mutterings

Visiting with friends is absolutely wonderful, but that also means that I can't be commenting or even reading that much. I'm trying to stay abreast of things here and there. It's really cool though to see the U.S. through the eyes of an international traveler who really likes us! (He really likes us! - sorry. had to.)

I'm traveling again soon too. I guess my life is a little whirlwind right now huh? Oh, and that home improvement project? Still not fun. Turns out that the part we need for our shower likely isn't made anymore, and we're going to have to pay a plumber to come in and re-pipe it. That's a word right? "Re-pipe?" If it isn't, it ought to be.

FCiF out.

FYI

Word to the wise: Do not attempt a very involved home improvement project without the aid of a professional.

I might just pull all my hair out by the end of this.

Counting my Blessings

I've done a lot of whining lately. And I have to explain that a little bit. I have to admit that a lot of it is that I feel entitled. Yes. I said it. I feel entitled. I've often thought that's a very bad trait in people. Does that make me bad? I have no idea, but that's just how I feel. It's just that when you work your ass off to get to where you are, and continue to work your ass off, you'd like to see something come from it right? I always believed that's all it took - hard work. I always said, "You MAKE things happen for yourself." The problem is, you see improvement for a while until you reach this point of diminishing returns - especially in this time, in this country. I worked to pay my way through college and continue to pay off the debts. We paid for Hub's visa, our wedding and all our moves completely on our own. Now we pay for his continued schooling so that he can better himself. We've done everything we can to move ahead in life and even managed to do it without credit card debt. I know most people are in similar boats right now with the economy, but hey... do you think I could maybe have a baby? We're scared sh*tless of state adoption right now and can't afford any other kind. Maybe I could just get pregnant. You there God?

I think the main problem is that Hub and I have mainly headed for enrichment in the emotional aspect of our lives. And it's the rare person who can do that AND get ahead money-wise. But that leads me to what I really want to say. I want to count my blessings. There are so many things I AM lucky to have and been very fortunate in that I need to remember. Then maybe I won't feel so entitled anymore....

1. I have a beautiful marriage to a beautiful man. The logistics of being together were difficult to manage, but we fell head over heels in love pretty easily and haven't had many hitches in the emotional aspects of our connection. I always tell him that he's "my favorite."

2. I am passionate about my work. I love it with every fiber of my being. Even though that can cause problems in how I view work, I'm glad I've had that experience.

3. My family is AWE-SOME. I don't know how I got lucky enough to be born into a family with some of the greatest people in the world, but I was. They have given me every good trait I have. I will thank them forever for their love and dedication.

4. I have had some really wonderful friends in my time.

5. I was given intelligence enough that I could make something of myself with sheer grit.

6. Hub and I have had the opportunity to see the world beyond what we were born into and to experience some really amazing things. Traveling is a great joy in my life. (My Grandparents deserve a lot of thanks for that.)

7. Neither Hub, nor I have any major mental malfunctions and are both reasonably healthy.

And basically, I feel like we live a life true to who we are... as a couple and as individuals. That's the thing I'm most concerned about in life, so I'm so happy that's the case. I think that we've met our goals of being the "real" us and trying to make a difference in the world the best we can. Right after Grandfather died, my Dad told me that Grandfather once said to him, "You know what I like about your daughter? She is who she is and doesn't pretend to be otherwise." I don't know how true that is all the time, but it made me feel really really good. I know Grandfather didn't always agree with who I wanted to be, but I think he definitely respected my will to be so.

There. I feel much better now. Thanks for reading.

Our Beautiful Coastline

As a current Floridian, this subject is very important to me. If you're interested, click here to read about opposition to dropping the moratorium on oil drilling off the Florida coasts. The article makes a good point that starting the process now will not affect prices at the pumps today. However, they don't say that in addition to that, drilling in a new area of the U.S. really isn't enough to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and lower our costs. The only thing that will do that is investment in alternative energy sources. We are going to run out of all oil in not that many years anyway. It's only going to get worse, and oil rich nations are certainly going to keep most of it for themselves as supplies dwindle. Then they'll charge an arm and a leg for what they do send out.

I'm sorry I've been somewhat absent. I really appreciate your comments and saw a lot of interesting ones that I would like to answer in a post or in the comments later, but I've been planning for visitors and working hard. Thanks for stopping by so much!

ETA: There are now some comments from me in the comments of the past few posts. I'll be writing a post soon discussing some of the holding pattern comments I think. There's a lot of juicy stuff there. :)

One Good Deed

It's amazing how much difference one random good deed can make in your life - no matter how small. It's also amazing how much that one good deed can spread. For just a little while my faith in humanity and in luck and good fortune has been bolstered. Thanks for that Freyja. Most of my thoughts toward fortune and humanity have veered more toward despair lately. I needed that break.

Holding Pattern

During a recent conversation with friends, Hub said something that has resonated within me since. We were discussing IF and the choices made because of it. I mentioned how I had tried to find out what was wrong with me long before we started actively trying to conceive, but that the doctor had said, "We'll deal with that when you're ready to get pregnant."

