We just visited my Grandmother this weekend. It's hard to see her so sad and tired. She's in her eighties but generally has the energy and charisma of someone much younger. Being without Grandfather though.... that seems to sap her strength. What's especially hard is it seems like I can't do much to lift her spirits anymore. I know we're important to her, and that she loves us, but that's not enough to help lift the cloud she's in.
I walked around her house touching photos of Grandfather alone, or of them together. It's so hard for me. I can't begin to imagine how wrenching it is for her. It makes my thoughts go to horrible places. I'm too empathetic by far for my own good. I think of all their happy times, and their young love for each other and how they probably pushed the thought of what's happened now to the backs of their minds and enjoyed their lives as we do, as we all have to do to be happy. And then I think of how she probably longs for that feeling again; the feeling that it's all ahead of you, and your partner is right there to help you through it. It's difficult not to let those thoughts take you to dark, depressing places about your own life or life in general. It's enough to make my heart thud against my ribs and my breath come a little faster. When that happens, I grab the Hub like a lifeline.
I hope she knows that I get it. I may not understand the depth or complexity of her feelings, but I do get it. I want her to know that I love her so much, and that I'm there for her if ever she needs anything. I just don't quite know how to convey the depth of that dedication.
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*I wanted you to know that we did enjoy each other's company. It wasn't all gloom and doom. We attended church with Grandmother. We then had a scrum-dilly-umptious lunch at Carraba's, followed by a nice chat. On the way home, we stopped at a park on the water and saw lots of cool birds. Even on the drive, we saw all kinds of hawks, a caracara, shrikes and meadowlarks. I loved that.
5 comments:
Losing my husband is one of my greatest fears.
You worded this just beautifully. It is a very emotional post.
It must be so tough to lose a spouse at any age. When I was in Alabama after my grandmother died a few weeks ago, I remember looking around their house and realizing just how much of her filled that house. My grandfather was just so sad, but there is no way to make that go away I guess.
This was such a moving post, Barb. My grandparents are both in their late 80s, and are noticeably slowing down. They are so interdependent, and I often worry about what will happen when one of them leaves us. I can't even imagine what it would be like after a lifetime together.
I'm sure your grandmother knows how much you love her. It comes through in your writing, and therefore I can only assume it comes through in person. Have you thought about sending her a handwritten letter?
Ok im in tears now! I am also very empathic. I am glad that you are able to spend time ith your gramma - you know she enjoys it. They say "these are the days to remember" (in numerous soungs)
AS for the seminar - i WANT to go badly- I think husband has to work. Maybe I can get my mom to go with me. I will let you know if I end up being able to go
Thank you so much ladies. Your very kind words mean very much to me. I echo your sentiment Jen.
And Malloryn.. I have considered it. I try to tell her in words too. It just feels so.. inadequate ya know?
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