secret thoughts of an adoptive mother

This book by Jana Wolff, more than anything, has helped me start to wrap my mind around what adoption entails. Even though she went through open domestic adoption, and we would be going through the State, her raw, open account of the emotional turmoil that is adoption is inspiring. Some people feel that this book is too raw, too painful. But I need that kind of brutal honesty before I can face my fears. And for that, I thank this author with all my heart. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of the heartwarming moments you expect in the book, but she doesn't go all Hallmark on it.

Jana and her husband turned to adoption after failed infertility treatments. We have that in common. We also have in common (or so it appears) a love for the complete, unvarnished truth in written word. So I definitely identified with her. She also addresses many of the emotional roadblocks discussed in Unsung Lullabies. I found it very helpful to read that book first.

I find that I seem to have a love/hate relationship with adoption. I had always imagined that if I chose adoption, it would have been my choice after biological children or knowing that I could have biological children if I wanted. Now that I find myself backed into a corner by infertility, that choice is not filled with all the sunshine and rainbows I had imagined before. I felt like Jana reached into my brain and put into a book what I would have said if I had it figured out. One touching chapter features an imaginary letter to the birth mother with all those true, conflicted thoughts represented. Next to that, she writes the real letter that went with their file; the one that contains all the flattering words she thinks (and sometimes does) feel. It was such an illuminating moment for me.

When Jana and her husband do go to bring their baby home, her account of the birth was gut wrenching. It addressed all those fears I had tucked into my back pocket. Will the baby be healthy? Will the mother want him back? Will I love him right away? Will I feel like backing out? What if the baby looks so different from us that everyone stares? How do I prepare mentally for a child without experiencing the pregnancy? Will my family accept him equally?

These are all questions that may sound trite to one who has never really been faced with the reality that adoption may be their only chance. Frankly, I don't want to hear one peep from those people that I'm a bad person for thinking these things. Face it yourself, then you can talk.

The last third of the book completely switches gears, but it was an interesting and welcome switch. Jana talks about the fact that they are white and Jewish, while their child comes from a Christian, Hispanic mother and a mixed race father. I read this section with hungry eyes. Even if I never faced these issues, the insidious, "quiet" racism that still exists in this country is a fascinating subject for me. Furthermore, even if we do conceive a biological child (looking more doubtful after 2 years), our child will be mixed race as well. He or she will most likely look very much like a slightly less obvious version of the Hub. As much as I look forward to that, I also often wonder if people will assume I've adopted my biological child, or how I will help him or her understand that though we are moving toward more equality in numbers and treatment, that trend has plateaued somewhat. We are at the point of diminishing returns. There is progress, but it's glacial. How do I tell him or her to answer when someone asks, "What are you?" It's a seemingly innocent question right? But it's filled with so much undertone when asked from majority to minority.

I devoured this book. I highly recommend it. If you're in the place right now where you need purely uplifting adoption stories, then don't read it. Wait until you need to understand some of the pain that goes along with it. Otherwise, go for it. You won't regret it. My only suggestion is to read Unsung Lullabies first, as it will help you understand yourself AND Jana.

Here are some of the chapter titles just to give you a feel for the book:
1. To Produce or Purchase?
Either way, it's gonna cost.
3. The Home Study: Mr. & Mrs. Perfect
Your house will never (and need never) be this clean again.
5. Expecting Without Pregnancy
Buy the crib, but hang on to the receipt.
8. Show Time
Labor and deliverance.
9. If this is the Happiest Day of My Life, Why am I so Sad?
The myth of bliss.
12. The Name Game
Should we name him after my family, your family or her family?
14. Saying Goodbye
Even the right decision can feel wrong.
18. Spit- Up is Spit-Up
Adopted poop doesn't smell any different.
20. Should We Send Cute or Ugly Pictures?
Will she want him back when she sees those dimples?
24. Friendly Racism
Are they staring, or am I paranoid?