've already been blessed many times over.

UDPATE: I finally also have an endocrinologist appointment! They did the whole, "Don't call us, we'll call YOU" thing, but I don't have enough patience for that. I called them and they worked me in!

Bad News

I just got a call saying that my Grandfather is back in the hospital. It's only a matter of time I think at this point. The aunts and uncles like to keep it optimistic looking, but they're just still trying to protect us "kids." You know what's the worst? I'm the oldest grandchild, and all he wanted was to see me have his first great grandchild just as his father was able to do. And if the hub and I had had it our way, Grandfather would have already been able to hold his great grandchild and to see it take its first steps. It just F-ing SUCKS.

I know it's not my fault, and I know he would never want me to feel this way, but I just feel so sad that I didn't get to share that joy with him. We were always very close and seeing his love for my child would have been a beautiful blessing to carry with me always.

Fill in the Blank

This was a forward originally titled "Menopause Jewelry," but I think it should be blank as many of us could insert many other words. For me it would be "Clomid." What would you fill in the bank with?

______________ JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Dumbass.

Of course, I love my husband dearly, and actually thank him for his patience, but this struck me funny. When I'm in my Clomid swings, I'm not so magnanimous. ;-)

The Office - SPOILERS!

Season premier tonight! It was pretty funny. Yaaaaaay Pam & Jim! I thought that was very well played. I'm breathing a big sigh of relief that they didn't fall into the sitcom "will they, won't they" trap. Thoughts?

Lunch Time Revelations

My fun event for the day was a peer support group outing at The Cheesecake Factory! I took the day off work to go (yippee!), and it was sponsored and totally free for us! This is the first day in a long time I've taken off work just for me. Boy is it worth it. I think I'm officially out of my funk.

I have been looking forward to this event for about a month, but I have to say, it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. When we arrived many of the couples (and singles) were already there. Everyone greeted us, and we just chatted until all arrived and food could be ordered. We didn't have to stand up and state our names and problems or anything. I also didn't feel the connection with some of the ladies that I've felt immediately with other "infertiles."

I did realize something however. I realized that for the first time in a long time, I am not my infertility! There were a few women there who seemed to still be in that place. They were consumed with discussing every detail of every treatment and making sure all were in agreement. In the meantime, I was happy to discuss our problems in the context of our lives. We met a lovely couple with whom we discussed work, our city, social problems and preferences along with our medical issues. It was important to me, but not the only aspect of our or others' lives in which I was interested. Don't get me wrong. It was nice to discuss various problems with these people face to face. But since they were strangers, it was a little difficult for me to launch right into my life story.

There was a very nice, but slightly odd woman there who asked each person immediately as they entered, "So what's your story? What's wrong with you?" Both DH and I paused and blinked at her a moment before answering. She also had a lot of answers for us despite the fact that even though she's had 7 IUI's, she didn't know what they were called, and at one point called it an "IVI." She was also very confused about LH, FSH and any other hormone we routinely deal with. I guess she was entertaining at least. But I'm glad we sat across from the more normal couple.

In short, it was fun, but surprising in ways. I willingly signed peoples' books with my email address, but I don't know that I'm going to keep up with them. The food was yummy (more detail in a minute), and bless my sweet sweet hubster for coming out with me. What a gem!

THE FOOD

We could order anything we wanted! How great is that?
Appetizers: DH had fried calamari, and I had Thai lettuce wraps. I don't eat squid, so can't talk about that, but the lettuce wraps were YUM! And good for me too! (points for later)

Lunch: DH had spicy crispy beef, and I had chicken piccata (lemon sauce and capers). The sauce & veggies in the beef dish were fabulous. My chicken left a little to be desired. I like more lemon and caper taste in mine.

Dessert: DH ordered a Kahlua chocolate cake (I think), and I got a caramel apple dumpling. See, that's where the points from the lettuce wraps come in. I lost a lot with that decadent dessert. I thought maybe if there was fruit in it, it wouldn't be SO bad. I could only eat a third of it though! It was sooooo sweet! I'm just not used to that anymore. It's a little sad, and good at the same time. It's going to take me days to finish it.

So after all that, I'm still tired but feeling better. I watched Knocked Up the other night with DH and blubbered a bit. Then I got out my knitting for the first time in a while and was soothed by the beautiful yarn and the clicking of the smooth, cool needles. That marked the beginning of my entrance back into the land of the normal. Thanks for all your kind thoughts and comments!