The Self Doubt

I've been having a lot of self doubt, depression and guilt lately. My baby is still not better, and I worry about that intensely. The poor thing has lost so much weight and still has trouble eating because of his congestion. He still vomits at least once/day from all the coughing and has trouble sleeping most times. It's been over a week. It seems that last night his fever started returning. We go to the doctor tomorrow. This is torture for us and mostly for him.

In other areas of life, I'm doubting my ability to be a good friend, wife and mother. I haven't been physically or emotionally able to give as much of myself since the end of my pregnancy. I realize now this depression and anxiety thing is not new and has been going on for months. It's getting better now, but I still backslide a LOT. People who I thought were my good friends have never come to see E, while they've gone to see another friend's baby multiple times, and I wonder if that's my fault.

I feel guilty that E and I have stood on the way of Hub's big career move for the thing he wants to do most. It absolutely breaks my heart even though at the time, I wanted more of his presence. And I hear peoples' criticisms of my mothering and it bothers me so much because I worry about a kernel of truth in it.

I feel so alone in this so often. I've read Dooce for years, and now I know of which she speaks in that vein.