And nooooow the humidity sets in. I guess Summer is here to stay. Oh well. At least here I'm only truly miserable with the weather for about 3 months of the year. That's cool.
I really, truly do want to write that post about dealing with adoption vs. ARTs and all that, but I just can't get into it right now. I think I'm a bit depressed about it to tell the truth. I will probably get to it within the next few days though.
Malloryn has honored me with a very sweet little blurb. I will get to that at some point as well. I've learned not to push these things because it ends up so much better if I write what I'm feeling at any given time.
Something I was thinking about today... I've always wondered why I can handle seeing tons of pregnant woman and children every day and not be too bothered by it, but when it's someone I have to see regularly, or who I care about, it's sometimes a knife twist in the gut. I don't even cringe too much when passing the infant section of a department store anymore. But I had an "A-HA!" today. It seems simple. You'd think I would have come to it earlier. I really think that I have pulled back from anything baby related. I used to coo and aaaaw over teeny tiny shoes in stores, or show Hub the latest toddler toy in excitement, but anymore I almost feel like it doesn't interest me. I also am far less interested in talking about the mechanics of pregnancy than I used to be even though I still find it miraculous. To protect myself, and because I can't relate right now, I've put up a wall of disinterest between me and the whole baby world. I see a pregnant stranger on a walk with her toddler, and I may feel a pinch of jealousy, but it's fleeting, and my eyes almost skip over the protruding belly without seeing it. However, when it's a loved one or someone I have to face every single day, I can't put up that wall. I care far too much. Therefore, although I'm showing them my love and opening myself up to loving their child, it also opens up the old wounds of bitterness, envy and regret. To love them properly, I have to be willing to accept that. I'm not saying I love them perfectly or in the way they deserve since I'm carrying all this baggage, but I do try to be "normal." Even though there are moments where a photo or a word will make me suck in my breath, it's all worth it to be a part of their lives. I just wish I could join in the fun.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
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6 comments:
It is hot here! But at least we don't get snow.
That makes a lot of sense.
You're right - it just hurts. The I ~want~ to feel normal, but when I am around my pregnant friends I feel like the giant pink elephant in the room.
It's okay to do what you need to take care of yourself.
((((HUGS))))
This makes perfect sense and I have been there before. By choice (not circumstance) my husband and I lived with my mom and 2 sisters through the first 5 years of our marriage and subsequently, the 2.5 years it took us to conceive. After the first 1.5 years of trying, my sister became pregnant at the start of her senior year of high school. I was right there in the same house throughout the duration of her pregnancy and first wobbly months of motherhood. All of the sudden, the baby aisle barely put a blip on the "this hurts" registry; the knife was already at home waiting to stab me.
YES ...HOT ...Humid..... Sticky.. yah you get the point
I think your a-ha Moment is very enlightening.
Did you got to the blogger meeting today - I wanted to go so badly - My MIL extended her stay ...
I just found you through Malloryn's blurb. She's so sweet.
I know exactly how you feel. I used to be a lot more affected by the minutia of babyness all around: the tiny shoes in the stores, the children in the park, the baby bumps all around. But after a few years of this crap, I've become a bit immune to that.
One of my best friends had a baby two weeks ago. And THAT hurt. Because I can't distance myself from her. I just care too much.
Hang in there in humid Florida. Here in DC, we're about 2 weeks behind you. I give it until June before it becomes unbearable here.
Nice to meet you,
the Babychaser
You and I are eerily on the same wave length a lot lately. I know I haven't posted much about how I've been feeling lately, but it has been because I've had so many other things going on, so when I do blog, I have to pick and choose what to talk about. But this post strikes a chord with me yet again because I feel the exact same way lately. I see people with the little broods and think, "That will never be us. Oh well. More money for me." Its so weird, but I really don't care. Maybe it is just a wall, and maybe it will crumble one day, but I am content with it being up for now.
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