Scared

Today was the first day of my two week class. I made friendly with a bunch of people and even got comfortable enough to sit with my feet tucked under me while munching some snacks. (always the snacks) Later in the day, one of my newfound friends whispered to me that there was a stain on the seat of my pants very low. She looked embarrassed when she said it, prompting my response, "Is it just dirt?" She seemed hesitant before shaking her head.

You can imagine how this freaked me out. It didn't matter that I had just gone to the bathroom minutes before with no blood. It didn't matter that when I felt the spot, it felt crusty. All that mattered was that I had been cramping a bit today, and some girl thought she might see blood in a very strategic spot. Even though we were in the middle of a lab activity, I excused myself and ran for the bathroom. I found in that moment just how devastated I will be if this ends badly. Despite my efforts to not get attached nor anticipate, I don't know if I can stand the loss of this chance. I know it seems as if I should be able to do it again with my better health and all, but to me, it still feels like a flash in the pan.

Thoughts like these flashed through my head as my heart raced, and I rushed to the bathroom. It was dirt - shoe schmutz from when I sat on my foot. But God was that scary. Ever since that incident today, I have felt unbalanced and emotional. Gah.

On the subject of the class, I hope it gets better because I'm a little underwhelmed. I was suspicious of it a bit anyway because they teach graduates and undergraduates at the same time. To me that usually means that the lectures a more basic for the graduates, but that they get some extra assignment to make up for it. That's how it's going to work. And while lecture today had a few things I needed to polish up on, it was mostly review of what I've been doing for the past 11 years. The syllabus worries me because it looks as if that will continue. I hope it picks up a little. This class was required, or I probably would have skipped it all together for these reasons, but it frustrates me to spend my time and some of my money (work doesn't reimburse all of it), for two weeks of giant review of my profession. Don't get me wrong. I like the professors, and it is good information. I just don't know that it's intensive enough to qualify for the extra money spent as a graduate student.