Hub said, "If we had known about the PCOS and difficulties we would have, I would have wanted to start earlier than we did." You'd think that may make me feel sad or introspective, but in some weird way it made me feel good. I think it's because it's firm proof that he is as affected by this as I am, and that he definitely wants to be a father. We started later partly because Hub was desperate to wait until he was 30 before starting. I was ready much before he was. I think he thought it would happen fairly quickly. It's just nice to be in the same boat together now.

Now we're in this weird holding pattern. It would be foolish of us to spend the money on another IUI right now, and I'm not so sure I want to leave the comfortable me I've just rediscovered. Besides, if we do have a baby, this economy and our financial situation are not the best. It just sucks that we get older as it goes on. It's like both of us hope that if we look the other way, maybe my body will miraculously start working and I'll have a successful pregnancy. Then we can say, "It was God's will! We'll make it work somehow!" Hey, it happens to other people right? People who had been told it would never happen? Why can't that be us? We bristle when others tell us about these "miracle stories" in the implication that it will happen for us if we're just patient. So why do we want so badly to believe it ourselves?

Remembrance

A few of you have asked about my Aunt. I thank you. My family will heal as it always does in times of crisis. We are a large clan with heart disease running rampant; so this kind of tragedy is all too common. Aunt had become the matriarch of our clan. Everyone seems a little lost right now since she's gone. We thought we had more time. We always think we have more time.

My Grandma was the oldest girl in her large family. She only had one brother older than she. Her mother died when many of the kids were young, so Grandma became the caretaker and eventually, matriarch. Everyone looked to her to handle things. Everyone gathered around her for Sunday dinners. She just drew people. She was well respected and loved.

Grandma always had heart issues. She had more heart attacks than any one person should endure. Then, at 57, the doctors told her she had very little time left. It could be tomorrow, or it could be 3 years, they said. It was 3 years. My Mom was very young when Grandma died. She had two older siblings, but Mom tended to be the one to take on responsibility. She had me to care for after all. But you need someone to look up to in your early 20's, and Aunt filled that role for Mom. Aunt and Uncle (who reminds us so much of Grandma) started to treat Mom as one of their own. When Mom was little, she played with their kids as if they were brothers and sisters, so it was a natural evolution. Aunt and Uncle even made me, and later my step-sister, feel as if we were theirs to care for. Obviously we weren't the same as the grandchildren, but Aunt and Uncle filled a void we felt.

I'll never forget something Aunt said about us to a visitor. A family friend had stopped by the house and was inspecting the photos displayed on the entertainment unit. He read through all the names of the grandchildren and then stopped when he came upon my and Sister's faces. "Why are they on here?" he asked, "Isn't this just for grandchildren?"

Aunt replied, "Those two belong up there just as much as every one of my grandchildren."

Aunt was tough talking and full of grit. She'd tell you what she thought and damn the consequences. But she was also full of more heart than most people I know. When a cousin on my Dad's side of the family passed away at a young age, Aunt wept quietly to herself even though she never knew her. She wept for the loss of such a sweet young life.

Aunt's dog, E ran away once and came back carrying pups. Aunt cursed and huffed, saying she didn't want to deal with all those animals. Then E went into labor, and Aunt tenderly helped deliver all 14 puppies and cried when one didn't make it. She even worked around the clock to help E feed the pups, as 13 was too much for one dog. They placed all 13 in loving homes.

These are the memories that will come up when I visit home soon. We are a "talk it through" family. We'll share wonderful memories and hugs, and get through it together.

Trip Photos

I don't think I'm going to write a story about our trip to Europe because it's just too big. There was just too much awe, excitement and traveling involved for me to even begin to wrap my brain around a little blog post. And I really don't want to write a novel about it.

However, I will say that getting through customs was surprisingly easy compared to coming into the U.S., Canada, or the Caribbean. We kept waiting for them to stop us or ask us more questions, but it never happened! Germany is a really beautiful country in topography, architecture, historical sites and climate. I have German roots, so it felt a little like coming home. We didn't see too much of the Netherlands, but what we saw was pretty and more modern. It felt a bit less foreign than Germany did. The people of the Netherlands were so kind and helpful. I know some of my friends think that's just a stereotype, but I'm telling you, all whom I've met from there in my life have been some of the nicest people. It must be in all that water. I really did not want to come home so soon.

With that said, here are the photos:

On the Left - German countryside. On the Right - the famous canals of Utrecht, Netherlands - dating to the 1300's I believe. Both so beautiful.
Above - Hubs takes shots like the paparazzi as friends and I walk through the night streets. I'm in the middle. That's the best shot you're getting. ;-)

A beautiful view of the Mosel river. Vineyards, fortresses and castles abounded.


On the left an altstadt (old town) in Germany. We're talking 12th century old. On the right, an 1800's fortress overlooking the Rhine.

Pieces of the Berlin Wall. (Not in Berlin)

The ruins of Heidelberg Castle - begun in the 1200's and added to for 100's of years. That tower in the foreground was blown up by the French 100's of years ago. It's called "Thick Tower." The walls in it are 26ft thick. The Castle would have protected the town below along the Neckar River. Nobels would have lived in the shadow of the castle on the other side of a formidable gated bridge that still exists. Peasants would have been on their own on the other side of the bridge. Gotta love medieval times.

