Aunt Flo must have sharpened her sticks...

...and she's poking them into various reproductive organs with a vengeance. It's this very pain (along with a few other factors) that convinced my doctor I needed a laparoscopy. So I'm sitting here before 6 AM, on my day off, waiting for drugs to kick in so I can get back to sleep.

During my Christmas shopping yesterday (almost done!), I started to develop my hella-lower back ache, cramps, and the sparkling disposition that usually accompanies The Witch. So I knew it was coming later that day. It was odd though because my last dose of Provera was supposed to be last night. I've been getting my period earlier and earlier from my Provera treatments. I can only assume that my body's responding better due to the thyroid meds and metformin. It used to be that I would go a good 3 months without my period, and then only get it a week after finishing Provera. Oh well. I guess I'll never truly understand this crazy system I've got. The good news is that this means my shiny new cycle with my hopeful new protocol starts a week earlier than I thought! We should be able to sneak it in under the wire juuuust before Christmas. Maybe that will bring me luck. (mm hmm.. just like everything else has :eye roll:) I will call to get in for my cyst scan today and get my scripts for the new Femara dose. I already have the gonal-F.

This explains my uber-sensitivity this past week. I've become acutely aware that the pain of infertility and the loss of hope has solidified into a deeply rooted, aching knot in the pit of my stomach. It's become so deep that I can talk about it on the surface perfectly calmly, and have become quite the educator. But I carry it around with me always, and things that used to give me wistful hope now only set off a storm of emotions. I guess now I understand even better what everyone means when they talk about the difference in experience when you've tried almost everything and have ttc longer than a certain period. All painful experiences, but very different.

That being said, if you are in this same place, do not watch Waitress... especially before AF.... right before Christmas... right after a couple of spectacularly failed cycles. Dumb, dumb decision. It's a good movie. However, that did not outweigh my negative reaction (though I guess it was cathartic), and no it did not give me hope.

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P.S. A shout-out to the hubs for being such a doll and listening sweetly to the blubbering mess that was me. And also for apparently taking this fabulously funny post to heart and doing exactly as it suggests.