Dear Non-Doctor B,

I'm not sure what I think about you. I've never been to a psychotherapist, or any other mental health professional for that matter. I don't really know how to evaluate our session. You seem nice, but at the same time, I've had glimpses of what may be another side already. But before we even get into that, your office seems kinda skeevy. The building is old, in a bad part of town, and in desperate need of some TLC. Even the window blinds look dirty and ancient. Inside, the carpet must be from the 70's, and the walls look like I painted them. (not a compliment) I understand that you merely rent a room in this building, so let's just discuss your office. It's a little room that's part of a suite of offices. It smells kind of dank, but you seem to want to rectify that since you have lovely candles everywhere, along with a prominently displayed can of Glade. There are stuffed animals in baskets and on the couch. I don't know if that creeps me out or comforts me. I'm sure they're full of germs. The couch itself would be pretty if it weren't so old that it sucks me into its embrace with enthusiasm.

OK, OK... I know. You can't judge a book by its cover. So let's discuss my conflicting thoughts on your practice. When I first called you, you were a bit snippy with me until you realized I was a potential patient. I understood, seeing as you were in the midst of a therapy session at the time. But should you really be answering your cell during a session? Again, I haven't experienced therapy, so I don't know.

When I arrived at your office on the dot for the time on which we had agreed, you were not there, and it was locked. I wandered around for a few minutes before going back to the car to look for your number since no one else was in the whole building either. When I got to my car, my cell rang and you said, "Barb, were you going to keep your appointment?" in a snippy tone. When I explained that you weren't there, you became all nicey again. By the time we started, it was 10 or 15 minutes late (and you didn't take that into account for our time frame.)

You seemed nice enough. But you did interrupt me to take a call from your daughter. Again, I don't know if this is ok to do or not. You started off by telling me that therapy is your part time job, and that you have counseled 4 other women with IF - all 4 with PCOS. You also went on to tell me about every single person you know with PCOS (including your daughter) and what their outcome was - emphasizing the ones who got pregnant. When I mentioned that I was there to try to let go of my need to experience pregnancy so that I could more fully embrace adoption, you promptly broke out the assvice. The first was the classic, "So and so tried for years and years, and when she let go and signed the adoption papers, she fell pregnant. It was only after she let go that it happened." (Insert "relaxed" for let go). When I explained that I don't like to think about adoption as a means to pregnancy, you did a 180 again and completely agreed. But that assvice was still tucked in your back pocket, ready for use as later you mentioned that we don't know what God has in store for us, and perhaps I should accept his wisdom. I get that. I really do. But are you supposed to mention God in your first therapy session before you know what my beliefs are? Again, I'm the newbie here, so you tell me.

You went on to say that I was very informed, and had a good handle on most of it myself already, and that I needed to tell you what I really wanted help with. I explained again my difficulty with letting go of the need to experience pregnancy, combine our DNA, etc You agreed, but made sure to quiz me on what tests were needed for PCOS, what levels were acceptable for TSH, and what meds can help so that you could write it down to tell your daughter. I don't mind that at all since I love to help people, but maybe you could have done that when I wasn't on the clock, after our session?

You seem to care, and you seem nice, but I just don't know what to think. You also say you place children in foster care, but some things you said didn't seem to jive with what I've learned about the Florida state system. Maybe I had the wrong facts? If you do have an in with the system, I could learn a lot from you. That would be cool.

I'm just really confused. I don't know how a therapist is really supposed to conduct themselves, and I am definitely up and down on what I think of you. I DO know that you definitely need to learn more about how IF affects people and what treatment would help. But can you help me despite that fact? I don't know. Am I being too critical? Too controlling? I've been guilty of that in the past. Should I try one more session with you to give it another go? Or should I just save my limited number of sessions in insurance and go for another therapist?

And I really don't know if I liked hugging you. I'm a huggy person, but you're a stranger. I'm so conflicted.

Sincerely,
FCIF

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On a serious note - can anyone who's had therapy inform me on any of this stuff? Does this sound like the norm to you? I already don't think I like her that much, but I don't want to be making a decision on it hastily. Any help is much appreciated. xoxoxo