All righty. I guess I'll have to heave a big sigh and finally delve into this subject. I really want to just to get it off my chest, but it's a lot to think about and organize in my head.
Ovulating on my own has started to really confuse me. It gave me hope for my own body again even though I know that hope is somewhat misguided. It made me realize how very very much I want to have a pregnancy. It even made me question for a moment whether I wouldn't reconsider IVF. (I'm not by the way)
At the same time, I've started to grasp the complications and heartache that come along with adoption as well. I know you can't know until you do it, but there are just so many things of which I am terrified. We would be going through state adoption, and I know that we will probably not be chosen for quite a few children before we finally adopt. How long with that take? And how heartbreaking with that be? I just don't know if I can go through even more rejection after my own body has abandoned me. To me, it's even worse with adoption, because it's going to feel like now people are determining that I'm not fit to be a mother to someone.
The homestudy is another arm of this fear. I know it may seem odd since I have this blog and all, but my home and private life are very important to me. Sometimes I don't even like people just to drop by, I'm that private. How am I going to handle someone invading my personal space, judging the way we live (which I'm very touchy about since we don't have the money to fix up the house the way we want), and asking me such private questions? Then, even after we would get a placement, we have to endure it for quite a while more as they "check-in" with our family. I completely understand that this is the best thing for the child, but even just thinking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.
And finally, with State adoption, I know that the vast majority of those children were not given up willingly, and that most of them will be older. I just strongly feel that with the fact that we both have to work full time and more, we don't have the time we need to bond with a child who has already known another life. I also feel that we aren't equipped to deal with an older child from the get-go. If we had already raised a child through those stages, I might think so. But having had no experience as parents, we are apprehensive about jumping right in like that.
All these thoughts have only again reinforced how badly I want to have a pregnancy. When I was younger and more shallow, I used to think that people shouldn't place such a high premium on having a biological child. "Love is love!" I would think. "Why should it matter?" But it does. I know that the bond would still be there. My sister is actually my step-sister, and I can't believe that I love her any less than I would were we related by blood. And my nephew... well, if she couldn't raise him for some reason, I could already take him in as my own, that's how dearly and closely I love him. And it really doesn't matter. However, I still have thought at times that I would like to know what it's like to have a biological sibling. It took a lot of guilt before I understood that that doesn't make me love my sister any less. It just means I have a lot of wistful questions as to how it would be. I will always regret a little that I never knew what that was like.
Take those feelings and translate them into having a child, and they become a bigger issue for me. The closer I come to losing all hope at getting pregnant, the more I hold on to the dreams I had. I want to carry my husband's child. I want to be tied together by that amazing experience. I want to see his eyes light up and hear his infectious laugh when he first sees the baby moving inside me. I want to deliberate on whether it will have Grandma's nose or Daddy's hands. I want to be together in the delivery room as we experience what I consider one of the greatest miracles and cry as we touch his or her little fingers. I want to look at this little life that we created together, out of our love and know that someday he or she will create little lives of his or her own. We're both from completely different cultures. I want to see them blend and merge into this little child - a tie that binds it all together. And I know that Hub wants many of the same things.
I've avoided saying many of these things because at one time, I would have considered them very selfish. But I think I've matured enough through all this to understand that it is what it is. It's healthy and natural to have some of these thoughts. I need to work through them a little better before I can feel like I would be the best Mom I could be to an adopted child. I know I would love that child unconditionally. But I don't want all these wistful regrets hanging so thickly in the air around him or her. The main thing is, when I have my child, I want them to have the best chances possible at a wonderful life. So for me to feel comfortable, I need to be in a really good place about adoption before we go through with it.
So here is what we've come up with:
We wait a few cycles to see how my body is working for sure.
Then we do one more medicated IUI - possibly with another clinic where the doctor actually pays more individualized attention to their patients' whole health. I need this last try since my 3rd IUI was a complete no-go.
If this does not result in a pregnancy (and possibly even if it does, but later on) we will begin the State sponsored adoption classes.
If the State system really seems too hard for us, we consider asking some family members who have expressed the desire to help for a partial loan to help us with the costs of private domestic adoption. We will hopefully be able to pay them back with tax rebates and a lot of hard work.
