During a recent conversation with friends, Hub said something that has resonated within me since. We were discussing IF and the choices made because of it. I mentioned how I had tried to find out what was wrong with me long before we started actively trying to conceive, but that the doctor had said, "We'll deal with that when you're ready to get pregnant."
Hub said, "If we had known about the PCOS and difficulties we would have, I would have wanted to start earlier than we did." You'd think that may make me feel sad or introspective, but in some weird way it made me feel good. I think it's because it's firm proof that he is as affected by this as I am, and that he definitely wants to be a father. We started later partly because Hub was desperate to wait until he was 30 before starting. I was ready much before he was. I think he thought it would happen fairly quickly. It's just nice to be in the same boat together now.
Now we're in this weird holding pattern. It would be foolish of us to spend the money on another IUI right now, and I'm not so sure I want to leave the comfortable me I've just rediscovered. Besides, if we do have a baby, this economy and our financial situation are not the best. It just sucks that we get older as it goes on. It's like both of us hope that if we look the other way, maybe my body will miraculously start working and I'll have a successful pregnancy. Then we can say, "It was God's will! We'll make it work somehow!" Hey, it happens to other people right? People who had been told it would never happen? Why can't that be us? We bristle when others tell us about these "miracle stories" in the implication that it will happen for us if we're just patient. So why do we want so badly to believe it ourselves?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
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12 comments:
I think it is natural to want to believe. I think it is also natural to be where you are. I came from a whole family of fertiles that once they get pregnant, they stay pregnant. I was in the miscarriage, being anovulatory, and having to take clomid will never happen to me but it did. I think believing in the stories of people who have success after a long time or suffering give us the hope to keep going on and give us the affirmation that it can happen. Keep on believing and hoping, it is good for the soul.
I'm with you on the miracles stories. Other people don't get that the reason they're named that is because they truly are miracles. And while you'd be delighted to be in that situation, nobody can count on a miracle. So of course its infuriating how that automatically gets linked to the whole just relax, stop worrying, etc little tidbits of assvice.
That doesn't sound like a good doctor. It's good that you aren't sad about not starting earlier. I keep thinking the same thing- what if we had started earlier. But I decided that I can't look back like that because I didn't know then.
I've been down the 'why didn't we start earlier?' road many times myself, and that can lead to some dangerous thoughts. I honestly never expected to have so many problems either... who really sees something like this coming? We just have to push forward and do the best we can. Sure, a miracle would be nice, but it's not something I can let myself rely on.
I can relate to the starting earlier line of thought. M and I have been together 10 years (!) now and have only been trying in the last 3...I sometimes thing an "accident" might have been a good idea looking back. It's hard not to second guess the past, but it doesn't really change anything.
I'm glad you're on the same page now, I know it makes a world of difference in the decision making.
I go back an forth on the miracle subject. Of course it would be awesome for everyone who desires to suddenly become pregnant, but I don't know if it's helpful to keep the hopes up for that, at least forever. I guess I'm a pessimist, but for me it only leads to a let down when it doesn't happen. I vote for thinking/doing what ever helps!
I've really stopped believing in miracles. I think the best I can say is that I believe in chance. And where there's a reasonable chance, I keep trying.
The holding pattern can get to you after awhile. I think it's the hardest thing about being infertile. Money gushes out of your bank account, you get fat and sore from all the shots and tired and there's all this excitement. But in the end, nothing ever really changes.
Blech. That's my depressing thought for the day. Aren't you glad I dropped in?
You are singing to the choir... I was just informed today by a vendor who drops in frequently that he and his wife are expecting and get this - he says "We were waiting for her cycle to start so we could go to the first RE appointment and it never started". If I hadnt have been so choked up and focused on holding back the tears I would have said something really nice but all I could mumble was Congrats. It brought a flood of flashbacks to the time of my first appointment, HSG, Chlomid, repronex shots, etc... It's hard not to be bitter - it has to be the IF drugs because I had *hope* before.
Barb I identify with the frustration of "if we had known..." and also uncerstand your positive feeling that your husband wishes he had known.
That's a tough spot to be in. Do you pick up treatments, or do you keep going on with life the way it is right now where you are content with who you are. I was there the past 4 months myself. Then my job change and the move happened, and I took it as my sign to be content for a while. But the past month and a half I had been contemplating treatments. For me it always came back to the fact that I wasn't really willing to play with the hormones again and the whole waiting game and the disappointment with each failed cycle and wasted money. But at the same time you really want to hope that this time will be different, and you feel like you have to at least try. I hate being in that spot.
The upside is that you ARE ovulating on your own now, even if it is late. Isn't the only thing that matters is if your LP is long enough?
Perhaps you should just come up with a plan. That always helped me. I would say that if things didn't happen on their own by three months down the road I would seek treatments. Or I would only do treatments for three months and then take a break.
Either way, I am sure you will figure out what works best for you guys.
I so hear you on this.
(As with most things you write!)
Thanks everyone! You all have some awesome points. I'll be writing a post about your discussion soon I think. There's so much to delve into!
It DOES feel good when you and your husband are on the same page. My Hubby & I seem to be suffering from "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" syndrome a lot lately
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