Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

When the nurse midwife laid you on my chest, I was so overcome by emotion that all I could do was choke out dry breathy sobs. It was too much even for tears. I wanted to hug you and love you and protect you more than anything I've ever felt. But then we only got to see you for a few more minutes before they whisked you away to transition because of our fevers and your apgar scores. When I saw you again three hours later, I couldn't believe you were mine. I will forever miss that bonding time right after birth, but it didn't seem to hurt our relationship.

A few days later, I started to develop some anxiety and blood pressure issues, and you developed a comfort nursing addiction along with a lot of gas and the screaming to match it all. I moved into a baby blues, anxious, frustrated fog. It became difficult to bond with you unless I had someone else to help me calm you. But the past few days, I feel myself moving out of that fog. (partly because we've figured out some of these issues) It's beautiful. I can look at you again with clear eyes and feel the dry sobs come. I love you. I love you more than anything I've ever loved in my life. And when I look at you, I see your Daddy too. And when I look at your Daddy, I see you. It's like there are two big spheres in my heart that overlap. On one side is my love for Daddy. On the other side is my love for you. In the middle is this crazy, mixed swirl of emotion tied up in the both of you. You share that. I have such an attachment to both of you now that it's not only emotionally difficult for me to be away from you, it's a physical difficulty as well.

Every day you look at me with a little more understanding. And every day I fall for you a little more.

Always yours,
M