It feels good to have some plan. I hope this one works out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion though that we will be heading for the last 2 options rather quickly. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism by posting this, but I had to put it out there - somewhere. I had to ease my own mind.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
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16 comments:
Oh honey, no criticism from me! Last fall, after I lost my third pregnancy (ectopic) and I knew I would have to have surgery before I could do more IVF, I was sure that we were done. I just had had enough. I told all my friends I was moving on to adoption, became obsessive about researching international adoption, even started the process of attending meetings and such.
But the truth was that I just wasn't ready to give up the dream. And there's nothing to feel guilty about when that happens. OF COURSE you want a biological child! OF COURSE you want your man's baby, not some stranger's child. (One of the most interesting things about IF was my discovery that I cared more about having J's kid than having my own.) And if you're not ready to let go, you're not ready to let go.
It doesn't mean that you won't let go later. And wanting the things you want now doesn't mean you'll love your adoptive family any less.
And there's certainly nothing wrong with worrying about adopting an older child, especially one with a rough past. You have to be smart, and practical, and know your limits. Idealism is nice, but this is real life here.
Anyone who dares judge has never faced the kinds of choices we face.
Your plan sounds really solid. And even if you don't end up with what you wanted most, it will help you make peace with your other options.
I've taught in Florida and I can't imagine a state adoption. (I'm trying to word this carefully, so that it says what I mean it to say.) The kids I taught had such awful parents, I can't imagine the parents that weren't allowed to keep their kids. (Nope, doesn't sound quite right, but I don't think I can say it any better.) I know there is a program around here for foster/adoptable kids where amateur photographers take fancy pictures of them for the adoption/foster websites. Maybe you could volunteer for that a couple of times. It would give you some contact with the types of kids that are out there and you could see if it is something that feels right to you.
And I will loan you my house for your homestudy. They wouldn't have a problem with that, right? :) (If you'd like, I will come out ahead of time and help you get ready.)
Wow. I am floored by the incredible kindness from both of you. And yes Jen, could we use your house? hehe.
You have some great suggestions. I'll be talking more to you about that when the time comes.
Your thoughts are far from selfish. They're heartbreakingly honest and realistic.
The fact that you're even thinking those things put you a step ahead of most parents already.
The dream of having a biological child is so natural and so ingrained, the thought of having to let go of that dream causes real and true grief.
I also deeply cherish my privacy. I don't EVER like having people come over without calling first, even my closest friends.
Being in this place is hard, painful. But maybe it makes us stronger in the end? I sure hope so...
I hope that you don't recieve criticism for this post. I think it's completely valid. I feel the same as you in many respects when it comes to adoption. I love the idea but I hate the necessity of opening ones life up to scrutiny to become a parent.
It seems so unfair, unfit parents give birth to children all the time, but IF couples often have to jump through hoops for the opportunity to parent. The cost involved just adds insult to injury!
With all of that extra work and worry, who wouldn't want to have a baby the old fashioned way?!
I hope your plan goes smoothly!
I think this post is incredibly honest and breathtakingly refreshing. In fact i was moved to tears and only wish I could find the right words to say to you to give you hope and peace that you deserve to have
I can't even imagine what kind of criticism you would get for this. What a wonderfully written post. Yet again, you have crystallized my thoughts in a far more elegant way than I could ever hope to.
Jen is right - there are other opportunities to get involved before you have to commit to adoption. Call your local social services office. We have programs here where families can mentor a child in foster care. Maybe they have something similar to that. It might help you gauge whether you'd be ready for an older child. The training will also help you deal with many of those feelings that you are having. You don't have to have everything figured out right now.
I'm another who finds your post intelligent and wise as well as beautifully crafted. I believe that level of honesty with yourself bodes well for you and for any future children, however you might obtain them.
I was adopted as a baby and am so glad my parents were willing to take the risks to grow their family in that way. It was a good, nurturing family fo me. Even so, there were links of resemblance missing that I didn't even understand until I had my own biological children. My daughter, who has recently lost a pregnancy at thirteen weeks after five years of trying to conceive, feels as you do about really REALLY wanting to give having biological children a chance.
