Guilt

E's at daycare again. It's much harder the second time. I think I was just all pumped up for the first time. Plus, the lady I dropped him off with wasn't as sweet, loving and reassuring as they were yesterday. I hope he's ok. It's his nap time, and they tend to just lay them down and expect them to sleep. I hope they rock him if he's crying. My poor little lovey.

When I got him back yesterday, he was much more subdued and detached than usual. I'm assuming he was just overloaded. I felt really badly. Then last night he let out a few shrieks in his sleep, but calmed when he saw me. Of course I imagined it was him having nightmares about being left in daycare. Ah the guilt. We pick him up at 3 today. Hurry clock! Going to work is going to suck big hairy balls.

Daycare

After a rough night post shots, my baby was smiling at me this morning, so I decided to take him for his first transition day of daycare. He will be going for 4 hours today and 5 hours tomorrow so we can work him up to a full day instead of just plunging the poor kid (and let's face it, Mom and Dad) into the deep end. I'm so glad because there were so many things to establish today, and I was able to take it slowly and let go when I was ready.

I'm doing surprisingly well, but I think partly because this is one of those Big Things that I am really good at pretending not to worry about. The aftermath of having E was the only Big Thing in my life that hit me so hard that I couldn't pretend at all.

The ladies there were so sweet too. I loved how they talked to the other babies and E. I immediately felt comfortable with them and felt that they knew what they were doing. They thought he was beautiful and called me Mami and him Papi. I just love that. I love how immersed we are in so many Hispanic cultures here. I just love the effusive affection and exuberance that you find with so many Central and South American and Caribbean cultures. They were also shocked that my little chunk wasn't quite 9 weeks old yet. Since coming out of his growth spurt, he's started to really fill out.

And now I'm rambling. And this is one of the signs that this is a Big Thing. I'm going to go pump now before I explode, and then try to focus enough to do the taxes.

Insecurity

Gosh do all the opinions on my parenting make me feel insecure. I don't so much mind well meaning advice, but criticisms and pointed opinions often rattle my very tenuous newly developing confidence as a mother.

And the guilt and worry that comes with parenting? Oy!

2 Months of Love

Happy 2 months E! He now weighs over 11 pounds and measures over 23 inches! ACK! He was completely unhappy because of being woken up at nap time for the appointment to begin with, so the shots were just icing on the cake. I nursed him right after though, and that calmed him a lot. He's been clingy and wanting to nurse constantly ever since. I figure he has a right. That's pretty traumatic for a little dude. His schedule has also been wonky with Sister visiting, so he's a little out of sorts. He's a baby who likes his routine and comfort. (which one doesn't?)

I've decided I'm pretty happy with the pediatrician. The nurse who gave the shots almost got herself clocked though. E was weepy for the aforementioned reasons, and I had just calmed him with the bottle when she startled him with a loud click from the door. He let out a shriek. She said, "What happened?!" I gave her the reason he was grumpy and jumpy. She gave me a stern look, put her hands on her hips and said, "Oh Mama, you've GOT to get him used to noises so he sleeps through them. That's just no good." Perhaps the hate stare I gave her is why she dropped it quickly. First of all, he was not ASLEEP thank you, just eating. And second of all, he sleeps through background noise just fine like most babies. He does not like PUNCTUATED or sharp noises, especially in an unfamiliar situation. And I'm sorry if he's sensitive. I certainly did not try to train him to be that way. Every baby is different and mine is awesome so EFF YOU!

No he did not get his sensitive nature from me. Why do you ask? ;-}

My Twilight Zone Moment

This morning I dropped Sister and nephews off at the airport. (sad face) On the way out, a not so normal looking lady entered the elevator with me and one other gentleman. She had on some whacked out leggings, boots and an interesting gleam in her eye. She said, "Would anyone want to buy a ticket to Jacksonville real cheap? Like $10?" The man and I glanced askance at one another and politely declined. First of all, who sells a ticket for $10? Second of all, you can't transfer a ticket to another person's name. Scam much?

But here's the really interesting bit. Hours later I headed into CVS after my baby's Doctor appointment for some cream for him. As I was approaching the counter, I saw a lady with strange leggings and boots from behind. Oh no. She was asking the cashier if she could use their "courtesy phone." She then had a lot of trouble using it. IT WAS THE EXACT SAME LADY. Keep in mind that we live about 15 minutes from the airport by highway. So so weird. I had to tell the cashier. We commiserated. When I related this to Hub he said, "You watch that baby closely!" Let me tell you, if I see her one more time, I'm going to be really creeped out.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

Giving birth to and caring for you continues to be the hardest thing I've ever done that I love more than anything. You are growing and changing so much every day. You seem to have gained a lot of confidence and independence, and that makes me so glad. On the other hand though, I have to say that with a week to go until I go back to work, I am also so very glad you are the attached, sensitive baby you are. I want it to go easily for you, but I'm so happy I had all that time to hold you, love you and sleep with you before I don't get to be with you every day. Holding your sweet, warm little body while you trail your fingers down my arm or side has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. It's like I'm melting with love.

You are beautiful, wonderful, smart and perfect, and I know you will do well in daycare. But that doesn't stop me from wishing I could see your sweet face every day. The first time you gave me a look that said, "Mom, I'm so happy to see you!" you wrapped me ever more in your charms. Every time you flash that dimple in your left cheek (just like Daddy) you guarantee yourself another future cookie. Keep it up my love. Daddy's the big love of my life. You are the little love of my life, and no one will ever take that spot.

Love,
M

Quick Like

• Hangin' out with Sister, nephews and E. It's hard, but cool. We're like, real grown-ups now. So weird.
• Don't eat a certain frozen pizza brand's pre-sliced 4 cheese and tomato pizza and then nurse your baby. Your milk and he will smell like stinky cheese for days. It's pretty disgusting. It was oozing from his pores.
• I shouldn't have worried about my little nursing monster wanting to give up actual breastfeeding after getting a bottle. He sometimes rejects the bottle Hub is trying to give him and then looks at me with an entreating face and tongue.
  
• In that same note, if you plan to do daycare, make sure you do more than introduce the bottle to the baby so it's not such a shock. Thank goodness we did, or E would have been very upset his first day of daycare!
• Again in the same vein, daycare is about a week away. :( It breaks my heart. I need to work, but about 20-25 hrs a week would be plenty. Too bad the pocketbook doesn't agree.
• Aunt visits soon.
  
• E gets his shots tomorrow. This will also break my heart. Did anyone nurse their baby through them or afterwards? Thoughts on that?