Darkness Here We Come

I seem to have burrowed into a difficult little hole for the time being. I'm not sure why it happened. It could be that I'm nearing the end of my Provera run and AF is due. It could be that I've turned another year older and another dreaded year closer to "advanced maternal age." It could be that Hub has seemed down, and I can't help but worry that he feels that tick-tock as well. But you know what? I'm tired of trying to figure myself out so I can deal better. I'm tired of dealing period. I don't want to deal, I want to DO. But here I am as always.... waiting. I keep thinking about what we'll do if the Met doesn't jog my ovaries into gear. Do I go to the TCM practitioner as I was thinking? Can we even afford THAT? Of course, questions on affording that make it quite clear that there is very little chance too many more stimulated IUIs (if any) are in our future, and even less chance that IVF is. (Yes, in my desperation I've even begun to consider it despite my horrible drug reactions.)

I just read our annual enrollment for health insurance. I had been thinking about moving up a plan for better IF coverage. But guess what! Come on.. Guess! If you guessed that they have drastically reduced said coverage even on that plan, then you win the prize!!! (The prize is my sarcasm. We don't have moolah. Didn't I just say that?)

I'm so incredibly exhausted lately. I feel myself teetering on the edge of giddy one minute and anger the next. Then, for no reason that I can quite discern, my eyes will start leaking. WTF?? I'm sure part of it is hormonal, but I know part of it is also my desperation. Maybe I'll say screw it, stay on the Met, and give my favorite drug Clomid one more shot. Now, Clomid makes me want to rip out my ovaries, stomp on them and then punch the next person I see in the face, but I will try it one more time if it gives me more answers and one more shot. We can afford Clomid.

If you've started to wonder if this is a stream of consciousness rant, then I'm guessing the answer is yes. I just needed my outlet. I haven't needed the blog for this in quite a while, but I'm glad it's here. It's much better than punching my pillow and mumbling to myself. Bring on the Crazy!

I also meant to note that for a few weeks before the Provera, I had this awful ache in my left side near my ovary. I couldn't tell if it was my ovary for sure, so I waited a while. Funny thing is, it went away completely and suddenly after my third day of Progesterone. A lovely cyst perhaps? What was Miss Lefty thinking? She knows she's not the achiever of the two.


P.S. Very delayed Happy Thanksgiving to Canada!