What Happened

I started spotting a tiny bit a few days ago. I chalked it up to irritation from the Prometrium suppositories and went on my way. After all, my luteal phase has never been under 14 days, so why worry?

Then, yesterday I had a gush of blood at a little more than a week past ovulation. That worried me a bit, but I managed to convince myself it was still just irritation or a clot or something. DearNurse agreed to have my progesterone level drawn though. Then last night.. full on period. It woke me at 1:30am. It's only gotten worse throughout the day. When the clinic called with my progesterone draw results, they were borderline.. meaning it was probably only the supplements that were being picked up and none of my own progesterone. This leads me to believe I didn't ovulate at all, especially since I didn't get the typical post ovulation feelings or patterns. And this pisses me off! I wasted my last insurance covered IUI on something with zero possibility of success!!! That's where the anger comes in. The bad thing is that now it's anger mingled with depression and HOOOO-WEE, that's just asking for some serious ass kicking mania from yours truly. This does not mingle well with the workplace. I was hanging on by my fingernails by the end of the day.

I talked to the clinic about what all could have gone so wrong. I mean, I go from responding really well to the lowest dose of clomid (though I hate it) and femara 7 times, then nothing for two, and no ovulation with a doubled dose of femara, 5 fsh shots and a trigger!! However, they only seem to want to focus on "what treatment next," and not, "great bouncing follicles, how in the heck did this happen?" I would like to focus on number 2. Them - not so much.

I have a "Thank you for your time, but we have no more money" wrap up appointment scheduled to see if I can get some answers, but I don't know if I'll go. I plan to reevaluate, recenter, and investigate all our options thoroughly (including adoption.) More on that later. In the meantime, I knew it would be bad, but this unexpected wrench has twisted up my head and heart into aching knots. Sometimes I feel as if I am one toe from going over the edge, and other times everything solidifies into sharp solid rock deep in my core. I'm not sure which is worse.

Aren't you glad I posted this missive full of sunshine and rainbows? I'm just being a frank realist, I promise. (a depressed, frank, realist, but who's perfect?) My peaceful side will return in bits and pieces soon I'm sure.