Not Immune

I am back from the 3 hour glucose tolerance test. Well, I've been back for a while, but food and sleeping had to come before blogging. It really wasn't so bad. I mean, it wasn't as bad as you would think for guzzling the orange crap and having 4 blood draws in 3 hours with an empty tummy. I was really lucky to have the very gentle guy who has a soothing voice and rarely hurts me at all and never leaves a bruise. He was so careful to not do the same draw twice. As for how I felt, the first hour and a half were bleeeeeh, but then I felt better. I'm hoping this is a sign my body dealt ok with the sugar? I know, I know. Don't get ahead of myself.

In any case, I had all these plans that I was going to write down blog ideas I had, make shopping lists and in short, just be all productive. Yeah right. I'm really glad I had my easy read book, Betrayed with me. I finished the whole thing. I liked it. I think I liked it enough to read the next few.

I did at least think about blogging while I sat there. I thought about the fact that while I'm pretty comfortable with this pregnancy now most of the time, I am most definitely not immune to the terror of something happening to my baby. As long as everything is going exactly according to plan, I feel great. But if one of my blood tests comes back a little off, or I don't feel him kicking quite so much one day, I worry.... a lot. People were so wonderful to me when I had my chemical pregnancy.* I was obviously devastated that one of our expensive, crappy procedures ended that way and that my possible little life was gone. However, I did know that it wasn't the same for me as losing it later on would have been. And people were so kind in saying that it was the same, that I was still a Mom and all that. But now I know for sure that for me, the loss of this pregnancy would be a devastation nowhere near what I felt then. I would mourn the loss of my child with all my heart. The stakes are so much higher now that when anything goes even a little off, that panicky voice tries to pipe up.

That's partly why I got the flu shot, and why I kick myself that I delayed on getting the H1N1 and now it's not here anymore. It was available for one day. I can handle getting sick and feeling miserable. What I can't handle is the guilt if I got sick and something happened to my baby when I had the possible power to prevent it. I dodged a bullet this week. We just found out that a friend we just visited was coming down with the swine flu while we were there. Luckily both Hub and I are past the point where we would be showing signs if we were to get it. However, Hub has been working his tail off and seems to catch everything, and I work around lots of people every day. I hope we continue with this luck.


*fyi just in case - meaning that you had a pregnancy.. implanted and all but you only had blood test results to prove it because it was lost so early. It always bugs me when people say it was a pregnancy that didn't implant. Because if it didn't implant, you wouldn't get a positive pregnancy or blood test. And you usually lose the pregnancy much after it should have implanted with a chemical.