Your plan seems like a good one and I wish you well with it.
I think you did a wonderful job articulating what any IFer would feel.
When I was young and conception was not even on the horizon, I thought adoption would be a clear choice if I couldn't get pregnant. Now I have the same thoughts - I want to feel a baby, OUR child, growing inside me. I want that connection. I don't know a single adoption story that wasn't a success, but I can't help the way I feel.
I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have a stranger in your home who doesn't know you yet is judging what kind of parent you would be. I could barely stand having a realtor come in and tell me all reasons no one would want to buy my house.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, Barb. Once again you've managed to capture a lot of what I've been feeling as well, but in a far more eloquent way. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting a child created by you and your husband. That is completely understandable and for most people, something to be taken for granted.
I am slowly beginning to let go of the dream of having a biological child. My husband, on the other hand, isn't ready to do that yet. I won't push him since we all need to come to terms with this in our own way.
If we do choose to pursue adoption, I'm already nervous about the home study. It bothers me that they're judging our ability to be parents. I understand why they do it, but it hurts nonetheless. I'm also not keen on the invasion of privacy. Jamied's realtor analogy was a good one.
I think you have a solid plan laid out. I hope it brings you peace along the way.
I wanted to add one thought. From what I learned about international adoption, the home study isn't as scary as you might think. I don't know about what happens with domestic adoption, where the birth parent gets to choose, but the international adoption home study (and I think it's exactly the same) isn't on a grade scale. It's flat-out pass-fail. And you WILL PASS.
What they told me in my adoption meeting was that they want to make sure you (1) have a home, and (2) that it's a suitable environment. But they aren't going to freak out if there's dust under the furniture, and they're not going to go around opening drawers and looking under your mattress. It isn't like that. My understanding is that the phrase "home study" describes a whole process--gathering documents, mostly, and that the interview in your house is not that big of a deal.
At least that's how the agency described it to us. And I'm choosing to believe that, so I don't freak out at the idea.
This was such an amazing & honest post. None of this is easy...& that sucks!
xo
p.s. don't you think we ALL should move in with Jen?!
I think having a plan is the best thing you can do when the decisions get tough. That is what we always did. Then there wasn't room for the "what ifs". You make the plan, and then you stick to it.
You also brought up an interesting side of adoption that I never thought about. I have a hard time considering adoption because the birth mother could change her mind at any time and I couldn't bear having a room full of baby things and no baby to use it. I have other reasons, but that is #1 for me.
I wish there were easy answers for women like us.
I enjoy reading about your journey; I have been through most of the heartaches; just a long time ago and time has healed the pain. No criticism from me - you wrote so beautifully your feelings.
I am "older than dirt" so my options narrowed very quickly.
IA is a "paper chase" challenge but very doable. The Babychaser is right, a homestudy is a simple conversation with the SW in your home. No need to do anything different with your home, be neat and clean. The SW goes over your "autobiography" and helps you with where you are in the process. Attending a few adoption agency's intro meetings is very helpful. We KNOW our daughter is in China so have our plans cast in stone. Having a bio child along the way would have been amazing and still would if it happened(ha!!). Why delay raising your child when there are true orphans in children's home all across our nation and globe.
Take care and please, please be happy with your journey. As a BTDT mom-to-be, I love sharing life with my DH and family no matter what happens. (this is my story and I do not want to offend anyone either with my opinions).
My tears flow for those in pain, may you find peace.
Alyson 01/27/06 (IA China)
NaCommLeavMo
This post brought tears to my eyes. I have the same feelings for adoption. I think its the circumstances as to why we are adopting, that makes it hard. I've felt bad for thinking the same things and felt selfish for wanting my own biological child, but its the experience I want with that as well. I'm not to the adopting stage yet but I can understand your feelings. I also understand but feel weird about someone coming into my house making sure I'm fit to be a parent. ok i'm rambling. I wanted to stop by and give you some ((hugs))...I think it helps tremendously to hash out your feelings and write them down.
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