By the way, the Rhineland area really resembles Pennsylvania with its rolling green mountains, forests and farms. The towns are very different, but the topography is not. I think now I know why so very many Germans settled in PA. It made me a little homesick. The weather seemed nicer in Germany though. haha.

P.S. I'm going to answer some of the post comments from earlier within the comments.

P.P.S. Hub took most of these pictures and I think needs a few kudos for some good photography with a crappy camera. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you sooner honey! Good job!

One of my 2 secret knitting projects revealed

I can finally show everyone one of those knitting projects I couldn't talk about.

I knitted them for the recent addition to our extended family, so I couldn't show them until they received it. They are Mary Jane Booties, and I just love them. They were surprisingly easy, but I did have some problems with left and right (as I always seem to) and am not sure it ended up exactly correct. I also knitted 3 booties to get 2 that I liked. haha.

Here's a shot of what they look like before they are finished and sewn up. I'm pretty darn proud of myself as this is my very first attempt at footwear. I hope the little girl likes them!

I think I may feel like doing some trip posts in the next few days.

Catching Up

We're back, and I will be catching up, but things are insane right now. I can't even write a cohesive, coherent post about it all, so you're going to get it in blurbs. Europe was exhilarating, enlightening, beautiful and a great chance to get away from our lives. Unfortunately, it didn't take long to have it all come crashing back.

*Aunt died this morning. More complications from the whole process. As usual at this early
stage, most are numb and nothing is figured out yet. Since prices of everything went up a lot even in that short week we were gone, am I going to have money to go to the funeral? Hell, are we going to have money to do anything if this doesn't stop soon?

*There was a birth in the family. At least that's a good thing. I just wish I had already borne a
playmate for the new one. CONGRATULATIONS M&H!

*I got my period on the second plane back home... the plane that was delayed, and in which the a/c was broken at first so we sat on a sweltering tarmac for 40 minutes while they fixed it. Nice. However, I noticed that it came at exactly the time it should have come for me to have ovulated on cycle day 24... just like the last 2 cycles. Maybe I did ovulate, and it just wasn't a good one, or maybe my body is just actually having regular menses now even if I don't ovulate. I am very happy about either case because it's still more regular than I was before. I just wish we could bump up the ovulation day a little bit. It would be nice if this would work for me because I don't see us having the money for that last try at IUI any time soon. It just seems too frivolous when we're dealing with all this family and financial stuff.

I will write more about how wonderful Germany and the Netherlands were along with photos when I feel more up to it. I was so entranced by our trip, and it filled me with such joy that I don't want to write about it until I can do it justice.

Now I'm on to catch up on everyone's lives.

Lots of love,
FCiF

Only have a moment. I love Germany. Period. If you had asked before we came here which country I'd want to visit, I wouldn't have chosen it first. But it is a gorgeous, fascinating country, and I wish we could stay longer! Today we visited a castle, a 2000 yr old town, and gorgeous countryside. I liked the Netherlands too, but saw much less of it, so it's harder to talk about. I loved the people though. Back soon! Oh wait. I mean back soon. :(

Vacation Rambling

Mel's recent post about vacations got me thinking more about our own impending (VERY SOON!) trip. I've been so distracted by family problems and logistics that I hadn't even gotten excited about the idea yet that we are going to Europe for the first time ever. It almost seems like a dream to me. I come from a small, rural, poverty riddled town and from a very lower class upbringing. I was lucky I went to college. It's almost absurd to think that I've lived in different states, traveled to the Caribbean and married a Canadian. Now I'm going to add Europe to the list? I always thought I'd go sometime, but the economy being what it's been, we've been wondering when. Now the time is nigh.

Our vacation style is definitely what I'd call "adventure-driven." We generally call our vacations "adventures" and try to immerse ourselves in whatever culture we've been plopped into by exploring everything and anything exciting to us. There was a lot of discussion amongst family and between the Hub and I over what is happening with my Aunt and how it will affect our decision to take this trip. All involved expect that we should go. It bothers me to think that it may seem like I'm preferring a trip to my Aunt, but her condition has not changed, she is not awake, and I suspect that I suffer from a bit too much optimism that she'll recover. I'm afraid to act as if she won't and cancel the trip to be there in case it makes the worst happen. You know what I mean? It's that same crazy reasoning that has led me to believe in the past that I could have prevented my early miscarriage. You are all familiar with it I'm sure.

But we will go on the trip and see our dear friends unite in marriage. They seem so wonderful together that I cannot wait to see their vows of commitment. I'm sure it will be beautiful. There's also the fact that they're getting married in a castle. That doesn't hurt a bit. We will hope that our optimism about my Aunt will prove helpful even though I know that's silly. I will be going up there soon, and I would love to see her and tell her to get well myself.

We leave this week. I've been hesitant to say where we're going what with my attempted quasi-anonymity and all, but eff it. We fly into Germany first, and will spend time with my Dad there. Then we'll travel to the Netherlands, and then back to Germany before heading home. I will be taking lots of photos.

xoxo
FCiF