A Leak

We had a break in the system. One of the informed couldn't hold it in any longer, and now we're in a horrible domino reaction where I have to hurriedly dial people before they find out through the grapevine and become offended - including my own Father.

I don't quite understand it, but every time I have to tell someone, my heart pounds. It's so weird. Sometimes I look forward to it, but most times I dread it. And when I feel I have to tell someone before I'm ready, I feel jealous of the knowledge. I don't want to share. It's all mine. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with all of this. It's especially bad when it's out of what I perceive as my control. And for some reason, 2 months still just feels so early! I'm surprised by that. I think that I thought before that I'd be chomping at the bit by 2 months. Not so. So now I'm facing the fact that the whole world is pretty much going to have to know now if I want to be the one to control the information. It almost feels like how I always preferred to find out that yet someone else was pregnant. I always wanted to know early and straight from them by phone or email. (I know, not my gig, but that was just my preference.) If it was someone who swore they were never having children or who caught me by complete surprise, it was always very difficult to take.

In this case if someone were to call me up out of the blue (like happened today) and say, "I know your news! Congrats!" I don't quite know what to do with it. I'm not precisely unhappy, I'm just knocked off center and feel discombobulated. I need time, just like with pregnancy announcements, to ground myself first. When I can't, I'm always imagining I seem so blah, so flat, and people will think I'm ungrateful or unhappy or messed up. The crazy thing is, it feels very much like how I deal with death. But I guess this is the flip side of that right? And just as huge? So I'm thinking I'm going to have to announce to the world so that I don't get any of that. Otherwise, I'm no longer in control of the situation in any way, shape or form. Are you getting my need for control? Oh, ok. I wasn't sure if it was clear.