First I have to wish everyone a safe, happy and healthy New Year. I know the healthy part is always questionable for a lot of us, but here's to hoping anyway. :)
I'm almost in the middle of my two week wait. I have a killer lower backache, cramps, mood swings and major chocolate and salt cravings. In short, it feels like my period is just around the corner, but it's way too early. I seem to feel like this more on Femara than I did on anything else. And it was much worse the cycle of my chemical pregnancy (or early miscarriage). Of course that freaks me out, but what are ya gonna do? These signs never really mean anything in particular except in hindsight. So that doesn't really help me.
Something that is really bothering me though is that I know our chances, and I know they aren't high. Therefore, I've been preparing myself for the coming of AF. The thing that's jerking me around so much right now though is that this is it. This is our last cycle... at least for a really long time. If this doesn't pan out, we start saving a dollar here and a dollar there (literally) toward adoption and start investigating the process. Between the lap and the latest round of failed cycles, we are very very broke. We wouldn't have made the bills this month except for some very thoughtful gifts of cash from some relatives.
Adoption scares the crap out of me. And if this cycle doesn't work, barring a miracle, that's what we're looking at. I'm afraid of the cost, the process and the adjustment. But I know I have a lot of love to give the child that's waiting for us. I just don't know yet how to grieve the loss of the pregnancy experience.
So I'm in the midst of depression and pessimism. Even if I am pregnant, how do I make sure I won't lose it? PCOS is not famous for its kindness to pregnancy. I know these are the same things that plague many of your minds. I'm just deeper into it than I usually am. I think I've decided that I need some time to myself until we know for sure, and some time to process the results. I will be around, but if I post, it probably won't be ttc related at all. I will definitely let you all know when I feel I can though. I just need to step back for DH and me. I hate this black pit of a wait. And I hate even more the negative results afterwards. I'll be thinking of you all though.
B
Monday, December 31, 2007
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9 comments:
Lots of love to you and best wishes for whatever happens in 2008.
The wait is such torture, I totally agree.
Your symptoms sound quite promising to me. I'm not trying to get your hopes up here, but I'm just saying - they sound a lot like mine did.
I truly hope your answers come quickly and that you get nothing short of great news. Hang in there.
Wishing you all the best - Happy New Year.
*hugs!*
I know the black vortex that is known as the 2ww and the PCOS hell. I am sorry that you are being thrown more than your fair share. I am wishing you lots of positives to come in 2008. Hey post about whatever you fancy .. this is your space
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I wish I had something more comforting or helpful to say, but I wish you peace and calm as you manage this 2ww.
Thanks you all. You're a comfort to me. I hope your New Years were happy. :)
I'm hoping that 2008 is a much better year for you and your DH. I can't imagine what you're going through during this wait. I'll be crossing my fingers for you.
Hi Barb,
I think you blog for the both of us sometimes! I totally get where you're at, I'm pretty much in the exact same space. It's not fun being here with no real hope for the present or the future. I know it's just a funk... keep your head up. Happy 2008, hope it gets better!
I read your post a few days ago. I've been sitting on it, digesting it. Trying to think of something particularly insightful or uplifting to say. I've come up mostly empty handed. I know what it feels like to know that money is going to be an impediment to having a child. We will seek IVF instead of adoption but the money issues is there regardless. It feels frustrating and unfair... there I go with that word again. Nobody ever claimed that life was going to be fair. But I have this pull toward thinking of it that way. Must stop that. Must get over it. Anyway, I guess I only have some ((hugs)) to give. :-)
Thanks Stephanie. I'm glad we can identify with one another. :) It just sucks that it's a crappy thing. ugh.
Thanks for your support Mallory!
Y - I'm touched that you thought so much about your answer. Thank you for your kindness. That's what means the most anyway. It's funny that we're choosing 2 different paths, but face the same issues. Of course I'm still hoping that the adoption path will be moot for me, but I have to prepare for the worst. it's my nature. Hugs back. :)
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